April's Real Blog

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Anthony's Freaking Her OUT!

I'm writing this post on Steve's computer cuz I was over here at his house when I got this text message from Liz:
a. is freaking me OUT, apes! sits me under a tree & tells me his marriage isn't gonna work & he wants me to wait for him. grabbed my shoulders & shook me when he said that. & scary speed-freak eyes. gotta run! l.
Just when Liz thought she had one psycho 2 deal w/ (Howard) now she's got Anthony getting freaky with her. Pls watch out for my sis, peeps, I'm scared for her!

Steve's 'rents R pretty cool. His mom teaches in the biopsychology department at the University of Winnipeg, and his dad owns a diner called Eats. Steve has a couple of guitars, so we might jam later. But first, he's gonna show me how to make cheese and yoghurt! (He's got video games too. Yay!)

Apes out


  • At 8:25 AM, Anonymous Liz said…

    Man something is really wrong with Anthony. He used to never be such a wet rag. I think this town does something bad to men. Look at them, there is something wrong with all of them. First there is Gordo, looks like a 40 year old mob boss. Dad, though he looks young he's just a little, weird. Then there is Anthony, overdramatic wuss. Michael, well we've all witnessed Mike in action and know what's wrong with him. Even Gerald has shown signs of grampaishness.

    Anyway, I've talked to mom all about what happened with Howard. Days later and she's still freaked, like I just told her. I'll clue you in on her response tomorrow. And if you think Mom said an earful, just wait until I tell you Shiimsa's whole take on this situation!

  • At 9:15 AM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…

    Oh dear, sweet Elizabeth, if only you knew what I’ve been through. How I tried to make things work with Thérèse. I’d come home from a long morning with Gordo’s second set of books (the ones he doesn’t show to the CRA), wanting nothing more than a drink, a hot, home-cooked meal with choice of side dishes, a foot massage, a half-decently presented dessert, and then Something French Girls are Supposedly Famous For before checking the quality of the ironing on my nighty-night socks. But no, it was always “I had to work late” or “I cooked the past three nights” or “Whose athletic socks are these? Do the initials E.P. in laundry ink mean anything to you? Je n'y crois pas! They’re sticky, you branleur!”

    Little did I know when I had the old engraving on her wedding ring removed that I was polishing a portal to hell!

    Thérèse and her career! She’s always trying to get ahead, going for that promotion, taking assignments that’ll get her noticed even if they mean some travel. I talked to your dad about it once and he said all that striving was the sign of a deeply unhappy person. I broke down and cried, to be honest, he looked so experienced and wise in his little blue hat with the pinstripes as he backed up the engine on his trainset, making chuff-chuff noises. Sort of like an HO-scale Solomon.

    Sure, Thérèse makes excuses. “If I get that promotion it’ll be so good for us.” “They’re opening a new office in Montreal, we’ll be able to buy a bigger house and get into a better school system” or “we’ve only got to get through this assignment with all the travel, then we’re set.” Notice the language? We, us…what kind of marriage is that? She never mentions me!

    I’d talk to your mother about it sometimes. Stop by Lilliput’s but somehow she was never there, but I’d find her in a coffee shop or a park or her kitchen and SHE understood, more than my mom or that nightmare of a mother-in-law. I’d cry in her lap and she’d stroke my hair and tell me that Thérèse didn’t deserve me; I should make some lucky girl happy and have “lots and lots of grandkids, err, kids.”

    “Kids?” I asked. She wiped my tears just like she did when she fixed my bo-boos and gave me a kiss as a child.

    “Yes, all a woman needs is a pregnancy and it puts things into perspective. You get your priorities right when you’ve got a baby. It’s not so much motherhood as mother-shroud. You’re old life dies, dies DIES and you don’t miss it a bit. Not one oogie bit. Not one eenie meenie meinie bit. It’s such a miracle.”

    So I took the old x-acto to her diaphragm that very night, right after I put some jelled corn-syrup in the spermicide tube.

    And yes, I tried therapy. I went to a local woman because she had an office near Lilliputs. I told her the whole sorry story, from Thérèse taking down my Elizabeth wall when we got engaged to the little honey-blonde figurine on the wedding cake. I got a bunch of crap about living in the past and she suggested some pills to help with the Silent Black Screaming and I told her the only pills I wanted was Essence of Elly Patterson for my wife. She started choking and dropped her pen, but that’s what happens when common-sense solutions get presented to these charlatans.

    Oh Elizabeth, how I wish you’d understand what I’ve been through!

  • At 10:21 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ::apes gasping::

  • At 10:39 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    this guy is wack.

  • At 11:57 AM, Anonymous Liz said…

    Holy cow! Guys doesn't Therese sound a lot like Mike. You know, Therese has every right to hate me Anthony and you gave it to her. You really ought to be ashamed of yourself. Go see a Therapist in Toronto, not one my mother pays off.

    God Apes and Becks what do you think I should do? Go back to Mtig right now? Call the cops? Call Therese and have a little talk with her? Punch out Mom? Life is so complicated. This is so upsetting. I'm going to talk to Shiimsa right now and then I'm going to see if I can track down Warren or something....Or maybe I can hide behind Dennis.

  • At 12:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i vote 4 calling the cops, going back 2 mtig, & spending some time w/dennis. u r right abt t. sounding lots like mike.

  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Liz, u should tell Anthony 2 cram it an' quit bein' such a drama queen.

    An' call the police ASAP, like April said.

    My mom said ur mom might like someplace like Marin County, CA. Very wealthy, immaculate area where any sort of violence (even 2 defend urself) is frowned upon an' everyone has "correct ideas" like ur mom does. Maybe send her on her way w/a one way ticket? She'd b happy, and you an April would b less stressed!

  • At 2:20 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    Hi all,

    Convoluted concerns and confused comments come creeping.

    Okayh, so Liz mentioned me twice today. I'm honoured, sis - but maybe you'd let me in on "what's wrong with" me? Just becuase I'm devoted to my writting and my job? Just becuase I trust my wife enough to know that she can handle a full-time job and the house and the kids while I dedicate my life to my career? Mom always told us to make something of ourselves. That it IS possible to hav ea family and a career and, cheese and rice, that's what I'm doing!

    I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout and cuss. It's just so hard sometimes. Working as much as I do then coming home to find that the dishwasher hasn't been loaded or, worse yet, Dee bought is letting the kids pound on the good pots agian. That doesn't give me nearly enugoh time to write or hang out with weed. Or run more tape lines through the lobby. Or bad mouth Dee's mom. See, I'm missing out on so much important stuff becuase I have to take care of Merrie and the boy, or becuase I have to peel the foil back on the TV dinners before I put them in the oven.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:52 PM, Anonymous Chip said…

    Hey April Patterson! I've looked over your site and strip and everything. You seem like a real cool girl. Why don't you ditch your boyfriends and hang out with me. I think we'd get along really well together!

  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's so nice of u, chip, but u r very far away from us canadians!

    mike, i think liz is talking about the double standard. ppl don't say u r evil 4 being in2 yr career & avoiding yr family, but cuz thérèse is female, she's supposta b evil 4 being the same way u r.

  • At 6:48 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Hey Apes,

    Salutations for sussing solutions and quantifying questions.

    I'm sorry, but I jsut don't see a double standard. If women were meant to work, God wouldn't have given them uteruses. Any woman who believes otherwise IS evil.

    Unless you're a Patterson, of course. Remember? How many times has Mom told us that Patterson women can do anything? Isn't that right, Dee? Do you need me to stop by the drug and pick up some aspirin for your headache, honey?

    Mike Patterson

  • At 9:28 PM, Anonymous Deanna Patterson said…

    Michael love, that's sweet of you truly, but I'm a pharmacist and have access to all the drugs I need. Sadly, this is a migrane I'm dealing with. In laymen's terms, it's a headache with an attitude, and I don't anticipate it going away any time soon.

    So one thing you could do is get the kids ready for bed, read to them and tuck them in. I'll do some quick research online this evening for "deprogramming" treatments before I go to sleep.

    And Liz, I know as a Patterson you'll make the right decisions. Please be wary of Antonia--er, Anthony.

    Love always,


  • At 10:23 PM, Anonymous Liz said…

    I love you Dee.

  • At 2:32 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Love and long luschious looks from your lifelover.

    My love - whatevre you say. Truly. Your wish is my command. Kids will be tucked in as soon as I finish this paraghraph. Then I'll make a call to Dr. Linsdaysidneygreenbush to determine the extent of your migrane.

    Please know that I do this for us, love.

    How I long to suckle at your chocolate milk founts...

    Michael Patterson


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