April's Real Blog

Monday, August 22, 2005

Farm Life

Sometimes when I look at my cousin Laura really fast, I think she's Liz. Laura's got some curl to her hair, but it's not that noticeable when she pulls it in2 a ponytail. NEway, she told me I've turned out 2 B a real "farm girl", which cd sound like an insult depending on how U say it, but the way she said it was meant 2 B nice. I am having fun here this summer, but the horses & other animals R just a small part of it. A BIG part of it is hanging out over @ Steve's farm. Besides learning 2 make cheese & yoghurt, I've had a chance 2 play some cube vid games & watch season 5 of The Trailer Park Boys. My mom never lets me watch that show cuz she said those characters set a bad example. Like I'm gonna imitate them just cuz they're on my TV screen. I just saw the one where Ricky eats all his dad's ravioli & blames it on Julian, so Ricky's dad beats on him & poor Julian doesn't know what's going on till Ricky admits his lie. I love that show!

BTW, I'm sorry this post is late, but I wanted to make a nice avatar for Becky, who's feeling bad about her family sitch, and I couldn't get the hair right. They just don't have her 'do, so I made two images. One kind of looks like her hair when she blowdries it straight, and the other is a style she was kinda thinking about getting, but wasn't 2 sure. Also, these pics don't exactly look like Becks, but I tried 2 make it as close as I could. Keep in mind that Becks is way prettier than these:

That's all 4 now!



  • At 9:05 AM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…

    Only have a mo to send a love-out to my hummie Elizabeth (still working on my net lingo w/ U Kedz). Been away from your blog for a while, indeed, been away from everything as I’ve been laid up in the hospital.

    So here’s the story:

    I guess it wasn’t such a good idea to park in the high school kids makeout lot and wander off and sit beneath a tree that day Howard “went after” you to talk over my problems. Turns out something like a thousand people saw us and most of them knew Thérèse. I never knew she was so popular, but I guess a lot of the Milborough moms secretly support her careering. So after dropping you off (sorry about the feel-up in the car, now that I’ve had time to think about it I realize is was kinda thoughtless, but I was really in the mood after noogieing the living crap outta Howard and seeing you with your hair down) I headed home.

    Then headed back to my mom’s because I forgot the kid. Damn, always doing that.

    So I headed home again and who was waiting for me but Thérèse and the Vampire-in-Law. They were sitting in the kitchen. The table was covered with crumpled Kleenex, empty wine bottles, and cigarette buts. “What did you do today, mon mari?” Four beady French eyes stared at me while I tried to explain that I spent the day at the library.

    “Where is your wedding ring, then?”

    Oh crap.

    “You lost it up the cul of your sale pute.
    When you took her beneath the tree in the park, vraiment?”

    I tried to come up with something, then her mother said: “Si j'avais ta tête a la place du cul j'aurais honte de chier.”

    I noticed one second too late that they both had frying pans handy. Pretty soon they were both pounding on me with them, which caused some contusions but it’s not the reason I’m in the hospital. I tried to flee down to the basement, only I tripped and went ass-over down the stairs and broke my hip.

    I won’t even describe what they did to me while I was lying there, since you kids read this. They finally stopped when Thérèse grabbed an eight-pound summer squash out of the kitchen and insisted that I experience the “miracle of childbirth.”

    They called for an ambulance, eventually, the paramedics cleaned me up and here I am.

    So far my only visitor has been your mother, Liz. I told her the whole story and she shook her head. “Two women pounding on a guy with frying pans. If it had just happened to someone else, it would have been funny. Hilarious even. But not to poor sweet Anthony.” She went out to speak to the nurse about getting a sperm count/motility test (For John? I didn’t think she could have any more kids, April?!?) and returned with a delicious tray of strawberry jello. She fed it to me and we played “airplane coming in for a landing” (my favorite!).

    “How’s Elizabeth been?” I asked in between mouthfuls.

    She loaded up another spoon. “She’s keeping to her herself. Stays in her bedroom playing with her pussy.”

    It took your mom a while to get the jello out of her hair and clothes because she couldn’t go to that anniversary party looking like she’d been in a food fight.

    Anyway, I’m hoping you’ll visit me soon, Liz. I don’t think you’ll run into Thérèse, she only dropped by once, long enough to stub out a cigarette on my big toe.

    Oh, and could you ask Lawrence if anyone’s found a wedding ring at Lakeshore?

  • At 9:15 AM, Anonymous thérèse said…

    my only mistake, cochon, was that i did not kill you. i spit on you! salopard!

  • At 9:37 AM, Anonymous Liz said…

    Whoa! Ok. Firstly I always suspected that Anthony was involved in an abusive relationship and secondly, Anthony you need to find someone else to place your hopes on. It ain't gonna be me!

    April! Uncle Danny e-mailed us some pictures of you. I am glad you're having fun with the farm, but you need to lay off the biscuts and gravy. I know it's good, but really. Go for the salad and soup as long as it's not cream based. Becky back me up on this.

  • At 9:44 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, man, u know i cd tell my shorts were a bit tite this morning. aunt bev's cooking is sooooo good! but cuzzie laura sez i'm not quite as bad as i look in the pics. unk danny took 'em from a totally unflattering angle.

    steve & i r gonna do some bikeriding & sk8boarding. that shd help a bit.

  • At 11:34 AM, Anonymous marjee mahaha said…

    I've got an Elly story for u all! I just got hired at the hair salon by the Biergarten, which is next door to Lilliput's, Mrs. P's bookstore. Becky was helping me decorate my booth, & I have to say, she's got an amazing talent 4 decorating. Anyway, when we were done, we decided to go to the Starbucks across the street and have some of those triple-shot lattes that Becky and Apes like so much. Of course, guess who was in line right in front of us, ordering a SKIM MILK (her emphasis) latte and two butter-loaded blueberry-apple muffins? Yup, Elly P. So while she's waiting 4 her order, she goes, "Oh, Becky. So your mother let you out of the house all alone today?" Becks says, "No, Mrs. P. I'm here with my sis, Marjee." Points right at me. "Don't be ridiculous, Becky. You're a spoiled only child." "How many times do I have to tell you. . . ." "Make sure you get your coffee with skim milk, young lady. It's never too early to start watching your figure, you know." "Don't worry about it, Mrs. P., I've got it under control", Becky says. "Sure, sure you do. Now, be sure to say hello to your mother for me." "Yeah, okay, Mrs. P", she says, and while Elly is picking up her order we just look at each other & roll our eyes so hard they almost get stuck in our heads.

  • At 12:19 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I know young ladies today get such pressure to be thin, but you are still growing. All you really need at this stage in your life is regular exercise and healthy foods. I know for myself, if I am feeling bad about my appearance, there is nothing that a good girdle and some makeup wouldn’t fix. That way I’ve done no damage to my body, and I look fabulous. Please don’t do anything unhealthy or unnatural to your body. I know when Lawrence was young; his mother used a skin bleaching cream on him. It took him a long time to recover his natural pigment. So remember, you are beautiful, just the way you are.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, howard. i won't do NEthing crazy, just get a bit more exercise and cut down on the fatty foods. becks & i were doing a diet thing last year for a while, but we were getting 2 tired & we stopped.

  • At 1:04 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    apes! i luv the icons! the 1 on the left has the prettiest hair but as u all know my hair is really more out of control then that so i think i will pick the 1 on the right. thank you! now, can u tell me how 2 make it my icon on LJ?

    yeah liz is right you gotta do something about that butt. ok so maybe the pic is just a little unflattering but even if u haven't gained weight in ur ass, why are those shorts so tite? an' why are u dressed all in brown? major fashion no-no, apes. being on the farm is no reason not 2 look ur best remember paris an' nicole still wore high fashion on the simple life. u wanna catch steve remember!

    an' i'm not sure i believe anthony's story--not totally. a broken hip takes a long time 2 heal i know cuz my grandma had one an' it took her six weeks. i think he is just looking 4 us to stop hating on him an' so he made up a "poor me" story.

    thanx marjee glad u like how ur booth turned out. mrs. p is a total foob, huh? i think her ass is twice the size it was at grad. too many muffins!

    howard, don't worry, we r just tryign 2 maintain a healthy weight not go anorexic or use cancer-causing cremes on our skin. sorry 2 hear u only got a chorus part 4 the next opera. hope the cops don't go 2 hard on u an' hey--mayb u can be cellmates with my dad if u have 2 go do some jail time! have u ever been in be4? my dad sez it isn't so bad he sez the cooking is better then my mom's, which is funny cuz i don't remember her ever cooking. mayb he's thinking of that casserole mrs. p left on our doorstep when she found out i wuz an only child. (the card sed something like, "sorry u r infertile." weird.) mom might've passed it off as her own though i guess. bad 4 her. it was 1 of mrs. p's best dinners so i kept it down ok but dad's not used 2 her food an' he wuz upchucking all nite long.

    neway, i hope u really r having fun on the farm an' make sure u kiss steve be4 u come home! i want u 2 tell me if he kisses better then gerald.

    long post! ok by now!

    lylas, becks

  • At 1:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i m so glad u like the pics! here's what 2 do for lj:

    1. save the pic 2 yr hard drive (rite-click yr mouse & save)

    2. in lj, go to yr "user info" page

    3. roll your mouse cursor over "manage" on that menu @ the top of yr page

    4. choose "user pics" from the second row of options

    5. go 2 "upload a new picture" @ the bottom of the page

    6. fill in the "keywords" line with something like "beckypic"

    7. click the "browse" button & find the pic on yr hard drive

    8. select it & click "open" (or whatever yr browser has for sending it thru)

    9. Click "proceed"

    10. next time u post in lj, yr pic shd post!

    i know, i know, that outfit was really bad. my grandma carrie left it & aunt bev insisted on getting pix of me in it. bleah.

  • At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    Gratuitous greetings and superfluous sputum cyberspace civilians!

    Okay, first thing's first: I've been feelign some incredible urges lately - most due to my wife's ongoing migrane, but some do to the filth and lies that I've been reading on this once-beautiful, now beastly blog.

    I don't know who came up with the notion taht I would delibretly try to put Liz and anthony back together, but it's jsut flat out wrong. I mean, cheese and rice, it's appalling that someone would even think to accuse me of "hiring" somebody to attack my sister - let alone touch her delicate, yet firm and pert breast - only to have anthony come to her "rescue" in the "nick of time".

    Really. I'm far to busy to concieve of and carry out such a horrible manipulative plan. Just ask Dee. [How's your migrane, honey? Can I pick up some aspirin for you, or should I jsut get more baby oil instead?]

    Anyway, there are more important things at stake here.

    Elizabeth is growing older on a daily basis. We're all aware of how it works in Milborough. One day, you're a kid, happy and carefree; the next, you're 23 going on 72, successful in your career, with a kid or two and a loveless marriage where the spark of desire is so squelched taht it couldn't ignite a gasoline-soaked pile of rags in a tinderbox shed. So you're desined to live out the rest of your life in utter pathos, regretful and miserable. It occurs so much around here, you'd think it was...well, scripted.

    It needs to stop.

    Everybody can see how happy Liz and Anthony are together so...if "fate" in the form of a GLBTG Light Opera actor named Howard should happen to bring them together, who are we to stand in its way? And if somebody's mother were to offer an "insentive" - say, in the form of a two-story house with a large backyard and a creek in a small town near Toronto - to someone to "arrange" a meeting with "fate" then who are we to complain?

    So, before everyone goes around pointig fingers and accussing people of "bad" things, I'd advise all of you to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror and remember who the real enemy is: everyone else but a Patterson.

    Mike Patterson

    P.S. For the record, I'm gettign better at chess. It took Duncan ten moves to checkmate me last time. And Dee, we all know that Chutes and Ladders requires a bit more skill. At least I haven't been eating the pieces.

  • At 1:55 PM, Anonymous Liz said…

    Ok. I am going to sound like my 14 year old sister here. But, OMG Mike! Just BITE me ok? Just BITE ME!!! You dipwad! AHHGGGGG! Just stay out of my life will you? Or I'd come over there and and and stick those precious chess pieces of yours where the sun don't shine but "Weeds" do grow!

    Becky after work lets zip over for some triple shot mocha lattes. Please? I miss Apes and well at least you know what's going on and don't want me marrying that psychopath Anthony.

  • At 1:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, mike, when mom offered u the house in exchange 4 getting liz & anthony together, was she wearing a skirt and blazer or one of her new pantsuits?

    liz, have an extra shot o' 'spresso 4 me, k?

  • At 2:15 PM, Anonymous brian dribbledraph said…

    april, i herd another rumor that ur ma looked younger when she wz at the bumsteads yesterday. mayb there is suh'in in the water in m-town or sum type of fog. women dont seem 2 age fast here. mayb she wz actually born a man? that culd xpain y she suh'times looks like ur pa.

  • At 2:27 PM, Anonymous brian dribbledraph said…

    btw, im going to be in ur class when skool starts up soon. i just moved to milborough from detroit. im not looking 4ward 2 looking like a 100-yr-old corpse when im 20 but i'll worry about that later.

  • At 2:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm not sure abt my ma looking younger @ the bumsteads. i heard it cd have been the lighting. becks was there, tho. becks, did my mom look NE younger 2 u @ that party?

  • At 2:57 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    liz--i m totally up 4 lattes. pick me up on ur motorcycle! RAD! btw, for the record, i'm sorry that mike an' u r mom turned out 2 b the bad guys after all. we will talk @ starbucks tho.

    no i didn't think mrs. p looked younger at the party but i did see some of the pictures they took there an' she looked younger in those. but they hired a professional 2 take pics so that's prolly why. the bumsteads must be real rich cuz they spent a lot on this party. they paid me $500 2 sing! i opened a savings account with it right off cuz if i brought it 2 the house mom an' uncle bill would steal it.

    u know apes i've been thinking about how the whole band breakup thing went down an' i m really sorry. i should have done it in a nicer way. ger an' dunc have been mean 2 me but ur my bud an' u deserved better. i just feel like we r going in different musical directions, u know? i m trying 2 prepare 4 a real singing career cuz that's my only ticket 2 success. u an' the guys will prolly go 2 college an' maybe not be music professionals. an' i know u guys don't wanna perform the kinda stuff i do at these parties--songs by old people with names like "billie holliday" an' "frank sinatra." neway, i think it's like obi-wan kenobi sez 2 luke in star wars--my (musical) destiny lies on a different path from yours. doesn't mean we can't still be best buds in h.s.

    ok, peace out! becks

  • At 3:03 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    omg apes ty ty ty 4 the icon! i luv it! i have it working on lj now. i'm so glad ur good at this technical stuff cuz i'm totally not.

    thanx a million! lylas, becks

  • At 3:49 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, becks, i'm glad u like the icon & that u got the lj thing 2 work. i think it's really smart of u 2 open up a savings acct w/ yr $ from the party. it's so cube that the b's paid u so well. u totally deserve it for putting up w/the ode-foax tunes.

    yeh, i understand abt going off in a diff direction musically. i was hurt when this all happened but now i can think it'll work out 4 the best. steve has been helping me get back 2 what i love about music, how u can just get all in2 it. i'm experimenting w/some diff styles now & even writing some new songs. ger & dunc were starting 2 make me think that they were the only 1's who cd write stuff, but u inspired me!

    lylas, apes

  • At 5:14 PM, Anonymous Jeremy Duncan said…

    So Becky. I was at the Bumsteds and heard you sing. You are like, totally awesome! You know I play the guitar and aspire to be a rock star someday so maybe you, April and I can kick it together someday. No band stuff like 4-evah to cause headaches. Just a good jam session you know. Of course my girlfriend Sara will want to sit in cause I think she'd worry about me being alone with two totally hot babes like you and Apes, but there are no worries on that Sara is totally hot herself. Anyway, that song you wrote for Blondie and Dagwood was totally the bomb! Way to go girl!

  • At 5:16 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    apes u got way more talent then either ger or dunc or both of them put together. stand ur ground u deserve 2 b the leader of 4 evah.

    lylas, becks

  • At 5:18 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    thanx jeremy. getting 2gether sounds kewl. tell ur gf sara not 2 worry cuz apes is practically engaged to ger an' i m taking a break from boys 4 awhile.


  • At 6:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, becks u didn't mention that u also wrote a special song 4 the bumsteads. u r 2 modest, girl! jamming with jeremy d. sounds like fun! it'll b cube jamming instead of just playing 4evah songs. i like our songs & everything, but i like 2 do other music 2!

  • At 7:12 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It brings my heart joy to see you and April so into making music and meeting boys. I can remember the carefree days of my youth, when I was into the exact same things.

    I know you may scoff Becky, but I can totally believe that Anthony guy’s story that he was beaten up by 2 French women. One of the reasons I was sure he was Elizabeth’s grandfather was that he was so frail. The whole time we were tussling, I was afraid he would snap in half. I still have bruises on my face from where Elizabeth hit me, but not a mark on my ear from Anthony.

    A lot about what Elizabeth’s brother Mike wrote confused me. Janacek wrote an opera called “The Fate” but I have never performed it. I couldn’t think of any opera where I played the role of “Fate.” Anyway, it sounds from his letter that he is sure that he is not Lawrence and Nick’s “friend.” So, not to discount yours and April’s detective skills, but maybe it was someone else.

    Since you asked, I did a little jail and juvenile correction facility time (a training school for boys) in my youth that I don’t like to talk about. I expect I will get to see what a Milborough jail looks like, once Elizabeth files charges. If I see your dad, I will say hello for you and give you a report on the latest prison recipes.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:17 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    hey apes--im not trying 2 b modest about the songwriting i just feel kinda weird about it cuz the song i wrote 4 their party is "old foax" style an' i'm afraid u'd laugh. mr. & mrs. b liked it tho i think that's y they paid me so much.

    howard u seem like a really nice guy but maybe u r just a little 2 trusting. that's what's getting u into these problems. i hope liz an' the cops don't come down 2 hard on u cuz i don't think ur really a bad guy. u just need 2 think next time about weather it's a good idea 2 get into a secret plot 2 harass some girl.

    ttfn, becks

  • At 9:45 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You are so, so wise for someone of so, so few years. That’s good advice, but I have always found it difficult to turn people down. They look so disappointed when I do. I have never been able to resist when someone gets that “hurt puppy-dog look” on their face. As they say in the musical Oklahoma, “I’m just a girl who cain’t say no.” But, I will try to do better. Like my therapist says, “Squeeze everything you can out of life.”

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, don't worry abt me laffing about the ode-foax music. even tho i make jokes about it, i know some of those old-style songs r actually pretty cube. my gramps makes me listen 2 the old stuff sometimes & not all of it sux. i'm sure that if a Qb guy like jeremy duncan liked yr song, then u rocked that ode-foax style!


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