April's Real Blog: NOT Kissing My E-Mail!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

NOT Kissing My E-Mail!

4 the record, peeps I have NOT been kissing Aunt Bev & Unk Danny's computer screen when I read Gerald's e-mails. I haven't done NEthing that lame since grade 6 when Gerald first kissed me. But I admit I have missed him. At least I do while I'm reading the e-mail I've gotten from him every day that I've been here. Tho seeing Steve around has helped me take my mind off all that the rest of the time. And since I thought it was OK with Ger b/c of his comment 2 my last post, I let Steve kiss me 2day. Whoo, boy knows how 2 kiss. Sorry, Ger, I didn't see your follow-up comment until after.

So, b4 I fill U in about the Patterson grandparents, I just wanted 2 mention something else about the whole "Patterson is a 2nd-rate Richards" theory. If you wanted to find out something about Will and Carrie Patterson, parents of John Patterson, wouldn't you expect 2 B able to look them up at a website called "Meet the Pattersons"? Instead of having them show up in some general "Who's Who" site that features non-Pattersons like Candace and Weed? And Kortney? And wouldn't you be surprised 2 find that the "Patterson" page has Jim and Iris Richards? But U wouldn't be so surprised by all that if you just kept in your head that a Patterson is nothing but a 2nd-rate Richards. Then it all makes perfect sense!

NE way, I got 2 spend a bunch of time w/the Patterson grandparents, and, yeah, it was kinda weird. First there's Grandpa Will's rock collecting. Now I can sort of understand Dad's choo-choo crazees a bit better. U C, G'pa Will doesn't just collect rocks. He takes them home, names them, paints faces on them, and then gets G'ma Carrie 2 make little "rock" outfits. Or, if an unsuspect g'daughter happens 2 B in town? Yeah, U guessed it. Outfit duty. Oh, & he kept asking me if I love him better than I love Grampa Jim. The heck?

Then there's G'ma Carrie. Apparently, about 20 years ago, Grandma Marian, who died six years ago, dissed her at some bakery. Carrie was buying a special cake for a celebration, and Marian got all up her butt about how Pattersons have no taste in anything, least of all cakes, and she should leave the bakery selections to a sensible Richards (= Grandma Marian). Then, they got in2 some ugly argument like "your son's not good enough for my daughter", and "wait, no, your daughter's not good enough for my son" & so on. God, I just wanted to disappear when she was going on & on about all this. Memo: this was 20 yrs ago. Marian's dead.

By the way, Liz & I were talking on the phone last night, and she told me that she & Shiimsa were looking through some old photo albums. There were some pics of Liz when she first got her ears pierced. Liz had forgotten all about it, but now she remembers that she'd been so excited about the piercings, but Mom and Dad both managed to make her feel bad in their own way. Good times, right Liz?

NEway, I'll B home pretty soon!

Apes out

42 Comments:

At 10:52 AM, Anonymous said…

wow where 2 start? first i m so glad u were not kissing the computer screen cuz that is so lame. second i m so glad u kissed steve!!! that's awesome. did u guys use tongues like u did with ger?

third i can't believe how many of ur family members make u sew outfits 4 their hobby. ur dad an' liz an' now grandpa will. pattersons are weird. but there is an upside i bet u will be talented enuff now 2 sew awesome clothes an' u could sew some of the outfits ur mom won't let u buy becuz they are "too slutty." (whatever)

that thing about ur grandmas fighting...i kinda remember ur mom talking about that one time when i wuz over ur house eating barf casserole. i remember ur mom saying something like, "a richards would never buy a cake storebought cakes r a sign of sluttish housewifery patterson women r good 4 nothing when it comes 2 womanly arts!" i remember it word 4 word cuz it wuz so weird. what's buying cakes got 2 do with being a slut? weird.

(ok i looked it up an' slut can also mean slovenly an' i looked that up too an' slovenly means untidy or slipshod which means careless so i guess it means that ur grandma p is a careless housekeeper. how come ur mom didn't just say that? she's so weird. anyway i guess u learn something new every day.)

looked at the old pics in liz's album an' read where she wrote about what ur parents sed an i have 1 question--were they ever nice 2 u guys???
At 10:54 AM, Anonymous said…

April, though my heart is broken, I shall try to find some way to forgive you. You are, after all, the love of my life. Your lips are as perfect as pink rose petals. I am dismayed, but not surprised, that Steve was compelled to kiss them.

Sadly yours, The C...I mean Gerald
At 11:08 AM, April Patterson said…

wow, becks, i'd forgotten all abt that stuff my ma sed that time about making yr own cakes. it's weird, since she has nuthin' against buying muffins @ the coffee shop 'steada making those from scratch, u know?

yeh, it's weird abt the little outfits & my fam. but it's true i've gotten lotsa practice. mayb sometime we can go 2 the mall & buy some patterns from that sewing shop & make our own "roadside" outfits, lol.

i'll tell u all abt the kiss when i c u. i feel a bit funny abt saying ne thing else abt it here cuz i know ger is reading this.

my 'rents think they have this awesum sense of humour, & they've alway made these mean little comments that they say r "jokes". if we cry or complain, they're all, "well u need a sense of humour 2 survive in this house". it's f-ed up, i know. i'm sure liz will have more 2 say abt this when she comments l8r.
At 11:11 AM, April Patterson said…

waittaminit, ger, r u accidentally admitting that u did write all those posts as "the c"? wtf?
At 12:13 PM, Anonymous said…

I admit nothing, my little flower. But, as you know, I am so suave that everyone refers to me as "The Continental." Perhaps some nefarious person attempted to tarnish my good name by using my well-known moniker as an alias.

When you come home my darling, I would very much like to take you for a horse-drawn carriage ride around Milborough Park. Afterwards, perhaps we can go back to my house. I have some lovely etchings I would very much like for you to see.

Yours forever, Gerald
At 12:23 PM, Anonymous said…

god ger u turn into a bigger cornball every day. wtf r "etchings"?

just when i think i couldn't hate u more, u go an' write something like that an' it turns my stomach an' reminds me just how gross u really r.

apes, pleeze dump him already. u can do so much better. break the cycle! mike is with dee an' liz will prolly marry ancient anthony, but u can find a guy 2 marry who u didn't date as a kid. really! my mom an' dad met in college. that's not such a great example but u know what i mean.

becks
At 1:02 PM, April Patterson said…

ew, ger, i don't know what "etchings" r, but i remember something abt mike using them in some really lame joke where a girl is tricked in2 going roadside w/a guy. i think i want a bf who doesn't try 2 trick me!
At 1:16 PM, Anonymous said…

that pic of me in "who's who" is SUCH an exaggeration! my nose is not that big and i don't have dirt on my neck. not like that, anyway.
At 1:30 PM, howard said…

Becky and April,

Thanks for the advice about Duncan’s lawyer. He says he is busy with a divorce case right now and besides he cannot really do anything about an arrest that might happen from charges that might be filed. Lawrence tells me I do not need to worry about such things, and that he will make sure that I am properly taken care of. That’s a relief.

I do have some good news. My car showed up today with a little note on it that said, “Sorry for borrowing the car so long. I still think you’re cute.” It had a few dents in it, and some strange stains in the back seat, but it still runs fine.

More good news. Lawrence came by and told me that I would not need to fake-fight this Gerald guy. His “friend” had gotten a report from his “kissing cousin who collected computer confirmation” or maybe it was “colluding cousin who confirmed computer kissing.” I forget. These alliterations make my head hurt. The long and short of it is that his “friend” considers everything to be going according to whatever the “friend’s” plan is, so I don’t need to do anything with this Gerald guy. Plus, Lawrence says there is a good possibility I might be invited to a wedding in 4-5 years. That’s good. I like weddings.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:39 PM, April Patterson said…

omigod, laura, i did NOT kiss the computer! but if that's the kind of lie u want 2 spread 2 my bro & it helps keep ger from getting some1 to "go after" me then all the better. i'm sorry, howard, but they were obviously talking abt me marrying ger rite aft hs & i am not doing that! i don't know who i'm gonna marry if i marry ne1 @ all that is. & it's not gonna b until i've been out in the world a while.
At 2:33 PM, howard said…

April,

I know all about having a family that tries to force you to be someone that you aren’t. With my family, it started when I refused to sing Bobby Curtola songs instead of opera arias. I really only found musical acceptance with my aunt and uncle, who love all kinds of musical theater music. In fact, when they go to bed at night, they put on a CD of Broadway show tunes to help them sleep.

My advice is to not get married unless you want to. But if you do get married, I would love to receive an invitation. I will disguise myself so that your sister will not recognize me. I have a Spanish senorita outfit from when I played Carmen, where I am pretty much unrecognizable. Plus I look really hot in it.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:43 PM, Anonymous said…

bobby curtola eww. that's mrs. p's fave singer.

glad u got ur car back howard. i talked 2 my dad late last nite he gets 1 5 minute phone call per week an' he usually uses it on me cuz his gf is pissed at him rite now. i told him 2 return ur car if he wuz the guy who took it. i guess he wuz. prolly he got uncle ralph 2 drive it back 2 ur place. sorry 'bout the dents an' stuff dad is a real bad driver. who knows what the stains r an' i really don't think i wanna know.

i m glad lawrence is gonna make sure everything is ok 4 u he should since it wuz him an' mike who put u up 2 this. i hope they don't try it with ape an' ger cuz ape is not as woosy as liz an' she'd prolly kick u in the balls.

apes! u need 2 dump ger he is acting like a total pig!

ttfn, becks
At 2:51 PM, Anonymous said…

My beloved April,

I would never, ever try to trick my tender little morsel into any activity that might compromise her virtue. Of course, if you want to voluntarily surrender your virtue to me, I will treasure it like the precious jewel it is.

And I would never try anything so crass as a fake "going after" in order to win your love. I am like a white knight on a silver steed every day of the week, for I am noble and true of heart, and I shall woo thee in a pure and forthright manner.

When you come home, I would like to invite you over to my home. I will have the cook prepare succulent treats to tempt your palate. My mother was a Home Ec major and she knows many gourmet recipes. I was thinking of Coq au Vin, roasted new potatoes with dill, and asparagus tips for dinner. This would of course be followed by Cherries Jubilee for dessert, which is served flaming, which is symbolic of my love for you. Naturally, we will partake of sparkling cider of the finest vintage that the Loblaw cellars have to offer.

I await your return with bated breath. I will meet you at the train station my love, with a single red rose as a token of my affection. (I know you are flying home, but I think a train station makes a more romantic image, don't you?)

Your patient and devoted lover, Gerald
At 3:27 PM, Anonymous said…

First I have to say, Gerald get over yourself. Secondly, you've been taking those 80 year old books on winning a woman's heart, that Grandpa Richard's gave you a tad bit too seriously. Really, what teenage boy talks like that?

Secondly, I am not marrying Anthony. I just spent the last few hours talking to him on the phone. Well, most of it was him crying and sobbing about how he needs me and wants me and so on and all that. To get him off my back I told him that I would go back to Mtig and when I got back "We'd see" if things can work out. I hate hurting him. I know he's had things a little rough lately. Hopefully in that space of time he'll be able to get his marriage and self back on track, and maybe I'll just stay up in Mtig the whole year. Wouldn't it be cool Apes? If I stayed up there maybe you could come up and visit me (maybe stow Becky away with you), and we'd hang out up in the Great North for the summer. We'd go to a few Pow wows and such.

As far as Mom and Dad are concerned they do have twisted senses of humor. They think it's normal though. One evening I caught them in front of the T.V. watching a show laughing and carrying on. They told me they were watching a cute animal show. Turns out it was some documentary about the cruelty animals in China suffer. They also live by the "cruel to be kind" philosophy. So, if they are mean to you, it really means they care about you. It's a twisted way to live but there it is. I know I am not living up to Mom's expectations and she's pretty disappointed that I'm not furnishing her with Grandchildren to brag about. You can tell that I am ill favored by the fact that everyone shows up on the cover of the new book but me. Even Merry is there. The only reason Robin isn't is that the books cover had been set before he was born. Mom also had all kinds of Icons made. Everyone has at least two. Butterscotch rates three. I rate one and I'm lucky it was there at all.
At 3:34 PM, Anonymous said…

aww liz i don't get it what did u do 2 make ur mom not like u? u seem a lot cooler than mike 2 me.

becks
At 4:20 PM, April Patterson said…

i don't know abt dumping ger, becks, cuz he has a way of making me like him when we r tog or when he sends me e-mail. but these weird posts where u r sounding all "grampa" r freaking me out, ger. mayB when i get back we can have a pizza. 4get abt all that fancy stuff, k? & u can wait 4 me @the train sta. if u want, but my fam's picking me up @ the airport.

omg, liz, that soundz horrible w/mom & dad laffing @the animal docu, but so like them, 2. we have a scaree fam.

thanx 4 the advice, howard. i'm glad u understand.
At 6:08 PM, Anonymous said…

becks, liz's ma prob doesnt like her coz she is the middle child. all ma's dont seem 2 like the middle one. my friend back n 'roit is a middle kid and the mom's always trying 2 kill him, w/ no success. she reminds me of that baby on the family guy show who trys 2 kill his ma.

and howard, i dont that u have 2 worry 'bout goin' 2 the slammer. when liz finally goes 2 the cops 'bout the "going after", they'll tell her that because she waited so long there's nothing they wont b able 2 do.
At 7:04 PM, howard said…

Becky,

Thanks for calling your dad about the car. I was getting tired of having to ask people for rides all the time. Thanks to you, I was able to drive out and go bowling with my uncle and aunt for the first time in months. They regaled me with many stories about the practical jokes they are playing on their upstairs neighbors. Then they showed me an old copy of “The Clarion Weekly” from back in June, and showed me this column in the paper called “Edgewise.” The title of the column was “The Evil Downstairs Neighbors Whose Name Rhymes with Kelpbroth.” In the article the paragraphs were broken up with the titles:

Herman Melville And Winnie The Pooh Kelpbroth, Evil Incarnate

No Smoking While Recycling

All Our Stuff Is On Our Side Of The Tape.

We Have 1/3 Of The Garden. Nyah. Nyah.

Oy. The Landlady Loves Us And Not You.

The column was too long to repeat in this Blog, but let me tell you I was dumbstruck the whole time I was reading it. “Hasn’t this guy heard of libel?” I asked. My aunt said that they are holding onto this article to use as a trump card, in case the practical jokes don’t work to drive the neighbors out. They have a friend who knows enough law to do a pretty good impersonation of a lawyer, but they want to wait until just the right moment to use him.

After bowling, we went back to their place and they introduced me to a party game they have invented called “Make Them Dance” which involves rapping a broomstick on the ceiling. We also played a really fun drinking game, but that is probably inappropriate talk for a person of your age.

By the by, do you know this Brian Dribbledraph guy? He has been posting me legal advice. Is he a lawyer or a policeman or something?

Toodles,
Howard Kelp"broth"
At 7:15 PM, Anonymous said…

Gerald. I went to your lame house and fixed your lame computer and found out in the mean time that you were posting as The C and you were spreading some ungentalmanly rumors about April and Becky. I think you owe them an explanation and an appology or something. And if you don't believe I can kick your suave butt, you know my bro Peter can.
At 7:31 PM, April Patterson said…

howard, i was surprised yr aunt & uncle hadn't slapped by bro w/a libel suit. that article is so typical mike.

btw, were u borrowing a car 2 follow my sis home? mayB a used car on loan from a certain garage & grill?

brian's a kid our age who will starting m-boro high next month. he just moved up from detroit.
At 7:36 PM, Anonymous said…

lol on the article howie.

i knew it wuz ger all along who wuz the c so i m not surprised. an' i've hated ger 4 a while now so this doesn't change my opinion of him.

jason, u r pretty cube for a 10 y o!

apes, i m never gonna change my mind u need 2 dump ger. he is a loozer.

becks
At 7:39 PM, Anonymous said…

My sweetest April,

You protest now, but my grandfather has assured me that my winsome and dapper ways will "land me the dame" in the end!

I await your return, my succulent tulip.

Your internet lover, Gerald

P.S.--Pay no heed to Becky. She is jealous of our amour.
At 7:49 PM, April Patterson said…

i don't know, ger. u have this way of looking @ me that makes me melt. but u r freaking me out & becky's making an awful lot of sense. & i'm young & i need 2 have fun, not b all serious!
At 8:12 PM, Anonymous said…

My dulcid darling,

Please explain to me at once what I am doing that "freaks you out." I would never want to make my lover uneasy. Nay, I strive to make you love me so dearly that you fall limpid into my arms such that I may cover your neck with feathery kisses.

Your lover forever, Gerald
At 8:17 PM, Anonymous said…

Oh my. I had my grandfather review my posts on this blog so he could tell me what I was doing wrong in my romantic quest for April's love. He informs me that the proper spelling of "dulcid" is "dulcet." I am such a dunderhead.

Your loving lover, Gerald
At 8:19 PM, April Patterson said…

ger, becky's been working on a song called "if you have to ask you won't understand". mayB becks wdn't mind quoting from her song?
At 8:25 PM, howard said…

April,

Thank for the information about Brian. I now know how seriously to take his legal advice.

About the car I used to follow your sister. This is a delicate subject and I am not sure how to broach it. It is currently having its transmission repaired and tires replaced in a local Milborough garage that does also have a restaurant attached. I kind of messed up the transmission while I was using it. However, it was not a loaned used car from that garage.

Lawrence got it for me especially to use on the stalking part of the job for his “friend.” He said I would need to have a car that was noticeable for the stalking to be effective. He said the car which I was to use belongs to a close friend of his “friend”. April, I am not sure how to say this, since you believe Lawrence and Nick’s “friend” is your brother Mike. But, I think the car I used is owned by a person who deals in illegal drugs and naughty pictures. There were dozens of pictures of half-naked women in the trunk of the car, with business cards that had a Cannabis emblem on them, imprinted with the words, “Weed. Professional photographs.” I sincerely hope for your sake, that Lawrence and Nick’s “friend” is not your brother.

Sorry to be the one to tell you,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 8:35 PM, Anonymous said…

apes u r embarrassing me! omg that song is so not done. but here's part

"if you have to ask, you won't understand"

you stupid old fool
you'll never understand
guess i'll have to school
you with the back of my hand!

you're never gonna get it
why should i waste my time
trying to put an explanation
into this song in rhyme--?

if you were clever
i wouldn't have to spell it out
but it's you however
so i'll use small words
so there won't be any doubt!

i'll take on the task
and make it clear as i can
if you have to ask
you'll never understand

--becky mcguire

it's so not my best work. i wuz kinda pissed when i wrote it an' i think that kinda shows.

i'm not sure ger is gonna get it. it's not like the song comes strait out an' sez, "ger, it's creepy 2 hit on your gf with moves that haven't been considered kewl since the 19th century."
At 9:00 PM, April Patterson said…

becks, i know that song's not done yet, but i luv what u've written so far. when u sang that 2 me over the phone, it sounded awesum! but mayB i shd just ask ger 2 read that last line of yr post!

howard, mike has a friend named josef weeder, aka weed. he's a photographer. soundz like it musta been weed's car. i wonder how mike got him involved?
At 9:17 PM, Anonymous said…

My ravishing little ingenue,

I don't really understand how Becky's song applies to me. But the last line of her post seems to indicate that perhaps you find my charming Old World manners to be a tad offputting? Or even distasteful?

While my grandfather and my great uncle assure me this cannot be so, I will trust your judgment and try to restrain my natural suave yet exuberant charm.

Surely you like some of my old-style moves, April--? They are, after all, the moves that got you to put out for our first kiss, as well as our first trip to second base behind the gym at the grad dance.

Forever your lover, Gerald
At 9:24 PM, Anonymous said…

howard,

my dad's friend is a cop & i asked him what would happen if some1 waited a long time to press charges & that is what he said. sorry 4 not mentioning that little fact be4 & thought u would b interested 2 no that. i would nvr b a lawyer, way 2 boring.
At 9:41 PM, April Patterson said…

omigod, ger, how can i trust u if u go around telling ppl that we went 2 2nd base? fyi, u struck out midway betw 1st & 2nd (u got my shoulders, not my boobs!). so is this the kind of thing u've been saying on the message boards, "the c"?
At 11:18 PM, Anonymous said…

My scrumptious little honeybun April,

I am sorry my love. I thought our nookie was public knowledge because Becky caught us, and you know what a rumor-monger she is.

I was wondering why your breasts were so high and firm and bony. Perhaps I need to consult my grandfather's anatomical atlas so that I will be a more knowledgeable and pleasing lover the next time we are in amour's warm embrace.

I would never spread rumors about you online, April. Only about Becky. And other people. But not you, my sugary slice of wedding cake (I hope!).

My undying love and devotion forever,
your lover,
Gerald
At 11:19 PM, Anonymous said…

god i think i'm gonna puke
At 12:18 AM, Anonymous said…

Yeah me too. You are so full of tofu Gerald! If you don't cut it with this flowery mumbo jumbo stuff I'm going to post some of the things you've been saying at the BB.
At 1:14 AM, Anonymous said…

post them! pleeze! show apes what he gets up 2 when she's not around.

becks
At 1:18 AM, howard said…

Gerald Forsythe,

I have only been posting since last Friday, so it is difficult for me to tell if you are being facetious or not. Plus you are just a kid, so I am going to cut you a little slack for immaturity. That being said, I do not like what you have been saying about my bud Becky. It has been making me angry. Lay off.

Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:33 AM, howard said…

April,

Sorry for my last post to Gerald. I know you like him, but I couldn’t take him insulting Becky any more. She’s your best friend, so I am sure you understand.

Thank you for the information about Joseph Weeder. The name Weeder sounds really familiar for some reason. I am so relieved to know that he is a photographer and not a drug dealer. There is one thing that confuses me. The car I was using was fancy and attracts attention, which is the reason Lawrence wanted me to use it. Most of the photographers I know don’t make that much money. Does this guy have a side job where he makes a lot of money?

Curiously,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:02 AM, howard said…

Brian Dribbledraph,

Thanks for the encouraging words that you have been posting to me. I understand from April that you have just moved up from Detroit. Welcome to Milborough. Since you are new here, I can only presume that your dad’s friend, the cop works in the lower 48.

In Canada, the laws are a little different. For example, the criminal limitations period for serious offences (like my assault on Elizabeth) is unlimited, i.e. can be charged any time in the future, even if the crime happened twenty years ago for example. It is possible that your dad’s friend is aware of this (Detroit is not that far from Canada, after all), but may be thinking of the criminal limitations period for summary (less serious offences) where the period is 6 months from the date of the offence.

I appreciate your efforts to comfort someone you have never met, however I have come to accept the fact that Elizabeth can press charges against me anytime she pleases and I doubt that she will wait 20 years.

Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:25 AM, Anonymous said…

howard,

my dads friend is actually a cop somewhere in maryland. im not sure what the laws are there since that kind of stuff bores me. i am 14, after all. im more interested in video games & watching music videos on mtv (now i'll have 2 settle for muchmusic).
At 8:54 AM, Anonymous said…

Posted from the CCSGBB by The C August 9th:

"Becky McGuire she said she'll do anything anytime anywhere all I have to do is ask!"

"So I was like, Becky you know April and I are and item. And she was like, April and I share everything and then she kissed me on..."

"April and I went totally roadside in her Mom's Crevass while her sister was driving and our friend Duncan was watching. It was totally hot."

"Oh yeah Chip, roadside means Alllllllllll the way"

"After getting of the phone with April and listening to her tell me how much she loves and misses me, Becky laughed and"

Sorry Becky...and that's not the half of it and I had to cut off because posting the other stuff. It made my stomach queasy like eating dinner when Mom has made her eggplant surprise. Peter helped me edit some more of what he calles the gory details that he said I didn't get because he says that April would want to keep her site G-rated.
At 9:08 AM, April Patterson said…

wow, jason, thanx 4 giving us the info on "the c". ger, how cd u spread such sick lies about me & becks? what is yr prob? mayB i'll talk my mom in2 letting me stay here in winni. or move 2 mtiglalalalala w/liz inst. of being around such a perv! the 2nd choice wd be better cuz liz wd let becky come along 2. tho winni has steve!!!!!

howard, u don't need 2 apol. 4 taking a harsh tone w/gerald. as u can see, i'm feeling pretty harsh abt him 2 rite now. i don't know where weed is getting his $. mayB sum peeps out there know sumthin.

April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

NOT Kissing My E-Mail!

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