April's Real Blog

Saturday, July 16, 2005

"A Patterson is a Second-Rate Richards"

Well, there's not too much to say about the whole band sitch at the mo. Liz tries to comfort me by reminding me I'm goin' off to the farm for the summer an' leaving everything behind. Well, that includes Gerald, an' I'm not sure how I feel about that. Becky says maybe I'll meet a cute farmboy and forget about everything. I don't know. Meanwhile, I thought I'd explain something about my mom.

Many peeps have the impression that my mom thinks that Pattersons are superior to everyone. That's not exactly true. Actually, my mom thinks that Richardses are superior to everyone. Keep in mind that she's a Patterson by marriage, but a Richards by birth. Pattersons are good, too. After all, my mom married one. But in her mind, a Patterson is a second-rate Richards. (She actually blurted this out once during an argument with my dad. I wasn't supposed to hear that.) So in her head, she, Gramps, and Uncle Phil are a bit higher up than Dad, Aunt Bev, an' my other grandparents. Liz, Mike, an' I are somewhere in between, cuz we've got Richards blood along with Patterson blood. Sometimes I think Mom must have a secret chart somewhere that she uses to keep track of percents and ranks.

NEway, once you know that my mom thinks that a Patterson is a second-rate Richards, u can understand a bit better the way she sometimes treats Dad. Pattersons are better than most peeps 2 her, but they have flaws that need to be corrected. Like loading the dishwasher wrong or arranging the linens in anything other than color and alphabetical order. She watches her kids closely for signs of these weak Patterson traits so's she can train 'em out of us.

So now u must be thinking this explains a lot about us Patts kids, an' u'd be right. Sometimes Liz an' I joke about giving each other gift certs for therapy.

Well, that's all for now. I'm gonna go dream about Gerald now (I hope this won't be a nightmare!).

Apes dreaming


  • At 10:04 AM, Anonymous Liz said…

    Just wait until we find out what chart she puts her grandkids! That's only 1/4th Richards.

    I do have the comfort of knowing, that if I should ever find true love and get married, I won't be a Patterson anymore. But, Mom is lobbying really hard for me to get back together with Anthony! Anthony? I told her, "He's married! He has a child! He looks like he's 50!" But, he is a Caine, which to her is like a 2nd rate Patterson, so for her he's "ok".

    I don't know what she thinks of Forsyth's Ape, but she probably has a good outlook on them, seeing how Gerald is really starting to look like a Richards.

  • At 11:25 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeh, i was thinkin' about where this puts merrie an' robin. they'd be lower'n us but still above dad, tho. unless mom thinks they've got 2 much sobinski. that's what makes my head hurt when i start thinking about this stuff.

    i suppose in ma's head it's ok 4 u 2 go after anthony cuz therese is like a 4th-rate krelbutz. ow, here comes the headache!

  • At 3:07 PM, Blogger Deanna Patterson said…


    Remember how you and I were cruising down "Yonge" a few months ago? How we had that little talk about "boys?"

    I must say I am disappointed that you and "Gerald" engaged in that "behavior" though I am glad to see you were only kissing and you didn't let him touch your ... your ... well, your "sweater kittens."

    Does your mother know you have this "blog?"


  • At 4:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dee, mom doesn't know about this blog an' it totally needs to stay that way! pls don't rat me out! remember, if my mom sez NEthing about me having a blog, she means my fake blog. As far as she's concerned, a blog is a place to post pictures and recipes that ppl send you in e-mail.

  • At 5:46 PM, Blogger Deanna Patterson said…

    Okay, April, I won't "tell." I think you should wait until you're married or at least "engaged" before you let a "boy" do those things. Of course, once you are engaged or married I can show you a neat "trick" with birth control which will ensure your "intended" will have to marry/stay "married" to you.


  • At 2:49 AM, Anonymous Michael Pattersson said…

    hey apes,

    glad to see you hear, dee. i was jsut telling apes the other day that she shouldn't be like her friend becky mcguire and put out for every guy that, comes along. i told her thta you and mom keep saying that boys only want one thing and that you should know! by teh way, honey, how's your headache?

    anyways, i remember when i was little and mom would bathe me and liz together. mom caught me looking at my tinkler and she got so mad, she drug me out of the tub and paddled my behind right there in front of liz. then she made me wear clothespins on my tinkler all day. mom said it's not a tinkler. she calles it "satan's wand". mom says it's a horible thing because boys use it to hurt girls and that's how babys are made. i think dee feels the same way, don't you honey?

    mom even trained liz to hurt me if i ever touched or looked at it again. (lawrence told me to type this so everybody could see: http://www.fborfw.com/timetravel/archives/000980.php) (i have no idea what any of htat means. i think it's french for "hey everybody, look at this!!!)

    well, got to go. got a big day at the writer's course tomorrow. we're learning about capatalasatshion. (i askd the teacher what that meant and she said its just fancy word for big letters.)

    michael patttrerson

    p.s. hey dee, when did apes get kittens? i thought liz was the only one with a cat? i've never herd of "sweater kittens" tho. they sound cute. maybe we cna check out apes's sweater kittens and see if we could bring merrie and robin over to see them too? better yet, maybe we could talk apes into lettting us take one home?

  • At 12:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, mike, i think liz an' i better start puttin' aside some therapy coupons 4 u, too!

  • At 3:41 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    i do not put out for every guy i just went to 2nd base one time with jeffo an' i learned my lesson. my sister sez i should wait until i'm grown up 2 do sex stuff. like 16.

    my sis also sez to tell u that deanna sounds frigid an' u shouldn't take sex advise from her cuz u'll end up thinking sex is dirty even if u're married.



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