April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Feeling Better

Wow, thanx 2 all the peeps who have been checking in 2 make sure I'm OK. I can't believe all the voicemail, text messages, and e-mail I've gotten! I'm feeling much better 2day.

If you'd been following the comments from my Monday post, you know abt the crazee dinner Beckers & I had w/Mary Worth. & how I thought I was eating chicken but it turned out it was HORSEMEAT! OMG! So I gagged & up came the bit I'd eaten, but Mrs. Worth barely noticed what with that Rita chick & her boozing again. NEway, I barely had time 2 think abt what had just happened w/all the commoshe. When I got home, my 'rents weren't back yet fr. having dinner @ a fancy restaurant. I was so tired, I just went rite up 2 bed.

Yesterday morning I woke up fr. the worst nightmarez I think I've ever had, ever ever ever! I don't remember everything, but there was stuff about Mary Worth making me eat a big stew and then saying it was "PATTERSON STEW, MADE FROM REAL PATTERSONS!" Then, there was this other dream where a bunch of horses were trying to eat me alive and saying "YOU'RE IN HELL! YOU'RE IN HELL!" And that's just what I remember, I know I had a bunch more, but mostly it was the kind of thing where I was left with a horrible, horrible feeling. Like I'm all rotted out inside, but worse? It's so hard 2 explain!

As U know, I wuz pretty much in bed the whole day, feeling just sick, sick, sick. Liz took great care of me and she got Shawna-Marie to come over to help. She'd just come back from spending the summer in Bracebridge & was glad 2 get a chance 2 see Liz, even if it was 2 help w/sick me.

Gerald came over in the afternoon and sat with me until around 8:30 last night. Mostly, he sang to me and read to me. I was crying a lot & don't remember half of what I said. I know the nightmares were haunting me & I kept having this horrible feeling of needing 2 get the horses 2 forgive me. Liz talked to Becky early in the evening & Becks came over just a bit later. When she came in2 my room she jumped on my bed & hugged me & started crying & saying she was so, so sorry. I'd just stopped crying 4 a while myself, but I started all ov. again when Becks got started. Gerald just sat there looking uncomfortable w/2 crying girlz.

Liz came in & said she & Becky had planned something special. Liz said she'd learned some healing ritual up in Mtighollaback & she handed out some pages she'd printed out from my computer. We all had special linez 2 recite. There was a bunch of stuff about being 1 w/nature. There were some parts that Becky and Liz wrote themselves. They even mentioned Mrs. Worth by name.

Afterwards, Becks & I talked a long, long time. Liz got Gerald & Shawna-Marie 2 leave the room so we cd talk alone. Becky felt, well, she felt like total shit 4 (in her words) tricking me in2 eating horsemeat. She said she was just so desperate 2 get that gig & Mrs. Worth put her in2 this horrible position. She thought that if I didn't know it was horse it wdn't hurt me, & then we'd get $ & gd recs out of playing @ the party. I was upset that Becky didn't trust me 2 come up w/a plan, like on that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry tricks Elaine's cousin in2 thinking he's eating mutton, when really he's spitting the meat in2 the cloth napkins. 'Cept better than that.

We both cried a lot. A LOT. But after all that, we agreed just 2 h8 Mary Worth 4 causing this horror. Becky called Marjee up & asked if she cd stay @ her apt cuz her mom had been in 1 of her "moods" all day. Cuz she'd been watching some old movie on TV that reminded her of Becky's dad.

After Becky and Shawna-Marie had left, Gerald was still there. He was stroking my hair and making up poems, but whenever Liz left the room, he tried climbing in2 my bed. Liz had some kinda radar tho, cuz as soon as he had 1 leg in my bed, she'd be throwing open my door & saying "Knock it OFF, Gerald Delaney Forsythe!"

Oh, & I just found out about Becky's surprise, using the Mary Worth $ 2 buy horseriding lessons 4 me! OMG, Becks, that is, like, the nicest thing NE1 has ev. done 4 me! Thank U sooooo much! Oh, & thanx 4 the twizzlerz, 2. I had 2 hide them so my mom wdn't find them on her next "inspection".

BTW, when Dad picked me up @ the aiport Sunday, 4 sum reason he had the idea that Mom was already taking Liz back up north. It turns out he was only half listening when they were telling him their plans, cuz he was so preoccupied reading sum new "dentist adventure novel". NEway, my mom & Liz just left this morning. Oh, well, gotta get "psyched down" fr. summer cuz school will start B4 U know it!

Apes out

27 Comments:

  • At 9:06 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, mike just called & was babbling abt sumthing i didn't understand @ 1st. but i was looking ov. yesterday's comments & found where anthony wrote:

    "Just giving you guys a head's up, your Mom's got what Liz used to call "a rabbit up her ass" about some kind of contest the local Milborough Gazette and Advertiser is running.

    "She told me about it "in secret" but I got the impression it was the kind of secret she wanted blabbed to her children.

    "It's for some "Mom of the Year" or maybe "Woman of the Year" thing they're running, open to any woman with a child. The kids are supposed to submit essays to the paper about why their mother is the best. I got the impression it was supposed to be cute kid's essays written in crayon but your mom is under the impression that Michael is going to write this brilliant Pulitzer prize type essay on Motherhood, specifically Elly Patterson brand of motherhood, and with heartfelt testimonials from her virtuous daughters she's a shoe-in.

    "Anyway, she was dropping hints like a B-52 carpet bombing about her kids "surprising" her by entering. She's probably going to leave the paper lying around somewhere where you can find it easily."

    so, yeah, mike was blathering on & on abt how he was going 2 write the "best article ever" about "the best mom in the world" & how i'd better make sum notes 2 add my own stories 2 his article. omg! he has no idea, does he?

    apes

     
  • At 9:46 AM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…

    April,

    On the flip side of that page in the Milborough Gazette and Advertiser there's a fancy recipe for a whole beef tenderloin that involves wrapping it in this salt-dough that's kind of like playdough, and then another for some impossible-looking dessert involving hardened Belgian chocolate flutes and champagne, so if your mom mentions to Liz that she stuck a recipe in her luggage for a $100 cut of meat and a dessert fit for the Sultan of Brunei that she might want to make in Mtigwaki she'll know what the real purpose is :)

     
  • At 9:48 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, anthony, i can't even think abt meat!

     
  • At 11:51 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes! Ive been 'puter grounded since my mom caught us on Sun on r way 2 the garage opera an' this is the 1st time my 'rents have both been out an' I could go an' get the mouse an' keyboard. I didnt want 2 say nething bad 2 u abt Ger on Sun 'cos hes yr bf but hes told u lies abt Sat night an' now Ive got 2 tell u what really happened.

    Ger called an' asked me if I wanted 2 go with him 2 check out a potential gig 4 the band. I said ok, Im not doing nething neway, an' we met up. Ger said hed made "an important and influential new business contact," this Mr. Shakleford d00d, an' that were going 2 check out Mr. S.'s new place called The Gig 'cos Mr. S. wants 4Evah 2 b The Gigs house band. I said 4Evah was thru an' I was changing my artistic direction 2 rap an' hip hop neway, but Ger said 4Evah wasnt thru an' hes r new manager an' hes auditioning 4 a new member if Beckers doesnt come back but hes pretty sure Beckers would b back 'cos Mr. S. said if Beckers wasnt in the band she would b on the pole.

    NEway, we get 2 The Gig, an' Ger gives the doorman this $100US bill. Id never even seen 1 b4 so I asked Ger where he got it an' he said its "compliments of Mr. Caine, who is one of Mr. Shakleford's most loyal and trusted associates." We sit down an' Ger orders us these Long Island Ice Teas. I tried 2 drink mine but I dont like tequila, its nasty even w/o the worm, so I gave mine 2 Ger an' got a Blue Light.

    We watched some of the auditions an' then this pole dancer named Kortney came 2 r table an' frenched me an' said now u r cured. She asked me a weird question, if I was purple newhere else, an' then she stopped talking 2 me 'cos Ger told her that Im "a sexual deviant who is known to the Milborough Police Force." Thanks, Ger. So Ger starts buying Kortney Long Island Ice Teas, an' I think they went thru 2 or 3 of them while I had my beer. Kortney had her hands all over Ger, an' Ger was saying gross things 2 her like, "my dainty little sugar plum," "my moist little cupcake," "my lovely daffodil," "my luscious little lemon drop," and "my pulchritudinous little pole dancer." Then Kortney asked Ger if he wanted 2 take her 2 a private VIP room for a lap dance, "compliments of Mr. Caine." While they were gone, I went 2 introduce myself 2 the ladies waiting 2 audition 'cos we might all b working 2together in a professional capacity, an' most of them were really nice an' when they went on stage 4 their auditions, they gave me shout outs, which was so cube. Ger an' Kortney came back an' said we had 2 go. Kortney gave us a ride home which took 4ever 'cos Kortney had 2 keep pulling over 2 let Ger spew. Kortney dropped me off 1st 'cos she said she didnt want 2 b alone in her car with a perv, an' thats all I no.

    p.s. I dont no y Mr. S. thought we were lousy tippers 'cos I tipped a whole loonie 4 my Blue Light.

    p.p.s. Apes, Im sorry 2 hear yr sick from eating horse, thats so nasty. Whenever my 'rents take me "back home" I hafta eat goat, an' thats gross an' I dont even like goats very much.

    p.p.p.s. Beckers, I dont no y u havent got a restraining order on Ger yet when he keeps hacking in2 yr 'puter.

     
  • At 12:00 PM, Anonymous Jason said…

    Duncan I don't believe Gerald has hacked into Becky's computer. Trust me he doesn't have the computer know how to do any of that. Most likely he figured out her Blogger password. I'd change it if I were you Becky.

    April I am so sorry to hear your story about the horse meat. Next time you have to go to Mrs. Worth's house tell her you are a vegitarian. She knows what it means because Mom went to dinner at her house a few months ago and they had this big talk about vegitarianizm and how to respect people's likes and dislikes. So are you going to become a vegitarian now? Because tofu is really gross...well at least the way my mom fixes it is the way my mom fixes it.

     
  • At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Jason said…

    Well that didn't make sense.
    The way my mom fixes tofu is really gross. End of story.

     
  • At 12:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, dunc, i don't know who 2 b'lieve now abt yr nite @ the gig w/ger. it's like that movie rashomon where every1 has a diff. version of sumthing that happ'ed.

    & omigod, ger, if it's tru abt u & kortney i don't even kno what 2 say. don't u remember she totally threatened me when she wuz still working @ my mom's store?

    jason, the way i feel now, i m seriously considering becoming veg., but i kno my ma wd totally freak out. she's 1 of those ppl who thinx every meal needs sum kinda meat dish.

     
  • At 1:56 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My minty little candy cane,

    Our friend Duncan is being less than forthright about the events that transpired during our visit to The Gig. In fact, a large portion of his tale is entirely fabricated. I reported the events of that night truthfully, at least as far as I could remember them. Duncan, however, has chosen to write untruths that will create tension between us and disrupt our amour, no doubt for some nefarious purpose of his own. I believe Duncan is afraid of violating the terms of his probation. I also believe that he would like to enjoy the amour of my sweet little sticky bun for himself, and that he is trying to break us up in a most underhanded manner.

    Please do not believe him. Remember, I am the one with the reputation for geekiness and Patterson-like behavior, and Duncan is the known sex offender.

    Sincerely and devotedly your sexual plaything and true lover forever, Gerald

    P.S.--Where would I get a $100 bill? I don't even know Anthony! Whereas Duncan knows all kinds of unsavory characters and has also been suspected of extorting money from members of our class on whom he has "the dirt," as he puts it.

     
  • At 2:05 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg apes now u have 2 break up with ger 4 sure!!!

    it's ok if u want 2 b a vegetarian even tho all the kids who r veg at r school r total lame-o geeks it wld not make u one if u decided 2 do it. sorry jason i m not calling u a lame-o geek even tho ur mom tries to make u be veg i see ur sister eating hamburgers in the cafeteria so i guess u kids r not veg all the way also u don't go 2 our school neway.

    apes i got a letter from rita this morning this is what it sed:

    "Dear Becky and April,

    Thank you so much for arranging for me to enter this treatment program. I am already feeling much better. In two days, I have already learned more about overcoming my addiction than I did in the weeks and weeks I spent with Mary Worth. In fact, after what I have learned here, I realize now that Mary Worth was actually a dangerous influence in my life. She did not have the knowledge needed to help me overcome my addiction, and in fact my time with her was detrimental to my recovery. The staff here says that she probably knew she was incapable of helping me, but kept me out of helpful treatment because she could not admit failure. I might have been trapped with her for months if the two of you had not come along. Thank you so much. I owe you my life.

    I have spoken to Mary on the telephone. She threatened to kill herself if I did anything to damage her reputation as a miracle worker and overall advice-giving infallible oracle. Naturally, I do not want to be the instrument of her death, so we agreed to say that I went home to some long-lost relatives that Dr. Jeff Cory located for me.

    Gratefully yours, Rita Begler"

    wow krazee stuff huh? well i don't know abt u but i'm not gonna lie 4 that krazee old bag she gets whatever she deserves 4 feeding u horse meat.

    well i gotta go now i'm still at marjee's house an' maynard wants 2 use the puter.

    talk soon, becks

     
  • At 2:40 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    As you may or may not have heard, I did not get the bouncer job at Alleycatz on Yonge Street in Toronto. So I got to my aunt and uncle’s apartment a lot earlier than I have been when I work the other Yonge Street bar. There were some things that happened during the visit that I thought you should know.

    When I got to the apartment, I found my uncle in the foyer playing with the tape that lines the center of the floor. He was using it to make shapes of hearts, flowers and ducks. You may remember that his upstairs neighbor put down this tape as a dividing line between their property and his, and my uncle moves it every day as a joke. I said, “I’m sure that your neighbor is going to figure out you’re moving his tape with all these designs.” My uncle just grinned and said, “This isn’t tape. It’s an imaginary line.”

    As my uncle is doing this, an older lady wearing glasses and with a mole on her chin the size of a doughnut hole walked up and said, “Farschiltn. Again with the tape.” My uncle got up and said, “Imaginary line”. Then he introduced me to his landlady Lovey. She said, “So, this is your plimenik, the opere zinger weiberischer. I have a kurazie for that.” Then she stuck her tongue in a place on my body where a tongue should not go. “There”, she said, “A kurazie from the old country.”

    As I was recovering, we heard someone coming. My uncle rushed me into his apartment and we looked through his almost closed door. Much to my surprise, the changeling guy that I had seen on Yonge Street a few nights ago appeared. He stopped at the tape and said, “Mr. Imaginary Line. What glorious beauty have you created for me this time?” Then he straightened the tape and said, "I await your next greeting, oh line of great imagination."

    When I turned around, my aunt greeted me with a broomstick. She said, “You’re just in time for a round of ‘Make them Dance’. Remember; only hit the ceiling for foot movement. We don’t want them to know we can hear every word they say.” So for the next several minutes we ran around their apartment, all 3 of us carrying broomsticks and rapping the ceiling. After awhile we got tired. My uncle poured each of us a big drink and said, “Now for the drinking game. The words tonight are: headache, stairs, attic, and elly.” April, since you are too young to know about drinking games, the idea behind the game is that you take a sip of an alcoholic beverage every time you hear the upstairs neighbor say one of those words. This is kind of how it went:

    Male voice: Why are the kids playing on the stairs again? [sip]
    Female voice: They must have wandered off while I was boiling carrots.
    Male voice: I have a carrot that needs to be boiled.
    Female voice: Not tonight. I have a splitting headache [sip]
    Male voice: I’ll take my supper in the attic. [sip] I have to finish this testimony for “Mom of the Year” for the Milborough Gazette and Advertiser.
    Female voice: Speaking of “Mom of the Year,” Elly called. [sip] She said April is back from the farm and plans to go back next summer.
    Male voice: Then our plan worked. I thought that guy Steve was a master stroke. My mom is a genius. I will have to write that in the testimony for Elly. [sip]
    Female voice: Elly. Elly. Elly. [sip sip sip] I know she is better than my mother in every way, but do you have to talk about her all the time. It seems every day it’s Elly this [sip] and Elly that [sip]. It just gives me a headache [sip]. Why don’t you go to the attic [sip] so I don’t have to hear the name “Elly”? [sip]

    Around this time, I started getting a little woozy, and I fell asleep on the couch. I am supposed to be working with Becky’s uncle Ralph at “The Gig” again today. If I see Kortney there, I will try to get her version of the “Gerald / Duncan “ story. I know you don’t like Kortney, but given how she feels about me, I bet I can get the truth out of her. You need to know the truth about Gerald, for the sake of your relationship.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 3:05 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Ger, u r the 1 telling what u say r "untruths" an' what I say r lies. Im not on probation, the judge threw out the charges against me. An' Im no extortionist neither. I wouldnt have said nething 2 Apes if u had kept yr mouth shut. I think u r jealous 'cos the pole dancers like me better. Deal.

     
  • At 3:39 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My scrumptious little ganache,

    There you have it! Duncan admits "what I [meaning Dunc] say r lies" and "the pole dancers like me better" [as evidenced by the fact that Kortney seduced him in the back seat of her car]. I maintain that I did not touch or otherwise have relations with any pole dancers. I reserve my amour strictly pour vous, ma petite cherie!

    Si vous m'abandonnez, je serai désolé et je plumerai sûrement hors de mes yeux avec une fourchette rouillée. Mais si vous restez mon amoureux pour toujours, nous aurons des rapports sexuels fréquents chaque jour du reste de nos vies.*

    Aah, francais...it is truly the language of love.

    With my blood burning for thee, Gerald

    *Translation, for I know that my little crouton does not speak francais:

    "If you leave me, I will pluck out my eyes with a rusty fork. But if you remain my lover forever, we will have frequent sexual intercourse every day for the rest of our lives."

     
  • At 3:42 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    u know i never thought i'd take ger's side in nething, but i think he's more trustworthy than ol' mc dunce.

     
  • At 4:31 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg u guyz i think i just found out the truth abt the boyz nite out at the gig...an' a whole lot more!!!

    ok i went over 2 dunc's house 2 try 2 get him in trouble with his 'rents 4 spreading lies abt ger not that i care abt ger but i wuz mad cuz it wuz making apes upset again so soon after her horsemeat trauma an' neway i hate dunc.

    but as i'm walking down the sidewalk i see ger is already at the door ringing the bell! i hid behind the hedge an' waited an' sure enuff dunc comes out of the house. he an' ger went around 2 the backyard so i sneaked around the house an' watched them. they went bhind the garage so i went back 2 the side of the garage an' hid bhind the woodpile an' peeked an' listend 2 them.

    ok so first thing ger does is take a pack of cigs out of his pocket an' he lights up! he takes a real deep drag an' blows some smoke rings an' then he sez 2 dunc, "i thought u were my pal dunc...how come ur trying 2 mess it up between me an' april?" an' dunc sez, "i'm not trying 2 mess anything up 4 u, but man it's not kewl 2 spread it around that i did it with kortney krelbutz! she's a two-bagger, an' besides, april hates her, which will make her hate me! besides, u did her 2!"

    ger got real annoyed then an' he stomps out his cig an' sez, "do u know how hard it is dating a patterson girl? it takes a really, really long time 2 get those panties off, man! i gotta have a release!" then he takes something out of his other pocket an' it's a bottle of airplane glue! he takes a sniff an' passes it 2 dunc an' then he huffs some 2 b4 ger puts it back in his pocket.

    then dunc sez, "yeah, but ur lucky man--u at least got april falling 4 u. pretty soon she'll be all in love, an' u know what happens when a patterson girl falls in love!" an' ger gets a big grin on his face an' sez, "yeah...those panties come off an' she turns into a sexual demon!!! u know, eric wuz back in the chat room again last nite. he's still all hung up on liz."

    "still?" dunc asked, an' ger goes, "yeah. he wuz crying again cuz he knows he blew it with liz an' that he'll never b able 2 find another woman as krazee wild in the sack as liz. it's not like patterson chicks r a dime a dozen u know. but at least what he sed gave me hope. he sed it took a real long time 4 him 2 get liz 2 put out, but then as soon as he got her in love with him, BAM! it wuz like she wuz a whole 'nother person. she wuz so wild that a lot of times he had 2 go 2 emergency at student health 2 get stitches or cream 4 his bruises an' whatever. he sez 1 time she did it 2 him so hard that he thought she broke it." an' dunc sed, "broke what?" an' ger goes, "don't be a DUNCE, dunc!" an' dunc goes, "oh!" an' laughs. then ger goes, "y do u think granthony is so hung up on her? it's only 4 1 reason. an' it's sure not her brain. every1 in m-boro knows that when they were handing out the brains, liz patterson was waiting for 2nds in the horndog line!" an' they laugh again.

    then dunc goes "man r u ever lucky! an' u can totally tell apes is gonna be just as wild 2. i saw u 2 in the back seat of ol' jelly's crevasse on the way home frum grad an' april was all over u! u 2 were steamin' up the windows!" an' ger goes, "yeah, she let me go 2 2nd base an' i wuz getting waved into 3rd but just then liz pulled up at the curb at my house an' i had 2 go." then dunc sez, "but april sez u didn't even get 2 2nd," and ger goes, "yeah...that's what she SEZ!" an' they both laugh. "u know those patterson hos," ger sez, "all prude on the outside, all wildcat on the inside!"

    then they laugh again an' dunc goes, "yeah, in the car on the way home, i thought abt trying 2 put the moves on liz." an' ger goes, "why didn't u?" an' dunc sez, "i wuz 2 shy. i mean i don't have a lot of experience an' i thought a hott babe like liz patterson wld never go 4 me!" then ger laughs an' sez, "u shoulda told her u were in luv with her!" an' they both laugh like maniacs. ger lites up another cig an' goes, "man, i hope this romantic thing is working cuz it's hard work coming up with all that lame shit."

    then dunc's dad came out of the house yelling 4 him. i ducked bhind the woodpile an' waited 4 them all 2 leave b4 i ran home 2 type this.

    apes i know this is hard 2 hear but it's the truth i swear. becks

     
  • At 4:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, sorry it took me so long 2 get back on. my dad made me go 2 his office & organize the old magz in his waiting room. what a zoo!

    neway. omigod! ger! dunc! i am so, so mad @ u both. & u so didn't get 2 2nd base, gerald millicent delaney forsythe!

    hey, becks, we mite have 2 go back 2 that idea we had when we were jamming ourselves & decided we didn't need ger & dunc.

    howard, thanx 4 telling me what u heard fr. yr aunt & unk's apt. so i wonder what this steve thing was all abt. if u do try 2 find nething out fr. kortney, don't tell her u r finding out 4 me. she totally hates me & prolly wdn't tell u the truth. mayb also u cd find out if the gig has cameras?

     
  • At 5:09 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My beloved gilded lily,

    I called Duncan as soon as I read Becky's post. We agreed that we should be completely honest with you about the situation.

    Yes, the conversation that Becky overheard did happen. But what you need to understand, my little pop tart, is that teenaged boys like to exaggerate sometimes. Especially when they're talking about girls. So I will dissect Becky's post point-by-point and tell you the whole truth behind each one.

    Yes, I sometimes smoke. It's just for fun--I'm not addicted. My cousin Bernard taught me how to blow smoke rings at the last family picnic. I think it makes me look cool, like James Dean.

    Neither Duncan nor I actually had sex with Kortney Krelbutz. What I initially reported--that I passed out in the front seat while Duncan and Kortney got it on in the back seat--was mostly true. I guess she offered to give Duncan some "experience" and, in his quest to become a tough guy, he took her up on it. He will have to tell you just how far it all went. My understanding from Duncan is that Kortney did molest me in some way while I was passed out, but obviously I don't remember that.

    Neither Duncan nor I had a $100 bill. We pooled our allowances and used that to get into the club. We just thought "a C note" sounded cool. Also, we did have Long Island Iced Teas. Duncan thought it would be funny to get me drunk. I guess he just sipped his.

    All the talk about sexual relations was just the fantasies and exaggeration of teenaged boys. Although it is true that Eric frequently appears in the "Mack Daddyz Chat Room" and talks about Liz. And yes, I have to admit that I hope someday we will have amourous relations and that our amour will be that passionate, my pretty little kumquat.

    It is true that April and I have never been to second base. I find this very frustrating.

    Duncan does think Liz is a total babe, and does wish that he could score with her, especially after what Eric said about her. But, then again, so does every kid in school, since they heard about her. The same is true for pretty much every straight man in Milborough. (Eric has been quite indiscreet.) I would not be surprised if her student Jesse is in love with her for precisely this reason.

    And I truly do enjoy romancing my sweet April shower the old-fashioned way, but Duncan makes fun of me for it, and so I felt the need to posture in a more traditional way that was filled with machismo.

    I hope you can forgive me, my most excellent cherry blossom.

    Devotedly yours, Gerald

     
  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, becks, i totally 4got abt yr post abt mrs. worth & rita. it's a gd thing that rita chick got help. i agree w/u, if ne1 asks (& even if they don't) i will them 'em mw is a sick, krayzee, evil beeyotch.

    ger, don't gouge out yr eyez, or talk abt gouging out yr eyez, ok? i don't kno what 2 think rite now. i guess i understand that boyz like 2 brag, but u must c y i'd be a lil confused rite now. also, i noticed u didn't deny the glu-sniffing. pls don't sniff glu, u'll get brain damage. i saw a really scary documentary abt glu heads on cbc.

    apes

     
  • At 6:08 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My delicious little peach dumpling,

    I have confidence that, in time, our relationship will be repaired and even stronger than ever. I am sure that you will realize that a man named Gerald Millicent Delaney Forsythe could never, ever be the kind of player that I was pretending to be. No man named after his grandmother possibly could be.

    As for the allegation that I am into glue-sniffing...well, it's true. I find that I require recreational chemical enhancement in order to inspire me to ever-higher levels of romantic courtship. And to tamp down the feelings of lust that must surely wait until our wedding night or your 16th birthday, whichever comes first. Don't worry my dear. I only do it occasionally.

    Sincerely and devotedly yours forever in passionate amour, Gerald

     
  • At 6:30 PM, Anonymous Jason said…

    Becky - My mom would love for us all to be vegitarians. She thinks that it would be healthier for us. She feeds us meat sometimes though. Peter lives for Thanksgiving turkey and pizza, he's no vegitarian, he just likes to veggitate. As for Paige, I can't speak for her, she's just a pain in the @$$ and well unless I want my head bashed in I can't type what I'm thinking.

    Anyway Gerald you're such a lamo, you'd think that if you were going to post under Becky's name you'd try to make her say mean things about April instead of trying to make virtual time with her. You really nausiate me by the way. And Peter says if you keep it up he, Chip and Jeremy Duncan are going to kick your @$$.

     
  • At 6:59 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I talked to Kortney about what happened between her and the underage kids on Saturday. This is what she told me.

    They had dancer auditions last Saturday at “The Gig,” and they needed some customers for the dancers to work with. In order to encourage people to come in, there was no cover charge and the first drink was free.

    While Kortney was doing her main stage dance audition, she saw the 2 underage guys sitting up front. At the time she said she didn’t know they were underage. She guessed the front door security was a little slack because it was only dancer auditions. One of the kids was black with these odd purple lips. She went up to him, and asked why his lips were so purple and he got all defensive. The white guy sitting next to him started yelling he was “MC DunC, the greatest gangsta rapper in Milborough, with a criminal record and everything.”

    Kortney told them that as a part of their audition they have to give a customer a kiss if they get a tip for their dancing. So, MC DunC handed her a loonie, and she gave him a kiss.

    After she was done with her audition dance on the main stage, she sat down with them. She found out the other guy sitting with MC DunC called himself “The C.” They were drinking Long Island iced teas which they called iced tea. She figured they must have asked for iced tea, but the waitress thought they meant the other kind. MC DunC had only drunk half of his. He didn’t like it because it didn’t taste anything like iced tea. So Kortney called over the waitress and MC DunC ordered a Blue Light beer.

    Kortney told The C she had to do a VIP room dance for her audition and asked him if he would like to be her customer. She said the whole time she was doing her VIP dance, he had his eyes shut and he was saying something like, “The C must stay pure for the A” over and over again.

    After they were done in the VIP room, the owner arrived. The C and MC DunC started talking to him about hiring their band. She remembered the owner asking them whether or not they had any cute girls in the band. Then the owner started yelling about how he recognized them, and how they are underage, and how he could lose his licence giving alcohol to minors. After a big commotion, the owner told Kortney to drive them home. The C got into her front seat and passed out. MC DunC got into the back seat and started spewing. So Kortney went into the back to help him clean up and told him he needed more experience with alcohol before he drinks that much again.

    The whole way in the car, Kortney had to stop for The C and MC DunC to spew. She dropped off MC DunC first, but wished she hadn’t because when they got to The C’s house, he could barely move and she could have used MC DunC’s help to get The C out of her car. She resorted to giving his testicles a good squeeze to motivate him to get out. When she left him, he was walking to his house, but she does not know if he made it or if he passed out again on the way inside. She was really anxious to go home and clean the vomit off her clothes and her car.

    That’s what she told me. I hope it helps you figure out the truth about Gerald and Duncan.

    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 7:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, howard, that helps a lot, lol!

    apes

     
  • At 8:08 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    See! See! I wanted to stay pure for you, my unblemished angel!

    Your devoted future love machine, Gerald

    P.S.--So THAT'S why my nuts hurt!!!

     
  • At 8:14 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    I still think Kortney did something sexual with Duncan though. Why else would I have heard her say, "I want to see if what they say about black men is true"--?? There's only one thing they say about black guys that you can find out about in the back seat.

    And Duncan and Kortney have apparently communicated since that night, because I found out from Duncan that Kortney molested me, yet according to her story, Duncan wasn't there when that happened!

    I think Duncan is being shy about telling us he got lucky. But dude, you totally shouldn't be! You're like the only guy in Grade 8 who has gone all the way! And you did it with a real live pole dancer! You're a stud!!!

    Sincerely and forever April's hot monkey lover, Gerald

     
  • At 8:57 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    hiya Howard, it sounds like ur doing fine. I wouldn't get bummed out about the bouncing gig @ Alleycatz since Juliet sez it's becoming more of a yuppie hangout with the neighbourhood changing. Something about "gentrification." An' not to sound all shiny an' happy, but things happen 4 a reason, u know. Maybe something bigger an better is n store.

    An' I'm sorry I'm just posting now, Apes. Been on the phone with my aunt an' uncle on my dad's side in Quebec...they're trying 2 get me 2 move there 4 school. As if!

    At least ur feeling better an' everyone stopped by to C how ur doing. I can stop by w/some Gardenburgers an' anything else u want. Maybe ur mom will b happy 2 see u cook an' get off ur case 4 a while....LOL

    As 4 Gerald, he thinks he's a smooth playa like Ray Smuckles, an' he's got nothin' on Ray! If he or Duncan talks more smack about u an' Liz, me an' Becks an' Marjee could get them in this kinda trouble...LMAO

    So I can stop by b4 I go to Marjee's house if u want. We're gonna have some pizzas I got on sale at Wal-Mart for $2 and cover them with garlic an oregano....should be good!

     
  • At 9:07 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    yeah right..."oregano"...

     
  • At 9:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sure, vicks, u can stop by if u like. since my mom's away driving liz up 2 mtignoblenativeville, my dad & i had pizza delivered & now we're eating donuts while watching that kids in the hall reunion dvd my mom didn't want us 2 c. scott thompson has made his robot dog all neurotic. 2 funny!

     
  • At 12:42 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Vicki Simone,

    Thank you so much for your kind words about my not getting the job at Alleycatz. I know you are doing the sour grapes thing with you talking about it being a yuppie hangout, but the truth of the matter is that it was the kind of place that I really would not mind working. It was clean. The people were nice, and your cousin Juliet was so funny, I am sure that it would be a pleasure to work with her. The place I work currently is not as nice, but they don’t do background checks on their employees, which is good for me. I hope that you are right about there being something bigger and better in store for me.

    Thanks again,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

Post a Comment

<< Home