April's Real Blog

Monday, August 29, 2005

Wild, wild horses, we’ll ride them some day

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the animals love me & the farm's a slice o' heaven. Oh, & "wild horses couldn't stop me" from going up there again next summer. & I know, I know. This is not only lame, but literally untrue. Cuz wild horses are stronger than I am, & even having the usual Patterson delusions doesn't keep me fr. knowing that. But the only reason I even had that dumb line in my head was I'd just learned the guitar part to the classic Stones song "Wild Horses" the night before, & I had the song going through my head over & over & over.

But who cares about all that when we've got "garage opera", hungover teenage boyz, Anthony with a broken hip, and other xcitement going on in M-boro. Garage op was a blast last nite, but Becks wants 2 tell U abt it, & she mite already have in the comments (I haven't had a chance to read 'em yet). Stay tuned!

posted by April Patterson @ 7:20 AM  

20 Comments:

  • At 8:10 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    this is in response to howard & becky's comments 2 yesterday's post, but i wanted 2 get 2day's comments going. if u haven't checked out yesterday's comments, u can read 'em here. that song was so funny & howard, i can't thank u enuf 4 coming up w/it, u really saved my butt w/my mom. she kept babbling abt it the whole way home. "so nice, so true!" if u r wondering what happened 2 dunc last nite, his 'rents saw us when we were abt a block fr. becky's. they were all, "duncan anderson, u still have a curfew, young man, & we know you got out last nite! home, home w/u!" i'm pretty sure they r the 1's who tipped off my mom.

    neway, here r my lyrics 2 the elly song:

    who says the punniest things?
    it's elly, it's elly!
    who makes her kidz clean the bathtub rings?
    it's elly, it's elly!

    who crax herself up?
    it's elly, it's elly!
    who tells her hubby "shut up?"
    it's elly, it's elly!

    who alwayz knows best?
    it's elly, it's elly!
    in case u haven't guessed,
    it's elly, it's elly!

    i had some others, but i don't remember them all.

     

  • At 8:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April & Elizabeth,

    Not much to say, except that I had my first physical therapy session today. They gave me a walker all tricked out with tennis balls, a horn, and a little fold-down seat so I can rest. Pretty sweet! I was taking a breather when this old fossil plops down next to me and says "Getting old's not for the faint of heart, is it? Haven't seen you around the G-wing, you new?" I guess he must not have had his glasses on or something.

     

  • At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I just wanted to post an apology for my bad mood last night. I've been working lots of OT at the warehouse lately, and yesterday was an esp. bad day. We had some huge shipment of "school girl uniforms". I assumed this was b/c school is starting next month, and I know that the hi-school kids in Mboro have to wear uniforms. But here's something weird: they were all being shipped to a Mr. Shackelford, c/o "The Gig". And there were just girl uniforms, no boy uniforms. Go figure.

    Well, for some reason, the foreman had a bug up his butt about this being a "very special" order & how it was a "big rush" so we'd better haul ass.

    Gotta go, we've got a big shipment of novelty napkins, matchbooks, drink stirs, and who knows what else?

    Maynard

     

  • At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Was that you, Anthony? Geez, you sure looked old for a little whippersnapper! I didn't want to make you feel bad, but that plain-vanilla walker they gave you isn't going to last long. I can hook you up with a much better one!

     

  • At 1:27 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Last night something happened at the Yonge Street bar in Toronto, where I work as a bouncer, that I thought you might like to know.

    This man walked into the bar and his appearance was so startling, I could not help but look at him. You won’t believe it but at first he looked like you with short hair, and then he looked like your sister Elizabeth with short hair, and then sometimes he looked more masculine. I thought I was in a Star Trek episode with a shape-shifter or a changeling. Anyway, this guy sits down next to a man I immediately recognized as the photographer I saw taking pictures of the dancers at “The Gig.” He is sort of a greasy-haired, pony-tail-wearing skinny Goth-looking guy with glasses, and wearing all black. I tried to be inconspicuous and moved closer so I could hear their conversation. I am paraphrasing, but it went something like this.

    Goth guy: That bar of Shackelford’s is so sleazy. There were hardly any girls there good enough for my web site. Plus Gor . . .

    Changeling (interrupting): Please. Use code names. He is “The Millionth One”.

    Goth guy: Why are we using code names?

    Changeling: I am editing a spy novel, and I need to keep my artistic focus.

    Goth guy: OK. Well, “The Millionth One” treats me like I’m a hired thug. He took me down to threaten Ant. . .

    Changeling: Code names.

    Goth guy: “The Millionth One” took me down to threaten Walrus Moustache. I don’t like working for him. I’m an artist, not hired muscle.

    Changeling: I hope you didn’t hurt him. She-who-must-not-be-named has plans for him and Lizardbreath.

    Goth guy: Why do you call her Lizardbreath?

    Changeling: She has halitosis something awful. Only Walrus Moustache can stand to be around her for any length of time. She’s driven away all her other boyfriends.

    At this point, the Changeling’s cell phone rings and he answers it. I can only get one side of this conversation.

    Changeling to the phone: Yes, mother. Laura called and said everything went according to plan, even though Grandpa Will nearly messed it up. Grandpa said that when he was growing up, nothing attracted the young people to the farm like a good fart joke. Yes. They’ll commit him soon. You were right about that. Laura said that Steve guy worked out perfectly. OK. Bye. Love you. (He hangs up.)

    Goth guy: How did things go with your kissing cousin?

    Changeling: It went just the way we wanted. Old Lantern Jaw will do anything for me after our “Summer of Love.” It’s a good thing too, because she-who-must-not-be-named was very unhappy about the way things went with Lizardbreath and Walrus Moustache this summer.

    At this point, I was called over to break up a fight on the other side of the bar. When I was done with that, the Goth guy and the Changeling were both gone. I don’t know what it all means, but maybe you do. I’m leaving to work my electrician apprentice job, but I thought I would post this to you before I left. By the by, it was really nice meeting you last night.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 1:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, howard! ok, "changeling" is my bro, mike. yeah, it's totally weird how he looks diff. fr. 1 mo 2 another. the goth guy is weed. did u ever notice he looks like kortney in drag?

    so steve was part of a plan? i wonder wtf that was abt? mayB we'll get sum more cluez soon. hm. & kissing cuzzies? "summer of luv"? ew, mike, ew laura! so, so sick.

    ooh, gotta go, mom's pounding on my door! it wuz rl Qb meeting u last nite!

     

  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    So that was Weed. I missed the resemblance to Kortney. When I see Kortney, all I really notice is her tongue.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 4:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i'm such a flake 2day! 4 sum reason i totally thought i'd answered u! yes, tell mrs. worth i will b there. i've altered the dress 2 make it more matronly & i'll meet u @ yr house!

     

  • At 4:32 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky and April,

    Please be careful around Mary Worth. If she gives you advice, just nod your head in agreement. Do not under any circumstances, answer any questions about your personal life, no matter how many times she asks you. If you are not careful, you may be dragged into something that could take months to resolve. Becky has been studying up, so April, do what she does. Becky, no matter how nice Mrs. Worth may seem, please remember what I told you about my great-grandfather Augustus Kelpfroth and his disastrous dealings with Apple Mary.

    Nervous,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 4:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, don't worry, becky warned me abt mrs. worth & her prying. gd thing i have so much practice keeping my nosy mom out of my biz!

     

  • At 5:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod! horsemeat! i won't screw nething up 4 u but. oh! oh! i feel my last meal coming up, i hafta go!

     

  • At 5:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Do not worry little ones! Mrs. Worth, she hired me to cook that repast, featuring the horse dish. I am using chicken instead, because Mrs. Worth will not know the difference. I save a horse's life and also have more money (chicken is cheaper).

     

  • At 5:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, girls, Mrs. Worth has a way of making her "help" feel very, very small. Like we are trash or something. And I think eating horse meat is a little bit sick anyway. I had already planned to do the chicken substitution before I learned that you young ladies will be joining her for dinner. But if it helps you out, that is great.

     

  • At 5:42 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Something happened to me this afternoon. I am very upset about it, and I need to talk to my bud. Here’s what happened.

    Your uncle Ralph and I went to work putting in the lights at that new nightclub “The Gig,” as we have for the last 2 days. When we got there, I saw Kortney Krelbutz in an argument with Mr. Shackelford, the owner of the club. Mr. Shackelford was apparently upset about something Kortney did with some underage boys. I tried not to listen, but they were pretty loud.

    After awhile, a portly man with short brown hair and glasses came in accompanied by 2 really big guys. He went up to Mr. Shackelford and started talking business stuff. While they were talking, the 2 big guys started talking to Kortney. Ralph and I were busy installing some blinking colored lights around the stage, when we heard Kortney shrieking. The 2 big guys were putting their hands on her in places where you don’t put your hands on a woman, even if she is a pole-dancer. The guy with Mr. Shackelford yelled at them, “Keep it down. We’re talking business.” Then, one of the guys put his hand over Kortney’s mouth.

    I must have been getting upset, because I remember Ralph saying to me, “Calm down Howard. It’s not our business. We’re here to put in lights.” So, I started telling myself, “It’s not my business. It’s not my business.” Then I sort of blacked out.

    The next thing I remember was your uncle Ralph standing in front of me saying, “Stop Howard. They’re done.” My hands felt like I had been hitting them against a concrete wall, and my face was really sore. I stumbled over something, and when I looked down it was those 2 guys. Ralph said, “Howard…I never knew you could fight!” Then Kortney said, “I guess this is the first time he had something worth fighting for!” I was overwhelmed by a sense of déjà vu and Ralph took me to the bathroom to clean up. While we were there, the guy that had been talking to Mr. Shackelford came in and said, “I understand you’re Howard. My name is Gordon Mayes. You may have heard of me?” I said that I had. He continued, “I liked what I saw out there. I could always use a man handy with his fists, so I want to offer you a job. Would you like to be one of Gordon’s Guerrillas? Would you like to kiss the pinky ring?” I told him I don’t do that kind of work any more. So, Mr. Mayes said, “I see you like to defend the ladies. There is a lady in a little community called Mtigwaki that needs defending.” I said, “I already turned down that job.” Then Mr. Mayes gets an odd look on his face and says, “You’re that Howard.” He gets quiet for a minute and says, “You’re in big trouble Howard; but I can make that all go away.” I told him I didn’t need his help. So, then Mr. Mayes turned to leave and said, “Well, I’ll see what I can do to convince you. See you later, Howard.”

    When Ralph and I got out of the bathroom, the 2 big guys were gone. So we went back to work, but it was hard to concentrate with my hands hurting like they were. When I got home, I found that someone had broken into my apartment. I was looking around to figure out what was stolen and when I went into my bedroom, there was Kortney, in my bed, wearing nothing but a big smile. She said, “I knew my tongue had converted you Howard. Let me give my big hero a big wet thank you.” I ran to the study, where I have my computer, locked the door and started this post. You’re my bud, so maybe you know what to do. She is still outside knocking on the door, and saying all these crazy things to me.

    Desperate,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 6:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry, becks, i finished altering my dress xactly as u told me. i found one of liz's schoolmarm outfits she just got back from the cleaners (sorry liz) & i look just like a mini-middle-aged person. it shd b perfect. i'm on my way 2 yr house now.

     

  • At 7:38 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I am posting so you won’t worry about me. You won’t see me at your house. I am going out on a date with none other than Kortney Krelbutz. This will sound confusing, so let me explain.

    You had suggested I go out the window of my study to your house. What you could not realize is that I have a third-floor apartment. Apparently, I made so much noise opening the window and preparing to jump out, that Kortney heard me and started yelling, “Don’t jump. You’ll hurt yourself. I’ll leave you alone if you don’t jump.” I agreed not to jump, and I could hear Kortney moving around putting her clothes back on. When it got quiet, I opened the door to find Kortney sitting there. Fortunately she was dressed.

    I said, “Did Gordon Mayes send you?” She shook her head no. I said, “Did Mr. Shakleford send you?” She looked confused, and said, “Who?” I responded, “Mr. Shakleford, the guy who owns ‘The Gig.’ You were arguing with him this morning.” Kortney said, “That’s not Mr. Shakleford. That’s Frank, the manager, and he didn’t send me either. I came on my own. I have never had anyone stand up for me like you did today, Howard Kelpfroth, and wanted to thank you properly. I just picked the wrong kind of thank you is all. Let me take you out to dinner. My treat.” I looked a little hesitant and Kortney said, “I promise to keep my clothes on and keep my tongue to myself. Come on Howard; let me give you some kind of thank you.” She looked all pitiful and I was getting hungry, so I said OK.

    When I get back, I’ll let know how it went, and you can tell me all about yours and April’s visit with Mary Worth.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 8:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My dewy young violet and all her friends,

    It certainly sounds like you had a marvelous time at the opera. I'm sure that Duncan and I would both like to attend one of the encore presentations.

    You know Becky, you are very lucky to have a job with the incomparable Mrs. Worth. She is one of my grandfather's nearest and dearest friends, and she actually helped advise me on ways to woo my sweet little chocolate chip April, one afternoon over mint juleps.

    And don't worry about getting sick at Charterstone. I became very lightheaded during that conversation--I think that lousy French cook spiked those nice mint drinks with wine!--and I had occasion to vomit upon the centerpiece, a lovely floral arrangement in which two crystal swans were nestled. Mrs. Worth was exceedingly gracious about the whole fiasco.

    I look forward to hearing all about your dinner with her, my exquisite dainty china doll.

    Forever your devoted lover and future husband, Gerald

     

  • At 10:48 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Wow. I am sorry April got sick and you two ended up having to clean up things. But Becky, I am so impressed with how you handled Mary Worth. I wonder if there is anything my bud cannot do. My story about “Dinner with Kortney” is not nearly as eventful or entertaining as yours.

    Kortney took me to a pretty ritzy restaurant for dinner. We ordered and while we were waiting for our food, we had a nice but kind of awkward conversation. Kortney never seemed to look away from my eyes and she laughed a little too hard at my jokes. It had been such a long time since I had been out with a woman; I kind of forgot how different it is from being with guys.

    There were 2 ladies in the booth next to ours, and for some reason one of them started talking louder and louder, as if she wanted to be heard. “When I buy that store, you are definitely going to have a job there. I have worked with bad, even evil and despicable employees, and so I know a good one when I see one. It’s so nice to work with someone who is such a good and honest worker.” The lady seemed to punctuate every one of her compliments with a little bite to her voice, and I turned my head to see what was going on. I immediately recognized the older lady from Lilliput’s book store and my old girlfriend Bea. Inwardly I cursed at the irony.

    “Oh hello Kortney. I didn’t see you there,” said the lady as she walked over to Kortney. “This is Beatrice Alfarero. You don’t know her, but she is the person who replaced you. I understand that you have been working some interesting positions since you left Lilliput’s. I am so glad that you have found employment that fits your background and training.” Kortney turned to me and said, “Moira Kinney. This is my boyfriend, Howard Kelpfroth. He beats up people who bother me.” The older lady, Moira, said, “Well I see that you are still just as rude as ever!” and she turned to leave. Bea was still standing there, looking pale as a sheet. She gasped and hurried after Moira. Kortney looked puzzled and asked, “What was that about?” I responded, “Back before I knew who I was, Bea was my old girlfriend. She broke up with me a long time ago. By the by, please don’t introduce me as your boyfriend.”

    Just in the nick of time, the food came. I took a bite into my steak, and a sharp pain seared through my mouth. Kortney took at look and said, “Howard, your gums are all red and swollen, probably from the fight today. I think you are going to need a dentist.” From out of nowhere, a man in glasses appeared at the side of our table and said, “Did I hear someone say they needed a dentist? Dr. John Patterson DDS at your service. Here’s my card. Just call my secretary Jean, and I am sure she can work you in tomorrow.” My eyes followed him as he went back to his table, where I saw Elly Patterson. He was saying to her, “Elly, honey. It’s business. I have to fill the spaces, or Everett will have all the patients.” He was kind of strange, but enthusiastic. I hope April’s dad is a good dentist.

    I ended up having coq au vin and chocolate mousse to go easier on my mouth. When we got back to my apartment, Kortney asked if she could come in, but I told her I had to drive to Toronto for my second job. I thanked her for dinner and Kortney gave me a really, tight, needy sort of hug and said, “If you ever do get converted, I would like to be your girlfriend.” That’s how the date ended. Like I said, your story is quite a bit more exciting than mine.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 12:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My honey-toasted almond of love,

    I am so sorry to hear that you too became ill and vomited upon Mrs. Worth's swans. I believe they must have nausea-attracting properties. I hope that she is more forgiving toward you than she was toward me. If you will recall, Mrs. Worth ruined my good name in this town, and I was forced to change my name from Gerald Delaney to Gerald Forsythe* in order to hide from the shame of it all.

    Your devoted husband-to-be, Gerald

    *Some have expressed surprise that I did not take that opportunity to change my first name from "Gerald" to something less...well..."geriatric." The reason for that is that I know how much you love moaning the name "Gerald" when we are in amour's passionate embrace.

     

  • At 12:27 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I'm glad you recommend Doctor Patterson. That makes me feel a lot better about him. I talked to your uncle Ralph, who says that our union has dental coverage, and I can have tomorrow off for my dental appointment.

    I don't know who this "morsel" is, but I am guessing he's another dentist in the practise. My nerves must be shot after all that happened today. The thought of a hot doctor is not getting me going, for some reason. It used to always work when I watched my soaps.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

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