April's Real Blog

Friday, August 26, 2005


OK, I may only B 14, but I know "prairie" doesn't come from "prayer", it comes from the Old French praierie, via Vulgar Latin prataria, by way of the Latin prata, meadow. Duh! But sometimes I ask these stupid questions just 2 see what ppl will say. Laura thinks she's so smart, but I swear, a couple of days ago, she swore that the urban legend about For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge is true, and Becky & I have known the truth abt that one since we looked up our fave bad words in the O.E.D. back in grade 4.

I'm not trying 2 say that the scenery wasn't all gorg. & everything, cuz it totally was. But I'd already done the "Oh, my God, this is so beautiful" thing the last 10-12 x we went riding. It's very pretty, peeps, but that gets 2 B a dull convo, U know?

NEway, Ger & I had a long, long talk on the phone. He was crying & asked me not 2 kiss Steve again. I said I wdn't. For one thing, I only did it cuz I felt like Ger almost pushed me 2. Besides, Steve lives all the way out here in Winni, & I do need 2 get on w/my M-boro life soon. I do miss my bf, peeps, even if he does overdo the "smooth" thing.

Apes, not in Winni much longer!


  • At 8:11 AM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…


    Since you're so into spirituality these days, let me just say "God Bless Elly Patterson." She stopped by the hospital today and brought my laptop, so I can finally start getting caught up. These pain meds are making me all whoozy and I need a break from shuffling cashola and your url is easy to remember.

    Good thing I'm stuck in a hospital bed because there's so much to do. Lawrence just got in a new shipment of "South American Exotics" and I have to arrange distribution funding. Then there's the all the money for parts (plus new odometers) and labor for the non-conventional storage modifications to the "q-list" trucks that has to look like fleet sales upgrades. Then there's a backlog of cash to go into the restaurant; I'm glad no one's noticed that a diner with cobwebs over the fryer and a non-functioning orange juice dispenser is making C$750,000 a year. Not busy enough, Anthony? Gordo says "The Roadside," his strip joint/gentleman's club/entertainment lounge out on 12 is doing so well he wants to open another one ("The Gig") and you wouldn't believe the paperwork and "supplemental permissions." Everyone in this feckin' town (pardon my French, April) has a hand out. Mibor is so dirty a tornado wouldn't clean it.

    Oh, your Mom was really chipper this morning, something about some kind of results (another clean mammogram?) so that's some good news for ya anyway. Having trouble typing now maybe they screwed up my dosage again gotta log off and get some shuteye.

  • At 8:13 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My dainty little sugar plum,*

    I'm truly glad you decided to come back to me. I promise to strive to be the best boyfriend I can be.

    When you get home, we should celebrate. I will think of something special that combines old-fashioned romance and typical teenaged fun.

    After all, compromise is the soul of a beautiful life-long relationship.

    Your devoted lover, Gerald

    *I'm psyched that you said I could keep doing these little endearments! They're my fave.

  • At 8:16 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Perhaps Mrs. Patterson's chipper mood is the result of learning that my incomparable darling sweetums and I are back together forever?


  • At 8:41 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i'm glad we r 2gether, but pls keep yr "endearments" 4 when we r face-2-face! y'know, um, 2 keep 'em more "special".

    becks, i didn't get 2 respond 2 yr posts last nite. soundz like u had such a scary nite! when i'm back we r gonna go 2 the mall & do some totally girly mindless stuff. shopping, bad food, movies, trashy mags, & everything. i'm glad brad l. helped w/yr mom & that she keeps her promise 2 u.

    howard, i m so sorry 2 hear about losing yr job & getting kicked out of that opera. becks & i will totally c what we can think of 2 help u out.

    duncan, i'm so glad u r done w/reading to the olds. hope the court date goes ok. becky, that's really cube of u 2 help out.

    peeps, anthony sez mom seemed happy abt something going well. i kno she had a mamm-gram last yr, so i doubt it's that. besides, even when that goes well, she spends the day grumbling abt how much her boobs hurt fr. being squooshed in the machine. so now i'm worried abt what she must b up 2. ne1 got ne cluez?

  • At 8:54 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    so gordo is a crook i can't say i'm surprised since he's one of mike's many shady friends. apes why does ur mom think he's so perfect again? i can never remember what her stupid reasons r. god an' she thinks i'm so terrible.

    it cracks me up when u pull that dorky shit on ur relatives. they're such big foobs it's like ur trying 2 convince them you're just like them so they won't catch on that ur not one of their little patterson clones. sometimes u really rock, apes! 4 some reason nothing makes me laugh as hard as someone tricking ur stupid mom.

    i remember that dictionary thing that wuz good times! remember how ur mom caught us an' started screeching about me teaching u cuss words when it wuz really mike who did it. he wuz kinda kewl when he wuz in college why did he turn in2 such a total foob? maybe cuz he married deanna an' she's just like ur mom, only not ugly (tho her fish lips r freaky 2 bad merry inherited them huh?).

    speaking of ugly ur sis showed me a pic of ur dead grandma the other day (wish i knew how 2 link 2 it) an' man i can see where ur mom gets her "unfortunate" looks frum! if this is any hint ur mom is gonna get super ugly as she gets older. that pic actually scared me i jumped out of my seat a little! i m real worried 4 u an' liz cuz liz showed me pics of ur mom when she wuz younger an' she was no babe but she wuz kinda pretty she looked a little like liz only plain. i hope u guys don't turn super ug when u get old! oh well by then we will prolly b able 2 get plastic surgery in 5 minutes no big deal like fast food or something. especially since ur mom's nose has also grown like 5x as big over the years that wld be bad.

    altho who knows about u apes u don't look like neone in ur family. sometimes i wonder if ur mom had a secret affair with the mailman or something. (like, who has brown hair?) u weren't that cute when u were a little kid (maybe it wuz the bowl cut?) but now i think ur pretty cute. sorry i gave u that low score on looks i was being a real bitch that day. i had my period an' i was really raggin' that whole week actually. what can i say, sometimes i am just like a stereotypical nasty teenager. sorry u have 2 put up with that.

    as for dunc i don't know i m just not as mad as i was. he has some good qualities 2 but i don't know if we can be good friends nemore. he spreads rumors about me an' pervs on me an' i just need some time away frum him. good thing i'm outta the band huh?

    neway i called uncle ralph an' uncle mark bright an' early an' uncle ralph sed that howard should call him 2 schedule a job interview asap. the number is 232-6463. my uncle sed he cldn't promise nething but that he'd see what he could do. he especially liked the idea of sticking it 2 lawrence by hiring u cuz he does the electric work out at lawrence's place (they're all part of the GLBTU small business club) an' he thinks it wld be way funny 2 take u with him when he goes out there 2 upgrade the wiring next month. that is if u seem like u wld be a good apprentice 4 him. he also sed 2 tell u that if u get hired he can get u in the union which means good benefits. i think that's a good sign don't u?

    back 2 ur mom apes i bet she has some other plan 4 hooking liz up with anthony. that's my guess.

    well i'm stuck home 2day nursing mom she has a nasty shiner. i poured all her booze down the sink this morning an' i'm not sure what will happen when she finds out.

    i wanted 2 put this last apes cuz i know this is a super-long post an' i don't want it 2 get lost. u know i don't like ger. i think u r 2 good 4 him. an' he is an ass 2 me. but if ur all hot 4 his bod, i will do my best not 2 let it come between us. i hope u will ask ger 2 do the same cuz i get the feeling he would like 2 convince u 2 dump me.

    ok that's it 4 now mom's hollering 4 more percocet.

    ttfn, becks

  • At 9:12 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    I woke up about 4am from a horrible nightmare. I dreamed that mom was happily planning a double wedding to take place in about a year. I was in cold sweats when I woke up. I was all shaky and felt so sick to my stomach that I spent a good hour curled up on the floor by the toilet.

    April the way things are going it doesn't look like we're going to get to spend much more time together before I head back to Mtig. I some how wonder if your vacation wasn't so much of a conspiracy to cool things off with you and Gerald, but to keep you and I apart. After all we are not perfect Patterson droans like a certain alliterater who won't be mentioned.

    Mom was kinda in a terrific mood. I don't know why. I was just happy she was pretty much leaving me alone. She kept smiling at me though and it creeped me out.

    Howard, Dennis says as long as you're on the up and up he can work things out for you with Larry and Nick. But if you're not, he'll make sure you pay.

  • At 9:16 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    man liz i can totally see why that would make u puke. super scary! i bet ur mom would probably flip out so much over a double wedding that she'd give herself a stroke. hey maybe that's not a bad idea!

  • At 9:25 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, g'ma carrie was a total ug, i'd 4gotten how bad she looked. esp. with her hair up in that super-hi bun. ew. yeah, i worry abt. getting ug like that when i'm older, but there's a saying that u get the face that u deserve when u get older. mayB ma & g'ma just got ug fr. being so mean & meddly. if i act better than that, mayB i'll have a nicer face.

    oh, i don't know abt the mailman theory, but i remember a long time ago, dad had an argument w/unk phil abt how being a pro. musician was no way 2 live & fam. was most imp. phil ended up saying sumthin abt. "i'm surprised u were able 2 knock up my sis 2 have april, cuz i thought u'd been shooting blanx 4 yrs."

    yeah, i remember when mike wrote up the "comprehensive list of obscene language" for us 2 look up, back when he was in uni. he was def. cooler back then. i'm not sure what happened 2 him.

    & i totally love fooling my fam. in2 thinking i'm just as fooby as they r. they alwayz fall 4 it!

    i gave ger a smackdown abt sayin' ne-thing bad abt u. i think he got it. oh, ger, if dunc is rite & u went shopping for "protection" @ the drugstore, then 4get it. i'm just not readE for that yet. esp. if u bought them fr. dee. 4 all we know, she coulda poked holes in them.

    liz, i 4got 2 say. my memory is a little fuzzy, but i don't think i pooped in mr. b's kitty litter. i think what happened was i wanted to see if the litter really clumped when it got wet, so i dumped a whole bunch into the toilet. it formed a giant mass of clumped stuff, & mom flipped. i think she made u clean it out cuz she said i was 2 little 2 do it myself. what really hits me abt my memories fr. that time is how anthony act. looked like he was an actual teenager.


  • At 9:29 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, & another thing, ger, we r waaaayyyyy 2 young 2 even think about marriage. whenever my mom starts talking abt stuff like that, just stare at her potato nose, nod a bit, and let some 4evah songs go thru yr head. she won't know the diff.

  • At 9:36 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg yeah don't use rubbers u buy frum dee. she thinks the only reason 2 have sex is 4 babies. u know my sis marjee got mysteriously preggers after she bought birth control frum dee an' she wuz using 2 kinds so it was pretty unlikely unless it wuz defective. (she is gonna b pissed when she reads this here but i think it's important 2 get the word out abt dee 2 my pals.)

    actually i think it wld be kewl if u did it with ger. marjee sed that every1 in high school is doing it h.s. is like one big steaming cauldron of sex she sed. i cracked up at that. u cld just use him 4 sex like on that sex an' the city show with that horseface sarah jessica parker. then again i think u shld get a more experienced guy ger prolly won't know how to do it good. as 4 me i have decided 2 wait til i'm more mature like 16 i figure by then i will know whether a guy is using me 4 sex or not.

    thanks 4 telling ger 2 cut it out cuz he really bugs me.

    im confused liz sed ur mom's mom wuz gma marian--? m i all wrong? i m bad with names.

    ttfn, becks

  • At 9:43 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oops, u r rite. i had gma carrie in my head cuz i've just spent so much time with her & she made so much stink abt how much better she is than marian. but yeah, gma marian was the uggo.

    i think i'll wait till i'm 16, 2. sorry, ger.

  • At 9:47 AM, Anonymous marjee mahaha said…

    It's ok, Becks. The preg thing is a bit embarrassing, but we should warn people about Deanna P. I didn't know what I was gonna do when I tested + on the preg test, but then it turned out to be ectopic & I had to have surgery. I almost lost a fallopian tube. Thanks, Dee.

  • At 10:18 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    My delectable little fruitcake,

    But sweetheart, writing the little endearments here, where all our friends can see them, is what gives me the most pleasure! Please don't deny me my favorite way of romancing you.

    The only reason I bought the "rubbers*," as Becky so indelicately called them, is because my brother said I should "be prepared." He was a Boy Scout and he believes we should all take their motto to heart. However, I do think that we should go to second base promptly after your return home. This, of course, should take place after a romantic evening of pizza and sparkling grape juice and my favorite romantic movie, "I'd Rather Be Rich," with my favorite actor, Robert Goulet. Sandra Dee reminds me of you, except you have that gorgeous brown ponytail with bangs. I think my favorite part of that movie is how the grandfather helps the matchmaking, just like my grandfather does with me.

    I anxiously await your return. So much so that I just popped a boner.

    Your devoted lover, Gerald

    *I prefer the term "the sheaths of my pleasure sword."

  • At 10:19 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Hypers, the blog has gone wonky again!

  • At 10:26 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i'm starting 2 think u've got a major becky fixation!

    pls no talk abt bonerz & pleasure swords! when i c u, we'll c a movie @ the mall & b 14yo's, k?

  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Holy Mackerel Gerald you are creeping me out! I think you are posting under Becky's name on purpose to start some kind of friction between them. Really.

    Girls, think sex should wait until you are more mature. Don't let the boys (Gerald) take "advantage" of you, and don't do anything before you are absolutely ready. A guy who pressures you doesn't care about you. The first time is special! You are going to have some sort of "deep emotions" for the first one for the rest of your life. Those feelings can cause major complications down the road when you are ready to move on with your life, but "Anthony" keeps calling you back. Consider very carefully and make sure you do it for the right reasons. You can never go back once you've gone forward. And when you do decide it's right, please be careful, there are worse things than pregnancy and many are incurable.

    I think about Anthony a lot and the good times we had. Eric was a jerk. He was pretty to look at and seemed nice in the beginning but then he just was awful. Anthony was always sweet and tender and respectful of me. I knew I could trust him and he wouldn't go bragging to his friends or anyone. I think that if I hadn't decided I needed to go my own way that it's me he could have been married to and I would be the one with the daughter. Then he wouldn't be miserable in a bad marriage, looking like he's waaay over the hill, and I wouldn't be up in Mtig feeling lonley and not sure where my life is headed with only a well dressed cat for company. Life is complicated.

    If Mom saw this blog she really would have a heart attack. And if she survived she's lock April away for the next 4 or 5 years.

  • At 11:35 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, that's why we totally can nev. let mom know about this blog. she has 2 think a blog is a place where ppl post random and often meaningless photos 4 no apparent reason.

    don't let our warped patterson upbringing make u feel guilty abt how anthony's life has turned out. he's a big boy who made his own choicez. he musta known what t. was like when they dated & got engaged, but he married her ne-way. then he pushed her in2 having a baby when she didn't want 2.

    u r finding yr own way up in mtigyadayadaheyhey. remember that gr8 feeling u get when u r teaching & u can see fr. the kid'z eyes that they totally get what u r telling them. u 1ce told me that the feeling is like nuthin' else. besidez, no1 sez u hafta stay up north 4 the rest of yr life. if u want 2, u can alwayz use yr teaching exp. somewhere else.

  • At 12:10 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    apes u totally just cracked me up with that comment about ur fake blog! so true it is totally meaningless and lame like the kind of blog a kinnygartener would have.

    liz, so u r saying u did screw eric? (yea yeah i know u hate that word so just mentally insert "make luv" ok cuz i happen 2 hate that expression as much as u hate "screw." don't be such an elly patterson!) also, r u saying u had sex with anthony? (there is that better?) what about warren? did u do it with him too? what about dennis? he seemed 2 have the hotts 4 u even tho he wuz gay mayb u 2 experimented a little--? u can tell us we shld talk about this stuff just like on sex an' the city (i so luv that show!). we can learn frum each other.

    i still say u cld prolly screw anthony back 2 youth an' vigor it sure sounds like he's be up 4 it! (ha ha i made a patterson play on words! "up 4 it!" wow ur mom would spazz if she knew some1 used her "funny" word play in a dirty way.) neway, u could think of it like being a doctor treating a patient. isn't it mean 2 withhold a cure 4 old age frum anthony? plus it sounds like u have a lot of experience in giving this "cure"!

    ok i don't wanna piss liz off again but i just can't help it she has the kewlest love life of anyone on this blog. sad huh?

    oh an' gerald while i usually like sex talk it is just putrid coming frum u.


  • At 12:14 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My luscious little lemon drop,

    I hate to tell you this, but "popping a boner" is a normal 14 year old thing to do. At least for guys. And it happens a lot when they're doing things with the woman they are in love with, like I am with you. Haven't you ever noticed the little tent in the front of my pants whenever I'm around you?

    Liz, I doubt you really and truly find the idea of a boner creepy, since you are the most roadside girl on this blog.

    Sincerely and devotedly April's forever, Gerald

  • At 12:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i know it's normal 4 boyz 2 have that happen. just pls don't talk abt it! i tried 2 pretend i didn't notice the "tent".

    lol, becks, sumtimez i go out of my way 2 make that fake blog as random as poss. it seemz that the more random it is, the more mom luvs it. so weird.

    ger, don't u dare insult my sis. that's not ne better than harshing on my buds, k?


  • At 12:36 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    A lady does not talk overtly about her sex life Becky. Really! must you be so crude.

    Yes I had relations with Eric. I lived with him for goodness sake. Yeah I know I had a separate bedroom but that was more for Mom than anyone else. Eric and I were in a long term committed relationship. It wasn't casual so not roadside.

    The same for Anthony. We'd been together a very long time and were both past the age of consent. We were in a long term committed relationship. It wasn't casual so not roadside.

    I am not going to do anything with a married man. That would be roadside, unless he was married to me. If Anthony wants healing of that nature he's gonna have to not be married anymore. But just because he's not married doesn't mean he'll get it, I'm just saying I wouldn't carry on with a married man.

    Warren and I have not had a long term committed relationship there for we have not had any committments with each other. If I did. That would be roadside.

    Got that Ger? And keep your boner to yourself kid, no one here wants to see it.

  • At 12:44 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes, gr8 day! The judge threw out my charges 'cos Officer Luggsworth violated my charter rights. The judge yelled an' yelled @ Lug 'til his face went all purple. Then the judge said something 2 me but I dont no what 'cos I had an allergy attack an' my eyes were watering 2 much 2 listen. My lawyer told my 'rents 2 sue Lug an' the Mboro police but my 'rents say no way 'cos they dont want 2 b pulled over every day an' b given bogus tickets. So my lawyer said 2 come an' c him when Im 18 an' I can sue them myself an' I dont care if they h8 me 'cos Ill be living in TO neway. So I dont hafta go live in a group home 4 young offenders an' go 2 a special young offender school an' Ill get a lot of $ someday after I sue. My lawyer is so cube! My 'rents arent cube, tho. They say I hafta write letters of apology. My lawyer said ok after he argued with my 'rents, but he says I hafta use his "template." Here it is:

    Dear Ms./Mrs./Miss/Ms/Mme/Mlle Whoever:

    On a strictly without prejudice basis, and without admitting but expressly denying any liability for any cause or causes of action that you have, may have, may have had, or may in future have against me, I regret any inconvenience that I caused or may have caused you, whether intentionally (which is not admitted but expressly denied,) or unintentionally.

    ****** This is where I hafta personalize the letter.

    Yours very truly,
    Duncan Anderson

    My mom says I hafta do 1 every day 'til Im done. I guess Ill do Beckers 1st. B back l8r.

  • At 12:46 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    April! I totally forgot to remind you. Today is Mom's birthday. If you forget she's never ever ever going to let you live it down.

    Dad has some pretty spiffed out gifts and is taking her out to dinner and a movie tonight. I ordered a cake at the bakery, but am not sure how I am going to get it home on my Bike. I got her a new shirt and a necklace. I'll put your name on it unless you have a gift hidden around the somewhere.

  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, i m so glad court went well 4 u. now u can put this all behind u & start school fresh. yay!

  • At 12:54 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Here's Beckers letter, Apes, let me no what u think:

    Dear Ms./Mrs./Miss/Ms/Mme/Mlle Rebecca McGuire:

    On a strictly without prejudice basis, and without admitting but expressly denying any liability for any cause or causes of action that you have, may have, may have had, or may in future have against me, I regret any inconvenience that I caused or may have caused you, whether intentionally (which is not admitted but expressly denied,) or unintentionally.

    Beckers, when MC DunC wins like 20 MuchMusic awards an' his man Jay-Z flies his private jet 2 TO an' wants the last ticket 2 MC's award party MC will hafta say no way 'cos MC has 2 give it 2 Beckers who is 1 of MC's peeps.

    Yours very truly,
    Duncan Anderson

    P.S. Beckers, Im MC DunC if u didnt guess.

  • At 12:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, liz, u totally saved my butt! yeah, i've got a prezzie hidden away in the lockbox dad keeps behind his train stay. lock combo is the name of your old teddy bear that mike tried 2 flsh down the toilet.

    mom's b-day is such an ordeal every year. she pretends she doesn't want ne1 2 make a big fuss, but then if u don't she pouts & keeps whinging about how no1 cares about her. ugh.

  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, u shd prolly show that 2 yr lawyer cuz he mite want u 2 keep a more "formal" tone thru yr letter. but still, that's a nice thing 2 say 2 becks.

  • At 1:06 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    whoa liz u r the sluttiest girl i know! even marjee has only done it with 2 guys maynard an' some dude she met at a powwow. hey did u ever pick up guys at a powwow? i bet u did u prolly wouldn't go a whole year in Mtigwhatever w/o sex. ur so kewl! i didn't know u did it with anthony wow. i bet ur mom has no idea about that! man u shld tell her it cld give her a heart attack! an' u were totally roadside with warren that rocks he wuz hott! girl u r CUBE!!! i would of thought u wld be the total frigid little virgin like dee. i have a hole new respect 4 u. so what's ur total number? 5? 10? more then that? wow i guess u r a total horndog, huh? that's ok it's better then being like ur mom. just don't be a ho 2 try 2 get boyz 2 like u cuz i tried that one time an' it totally doesn't work. is that why u did it with warren? wow if ur gonna do it that much u better not get ur birth control from dee cuz you'll end up preggers in a flash. so i gotta ask wuz anthony any good in the sack? i bet not. he prolly needed viagra he's so decrepit. i bet eric wuz cuz he did it with lots and lots of girls b4 u an' during u (sorry). an' warren wuz a major stud so he's good. have any of the native guys u did it with been any good? i wuz gonna do it with jeff but he didn't seem 2 know what he wuz doing so i made him stop b4 he got 2 home plate.

    oh an' no one cares about being a lady anymore that's way lame an' prolly u heard it wuz important frum ur mother who is a total dumbass foob. these dayz girls talk about sex so they r empowered.

    dunc u little perv u got off 2 ez. but u shld know that if u mess with me again, howard will beat u 2 a pulp. they will have 2 scrape u an' ur grape lip gloss off the sidewalk with a spatula.

    ger is prolly wanking off 2 that post u made about ur many conquests, liz!

    ok gotta go becks

    ps--christ i feel sorry 4 u ur mom is such a demanding bitch on her holidays like mother's day i can't believe how much crap she makes u guys do all i have 2 do 2 make my mom happy is clean my room an' give her a shoebox greetings card with a dirty joke in it.

  • At 1:13 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    I would not "wank" to any posts about Elizabeth's sex life. I think blondes are ugly. I only like brunettes. Besides, Elizabeth is too long in the tooth to be attractive. I don't know how she's getting all those men. She is not delicate and lissome and has not the flowering beauty of my darling April.

    April's future husband, Gerald

    P.S.--I do still want to be your true lover, April, although I am having a hard time understanding what it is that you want from me. First you say I'm acting like an old man. Now you say I am acting too much like a regular 14 year old boy. Why don't you just tell me what you want? And no, I don't want to hear another of Becky's songs.

    P.P.S.--I was not trying to insult your sister. I was merely stating facts. Your sister has had more sex than anyone on here. And, statistically speaking, she's had more sex partners than 99% of Milborough's residents, who typically marry their first love sometime before age 22 and then have a veritable herd of children.

  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i m sorry if i m being confusing. i can't help it. i don't want u to act 80, but i don't want 2 hear about u pitching a tent in yr pants either. can't there b a "happy medium"?

    it's cube that u say nice things abt the way i look, but pls don't say mean things abt my sister's looks. they r just not true!

  • At 1:26 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My precious jewel-encrusted trinket,

    I can't help my own personal tastes. I'm sure that, objectively speaking, blondes are not ugly. But as far as I am concerned, they are all ugly old hags in my eyes. I'm sorry that this condemns your best friend and entire family to hagdom, but there's nothing I can do.

    Explain to me please the happy medium. I have been trying to be that for you, my little Barbie doll, but clearly I am failing. Fortunately, you are hot for my bod, and that will keep our passion alive while we work out the minor problem of you hating my personality.

    Sincerely and forever your lover, Gerald

    P.S.--And do not doubt that I find you totally smokin'. You look just like Katie Holmes, only sexier. I would jump up and down on a couch if I thought it would win you over, but I bet you would hate that too.

  • At 1:29 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Oh Puleeze Becky. I'm not sleezy like that and you know it. Don't go trying to make it sound like I said something I didn't.

    Anthony and I did but we were in a long term relationship that thought it was going to end in marriage. It didn't. Then I thought Eric was the one, but he turned out to be a lying cheating jerk. I've done nothing with Warren or anyone else. I have kept my self chaste and pure since I ended things with Eric.

    All that said, I am not going to further discuss the little details of my love life on my underaged little sister's blog.

    Oh and Dee isn't that virginal. I will sumbit the name of one Dr. Kevin Smyth Yeah I know Dee says he's "married" to June, but not in the traditional sense and well Dee has known Dr. Smyth a little longer than "Mrs. Smyth". Ok Dee's probably going to kill me for that, but I just want it to be known that people M.boro are not as staid as you all think. Only the Elly Pattersons...and Aunt Bev has some stories about her!

  • At 1:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, if i h8ed yr personality, we wdn't even b having this convo! u know that! u r just a bit freaked out cuz we've been apart 4 so long. don't worry, everything will be cube when we see each other.

    liz is rite, aunt bev has some wild stories about our mom. there was 1 that i totally wasn't supposed 2 hear. she & unk danny were chatting when they thought i was asleep & aunt bev was remembering that when dad 1st met mom, he was nervous about "pleasing" her b/c she was, erm, "experienced". not that i even wanna think abt that!

  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am sorry your mom is not doing well. If it’s OK with her, I can come over and do some cooking for you. I really owe you for hooking me up with your uncle Ralph. I just finished my job interview with him. I am now an employed electrician’s apprentice. Your uncle fronted the union dues for me and said he would take it out of my salary a little at a time. I also got to meet your “uncle” Mark, who was in the office at the time. I can see what your uncle Ralph likes in him. He has a startling resemblance to a young Peter Falk, except without the glass eye. Ralph really wants to take me to work over at Lawrence’s place, but I told him I would rather not go over there just yet. My boyfriend, I should say newly ex-boyfriend Ross works over there. We broke up last night. I should probably tell you that story.

    Last night I went with Ross to the "The Iron Bar" which is, as you know, a club for persons of my orientation. I was going there to see if they had an opening for a bouncer position. Plus I was going to explain to Ross about how I got fired. So, we’re driving over there and I am telling my story to Ross, and he just starts getting madder and madder. He kept telling me that I was stupid to be listening to some 14-year-old girls, who didn’t know anything about how this town is run and how I was stupid to be turning down all that money.

    When we get to the club, he jumps out of the car and yells at me that he never wants to see me again. Well, I am pretty upset about this and so I start to head into the club after him. But the owner of the club comes up to me and says, “Howard. I’m sorry, but we don’t want you around here. You need to go home and not come back.” But I keep on trying to get in so I can talk to Ross.

    So then I see Dennis coming up, and I say to Dennis, “Will you talk to this guy? He won’t let me in for some reason.” Then Dennis hauls off, pops me across the face hard, and says, “That was for Elizabeth.” Then he kicks me a couple of times and walks off. Normally, if someone does that to me, I don’t let it go until some ribs are broken that aren’t mine. But, considering what I did to Elizabeth, I figured I deserved it. So I just went home.

    Anyway, I did not look very pretty at the job interview, but your uncle hired me anyway. We’re supposed to do some electrical work at a place called Lilliput's later day. I’ll let you know how it goes.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:08 PM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…

    For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, April, please remove my first post to your blog from today. Seriously. I was doped up and didn't know what I was writing, I must have been fantasizing or something. What I wrote was just not true.

    Gordon got where he is because he's "one in a million" and really really worked hard to turn a junkheap of a gas station into one of the largest luxury car dealerships in Ontario. He runs the Milborough Legitimate Businessman's Association and is in the Rotary. He doesn't own "The Roadside" nor does he want to open a place called "The Gig"; for the record those are owned by a Mr. Rusty Shakleford of Brampton.

    I'm supposed to have a sit down with Gord after my hip heals and I don't want any misunderstandings that might lead to my head getting pounded into a pulp while it's held down the garage toilet. Also, the green-velvet mafia says it's my ass if I don't get that post removed.

    Please, April, hurry!

  • At 3:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry, anthony, i tried 2 remove yr post, but there must b sum kinda glitch, cuz i wasn't able 2 do it. it mite have sumthing 2 do w/the way u coded it, but i'm not ne kind of an xpert abt these thingz.

  • At 3:24 PM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…

    ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit...can't you call that Jason Fox kid or someone. Seems like he knows computers. Seriously, April, that post is an embarrassment to Mr. Mayes and Ol' Gord hates being embarrassed though he is one in a million and a very understanding employer who arranged for me to work from home and collect my family leave and I don't want to have to move to some jungle or something because I don't dare show my face around here.

  • At 3:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, i don't have a phone # 4 jason. if he sees these comments, i'm sure he will leave a response.

    howard, i'm shocked 2 hear what happened 2 u. liz, have u heard ne-thing about all this?

  • At 4:25 PM, Anonymous Jason said…

    April I am not sure what problem you are having deleting the comments for AnthDad2FranMilboro. He seems sorta desperate. I think considering the circumstances you should do all you can to get rid of it like he askes. The guys he's in league with sound like trouble. They sound like the kinda people who would let your Mom in on your secret blog.

    So, like under the time stamp on AnthDad2FranMilboro's post do you see the trash can? If you do you can just click on that. If you can't see the trash can and you're logged into your account then you prolly have a chaching issue with your browser. Clear your cache then refresh your browser a few times. If that doesn't work try doing it from a differnt browser, like Foxfire as opposed to IE. Also it could be the firewall or Anti-virus program on your computer. Disable them temporarily and see if you can delete your comments then. Otherwise try going over to Becky's house and use her computer to access your blog. You can come over to my house too but that would be a last resort. Let me know how it works out.

  • At 4:29 PM, Anonymous Jason said…

    AnthDad2FranMilboro I also suggest you open up a free account with blogger. Your last comments won't apply but you'd be able to erase any of the comments you've made at any blog on Blogger. So that gives you a little control if your on drugs again and spill beans about things people don't want known. I'd hate to see you fitted with cement boots. Though, I get the feeling no one else here would mind seeing that happen.

  • At 4:43 PM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…

    Thanks Jason but Mr. Mayes said it's okay and he's going to talk to me tomorrow. I was pretty scared for a while because someone at the landscaping store has my wedding ring and they said they'd send it back to my wife with something in it that wasn't my ring finger.

    I wonder who told Gordon about this blog? I suspect it was Mz. Putain-Glacee.

  • At 5:02 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Anthony. I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. I know things are really complicated for you. As soon as I read your panicked request I called Gordon and had "a little talk" with him.

    April, all I told Dennis was what happened. I told him about the stalking and the attack and that Howard has been coming to your blog and befriending people. I told him that Howard seemed like a truly naive and innocent guy an about the story he's been telling here. Dennis has no motive. He does not want to see me with Anthony. He told me that he would do some investigation into Howard. I haven't heard from him since, but he must have found out something about the sitch that we don't know.

  • At 5:16 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ooooookay liz seriously u hinted in ur other post that u did it with warren an' that mayb u went roadside sometimes. i don't wanna fight with u cuz of poor apes but u know it's uncool 2 start 2 make revelations an' then back off an' deny them. also, u never sed whether anthony was smokin' in the sack. telling us that wld help us tell u whether u shld marry him or not. (an' you know that old maid patterson part of u really wants 2!)

    i think ur relatives r just having fun with u abt ur mom having lots of sex experience cuz of 2 reasons: 1. she hates sex an' 2. she is ugly an' 3. she's a mouthy bitch an' no1 can stand 2 be around her oops that's 3. that is prolly their idea of a joke.

    oh crikey an' if u believe those rumors abt dee u r nuts every1 knows she is the most frigid woman in ontario! she is famous 4 it. even mike sez so. she is just like ur mom. an' y would a guy that cube nail naggy ol' dee when he had his pick of honduran hotties?

    what r u 2 trying 2 do make ur family sound less lame then it is?

    i think i've od'ed on pattersons 2day.


    p.s.--howie glad the job worked out but sorry about ur bf. don't worry u will find someone better ross sounds like he wuz using u.

  • At 5:18 PM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…

    Thanks Liz. Gordon really likes you, he and I talk about the "good old days" a lot and you always remind him of being a kid.

  • At 5:24 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My lubricious little sylph,

    I can't wait until you come home. I'm sure we can work out all our problems in love's sweet embrace. I will lay you down beside the fireplace at my parents' house (ok, so it's a wood-burning stove) and kiss you until your lips are swollen from our lovemaking.*

    I will try not to pop a boner.

    Your fiercely devoted lifelong lover, Gerald

    *I mean this in the old-fashioned sense of courtship and amour, not actual screwing.

  • At 5:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jason, i know about using that little trash can icon cuz i had 2 use it 2 delete a whole buncha comment spam b4 i changed my comment settings. 4 some reason it didn't work w/anthony's comment. instead of getting the screen i usually do when i do a "delete" (where you can check a box 2 delete permanently), i got a special screen that said "you are not authorized to perform this function." weird cuz i've nev had this happen w/ne other comment i tried to delete. i tried all yr other suggestions, but they didn't work.

    but ne-way, anthony, ppl wd still b able 2 find yr old post on google.


  • At 5:52 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Becky, for all the worldliness you think you have, you are naive.

    It has been my experience that many people who were incredibly wild in their youth turn into judgmental, prudish hags. Look at Madonna for example. She was once the wildest woman in the world, and now she's a prim and proper "English woman". Granted she kissed Britney and Christina a few years ago, but she still has that air of prudishness to her. Mom is extremely judgmental and feels having "been there" that she has every single right to judge. She feels entitled to be mean to those who she feels are making bad decisions because she wishes she had made better ones herself and loathes herself for it. Now she feels like she lives a virtuous life, thus making her much better than others. Uncle Phil once showed me a picture of Mom in what he termed as her hipper days. It was of her "kissing" Bobby Curtola and she was dressed totally roadside with her hair all hanging down and wild. I guess she was a groupie for a little bit after her grad or something. I don't know the specifics.

    As for Dee you can chose not to believe me if you want, but she's been struck by the Elly disease too. I heard Mom giving her a chat about it awhile before she and Mike got married. Plus she gave me the "how to keep a man" chat. Just wait till you hear that one April.

  • At 6:56 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    listen liz u r deranged an' deluded if u think madonna's new image even comes close 2 the haggy prudishness of ur mom. ne foob can see the difference between the 2.

    also kissing a pic of ur fave star and wearing ur hair down is not the same as being roadside. dang u sure can be dumb sometimes. i guess ur mom has u totally brainwashed.

    also listen if dee wuz really roadside she wld not have kept mike in blue ball hell 4 3 years or however long it took them 2 get married it seemed like an eternity we kept having to hear all about what a precious little virgin she wuz an' how ur mom an' mike thought that wuz just adorable an' how they wished u an' apes could be just like dee instead of making them worry that u'd bang some guy b4 u got married (which i guess u did liz so by the standards u post 4 ur mom being roadside, u must be 2! funny how u twist words an' make up new definitions of words 2 suit ur dumb patterson ideas.) neway weed told carleen who told mrs. dingle who told mrs. p who told connie on a phone call apes overheard that mike wuz having 2 masturbate like 8 times a day so he wldn't explode by the wedding nite.

    i know you all think i m some kind of pervo talking so much about sex but guess what every1 thinks about it like every other minute (i read that in glamour magazine) an' i m just being honest about it u pattersons want 2 act like ur all krazee with the sexing but that ur 2 proper 2 talk about it. well that's bull ur all just way uptite. even apes is all uptite about her bf having a boner which is way normal 4 a boy his age (read it in sassy) an' wtf anyway it's like a huge compliment 2 u apes that he gets it up every time he so much as glances at u at the lockers. wish i had a bf that into me!

    well mom's yelling 4 more vicodin an' i might take 1 2 cuz listening 2 ur patterson double-speak on sex has given me a splitting headache that even excedrin couldn't cure.


  • At 7:32 PM, Anonymous lawrence poirier said…

    It has come to my attention that Howard Kelpfroth has been posting to this blog and saying that I and my business and life partner Nick are responsible for his assault on Elizabeth Patterson. I grew up with Liz’s brother Mike and I want you to know that I would never have anything to do with a scheme to harm Liz, who is one of my closest and dearest friends. Anything Howard Kelpfroth may have posted on this blog about his innocence is a complete and utter fabrication. He has a long history of mental instability and physical violence. Liz was very fortunate that such an able-bodied and upstanding man as Anthony Caine was there to rescue her in the nick of time, or who knows what horrible degradations she may have suffered at Howard’s hands. As soon as Liz has recovered from her assault and is able to press charges, the police will pick up Howard and put him behind bars, where he belongs. Until then, please do not respond to anything Howard posts here. You will only be encouraging his mental delusions.

    Thank you,
    Lawrence Poirier

  • At 7:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u know, i wish i didn't get so embarrassed abt this stuff, becks, but i do. i'm trying 2 over the patterson weirdness, but sum of it is so ingrained it's hard 2 even recognize it. i mean, it's not that i'm upset abt ger having, well, u know what happen. it's talking abt it here that makes me blush. it's cool that u can b open abt this stuff.

  • At 8:14 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Oh get a clue Becky. They talk about one thing but do another. Everyone does it. Dee might have kept Mike "waiting", but that has more to do with getting the ring than anything else. I know it disturbs you to think people are this way but they are. I was using Madonna as an example of how people turn into prudes to try to erase what they might be ashamed of in their past.

    Ok, so you don't want to think of my mom as a wild woman. Even more so I bet it scares you to think that maybe you're a little wild and there is a chance that you'll turn into a power mongering, control freak hag sitting on her high horse passing down judgements and making up bad puns. Well don't worry about it kid I think you are way too smart to turn into that. I think you'll get a good handle on things and be one of those people who remain cool always. And it's true, we Pattersons don't have much hope of that, here's to hoping April and I slip by...and well April has a greater chance of doing that than I do.

    Lawrence you're making my stomach hurt with all this talk. I'm not sure what to believe right now but really I'm getting a little scared.

  • At 8:29 PM, Anonymous lawrence poirier said…


    You, of all people, should know what a creep Howard is. I have heard all about what he did to you, so you should have no doubt that pressing charges against him is the right thing to do. You can't just let a man assault you and then get away scot free. You don't know who else he could be attacking right now. I know you are recovering from his attack on you, but the faster you press charges, the more lives you will save. Not everybody is as lucky as you to have a great guy like Anthony to be willing to put his life on the line to protect you. Don't wait any longer. Press charges.


  • At 8:40 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    Because of Howard being at this blog I haven't wanted to tell him if I have or have not pressed charges yet. Maybe I did already. Maybe I didn't. Maybe I'm going to call after I finish this post, maybe not.

    But since I'm so scared I think I'm going to call Warren. Wouldn't it be great if he came and picked me up and flew me back to Mtig? I've been so shaken up lately that I don't know if I can bear the bus ride.

    Oh shut up Becky, I'm not asking for another guy to recuse me. Okay maybe I am, but at least this guy isn't as full of complications as the other.

  • At 8:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, it wd b way cube if warren flew down to m-boro & took u away from all this. esp. anthony. i don't blame u if u want 2 b rescued.

  • At 9:01 PM, Anonymous lawrence poirier said…


    I don't pretend to know what could be going through your mind right now, just after being assaulted. You don't need to be afraid of Howard on a blog. You need to make sure he is not outside your house right now, waiting for a chance to get you alone. When he does, Warren is not going to be able to save you, like Anthony did, at great personal risk to himself. If you haven't pressed charges yet, do it. You know it's the right thing to do.


  • At 9:08 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Don’t worry. I’m not lurking outside your house. Even though I think Lawrence Poirier is a scum-bag, who does not have your best interests at heart, I do agree with him on one thing. What I did to you was a criminal act, and you should press charges.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger howard said…


    All this sex talk on the blog today concerns me. I know my bud can handle herself. I just want to make sure you understand when they say that boys only think about one thing, it’s true. Don’t trust any of them. You can date them and flirt with them all you want, but don’t trust them. It will be years before the boys you know get any kind of self-control. Believe me, I’ve learned this the hard way and my perspective on this subject is not all that different from yours.

    Anyway, I just finished my first day as an electrician’s apprentice with your uncle Ralph and I thought you might want to know how it went. The job was at this store called Lilliput's. They have this giant, flashing display around these books about some guy named Harry Potter that was broken. There were 2 ladies working there when we got there. The older-looking one of them led us back to the display. The other younger lady looked really familiar to me and it took me a long time to remember where I had seen her before. What you may not know about me Becky, is that before I figured out who I really was, I used to have girlfriends. This younger lady was Bea, one of my old girlfriends. She broke up with me a few years back, and I hadn’t seen her since and yet there she was. She didn’t seem to recognize me, probably because my face looked pretty beat up from the stuff that happened last night. Anyway, it was kind of freaky seeing her there.

    We started work on the display, and your uncle Ralph was very patient with me. For example, we had a discussion about how when he asked for the red wires, he meant anything that was remotely red, and I was not to ask him whether or not the wire was really burgundy, cerise, chestnut, copper, coral, fuchsia, magenta, or vermilion. It was very educational.

    Anyway, we were about halfway done, when this big-nosed lady walks in the store and starts walking around like she owned the place. She was bossing the 2 other ladies around, and criticizing everything they had done. It didn’t seem to bother the older lady, but Bea was getting pretty upset. Then after awhile, she yelled out, “Why haven’t you sung me the birthday song? Why are there no cake and presents?” Bea started into “The Birthday Song” right away and the older lady offered her what appeared to be leftover muffins. While the big-nosed lady was stuffing muffins into her mouth, the older lady went back to the birthday aisle, picked up a gift bag, shoved something into it, and handed it to the big-nosed lady. This seemed to placate her for a moment and then she yelled out, “Where’s the birthday card?” I could actually see the older lady’s face turn beet red at this point. Bea ran over and fixed up a card. The big-nosed lady snatched it out of her hands, read it, and then wrapped these enormous flapping arms around the 2 ladies, while crying out, “You guys really ‘work for me.’” She then turned on her heels, walked out, and said, “See you tomorrow.” It was really weird.

    That was by far the most interesting part of the day. Tonight I am going to check out a bouncer position at a bar on Yonge Street in Toronto. No offence to your uncle, who was very kind to hire me, but the apprentice electrician salary isn’t going to pay all the bills. It’s a little bit of drive and it’s a straight bar, but that can only help with my likelihood of getting the job. Wish me luck.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    congratz, howard, u've met my mom, elly "navet nose" patterson. just b glad u don't have 2 live w/her!

  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger howard said…


    LOL about “navet nose.” I did not know you were into Franglais. Anyway, your mother’s nose looked more like a “pomme de terre” to me, but I guess that “pomme de terre nose” is not as alliterative as “navet nose.”

    Anyway, your mother’s behaviour was a little eccentric, but maybe she was just excited about her birthday. Or maybe she needs to have someone readjust the dosages on her medication. When I did that, it helped my behaviour a lot.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:01 PM, Anonymous lawrence poirier said…


    Please stop responding to posts from Howard Kelpfroth. This man brutally attacked Liz and is not someone to play around with. Not only is it dangerous to associate with him, but it is extremely disrespectful to Liz, who is only alive today because of a timely intervention from Anthony.

    Lawrence Poirier

  • At 10:14 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    apes c how i figure it is that sex is a big deal 4 teenagers so we shld try 2 learn whatever we can so we can make good choices if i had known more about guys (like what howie sed) i wld never have ended up with jeff. maybe if liz wuz more open abt her experiences with eric--?? u wld get an education that will keep u out of trouble. ur bf is gonna b a horndog cuz that's what teenage guyz r like so u shld know how 2 deal with it. i will bring over my glamour and cosmo magazines cuz they have lots of good tips about how guys think about sex stuff.

    liz, u can really b a mental case sometimes. one day ur calling ur mom an' dee prudes an' laughing about how they hate sex, next day ur saying it's all an act. all i m saying is, pick a side. u don't make ne sense.

    i think what's going on here is that u don't like 2 admit u come frum such a repressed family. u r "freer" with ur sexuality then they r an' since u know they r so judgmental an' u have this secret urge 2 b a perfect patterson u fool urself in2 thinking they're just like u--quiet on the outside, wild on the inside. guess what liz? it's ok 2 like sex even if ur mom an' dee r just frigid thru an' thru.

    when u called me naive i just died laughing. i see all kinds of shit every day that u can't even imagine an' what's ur life like? sometimes i wonder if u really are the first illterate teacher do u even read my posts? i fight off mom's boyfriends an' go visit dad in jail every week an' hold my sis marjee's hand when she gets accidentally preggers. u grew up a patterson an' then u went away 2 the perfect little native village in the north with no trouble or cares an' u still come home 2 live with ur parents every summer u can't get more sheltered then that! no wonder u thought howie wuz not trying 2 do anything bad 2 u despite the big flashing signs! an' when he did "attack" u, u needed a man 2 save u all u cld do wuz screech like a girl an' slap him so woosy it didn't even hurt. when i needed 2 defend my mom i knew how 2 be tough an' act like a man. oh yeah, i'm so naive. whatever.

    u know i think u r pretty cube sometimes liz but then u turn around an' start saying shit that makes no sense an' is actually really mean an' condescending 2 me an' i really wonder if u don't have a split personality or something. it's like when i don't act as proper as u want me 2, u get all pissy with me an' treat me like i'm some slutty dumb kid. i don't want 2 fight with u liz just try 2 treat me with some respect. sorry i wuz curious about ur sex life u keep dropping hints like u wldn't mind talking about it. sheesh.

    lawrence, buzz off u r not wanted here. howie is our pal an' those of us who r not naive know who is telling the truth here.

    howie, i m so glad ur first day at work went well uncle ralph is pretty cube i like him a lot so i think u will 2. uncle mark can b kinda bitchy so look out 4 that. ralph will sometimes tip u off by saying "mark is on the rag today" which he thinks is the funniest joke ever. just laugh it makes him happy.

    ok going now. becks

  • At 10:15 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    p.s.--hey howie what kinds of meds r u on neway? r they fun 2 take like the stuff mom keeps around?

  • At 10:22 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear Friends,

    I think it would behoove us to take Lawrence's warning about Howard very seriously. Lawrence is a long-time, trusted Patterson friend, and that speaks volumes about his character. On the other hand, Howard is a known criminal, and he is friends with Becky. And, as we know, while April tolerates Becky, the rest of the Patterson family officially disapproves of her. (Although I find her frank talk about sexuality very...fascinating. Perhaps that is one Becky quality my velvet petal April could adopt--?)

    Nevertheless, I think we should take a firm stand on this issue and give Howard the silent treatment. And, if he fails to take the hint, perhaps I will have to defend these ladies and resort to fisticuffs.

    April's most devoted forever lover, Gerald

    P.S.--April my treasure, I notice that you have been largely ignoring my posts. Are you disgusted by me again? Please let me know. I am willing to try on as many personae as it takes to find the one that will cause you to melt like butter on a hot skillet.

  • At 10:23 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh shut up gerald

  • At 10:32 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Becky I think you are too defensive to actually understand what I am saying. I am saying they aren't as spottless and clean and virtous as they'd have you believe. Just like I have other sides, so do they. Ok so they are not as indecisive but... Let me put it simply. They were once wild and through feeling shamed of their wildness have decended into frigidity and a holier than thou attitude. I also think that you, being unrepressed as they were at one time run the risk of at maturity warping into one of them. I think you'll escape it. That was a compliment.

    Don't mistake experience with maturity Becky. I have quite a few more years on you and my life may not have been hard in the same sense as yours, but I'm not an idiot. Plus I don't like being judge on your actions anymore than you like being judged on yours. Oh but I'm a Patterson so it's ok to do that huh? That's kinda twisted logic don't you think?

  • At 10:36 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Hi, Howard. We haven't talked b4 but I'm Marjee's half sister. That would b so cube if u got a bouncing gig here. My cousin works there as a sommelier, I think. I dunno how to spell it, but it has somethin 2 do w/wine. Very classy joint, an' a major place 4 the gay-lesbo-bi-transgender theatre people n Toronto, she says. NEway, u sound all right an' I can ask her 2 put n a good word 4 u.

    An' ur an awesome guitar player, April, no matter what ur hick cousins say. If u work hard at it, u could be the next Canadian guitar hero (or heroine!). Move over Alex Lifeson!

  • At 10:38 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i never sed i cld judge u cuz ur a patterson. i m just saying that u r the one who starts the being mean an' the judging, so if u don't like hearing it back, don't dish out what u can't take!

    an' i don't think u r listening 2 what i write either. all i m saying is, in the past u always joked abt ur mom an' dee like they really truly were ice queens who never did a naughty thing in their lives. now u suddenly have a diff story. can u blame me 4 wondering abt that contradiction??

    well don't mistake age with maturity liz cuz getting older doesn't necessarily make u wiser. wisdom comes frum age an' experience 2gether an' u r 24 but u haven't had 2 much experience outside of Mboro an' Mtigniceyniceville. So don't put urself on a pedestal above me cuz u don't got the goods 2 back it up. ur not better then me or wiser then me or even more mature then me (cuz u don't stand on ur own 2 feet much, do u?). i don't put myself over u. i just ask that u give me the same amount of respect that u want me 2 give 2 u.


    ps--can we pleeze stop fighting now cuz it's really cruel of us 2 put apes in the middle of this.

  • At 11:03 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Ok Becky we can stop now. We're just going around in circles not understanding what the other is saying anyway.

    Chalk my part of it up as being really tired and extremely shaken up by Lawrence's posts.

  • At 11:12 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Thanks for the advice about your "uncle" Ralph. With my dramatic training, laughing on cue should be no problem.

    The medication I take is an anti-depressant prescribed by my therapist. I was going a little nuts about the possibility of going to jail, so my therapist said it would be a good idea to get the medication. The only downside is that they sort of guess how much you should take based on your body weight and then they adjust the dosage based on your reaction. I was acting really schizoid until they adjusted the dosage. It is not fun to feel out of control like that. I don’t know how your mother can stand to take that stuff. I felt really awful.

    By the by, I need to correct a misconception you seem to have about Elizabeth and the “attack.” This is going to seem odd coming from me. Anyway, if I hadn’t been fake-fighting, Anthony would never have been able to take me. I had to work really hard to make him look good, because he fights like an arthritic grandmother. It’s not easy when a guy is tweaking your ear, to say “Oww” and make those stars come out of your head like it hurts. Elizabeth, on the other hand, hits surprisingly hard. My face still hadn’t healed up when Dennis hit me in the exact same spot last night. Fortunately, when you’re of my orientation, you learn to take a punch pretty early in life. You’re my bud, and I know you could take Elizabeth in a fight, but you would be feeling it afterwards. Trust me.


    Thank you for the job advice. If the bouncer job at the straight bar doesn’t pan out, I will definitely have you call your cousin. The only problem I can see depends on whether or not news from the GLBTG theatre people travels from Milborough to Toronto. I hope to get to hear April play sometime like you apparently have. Becky says she is really good.

    Talk to you later. I’m off for the job interview,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 11:28 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hey howard its funny u mention antidepressants cuz the doc at the er gave mom some the other nite he sed that some paxil might help her act less krazee over my dad leaving. also he pulled me aside an' whispered that it might also kill her sex drive so no more "uncles" maybe.

    wow i didn't know u wld need 2 jobs r u really strapped 4 cash? sorry 2 ask cuz apes told me 1ce that apparently it's rude 2 ask about money but i'm worried about u.

    also u shld talk 2 my uncle ralph about getting u back in the glbt light opera. lawrence thinks he's the big cheeze in the gay community in m-boro but uncle ralph an' uncle mark r no slouches either. uncle mark used 2 be a real slu...i mean he used 2 have a lot of boyfriends. (no need 2 get back in2 all that s-e-x stuff that pisses liz off so bad) neway that means he "knows" most of the gay guyz in town so mayb he can b ur ombudsman 2 the opera. (i just learned that word i wuz playing with the dictionary again--i forgot how much fun that is apes! thanx 4 the reminder!)

    see i enjoy g-rated patterson-style fun sometimes 2.


    p.s.--if u didn't figure it out liz i'm still mad at u. i respond 2 ur points but all u ever do is ignore most of my posts an' just go off on how i'm naive an' i don't get what ur saying. that's really obnoxious. we won't be going 4 triple shots again netime soon.

  • At 11:58 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I was about to leave for Toronto, when I saw your post come through. So, I have a few quick answers to you before I leave, so you don’t worry about me.

    First, although it is always a good idea to practice good manners, you’re my bud, and you can ask me anything you want.

    The money. The transmission and tire repair on that guy Weed’s car I used was a couple of thousand dollars, which I did not have. Plus, I am pretty sure I am not going to get any severance pay from Lawrence and Nick. I also had a little credit card debt before that car bill came in. Don’t worry. Between your uncle’s job and a second job at night, I should be able to handle it.

    The Opera. Your uncle Ralph and I talked about the Milborough GLBTG Light Opera Company after he told me why it was that Dennis popped me one the other night. I appreciate your suggestion about your “uncle” Mark, but Ralph and I both agree that this is not the time for me to try to get back into light opera or anything involving that community of people. Ralph is taking a lot of bull for even hiring me. Fortunately for me, he loves sticking it to Lawrence. I really owe you for setting me up with him. I mean it when I say you can ask me for anything.

    The dictionary. I’m glad you are learning new things. I am becoming acutely aware of how important it is to have job skills other than music to fall back on.

    Talk to you later,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:53 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    howie it makes me want 2 cry 2 know u can't do ur opera nemore cuz i know how much u love it. i have an idea. u shld bring some of ur opera costumes over 2 my house. i like 2 sing so we can put on operas 2gether in my garage at least 'til u can get back 2 the real thing. it will be good 4 me 2 learn the opera type singing neway i m trying 2 branch out in my genres mostly i just know how 2 do pop ballads an' what my sis marjee calls "punk lite."

    ok more 2morrow
    ur bud the beckster

  • At 2:46 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I'm sleeping over at my aunt and uncle's place tonight instead of driving back to Milborough, so I am posting from their computer. Just thought I would let you know that I got the bouncer job. I start tomorrow night.

    I'm going to be pretty busy working the 2 jobs, but I would love to do "garage opera" with my bud. Do you have a keyboard at your house, so I can play the accompaniment? I know a few 2-person operas that would work. Gian Carlo Menotti's "The Telephone" is what immediately came to mind. It is very funny and it's not too hard and it has a part for a man and a woman. Of course the last time I did it, I sang the woman part. But I can be just like my bud and branch out in my genres.

    Your bud,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:31 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Oh Becky! Friends disagree sometimes and often about very deep fundamental things. April has come to me many times crying about "differences of opinion with you" That's what keeps life and everyone from being like Elly Patterson's wet dream, with everyone agreeing and not having opinions of their own. You are very entitled to your opinion. I was just trying to tell you what I know and bust up the facade a little bit. I won't bring out any secrets that I think will upset you again.

    I have a different view of things than you do. Because I make a statement contrary to yours, it doesn't mean I don't value your opinion and it doesn't mean I have lost respect for you as an invidual.

    So stop being mad at me, It's pointless. Instead lets you April and I go out for some triple shots when she gets back (If I'm still here) and put it behind us.

  • At 8:32 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, ger. i'll answer u 1st cuz u think i m ignoring u. that's not true, i've just had trub keeping up w/all the comments while the rellies keep wanting 2 whisk me away 2 do a milly things "1 last time". i swear i'll need another vacation 2 recover fr this 1. & they keep tsking, "oh r u on that computer again, april? shut it off get some fresh air!" ne-way, u don't have 2 try 2 b some1 u're not. i have the most fun w/u when u're not so worried & u're just gerald. but pls remember that i'm not a perfect patterson & if u start backing up my mom & taking her side w/everything, that will make my head hurt. & pls, enuf harshing on becky.

    becky & liz, pls stop fighting! u r both cube in yr own way & it soundz like u agree more than u think. let's get back 2 our common ground. elly patterson is a BUTT! & u r totally both coming out for triple-shot lattes w/me, my treat.

    becks, i agree abt learning abt boyz & sex & i'm trying 2 get over my hang ups. it's just not e-z u know?

    . . . i know i haven't answered every1, but unk danny is threatening to pull the plug on this 'puter, so i have 2 run!


  • At 9:16 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    sorry liz but if u read ur posts 2 me closer u will c that u r very condescending. "oh, i wuz only trying 2 make u c the light, so sorry u can't handle it." same old crap. hope u ren't like that 2 ur students cuz that'll make em hate u fast.

    we were never really friends neway just acquaintences cuz of apes. i think it wuz a mistake 4 us 2 try 2 be more cuz we're just 2 different an' u can't treat me like an equal. every time i say something u don't like, u just say, "oh becky, u don't understand." even when i have a good point. that's a debate trick only loozers use. i know cuz i hang around the debate team a lot there's a cute guy named kevin on it.

    not saying we have 2 fight, but don't go expecting me 2 treat u with a whole ton of loyalty an' respect cuz i don't feel much of eiether 4 u.


  • At 3:15 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Is that a chip on your shoulder Becky or have you grown two heads?


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