April's Real Blog

Friday, August 26, 2005

Etymology

OK, I may only B 14, but I know "prairie" doesn't come from "prayer", it comes from the Old French praierie, via Vulgar Latin prataria, by way of the Latin prata, meadow. Duh! But sometimes I ask these stupid questions just 2 see what ppl will say. Laura thinks she's so smart, but I swear, a couple of days ago, she swore that the urban legend about For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge is true, and Becky & I have known the truth abt that one since we looked up our fave bad words in the O.E.D. back in grade 4.

I'm not trying 2 say that the scenery wasn't all gorg. & everything, cuz it totally was. But I'd already done the "Oh, my God, this is so beautiful" thing the last 10-12 x we went riding. It's very pretty, peeps, but that gets 2 B a dull convo, U know?

NEway, Ger & I had a long, long talk on the phone. He was crying & asked me not 2 kiss Steve again. I said I wdn't. For one thing, I only did it cuz I felt like Ger almost pushed me 2. Besides, Steve lives all the way out here in Winni, & I do need 2 get on w/my M-boro life soon. I do miss my bf, peeps, even if he does overdo the "smooth" thing.

Apes, not in Winni much longer!

posted by April Patterson @ 7:28 AM  

49 Comments:

  • At 8:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Since you're so into spirituality these days, let me just say "God Bless Elly Patterson." She stopped by the hospital today and brought my laptop, so I can finally start getting caught up. These pain meds are making me all whoozy and I need a break from shuffling cashola and your url is easy to remember.

    Good thing I'm stuck in a hospital bed because there's so much to do. Lawrence just got in a new shipment of "South American Exotics" and I have to arrange distribution funding. Then there's the all the money for parts (plus new odometers) and labor for the non-conventional storage modifications to the "q-list" trucks that has to look like fleet sales upgrades. Then there's a backlog of cash to go into the restaurant; I'm glad no one's noticed that a diner with cobwebs over the fryer and a non-functioning orange juice dispenser is making C$750,000 a year. Not busy enough, Anthony? Gordo says "The Roadside," his strip joint/gentleman's club/entertainment lounge out on 12 is doing so well he wants to open another one ("The Gig") and you wouldn't believe the paperwork and "supplemental permissions." Everyone in this feckin' town (pardon my French, April) has a hand out. Mibor is so dirty a tornado wouldn't clean it.

    Oh, your Mom was really chipper this morning, something about some kind of results (another clean mammogram?) so that's some good news for ya anyway. Having trouble typing now maybe they screwed up my dosage again gotta log off and get some shuteye.

     

  • At 8:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My dainty little sugar plum,*

    I'm truly glad you decided to come back to me. I promise to strive to be the best boyfriend I can be.

    When you get home, we should celebrate. I will think of something special that combines old-fashioned romance and typical teenaged fun.

    After all, compromise is the soul of a beautiful life-long relationship.

    Your devoted lover, Gerald

    *I'm psyched that you said I could keep doing these little endearments! They're my fave.

     

  • At 8:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Perhaps Mrs. Patterson's chipper mood is the result of learning that my incomparable darling sweetums and I are back together forever?

    Gerald

     

  • At 8:41 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i'm glad we r 2gether, but pls keep yr "endearments" 4 when we r face-2-face! y'know, um, 2 keep 'em more "special".

    becks, i didn't get 2 respond 2 yr posts last nite. soundz like u had such a scary nite! when i'm back we r gonna go 2 the mall & do some totally girly mindless stuff. shopping, bad food, movies, trashy mags, & everything. i'm glad brad l. helped w/yr mom & that she keeps her promise 2 u.

    howard, i m so sorry 2 hear about losing yr job & getting kicked out of that opera. becks & i will totally c what we can think of 2 help u out.

    duncan, i'm so glad u r done w/reading to the olds. hope the court date goes ok. becky, that's really cube of u 2 help out.

    peeps, anthony sez mom seemed happy abt something going well. i kno she had a mamm-gram last yr, so i doubt it's that. besides, even when that goes well, she spends the day grumbling abt how much her boobs hurt fr. being squooshed in the machine. so now i'm worried abt what she must b up 2. ne1 got ne cluez?

     

  • At 9:25 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, g'ma carrie was a total ug, i'd 4gotten how bad she looked. esp. with her hair up in that super-hi bun. ew. yeah, i worry abt. getting ug like that when i'm older, but there's a saying that u get the face that u deserve when u get older. mayB ma & g'ma just got ug fr. being so mean & meddly. if i act better than that, mayB i'll have a nicer face.

    oh, i don't know abt the mailman theory, but i remember a long time ago, dad had an argument w/unk phil abt how being a pro. musician was no way 2 live & fam. was most imp. phil ended up saying sumthin abt. "i'm surprised u were able 2 knock up my sis 2 have april, cuz i thought u'd been shooting blanx 4 yrs."

    yeah, i remember when mike wrote up the "comprehensive list of obscene language" for us 2 look up, back when he was in uni. he was def. cooler back then. i'm not sure what happened 2 him.

    & i totally love fooling my fam. in2 thinking i'm just as fooby as they r. they alwayz fall 4 it!

    i gave ger a smackdown abt sayin' ne-thing bad abt u. i think he got it. oh, ger, if dunc is rite & u went shopping for "protection" @ the drugstore, then 4get it. i'm just not readE for that yet. esp. if u bought them fr. dee. 4 all we know, she coulda poked holes in them.

    liz, i 4got 2 say. my memory is a little fuzzy, but i don't think i pooped in mr. b's kitty litter. i think what happened was i wanted to see if the litter really clumped when it got wet, so i dumped a whole bunch into the toilet. it formed a giant mass of clumped stuff, & mom flipped. i think she made u clean it out cuz she said i was 2 little 2 do it myself. what really hits me abt my memories fr. that time is how anthony act. looked like he was an actual teenager.

    apes

     

  • At 9:29 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, & another thing, ger, we r waaaayyyyy 2 young 2 even think about marriage. whenever my mom starts talking abt stuff like that, just stare at her potato nose, nod a bit, and let some 4evah songs go thru yr head. she won't know the diff.

     

  • At 9:43 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oops, u r rite. i had gma carrie in my head cuz i've just spent so much time with her & she made so much stink abt how much better she is than marian. but yeah, gma marian was the uggo.

    i think i'll wait till i'm 16, 2. sorry, ger.

     

  • At 9:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's ok, Becks. The preg thing is a bit embarrassing, but we should warn people about Deanna P. I didn't know what I was gonna do when I tested + on the preg test, but then it turned out to be ectopic & I had to have surgery. I almost lost a fallopian tube. Thanks, Dee.

     

  • At 10:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hypers, the blog has gone wonky again!

     

  • At 10:26 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i'm starting 2 think u've got a major becky fixation!

    pls no talk abt bonerz & pleasure swords! when i c u, we'll c a movie @ the mall & b 14yo's, k?

     

  • At 11:35 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, that's why we totally can nev. let mom know about this blog. she has 2 think a blog is a place where ppl post random and often meaningless photos 4 no apparent reason.

    don't let our warped patterson upbringing make u feel guilty abt how anthony's life has turned out. he's a big boy who made his own choicez. he musta known what t. was like when they dated & got engaged, but he married her ne-way. then he pushed her in2 having a baby when she didn't want 2.

    u r finding yr own way up in mtigyadayadaheyhey. remember that gr8 feeling u get when u r teaching & u can see fr. the kid'z eyes that they totally get what u r telling them. u 1ce told me that the feeling is like nuthin' else. besidez, no1 sez u hafta stay up north 4 the rest of yr life. if u want 2, u can alwayz use yr teaching exp. somewhere else.

     

  • At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My luscious little lemon drop,

    I hate to tell you this, but "popping a boner" is a normal 14 year old thing to do. At least for guys. And it happens a lot when they're doing things with the woman they are in love with, like I am with you. Haven't you ever noticed the little tent in the front of my pants whenever I'm around you?

    Liz, I doubt you really and truly find the idea of a boner creepy, since you are the most roadside girl on this blog.

    Sincerely and devotedly April's forever, Gerald

     

  • At 12:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i know it's normal 4 boyz 2 have that happen. just pls don't talk abt it! i tried 2 pretend i didn't notice the "tent".

    lol, becks, sumtimez i go out of my way 2 make that fake blog as random as poss. it seemz that the more random it is, the more mom luvs it. so weird.

    ger, don't u dare insult my sis. that's not ne better than harshing on my buds, k?

    apes

     

  • At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey, Apes, gr8 day! The judge threw out my charges 'cos Officer Luggsworth violated my charter rights. The judge yelled an' yelled @ Lug 'til his face went all purple. Then the judge said something 2 me but I dont no what 'cos I had an allergy attack an' my eyes were watering 2 much 2 listen. My lawyer told my 'rents 2 sue Lug an' the Mboro police but my 'rents say no way 'cos they dont want 2 b pulled over every day an' b given bogus tickets. So my lawyer said 2 come an' c him when Im 18 an' I can sue them myself an' I dont care if they h8 me 'cos Ill be living in TO neway. So I dont hafta go live in a group home 4 young offenders an' go 2 a special young offender school an' Ill get a lot of $ someday after I sue. My lawyer is so cube! My 'rents arent cube, tho. They say I hafta write letters of apology. My lawyer said ok after he argued with my 'rents, but he says I hafta use his "template." Here it is:

    Dear Ms./Mrs./Miss/Ms/Mme/Mlle Whoever:

    On a strictly without prejudice basis, and without admitting but expressly denying any liability for any cause or causes of action that you have, may have, may have had, or may in future have against me, I regret any inconvenience that I caused or may have caused you, whether intentionally (which is not admitted but expressly denied,) or unintentionally.

    ****** This is where I hafta personalize the letter.

    Yours very truly,
    Duncan Anderson

    My mom says I hafta do 1 every day 'til Im done. I guess Ill do Beckers 1st. B back l8r.

     

  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, i m so glad court went well 4 u. now u can put this all behind u & start school fresh. yay!

     

  • At 12:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Here's Beckers letter, Apes, let me no what u think:

    Dear Ms./Mrs./Miss/Ms/Mme/Mlle Rebecca McGuire:

    On a strictly without prejudice basis, and without admitting but expressly denying any liability for any cause or causes of action that you have, may have, may have had, or may in future have against me, I regret any inconvenience that I caused or may have caused you, whether intentionally (which is not admitted but expressly denied,) or unintentionally.

    Beckers, when MC DunC wins like 20 MuchMusic awards an' his man Jay-Z flies his private jet 2 TO an' wants the last ticket 2 MC's award party MC will hafta say no way 'cos MC has 2 give it 2 Beckers who is 1 of MC's peeps.

    Yours very truly,
    Duncan Anderson

    P.S. Beckers, Im MC DunC if u didnt guess.

     

  • At 12:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, liz, u totally saved my butt! yeah, i've got a prezzie hidden away in the lockbox dad keeps behind his train stay. lock combo is the name of your old teddy bear that mike tried 2 flsh down the toilet.

    mom's b-day is such an ordeal every year. she pretends she doesn't want ne1 2 make a big fuss, but then if u don't she pouts & keeps whinging about how no1 cares about her. ugh.

     

  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, u shd prolly show that 2 yr lawyer cuz he mite want u 2 keep a more "formal" tone thru yr letter. but still, that's a nice thing 2 say 2 becks.

     

  • At 1:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I would not "wank" to any posts about Elizabeth's sex life. I think blondes are ugly. I only like brunettes. Besides, Elizabeth is too long in the tooth to be attractive. I don't know how she's getting all those men. She is not delicate and lissome and has not the flowering beauty of my darling April.

    April's future husband, Gerald

    P.S.--I do still want to be your true lover, April, although I am having a hard time understanding what it is that you want from me. First you say I'm acting like an old man. Now you say I am acting too much like a regular 14 year old boy. Why don't you just tell me what you want? And no, I don't want to hear another of Becky's songs.

    P.P.S.--I was not trying to insult your sister. I was merely stating facts. Your sister has had more sex than anyone on here. And, statistically speaking, she's had more sex partners than 99% of Milborough's residents, who typically marry their first love sometime before age 22 and then have a veritable herd of children.

     

  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i m sorry if i m being confusing. i can't help it. i don't want u to act 80, but i don't want 2 hear about u pitching a tent in yr pants either. can't there b a "happy medium"?

    it's cube that u say nice things abt the way i look, but pls don't say mean things abt my sister's looks. they r just not true!

     

  • At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My precious jewel-encrusted trinket,

    I can't help my own personal tastes. I'm sure that, objectively speaking, blondes are not ugly. But as far as I am concerned, they are all ugly old hags in my eyes. I'm sorry that this condemns your best friend and entire family to hagdom, but there's nothing I can do.

    Explain to me please the happy medium. I have been trying to be that for you, my little Barbie doll, but clearly I am failing. Fortunately, you are hot for my bod, and that will keep our passion alive while we work out the minor problem of you hating my personality.

    Sincerely and forever your lover, Gerald

    P.S.--And do not doubt that I find you totally smokin'. You look just like Katie Holmes, only sexier. I would jump up and down on a couch if I thought it would win you over, but I bet you would hate that too.

     

  • At 1:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, if i h8ed yr personality, we wdn't even b having this convo! u know that! u r just a bit freaked out cuz we've been apart 4 so long. don't worry, everything will be cube when we see each other.

    liz is rite, aunt bev has some wild stories about our mom. there was 1 that i totally wasn't supposed 2 hear. she & unk danny were chatting when they thought i was asleep & aunt bev was remembering that when dad 1st met mom, he was nervous about "pleasing" her b/c she was, erm, "experienced". not that i even wanna think abt that!

     

  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I am sorry your mom is not doing well. If it’s OK with her, I can come over and do some cooking for you. I really owe you for hooking me up with your uncle Ralph. I just finished my job interview with him. I am now an employed electrician’s apprentice. Your uncle fronted the union dues for me and said he would take it out of my salary a little at a time. I also got to meet your “uncle” Mark, who was in the office at the time. I can see what your uncle Ralph likes in him. He has a startling resemblance to a young Peter Falk, except without the glass eye. Ralph really wants to take me to work over at Lawrence’s place, but I told him I would rather not go over there just yet. My boyfriend, I should say newly ex-boyfriend Ross works over there. We broke up last night. I should probably tell you that story.

    Last night I went with Ross to the "The Iron Bar" which is, as you know, a club for persons of my orientation. I was going there to see if they had an opening for a bouncer position. Plus I was going to explain to Ross about how I got fired. So, we’re driving over there and I am telling my story to Ross, and he just starts getting madder and madder. He kept telling me that I was stupid to be listening to some 14-year-old girls, who didn’t know anything about how this town is run and how I was stupid to be turning down all that money.

    When we get to the club, he jumps out of the car and yells at me that he never wants to see me again. Well, I am pretty upset about this and so I start to head into the club after him. But the owner of the club comes up to me and says, “Howard. I’m sorry, but we don’t want you around here. You need to go home and not come back.” But I keep on trying to get in so I can talk to Ross.

    So then I see Dennis coming up, and I say to Dennis, “Will you talk to this guy? He won’t let me in for some reason.” Then Dennis hauls off, pops me across the face hard, and says, “That was for Elizabeth.” Then he kicks me a couple of times and walks off. Normally, if someone does that to me, I don’t let it go until some ribs are broken that aren’t mine. But, considering what I did to Elizabeth, I figured I deserved it. So I just went home.

    Anyway, I did not look very pretty at the job interview, but your uncle hired me anyway. We’re supposed to do some electrical work at a place called Lilliput's later day. I’ll let you know how it goes.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 3:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, April, please remove my first post to your blog from today. Seriously. I was doped up and didn't know what I was writing, I must have been fantasizing or something. What I wrote was just not true.

    Gordon got where he is because he's "one in a million" and really really worked hard to turn a junkheap of a gas station into one of the largest luxury car dealerships in Ontario. He runs the Milborough Legitimate Businessman's Association and is in the Rotary. He doesn't own "The Roadside" nor does he want to open a place called "The Gig"; for the record those are owned by a Mr. Rusty Shakleford of Brampton.

    I'm supposed to have a sit down with Gord after my hip heals and I don't want any misunderstandings that might lead to my head getting pounded into a pulp while it's held down the garage toilet. Also, the green-velvet mafia says it's my ass if I don't get that post removed.

    Please, April, hurry!

     

  • At 3:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry, anthony, i tried 2 remove yr post, but there must b sum kinda glitch, cuz i wasn't able 2 do it. it mite have sumthing 2 do w/the way u coded it, but i'm not ne kind of an xpert abt these thingz.

     

  • At 3:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit...can't you call that Jason Fox kid or someone. Seems like he knows computers. Seriously, April, that post is an embarrassment to Mr. Mayes and Ol' Gord hates being embarrassed though he is one in a million and a very understanding employer who arranged for me to work from home and collect my family leave and I don't want to have to move to some jungle or something because I don't dare show my face around here.

     

  • At 3:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, i don't have a phone # 4 jason. if he sees these comments, i'm sure he will leave a response.

    howard, i'm shocked 2 hear what happened 2 u. liz, have u heard ne-thing about all this?

     

  • At 4:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April I am not sure what problem you are having deleting the comments for AnthDad2FranMilboro. He seems sorta desperate. I think considering the circumstances you should do all you can to get rid of it like he askes. The guys he's in league with sound like trouble. They sound like the kinda people who would let your Mom in on your secret blog.

    So, like under the time stamp on AnthDad2FranMilboro's post do you see the trash can? If you do you can just click on that. If you can't see the trash can and you're logged into your account then you prolly have a chaching issue with your browser. Clear your cache then refresh your browser a few times. If that doesn't work try doing it from a differnt browser, like Foxfire as opposed to IE. Also it could be the firewall or Anti-virus program on your computer. Disable them temporarily and see if you can delete your comments then. Otherwise try going over to Becky's house and use her computer to access your blog. You can come over to my house too but that would be a last resort. Let me know how it works out.

     

  • At 4:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    AnthDad2FranMilboro I also suggest you open up a free account with blogger. Your last comments won't apply but you'd be able to erase any of the comments you've made at any blog on Blogger. So that gives you a little control if your on drugs again and spill beans about things people don't want known. I'd hate to see you fitted with cement boots. Though, I get the feeling no one else here would mind seeing that happen.

     

  • At 4:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Thanks Jason but Mr. Mayes said it's okay and he's going to talk to me tomorrow. I was pretty scared for a while because someone at the landscaping store has my wedding ring and they said they'd send it back to my wife with something in it that wasn't my ring finger.

    I wonder who told Gordon about this blog? I suspect it was Mz. Putain-Glacee.

     

  • At 5:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Thanks Liz. Gordon really likes you, he and I talk about the "good old days" a lot and you always remind him of being a kid.

     

  • At 5:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My lubricious little sylph,

    I can't wait until you come home. I'm sure we can work out all our problems in love's sweet embrace. I will lay you down beside the fireplace at my parents' house (ok, so it's a wood-burning stove) and kiss you until your lips are swollen from our lovemaking.*

    I will try not to pop a boner.

    Your fiercely devoted lifelong lover, Gerald

    *I mean this in the old-fashioned sense of courtship and amour, not actual screwing.

     

  • At 5:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jason, i know about using that little trash can icon cuz i had 2 use it 2 delete a whole buncha comment spam b4 i changed my comment settings. 4 some reason it didn't work w/anthony's comment. instead of getting the screen i usually do when i do a "delete" (where you can check a box 2 delete permanently), i got a special screen that said "you are not authorized to perform this function." weird cuz i've nev had this happen w/ne other comment i tried to delete. i tried all yr other suggestions, but they didn't work.

    but ne-way, anthony, ppl wd still b able 2 find yr old post on google.

    apes

     

  • At 7:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It has come to my attention that Howard Kelpfroth has been posting to this blog and saying that I and my business and life partner Nick are responsible for his assault on Elizabeth Patterson. I grew up with Liz’s brother Mike and I want you to know that I would never have anything to do with a scheme to harm Liz, who is one of my closest and dearest friends. Anything Howard Kelpfroth may have posted on this blog about his innocence is a complete and utter fabrication. He has a long history of mental instability and physical violence. Liz was very fortunate that such an able-bodied and upstanding man as Anthony Caine was there to rescue her in the nick of time, or who knows what horrible degradations she may have suffered at Howard’s hands. As soon as Liz has recovered from her assault and is able to press charges, the police will pick up Howard and put him behind bars, where he belongs. Until then, please do not respond to anything Howard posts here. You will only be encouraging his mental delusions.

    Thank you,
    Lawrence Poirier

     

  • At 7:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u know, i wish i didn't get so embarrassed abt this stuff, becks, but i do. i'm trying 2 over the patterson weirdness, but sum of it is so ingrained it's hard 2 even recognize it. i mean, it's not that i'm upset abt ger having, well, u know what happen. it's talking abt it here that makes me blush. it's cool that u can b open abt this stuff.

     

  • At 8:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Liz,

    You, of all people, should know what a creep Howard is. I have heard all about what he did to you, so you should have no doubt that pressing charges against him is the right thing to do. You can't just let a man assault you and then get away scot free. You don't know who else he could be attacking right now. I know you are recovering from his attack on you, but the faster you press charges, the more lives you will save. Not everybody is as lucky as you to have a great guy like Anthony to be willing to put his life on the line to protect you. Don't wait any longer. Press charges.

    Lawrence

     

  • At 8:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, it wd b way cube if warren flew down to m-boro & took u away from all this. esp. anthony. i don't blame u if u want 2 b rescued.

     

  • At 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Liz,

    I don't pretend to know what could be going through your mind right now, just after being assaulted. You don't need to be afraid of Howard on a blog. You need to make sure he is not outside your house right now, waiting for a chance to get you alone. When he does, Warren is not going to be able to save you, like Anthony did, at great personal risk to himself. If you haven't pressed charges yet, do it. You know it's the right thing to do.

    Lawrence

     

  • At 9:08 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Elizabeth,

    Don’t worry. I’m not lurking outside your house. Even though I think Lawrence Poirier is a scum-bag, who does not have your best interests at heart, I do agree with him on one thing. What I did to you was a criminal act, and you should press charges.

    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    All this sex talk on the blog today concerns me. I know my bud can handle herself. I just want to make sure you understand when they say that boys only think about one thing, it’s true. Don’t trust any of them. You can date them and flirt with them all you want, but don’t trust them. It will be years before the boys you know get any kind of self-control. Believe me, I’ve learned this the hard way and my perspective on this subject is not all that different from yours.

    Anyway, I just finished my first day as an electrician’s apprentice with your uncle Ralph and I thought you might want to know how it went. The job was at this store called Lilliput's. They have this giant, flashing display around these books about some guy named Harry Potter that was broken. There were 2 ladies working there when we got there. The older-looking one of them led us back to the display. The other younger lady looked really familiar to me and it took me a long time to remember where I had seen her before. What you may not know about me Becky, is that before I figured out who I really was, I used to have girlfriends. This younger lady was Bea, one of my old girlfriends. She broke up with me a few years back, and I hadn’t seen her since and yet there she was. She didn’t seem to recognize me, probably because my face looked pretty beat up from the stuff that happened last night. Anyway, it was kind of freaky seeing her there.

    We started work on the display, and your uncle Ralph was very patient with me. For example, we had a discussion about how when he asked for the red wires, he meant anything that was remotely red, and I was not to ask him whether or not the wire was really burgundy, cerise, chestnut, copper, coral, fuchsia, magenta, or vermilion. It was very educational.

    Anyway, we were about halfway done, when this big-nosed lady walks in the store and starts walking around like she owned the place. She was bossing the 2 other ladies around, and criticizing everything they had done. It didn’t seem to bother the older lady, but Bea was getting pretty upset. Then after awhile, she yelled out, “Why haven’t you sung me the birthday song? Why are there no cake and presents?” Bea started into “The Birthday Song” right away and the older lady offered her what appeared to be leftover muffins. While the big-nosed lady was stuffing muffins into her mouth, the older lady went back to the birthday aisle, picked up a gift bag, shoved something into it, and handed it to the big-nosed lady. This seemed to placate her for a moment and then she yelled out, “Where’s the birthday card?” I could actually see the older lady’s face turn beet red at this point. Bea ran over and fixed up a card. The big-nosed lady snatched it out of her hands, read it, and then wrapped these enormous flapping arms around the 2 ladies, while crying out, “You guys really ‘work for me.’” She then turned on her heels, walked out, and said, “See you tomorrow.” It was really weird.

    That was by far the most interesting part of the day. Tonight I am going to check out a bouncer position at a bar on Yonge Street in Toronto. No offence to your uncle, who was very kind to hire me, but the apprentice electrician salary isn’t going to pay all the bills. It’s a little bit of drive and it’s a straight bar, but that can only help with my likelihood of getting the job. Wish me luck.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 9:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    congratz, howard, u've met my mom, elly "navet nose" patterson. just b glad u don't have 2 live w/her!

     

  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    LOL about “navet nose.” I did not know you were into Franglais. Anyway, your mother’s nose looked more like a “pomme de terre” to me, but I guess that “pomme de terre nose” is not as alliterative as “navet nose.”

    Anyway, your mother’s behaviour was a little eccentric, but maybe she was just excited about her birthday. Or maybe she needs to have someone readjust the dosages on her medication. When I did that, it helped my behaviour a lot.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 10:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Please stop responding to posts from Howard Kelpfroth. This man brutally attacked Liz and is not someone to play around with. Not only is it dangerous to associate with him, but it is extremely disrespectful to Liz, who is only alive today because of a timely intervention from Anthony.

    Lawrence Poirier

     

  • At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Friends,

    I think it would behoove us to take Lawrence's warning about Howard very seriously. Lawrence is a long-time, trusted Patterson friend, and that speaks volumes about his character. On the other hand, Howard is a known criminal, and he is friends with Becky. And, as we know, while April tolerates Becky, the rest of the Patterson family officially disapproves of her. (Although I find her frank talk about sexuality very...fascinating. Perhaps that is one Becky quality my velvet petal April could adopt--?)

    Nevertheless, I think we should take a firm stand on this issue and give Howard the silent treatment. And, if he fails to take the hint, perhaps I will have to defend these ladies and resort to fisticuffs.

    April's most devoted forever lover, Gerald

    P.S.--April my treasure, I notice that you have been largely ignoring my posts. Are you disgusted by me again? Please let me know. I am willing to try on as many personae as it takes to find the one that will cause you to melt like butter on a hot skillet.

     

  • At 10:36 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Hi, Howard. We haven't talked b4 but I'm Marjee's half sister. That would b so cube if u got a bouncing gig here. My cousin works there as a sommelier, I think. I dunno how to spell it, but it has somethin 2 do w/wine. Very classy joint, an' a major place 4 the gay-lesbo-bi-transgender theatre people n Toronto, she says. NEway, u sound all right an' I can ask her 2 put n a good word 4 u.

    An' ur an awesome guitar player, April, no matter what ur hick cousins say. If u work hard at it, u could be the next Canadian guitar hero (or heroine!). Move over Alex Lifeson!

     

  • At 11:12 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Thanks for the advice about your "uncle" Ralph. With my dramatic training, laughing on cue should be no problem.

    The medication I take is an anti-depressant prescribed by my therapist. I was going a little nuts about the possibility of going to jail, so my therapist said it would be a good idea to get the medication. The only downside is that they sort of guess how much you should take based on your body weight and then they adjust the dosage based on your reaction. I was acting really schizoid until they adjusted the dosage. It is not fun to feel out of control like that. I don’t know how your mother can stand to take that stuff. I felt really awful.

    By the by, I need to correct a misconception you seem to have about Elizabeth and the “attack.” This is going to seem odd coming from me. Anyway, if I hadn’t been fake-fighting, Anthony would never have been able to take me. I had to work really hard to make him look good, because he fights like an arthritic grandmother. It’s not easy when a guy is tweaking your ear, to say “Oww” and make those stars come out of your head like it hurts. Elizabeth, on the other hand, hits surprisingly hard. My face still hadn’t healed up when Dennis hit me in the exact same spot last night. Fortunately, when you’re of my orientation, you learn to take a punch pretty early in life. You’re my bud, and I know you could take Elizabeth in a fight, but you would be feeling it afterwards. Trust me.

    Vicki,

    Thank you for the job advice. If the bouncer job at the straight bar doesn’t pan out, I will definitely have you call your cousin. The only problem I can see depends on whether or not news from the GLBTG theatre people travels from Milborough to Toronto. I hope to get to hear April play sometime like you apparently have. Becky says she is really good.

    Talk to you later. I’m off for the job interview,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 11:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I was about to leave for Toronto, when I saw your post come through. So, I have a few quick answers to you before I leave, so you don’t worry about me.

    First, although it is always a good idea to practice good manners, you’re my bud, and you can ask me anything you want.

    The money. The transmission and tire repair on that guy Weed’s car I used was a couple of thousand dollars, which I did not have. Plus, I am pretty sure I am not going to get any severance pay from Lawrence and Nick. I also had a little credit card debt before that car bill came in. Don’t worry. Between your uncle’s job and a second job at night, I should be able to handle it.

    The Opera. Your uncle Ralph and I talked about the Milborough GLBTG Light Opera Company after he told me why it was that Dennis popped me one the other night. I appreciate your suggestion about your “uncle” Mark, but Ralph and I both agree that this is not the time for me to try to get back into light opera or anything involving that community of people. Ralph is taking a lot of bull for even hiring me. Fortunately for me, he loves sticking it to Lawrence. I really owe you for setting me up with him. I mean it when I say you can ask me for anything.

    The dictionary. I’m glad you are learning new things. I am becoming acutely aware of how important it is to have job skills other than music to fall back on.

    Talk to you later,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 2:46 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I'm sleeping over at my aunt and uncle's place tonight instead of driving back to Milborough, so I am posting from their computer. Just thought I would let you know that I got the bouncer job. I start tomorrow night.

    I'm going to be pretty busy working the 2 jobs, but I would love to do "garage opera" with my bud. Do you have a keyboard at your house, so I can play the accompaniment? I know a few 2-person operas that would work. Gian Carlo Menotti's "The Telephone" is what immediately came to mind. It is very funny and it's not too hard and it has a part for a man and a woman. Of course the last time I did it, I sang the woman part. But I can be just like my bud and branch out in my genres.

    Your bud,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 8:32 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, ger. i'll answer u 1st cuz u think i m ignoring u. that's not true, i've just had trub keeping up w/all the comments while the rellies keep wanting 2 whisk me away 2 do a milly things "1 last time". i swear i'll need another vacation 2 recover fr this 1. & they keep tsking, "oh r u on that computer again, april? shut it off get some fresh air!" ne-way, u don't have 2 try 2 b some1 u're not. i have the most fun w/u when u're not so worried & u're just gerald. but pls remember that i'm not a perfect patterson & if u start backing up my mom & taking her side w/everything, that will make my head hurt. & pls, enuf harshing on becky.

    becky & liz, pls stop fighting! u r both cube in yr own way & it soundz like u agree more than u think. let's get back 2 our common ground. elly patterson is a BUTT! & u r totally both coming out for triple-shot lattes w/me, my treat.

    becks, i agree abt learning abt boyz & sex & i'm trying 2 get over my hang ups. it's just not e-z u know?

    . . . i know i haven't answered every1, but unk danny is threatening to pull the plug on this 'puter, so i have 2 run!

    apes

     

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