April's Real Blog

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Grandpa Will Likes Fart Jokes

A horse whispers from both ends? Mmkay. Hey, I like a good fart joke as much as the next person, and they beat the bad puns NE day, but Grandpa Will, it has to make sense! You shoulda heard Laura groan when he said this. So, Unk Danny & Laura are saying I've got this way-special gift w/animals, like The Horse Whisperer, 'cept I'm not all old & wrinkly like Robert Redford. Well, this is all nice 2 hear, U know? But keep in mind that Aunt Bev is a veterinarian, and she knows that on my official bio, I say I might want to study veterinary medicine @ uni 1 of these days. So they're all in2 encouraging that. But the thing is, when Mom made me fill in that questionnaire, I was kinda like, "Oh, I dunno", & I looked over @ the pets & thought, "Well, I like animals, so I might as well write that". Of course, the 1st thing I have listed in that "aspirations" section is to be in a successful band someday. So also they might B trying 2 steer me away fr. that. Who knows?

Well, I haven't even had a time to catch up with the comments for my last post, so I'm gonna do that after I publish this 1. I'll B xtra careful not 2 smudge the monitor in NE way, else Laura will accuse me of kissing the screen again.

Apes out


  • At 9:20 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    yeah apes, it sounds 2 me like ur just scared 2 let ur rents know u r interested in being a professional musician. who can blame u? they're so negative, always putting it down. if u want 2 hide it from them that's kewl but just be true 2 ur dreams. u can be a musician an' have a dog, u know! :)

    ur relatives r really gross it's funny sometimes they're all prudy but they think it's ok to be gross like that so long as a patterson or a richards does it.

    ok gotta go prolly 4 the rest of the day. i m going 2 interview 4 a new gig. i'll give more info later if i get it.

    ttfn, becks

  • At 9:44 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Apes, u r a gr8 musician. MC DunC wants u in his band.

    I havent had time 2 play my bass all summer what with the oldies an' my court case but Ill tune it 2day an' bring it 2 yr place 2morrow so we can jam. OK, my dad says I halfta bring my bass 2morrow 'cos he wants us 2 B loud 'cos hes sick of listening 2 yr dad obsessing over some old comic strip that isnt even funny.

    p.s. Beckers, u r right about Apes relatives they r gross. My 'rents were grossed out by Mikes August letter an' said I couldnt read it. I read it neway. I didnt get the "pork fart" joke.

  • At 9:44 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    good luck, becks, i m sure u will totally get the job!

    yeah, my fam makes no sense. i've given up trying 2 explain them 2 myself, even.

  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, hey, dunc. u musta been posting while i was clicking "submit". yeh, we totally hafta jam. the less we can hear my dad singing his "chugga-choo-choo" songs, the better.

  • At 10:11 AM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…


    Did your mom get those daisies I sent her for her birthday? Sorry they're from the hospital. I told them to send a happy birthday ribbon around the flowers but they said they mostly had "Get Well Soon" and "Condolences on Your Bereavement." The girl sounded new so I hope they didn't mess it up.

    I told your mom to give you a flower from me.


    Gord stopped by this morning and he let me kiss his pinky ring so everything's okay. He just wants a favor from me to "make it right." He says since I spend all this time online talking to teenage girls I should ask them if anyone wants to work at this special event his friend Mr. Shackleford is planning for the grand opening of "The Gig."

    The club is out by the college so they're doing a "back to school" party the weekend the college guys are back. He wants a band of girls in school uniform type tops and skirts to perform (the band has to be all-girl but some of your bandmates are pretty feminine looking so maybe you can do a "Some Like It Hot" thing?). Mr. Shackleford said not to worry about police, lots of them will be at the party so it doesn't get busted and he'll get you fake IDs. In fact, they're not really "fake" IDs because I guess he has a friend down at the licensing bureau who does them on the actual equipment. Mr. Shackleford saw Becky sing at your grad and he says "she's eighteen from the neck down anyway."

    He says you can keep the IDs afterward as part of your fee.

    They're also doing a wet t-shirt contest, the grand prize is C$2000 with the runner up getting C$1000 and all entrants getting C$200. But you guys wouldn't have to do that if you don't want to. But Mr. Shakleford knows the producer of the famous video series "Canookies Gone Wild" and can set up something if Becks or you or any of your other girlfriends would like to make more $$$.

    "The Gig" is a real classy place with mirrors from Italy and fancy real brass poles all the way from Las Vegas. It could really enhance the profile of 4-Evah, plus you could play for all those cool college guys.

    Anyway, if you would do this Gord says he'll forgive me for that post from yesterday and he'll buy me this really cool white hat with a leopard-skin band and an ostrich feather.

  • At 10:17 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    The mind boggles it truly does.

    Yeah Anth, Ma got the flowers. She'll probably be by later to thank you.

  • At 10:31 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    this comment is not directed @ anthony, cuz liz called me up & sed "i forbid u 2 respond 2 that post anthony just did". so there u have it.

  • At 11:35 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well i'll respond 2 it since he's pretty much saying i'd fit rite in at a place called "the gig." anthony u tell gordo an' mr. shackelford that they r old gross pervs an' that i may look like their idea of a gig, but i m not interested in prostituting my body cuz...guess what? I'M NOT A WHORE. sheesh. men. (i don't mean u howie!)

    just when i think i can't hate anthony more...


    p.s.--apes, u shld tell anth that u don't want his trash on ur blog.

  • At 11:37 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I’m glad to see you are at least considering a non-music career. I know at your age, everyone wants to be rock star. Take it from me, sometimes you can find yourself separated from your music and you are powerless to prevent it. It is on these occasions; you may really wish that you had been educated to be a veterinarian, a good job that makes lots of money, so you don’t have to do dirty jobs for people you think are your friends in order to pay the bills.

    I should mention that just because you like horses, doesn’t mean that veterinarian is the best choice for a career. Veterinarians have to stick their hands up places, where people who just like horses don’t have to. There is also rodeo, horse breeding, or just having a regular farm with horses.

    In case you didn’t hear from Becky, I got the job as the bouncer for the bar on Yonge Street in Toronto starting tonight. My uncle and aunt say that I can sleep over at their place after that job since it would be too late to drive back to Milborough. If you hear from Becky about how her interview went, please let me know.

    Oddly enough, my new electrician boss Ralph, says we are going to do some electrical work for some guy named Shackleford at this new club called "The Gig." I have some experience at clubs, but not dealing with electricity, at least not real electricity.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 11:41 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    Dear Wise Anthony,

    How does one go about aquiring one of those "fake" identifications? And how high is the price? I don't make very much money on my paper route. Thank you in advance for the information.

    Don't worry my heavenly little sugar cube. I only want it so that I can register to vote like a responsible citizen. I feel that I am ready. Really.

    Sincerely your lover forever (April's, not Anthony's!), Gerald

    P.S.--I too find fart jokes distasteful. They appeal to the lowest common denominator. The truly sophisticated man has a more genteel sense of humor.

  • At 11:43 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i m so glad u got that job as a bouncer. i didn't get a chance to say so in the comments 2 my last post cuz, as i mentioned, unk danny was threatening to unplug the 'puter. oops, he's calling again. he wants me to do some neil young songs on my guitar.

  • At 11:46 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    OK, that time I was just doing it to annoy Becky. Did it work? :)

  • At 11:47 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, if u r going 2 hack in2 becky's blogger account, u have 2 remember 2 log out when u post as yrself! i think u mite b a little bit obsessed w/becks, 2.

    [ok, unk danny, i'll b rite there! sheesh!]

    oh, & ger, i'd b careful mixing w/anthony & that crowd. they're nuthin' but trub.

  • At 11:49 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i posted b4 i saw yr last response, ger. yeh, u've prolly annoyed becks, but mayb u r a bit 2 good @ that?

  • At 12:02 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh i got so mad at anthony that i forgot 2 tell u all abt my interview.

    ok well this dr named rex morgan called me up. i guess his wife june wuz in lilliputs with her daughter sarah an' mrs. p wuz bitching 2 bea an' moira abt me an' how i got 2 play the bumstead's party she doesn't think it's fair that i did that gig w/o apes (hello it wuz just me and some piano man they hired!!!). neway this happened when howie wuz there with uncle ralph an' howie sed, "oh that's my friend becky you're talking abt, she has a beautiful voice." well he sez mrs. p looked so mad like she wld explode but i guess she wuz speechless cuz mrs. morgan asked me 2 come sing at a garden party she is having 4 labour day. thanx howie!

    it's not as big a job as the b's party. it's just a 1 woman deal me on the keyboard an' singing. an' it's only like 1 hour's work 4 the grownups an' then she asked if i cld do a hour with the kids after doing stuff like camptown races an' skip 2 my lou. i told her the kids time wld be better if i cld bring a guitarist. mrs. m sed it wuz ok. so apes--wld u like 2 come do that with me? i will have 2 pay u out of my salary which isn't a ton she sed she cld pay me $200 for the whole thing. i wuz thinking that's 100 an hour an' u'd be there 4 one of those hours so wld 50 bucks sound fair 2 u? let me know if ur free from 5-7pm on labour day the kids hour should start at like 5:30 but we have 2 set up.

    howie u r such a kewl friend. i feel real bad u r getting me jobs an' i lost u not only ur job but ur music. we shld do some opera singing this weekend.

    talk soon, becks

    p.s.--ger, u annoy me just by breathing

  • At 12:05 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Anthony I stop posting that vile trash on April's blog. I'm just too outraged to say much else. I have half a mind to call Gordo and tell him I have a buddy who works in taxation and if he doesn't lay off you and making you put such information on my underage sister's board, I'm going to call said friend and Gordon will find himself audited.

  • At 12:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becky, i m soooo there! $50 is faboo. we r gonna have so much fun, it'll b awesum! (& i m so proud of u 4 getting this gig.)

    liz as u can c, i am following yr request & not saying ne-thing 2 u know who. but u & becks & every1 else can feel free 2 tell him 2 get bent!

  • At 12:40 PM, Anonymous marjee mahaha said…

    Becky came by the salon today so I could do her hair & makeup for her audition. She looked so pretty! Becks, I knew you'd get the job!

    Anyway, after Becks left, Mrs. P. came into the salon. She obviously didn't remember me without seeing me with Becky, and she started talking to me all slowly and loudly, like some people do when they talk to someone who doesn't speak their language: "Hel-LOOOO!!! MY! NAME! is ELLY! PAT!terson! I! own LILLIPUT'S! The BOOKSTORE! two doors DOWN! It's so NICE! to see they've HIRED! a NATIVE GIRL! here! I've always SAID! this NEIGHBOURHOOD! needs more DIVERSITY!" And on and on like that. As you might know, my birth mom is native, but my birth dad (Becky's dad) is white. You wouldn't know from looking at me that I'm not 100% native, though. So I just stood there as Mrs. P. blathered on & on.

    Mrs. P ended up getting a trim. She was very definite about only wanting a tiny bit off the ends, and then she wanted her hair back up in that uggo bun of hers. She whispered, "It hides my flat head, you know". I thought she said "fat head," 'cause you know, she does kind of have one. But in beaut. sch. they teach us to make clients feel better about themselves, so I said, "Oh, no, Mrs. Patterson, your head isn't that fat." "Not fat, you idi--I mean, you nice native girl! FLAT!" I apologized and assured her that her head is not flat, but she said, "I KNOW the shape of my head, nicenativegirl". Then when she paid me, she counted it out in singles, then added A QUARTER and said, "This is FOR YOU! to spend ON YOURSELF! NICENATIVEGIRL! It's A TIP! She kept looking over her shoulder to see if anyone noticed her being so nice to the little native girl.

    Geez, April, it's a wonder you're as normal as you are.

  • At 12:43 PM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…

    You girls are so misinterpreting this!

    We're talking about "The Gig", not the Roadside. "The Roadside" is old and is kind of a dive (and Miss snotty Becky you'd be surprised who I've cut checks for at The Roadside on amateur night. VERY SURPRISED!), yeah, you get a lot of truckers and tradesmen and dentists in sunglasses and funny striped hats at The Roadside but The Gig is going to be really classy.

    French crystal and imported fur for the champagne rooms, gel spotlights, the lastest in computerized dj stuff. Then there's the "Weed Suite" (we're still working on a name, that's what we're calling it for now) -- it is going to be like nothing this part of Ontario has ever seen, totally top-shelf private parties will be going on back there (it's already up and running, there's been a few late-night functions there already). Built in hot tubs and everything!

    It's not a slag-pit either. Some of the dancers used to work for Cirque do Soleil!

    They're working like crazy trying to finish it up in time for when the students get their scholarships and loans and introductory rate credit cards.

    Liz, you must have Mr. Shakleford and Gordon confused. Gordon is in the Rotary and is a new car dealer. That should speak for itself when it comes to up-and-up business practices. Gordon has nothing to do with The Roadside or the Gig, he hardly ever goes there and when he does he stays in the back office doing liquor inventory.

  • At 12:46 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh heck this is nothing i m gonna get lots of gigs out of the bumstead's party i think. i got another call just now from that mary worth lady who wuz on ur blog a day or so ago. she wants me 2 come sing at this party she's throwing 4 her friend rita who is celebrating like 30 days back on the wagon or something. i guess she wanted a performer who wuz underage an' wouldn't mind that there won't be any booze at the party. i didn't know this but i guess a lot of professional musicians who do parties expect that part of their pay is 2 drink 4 free.

    neway this mrs worth lady is a real snore. she reminds me of ur mom so much apes! but she's got bucks!!! we haven't set a price yet but it sounds like this cld be a big gig. mayb i will need a guitarist on this 1 2 but i don't know what kind of music she wants yet. prolly fogey stuff. i will ask. it wld be kewl 2 have a musician there my age i know i sed i wanted 2 b on my own but it's really lonely 2 play all these adult parties an' have no 1 2 talk 2 my own age.

    do u think ger an' dunc wld get mad at u if u started 2 play some gigs with me now that i'm not in the band nemore?

    gotta go i'm meeting howie 4 lunch


  • At 12:49 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    granthony, a whore is a whore, whether she's wearing fine silk or fishnets an' daisy dukes. i m not selling my body 4 cash i have a real talent i can b proud of.

    u r a total creep! does mrs. p know u get so excited thinking about strip bars?


  • At 12:50 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My friend Anthony,

    The Gig sounds like a truly classy place, where a real gentleman could take his angelic lady friend. How much do you think two fake identifications would cost, and how soon could we get them?

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i wdn't trust granthony (lol) if i were u, 4 all u know he cd be setting u up 2 get in trub 4 buying fake id's. we don't need them ne-way. there all lots of fun places we can go where they don't serve alcohol (or have ballots, lol).

  • At 12:55 PM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…


    I don't know anything about that! All I can say is that you should talk to Jeremy Jones when school is back in session and he'll set it up with Brad Luggsworth.


  • At 1:30 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Howard, that's awesome that u got the bouncing gig on Yonge St! My cousin Juliet sez you'd b a great fit 4 Alleycatz, so if u have a night free an' want 2 earn extra cash an' network w/Toronto theatre people I'll tell her. The only downside is that the bar mitzvahs can get kinda wild, she tells me.

    I also told Juliet 'bout The Roadside (All together, Liz, Apes, Becks an' Marjee: eeewwww!). She said she got wind of a club openin' on the west side of Toronto called "Hangin' High" that's also owned by this Shackleford dude. Real sleeze. He came n2 Alleycatz one night. He reeked of Adidas Moves an wore a shiny blue shirt an' a gold medallion an' had more gel in his hair than Victoria Gotti's sons. At least he left after having 2 appletinis.

    I think we're better off hangin' out n coffee houses 4 fun. April an' Becks could get musical gigs an' build a fan base at those kinda places!

  • At 3:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, & i 4got to say b4: becks, i'd totally b in2 playing my guitar 4 yr singing jobs. i don't have 2 ask gerald & duncan 4 permission. the way i look @ it, lots of bands have members doing side projects. it's gd 4 the creative energy.

    vicks, i think u r rite abt sticking w/coffee shops. i'd rather play 4 peeps who r hopped up on caffeine than drunk as a skunk, know what I mean?

  • At 3:15 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky is really looking forward to playing the Morgan kids party with you. She told me all about it when her uncle Ralph and I picked her up for lunch when we took our break from doing the electrical work at “The Gig.” The Morgans have a reputation for being good folks and are known to be really classy. I was happy to endorse Becky to them. However, if Becky asks you to play the Mary Worth party with you, I must warn you to not, under any circumstances, bring up your private life with Mrs. Worth, no matter how many times she asks you. She is a known busy-body. My great-grandfather Augustus Kelpforth got burned by Apple Mary (her old name) 70 years ago and the Kelpforth family still talks about it.

    I know your mom might get in the way of you doing the party with Becky, but if you can do it, it would mean a lot to me. Let me explain. When Becky got together with Elizabeth for triple shots a few days ago, Elizabeth told her that when Patterson kids come back from the farm, it totally messes up their close relationships. I know Elizabeth means well and was just trying to give Becky a friendly warning; but that story really bothered Becky. Becky does her tough girl act on this Blog, so she won’t tell you this herself, but she is afraid that the things that happened during your grad and you being on the farm have messed up your friendship with her. If it is at all possible for you to do the Morgan party with her, I would greatly appreciate it.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:29 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Vicki Simone,

    Thanks for the job reference. As a matter-of-fact, the club on Yonge Street only needs me for Thursday to Monday. So if you could ask your cousin Juliet if the Alleycatz place has a need for a bouncer on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I would be in your debt. Your description of Mr. Shackleford is spot on, although you forgot to mention his tight-fitting, lavender, polyester pants. I saw him auditioning dancers here at “The Gig.” I’m still here doing electrical work with Becky’s uncle Ralph, and posting on a break. I have a story to post after we get done working. I am waiting to hear back from Becky whether or not she got her mother’s permission for me to come over to her place after work and do some “Garage Opera” before I have to drive to Toronto for work tonight.

    Howard Kelpforth

  • At 3:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i dunno why being @ the farm messed up liz's & mike's friendships, but becks, u don't have 2 worry abt that w/me. i can c why gerald wd b worried, since i did spend a lot of time w/steve (sorry 2 bring that up again, ger, i kno it's a sore subj). ne-way, i totally want 2 play both of the gigs. there's a gd chance my mom will try 2 stop me, but i'm getting pretty gd @ dealing w/her in these kinds of sitch's. @ least i think i am. thanx 4 being so concerned, howard. i kno u r being a gd friend.


  • At 3:53 PM, Anonymous Lawrence Poirier said…


    I am shocked to find you still posting to Howard Kelpfroth. Have you no respect for your sister? Have you gone insane? This man attacked and injured Liz. Your own family has told you about how Anthony protected Liz from this animal, and yet, I find you here still posting to him after I warned you not to yesterday. Let me tell you something. If I find you posting here again to Howard Kelpfroth, I will personally make sure that your mother and father know what you are doing. They will put a stop to this, if you are not mature enough to stop yourself.

    Lawrence Poirier

  • At 4:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, cd u pls tell lawrence 2 can it? i useta think u were pretty cube, lawrence, but u r being a real butt rite now.

    btw, i was playing with some recording equipment 1 day when u were @ yr mom's telling her xactly how u feel abt elly patterson, aka "that fat-ass, meddlesome, full-of-herself, punkin-nose, shit-for-brains jelly fatterson". i'd b happy 2 play it 2 her sumday. or i cd 4get where i keep it & all the backup copies i keep in many diff places.



  • At 6:25 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Anthony, Spritz it with all the high class perfum you want and it still is trash and it stinks. Plus you are encouraging my sister to do something illegal and I highly resent that.

    Lawrence it's no use trying to talk to them. They have concrete proof that Howard "went after" me. But they seem to like his alabi and Howard has ingratiated himself very deeply with Becky. They are suffering from a twisted form of Patterson Disorder believing that the Patterson spurned is good and twisting around to their own ends. You're going to have to provide good concrete evidence that Howard is the bad seed you accuse him of, even then Howard has them so wrapped up in his story that they'll simply believe you doctored evidence. The only way they are going to believe you is if Howard betrays himself to be what you accuse. You're posts here are only going to rile them up.

    I appreciate you caring about me. I appreciate that Anthony came to my aid. But I'm a big girl Lawrence I can take care of myself. Besides I'll be up in Mtig soon, away from all this. I do ask that you keep a good eye on my sister and her friend, and should they need it help them. People have to do things their own way and learn their own lessons. Besides, I'm used to not being cared about anyway so though their disloyalty toward me hurt at first, but I'm all right now.

  • At 6:39 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    By the way I'll add how things are being twisted against me here. It serves Becky's purposes well, and Howard is really playing up to it.

    I did not tell Becky anything of the kind Howard! I told her that coming back from the farm messed up friendships for Mike and myself because those friends moved on without us. I told Becky that April is lucky that's not going to happen in her case.

    April I'll talk to you later. I'm going to take a break from your blog for awhile.

  • At 7:32 PM, Anonymous Sgt. Renforth, RCMP Millborough said…

    It has recently come to the local detachment's attention that several persons of interest have been communicating here, and I, er, the detachment, would like to say to Mr. Anthony Caine, if he indeed is posting here on this "bulletin board," that we of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police can help him with his "paternal leave" problems if he co-operates with us in our investigation of Gordon "Gordon" Mayes in Operation Navette. His wife has been very helpful in answering our questions and if we can get some information from Mr. Caine I may be able to get transferred out of this one-Starbucks town and say goodbye to toy-train-related crime.

  • At 8:05 PM, Anonymous lawrence poirier said…


    I have known you for years and I cannot believe what you just wrote to me. Patterson Disorder? What the bejeezus is that? I can’t believe you are suggesting that I have to provide good concrete evidence against Howard. My evidence is your own testimony to the events that occurred. The bruises you sustained across your chest and hands. Plus, Anthony Caine has corroborated your own story that he saved your ungrateful neck. The other men at Lakeshore Landscaping saw Howard running from the front desk at the time you said he attacked you. How could I possibly have doctored that evidence? Why would April need any more evidence than that? More importantly, why should I keep a good eye on your sister and her friend, when you do not even have the guts to press charges?

    By the way, tell your sister April, when Howard Kelpfroth has his hands around her throat, she will not care what kind of recordings she has of me sitting around. You Pattersons are crazy. I wash my hands of the whole lot of you.

    Lawrence Poirier

  • At 8:38 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I just got finished with doing electrical work with your uncle Ralph at “The Gig.” They are installing a lot of lights, so we may be working there several days. While we were there this strange thing happened. Ralph went off to talk to Mr. Shackleford about some of the lighting logistics, and while he was gone, this girl who had been auditioning comes over to talk to me. She was wearing a sort of a school uniform type of outfit. So she sits down next to me and says, “Hi I’m Kortney. What’s your name?” I told her my name and I said, “Do your work here?” She said, “Not yet. But it’s pretty much in the bag.” I said, “How do you know that?” She said, “Well, the only women in Milborough that want to be pole-dancers have oddly-shaped noses or are French.” I said, trying to avoid looking at her nose, “So you’re French?” She said, “No, but I can do some French stuff to you, if you like.” I tried to change the subject, “So, have you been in town long?” She said, “I’ve been around awhile. Before here, I used to work at this bookstore in town, but I got fired from that job. It’s been hard to get work ever since. That navet-nosed ninny has blackballed me all around town.” Having heard the phrase before, I said, “Navet-nose? You must be talking about Lilliput’s.” Kortney looked a little surprised, and then I told her the birthday story from my posts yesterday. She thought it was pretty funny, and then said “I am so glad I don’t work there anymore. The owner was never there, and then she would send her spy in to work after school and tell on all the other employees.” I said, “Did her spy report on you?” Kortney said, “She did, but she wasn’t good enough a spy to catch the real crook in that store. The lady who runs the store wants to own it really bad, and is doing all she can to make the owner sell. I knew what she was up to, but when the owner went on vacation, the first thing she did was fire me for stealing. I actually was stealing. But you know what they say, 'It takes a crook to know a crook.'” At this point she was leaning in really close to me, but was interrupted by Ralph, who said in a loud voice, “He’s gay, Kortney.” Kortney said, “Well I can fix that.” Then she stuck her tongue someplace where I would rather it not have gone. Ralph pulled me back to work, and glared at Kortney the whole rest of the time we were there. She was one weird lady.

    That’s all for now,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yup, howard, that's definitely the kortney who used 2 work 4 my mom. fyi, that "spy" was me. i caught kortney goofing off & she threatened 2 hurt me if i sed ne-thing 2 ma. my grampa jim convinced me 2 tell.

    i'm not sure what 2 think abt what kortney told u. i heard she's very bitter abt moira firing her. when k. was fired, liz's friend shawna marie was having drinks @ the Biergarten. she saw kortney get shit-faced drunk & heard her go on & on abt how if it weren't 4 "that nosy moira", she'd still have a job. & she sed she'd find a way 2 get back @ her & make her go thru the same things moira just made her go thru.

  • At 10:07 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Sure thing! Anything 2 get u away from the Gig, an' the rough trade there....yuck! I just spoke 2 Juliet, so u can start next Tuesday if u are free. U can even take swing dance lessons if u want, even tho that's so 1998....LMAO

    I know what u mean, Apes. A crowd of college kids hopped up on espresso is much better 2 think about than a drunken mosh pit!

  • At 10:56 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Omigod Apes an Liz I didn't tell u about the encounter w/ur mom this afternoon. I met up w/Marjee on my break from my bo-ring library job. Me an' Marjee were walking down 2 the Starbucks on her break from the salon, an' Mrs. P was headed our way. "Why hello again, NICE NATIVE GIRL!" she said 2 Marjee n this major phony sweet an' slow voice. "And WHO are YOU?" she asked me, gettin' all bug eyed. "Oh, I'm Vicki Simone, Marjee's other half sister. It's nice to meet you. MARJEE said u are very sweet," which I said more 2 remind her that Marjee has a name!

    The whole idea of having a half-sibling must've confused her or something, 'cause she muttered something about no disgraceful blended families bein' in the Patterson or Richards family trees. "What were you trying to say?" Marjee asked, and then Mrs. P said something about the oak trees havin' a beautiful blend of leaves and told us 2 have a great Saturday. Ur mom was being weird, but my mom was 2 when going thru menopause, so I understand!

  • At 11:53 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh wow tons has happened 2day an' i missed it all.

    first howie i want 2 say how sorry i m that i didn't get 2 call u 2 come over 2 do an opera 2day. mrs. worth called me up around 11 an' told me 2 come over 2 her place 4 "a luncheon party 2 discuss the other party" at 12 noon sharp. she lives at this place called charterstone it's just a apartment building but the way she talks abt it u'd think it wuz some kind of mansion. they do have a pool but it's not really that great. neway, she served me some weird stuff like cold cucumber soup an' a salad that looked an' tasted like weeds in a bowl an' also a weird pie she called "quiche" (i had 2 look up the spelling) that had spinach in it i never had neone try 2 feed me so many veggies in 1 meal ever not even mrs. p.

    nehow, it wuzn't just us 4 lunch it wuz that rita lady an' some man i am supposed 2 call "mr. jeff" (i think he's boning mrs. worth but that's ok her husband is dead rita told me). an' i kept having 2 get introduced 2 other people who live at the apartments she kept acting like every1 who lives there is so important even tho they're not. mrs. worth is just a retired teacher an' even tho she sez her dead husband left her "quite well 2 do" she sure doesn't dress like it. she wuz wearing some ugly t-shirt an' a denim skirt that was stone wash so u know she's had it since 1985.

    if this all sounds boring u r rite. it took 2 hours just to get through lunch an' since it was all just weeds an' stuff i wuz hungry again in like 10 minutes. lucky 4 me that mrs. worth has afternoon tea at 4:30. yeah i wuz still there at 4:30 an' we still hadn't hardly talked about music 4 the party!!! we were just blabbing with other people all day an' it wuz really annoying cuz we cld see people playing in the pool (we were in the backyard) an' i really wished i cld join them but i couldn't i had 2 listen to the old bag blab.

    4tunately, i wuz all prepared 4 the situation. howie taught me all about tea parties an' what forks 2 use with what an' so i wuz all prepared. mrs. worth sed she wuz impressed but that backfired a little cuz she spent most of "luncheon" going on an' on about how young people 2day come frum such bad homes where they don't learn good manners. i almost told her i learned it frum my friend howie, but then i knew she wld want 2 talk abt my parents an' howie warned me abt telling her my business. so i just smiled an' nodded. i got good at that frum many years of listening 2 mrs. p go on an' on when i would eat over their house! so i wuz set.

    nehow, we had tea, an' mrs. worth wuz blabbing on an' on about how rita had 2 hurry up an' get on with her life cuz mr. jeff is "getting impatient for rita 2 move out" an' then mr. jeff nudged my shin under the table an' winked at me like hinting he wuz wanting 2 bone mrs. worth an' i almost barfed.

    so the maid comes 2 clear the tea dishes an' now it's like 6 an' we still haven't picked songs or nething all mrs. worth had sed wuz that she didn't want ne of that "newfangled garbage that u young people like nowadays." so i asked her 2 name some of her fave songs. it took her like 45 minutes to tell me the name of one an' then try 2 sing it an' then make mr. jeff sing along with her an' then she tried 2 get rita 2 sing it an' she didn't know the words an' mrs. worth started to lay into her about neglecting her education in the arts an' man i got a headache that wuz screaming 4 one of mom's vicodin!

    so around 7 or so i tell mrs. worth real polite like that i have "a pressing dinner engagement 2 attend with a very important man named mr. howard." (mrs. w sed something abt a "dinner engagement" during lunch an' so i picked up the idea then.) she said she understood but that backfired she wanted 2 know all about what kind of dinner engagement it wuz an' who wuz mr. howard an' what line of work wuz he in an' wuz he a "worthy young man" an' where wuz the engagement an' "oh i hope you're not going 2 the sheffield club the food is dreadful an' the service has been abyssmal ever since the new management took over--haitians u know!" i made up a bunch of lies but the questions kept coming an' coming.

    i wuz just abt 2 scream 4 mercy when all of a sudden out of nowhere mrs. worth's long-lost crippled grandson dennie showed up an' mrs. worth sed "u really must excuse me miss becky, i haven't seen my grandson in 70 years an' we have a lot 2 discuss." that seemed weird cuz dennie only looks like he's abt 20. maybe she only means like 7 years but it feels like 70 when ur hanging with mrs. worth by the pool at charterstone--? u guyz figure it out cuz i m totally worn out.

    so howie i m totally sorry 2 have missed u 2nite.

    i m 2 tired 2 respond 2 most of the other stuff u guyz have sed here 2day but i need 2 throw out a question 2 the group cuz i'm clueless an' i hope u all can help. mrs. worth sez that i need 2 buy an ecru linen suit bcuz all proper young ladies need an ecru linen suit to wear to the luncheon parties i will have 2 attend 2 plan my "engagements." where can i get one of these? also, do i really need one?

    i m thinking that i can save myself a lot of trouble if i just don't take nemore gigs from people who live at charterstone or who know mrs. worth. only she's such a blabbermouth that if i do a good job they will prolly make my phone ring off the hook. so it's hard 2 know what 2 hope for on this gig.

    apes, mrs. worth says that she does not care for guitar music but that she is hiring a string quartet 2 back me up. i sed i might need a percussionist or a harpist an' she sed that sounded "divine." so do u know how 2 play the harp? i thought mayb cuz it has strings. or u cld just ding a triangle. pleeze don't make me go 2 this boring ass party alone!

    ok gotta crash i m turning into a bigger blabbermouth then mary worth.


  • At 1:14 AM, Blogger howard said…


    There’s no need to apologize for not calling. I am actually very proud of you for getting out of the Mary Worth meeting in less than one day. I’ve known people who went to a dinner party with Mary Worth and were stuck there for weeks. As it turns out, I have an ecru linen suit, which I have used only for a costume. I would have to take it in and hem it up for you, but you are welcome to it.

    When you didn’t call, I did get worried and went over to your place to check and see if there was any trouble with an “uncle” or someone like that. I had an interesting visit with your mother that I should tell you about. When I got to your place, I knocked on the door, and your mom answered it. She was wearing a bathrobe and slippers and was pretty much looped out of her head. “Who the fudge are you?” She said. I told her my name and mentioned that you and I planned to do some music in your garage, and that you hadn’t called, so I got worried. She told me you had gone to visit with Mary Worth, so I immediately knew why you hadn’t called. Then your mother said, “You’re that opera guy that Becky talks about. She’s says you’re gay.” I responded that it is correct that I do not have the societally-accepted orientation. Well, then your mother says, “I don’t know if I can trust you with my Becky Wecky. Let’s see if you pass the gay test.” She then opened up her bathrobe and displayed pretty much everything a woman can display. I must have had an appropriately horrified look, because then she said, “Well, Howard, I guess you really are gay. Well I can fix that.” She then put her tongue in a place where I would rather not have tongues placed. I thanked her for her kind welcome, and beat a path for Toronto as fast as I could. Next time I go to your house Becky, I will call first and make sure you are there.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:53 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg howie i m mortified. an' so sorry. mom is totally wacked out on vicodin i gave her like twice as much as usual b4 i left 4 mary worth's place cuz i knew i might b awhile an' i can't leave the pills with her what with her addiction history an' all. of course i didn't know i wld be gone so long so she wuz prolly just coming out of a fog when u saw her. though she is kind of like that when she's sober too.

    don't worry abt the suit howie. i m a size 4 petite an'...well...i m guessing that u shop at big n' tall? taking it in won't work. i'll just wait an' see what happens.

    omg just thought of something--what do u think mary worth thinks is appropriate 2 wear 2 sing at a party celebrating the recovery/kicking out of the apartment of an alcoholic?!? i don't want 2 call an' ask cuz i can't afford 2 spend that many of my cell phone minutes.

    ideas please!


  • At 2:11 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Don't worry about the original size. I've done a lot of theatre costume work. Not to brag, but I can do wonders with a needle and thread. When we get together to do "Garage Opera," I can take your measurements so the fit will be right.

    You have to understand the mind of Mary Worth. You have to be wearing an ecru linen suit. If she does not see that you have taken her advice on what to wear, then you are going to get more advice than you can handle. My great grandfather Augustus Kelpfroth made that exact same mistake, and it cost him dearly. I think you have seen enough of Mary Worth to know that I am not kidding.

    Let me know when we can get together,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:12 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    yes but she sed the ecru linen suit wuz 4 luncheons an' this party is an evening white tie affair. mrs. worth gave me a copy of emily post's book 2day at luncheon (don't call it "lunch" in front of mrs. worth!) an' told me 2 memorize "the relevant parts" b4 the party. i don't know what that is so i guess i hafta memorize it all. i just started reading it cuz rita spilled her iced tea on it at luncheon an' i had 2 dry it out first. rita's hands are so shaky i don't think she is over the DTs yet which is a sign she's not really done recovering i wonder if mr. jeff is really that eager to bone mrs. worth that they can't even wait 4 rita 2 dry out all the way? i don't really wanna know but it's hard not 2 think abt it especially when u r trapped at a luncheon table with those peeps 4 almost 10 hours an' the talk is all about either manners or their personal lives. (also, why can't mr. jeff an' mrs. worth bone while rita is there? an' how come i don't hafta call rita "miss rita"? is it bcuz drunks don't deserve respect? or is it punishment for swan smashing? i m so confused!)

    neway i m reading the book now abt white tie dress an' it sez it is the most formal a floor-length ball gown an' jewels r required. no prob on the jewels i can wear the big ol' cubic zirconia earrings mom bought off QVC last year they're like 3 carats each so big they stretch my earlobes out when i borrow them. but i don't have a floor-length ball gown. also i don't want 2 buy the wrong dress. mrs. worth went on an' on abt how girls these days have no modesty an' r dressed like strumpets and slatterns. i looked those words up in my fave dictionary an' that basically translates 2 "whores an' sluts." mrs. worth must have a more discriminating eye 4 fashion then me cuz i think whores an' sluts dress alike. neway, i'm worried that i will buy the wrong dress an' mrs. worth will blow a gasket. she sed she thought the blond lady toby is a harlot just cuz she wears skirts above the knee. an' toby is mrs. worth's good friend!!!

    well lucky 4 me howie warned me abt mrs. worth's morals so b4 i went 2 the luncheon meeting i went thru some bags of my dead grandma's old clothing that mom has but never gave 2 goodwill. i wore a real frumpy dress from there an' mrs. worth sed she thought it wuz a "testament 2 my good breeding" whatever that means but grandma didn't have a ballgown so now i m stumped.

    i looked at some online catalogs 4 senior citizens an' i'm worried that even their dresses r 2 strumpet-ish 4 mrs. worth's tastes. apes an' howie i think u cld prolly give the best advice on what wld be best howie knows mrs. worth an' apes has 2 pleeze her dumb old hag mom who is almost as bad as mrs. worth.

    thanx, becks

    p.s.--ok i m still confused abt the whole mrs. worth an' mr. jeff an' rita thing cuz cldn't mrs. worth an' mr. jeff just go bone at his place? i tried 2 look the etiquette 4 this up in emily post but she sez nothing abt it. mayb that's why mrs. worth an' mr. jeff don't know how 2 deal? they both seem very hung up on using emily post as a life model. i really wish i cld figure out the answer cuz it's keeping me awake an' it's a pretty gross thing 2 keep having 2 think about.

    also, mrs. worth has some pretty bad helmet hair.

  • At 7:45 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, how about my dress from grad? that wuz a floor-length gown! i don't know what i wuz thinking. i know it's bare-shouldered, but ma has a bunch of shawls, i cd swipe 1 out 4 u.

    vicki, that is so embarrassing abt my mom, & so like her! & marjee, i m soooo sorry abt that "nicenativegirl" stuff.

  • At 7:49 AM, Anonymous marjee mahaha said…

    becky, howard came by the shop & said that when you guys get together to sing opera, he wants me & maynard to be there too. with all the doubt lawrence is causing about him, he wants there to be some other "adult presence", including a muscly, protective man. so let me know when u want to do this thing, so we can work it all out.


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