The Phunny Pages
Isn't it weird how one moment my mom will be attending Dagwood and Blondie Bumstead's big anniversary party, and in another moment, my dad will be sitting around, reading the funnies, and talking about how much he loves reading Blondie? & he feels as thought he knows "these people"? It's enough 2 make your head explode. Next thing you know, you'll read a Blondie strip where the Bumsteads are reading a strip about us, and they just adore it, except they hate how those blasted Pattersons always seem to be laughing with their tongues hanging out, or making hideous puns. If my dad had his way, the funnies would totally be replaced by the punnies. Well, some days, I guess they pretty much are, NEway.
Well, you know, it must be pretty weird having a strip based on yr life. Blondie told my mom it can be pretty stressful.
Gotta fly, peeps, cuz I have 2 do some back-2-school shopping. Since we have 2 wear uniforms this year, Becks & I wanna buy some hott accessories 2 help us stand out
Cya, Apes
Well, you know, it must be pretty weird having a strip based on yr life. Blondie told my mom it can be pretty stressful.
Gotta fly, peeps, cuz I have 2 do some back-2-school shopping. Since we have 2 wear uniforms this year, Becks & I wanna buy some hott accessories 2 help us stand out
Cya, Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:00 AM
11 Comments:
At 9:23 AM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, dad gets really weird whenever he reads the comix. I kinda smile when i see 1 that's funnee, but he just lololol @ every single 1, with his tongue sticking out like he's having a bad reaction 2 medication. he even duz this w/the comix that r'nt supposta b funnee.
At 11:25 AM,
howard said…
April,
Last night, I saw something at the Yonge Street bar where I work as the bouncer that I thought you needed to know. While I was working, I heard the noise of 2 women fighting who had those kinds of sounds to their voices that I knew could escalate into something more serious. As I approached the noise, I saw a young blonde lady who had clearly been overdoing the collagen lip injections. Her lips were so big; they were flapping every time she moved her head, more so when she talked. The other lady I recognized immediately as your sister Elizabeth. This freaked me out, so I hid myself behind the bar where she couldn’t see me.
Anyway, the lip lady was yelling at Elizabeth for something about how she had been home all summer and had not come once to visit Robin Hood and his Merry Men. I could have that part wrong. When you have big lips like that, it messes up your enunciation. Then Elizabeth yelled about how she was attacked and expected them to visit her. Then the lip lady shouted about how they were too busy with dealing drugs at some nude beach. Then Elizabeth jumped in with what I took to be some sort of prepared speech, because she called it “10 Ways Why A Cat Is Better Than A Patterson.” I didn’t catch all of it, but it ended with “A cat doesn’t care more about a burnt casserole butt than its daughter. A cat will visit its sister in Milborough, if its sister has been attacked.” Then Elizabeth burst into tears and ran out of the bar. The lip lady started crying too, and it was kind of scary to see her lips move around like they had a life of their own.
Behind the bar, it was kind of hard to hear all this clearly. I just mention it so that you can ask Elizabeth about it, and maybe get her side of the story, if she feels up to it.
Concerned,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 11:52 AM,
April Patterson said…
howard, that blonde u saw is our brother mike's wife dee. their kids r merrie (girl) & robin (boy). liz wuz planning 2 go visit them this summer, but thingz haven't gone as she expected. as 4 the "drug dealing", dee is a pharmacist. as a joke she sumtymz refers 2 that as "drug dealing". it alwayz makes mike laff w/his tongue out. the "nude beach" thing is a joke abt merrie taking off her fancy new clothes @ the beach.
i will ask liz abt the incident w/dee.
At 4:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
Greetings to all,
I have something to confess. I have been doing something bad since I was on this blog the last time, and I think I'd better get it out in the open before someone else tells April about it.
All of the talk about that new bar "The Gig" got me very curious about it. I went over to Dunc's house and asked him if he'd like to go with me to check it out. I was surprised at how fast he agreed. We hitched a ride down there and found out that they were holding auditions for new dancers.
The bouncer told us that for "a C note," we could buy two fake IDs and watch the auditions. I didn't know what that meant, but Dunc whipped out a crisp $100 bill and suddenly, we were inside. A waitress came to take our drink order. I was shocked to see she was topless! Dunc told me to "get with the program" and ordered us each something called a "Long Island iced tea." I told him I thought it was a good plan for us not to try to get beer because we still needed to hitch home later, but he told me to shut up.
So we drank our iced tea and watched the auditions. Everything seems to blur together after that, so I will try to keep it all straight, but it's hard. Dunc says I had my mouth open through all the auditions. That's probably true. I never saw anything like that before. I couldn't tell whether I thought it was really cool or really gross. Maybe some of both.
Dunc didn't seem too surprised though. He would yell encouragement to some of the girls, about their body parts or about a particular move they did. Some of the girls seemed to know him. They called him "MC Dunc." One of the girls turned out to be that Kortney girl who was so mean to my April. She came over and she and Dunc started making out right in front of me. That grossed me out, so I got up and tried to leave. I had some trouble walking, though, so I sat back down and waited for them to finish. I suspect those iced teas were spiked because I felt quite woozy.
After that, Dunc and Kortney wanted to leave. We went out to Kortney's car, and she said that she would drive us back to Milborough. Since I could tell that Dunc and Kortney were sweet on each other, I offered to let him sit up front with her. To my surprise, Dunc told me to "get in the front seat and shut up." So I did. Then Kortney got into the back seat too, and I was confused. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was going to "see if what they say about black men is true." I didn't really know what she was talking about, so I just decided to wait patiently.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, I was waking up on the front lawn of my parents' house, and it was nighttime. I don't know how long I was laying there, but it must have been awhile because the grass was mashed down real good. I went inside to try to go to bed, but my dad stopped me. He wanted to know why I was so late getting back from learning accounting with Mr. Caine--that was what I told him I was going to go do. I told him that I learned about the importance of "leveraging your assets," which was something Mr. Shackelford kept telling the girls who were auditioning for him. That seemed to satisfy him, and so I went upstairs and went to sleep. I only just woke up like an hour ago. I'm almost positive those iced teas had beer in them or something.
April, I am telling you this because I don't want anyone else to spill the beans on me. I was just curious about that club. Mr. Caine made it sound so interesting. I had no idea how depraved it was. I never thought I'd see a girl do things like that until our wedding night, my precious pumpkin.
Yours sincerely but with a terrible hangover, Gerald
At 4:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ca-va? I theenk la Deanna is just tres stressed right now Elizabeth, so I would take what she says weeth a grain of le...spice, or whatever les anglophones say!
Deanna tells me she's trying to do so much, with le pharmacie and family, et last night she had a scare with Michel. He looked like he was having a seizure weeth his tongue hanging out, but he was just laughing at the one of le Kids in the Hall Season 2 episodes. Men in dresses equals instant comedy, bien sur!
At 4:55 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I read your post and I’m coming over in a few minutes. I just have to gather together my gowns and wigs and some music. You have a keyboard, right? I am really looking forward to introducing you to opera. I am also glad you found a dress. However, I must admit I am distressed at the thought of you shopping with Mary Worth. Please be careful. Before I see you, there is something I desperately need to get your opinion on. You are my bud, and I trust you to tell me the truth.
I just got off from working at “The Gig” with your uncle Ralph and once again another strange thing happened with Kortney Krelbutz. Ralph and I were taking our lunch break, when Kortney came over to us and said, “Howard Kelpfroth. I’ve learned all sorts of things about you since our little talk yesterday.” Ralph barked out, “Kortney, leave Howard alone.” Kortney was cool as a cucumber sandwich, and said, “Give it a rest, Ralph. Howard is a big boy. If anything, I should be nervous around him.” Ralph just glared, and Kortney went on, “Howard, I heard that you attacked a Patterson, and I like any man who attacks a Patterson. Not only that, but I think you are going to get away with it. Pattersons never press charges. I know that firsthand.” At this point, Kortney puts her hair up into a bun and scrunches up her nose and says, “That our former employee had to suffer the indignities of fingerprinting and a police record is enough punishment. I doubt she'll be able to get a job in our insular community.” Kortney went on, “The rumor is that you even have that brat April Patterson believing you are a naïve innocent gay man. I’ve heard you are an actor, Howard, and you must be awfully good to fool April. But you don’t fool me. People think I’m a thief, but the real truth is that when I see something I like I take it.” At this point, Kortney moved faster than I could react, and once again that tongue of hers was sticking in that part of my body that shouldn’t have tongues in it. She looked at me somewhat expectantly, and then walked off saying, “You’re mine Howard. You just don’t know it yet.”
As she was leaving, Ralph said to me, “Sorry, Howard. You’re kind of new to Milborough. After awhile you’ll get used to that kind of behaviour.” I said, “What are you talking about?” Ralph said, “This is going to sound kind of strange, but for some reason the straight men in Milborough have the strength sapped out of them. You saw that guy Anthony. He’s only 24 years old. But, gay men are immune. If a woman in this town wants kids, she has to marry her childhood sweetheart.” I responded, “It doesn’t affect gay guys?” Ralph said, “The whole community relies on gay men for heavy labor and if the older single women want to look good at a social occasion or a wedding, they have to use a gay guy.” I said, “So what is this thing about the tongues? Aside from Kortney, Becky’s mom used one on me last night.” Ralph said, “This is going to sound even stranger. That tongue thing is supposed to convert you from being gay to being straight.” I laughed out loud, until I realized that Ralph was serious. “There is a well-known lady in Milborough who used that method to convert her gay friend. As the story goes, she was standing close to him, when he made a particularly funny pun. While she was laughing, her tongue accidentally slipped into that same spot where Kortney just stuck hers. The next thing you know they are married and making babies.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Her tongue stuck out while she was laughing! Who does that?” Ralph said, “I know the lady and I’ve seen it happen.” Ralph continued on, “When I was younger, the Milborough girls were sticking me with their tongue all the time. Now that I’m older, it doesn’t happen as much. I also make it a point to never do electrical work in retirement homes. Sorry, Howard, but it is just a fact of life for a Milborough gay man.”
That’s the whole story, Becky. It left me pretty shaken. Do you know anything about this stuff?
Very concerned,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 5:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, ger, so that explainz y dunc wuz acting so funny when he & his dad came by 2day. his dad & my dad were playin' their choo-choo gamez & dunc & i were jamming, but dunc kept messing up his bass part. he looked really tired & i asked him if he wuz ok. he sed, "better than yr bf prolly is today", but wdn't tell me what he meant. 'cept he sed "gerald's so stoopid he duzn't know a long island iced tea has alcohol in it!"
he didn't tell me nething abt kortney. i guess he knew i'd b grossed out. ew, dunc.
ger, i think what u did was stupid & u r lucky u got home ok. i'm not mad, but i think u need 2 b careful.
becky, i m going 2 try 2 sneak out & see the garage opera. my mom is watching some boring old documentary, so she mite not notice. oh, & i 4got 2 answer u abt the harp. i've nev. played harp b4, but our neighbour carol enjo has 1 & she sed she'd teach me how 2 play. isn't that cube?
also, now i know why my mom made sum weird comment abt how it was nice that u tried 2 b friendz w/"nice native girls" but u were taking it so seriously u thought u were related 2 them. she's such a freak. sorry, becks, vicks, & marjee.
At 5:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, becks, i think i can alter the dress w/all the practice i've had sewing little outfits 4 my dad's train ppl & my g'pa will's rocks. mayb @ the party we'll find out what u want 2 know by listening 2 what others have 2 say. even if we don't gossip about that stuff, i'll bet there r guests who will!
oh, & can u believe that kortney thinks our urban legend about the licking is true? i remember 1x when she wuz still working @ the store, lawrence & nick came by 2 buy sum landscaping & gardening books. she tried the "tongue" trick on BOTH of them, lol!
well, i'll c u soon. dunc & i r on our way over. ger sez he's still sick & can't leave his room.
apes
At 6:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
What a day! You guys probably won't hear much from me until next weekend when "The Gig" has it's official grand opening/Back to School party.
I have a guardian angel and her name is Elly Patterson. Don't believe me? Listen to this:
Gordon and Weed stopped by the hospital right after they gave me lunch today. Gordon was REALLY pissed off, now from the above post I see why. I could tell he was in a bad mood and said "Hi Gord, how's it hangin?" to try and lighten things up.
"Right where I left them," he said. Weed had a new bunch of pics from the club, he's doing photo sets of some of the girls. We looked through his "special portfolio." Weed was talking about how much Mike likes some of them, I guess Mike totally Bogarts the folio and stares at them forever and goes on and on about the creative texture and lighting and so on, Weed practically has to force him to even turn a page. I flipped through it pretty fast, because there's only one woman I'm really interested in.
Then I told Gord about how I was getting word out about what a great place the Gig is going to be and he totally flipped out! I think he might be bipolar or something. Makes me nervous that he has a key to the house -- not that I'll probably ever be there again.
"Are you the one who told those little snotnoses to come? Weed, last night is this punk's fault!"
Weed put this little rubber doll in his hand. He held it up so I could see and then he totally smashed the thing's head with his fist. Gordon started going into me about some kids getting into the club, which didn't bother him so much except they didn't drink enough and they were lousy tippers and he doesn't want that kind of trash hanging out in his -- or Shakleford's, that is -- sophisticated club, plus they kind of creeped the girls out, who were supposed to meet high-rollers, not kids whose balls hadn't dropped yet.
Gord grabs me and yells something like "I'm going to pound you until that mustache is a hairstyle" or something like that and all I can see is his pinky ring and I'm thinking "Goodbye Elizabeth" when your mom walks in!
"Oh, boys!" she says. "You guys never outgrow the roughhousing. Gordon, Anthony's hip is healing! Wrestling won't put the tone back in Anthony!"
She gave me a little peck and said "my little hero" and took out a box of double-chocolate muffins from the bakery. "Sorry, there's only two left. You boys will have to share." I noticed she had a bunch of crumbs on her shirt.
Gordon ate one and I shared the other with Weed, but he kept spitting on my pieces before feeding me when your mom wasn't looking.
"What are you doing here, Miz P?" Gordon asked.
"Oh, just the usual Sunday routine. Anthony is station eight of twelve! Then there's April to pick up..." she started talking about how much driving she still had to do and gas prices and she didn't know how she'd ever afford all the back to school shopping, I think she was hinting that Gordon should offer to have her stop by the station and fill up the Crevasse for free. Gordon finally relented after about fifteen minutes of bellyaching, but to me it was pure angel-song.
That put her in a good mood and she started going on and on about how great we all turned out, how Gordon is now this big businessman without any education -- she mentioned that his grades were always lower than Mikes once or twice -- or real work experience, nothing but "belief and hard work" and how Weed was this big shot photographer -- "I see you've got a slick-looking portfolio" she said. "What's inside, some new glamour girl you're going to have smiling at everyone in Toronto?"
"Yeah if they're into vertical smiles," Gord said, and I about died right there. Weed made a move to open his portfolio to show her but I grabbed it, but she went on:
"And of course Mike is a high-profile magazine editor like Helen Gurley Brown. And all before you're even thirty! Just goes to show what kids from good families can accomplish, when their parent's pour out their heart's blood without a word of thanks or birthday cake."
I started crying for some reason and she looked at me. "Don't worry, Anthony, you'll catch up. A man needs a good woman behind him, giving him a little nudge now and again. It'll happen for you soon, very soon. Now Gordon, maybe you'd like to ride over to the station with me so that dumb cashier gets the tandoori out of her ears and doesn't call the police after I fill up and hurry off!"
As John might say, "Saved by the Ell!"
At 10:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
I guess everyone is still at the Garage Opera. Fiddlesticks. I wish I hadn't been too sick to go.
I hope someone will come tell me how it went!
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 1:25 AM,
howard said…
Peeps, as April would say,
I am writing to let you know the events that occurred at the “Garage Opera” in Becky’s garage tonight. When I got to Becky’s house, her half-sister Marjee and Marjee’s boyfriend Maynard were already there. Mrs. McGuire was asleep in her room, so I avoided another tonguing. Thank goodness. Becky already had her keyboard set up in the garage and Maynard helped me unload my costumes and wigs. Maynard appears to be the strong silent type, which may be his nature, or it could just be because Marjee doesn’t give him much of a chance to say anything. In any case, he didn’t seem too happy to be participating in opera.
I had selected as an opera, Gian Carlo Menotti’s “The Telephone” because it was short, the text is in English, and there are only 2 parts for a man and woman, which Becky and I would play. For those of you unfamiliar with the plot, it is a comedy where a man leaving to go to war wants to propose to his girlfriend before he goes, but is defied at every instant by the constant ringing of her telephone. I convinced Maynard to play the part of the phone, and he eventually got into making particularly menacing ringing noises. He liked being the villain. I got into my soldier suit, while Marjee and Becky played with her 1940s style wig and dress. I then went back and forth between the keyboard and Becky, singing my part and leading her through hers. The music is quite a bit more sophisticated than the usual pop ballad, but Becky handled it very well. After we were finished, I went through my wigs with Becky and Marjee, while Maynard sat in the corner and tolerated our noises on different hairstyles.
It was about this point, we heard a “Hello. Anyone here?” from just outside the garage door. Becky raced over to the door, opened it and said, “Howard. Marjee. April’s here.” April seemed a little tentative, but I proffered my hand to her and said, “April Patterson. It is my great pleasure to finally meet you. I am Howard Kelpfroth. I am so glad you made it.” April said she was sorry she was late, but she had a hard time getting out of the house without her mother noticing. I told her, “Unfortunately, we are kind of done with the opera part, but I have a treat for Becky that you have not missed.” I then changed into my best gown and wig and said, “Ladies and Maynard, I will now perform for you one of my favorite songs in full regalia.” I launched into an a cappella version of Musetta's Waltz from “La Boheme.” Maynard seemed a little ill at ease to see me in full regalia. While I was singing, Becky got sort of an odd look on her face too. I guess she had never seen a cross-dressing opera singer before. Just as I got to the end, I heard a screech from outside the garage door and in bounds Elly Patterson. “April Patterson. How dare you sneak off without telling me? What are you doing in this house, with these people?” I said, “You must be Elly Patterson. You are a little early for your surprise. But I guess we can do it right now.” Elly looked perplexed and said, “What surprise?” I responded, “April had told Rebecca that she had missed celebrating your birthday, and Rebecca was so disappointed, they decided to write a song in your honor.” Elly rebounded with “And who are you?” I said, “I am Rebecca’s music teacher. Roberta Curtolson. Rebecca asked me to help her out, because she wanted to make sure that the song was just right for you.” This seemed to perk Elly up, but she was still a little suspicious. “I like your name, but you’re awfully well-dressed for a teacher.” I said, “A teacher has to be a role model for young girls today. If they don’t dress properly, they could turn into pole-dancers.” This response seemed to please Elly and she took a seat and said, “Well let’s hear it.” I gathered April and Becky over to the keyboard and they looked thoroughly confused. I then told Elly, “We didn’t quite finish memorizing it, so April and Rebecca may be a little slow on the lyrics.’’ I then launched into an improvised song that went a little like this:
Who’s the best mom in the land?
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.
A grandmother who’s really grand.
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.
Who always know the thing that’s right?
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.
A shining beacon in the night.
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.
Who always knows just what to say?
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.
A perfect mom in every way.
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.
April and Becky caught on to what I was doing pretty quickly, and soon they had added lyrics of their own, which they will have to tell you themselves. After we were done, Elly was beaming. She went up to Becky and said, “Becky. You know I’ve always thought you were a selfish, spoiled only child; but after this song, I now realize that you are very nice, selfish, spoiled only child. I am so glad that I am able to inspire you.”
April went home with Elly and I left for work in Toronto. I left my wigs with Becky, so she and Marjee could go through them. All in all, I would say it was one of the best nights I have had in awhile.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
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