April's Real Blog

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Liz Here

Hello, April's readers! This is Liz filling in for April, who refuses to get out of bed. I heard her crying, so I went in to see what was going on. It was sort of hard to piece together what she was saying. Something about horse flesh, bad karma, avenging spirits? Horrible nightmares? Dinner at Mary Worth's place last night? Now, I remember our mom took me to Mrs. Worth's apartment years and years ago, before April was born. I can see how that would give someone nightmares. Meanwhile, I've got to see what I can do for my baby sister. Right now, she's moaning something about "purification ritual under Farley's tree". I guess she's hoping I learned some cool native rituals up in Mtig, though I'm not sure why she's taking an interest now.

By the way, April's been home in Milborough since Sunday, but for some reason, she keeps wanting to talk about her trip home. Apparently, she was really traumatized at the airport. They dumped out her luggage to search for "weapons", and her skivvies were out on the belt for all to see! Then they confiscated some nail scissors. I tried to warn her about those illicit grooming implements. Well, I have to go now. April is dry heaving!



  • At 8:27 AM, Blogger ExBF said…

    British Air still owes me a set of nail clippers & a bottle of xtra-strength Tylonol. Bastiges.....


  • At 10:31 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I have a story that happened to me last night at the Yonge Street bar in Toronto, where I work as a bouncer. There was a commotion at the bar with a group of men, who had obviously had too much too drink. The owner wanted me to ask them to leave, and I did so. Then one of the men, a balding, heavy-set, guy with a moustache and glasses, said, "We're not leaving. You don't know with whom you are dealing, bub!" I responded, "And with whom am I dealing?" The guy responded, "We are the guild of airport security and we never forget to confiscate dangerous items. Behold our weapons of mass destruction." At this point, all the men reach into the pockets, and I am fearing the worst. Then the man says, "Nail Scissors! We have nail scissors!!!" and the whole lot of them held up nail scissor in a menacing stance. You can probably guess I did not have any problem with drunken, nail scissor-wielding, airport security. The plus side is that my nails have never looked better.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Shawna-Marie Verano said…

    Liz asked me to come by to help her with April, who still won't get out of her bed. She's curled up around an old copy of Black Beauty and moaning that the horses will never forgive her. Gerald, if you are reading this, Liz wants you to come by. She thinks maybe you can help April snap out of this.

  • At 1:57 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I just got out of my dental appointment with your dad, Doctor Patterson, and I thought I would let you know how it went. When I got to the office, the waiting room was filled full of teenage girls and their mothers. They squealed when I opened the door, but then said, “Oh. It’s not him.” I went to the receptionist at the front desk, showed her the card I had gotten from your dad last night, and asked if he had any appointments free. She said, “He has an appointment free right now. Just fill out this paperwork.”

    I sat down to fill out the paper work, but I was distracted when the girls started squealing again. “He just drove up. Look at him. He is such a morsel. I think he’s a real delicacy. I would love to nibble him. He’s a healthy snack. A real taste treat. A delightful refreshment.” I begin to wonder if they were talking about a person or their next meal, they looked out the window with such hunger. The door opened and a young man with a goatee walked through. The ladies started shrieking, jumping up and down, and one lady fainted. A teenaged girl grabbed onto his leg and asked, “Doctor Everett, can you squeeze me in today?” The man went over to the receptionist and asked, “Is there space, Jean?” She said, “No, doctor, your spaces are all filled and every single one of your patients is already here.” The teenager looked sullen, and whined, “But my next appointment is not until next week.” The man gave her a smile, said “Sorry, babe,” and went into the back, with the girls calling to him the whole way.

    I was called to the back and recognized your dad from our encounter last night. He was looking over my information. “I see you had a job as a professional opera singer, but now work as an electrician apprentice.” I nodded yes. “I completely understand. Being a professional musician is a hard life. It’s better to have a normal life. Otherwise, it's difficult to tell who likes you for yourself or for what you can do. Open up and let's see what you have here.” After looking at my mouth, he stood up and yelled out the door, “We have some major ground-breaking work to do in here. We’ll be using all the state-of-the-art equipment.” He saw the horrified look on my face, and said, “Don’t worry. You just have a few loose teeth and swollen gums. Something must have hit you in the mouth.” I told him that was true.

    Most dentists that I know do that thing where they ask you questions that you can’t answer because your mouth is all full of dental equipment. Not your dad. The whole time he was working he did all the talking and never asked me a thing. He was saying things like, “Everett has a Pavo XS50 AWD. Ted has a Pavo XS50 AWD. What do I have? An old Bushwhacker convertible. I told her I would paint it royal blue and put in a cupholder. But no. She has to have that Crevasse. Then after I buy it for her, what do I get? Just a hug. Everett gets more than a hug. Ted lives with his mother and gets more than a hug. Jelly Flappyarms doesn’t understand the conductor can’t just play with his choo-choo all the time. Sometimes he wants to drive it in the tunnel.” After he was done, he said, “Do you want to come in tomorrow? I have plenty of empty spaces.” I asked, “Do I need to come in tomorrow?” He said, “No. But it would be really nice of you if you did.” I thanked him for his work, but said I wouldn’t be in tomorrow.

    As I left I heard him yelling, “I had to create some new procedures for that case. I think I will write it up for the Journal of Dental Research.” When I went into the waiting room, the girls squealed again and said, “Oh. It’s not him.”

    It was an interesting visit and my mouth feels quite a bit better. I just thought I would let you know that your dad does good work.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:45 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg i feel so bad apes! do you hate me 4evah? liz do u think it wld help more if i came over there 2 apologize, or if i stayed away frum her 4 awhile?

    omg i can't believe this she seemed ok on the bus ride home! she even got excited abt getting paid half ok so she didn't really get excited but she did smile! crud is there nething i can do 2 make her feel better?

    v. worried, becks

    p.s.--thanx 4 ur stories abt dr. p an' the morsel an' the bar but u need 2 understand something apes luvs horses an' she ate a piece of horse last nite. that's as bad as loving ur family then finding out say that elly made the stew with liz meat an' apes ate a bite. man this is all my fault! liz plz call me!

  • At 2:49 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    Dearest future sister-in-law Liz,

    I will arrive at your house shortly. Never fear, I have some ideas for shortening our dear April's convalescence. I shall bring over smelling salts, my etchings, and a boxed set of Marguerite Henry books.

    Sincerely and speedily yours, Gerald

    P.S.--Will my beloved require mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? ;) I am already doing exercises to limber up my tongue in preparation.

  • At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Shawna-Marie said…

    Gerald, Liz says hurry, but don't bring the etchings, b/c Mrs. P. would freak out. And no on the mouth-to-mouth.

    Becky, Liz says she's about to call you on your cell. She thinks you can help.

  • At 2:58 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I'm sorry my stories were not a help to April. I am not very good at comforting people. I was just trying to take her mind off her troubles. By the by, in case Gerald is reading this, you shouldn't stick anything but water into someone who has been vomiting.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:02 PM, Anonymous shawna-marie said…

    Howard, I read your story out loud, and April smiled for, like, a split second before starting another round of crying. I think when she's more herself & reading here again, she'll LOL.

  • At 3:04 PM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…

    Patterson Girls:

    Just giving you guys a head's up, your Mom's got what Liz used to call "a rabbit up her ass" about some kind of contest the local Milborough Gazette and Advertiser is running.

    She told me about it "in secret" but I got the impression it was the kind of secret she wanted blabbed to her children.

    It's for some "Mom of the Year" or maybe "Woman of the Year" thing they're running, open to any woman with a child. The kids are supposed to submit essays to the paper about why their mother is the best. I got the impression it was supposed to be cute kid's essays written in crayon but your mom is under the impression that Michael is going to write this brilliant Pulitzer prize type essay on Motherhood, specifically Elly Patterson brand of motherhood, and with heartfelt testimonials from her virtuous daughters she's a shoe-in.

    Anyway, she was dropping hints like a B-52 carpet bombing about her kids "surprising" her by entering. She's probably going to leave the paper lying around somewhere where you can find it easily.

    Just thought I should give you fair warning,


    P.S. Physical therapy went pretty well today, I did a lap with the walker.

  • At 3:20 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    don't feel bad howie i know u meant well it's just that i m worried that apes will think u r being insensitive 2 her plight.

    an' gerald, u need 2 stop hacking my blogger account there's nothing worth finding in there.


  • At 4:27 PM, Anonymous shawna-marie said…

    April's sitting up in bed now, having some vegetable broth. At first, Liz had offered chicken broth, but April's eyes got all wide, and she shrieked, "Chicken! That's what I thought Mrs. Worth was serving last night! No! No chicken!"

    Gerald's sitting by her bed singing 4Evah songs. Liz just got off of the phone with Becky. I heard Liz go, "I think that's going to be a big help. So, you'll be here in about 15 minutes? Great, see you then! Thanks, Becky!"

    I'll keep you posted.

  • At 5:51 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am feeling so badly for April. I should have known something bad was going to happen last night. Nobody has dinner with Mary Worth and leaves unscathed. I have prepared the Kelpfroth Family borscht for April, which is all vegetables. However, I don't feel comfortable going into her house with Elizabeth there. It's a long story, but Becky can fill you in. Can I meet you outside the house to give you the borscht for April?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 5:57 PM, Anonymous Shawna-Marie said…

    Howard, I'll be popping out in about 20 minutes to let the doggies tinkle. See you then?

  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I'll be there. Don't tell Elizabeth I'm coming. It will just get her upset.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:00 PM, Anonymous shawna-marie said…

    Okay, so I just got back from taking the dogs out and meeting Howard. For some reason, he was in drag, and I didn't realize who he was until he introduced himself. Before he had a chance to explain why he was dressed that may, Mrs. Patterson came tearing into the driveway, almost running over Dixie, and slightly denting the door of the driveway. She hopped out of her Crevasse and muttered something about how busy she is making the "rounds" of all the fine young people of Milborough. Then she looked at Howard and said, "Oh, it's Becky's nice music teacher. And what's that?" She gestures toward the borscht. Howard: "It's some borscht I brought for..." Elly: "Oh, you brought me some borscht! You are so sweet!" She snagged it and ran inside while Howard and I both stood there, mouths gaping. Howard looked stunned, but I told him, "Typical Elly Patterson. Well, I'd better get the dogs back in. I'll see if I can wrest that borscht away from Elly."

    By the time I got inside, Elly was licking the bowl! "That was delicious, but such a small portion!"

  • At 7:31 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Well I just got back from my abortive borsht delivery.

    I should probably explain the disguise. It occurred to me that since Elizabeth had never seen me in a dress and a wig that she might not recognize me, if she happened to come out with Shawna-Marie to get the borscht. It worked so well with April’s mom the other night; I thought it might also work with Elizabeth.

    I made a quadruple batch of borscht (about 3 litres), so April would have enough to share with you, Gerald, Shawna-Marie and Elizabeth. I guess that wasn’t enough, judging from Shawna-Marie’s post. I would make some more and try again, but I am supposed to head up to Toronto to talk to the people who run the Alleycatz place about the bouncer job on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Besides, I know April is in good hands with my bud. Please let her know that I am thinking of her, and I hope she will feel better soon.

    By the by, I think wearing the dress caused Shawna-Marie to believe I am gay. After I introduced myself to her, she said, “I can fix that” and she put her tongue in a part of my body where tongues shouldn’t be. Then April’s mother arrived before I could explain anything about “that” to her. Your uncle Ralph told me to expect this kind of stuff from single Milborough women, but I haven’t gotten used to it yet. I know you have told me the tongue thing is an Urban Myth you created, but it seems to have really gotten around.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:46 PM, Anonymous shawna-marie said…

    Well, this will be my last post of the day, since I'm about to go home. I must say, I'm very embarrassed about the tongue thing. I didn't mention it in my post because, well, would you? Anyway, I unintentionally cheered April up. Becky was sitting here checking comments for her, and when she read what Howard wrote about the "urban legend," she nearly fell out of her chair laughing. And April even laughed, for the first time since I've been here today!

    BTW, Becky's half sister Marjee just picked her up about five minutes ago. Becky's's been a big help, but she'll probably tell you about that herself when she has a chance to post. I'm not sure whether you'll hear from April tonight, but I'm pretty sure she'll be updating her blog again tomorrow.

  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Vicki Simone,

    I did not get the bouncer job at Alleycatz, despite your cousin Juliet’s recommendation of me. The manager said that he ran into problems when he checked my job references, even though I had intentionally left Lakeshore Landscaping (Lawrence and Nick’s place) off the application. I appreciate your thinking of me and for contacting your cousin. Juliet is really nice and she certainly knows her wine. She introduced me to people and gave me a tour of the place. Alleycatz is really classy, a lot nicer than I usually work. Anyway, I thought I would let you know how that turned out.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:31 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hey peeps sorry i didn't post all day long but i've been busy. first i went over to apes' house an' apologized like a million times 4 tricking her in2 eating horse meat. she finally 4gave me an' sed she blames mrs. worth 4 serving it in the 1st place so at least r friendship is intact an' i didn't turn my bff in2 my enemy.

    then when i went 2 leave apes' house i almost got out without mrs. p seeing me but good ole jelly caught me as i wuz going out the door an' grabbed my arm an' sed, "excuse me miss becky but aren't u forgetting something?" i wuz confused an' i didn't feel like playing her dumb games so i just sed, "i don't know, what?" an' she asked, "did u bring some food over 2 cheer april up? and if so, where is it? it had better not be up in her room. i don't allow food up there." so i just sed i didn't bring ne even tho i brought over like two pounds of twizzlers cuz those r apes' fave we share them whenever we go 2 the movies.

    ok so then i left the p's house an' went 2 set up apes' surprise. i haven't had a chance 2 tell her yet but i think i will just reveal it here so u all can be surprised 2. i took the check mrs. worth wrote me 4 the "liquidated damages" an' bought apes 10 hours of horseback riding lessons at the shady acres stables! they will teach her how 2 ride english style an' how 2 do all the different stuff like cantering an' jumping an' whatever. they have like over 30 horses there so i'm sure u can find one u really luv 2 ride apes.

    i hope u like that surprise apes cuz i feel super, super bad abt the whole mrs. worth dinner thing i shldn't have tricked u in2 eating horse an' i really shldn't have gotten u involved with that krazee old bat in the 1st place cuz "friends don't make friends hang out with mary worth."

    ok night! becks

  • At 3:26 AM, Blogger howard said…


    "Friends don't make friends hang out with Mary Worth." Truer words were never spoken. I am sure that my great grandfather Augustus Kelpfroth would agree.

    The horseback-riding lessons are a wonderful surprise for April. I wish I had had a friend like you when I was growing up.

    Based upon my experience with Mrs. Patterson today, it was a good idea not to mention those Twizzlers. I suspect that Elly was looking for a little dessert to go along with that borscht.

    Howard Kelpfroth


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