April's Real Blog

Friday, September 02, 2005

Dialects & Stuff

Becks & I were up wayyyyyyy late last night. By the time Marjee dropped me off at my house, it was, like, 2 AM. Dad didn't notice cuz he was still in his train room. I could hear him singing to his choo-choos when I got back. Becks felt much better after we'd had some bad food, lots of bad TV, & trashy mags. We're both kinda worried that the cliques @ hi school R gonna pull us in diff directions, but we promised 2 push against that.

So, NEway, I didn't get much sleep last nite, so I was a bit out of it 4 the 1st day of school. & when I was walking down the hall, the kidz were talking a bit diff. to how the mid-sch kidz talk, & I was thinking it was, like, a diff. dialect. Tho now that I've had sum coffee fr. my thermos, I realize I was freaking ov. nothing. Man, I was so flipped, I was just kinda randomly putting my hand on some1's shoulder in the hall. She was, like, "xcuse me?" & I'm all, "Sorry, I thought U were some1 else." I know, lame.

U know, if I had a normal mom, I'd B a bit bummed that she wasn't around 4 my 1st day of high-school. (If U suddenly hear that she was waiting 4 me @ home after my 1st day, just know that this is Patterson propaganda!) But since my ma is, well, who she is, I'm sorta glad she wasn't here. I mean, she makes it pretty obvs. that she luvs Liz more than she luvs me, which is why she was all, "Road trip!" Mom denies it, but it's like, I know I was an "oops" baby, & tho my mom tried 2 do the whole "surprise vs. accident" thing, she kind of 4gets about me when Liz is around.

& my Dad's a whole oth. thing. This morning, after he came stumbling out of his train room, he gave me a weird look & said, "My, my, Rn't U a pretty lil thing in yr new school uniform?" I went running out of the house w/out NE breakfast, tho I had a protein bar & my coffee thermos packed up already, so yay on that.

Well, gotta run. I'm sending this post fr. my phone betw. classes, but if I get caught, my phone'll B taken away!



  • At 10:20 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Oh, man. 2day was the 1st day of school? I thot it didnt start til Tues. So Im already in trouble @ school.

    Im going back 2 bed. L8r.

  • At 10:43 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's y i didn't c u! school sure started suddenly!

  • At 12:55 PM, Anonymous Liz said…

    If you look under the upper left hand corner of your matress, you'll find that new CD you've been wanting that Mom wouldn't let you buy.

  • At 3:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz! that is soooo cube of u! i don't know what mom's prob was, but I've been wanting that cd so bad! i hope mom hasn't been making u 2 crazy during yr car trip.


  • At 4:18 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    the first day of school wuz ok i guess. it's weird 2 b the most important kids in school in grade 8 an' now 2 b the runts again in grade 9.

    i didn't even want 2 go 2day cuz of all that's happened i m feeling really depressed. i haven't eaten nething since yesterday when i read apes's letter an' then howie's post. well apes did make me eat a little debbie cake an' a few cheetos but that's it.

    i didn't even do my sexy schoolgirl style outfit i just went 2 school normal-looking. i don't care abt grade 12 guys nemore. at least not rite now.

    even my mom is worried now so she is making me go 2 a shrink. she's worried i'm all traumatized by everything that's gone down since dad left. well mayb i m but i m not krazee either so what's the point? it's not like talking abt this stuff is gonna make me feel better. oh well i don't care neway.

    dunc don't sweat it 2 much the first day of school all the grade 9ers r real confused an' stuff so i told our math teacher that u were prolly just got lost in the hall an' that u had a real bad sense of direction. stick with that story an' u prolly won't get in 2 much trouble. not sure if that will work 4 ur rents tho. do they know u skipped?

    bye. becks

  • At 4:22 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My superb ponytailed princess and friends,

    The first day of school was a smashing success for me. I have already established myself as the teacher's pet in three of my classes. Two of those teachers made me the class monitor, which means I will have the opportunity to boss around my fellow students for the rest of the year.

    Duncan, I am quite disappointed in you for not showing up. I had to sit all by myself at lunch.

    Sincerely April's worshipful lover forver, Gerald

  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    man, becks, our new school is confusing isn't it? I thot it wdn't b so bad b/c of home ec last year, but we only went 2 that 1 rm. & every time i've gotten lost 2day, upperclassmen have just laffed or given me the wrong directions!

    i don't think there's nething wrong w/therapy, becks. lots of creative-type ppl go 2 therapy 2 help deal w/having so much emotion. b-sides, u get some1 who has 2 listen 2 u talk 4 an hour & then u can totally make jokes abt him or her l8r. just don't go 2 mike's therapist.

    ger, i heard 1 of the teachers say 2 another "there goes eddie haskell" while nodding in yr dir. & the other teach laffed. whatev "eddie haskell" meanz, but he sed it in a way that sounded annoyed 4 sum reason. so mayB we can find out who this eddie is so u can not b mixed up w/him


  • At 6:47 PM, Anonymous brian dribbledraph said…

    y would they have us start school on a friday. that wuz totally stupid. my old school always started the day after labor day.

    i hate having 2 wear a uniform, but i guess that is the price i pay 4 having to go 2 this school.

    all that slang didnt bother me. i herd the same words at my old school.

  • At 6:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, brian, were u the 1 w/the 'troit shirt? if so, u look a bit like topher grace!

    i think my mom was on sum committee that made the school start today instead of this coming 2zday. i dunno y, but it's so lame!

    u know, i'm not even sure y i thought the slang sounded so diff. like i sed, once i'd chugged my coffee, things made more sense.


  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I read the posts since my last post yesterday, and I just want to say, “Cheer up.” Kortney and I are just on a little trip until things cool down in Milborough. Wild horses couldn't keep me from seeing my bud again. When we come back, Kortney and I may not look exactly the same as you remember us when we left, if you know what I mean.

    After driving all night we are in Mtigwaki, the land of the trees and annoying natives. You are probably wondering why we are here. As you may recollect, Gordon Mayes and company tried to hire me to live up here for a year and discourage some guy named Warren Blackwood from visiting April’s sister Elizabeth. Since I refused, they would have hired someone else to do the job. So, we came up here to convince that someone else not to do that job.

    Yesterday, we met with Rhetta Blum, and she paid me a fairly large sum of money for yesterday's bodyguard job. She also tried the tongue thing on me, which irritated Kortney to no end. Just to let you know, Rhetta should be safe from Gordon. She said her father hired some personal home security. After Rhetta left, I convinced Kortney to go to Mtigwaki and we started driving.

    When we got into Mtigwaki, this crowd of people gathered around us saying, “Boozhoo” over and over again. Whatever that means. We got out of the car and the natives looked surprised. A fellow came up to us and said, “We were expecting our teacher from the south, Growling Bear, and her mother Big Chi-Load. They left their home Wednesday and should have been here by now.” Then the people starting opening the trunk and going through the inside of the car. “What are you doing?” I asked. “We are trying to help you with your luggage.” “We don’t have any luggage,” I said. There was one boy walking off with a bag of cookies we had for snacks on the trip. The man said to him, “Jesse Mukwa, give those back.”

    I introduced ourselves to the man and he said, “I am Gary Crane, deputy chief, principal and teacher at Mtigwaki Day School, and a native of Mtigwaki who returned home after spending many years teaching in Southern Ontario.” I told him we were looking for someone who had moved to Mtigwaki just recently, possibly signing a long term lease for a house. Gary said, “I know the man. Let me take you to him.” Then Gary led us around, giving us detailed stories about the background and use of each building, and telling us stories about how his mom and auntie used to run the corner store, and how his dad dealt with his diabetes, and on and on and on for what seemed like days. Finally, he said, “Let me take you fishing so I can show you the true Mtigwaki philosophy.” I turned to this Caucasian woman who had been walking with us and asked her if she could take us to the newcomer’s house. She said, “Yes, I can. I’m Vivian Crane, Gary’s wife, the nursing station supervisor, personal and financial counselor, bank manager, baby deliverer, tooth-puller, pottery class teacher and instructor on cat behaviour.” Then she started talking about all the amenities of Mtigwaki, and how you have to drive 60 K for fresh produce, and was starting to launch into a description of how she met her husband, when the boy called Jesse Mukwa tugged on my shirt and said, “If you give me those cookies, I’ll show you the house.” I did, and he walked us to a house that was about 10 metres away from where we were standing.

    We knocked on the door of the house and out stepped a huge guy. Kortney gave him this big story about how we were sent to pay him for services rendered and how the job was cancelled. The guy bought the whole story, although it cost us most of the money we had gotten from Rhetta to pay him. Kortney was very impressive. She definitely has some skills at conning people. After the guy got his money, he got into his truck and drove off. The natives started chasing after him saying. “Rides. Rides.” Whatever that means.

    I asked Gary if there was a hotel and some place to eat in town. He said, “There's no hotel, and only two places to eat, the Seagull's Nest coffee shop at the marina and that old train car over there, which is actually a diner called the Moose Caboose, or we could go hunting and discuss the philosophy of killing nature’s bounty for your food.” We politely declined and had dinner at the Moose Caboose. Since there was no hotel and the hired goon left, Kortney and I decided to stay in the hired goon’s house tonight. It had a computer hooked up, which has allowed me to write this post to you. We should be leaving tomorrow morning. I hope to see you soon, so have fun in school and don't worry about me.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 calling off that thuggy guy, howard. my sis needs 2 b left alone & so does warren! that was qb of u.

  • At 7:31 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    howie i m glad u will b coming back 2 m-boro soon i hope. ur post yesterday sounded like u were saying goodbye 4ever.

    i m glad u paid off the thug even tho i don't like liz an' even tho it made u broke it wuz the rite thing 2 do an' u r a really good guy. i wish u were my brother.

    neway even tho i told mom i wuz feeling a little better she's still making me go 2 the shrink. i don't want 2 talk 2 some weird guy abt my problems so i think i mite lie an' make sum problems up so i don't have 2 tell the real ones. i don't care if other peeps go 2 shrinks i m prolly the only 1 in all of grade 9 that has 2.

    gotta go mom is yelling becks

  • At 7:50 PM, Anonymous brian dribbledraph said…


    yes, that was me. the topher thing is funny cause my sis's friend sez that all the time. xplains y she was always coming around; she has a huge crush on him.

  • At 7:53 PM, Anonymous kortney said…

    howard, i love being far away from that craphole milborough. i hope we dont have to go back anytime soon. maybe we can go to vegas and gamble. i've always wanted to go there.

  • At 8:21 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am sorry to hear about the shrinks. I know my bud can get through it. After all, you survived a dinner party with Mary Worth.

    In my last post I told you we were going to wait to leave Mtigwaki until tomorrow morning. I was wrong. Kortney and I were just settling in for the night, when we heard a knock on the door. It was Jesse Mukwa and he was holding a kitten. He said, “I found something on your porch. She’s all alone and she was crying. I think she chose you because I found her on your porch. ” I said, “Jesse, you should never take kittens away from their mother when they are so young.” He said, “She’s just a stray. Nobody wants her.” Then I heard this awful yowling and a cat came into view being followed by a number of kittens. I said, “Give the kitten back to its mother, Jesse.” Jesse scowled and left.

    Then a few minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was Jesse again, and this time he was holding a puppy. He said, “I found this puppy on your porch. If you don’t want her I could take her down to the marina. When the guys clean fish, they SOMETIMES feed stray animals.” I said, “Jesse, give the puppy back to its mother.” He frowned and left.

    Then a few minutes later, we heard this howling like a wolf outside the door. When I opened it, there was Jesse holding the hand of a small native girl. “I found this girl on your porch. If you don’t want her, she could just stay outside in the rain.” I said, “It’s not raining.” Then I heard a voice yell out, “Jesse Mukwa. You stop trying to give away your sister!”

    I said to Kortney, “That’s it. I can’t take a minute more of this place. We have to leave now.” We got into the car, and we were about to leave, when Gary Crane jumped in front of the car. He said, “It is a tradition for people leaving town to give rides to other people that do not own cars. He pointed to a group of people standing beside him. I said, “There are 7 people there. We don’t have room for 7 people.” Gary said, “Your trunk is empty.”

    Anyway, long story short, Kortney and I drove with 7 people in the car and its trunk (not closed) and are now sleeping in a hotel room with all 7 people. They all want to go to some place called “The Big Smoke”, which I think is their phrase for Toronto. I see that Kortney got on the computer and posted that she wants to go to Vegas and gamble, which I think is an excellent idea. You will probably see some more posts from Kortney. I am going to sleep in the bathtub now.

    Irritated by Mtigwakians,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:10 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    brian, topher's pretty kewl. but watch out 4 suzanne-levonne harbingooger. last yr in grade 8, she totally had topher pics all over her locker & notebook. & she even writes "mrs. suzanne-levonne grace" on some of the paperz that she hands in 2 teachers! so if sum girl runs up 2 u & starts crying & trying 2 hug u, that's prolly suzanne-levonne.

    btw, it sux that yr 'troit shirt got confiscated cuz it doesn't go w/the uniform. They'd better give that back 2 u!


  • At 10:43 AM, Anonymous brian dribbledraph said…

    thanks 4 telling me bout suzanne-levonne. i'll no 2 run away when i see her, though hopefully she likes another celeb dude this yr.

    i hope they do give me my shirt back. that style was discontinued so it'll b hard 2 find.

  • At 11:21 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    suzanne-levonne once almost got in2 a fist fight w/becky 1x cuz becks sed ashton kutcher is cuter than topher. i haven't seen suzanne-levonne yet this yr so i don't kno if she's moved on 2 a new celeb.

  • At 12:01 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Mike Patterson


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