April's Real Blog

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Fake Fight Continues

So, we were continuing our lame fake fight on day 1 of school, but Becky worked in sum real stuff, which is good 2 do when U improv. The thing about her parents having split up & the thing abt living w/her mom? True. But Becky can't visit her dad @ the prison every other weekend. He is paying 4 the voice lessons tho. & yeah, it's true about the gigs, like the Bumsteads & the Morgans. But free? Only if $500 CAD sounds like free 2 U. But we didn't want teachers being all in2 Becks's biz w/the $. Oh, & Jeremy Jones being her roadie? Becks thru that in cuz Jeremy had just asked her that morning if he cd help her out. Cuz he heard about the Bumsteads' party & thinx he mite get tip$ fr. all those rich ppl who hire Becks.

I can't believe I said that stupid line about Becky being a really big sound system. So, so lame. I guess I'm pretty sucky @ improv.

In other news, Becky & Gerald, I'm so sorry I let my imag. go crazee when U weren't posting 4 so long. I've gotten so used 2 hearing fr. U, & hearing fr. U a lot, that I cdn't help thinking sumthing was wrong.

Dunc was nice enuf 2 bring ackee & codfish this morning. I thought it was a bit early 4 fish of NE kind, but this was really good. So much better than NEthing my mom ever makes. & we shared coffee fr. my thermos, xtra strong stuff. I'm gonna need it!

Apes out


  • At 9:49 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My nosy little fluffernutter,

    My darling, I am sorry that I was not available to you on Sunday or Monday. I felt it was prudent to put all my effort into the extra credit project I did with Becky. My grades in social science courses have often been substandard, and I am hoping to improve myself.

    Also, Becky told me she would show me her boobs if I worked on the project with her. Turns out she was just kidding.

    Perhaps we might meet this evening at yon abode and, while in the embrace of our passionate amour, you might display thy bosoms that my ever-loving eyes (and hands) might feast upon them?

    Up to you!

    Your devoted and horny boyfriend forever, Gerald

  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    god ger, u get more disgusting every day. an' u had to of known i wuz kidding about the boobs thing cuz i wuz laughing an' rolling my eyes when i sed it! sheesh!

    i talked 2 uncle ralph last nite after i got home frum the morgans' party an' he sez that ger hung out at his house all day asking him a million questions about sex. he sez that a lot of the questions were really gross an' perverted, an' that he's worried abt us hanging out with him especially u apes since u r dating him. he also sez that some of his pornos r missing, which is kinda funny since ralph is gay.

    btw apes, yeah i do go see dad in jail every other week on visiting day. an' he's just in the local jail, not prison. i didn't know it wuz different either 'til dad got busted.

    gotta go or i'll miss 1st period.

    bye, becks

  • At 10:37 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, ger, u r such a horndog! sure, u can see my boobs after school 2day. jk! get a grip!

    becks, sorry i made that mistake abt. jail vs. prison. u haven't been talking abt yr dad much l8ly & I thot u hadn't seen him 4 a while.

    apes, l8 4 class!

  • At 11:00 AM, Anonymous kortney said…

    i don't what made me want to get married. i must have started thinking of all the pressure i got from people that said that i should have been married by the time i was 18, especially from a certain flat-headed person that wears a bun all the time and unflattering clothes. just because she's a grandmother now doesn't mean that she has to dress like one. i'm tempted to make flyers saying "if you're in milborough while visiting canada, do NOT go to lilliput's!" and hand them out to people.

    i don't remember what i said to you at all, howard. but it was probably something similiar to what i just said above, but with more obsenities.

    i would never go back to any of those casinos after being in vegas. i heard someone say the other day "once you go vegas, you never go back". and i agree.

    you better watch out for those gangsta stripperz, granthony. one of them has a boyfriend that is 600 pounds and he will sit on you if he finds you. it'd be best if you shaved off the moustache.

  • At 11:28 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Married or not, if we are to have any kind of future together I have to face my assault charges back in Milborough. I don’t want to be spending the rest of my life looking over my shoulder for the police.

    I talked to Duncan’s lawyer and he informed me that 3 assault charges had been filed against me, but nothing has been filed against us from the incident at Gordon’s garage. I am to meet him when I get back to town and he will accompany me to the police for my arrest. He said he had been contacted by a Ms. Rhetta Blum, who had volunteered to be my surety at the bail hearing. A surety is the person who makes sure I meet the conditions of the bail (not leaving town, being on time at court, and that sort of thing), and is financially liable for the bail. He said that almost invariably, a simple assault will be prosecuted by summary conviction (minor offences in the Criminal Code). If I am convicted following a trial by summary conviction, I will be either fined up to $2,000 or have 18 months' imprisonment or both.

    I plan to leave Las Vegas to go back to Milborough tomorrow. You need to decide if you are coming with me.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:15 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    howie i wish u wouldn't turn urself in i don't want u 2 go 2 jail. it's hard enuff having my dad in there an' you're a lot more delicate then him.

    mayb u will just get a fine between uncle ralph an' me an' rhetta we could come up with the money.

    plus i m gonna go 2 court an' tell the judge that i'll kill myself if he sends u 2 jail. it's the truth.

    talk more later, becks

  • At 12:25 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I was such a nervous Nellie when you stopped posting the last 2 days. Please forgive me for making all those phone calls about you. I just wanted to make sure my bud was all right.

    I should be back in Milborough tomorrow, although most likely I will be in jail until they schedule my bail hearing. Maybe you can come visit me when you see your dad.

    Kortney is fuming about Rhetta Blum being my surety. Duncan’s lawyer said that the Blum family was well-known in Milborough and that it would help my case to have someone like her standing up for me in court.

    Kortney and I talked about my wearing a wedding dress at a wedding ceremony and she is adamantly against it. Who would have thought she was so traditional? She seems a lot less interested in getting married today than she did yesterday.

    Anyway, Kortney and I are at a crossroads. I bought 2 airplane tickets to go back to Milborough tomorrow. She hasn’t told me if she is coming with me or not. She really hates Milborough and she really likes Las Vegas. She has been making enough money gambling to pay for all our expenses and some extra. She probably could make a living out here. Most likely, the conditions for my bail will include a condition that I cannot leave town, so I will have to stay in Milborough until the trial occurs, which may take a long time. So if Kortney stays with me, she will have to endure Milborough for awhile. She has been really quiet, ever since I told her I was going back. It promises to be a miserable day.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Jason said…

    So the other day, Peter and I were sitting around with nothing to do. We started talking about the Pattersons and he told me a story about something that took place at the Bumstead's party a few weeks ago. Peter was there, I wasn't. I had better things to do and well, Peter has a lot in common with Mr. Bumstead.

    So, it was during the toast of the party and Peter ended up standing next to the infamous Elly Patterson. I guess through out the whole toast she was moaning and complaining that she's not aging as well as Blondie. Mr. Patterson told her not to complain, but simply smile for the cameraman, who was taking their picture. Peter said that Elly kept bumping him over and was really rude, she smelled bad and her stomach made really loud noises. Peter said her stomach sounded worse than a rundown jalopy.

    Peter went on to tell me that all evening Mrs. Patterson was sending evil glances Becky's way and even questioned Mrs. Bumbstead about why they didn't hire 4-Evah. Mr. Patterson meanwhile hit on Ms. Buxly. Said she had, "Fine teeth".
    Mrs. Patterson then told Ms. Bumbstead she should count her silver before she leaves because Becky is an only child and who knows what she might steal to get attention. She also said that April's hair is prettier and that you can tell Becky is a wild girl from her wild locks. And that she expected an updooed woman like Mrs. Bumbstead to understand such things. Mrs. Bumbstead told her Becky was doing a fine job and was a nice girl and then just shook her head as she walked away.

    Sorry I'm just telling you this story now, but I just heard it myself.

  • At 1:22 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    so howie i totally 4got 2 ask u, but there were some hints that mayb u an' kortney got it on while u were in vegas. did u do it with her? what's it like 2 do it with a double k person? they're supposed 2 be the height of evil wuz it thrilling? do u think ur interested in having sexx with girls now? is kortney good in bed? did she do her pole dancer moves 4 u? did she turn u not gay like the aliens did 2 my uncle ralph only in reverse? maybe kortney's an alien!

    pleeze don't give me that "it's private" crap like liz did! u know i watch that show "sex an' the city" an' those friends talk abt EVERYTHING an' when i try 2 do that with people in real life they won't what's up with that?!?

    ttfn, becks

  • At 1:26 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hey jase that's a funny story. i saw ur brother at the party he an' mr. bumstead had a contest for who could make the biggest sandwich an' then eat it all. your brother made the biggest sandwich but mr. bumstead ate all of his own an' then finished the rest of peter's sandwich too when peter got sick.

    when can we start tutoring in math? i really need help. grade 9 is algebra an' i am totally not getting how the letter x can be a number an' it's a different number every time that is krazee!

    ok talk soon, becks

  • At 2:00 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Kortney went out to do some more gambling. She said she needed some time alone to think, and she is probably right. She was mumbling about how she never wanted to see turnip nose again, and stuff like that all morning. She still hasn’t told me if she’s coming with me tomorrow, and I expect I will probably not find out until right at the last minute.

    You have asked a lot of personal questions, and I can kind of understand how an adult wouldn’t want to talk about those things with someone who’s 14. You know that kind of talk could be misinterpreted as pedophilia. But you are my bud, and I told you we could talk about anything. So, here it goes:
    1. did u do it with her?
    The answer is yes.
    2. what's it like 2 do it with a double k person? they're supposed 2 be the height of evil wuz it thrilling?
    I don’t know about evil. Let’s just say that Kortney knows a lot of things that nobody I have ever been with knows, including the guys. Let’s also say that those things she knows feel really good.
    3. do u think ur interested in having sexx with girls now?
    That is kind of difficult to say. Kortney is really slender, hard and wiry, so sometimes it was easy to imagine she wasn’t a girl. I don’t know how I would feel about a soft girly kind of girl, like Bea was.
    4. is kortney good in bed?
    The answer is most definitely yes.
    5. did she do her pole dancer moves 4 u?
    She did for a little bit, until she realized that it was not having the desired effect. That stuff is really for straight guys.
    6. did she turn u not gay like the aliens did 2 my uncle ralph only in reverse?
    I checked my toes and there are only 5 of them. Actually, I don’t know the answer to that question. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and whether or not I should have married Kortney yesterday. I sort of benchmarked my girl love with Bea, and Bea is really different from Kortney.

    By the by, unless the judge puts me in jail as a result of the trial, the only jail time should be for one day prior to the bail hearing. They are required to set those within 24 hours of the time of arrest. Your dad must be really tough, if you think I am more delicate than he. Usually when I get into fights, the other person ends up getting the worst of it. You haven’t seen me in a fight, so you wouldn’t know that, and I hope you never have to see me in a fight.

    Let me know if you have any more questions. I think I am going to ride the roller coaster over at the New York New York Hotel today while Kortney is out gambling.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, u r scaring me with this talk abt killing yrself. i know fr. that big assembly we had in mid. school that ne time sum1 talks like this, u need 2 take it seriously. i know i can b all shitty & judgy, but i wanna b there 4 u.


  • At 2:37 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh apes don't worry i'll tell u if i'm really super serious abt the whole killing myself thing. i do feel like shit tho. u need 2 talk 2 ur mom. i don't want 2 pretend. if u haven't noticed, i wuzn't really acting like i didn't want 2 b friends.

    kewl howie, thanx 4 being honest that's really cube. i can't help being curious about sex stuff. i don't really get how it works it's very confusing. i get how the parts line up an' everything, but the relationship part gets very confusing it's not like the simple "man an' woman fall in love get married an' make babies" stuff they say it is. like my dad loved my mom an' then he didn't nemore. but he kept doing it with mom for a long time after he got a girlfriend. an' apes' mom an' dad haven't done it since they made apes (mr. p told apes this 1 time, gross huh? he's a perv.). an' liz is actually kinda roadside but pretends she's not. an' marjee an' maynard have this thing where they can do it with other people but they have to confess it (sorry marjee if that wuz a secret). i find it all very weird.

    u know what i just realized? if u marry kortney she'll be a triple k person kortney krelbutz kelpfroth! that would be the ultimate evil!!! also u can't say that 5 times fast! ol' jelly fatterson would prolly have a heart attack if she met a triple k person. please oh please u have 2 marry kortney, then bring her back to m-boro an' introduce her to jelly!!! it would be a big favor 2 me an' especially 2 apes. i bet kortney would have a good time killing jelly 2.

    ok gotta go math is next an' i'm already doing kinda bad in there.

    later, becks

  • At 2:45 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh an' howie when i called u delicate i didn't mean physically i know ur like the toughest guy evah but i meant your sensibilities u r kinda emotional an' also u like pretty things. dad sez there's no pretty things in jail. no opera either.


  • At 2:50 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My delicious little Kir Royale,

    Gazing deep into your smoldering brown eyes over our trays in the cafeteria has had an intoxicating effect on me. I am now drunk with passionate amour, and I live solely for you.

    Please meet me behind the bleachers after 7th period. There I will take you into amour's sweet embrace and bring you to heights of ecstacy that no woman has previously enjoyed. I read about some naughty little tricks on the walls of the boys' washroom.

    Devotedly and longingly yours forever, Gerald

  • At 2:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u r rite abt talking 2 my mom, i kno. i've tried a few tymz since she got back fr. her trip 2 mtigwhocareski, but she keeps saying she's 2 busy after being away fr. the store like that. as if she ever spends that much time there ne-way. i think the whole thing about being 2 busy is just a bs xcuse 4 her 2 avoid me cuz she's missing liz. i overheard her referring 2 me as "lesser daughter". can u believe that shit? & this morning when she was getting ready 4 "work", she was putting on that stupid neutral makeup of hers & i was looking 4 sum lipstick. she looks @ me, then in the mirror, & she's all "u ruined my nose"!

    dad skeeves me out w/the tmi sumtymz. that was 1 really bad example. i wish he wdn't tell me stuff like that. like when there's a pretty girl on canadian idol & he sits there staring w/his mouth hanging open. then he sez "i'd sure like 2 drill her . . . teeth!"

    ger, i can't meet u after 7th cuz the school counselor wants 2 see me again. stop by after school, tho, k?

    well, i'm abt 2 b thrown off this 'puter. better stop here.


  • At 2:58 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Sex and relationships are really confusing. Years ago, when my mom and I used to talk, she once told me that for boys, sex is like food. They can go without it for a little while, but if they go too long without it they will get sick and turn into perverts. She told me for girls, sex is like chocolate. They really like it when they have it, but once they have had it, they could go without it for years and never know the difference. Mom was a little crazy, but sometimes when I see how people are in relationships and sex, I think she was kind of smart. Anyway, sometimes it is easier for a guy to be with a guy, because they both understand that food thing.

    I don’t know where things are going with Kortney and me. I really have only known her for a short period of time. I was with Ross for a long time and look how that turned out. The triple K initial thing would be fun though.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:05 PM, Anonymous marjee mahaha said…

    It's ok, Becky, I'm not embarrassed about being in an open relationship with Maynard. I've been in other relationships with guys who cheated with me, and it was always the dishonesty that hurt the most. That's why we decided have an open relationship based on honesty.


  • At 5:59 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Is that why Maynard gave me the look, when we were last together? Just kidding. Maynard is as straight as a ruler. I'm glad you have honesty in your relationship.

    I did the roller coaster at the NY NY and then went up into the fake Tour Eiffel at the Paris Hotel. Kortney is still not back from gambling, so I am just waiting for her to come back so we can go to dinner. Unfortunately, she did not tell me which casino she was going to, and to search every one of them would be an impossible task. If she doesn't come back soon, I'll have to go out looking for her and hope she went some place close by.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:43 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Something interesting just happened. I couldn’t find Kortney anywhere gambling, and so I have been waiting at the hotel room for her to show up. We have tickets to go see the Cirque du Soleil show Mystère at the Treasure Island Hotel tonight, and I figured she would be back for that, even though we are too late to go to supper before the show.

    Just a few minutes ago, Kortney bounded into the hotel room followed by a good-looking guy with dark hair parted in the middle. She was talking a mile a minute, “Howie, I know I missed dinner, but I ran into a fellow Canadian, and I lost track of time. Howard Kelpfroth, meet Eric Chamberlain. Eric works in Ottawa and is here on vacation. You won’t believe this Howie, but you and Eric have something in common. You both had a thing for Elizabeth Patterson. Isn’t it a small world? I know we were going to see the Mystère show together tonight, but I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind me taking Eric instead? Thanks, Howie, you are such a dear.” And then she exited the hotel room with Eric.

    That’s one of the things I like about Kortney. She is so friendly to people she has just met. I am not nearly as gregarious as she is. Anyway, I have ordered room service and have started packing to leave tomorrow. With Kortney in such a good mood, I am sure that she will be coming with me back to Milborough.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, eric's the guy who was 2x-ing liz when they lived 2gether during uni. she & the other girl ended up whacking him ov. the head w/frying pans.

    gerald came by after school 2day. i thought we were gonna do h'work 2geth. but he kept interrupting w/kisses & trying 2 feel me up. finally, i sed he cd have a quick feel if he closed his eyes & held out 1 hand. but i put small pillow in his hand instead. he stayed 4 dinner (brave!) & then when he left, i still had work left 2 do. i just finished!


  • At 11:33 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Thank you so much for explaining Kortney’s comment about Eric and Elizabeth. I was a little confused about that. Be careful with Gerald. If he thinks he has gotten a feel with his eyes closed, he may think he is allowed to get a feel with his eyes open next time.

    Kortney just came back from seeing Mystère and she was chuckling to herself when she came in. I asked her if the show was really funny and she starting telling me this story while laughing, so it took me awhile to understand what she was saying. This is what I gathered that happened:

    Apparently Kortney went back to Eric’s hotel room after the show. Eric had told Kortney that he is on vacation alone, but when she got into the hotel room, it was pretty clear that Eric has a female companion. Kortney excused herself to go to the bathroom. While she was there, a woman came in. Their conversation was something like this:

    Eric: Beth you’re back early from shopping.
    The woman: Yes. It was getting dark and I was tired, so I … Hey! There’s a woman’s hair barrette on the floor. That’s not my hair barrette.
    Eric: I don’t see a hair barrette.
    The woman: It’s right here in my hand.
    Eric: That’s not a hair barrette, that’s a highly decorated silverware holder. It was being used to hold the silverware together on my dinner tonight, so I brought it home to you.
    The woman: Oh Eric. You are so thoughtful… Hey! There’s a woman’s purse on the bed.
    Eric: I don’t see a purse.
    The woman: Right here. I am holding it.
    Eric: Oh Beth, I just bought that for you. I thought it would go well with your outfit.
    The woman: Oh Eric. You are so thoughtful… Hey! There’s stuff in this purse. It belongs to a woman named Kortney Krelbutz.
    Eric: Oh the previous owner must have left her stuff in it. I am so sorry. I bought the purse at a used purse store.
    The woman: Oh Eric. You are so thoughtful… Hey! I can hear someone laughing in the bathroom!
    Eric: I don’t hear any laughing.
    The woman: I know there’s someone laughing in the bathroom.
    Eric: How do you know?
    The woman: I just looked in and saw her there. It’s a woman.
    Eric: Oh that’s not a woman. That’s a mannequin I bought to fool you as a practical joke.
    The woman: But how can a mannequin laugh?
    Eric: It has a voice box that laughs as a part of the joke.
    The woman: Oh Eric. You are so thoughtful… Hey! The mannequin is picking up my purse and silverware holder and walking to the door.
    Eric: This is a special joke mannequin that returns itself to the owner after the joke is done.
    The woman: Oh Eric. You’re so nice to get such an expensive practical joke for me. … Hey! The mannequin is making hand gestures at us.
    Eric: That’s just the signal that the joke is over.
    The woman: Oh Eric. You know everything.

    Kortney wants us to go gambling again. I told her that we had to stop early enough to meet our taxi to the airport. She still hasn’t told me if she is coming with me back to Milborough, but she is in such a good mood, I have high hopes that she will.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:11 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, it soundz like eric hasn't changed @ all. even dating another elizabeth.

    don't worry about ger. since he reads this blog, he'll know that he felt up a pillow, lol!



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