I Don't Wanna Think About It
I just remembered something that happened once. My mom & dad went over 2 Connie and Greg's place next door. While Mom & Connie sat outside, talking & laughing & laughing & talking, Dad & Greg looked thru the window & tried 2 guess what was so funny. Dad was all, "they're laughing at us", & when Dad & Greg went outside, they suddenly got all quiet. So Greg guessed that Dad musta been rite.
I wasn't invited, but I didn't care cuz I was in the basement, making out w/Gerald but w/out letting him get past 1st base. Even tho Gerald was all "pls baby pls baby pls." So alluva sudden, Dad comes storming in & I think I'm totally toast, but he barely notices what we're doing. "Oh, hi, Gerald. April, I need you to go next door & ask your mom what was so funny." Me: ??? Dad: "Come, on, fuzziekins, be a pal." So B4 Dad has a chance 2 call me by NE more embarrassing names, I'm all, ok, & I go next door.
"Oh, hey, Mom. Ms. Poirier. So, uh, I noticed you were laughing. What was so funny NEway?"
My mom: "April, don't you worry about what was so funny. It was about what happens between mommies and daddies, so it was none of your business!" Then she & Connie look @ each other & laugh all over again. I go back & tell Dad, & he just gets this pissy look on his face & goes back 2 his train room. After that, I just wanted 2 wash my brain. NEway, I don't even know what made me think of that day.
Cya, Apes
I wasn't invited, but I didn't care cuz I was in the basement, making out w/Gerald but w/out letting him get past 1st base. Even tho Gerald was all "pls baby pls baby pls." So alluva sudden, Dad comes storming in & I think I'm totally toast, but he barely notices what we're doing. "Oh, hi, Gerald. April, I need you to go next door & ask your mom what was so funny." Me: ??? Dad: "Come, on, fuzziekins, be a pal." So B4 Dad has a chance 2 call me by NE more embarrassing names, I'm all, ok, & I go next door.
"Oh, hey, Mom. Ms. Poirier. So, uh, I noticed you were laughing. What was so funny NEway?"
My mom: "April, don't you worry about what was so funny. It was about what happens between mommies and daddies, so it was none of your business!" Then she & Connie look @ each other & laugh all over again. I go back & tell Dad, & he just gets this pissy look on his face & goes back 2 his train room. After that, I just wanted 2 wash my brain. NEway, I don't even know what made me think of that day.
Cya, Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:55 AM
22 Comments:
At 7:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
My incomparable little cookie,
I just wanted to let you know that I will be at Becky's house all day today working on a geography project. We will be making a salt-and-flour map of the topography of liechtenstein. You may stop by if you like, but I know that geography is your least-favorite subject and that you probably won't want to, so please don't trouble yourself.
Sincerely and devotedly your loyal and faithful monogamous lover who will do it with nobody else forever, Gerald
At 7:26 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oh, right. I didn't see Becky's post there. Luxembourg. Right. I forgot.
Sincerely and exclusively yours always and forever, Gerald
At 7:32 AM,
April Patterson said…
becks, i think we were posting @ the same time. i just posted a comment 2 the last post.
i'll come by as soon as my dad starts his choo-choo routine. i just made sum cookies. yum. & yeh, lotsa ppl have told me my dad is creepy. sum even tell him so, but he doesn't seem 2 care. he's all "gotta b me!" then makes a pun & laffs w/his tongue out. ew.
oh, & 4got 2 say abt my mom & blondes. every once in a while, my mom tries 2 convince dee 2 go brown cuz it's "more dignified". she sez merrie doesn't count cuz she's little.
apes
At 7:33 AM,
April Patterson said…
oh, ger, didn't c yr post cuz i was posting myself. waittamin. do u not want me 2 come by? y wd that b?????
apes
At 10:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
commenting on stuff from yesterday's entry:
damn, i wish i did call him "schlong of small". i could call him and tell him that, but tin cans don't have phone numbers.
i just love my new makeover. it's kind of chin length and bangs that can easily be brushed back. and the blonde is great. the color looks better than my last jelly fatterson (great name!) unapproved dye job. the lady also taught me how to apply makeup as the other girls did it for me back at the gig.
the O show was great! i had a hard time understanding the lyrics like howie did, but it was still fun to watch. music isn't really about the lyrics to me anyway, it's about the beat of the music. thank god we didn't see celine dion. that bitch went to school with my aunt and called her all sorts of names. she wasn't much to look at back in those days so she had no right to talk.
the guys that keep hitting on me were just so gross. they had all the lame pick-up lines, like "do you want to see something swell?", "i'd marry your cat just to get in the family", "want to come see my HARD DRIVE? i promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy", "you're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear", and many other gross and stupid ones, (though I have to admit that the "hard drive" one was kind of funny). maybe if i tell them that i have a raging yeast infection, they'll leave me alone. though they'd probably ask if they could heal it with their "special powers".
i'm going to go to bed for a while now and maybe have some more "fun" with howie. see ya.
At 10:50 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
From your posts, you seem to be in a better mood than yesterday. I am glad about that. I want nothing for my bud but happiness.
I am surprised the toe thing with your uncle Ralph is a trick. It looked real to me. Have fun with the play dough, but watch out for Gerald. I got the impression from his posts he doesn’t like you very much.
Kortney and I just finished with a night of gambling. We tried the slot machines for awhile, but Kortney got bored with them and we went to the Black Jack tables. I am terrible at gambling and I was losing every time, until Kortney started helping me. She is real dekey. She told me, “Everything has a system. Once you figure out the system, then you win. It doesn’t matter if it’s cheque-forging, merchandise removal, or Black Jack. Just as long as no one figures out what you are up to, you are fine.”
After we played Black Jack for awhile, she made some comment about how this was easy, and then she started winning and only rarely lost a hand. She literally won 3 times what we had started with in Black Jack. I had never seen anything like it. Plus the neat thing about gambling in Las Vegas is that they give you free drinks and a free breakfast at their buffet, if you gamble for long enough. We had the buffet and now we are getting ready to go to sleep. I am exhausted from all the stuff we did over the last few days, but Kortney is really keyed up and says I need to help her relax. I am thinking full body massage. I am pretty good at doing those. You may not know this, but I worked briefly in a place where doing massages was my job.
I do have one story to tell. After we had been at the Black Jack tables awhile, these 2 security guys came up behind us and started whispering to each other and standing really close. Kortney was getting nervous, and she told me to get ready to run. Then one of the security guys went up to her and said, “Can I have your autograph Ms. Hilton?” Kortney about jumped out of her skin, but recovered and signed a name to 2 pieces of paper the guys were holding. The look on her face was priceless and I was giggling about that for the rest of the night. I think Kortney thought it was funny too, but she kept on telling me to shut up anyway.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 11:31 AM,
April Patterson said…
i m writing this fr. dunc's 'puter. i was on my way 2 becky's w/the cookies 4 her & ger, but then i got this im from dunc that was like "2 depressed! pls come ovr!" so i did & when i asked his ma where dunc was she just sorta waved @ his rm. i went there & found him all w/his coverz up ovr his head & his most depressing cd playing on the stereo. he didn't want 2 come out @ 1st, but when i mentioned the cookies he decided 2 take a break fr. hiding under the covrz. he sez his 'rents r starting 2 come around after getting becks's letter & also ger & me asking them 2 go e-z. but he's still bummed neway.
At 11:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
Apes, I dunno y theres a geography project w/ play-doh or paste or whatever in high school, sounds kind of babyish 2 me but what do I no, I dont even no if Im taking geography this semester.
My dad got out of bed this am an' made me get out of bed 2. He says hes not going 2 play choo-choos @ yr dads 2day 'cos my mom has "plans" 4 him 2day. Im staying in my room so my mom will mayB 4get Im here and wont think of "plans" 4 me 2.
Im going back 2 bed. L8r, mayB.
At 11:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
Im out of bed now. Thanks, Apes! I dont no y my 1st post took so long 2 appear.
At 3:53 PM,
howard said…
April,
Good luck with Duncan. I never met him, and Kortney has nothing good to say about him. In fact she had a number of other things to say about Duncan and his problems, which she will probably post herself.
We are taking a break from clothes shopping. Kortney has been trying on a lot of stuff. At first she was pretty pleased when people kept on saying to her, “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Paris Hilton?” But after the 20th time, she told me that it was time to go back into the hair salon. That’s where she is now. I think she is going for the red color she originally wanted. She didn’t want me with her, because I embarrassed her the last time we at the hair salon by being so picky about what the stylist was doing. Also, we had a little fight.
We were in this dress shop, and Kortney was trying on dresses. I saw this cute, pink micro-mini in a size 20 (my size) and tried it on. I must have looked smashing in it, because the shop people were all staring at me. However, when Kortney came out of the dressing room and saw me, she was livid. She pushed me into the dressing room, and started saying things like “I want my guy to dress like a guy” and “I thought we settled all that stuff this morning.” I guess it’s going to be just pants for me on this trip. It’s too bad, because guy clothes are so boring.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 4:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh, man. Im going back 2 bed now.
At 4:31 PM,
April Patterson said…
weird thing happened. dunc sed, "let's go 2 becky's house & see her & ger. mayB we can help with that project." only when he said "project" he said it in a funny voice. i'm all, ok, let's go.
so we get there, & becks's ma is sitting in her bathroom, watching terms of endearment & crying while eating fudge ripple ice cream.
me: hi, mrs. mcguire
mrs. m: that debra winger, she's such a great actress! (sob!) oh, hi, april, i c u brought that little perv w/u. gd thing becks isn't mad @ u ne-more, duncan.
dunc: yeah, mrs. mcguire, i sent becky a letter abt how sorry i am...
mrs. m: yeah, yeah, yeah. sh, let me hear this part. . . .
[deb winger death scene]
mrs. m: so what is it?
dunc: we're looking 4 becky & dunc.
april: they're doing a homework project?
mrs. m: they are, are they? well, if they're here, they're in the garage. go ahed & lk.
well, guess what? no1 in the garage. i saw ger's backpack, but no ger & no becks. wtf?
howie, i've known dunc a long time & he's been a good friend. kortney once threatened 2 knock my teeth out. on 1 hand, i can understand sum1 who works 4 my mom not liking her. heck, i've worked 4 her, & she thinx paying me is, like, optional cuz i'm fam. otoh, i like my teeth, u know? so what shd i think?
apes
At 6:58 PM,
howard said…
April,
I looked back through the posts for today and found that Becky said she was going to Gerald’s house for the project and Gerald said he was going to Becky’s house. So maybe they are wandering around trying to find each other. You should call over to Gerald’s house and see if Becky is there.
As for you and Kortney, I don’t know what happened and I try not to take sides. She can probably post her own answer; but she might not have meant what she said about your teeth. I haven’t really seen her be physically aggressive, well, except for this afternoon. I haven’t told you this story yet. Kortney had gotten out of the hairdresser with her new red hair and we were going to see one of those “free” afternoon shows they have in Las Vegas. It’s not really free, because you are required to buy a $10 drink as part of the admission. On the way there, these girls started pointing at her and following us. After awhile, Kortney turned around and said, “Why are you following us?” The girls said, “Lindsay, we just loved you in ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded.’ Can we have your autograph?” Kortney looked irritated, but signed their books anyway.
We saw the afternoon free show. It was a comedy magician, who was pretty good. On the way out, Kortney stopped in the ladies room and while she was there, these 2 States girls came over to talk to me. They were kind of flirting with me and said, “That’s an interesting accent. Where are you from?” I said, “Milborough, which is a little town outside Toronto.” They asked, “Toronto? Where is that?” I said, “Toronto is in Ontario.” They said, “Ontario, where is that?” I said, “Ontario is a province in Canada.” Then one of them said, “Oh, I know all about Canada. I saw that Joe Canada commercial. Would you like to eat some beaver?” At this point, Kortney returned, punched one of the girls, and shoved the other. They said, “OMG. It’s Lindsay Lohan! I’ve been punched by Lindsay Lohan!” So, I guess I have seen Kortney be physically aggressive.
Right now, we are back in the hotel room. I have just finished putting the patented Kelpfroth family double-twisted, back-curled, multi-ponied French braids in her hair, so she won’t look anything like Lindsay Lohan. She wanted to get her hair dyed again, but I told her it was not good for her hair to be dyed that much in such a short period of time.
We are going to have a nice romantic dinner, see the Blue Man Group at the Luxor Hotel, and I promised Kortney we would go dancing tonight. I think that will help her feel better.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
d'oh! i didn't notice that becks sed she was going 2 ger's house. i guess i lost some reading-comp skillz this summer w/all my horse whispering (no comments about pattersons being stupid, pls, kortney!). neway, i'm gonna go c if ger's @ his house. . . .
thanx, howard.
apes
At 8:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
huh. when i went 2 ger's house he & becky weren't there, but becky's backpack was in the den. how weird.
At 8:14 PM,
howard said…
April,
Maybe they went someplace else to work on the play dough relief map of Luxembourg. Did you see or smell any play dough when you were going between their houses?
We are heading out to the Venetian Hotel for our romantic dinner and then Kortney and I are going to do the gondola ride they have there. I will post you after we get back.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 8:21 PM,
Jase® said…
Maybe your mom and MS Poirier, were talking about somethings that of course your father doesn´t need to know, like... think!
BTW, first time coming here, I´m Jase® and I´m from Argentina.
P.S.: Nice Blog!
At 8:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
jase, w/my mom, that's what i m afraid of! :)
welcome 2 the blog & thanx!
howard, u kno, i didn't notice the smell of playdough, but i guess i wasn't really checking 4 it. well, i guess i'll find out b4 2 long. . . .
apes
At 10:35 PM,
howard said…
April,
Maybe Becky and Gerald have gone to the library to do the project. Have you tried there? Is there someplace she likes to go to do homework when things at her house get rough? Marjee’s place, maybe?
Kortney and I got back from the Venetian Hotel and the gondola ride they have there. The Venetian Hotel is simulated to look kind of like Venice, Italy and they have a waterway that goes through the inside of the building. The gondola ride includes a gondolier who sings Italian love songs. Our gondolier launched into the traditional favorite “O Sole Mio” by Edoardo Di Capua. Realizing that Kortney had never heard me sing, I convinced the gondolier to join me in “O Soave Fanciulla”, the duet from Puccini’s La Bohème with me doing the lady’s part. Kortney got this really odd look on her face, kind of like Becky did when I sang to her during the Garage Opera. I turned around to see what she was looking at, and as I did this, I lost my balance and tumbled into the fake waterway. Fortunately the water is not very deep. We are back at the hotel, and Kortney is still laughing at me as I post this to you. After Kortney does her own posting, we are off to see the Blue Man Group. I will post to you after we get back.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 12:16 AM,
howard said…
April,
I guess you must be in bed. I hope that you found Becky and Gerald, and that everything is all right. Becky is lucky to have a true friendship with you, and not some superficial one.
Kortney and I saw the Blue Man Group. She liked it. I didn't. It was too loud and claustrophobic for me. We are heading off dancing.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:55 AM,
howard said…
April,
We just got back from dancing. I know you are asleep and won’t read this until the morning, but I need to let you know about a conversation Kortney and I had. Kortney and I went to the Club Rio. We found a table, had a few drinks, and I said to Kortney, “Let’s dance.” She started to do a free style dance and I said, “No! I mean…dance.” Then I tried to do my best ballroom style with her. She said, “What are you doing? Only old people dance like that.” I told her how you had said ballroom dancing was what was cube these days. Kortney said, “Howie. You have got to stop taking advice from 14-year-old girls. Becky and April have both ‘been there,’ but that doesn’t make them adults.” I said, “What are you talking about? Becky and April have ‘been there’?” Kortney said, “Yeah…an’ even though you’ve ‘been there,’ that doesn’t mean you know what’s cube!”
I asked Kortney where she heard this about you and Becky. She told me how she had overheard a conversation with the underage kids, The C and MC DunC and Gordon Mayes at the then-existing “The Gig” gentlemen’s club on the day she had her audition to work there. They were trying to convince Gordon to let their band play at “The Gig.” Gordon had asked them if the girls in the band put some potion in the motion, or could make some eyes bug out. She remembered MC DunC had said something like “The girls in our band have both ‘been there’ and are definitely ‘hands on and roadside’ enough to play ‘The Gig.’” Kortney said she had read enough of the posts on your Real Blog to figure out that those boys were really Gerald and Duncan, and the girls in their band were you and Becky. I know you like Duncan, but is he the kind of guy to say this sort of thing about his female friends?
We are heading over to the Mirage Hotel Casino to gamble tonight. Post to you in the morning.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 8:33 AM,
April Patterson said…
ger & dunc were fulla shizzit, howard! i haven't "been there" & neither has becks. that "motion in the potion" & "making eyes bug out" crap is stuff he sed 2 us girlz when we were practicing 4 that band showcase where my string broke & we tanked.
it's all not true & i don't like that they talked abt us like that. i guess they did it cuz they wanted gordo 2 think we were kewl & sexy enuf for a place like the gig. still, i'm gonna have 2 talk 2 them. thanx 4 tellin' me.
apes
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