April's Real Blog

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Becky & I Have a Plan, Peeps

When I was at Becky's house that last time, we came up w/a plan. U C, my mom 4 some reason wants 2 believe we're still in a snit over the whole band thing from grad. We've actually been all thru this & we're over it, but my mom knows lots of teachers in this school. Like I said in the comments 2 my last post, I think my mom even had something 2 do w/school starting so early. She was on a special committee. NEway, she def. plans 2 "check in" w/some of the teachers she knows, & if what we're saying doesn't match w/what my mom thinx is going on, she's totally going 2 try 2 control everything. So we decided 2 pretend we're still on the outs. NE1 C how surprised I looked 2 find Becks behind me in that classroom? We totally planned that, peeps! NEway, Dunc & Ger, don't 4get 2 play along!

Better stop here! I just saw a teacher & I don't want my phone taken away.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:51 AM  

21 Comments:

  • At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Okay, I'm sure you all heard this on your radio or TV last night or this morning, but "The Gig" is gone. I'm in so much trouble.

    Having a hard time even writing this...yesterday seems like a year ago.

    The "Back to School" party got off to a very nice start.

    I got to park in the handicapped zone thanks to my walker. Made mom drive me, even though she was blubbing something about hospices (again!). She didn't realize that I just HAD to attend this, and it really wasn't the sort of place that she should go into, so I told her to wait in the lot. I think she met a nice limo driver up from New York -- I came out a little later to see if she had any cash -- and they were talking, he even invited her to "party" and gave her some vanilla Lik-M-Aid from his baggie. And they say New Yorkers aren't friendly to Canadians!

    But then lots of people arrived in limos. Many more individuals were lined up outside the door. This very attractive girl from "jennajameson.com" was handing out postcards and "Canookies Gone Wild" Canadian-flag wrapped condoms. The postcards had a rather lewd picture and a web URL, Jenna was supposed to show up tomorrow night for an appearance and a signing and sales of her book and some of her videos.

    There were people from Toronto, Detroit, Montreal, Ottowa, and even a man Gord introduced as Mr. Wiseguy from New York. Mr. Shakleford stayed in his office the whole time (he's really busy) but contacted me via IM on my cell when he needed something.

    The club had the best of everything. Italian leather and marble, oak railings, lighting worthy of Las Vegas, the bar alone was the size of a Starbucks. . .and never mind the fantasy-like champagne rooms.

    The band was playing (April, have you ever heard of the Backstreet Sluts?) but they all looked about 29 even though they were in gray miniskirts, white shirts, and blue sorta-sweaters (they were cut funny and tied under the breasteses). Oh, and kneesocks. But they weren't very good, the lead singer...sheesh. Don't know what she was doing to the microphone but she wasn't singing into it, that's for sure!

    I must say the dancers were top-noch. They were very professional. They had this totally drunk group of guys in pinstriped overalls screaming "bend down and let's see your caboose" and drinking beers out of an oilcan yelling "chugga-chugaa-chugga-chugga-WHOO WHOO!" (Gord was like "who let them in?") and they kept hollering stuff about putting Willie in the Boxcar, I dunno, but the dancers ignored them. One of the dancers totally flipped them off when one tried to tip her with a little toothbrush and tube of toothpaste in a clear plastic wrapper.

    Then the big "cheerleader" number came on. More dancers on stage than at any other point in the evening. On stage #1 they had five cheerleaders, stage #2 had a "hot teacher" and a "hot librarian" and a "hot school nurse" doing I-don't-know-what and stage #3 had more "innocent schoolgirls." The DJ was playing "Mickey" by Toni Basil and "Hot For Teacher" by Van Halen. I swear, Gord was trying to fit more people through the doors using a crowbar. These big expensive multi-color rotating stage lights cut in in synch to the music.

    Well, then all these sparks started flying out of the ceiling!

    It confused the DJ for a while, and he switched the song to that "What a Feeling" one from Flashdance. I think he thought the sparks were a special effect! The dancers did pretty well, considering, they all started pretending to weld the poles and stuff. Then this loud "ka-whoof" comes from backstage and everything started on fire. Two of the bouncers tried to put it out with the hose and super-squirter for the "wet t-shirt contest" later but instead of water it had this alcohol solution in it designed to evaporate very fast and cool the skin so the contestants' nipples get hard. When that stuff hit the fire the flames got really bad. It was like trying to put out a curtain fire with a flamethrower!

    Considering how crowded the club was it emptied out pretty fast. People were running and screaming and somebody threw a table through the plate glass window.

    I couldn't move too fast what with the walker. I got knocked to the floor in the rush. Luckily this really filled-out dancer who was playing the "hot librarian" (I think her name was Pepper Seidemann) said "climb aboard, pops" and lifted me on to her back. I hung on as best as I could, but I'm afraid I ended up grabbing on to her bare, well -- they were so big! Oh, I think I had one of those Canadian condoms stuck to my forehead too.

    I just got out just as the propane from the kitchen grills went up!

    So I'm heading out the door of a burning club into the dark parking lot, riding a naked stripper with my hair smoking and hands where a gentleman's don't belong and a condom stuck to my forehead when a camera-flash goes off right in my eyes. I didn't see who the photographer was but I suppose he was from a newspaper.

    When I could see again I saw Gordon literally tearing out his hair. It's not like in the cartoons, it actually makes your head kinda bloody. I stayed to show the fire department where the fireproof safe and important papers were kept.

    All that was left by the time it was over at about 4 am was one wall and part of the metal support system for the lights. The fire dept guys were looking at the wiring and shaking their heads. I think I heard one say "f___ing 220 cable braided. And who the hell makes grounding connections with bow ties?" And the safe disappeared!

    Then the bad news hit. I was talking to Milborough Property & Casualty and I about fainted. In all the confusion with the club opening early and me being in the hospital I forgot to rearrange the insurance. The Gig was only covered by construction insurance. But since customers were there construction insurance was void -- meaningless! The actual operating insurance didn't start until payment, the check was set to be electronically deposited Sept 7 for the real open on the 9th and I forgot to re-date everything! It's a total write off, no insurance at all. What about the lawsuits?

    AUUGH!

    Gord was a little nuts for a while but there were so many police and fire around that he calmed down and said that we'd take his boat (You've seen it, right? Sixty footer, the Don Ho) out on the lake next weekend and discuss it.

    Oh, and I'm back in the hospital. Just first degree burns. There's no hair on the whole back half of my head. Mike said my skull looks like a baboon's ass. Your brother is a real comedian, April.

    I have no job! I wish Liz was here!

     

  • At 9:33 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, anth! sum of the grade-12 boyz were sayin' they were there when all this happened @ the gig. those guys in the striped overalls? that sounds like my dad, dunc's dad, & their choo-choo club. how embarrassing!

     

  • At 10:18 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Just posting to you from Toronto Pearson International Airport. In a few minutes, Kortney and I are going to Las Vegas, Nevada. We found a little money I earned from doing that electrical work at “The Gig.” Kortney has wanted to go with someone to Las Vegas and gamble for a long time. So, we are off to Sin City. She is in the airport somewhere, probably making a post to this Blog. Even though we are traveling together, I have found that she likes to leave me notes here. She is kind of playful that way. I know that the two of you have had your disagreements in the past, but the more time I spend with Kortney, the more I like her.

    Just to let you know, we got rid of the Mtigwakians in Toronto. They gave us a bunch of fish to pay their share of the expenses for driving them to “The Big Smoke,” like that would actually help in paying for hotel and gas. They are dreadful people. I do not know how your sister can stand to live up there. Perhaps she likes the rustic lifestyle enough to put up with the crazy people. Who knows?

    We took a brief trip to Milborough to go to what used to be “The Gig,” to get some of Kortney’s stuff she left there and a few other things. There were a lot of firefighters there soaking the property. The place has apparently burned to the ground. Maybe Gordon Mayes has learned the hard way it isn’t wise to threaten someone doing electrical work for them.

    We also had a brief get together with Becky between classes at your high school. I really needed to see her and let her know I was all right. She said the two of you were pretending to fight for some reason, but she didn’t have enough time to go into details. I should mention that Becky was very amused by Kortney’s and my disguises. She will have to tell you about it herself. She will do a much better job of it than I would.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 10:30 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that xplains y becks was laffing when i saw her betw classes. we were running l8 so she didn't have a chance 2 tell me what was so funny!

     

  • At 11:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i like my disguise, but i wish the wig was red. i've always wanted to have red hair. i also wish there was a way to hide the nose, but what can you do? maybe there'll be a good surgeon in vegas.

    those mtirogersneighborhood people were very crazy. i think i would kill myself before living with those nuts. one of them wanted to give me a native name, something stupid like "morning sky big nose". i wanted to tell him to go to hell, but he was already there so...

    i can't believe the gig is gone but of course the "old man" had to mess everything up. they shouldn't trust the "elderly" to run a business.

    unfortunately, all of my things were destroyed but i guess that's a sign that i'm meant to get the hell away from milborough and go somewhere where howie and i can have a better life.

    oh, and it was great to see that becky was not laughing with her tongue out. i guess that's only a lame patterson thing.

    off to vegas. i won't be here for a while, so i hope i can get back in the swing of things.

    oh, and gerald and duncan: i'll deal with you two later, but I will say that both of you are a bunch of lying sacks.

     

  • At 12:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ugh, becks, sumtymz i can barely stand me. i wish i weren't so weak abt standing up 2 my mom. i can't blame u 4 being mad @ me. i'm glad u'll stick w/our plan 4 a while. i'm trying 2 grow a spine, tho i kno it's hard 2 tell. god, mayB i'm doomed 2 b a typical patterson after all. gah, i'm abt 2 cry & i c the teacher coming ovr 2 make sure i'm using this 'puter 4 class stuff.

    apes

     

  • At 12:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Most evil and vile Kortney,

    As my wise old grandfather says,
    "Sticks and stones may break my bones,
    But names will never hurt me."

    I have already confessed my deplorable untruths. My prevarication was motivated only by a desire to impress my friend Duncan, who has infinitely attitude and presence than I can ever hope to aspire to. He is, after all, a gangster rapper with a verifiable criminal record. While my smooth Old World charm has yet to fail me with women, I find I do not get much respect from my male peers. I am particularly concerned about this as I enter into senior high school because I understand that the Grade 12 lads have been known to actually--pardon me for being crude--perforate a new orifice in the cleft between the buttocks when giving atomic wedgies to freshpersons.

    Also, I am hoping that increasing my attractiveness quotient will allow me to finally get some pussy.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 2:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Now I no y my moms so mad @ my dad an' y my dad's choo-choo uniform is all covered w/ soot an' smells like smoke.

    My mom didnt even notice that I didnt go 2 school again 2day 'cos she keeps yelling @ my dad every 5 min 2 get out of bed. My mom wont take me 2 the pawn shop so I still have my 'puter an' my bass. I dont care, tho. Im not even in yr homeroom, Apes. MayB Becker's mom made the school do that. An' Ger is prolly telling every1 that Im a perv w/ a record when I dont have a record, just a lawyers bill.

    Im going back 2 bed. L8r, mayB.

     

  • At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    speaking of stick & stones breakin bones my sis dolly sed that same thing 2 me back in 1984 & me & my bro jeffy threw stick & stones at her. she was cryin & mommy took away my atari but it got it back.

     

  • At 3:29 PM, Blogger howard said…

    AnthDad2FranMilboro,

    Now that Kortney and I are safely out of town, I can tell you this. There is a room, with which you are well-acquainted, that has walls covered with pictures of Elizabeth. The legal documents and other business papers from "The Gig" safe are there.

    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 4:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becky, i m afraid 2 say nething else rite now. i wanna make thingz better but somehow l8ly when i wanna make thingz better i f-up & make 'em worse. btw, i just got back fr. being sent 2 the counselor cuz my eyes were all red & swollen.

    then i tried calling liz betw. classes. but i got this message saying her cell account had been cancelled! liz, if u r reading this, pls leave a note 2 say if u r ok or not!

     

  • At 4:23 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I know high school can be so boring that it seems like one day lasts for weeks. When you are heading to Las Vegas however, time seems to fly faster than normal. Kortney and I are currently in the Minneapolis airport. Our next flight will be the final leg of our trip to Las Vegas. While we are waiting, I am posting to you. Kortney is off close by, doing her own posting.

    Kortney is not happy to be disguised as an old lady. I tell her that once we get the senior discount on the hotel in Vegas, then she can change to something more glamorous. We are going to have to do some major clothes shopping. Kortney’s stuff got torched in “The Gig” and I couldn’t get my clothes from my apartment in Milborough, because one of Gordon’s goons was watching the place. Fortunately, we have more than enough cash for several shopping sprees.

    Kortney really wants to dye her hair red and to get some plastic surgery done on her nose. One of the nasty natives in Mtigwaki called her "morning sky big nose" and she has been fuming about it ever since. I would rather not spend our time in Las Vegas recovering from surgery, so I am trying to talk her into getting a makeover and dying her hair blonde. With her slender figure, distinguished nose and blonde hair, she would be a dead ringer for Paris Hilton, who is considered by some to be very glamorous.

    I don’t like to hear that my bud is crying so much. Before we left Milborough for the Toronto airport, I did leave you a surprise that is under your front door mat. I was so busy trying to get on the plane in Toronto; I forgot to tell you about it in my last post. I burned a CD from the recording I made at the Garage Opera. The sound quality is not great, but I hope it will bring a smile to your face. Look for it when you get home from school. Oh, and tell your uncle Ralph to hold onto the checks until we get back.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i'm so glad u r ok. u hadn't mentioned cancelling yr phone, so i wuz afraid something terrible might have happed.

    apes

     

  • At 5:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i guess i could dye my hair blonde once we get there. i tried that once when i started working with ol' turnip nose and she called me a "becky mcguire only child wannabe" and threatened to fire me if i didn't dye it back. i did, which was so stupid of me. plus, i've always admired paris for slacking off on her farm duties on the first "simple life". I don't have the same big feet she does, but i don't think that would matter.

    i should have called that native dude "schlong of small" but i didn't want to be rude, as it could have blown our cover.

    and now that you mention it, howard, i don't want to have to recover from surgery either. having rhinoplasty is a bitch anyway.

     

  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Kortney,

    The way I feel about those Mtigwaki people, I wouldn’t have minded a bit if you called him “schlong of small,” cover or no cover.

    By the by, I am looking forward to you getting your makeover and dye job. I want you to look fabulous, so I will be watching the hairdresser like a hawk. Just to let you know, sometimes hairdressers have had to tell me to back off, when I was around my friends getting their hair done. So you just let me know when I am turning it on too strong.

    I am so sorry you had bad times in Milborough, but we are going to have a blast in Vegas. I have good news. I got us into the Bellagio Hotel, with a room looking out over those Fountains that do the water show to music. Plus I have tickets to see the Cirque du Soleil show in the Bellagio, which you wanted to see, “O.” I hope that’s what you meant when you told me you wanted me to give you the big “O” tonight. It looks like the cast people do a lot of stunt diving into water, so it should be fun.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 7:33 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Vegas sounds hella cool! I think Kortney means shopping for more clothes an' shoes at Overstock.com, 'cause that lady in the commercials says "it's all about the O."

     

  • At 7:50 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Vicki Simone,

    We are going to do some major shopping. It has been awhile since I bought dresses for someone other than myself. I hope Kortney likes the show though. The guy I bought them from, said I was lucky to get them, because the show sells out pretty far in advance.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 9:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My own little Charlie's Angel,

    I think it would be swell if we could get together tonight for a proper date to the movies and that charming bistro downtown. Then, afterwards, I can escort you back to your parents' house where we can sit on the couch and watch "Canadian Idol" while holding hands. Then, when your parents go to bed, we can get naked and give each other the Big O.

    Sincerely and devotedly your passionate lover forever, Gerald

    P.S.--Please notice that I am becoming quite observant and have learned to log out of Becky's blogger account after I hack into it.

     

  • At 10:31 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I am sorry to hear that you had a shrink who likes to prescribe medication. When I was younger I practically lost a year of my life to one of those quacks, who kept me so doped up I could hardly remember anything from day to day. It was one of the happiest days of my life, when I finally learned how to flush medication. I am glad that my bud is already so smart about such things.

    Thanks for the compliment on my voice from the CD of the Garage Opera. You are on there and you sound really good, too. I know sometimes when you hear a recording of your own voice, it doesn’t sound the same as when you hear yourself sing, but trust me on this one.

    Kortney got her makeover. She will have to post the details of it herself. You know those Extreme Makeover reality TV shows. It’s like that. Kortney had that shocked look on her face when she saw the final result for the first time. She looks so good now; I can hardly believe it is the same woman. We were eating at the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Bellagio Hotel, and literally every guy in the room was staring at her. There were a lot of married men getting smacked across the head by their wives for staring too much. I was getting kind of jealous of Kortney, but in a nice way. Usually when I’m out with friends, I’m the pretty one.

    Kortney read your post about my being gay, and she told me that since I had been with girls, I wasn’t gay. I was Bi. It’s confusing to me. The last girl I was with was Bea, and I was really in love with her before she broke my heart. I really have not been interested in girls since then. Kortney is pretty much the exact opposite of Bea. She is wild and a lot of fun to be with. We are off to see “O”. I hope it is as good as its reputation.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 2:33 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    We got back from seeing “O.” It is a fantastic show, although it took me awhile to realize the lyrics to all the songs were gibberish. I kept on thinking, “What is that language?” I suppose they do that so the show will work for all people, particularly the large number of Japanese that were in the audience.

    I got the wired Western Union money from your uncle Ralph already. He does not waste any time. Please tell him thank you from me. By the by, I had heard the story about him being abducted by aliens. When we were working together, I asked him about it. He told me the whole gruesome story with a completely straight face. I asked him if he had any proof and he took off his right shoe and sock and showed me where he has what appeared to be a sixth toe. He said it was an alien communicator implanted in his body. I am known to be gullible, so I did not believe him until he put a volt meter up to the toe and started measuring amps off of it. I don’t know how he could have faked that.

    As for me and Bea, and being gay or bi, this is a pretty heavy discussion for this Blog. All I can really say is that with Bea it didn’t matter what gender she was. Most of the time I don’t find girls attractive, but with Bea it was different. I don’t know what that makes me.

    Kortney is doing a couple of posts and then she wants to gamble. She plans to stay up all night. “Play at night. Sleep in the day.” I am pretty tired, but I have to go to keep the guys off her. That is the downside to her looking so good right now. These States guys have been hitting on her all night. It doesn’t matter if I am sitting right next to her; they come up and say lines like, “I wish I was cross-eyed, so I could see you twice.” Or “My love for you is like diarrhea because I just can’t hold it in.” Or “How did you get through security, because baby you’re the bomb?” Kortney has a few of her favorites that she might share in her next post. Anyway, they are so obnoxious. If I protest and they hear my accent they say, “Are you Australian?” I say, “No. I am Canadian.” Then they say, “Australian. Canadian. What’s the difference?” Or they say things like, “It’s because of you Canadians, Caesar’s Palace was taken over by Celine Dion.” They are almost as bad as Mtigwakians; but at least they don’t pay out winnings in fish.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 7:24 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i m sorry it took me so long 2 reply. this is the 1st chance i got. yeh, u're not kidding about us all needing therapy. by ne chance was that shrink u went 2 named dr. wendel unterschnoggelworth, md, phd, edd, jd? cuz the school counselor gave me a ref. slip 4 him. & if so, i think i m scared 2 go. i looked up freud in liz's old psych textbk, & it soundz like that doc mite have been his worst student. cuz fr. what i cd understand, i don't think the theory is supposta b that u really wanna kill 1 parent & marry the other. just that u feel kinda jellus & competitive. like u want yr dad 2 pay more attention 2 u than 2 yr mom.

    if u don't want me 2 go w/u 2 that party, that's ok. i kno it's imp. 2 u & i don't wanna screw it up by making u upset.

    ger, stop hacking becky's blogger acct! if u don't knock it off, u will nev. get past 1st base* w/ me!

    apes

    *that one time you gave my boobs a quick squeeze while saying "honk honk" doesn't count!

     

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