Mom on the Road
OK, so Mom's been back from Mtiglalalalalalalalalala for a while now, but 4 some reason this morning she was suddenly in the mood 2 talk about her trip back. This morning ov. breakfast, she was complaining 2 Dad abt the music Liz gave her 2 listen 2 on the way home. "Y can't she B in2 Bobby Curtola like a normal person?" Mom and Dad weren't really talking 2 me this morning cuz they were mad @ me abt that "date" w/Gerald last nite.
Becky wanted 2 know Y I'm so mad @ Ger & what's the biggie abt making out w/yr bf @ the movies. Well, there's nothing wrong w/making out @ the movies & I totally wd have been in2 it. IF MY PARENTS WEREN'T SITTING WITH US. Sorry, Ger, but I can't get in the mood 4 that with my dad next 2 me & my mom next 2 U. & guess what, Becks? If Ger had bothered 2 find out what I wanted 2 do instead of making all these planz w/out me I woulda said come ov. & help me study vocab, just like U & Jeremy did. & guess what? He woulda got some lovin'. I totally mean that.
As it is, I mite end up grounded cuz my 'rents totally think that it was my idea 2 have Ger call them & talk them in2 letting us go out on a school nite. & then Ger's dad told my dad about Ger going 2 Dr. Willy "Perv" Schlanger. So then, cuz my dad knows this guy's rep, he suddenly thought we had this big plan 2 go roadside. & he wanted 2 cancel. But my mom, 4 sum bizarre reason, sed that we'd all go instead so they could "monitor" us. But based on Howie's post last nite, I wonder if it's just cuz she wanted cinema food.
NEway, I've been studying my flash cards 4 vocab, but I'm still pretty frazzy. Oh, & also, the only thing Mom sed directly 2 me this morning was sumthin' about wearing my hair in a very, very tight bun "like Becky's nice music teacher."
BFN, Apes
Becky wanted 2 know Y I'm so mad @ Ger & what's the biggie abt making out w/yr bf @ the movies. Well, there's nothing wrong w/making out @ the movies & I totally wd have been in2 it. IF MY PARENTS WEREN'T SITTING WITH US. Sorry, Ger, but I can't get in the mood 4 that with my dad next 2 me & my mom next 2 U. & guess what, Becks? If Ger had bothered 2 find out what I wanted 2 do instead of making all these planz w/out me I woulda said come ov. & help me study vocab, just like U & Jeremy did. & guess what? He woulda got some lovin'. I totally mean that.
As it is, I mite end up grounded cuz my 'rents totally think that it was my idea 2 have Ger call them & talk them in2 letting us go out on a school nite. & then Ger's dad told my dad about Ger going 2 Dr. Willy "Perv" Schlanger. So then, cuz my dad knows this guy's rep, he suddenly thought we had this big plan 2 go roadside. & he wanted 2 cancel. But my mom, 4 sum bizarre reason, sed that we'd all go instead so they could "monitor" us. But based on Howie's post last nite, I wonder if it's just cuz she wanted cinema food.
NEway, I've been studying my flash cards 4 vocab, but I'm still pretty frazzy. Oh, & also, the only thing Mom sed directly 2 me this morning was sumthin' about wearing my hair in a very, very tight bun "like Becky's nice music teacher."
BFN, Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:12 AM
26 Comments:
At 9:08 AM,
April Patterson said…
of course not, that wd have been totally wasted. no matter what u gave her, she wd think it was all "boom boom, chukka wukka, boom boom, assblatt," ne-way. so gd call, liz!
i hope some of yr friends in mtig played a prank on mom when she left. she hasn't sed ne-thing, but i know sum of their jokes are slow-acting.
apes
At 9:18 AM,
howard said…
April,
Does this mean that Liz kept the Bobby Curtola music for herself? That's a chilling thought.
I hope your mom doesn't do anything painful to achieve the "very, very tight bun." I am feeling bad that my little joke with your mother may cause you problems. Maybe you should ask her to show you on herself how to get the "very, very tight bun" before she tries anything on you.
By the by, thank you for showing me how to play bridge on Saturday. I expect it will come in handy today. And if you should happen to visit your grandpa, look me up and maybe we can work on some "bun-like" hairstyles that are a little more fashionable and still satisfy your mother.
Off to work the palace,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 9:31 AM,
April Patterson said…
no, liz can't stand the curtola muzik. mom did give her a cd of his as a prezzie, but i m pretty sure she uses it as a coaster.
thanx 4 the idea abt having mom demo the v.v. tite bun on herself. that's genius.
yw abt the bridge. i will lk 4 u the next time i stop by the palace & will also get the grand-c pix 2 u as soon as i can.
apes
p.s. i got a 90 on my vocab quiz, which isn't bad, but mom will be all "y didn't u get a perfect score?" i can't believe i 4got "assauge" and "undulate".
At 10:42 AM,
April Patterson said…
becks, that's so gr8 abt yr 98. i m mad @ myself 4 the wds i missed cuz i knew them on the bus. then during the quiz i kept thinking abt how i mite b grounded & also every time gerald caught my eye he blew a kiss @ me. & i know it's supposed to b "assuage", not "assauge", but i m all discombobbed! erg.
wow, i can hardly believe that the tongue thing is true. how weird is it that sumthing we made up, esp. sumthing so bizarro, cd b real!
howie, becks is rite, we r not trying 2 keep ne gay men in reserve. we both plan 2 live sumwhere other than m-boro sumday, ne-way. i think becks wants 2 try out hollywood or nyc in the states. & laura was totally talking up the pre-vet-med proggy @ uwinnipeg when i was there. i really think it's 2 early 4 me 2 have uni all figured out, but i do like the idea of going far away 4 it.
At 11:17 AM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, it was the tongue kisses that totally made me mess up those 2 words.
when we got home last nite, my 'rents were all "april go 2 yr room NOW!" this morning they were all "april, when u get home fr. school 2day, we will decide yr punishment. we r 2 busy discussing that musik the young ppl r listening 2 & thinking up punz 2 deal w/u now."
i was really surprised abt that list of ppl yr dad has been w/, esp. crazee & uggo fiona. (& candace!) but i did't wanna say ne-thing that wd make u feel worse. cuz last wk, when stacey-margaret bloomstocking was like "yr dad's a slut" u were like "i'll kick yr uptight little arse"!
apes & unauthorized pooter usage during 3rd per.
At 12:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
My lovely little licorice lace,
I am deeply sorry if my expressions of love during first period caused you to perform less that optimally on your vocabulary test. If it makes you feel any better, I received a mere 68 percent of the questions right. Miss Morris gave me a D+ and has sent a note home to my parents. I think I was too distracted by my attempts to demonstrate my love for you. I will try to restrain myself in the future. My mother says that if I don't earn at least a C in English, she will require me to drop out of the band and break up with you. I would sooner die!
I am using the nurse's computer again. We have struck up quite a friendship. I told her all about my romantic travails, and she told me all about how her boyfriend "Thorvald" (strange name) was sentenced 180 days in city jail. She kept telling me how lonely and sexually frustrated she is. I feel that I have made another true bosom friend. She gave me a tube of something called "KY Jelly" from the dispensary and told me that it might aid in the relief of my suffering. Since they don't serve toast in the cafeteria, I will have to wait until I'm home this evening to try it.
I must go now. If I am late for geography one more time, Mrs. Prescott says she will fail me.
Sincerely your devoted love slave forever, Gerald
P.S.--Becky, as the leader of 4Evah, I graciously accept your offer on behalf of myself and the rest of the band.
At 12:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
retrying this cuz blogger 8t it when i tried b4!
becks, mad props 2 u 4 getting another gig! i wd love it if we did backup. how 'bout it, ger & dunc? (oh, ger's post came in while i was pre-vuing this. hey, i thought i was the leader! ne-way, r u in, dunc?)
oh, & u r rite about stacey-margaret. ev. ger punched her out once, after she was all "wdn't u rather have a nice, pure gf like me insteada that patterson slut?" & dunc punched her out when she sed every1 fr. barbados worships the devil.
actually, while my mom was in m-boro, i talked my dad in2 upgrading my phone. when my mom does her morning confiscation, i just give her the old 1. she has no clue. lol. i'm posting fr. the new phone now.
apes
At 12:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
quit it, comments glitch!
At 12:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
oopsie, i ment "when my mom was in mtigwherelizlives" up above.
oh, & ger, don't eat the ky. it's not that kind of jelly 4gawdsakes. read the label.
oh, & "thorvald" is becks's dad's naym.
2 stacey-marg. i'm a slut cuz i french-kiss ger. 2 normal ppl, that's not slutty.
apes
At 1:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, rite, i 4got 2 answer abt dunc & barbados, but, yeah, that's y he has an accent. he's been trying 2 lose it tho, cuz whenever he comes over my mom's all, "oh, duncan, u still speak with the sweet hint of an accent." he sez he's sick 'n' tired of hearing that fr. my mom. who can blame him? mom's such a freak.
apes
At 2:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
omigod, ger did that joke again? does he do it cuz he thinx it's so funny, or does he keep 4getting that he's already done it b4 & b4 & b4?
no, the way dunc talks is his accent. i will let dunc answer u himself abt his orientation. i thot i saw him kissin' kimmy lasalle rite outside the caf during lunch, tho.
At 2:54 PM,
howard said…
April,
Judging from the posts, it sounds like you and Becky are having a good day at school. Thank you for the posts telling me that I wasn't your gay reserve. I knew that Rhetta wasn't telling the truth about you two.
I had a nice meeting with your step-grandmother Iris, where I learned quite a bit the whole subject. I was cleaning the hall at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace and heard this commotion in an apartment. It sounded like some construction workers were using a lot of lewd language to women passing by the building. I knocked on the apartment door and a lady answered it. I asked if she had construction workers in there. She said no and showed me to the balcony where I saw 2 old men looking at a group of women on the sidewalk below. The men were saying things like, “Shake that thing baby. Show me that you like it. How gig can you go? Let me see your roadside.” And they were whistling and cat-calling and saying all sorts of other things that I do not care to repeat.
There were 2 ladies inside the apartment, your step-grandmother Iris and her friend May. They explained that their husbands, Jim and Frank quite frequently gawked and made comments to the pretty girls. I asked them how they could tolerate such behaviour from their husbands. May said, “That leering is music to my hearing.” Then May and Iris smiled at each other and Iris said, “That was one conversion that worked.” Iris said they were talking about Frank, because Jim was a second marriage for her.
I introduced myself. Then Iris said, “Oh you’re that gay custodian we’ve heard about.” Then before I could reach my cards, they both placed their tongues in a spot where a tongue doesn’t need to be. I said, “How could you do that, with your husbands right out there on the balcony?” May said,”Oh a Milborough girl always has to have a back-up gay. ‘You marry them, then you bury them.’” Then Iris and May giggled. I told them that was a little gruesome. They said it was just a fact of life in Milborough. Something about the town prematurely ages the straight men. May told me that when she was growing up in Milborough they used to have a class in school to teach the girls growing up how to properly convert a gay man. She related, “’Date the straight, spray the gay’ was the catchphrase. Now these young girls don’t know how to do a proper conversion. They think the tongue thing is how it’s done, but that’s just how you mark your territory. The gay political lobby had them take the class out of the schools, so now the girls today are just ignorant.” Iris said, “That Mrs. Blum still teaches a class down at the Jewish Community Center.” I got chills when I heard the name. I asked, “So what is the proper way of converting?” May told me and I don’t care to repeat it here. It was awful. Although I suddenly understood why I had been sore in unusual places the 3 mornings I was with Rhetta. I just said to the women, “That’s disgusting. How can anyone even do that, without the gay guy stopping them?” May said, “The men need to be unconscious first. Today’s modern girls usually drug them. It’s kinder and gentler I suppose. Back in the old days, a frying pan across the head was pretty effective. It was easier when the man was out. Even then a girl has to be pretty limber. I don’t see anyone doing it outside of their teenage years. Plus we had Murphy beds in those days, and that helped a lot.”
I asked them why I had never heard of this before the last few months. Iris said that I probably worked in a gay owned and operated business. She said, “There are several of them in Milborough specifically set up by the gay community to limit their association with straight women. It allows the gay men to fly beneath the gaydar.” I thanked Iris and May for their information. Iris said as I was leaving that I should take my cards out of the plastic, so I could get them out faster. That ended up being very good advice.
Anyway, your step-grandmother was very nice and she makes a great fruitcake. Talk to you on my next break,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 3:16 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, howard, i thot of another way u can keep the biddies distracted besides bridge & grand-c pix. Ask them about WWII. Like this, "I'll bet u have sum great stories about yr life during the war". they all have "war" stories.
apes
At 3:27 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Thank you for the history about Iris. I guess that is why May was doing most of the talking about the conversion stuff, since Iris is not a native Milboroughan.
By the by, congratulations on the Sam Driver party this weekend. I am so glad my bud is getting all these parties. It will be a great opportunity for you. Sam Driver is a good friend with Judge Parker who rarely comes out into public anymore since he got married years ago. Maybe he will be at the party. If you impress him, you can get even more bookings. He knows a lot of people from way back.
April,
Thanks for the suggestion about WWII. I will give it a try. I hope the ladies have as many stories as I have already heard from the men.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 3:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear friends and my gorgeous little guitarist,
I took April's wise advice and read the tube of KY jelly that Nurse Horbreth gave me. This is what it says on the side:
Indications: K-Y® Brand Jelly lubricates condoms and is recommended for personal lubrication when vaginal dryness causes discomfort. It also eases insertion of rectal thermometers, enemas, and tampons.
I do not understand why she thinks this product will cure what ails me. I don't have vaginal dryness (that I know of), and I don't use tampons, condoms, enemas, or rectal thermometers--at least not on a regular basis. I went to throw it out but Kimmy LaSalle saw me and asked me if she could have it, so I gave it to her.
I think I will stick with Dr. Schlanger's wise counsel. My package is already nearly as good as new. I don't know why the nurse thought using tampons, enemas and the like would help. If they did, surely Dr. Schlanger would have prescribed them.
My darling April--now that Big Gerald doesn't need my full attention any longer, would you like to get together to study for our geography of Europe test? I keep mixing up the Rhine and the Rhone rivers. Perhaps we can play a kissing game to help motivate us.
Willing to flay himself alive to win your love, Gerald
At 4:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
u r lucky, ger, cuz insteada grounding me, the 'rents decided 2 give me a bunch of xtra chorez, like detailing the crevASSe and oiling the choo-choos. whew.
how 'bout u come ov. in about 10 mins? i have some bread baking in the oven & i wanna make sure we get 2 have sum b4 my mom gets here & eats everything in site.
i think there's sumthin' boys can do w/the ky when they're by themselves w/their porn. @ least i have this really vague memory of finding a tube of it w/a stash of dirty magz in mike's rm when i was around 3 & he was 18.
apes
At 6:16 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, did u make planz w/kimmy after school? u dawg u!
ne-way, gerald just left cuz it's dinner time & my mom claimz we don't have enuf food 2 feed a guest. which is weird cuz she made a giant pot of chili. oh, well.
so, we totally stole yr kissing game, becks, & now i think i know the european geog. really well. ger wanted 2 add sum 2nd & 3rd base "rewards" 4 the more diff questions, but i said 4get it. nice try, tho.
well, i'd better run if i wanna get ne chili.
apes
At 6:44 PM,
howard said…
April,
Some interesting news. Your grandpa heard me singing, while I was cleaning the common room bathrooms and asked me to join in a few numbers with his band, when they play at the Larchwood Lodge Activity Center tonight. Apparently, the other guy I met earlier today, Frank, plays the keyboards in the band. I told them I could sing anything they played written by Cole Porter, and he said they know quite a few numbers by him. He also promised that I did not have to sing any Bobby Curtola numbers. Apparently, somebody in your family has made a big deal about performing Bobby Curtola music at each of their concerts as a sign of being a true patriotic Canadian. Anyway, Frank’s son is coming by to pick up their instruments in a few minutes. I am going to help him set up and ride with him to the Activity Center. It should be fun. If you or Becky can get away from homework duties on a school night, I would love to see you there.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 6:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
I just got home from school. I hafta b quick 'cos Im l8 4 dinner.
Yeah, Im Bajan, Beckers, but we moved 2 Mboro when I was 3 so I dont remember nething abt Barbados but the goat farm. I dont think I have ne accent nemore but I dont wanna argue w/ Mrs. P.
Another weird thing happened 2day, Apes. My mom says that yr mom wants 2 come 2 our place 2 learn some Bajan recipes from my mom. I dunno y.
p.s. Beckers, as leader of 4Evah, I say ok 2 the gig.
At 7:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wow April what a weekend.
Mine was even weirder.
There was a little party on the dock before we set off in the Don Ho. Mike was there, and Weed. Weed's entering a news picture he took recently in some kind of contest, but he wouldn't show it to me. Mike, however, showed me an essay he wrote about Elly. It takes place when your dad was in Dental College and they were poor. I guess one Christmas they had so little money they could only afford to buy each other one gift. Elly got John a new chain for his valuable pocket watch, a gift from his dad. But she had to sell her hair to do it. John got her hairbrushes! And he had to sell his pocket watch. It ends with them both laughing and John saying "A hair in time saves Christmas" which didn't strike me as that funny, but Mike said Dee wet her pants from laughing.
Gord didn't let Mike onto the boat, Mike was disappointed until Gord said something about there being a stripper with his name on her ass back at the Roadside, waiting for him.
So it was Gord, Lawrence, and some of the "crew" from Lakeshore and the Dealerships. There was a big washtub and a pile of instant cement on the deck and I asked Gord about it. He said it was hurricane relief supplies for Louisiana. Just when I think Gord's being a real jerk to me he goes and shows his human side.
They served these great little cocktail sausages in a vodka sauce that Gord said he had his wife specially make for the occasion, they're called "Drowned Weenies." You should get the recipe for your mom, though I guess she'd never put vodka in anything.
We got out on the lake, pretty much out of sight from the shore. Everyone got cigars. Gord started giving this speech to everyone about his "enthusiasms." "And what's my enthusiasm? Hockey!" He took out this big silver-tipped Gretzky memorial hockey stick. Started talking about how a hockey team was only as strong as its weakest member, and they couldn't have one member letting the team down. I was getting a little worried about where he was going with this, plus he was waving this stick around right under our chins like he was building up momentum...
When the boat did a sharp turn. I fell out!
Turned out DEA was in high speed pursuit in a power boat!
I guess Gord didn't notice me fall out of the boat, they took off without so much as throwing me a life preserver.
Well, to make a long story short the DEA picked me up. I got held for a while, I guess the cigar was Cuban or something. They released me, and even gave me this really nice plastic Orchid to keep in my office. They gave me another one to give to Gord, and asked that I bring it back to them in a few weeks so they can change the batteries. I don't know why you'd have to change the batteries in a plastic orchid, but they're Americans after all. They're always coming up with new gizmos.
Anyway, that was my wild and wet pool party!
At 7:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
I was l8 coming home from school 'cos I was helping Kimmie look 4 her lost pet c monkey. It took awhile 2 find it. L8r.
At 8:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
howie, gr8 news abt the singing. ma sez no abt the school-nite thing. she sez it's a firm rule now & no more talking out of it. hope u have fun, tho.
that soundz scaree, anth. that cia stuff soundz like sumthin' out of a u.s. spy movie.
dunc, u don't think u have an accent cuz u r used 2 the way u sound. u do have an accent, but it's very very slite. my mom makes a big deal out of it, but most ppl don't really notice it.
oh, & we all wanna hear abt u & kimmy. yeah, we r nosy!
apes
At 8:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, & anthony, mike totally plagiarized that short story "the gift of the magi" by o. henry. i had 2 read it last year in grade 8. whatta foob!
apes
At 8:53 PM,
howard said…
April,
I don’t think I am going to get to perform with your grandpa’s band anymore after tonight. We got to the Larchwood Lodge Activity Center. Frank’s son and I set up the equipment. Your grandpa has a pretty good size group. They have a clarinetist, an accordionist, a cellist, a violinist, a pianist, 3 guitarists, a string bass player, a saxophonist, and someone who plays spoons n' jaw harp. My eyes must have been going bad on me, because even though I knew there were 11 instruments being played, it looked like there were only 5 people playing.
They started off with “Fortune Teller” by Bobby Curtola to get that song out of the way. Some lady was yelling “Bobby. Bobby” in the back all through that number.
Then they did:
When the Saints go Marching In
Stop in the Name of Love
Blue Suede Shoes
Chattanooga Choo-Choo
Tonight is the Night
Then your grandpa said, “And now the new Bentwood Rockers would like to present a special guest artist, Coward Helpforth.” Then I sang 5 Cole Porter numbers:
I Get A Kick Out Of You
In The Still Of The Night
It's De-Lovely
Night And Day
And then we concluded with “Begin The Beguine”
The crowd appeared to like the music. It seemed to go pretty well until after the concert. This line of women came up to the stage and stuck their posteriors up in our faces. I was shocked until I saw the other guys with pens signing their bottoms. So, I asked the lady in front of me if I could borrow a pen. She said yes and asked me what my name was. I said, “Well I was introduced as Coward Helpforth, but my name is actually Howard Kelpfroth.” Then she started shrieking out, “It’s the gay custodian, ladies! He’s right over here!” I quickly reached into my pocket for my cards and said, “Would you like to play a few hands of Bridge?” That distracted a few of them, but it was not enough to dissuade the others. The next thing I know, I was pinned to the wall by 3 ladies wielding walking canes, while the others took turns sticking their tongues in a place that never deserved a tongue. When they were finally done, Frank and Jim and the rest of the guys in the band were muttering to themselves about how I had taken all their groupies and had ruined their favorite part of doing concerts.
I helped Frank’s son take down the equipment and load it. He was still friendly to me, but the other guys didn’t talk to me after we got back. When I got home, I had to call Rhetta and tell her what I did today for the surety thing. She thought the whole story was very amusing. I have to take a bath now.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth, AKA Coward Helpforth
At 9:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, howard, that soundz just awful. my gramps mite change his mind if u go up 2 him w/a sincere look on yr face & say, "u know, april told me u r a decorated WAR HERO!" (really emphasise that last part. that alwayz gets him.) he'll act sorta embarrassed 4 abt 2 seconds & b all, "no, i'm no HERO!" but then he'll talk yr ears off 4 abt an hour. after that, he'll wanna do u a favour. that's when u mention all casual how much u loved singing w/the band & how sad it makes u 2 think u can't do it again. he'll hook u up.
apes
At 9:19 PM,
howard said…
April,
That "WAR HERO" thing sounds like a good idea. I might try it tomorrow on your grandpa, if it looks like he has calmed down from tonight.
By the by, I was so glad to read that you and Becky are getting along so well with your boyfriends. Those kissing games to help you study sound like fun. I wish I had done that with my boyfriend in the Training School for Boys, but he was into other things.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
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