Good Enough
After the 1st day of school, I stopped by 2 visit Gramps @ the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace & he cdn't believe we were breaking up the band. I told him what Becky'd said about "not good enough" (tho she'd actually said "good enough, but not for me"--which can ev. B taken a coupla diff wayz, but U know me when I'm in a funk). So Gramps is all, well U had fun & isn't that the pt (but notice he didn't say "U guyz rawk!" Hhmmmm). So he said he cd go on & on about "good enough" & 2 stop him (U don't wanna let Gramps go on & on about NEthing, believe me) I was, like, "That's good enough" & gave him a kiss on the cheek, which almost alwayz helps with the Gramps shut-ups. But now I'm a bit ashamed cuz that sounded like more Patterson lame trying-2-B wordplay.
BTW, Gerald is home sick fr. school. He's sitting in bed with an icepack on his, um, boy area, fr. that kick Jeremy Jones gave him (defending Becky's honour). I don't know whether he'll feel good enough (hey, here we go again!) 2 post 2day, but here's a get-well shout out 2 ya, Ger!
Apes
BTW, Gerald is home sick fr. school. He's sitting in bed with an icepack on his, um, boy area, fr. that kick Jeremy Jones gave him (defending Becky's honour). I don't know whether he'll feel good enough (hey, here we go again!) 2 post 2day, but here's a get-well shout out 2 ya, Ger!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:00 AM
15 Comments:
At 9:29 AM,
April Patterson said…
lol, i feel bad 4 ger cuz he's in pain, but a break fr. the hounding is like a fringe benny. ;)
u r rite, getting gramps to stop talking isn't e-z!
apes
At 9:39 AM,
Anonymous said…
My ponytailed little pixie,
I am indeed home today so that I might convalesce peacefully. The doctor told me that I might go to school with an ice pack in my pants if I liked, but he did indicate that he believed "Big Ger an' the Twins," as he so crudely dubbed them, would heal more quickly if they were not disturbed by any of the unfortunate roughhousing that seems to befall me any time I attempt to utilize the restroom facilities at the high school.
In the interests of giving a complete medical history, I explained to Dr. Schlanger all about the recent travails my manly bits have suffered, what with the frustrations of dating a chaste and virginal Patterson girl and all. Upon inspecting the boys more closely, the doctor remarked that I did appear to have a chronic swelling problem in that area that was aggravated by the more recent acute trauma. I showed him my prescription from the nurse, and he said that was a fine start, but that I clearly was not receiving ample enough relief from the prescribed self-ministrations.
So I asked the doctor what to do about my problem, and he said, "Well, I saw on Dateline that you can't hardly walk down the halls of high schools these days without tripping over scores of girls giving blowjobs. Why don't you try that? Here, I'll write you a prescription so they'll give you a hall pass." Naturally, I was quite upset by this, and reminded him that I am both a Catholic and happily betrothed to a chaste Patterson girl. So he made two copies of the prescription, one for you April, and one for Father O'Casey.
Phase One of my treatment should be over in three days, my love. Shall we make an appointment for Monday? I'm thinking in our regular place behind the gym, after 4th period--?
Devotedly and forever yours, Gerald
At 9:52 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
I was going to try your plan of saying, "so...wow...last night...that was kind of...wow" when Rhetta woke up. But while I was waiting for her to wake up, I got tired and fell asleep. I think it was because I didn’t get much sleep the night before in the jail. Anyway, when I woke up, Rhetta was gone. I called over to her office, and her secretary said she was in a meeting all morning and couldn’t be disturbed. So I left a message. I am pretty sure the intimate stuff occurred though, because when I was bathing this morning, I had to wash off flakes of stuff that normally comes from women after those kinds of situations. I hope that doesn’t sound too crude. I think you are right that I have feelings for Kortney. I miss her, and wish she were here so I could do posts with her and other things. On the other hand, I was thinking about all those women last night, and I think I know why Rhetta did the things she did. Being a single woman in Milborough probably leads you to some pretty desperate acts. After all, why would a woman as attractive as Elizabeth, even consider a prematurely aged married man with a child as a potential spouse? That aging thing has got to make the women crazy in this town. I am so sorry, Becky. Now that Jeremy Jones has developed an interest in you, those thoughts have to be going through your head too. That was a thoughtless thing for me to say to you. My point is I don’t think I am really mad at Rhetta anymore, maybe kind of sorry for her. Plus, it really could have been any one of those women that put drugs in my food. Rhetta could have just been taking advantage of something that someone else did.
I am off to my new job at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace. I hope you are right about the cookies and fruitcake. I think I am one of the few people alive who actually likes fruitcake. When I was young, I was told it was because I was fruity, which at the time I thought was a compliment.
April,
I am so glad you took my advice on talking with your grandfather. You should definitely keep your band together, and I hope you will invite me to hear a performance some day. I hope I get to meet your grandfather today. He sounds like a really cube guy.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 9:53 AM,
April Patterson said…
omigod, ger, i think that doc needs 2 lose his licence! that episode of dateline wasn't, like, saying this was a gd thing, u know!
apes
At 10:01 AM,
April Patterson said…
hi, howard, i missed yr post cuz i was posting my reply to horndog, i mean ger. yeah, gramps is pretty cube for an oldster, even if he does have his super-particular side.
apes
At 12:09 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, that's a great idea. i have a cute bikini i didn't even get 2 wear this summer!
oh, i sumtymz think abt breaking up w/ger, esp. when he gets in2 his xtreme horndog behaviour. but then he gets all sweet & nice & i 4get all that!
apes
At 1:55 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I am so filled with emotion now. I haven’t had a party in my honor since I had my premier with the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera, for doing the part of Susanna in Mozart’s “The Marriage of Figaro.” It really touches me that you would even think of doing such a thing. You are a true friend. I will definitely be there at 11. I guess you would prefer me to wear a guy bathing suit, or can I wear my bikini? I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. If it’s all right to wear the bikini, I need to make sure that it is not the same design as April’s. We wouldn’t want that fashion faux pas. Anyway, I can’t wait to get home and start marinating some steaks. The Kelpfroth family is known for its marinades. Are there any vegetarians in the crowd? I do have a recipe for a vegetarian hamburger that’s not too bad.
By the by, don’t worry about Rhetta. I have to see her from time to time, since she is my surety, but I don’t have to take her to parties. As for Rhetta and the flakes. It’s not dandruff. I know that since you haven’t gone roadside with anyone, you probably don’t know this, but the female juices dry up in the open air and make flakes. I am feeling really crude now for even telling you that. Pardon me.
My first day at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace seems to be going well. I was introduced to the doorman Fergus, who goes by Fergie and they gave me a tour of the place and let me know what I am supposed to do. The custodians even have access to a computer so I can post on my breaks. I haven’t gotten to know the residents yet, except for one fellow who was wandering the halls and holding his right cheek. He grabbed my arm and said, “She kissed me. She kissed me. 2 of my grandchildren are good-for-nothing goof balls who haven’t visited me in over 3 years. But I have one grandchild who is a sweet angel that visits all the time and she kissed me. I haven’t been this happy since we bombed the Jerries in the Big One.” I didn’t get his name, but he seemed pretty pleasant.
Break’s over. I will post later,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:43 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, u can see a picture of my 'kini fr. an entry i posted last month:
apes
At 3:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
My dear friend Rebecca,
I regret to inform you that I will have to decline your most gracious invitation. My "pleasure scepter" is still in traction, and Dr. Schlanger says that it would be best if the "franks and beans" remained immobile for the entire weekend.
Also, Big Gerry and I are afraid of your friend Jeremy.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 3:25 PM,
howard said…
April,
Thanks for the picture. I should have no problem. I will be wearing a yellow polka dot bikini, like the song which is probably too old for you to know. I am sorry Gerald won’t be there. I was hoping to meet your fellow.
Becky,
Even though you think of me as a brother, I have told you that you can ask me anything and that is true. The juice to which I was referring is (close your eyes April) vaginal lubricating secretion. We can talk about it more at the party, if you want to and don’t think it’s too icky.
I am on break again. It has been pretty exciting so far. There was a little bit of a commotion at work. After lunch, some of the people had gotten their walkers mixed up and were arguing about whose went with whom. The fellow who got kissed that I met before (grandpa Jim) was saying, “That’s my walker. It has a rear spring-loaded locking brake system, dual-paddle folding mechanism, minimized turning radius, a 3-chime horn, a rearview mirror and a plaid seat.” Another one was saying, “No that’s mine. Mine has the ergonomic handbrakes, removable foam-padded backrest, the footrest that can be used as a curb climber, and has the detachable tray and basket.” Then another said, “No you have the mobility scooter, not a heavy-duty 4-wheel rollator.” And yet another said, “Mine has the push-down, weight activated brakes, reversed cane handles, with the locking frame to prevent accidental folding”. Then they pulled out their dentures and starting chucking them at each other and using their copies of 50 Plus to beat each other senseless. After we broke up the fight, it took awhile to clean up that mess. I found dentures all over the place. Considering Becky’s advice from yesterday, I was careful to watch out for flying bedpans.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 5:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
howie, actually i've heard that bikini song cuz my dad sings it sumtymz. but then he's sorry he did cuz it just reminds my mom that she doesn't look gd in a 'kini ne-more & she throws sumthin' @ his head cuz she thinx he does it on purpose 2 make her feel bad.
i agree w/becks, those walker fites can get really dangerous. & not 2 say that gramps doesn't cause his fair share of trub (cuz he does) but 1 of the geezers @ the home is a guy called jerome robinson who def. wears circ. stockings & has been known 2 steal. 1x gramps almost accidentally tooks sum of those stockings of jerome's fr. the laundry rm cuz he thought iris musta sewed in sum initials, but it turned out they were jerome's and he hit gramps over the head w/a bulk package of prep-H.
apes
At 7:18 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I will refrain from discussing my sex life in detail with you, per your request. I still promise to tell you the truth about anything you ask me, no matter how lurid it is. You are my bud, and I am not going to lie to you.
Just like you suggested, I am trying to be cautious around the old people. I had an experience near the end of my first work day that reinforced what you told me about the dangers here. I was cleaning an old woman’s room and she said, “Oh, what a fine strapping, young man you are. I bet you are a real swinging ladies man.” I responded, “Actually, I don’t really like women that way.” She said, “I can fix that.” And she put her tongue in the section of my body where tongues should not be situated. I retreated from her room, and she started chasing me on her walker. Then she yelled down the hallway, “Esther, Mabel, Yvonne. We have a young gay guy here!” The 3 ladies in the hall started coming after me on their walkers, with their tongues out, and one hand holding onto their dentures which I presume that they had taken out to give their tongues greater mobility. I ran to a utility closet and locked myself in. After awhile, there was a knock on the door. It was Fergie, the door man. He said it was safe to come out. As I stepped out I saw the 4 ladies sitting down and playing bridge. Fergie handed me a deck of cards and said, “Howard. If you are going to be gay and work around here, you are going to need a distraction. I would suggest you learn how to play bridge or kaiser and carry this deck of cards with you at all times.” I thanked Fergie for his good advice. Do you guys know how to play bridge or kaiser?
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i learned how 2 play bridge @ the farm this summer. i can teach u 2morrow @ the pool party if u like. u mite also wanna start carrying around pics of the grand canyon & stuff like that. old foax like pics of the grand canyon 4 sum reason.
apes
At 9:49 PM,
howard said…
April,
You will definitely have to teach me bridge tomorrow. Thanks for the advice about the Grand Canyon pictures. I am not sure where to get those. I went to the grocery store to get some steaks for tomorrow’s party, but they did not have any Grand Canyon pictures there. Maybe I will try a travel agency. Anyway, the steaks are currently marinating in the Kelpfroth family marinade. Even if you prefer burgers and hotdogs, you should try at least a little steak tomorrow at the party. I promise it is steak from a cow and not some other animal which I will not name in case it upsets you.
You won’t believe it but after I got home, there was someone knocking at my door. I opened it and there in front of me was none other than Rhetta Blum. I told her I was a little unhappy at being drugged last night. She said she was sorry and gave me a dozen pink carnations and a box of chocolates as an apology. I put the flowers in a vase. They are really quite lovely. Then Rhetta said, “Don’t you want to try the candy?” I told her that I wasn’t going to eat any drugged candy, so she might as well throw it in the trash. This made her look sad for a bit. Then she took the box and said, “See. The wrapper is still on it.” Then she said, “Now pick any piece in the box and I will eat it in front of you to prove it’s not drugged.” So I picked a piece and gave it to her, and she put it in her mouth, chewed and swallowed. I waited a minute or two and she didn’t seem to have a reaction. So I figured it was all right to have some. I had a nice cherry cordial and a coconut cream and an almond caramel. It was pretty good stuff.
Rhetta is in the bathroom now, and so I thought I would post you to let you know that I think she and I could be friends after all. I think she was really sorry for what happened lsat ngiht. Fro smoe resaon, I am geting relaly selepyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
At 9:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
uh-oh, it soundz like rhetta did it again, howard! i hope u r ok!
i mite have sum grand-canyon pics in an old shoebox that gramps left in the basement. i'll check.
apes
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