April's Real Blog

Thursday, September 08, 2005

"Disbanded". Ha. Only not.

After the phony fight w/Becks, Gerald cd tell something was bothering me, & he stayed w/our whole theme by telling me "Don't let Becky get you down, April. We can find another lead singer." But it wasn't Becky getting me down, it was me getting me down. I mean, I know Laura made a big deal @ the farm abt ppl coming 2 see me, but like I said B4, they cd have been coming for the food or 2 borrow stuff. Or mayB they just like Unk Danny & Auntie Bev. It cd happen. They R pretty nice & all. So I'm just feeling like my guitar playing is kinda lame. Did U notice that neither Dunc nor Ger said NEthing like, "But April, yr guitar playing is really good"? No, they just made lame not-jokes. "Ovah". "Disbanded". I guess if even my bandmates can't bring themselves 2 say I'm good, then I musta been right about my lamitude.

NEway, I'll tell U some more abt this 2morrow, if U R still awake then. . . . 2day, guess what? I'm wearing my hair down! U got it! Down! Of course, it'll turn out that no1 has a camera or NEthing & it'll B like it nev. happened. But here's the dealio. After I passed Mom's "hair inspection" this morning & got on the bus, I took my hair down out of the propellor bun. Nothing fancy, just down & brushed out. Some kids @ school actually thought I was new. & some were all "Where's April Patterson? Is she in school 2day?" I'd better remember to rebun B4 I get home, tho.

Cya, Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:40 AM  

18 Comments:

  • At 7:48 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, becks, those compliments r just what i needed 2 hear! geez, boyz can't take a hint 2 save their lives!

    becks, i know u r anxious abt the hearing & i hope it goes well. howard, it soundz fr. yr last post like u've got friendz on the force so that can't hurt! god, my fam's got such a bad rep, i totally have 2 leave m-boro when i'm old enuf!

    apes

     

  • At 10:07 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Just to let you know. The bail hearing is over and I am back at my lawyer’s office. He was quite angry with me for writing all that stuff down last night, without him being present and told me to never do it again. In a few minutes, I am supposed to go back to the police station with my lawyer to talk with a Sgt. Renforth, RCMP Millborough who is apparently the lead on Operation Navette. My lawyer said that he will try to work a plea bargain, despite all the information that I gave away for free last night. He said that the Crown generally doesn't enter into plea bargains with respect to sexual assault charges without the victims' consent because of the public safety issue from having allegedly assaulted three women. In exchange for my cooperation, the Crown might agree to a plea bargain, but that agreement does not bind the sentencing judge.

    In any case, I am out of jail for now. The trial, if it even occurs, will not take place for several months. Rhetta Blum was at the bail hearing to pay my bail and act as my surety. She said she wanted to talk to me about something, once I got done with Sgt. Renforth. She asked me where Kortney was, and I told her she was in Las Vegas. Rhetta seemed very happy to hear that for some reason.

    I also got to see Becky and meet Jeremy for the first time. He seems nice. They are almost complete opposites. Jeremy seems so shy compared to Becky’s outgoingness. Becky may not be aware of this, but Jeremy really likes her. He was looking at her all through my bail hearing.

    About your band. I know that you think that it is over without Becky as the lead singer. You should go talk to your grandfather. I understand from Becky that he has his own band, so he may have some advice on how to keep bands together. I have never been in a band myself, just occasionally have sung for one, so I do not know the dynamics of such things.

    We are leaving to meet with Sgt. Renforth now. Post to you later.

    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 10:12 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 the advice abt. the band. i have a feeling i mite b talking 2 gramps soon. i saw becks betw. classes, but we didn't have time 2 talk yet. she seemed relieved, i guess cuz u r out of jail, @ least 4 now. i also saw jeremy, but i don't think he recognized me w/my hair down.

    apes

     

  • At 2:46 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I am back at the apartment now posting, but I have to dash off to meet with Rhetta Blum about whatever she wants to talk about, probably that surety stuff. The interview with Sgt. Renforth took forever. My lawyer is waiting for their response to a possible plea bargain based on the information I gave them, but they say that they have to check out what I told them before they can make any deals. By the by, I think Jeremy was looking at you at the bail hearing because you are a really pretty girl, even when your hair isn’t brushed. Thanks so much for being there. It meant a lot to me. We need to talk about the where, when and how often for your voice lessons. Let me know what you think will work out with your schedule.

    April,

    I haven’t heard your band perform, but I am guessing you do pop songs. It is hard to do that stuff without a lead singer, since there is very little pop music that is purely instrumental these days. I have heard you sing when we did the Elly song at the Garage Opera, and you have a nice voice. You could probably take over that position, so your band wouldn’t have to break up. You could be like Phil Collins, when he took over singing for Genesis when Peter Gabriel left. That may not be a good example. You are probably too young to know who that is.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 2:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 saying such nice things about my voice, howard. i'm a bit shy abt it cuz when i was really little mike usta yell "shut up, shut up, shut up!" whenever i sang and spray me with a water gun.

    here's a story u will like abt becky's hair 2day, howard. it's true that she didn't brush it, but some of the other girls thought she musta done it on purpose & that if becks was doing it, it must b the trendy thing 2 do. so they went in2 the girls' room and messed up their own hair so they cd b cube like becks! 1 of them even sed 2 me, "u r such a foob 4 brushing yr hair! no1 does that nemore!"

    apes

     

  • At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My juicy little mango,

    I once again find myself writing to you from the computer in the nurse's office. Don't worry about me, my love! The nurse assures me that the organ of my passionate amour will heal in six to eight weeks.

    Until then, I am your chaste but devoted lover Gerald

     

  • At 5:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, that's what u get 4 hinting that becks is a slut. becks & i both wanna wait until we r 16, so if jeremy d8's becks, he'll have 2 deal.

    yeah, becks, that hair thing is funny. betw that & the urban legend abt tonguez, girls & women in m-boro sure get tricked ez, even when it's not on purpose!

    mayB sometime i'll practice some songs & c how it goes.

    apes

     

  • At 5:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, yeah, i 4got 2 tell u! well, moira told me that the nurse kept trying 2 call my mom. she left like 10 messages. whenever my mom's out getting lattes & muffins or busybodying around, moira's under strict instructions 2 say, "i'm sorry, but mrs. patterson is in a meeting." the nurse was all, "well is she out of her meeting yet?" & after a while, moira just got fed up & said, "she's out of the store, probably gorging herself on muffins & tanking up on her skim-milk lattes. how 'bout u just give me a message?" the nurse didn't want 2 say what the call was abt, so she just said "have mrs. patterson call me as soon as she gets this message." so finally my mom came back in & moira let her know the nurse really, really wanted her 2 call back. she does, & when she finds out y the nurse called, she flips. she yelled @ the nurse that i'm an innocent girl who doesn't know what wanking is, that the dirty-minded nurse had obviously made a huge mistake, & never bother her again w/her filthy lies!

    apes

     

  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Families can be mean sometime. Being sprayed with a water gun is a lot better than some of the things my family did to me the first time they discovered me singing in a dress. Trust me, you have a nice clear voice, and it will work just fine with pop ballads and the like. As for hair, fashions change so quickly, it is difficult to keep up with them all, although it is fun to try. I find that when I am unsure about my hair, I go with the Rita Hayworth wig. It always looks good, no matter what the current fashion is. Rita was an actress from a long time ago, so you probably don’t know her, but she had great hair.

    Becky,

    It sounds like Jeremy is already defending your honor. He must really like you. I hope he doesn’t have a history of violence though. You have had enough of that with your mother's former boyfriend Bill. By the by, my lawyer tells me it could be months before I would go to trial, if the plea bargain doesn’t go through. I need something to tell your dad about the lessons, even if you don’t want lessons yet.

    I did come back from meeting with Rhetta Blum. She wanted to hire me to be her “personal assistant,” but I kind of gathered from her language that she wanted it to be more personal than assistant. She asked me a lot of questions about Kortney and our relationship or lack thereof. She is convinced that I have been converted by the tongue trick. I told her it was an Urban Myth that you guys created. She insists that it has been around a lot longer than you two have been alive. She said, “Sometimes kids think they have invented something that already exists.” Plus she told me a woman can tell when a man is gay or not and that I am definitely not. I was confused because I thought she was still carrying a torch for April’s brother Mike. She said that Mike is married and has kids and only a desperate foob like Liz Patterson would be interested in a Milborough married man. She said the phrase used among her single girlfriends is that the only good men in Milborough are gay or near death. I don’t know what to think about this stuff, but I do know that I don’t want to be someone’s gigolo, so I turned down the job. She didn’t seem to be offended by that and asked if we could go out for drinks tonight. I am persona non grata at the clubs I used to go to in town and it would be good to see what some of the straight ones are like, so I agreed.

    I am off to do a job interview at a seniors' apartment complex nearby that needs someone to do custodial work. Your uncle Ralph can’t really employ me again after that business with “The Gig” and I will need money to pay my legal fees.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Im sorry Apes that I didnt post sooner. I had 2 make up that play-dough geography project I missed @ school an' I did a play-dough map of the Netherlands an' the teacher got mad @ me 'cos its 2 ez an' gave me detention 2 do a play-dough map of Nepal an' it took me 4ever 'cos the play-dough mountains kept falling over.

    NEway, I think u r a gr8 guitar player. Remember when I asked u 2 B in the MC DunC band? I wouldnt ask u 2 B in my band if u suck.

    Im sorry abt the bad pun. I never used 2 do that. I think mayB I spent 2 much time w/ yr dad last summer.

    L8r.

    p.s. Beckers, Mrs. Prescott has a big mouth an' Im going 2 sue her when Im 18. MayB u should sue her 2.

     

  • At 6:51 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Good news! I got the custodial job the seniors' apartment complex. Apparently they have a high turnover rate for this job, so they want me to start tomorrow.

    My date with Rhetta is not until later tonight. She called and said she is busy at her work, so we are going out later than I expected. I can come over now if you and Jeremy are not too busy doing other things. Let me know.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 7:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, thanx 4 sayin' those cube thingz abt my guitar playing. it was fun jamming w/u @ the labour day picnic, even tho gramps kept telling us what 2 play!

    i know what u mean abt the bad punz. i h8 them but sumtymz i do it 2, esp. after i've been spending 2 much time w/the 'rents.

    omg! ger! that soundz soooo bad!

    that old lady's stupid, cuz i'm the 1 who'd have 2 go 2 3rd base w/ger 4 him 2 have that kinda "relief" (don't tell my mom i know that). which remindz me, ger was all "i'll let u go 2 3rd w/me if u let me go 2 3rd w/u." & i'm all, "nice try"!

    i wdn't b surprised 2 hear the job wuz @ gramps & iris's bldg--i've heard they go thru lots of custodians.

    apes

     

  • At 7:17 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    When you want me to come over, just let me know. Ditto on the voice lessons. I have been told that I am a good teacher, so I think you will enjoy it.

    As for the job, I don't know if it is the same building that April's grandparents live in. I haven't started work there and I have never met her grandparents. Custodial work is low-paying, hard work and frequently unappreciated; so there is usually a high turnover in that field. That's probably the reason. As long as it pays the bills, I will be fine with it.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 8:34 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Thanks for the warning. I will be sure to watch out for screaming matches, flying bedpans, and groupies? I guess Iris is a second wife. It sounds like you have some issues with her. Is there anything I need to know?

    Concerned,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    RHETTTTTTAAAAAA!!!!!

    Oh yeah. I forgot about the squirt gun, squirt.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, u know they say the apple doesn't fall 2 far fr. the tree. g'pa jim wants every1 2 think he's mr. super-ez-going, but he's where ma got @ least sum of her crayzees about everything in the house bein' "just so". like loading the dishwasher all perfect & stuff like that. so when iris does the laundry, he's all, "no, iris, u mixed my offwhites w/my purewhites! & my blacks w/my charcoal greyz!" & she's like, "then y don't u do yr own laundry?" & he's all, "don't be mad, woman!"

    gotta go, mom is outside my door going "april, i hear u typing! r u posting more lovely pictures 2 that blog? i have 1 i want u 2 scan 4 me!" i'll have 2 tell u more abt gramps & iris l8r!

    apes

     

  • At 10:26 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Thanks for all the information on April’s grandfather and Iris. I will try to bear it in mind if they do actually live at my new workplace.

    It has been another strange evening for me. As you may remember, I was supposed to go out with Rhetta Blum for drinks. I went to meet Rhetta at her work. She has a really nice office and I guess she had told me she was a partner in her company, but I had forgotten that. She has leather chairs and a solid mahogany desk and some nice prints on the walls.

    After she toured me around her office, we left and went to this place she knows. We ordered supper, because she hadn’t had any yet, being a workaholic I guess. It seemed like a pretty lively place, although there were a lot of ladies there with their grandfathers, or they could have just been those May-December relationships where someone is in it only for the money. Some of them were definitely May-December because they were holding hands, dancing and occasionally kissing. I tried not to be grossed out.

    Shortly after we got there, this group of women came over to see Rhetta. One of them was Shawna-Marie, whom I met once before at April’s house that day when she was sad after she ate the meat from that animal I shall not mention in case April is reading this. Shawna-Marie took Rhetta aside and they were talking and pointing at me, and I was feeling really awkward. Then Rhetta asked me if I would come over to where she was standing with the other ladies. The ladies just stood there looking at me up and down and not saying anything. I checked myself to make sure I was zipped up and to make sure I didn’t have any food on me or hadn’t worn checks with stripes. Then the women started high-fiving Rhetta, and slapping her on the back, and generally telling her congratulations. Then they walked off. Shawna-Marie lingered for a moment and whispered to me, “It should have worked when I did it.” Rhetta would not tell me what was going on, and every time I asked her, she just beamed over at the other ladies who were staring at us from a distance.

    Then we had dinner, which was pretty good, although they put a little too much pepper on their steaks and the food arrangement on the plate did not have enough colour in it. Then Rhetta excused herself to go powder her nose and as soon as she passed through the restroom door, all hell broke loose.

    I think every woman in the place started running at me, although that could be an exaggeration. I thought I must be on fire or something. I didn’t smell smoke and as I was trying to see what started them running, the first one that got to me jumped on me and put her tongue where a tongue should not go. She wasn’t there for a second, when she was wrenched off me by another woman, who also put her tongue in that place where I don’t like tongues. Another lady punched her hard across the face and then she put her tongue in that spot where tongues don’t belong. By this point, there was a mob of them pulling and tugging at me from all directions, with their tongues all headed for that location where a tongue should not lie. Then some men came and started pulling the women off of me. When Rhetta came out of the bathroom they lectured her and said things like, “What were you thinking leaving a young gay man alone in a straight club in Milborough?” Rhetta seemed to have a strange combination of embarrassment and pride as she led me outside. Meanwhile, I was dripping in saliva, with scratches all over my body, particularly near that vicinity that does not need saliva from tongues.

    She was all “poor baby, let me take you home and take care of you.” So then she drove me back to my place and I took off my wet clothes. I remember I was wearing my favorite fluffy pink bathrobe and matching slippers while she was putting antibacterial ointment on my cuts and then I must have blacked out. When I woke up, I was lying in bed without my fluffy bathrobe and without my Kelly green briefs, and Rhetta was lying on top of me dressed in a similar fashion, except she was wearing my slippers. She was snoring and she was kind of sweaty, which looks good on models in photo shoots, but it is sort of stinky in real life. I carefully rolled her off me and decided to post this note to you. I have no idea what happened. I usually only black out when I get into a fight or when someone brains me with a bat or something like that, and I usually wake up with clothes on. It’s a mystery to me, but I can tell you that my man parts are pretty sore. Any ideas?

    Confused,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 11:09 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    All the way?!? I am feeling sick now. I don’t really find Rhetta attractive. She’s not ugly or anything. I mean she is nice looking in the way a pretty painting is nice looking. You think she used Rohypnol on me? That wasn’t very nice.

    By the by, I am not a “swingin’ ladies man”! I know Kortney and I were intimate, but now I am really convinced that was because it was easy to imagine her as a man. Plus I really liked her. That doesn’t make me a “swingin’ ladies man.” Except for that “attack” on Elizabeth, I try to treat women with respect. If I weren’t being ostracized by the gay community now, I would never have gone out with Rhetta. Sorry. I am getting kind of upset and I need to calm down.

    Oh, the workplace is called the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace.

    Howard Kelpfroth

     

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