April's Real Blog

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Pool Party 2Day!

Yeah, I was gonna give this post a title that had something 2 do w/4-Evah not being "ovah" but I cdn't bring myself 2, not when I've got a pool party 2 look forward 2! NEway, after I stopped by Gramps's place last week, Ger, Dunc, & I decided 2 start practicing again. Gramps is so gonna think this was all cuz of his "good enough" talk, but it's not. I was already starting 2 come out of my funk on my own, & when it looked like Gramps was gonna go on 4 days & days about "good enough" I decided that was as good a time as NE. Gah, I mean one conversation can seem 2 go on 4 a month in my world! I stopped by my dad's practice 2 make sure it was OK 2 practice @ Ger's, & when I left, he was hangin' out w/ Dr. "Morsel". I have a feeling my dad musta made some lame "Patterson" comment 2 Morsel after I left, but I guess I don't care. . . .

Well, Becks's party starts in three hours. Whooooooooo! I'm gonna wear that bikini I didn't get a chance to wear this summer, & I'm bringing my guitar cuz Becky wants us 2 have a sing-along. Ger changed his mind from yesterday, when he said he wasn't gonna go. He talked 2 his doc again & promised he'd sit in a lounge chair & take it EZ, & the doc said OK. Since Ger's nervous about his privates, tho, he sez he's gonna wear a cup!

L8r, peeps!



  • At 8:31 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, and howard, i 4got 2 mention that i've got the cards & i found a packet of grand canyon pics my gramps left b-hind.


  • At 9:23 AM, Anonymous rhetta blum said…


    I see that my man Howard is going to your pool party today. Since Howard is now my boyfriend, I would like to meet his friends. I hope you don’t mind if I come along with Howard to your party.

    Rhetta Blum

  • At 10:45 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I just woke up. Rhetta Blum is here wearing a bikini under a swim dress and she swears that you invited her to the pool party. I would rather her not be there. Did you invite her? I am going to get dressed while I wait for your answer. I am pretty fuzzy on what happened to me last night, but I can tell you that I am going to empathize with Gerald today.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:58 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I haven't heard from you, so I am going to have to assume that you did invite Rhetta. We are heading over now. Rhetta is pretty upset that I am wearing my yellow polka dot bikini, but that doesn't matter because I think I look great. I've got the steaks and I'll see you in a few minutes.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:10 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Hey Apes I was going through the Family Album There are 6 pictures of you alone. But what surprised me is that there are none of Mike. There is Mike and the whole family and there is even one of Dee and Merrie, but no Mike. I was surprised to find one of Shiimsa and myself! But you want to know what I found weirdest of all? There's a picture of Duncan in there! WTF is all I have to say.

  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i'm checking in fr. becky's computer cuz i'm still @ her pool party. u oughta 2 have seen her reaction 2 rhetta just showing up, but i'll let becky tell that story.

    neway, w/the album. i wonder if mike pissed off mom & dad. it's weird that there r no pix of him by himself. & dunc, who knew u were fam?


  • At 3:13 PM, Blogger howard said…


    They let me post to you from the hospital to give you the latest information. Jeremy got 6 stitches from where Mrs. McGuire hit him with that pool chair, but he seems to be all right otherwise. Mrs. McGuire seems to have recovered from taking all that pool water into her lungs, at least judging from the volume of her yelling at Becky. Rhetta and I are going to drive Becky and her mother home and then drop off Jeremy at his house. We never heard from Jeremy’s mom. Were you able to contact her?

    Also, please tell Gerald I am really, really, really sorry about what happened with that spatula. It was an accident, I swear.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:49 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    I wasnt online last nite so I didnt c Beckers pool party invite soon enuf. Beckers, I dunno y u invited me when u dont even like me but it was nice of u I guess. I dont no if my 'rents would of let me go 2 yr place neway 'cos they whisper alot abt yr mom.

    I dunno y Im in the Patterson family album. When I was eating seafood surprise the time Apes an' Liz ran away, Mrs. P. said she wished she had a son like me so mayB thats y Im there.

    Apes, my dad says u an' yr mom r going shopping 2morrow so I dont halfta go 2 the choo-choo play date. MayB Ill go c Ger. Ive got some new tracks 4 him to hear but I dunno if Ger is up 2 beating the skins yet.

  • At 4:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i did finally get ahold of jeremy's mom, & she was all "april patterson, i don't know why jeremy endz up in the hospital every time he rubs shoulders with u!" & she didn't even let me x-plain, she just hung up!

    what a scene 2day! 1st there's rhetta hanging all ov. u like a cheap suit, ev. tho u had that 'kini on. mrs. mcguire all, "well, 2 bad that tongue thing didn't work" & rhetta all "don't let the bathing suit fool ya, he's my bf now" & mrs. mcg. going all crazee, trying 2 hit rhetta with that chair but missing & hitting jeremy! & becky pushing her ma in2 the pool.

    oh, & i think ger knows that when u saw the chair up in the air & flung the spatula, it was an accident. ev. tho it landed in his crotch, he didn't feel it cuz of the cup he was wearing. he just got freaked out since he's x-tra worried about his "area" l8ly.

    ne-way, this is the 1st chance i've gotten 2 get online since all this has happed. after i talked 2 jeremy's mom, my ma made me bake some banana crackers fr. a recipe she found online. "april, u mite as well make yrself useful 2day!"

    dunc, oh, no! y oh y does my mom wanna shop w/me?!?!


  • At 7:26 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Rhetta and I dropped off Jeremy a few minutes ago. His mother was pretty angry and was looking all around the car for you for some reason. I told her that it wasn’t your fault Jeremy got hurt, but she was not inclined to listen. On the way back from the hospital to Becky’s house, we had to separate Becky and her mom because they were fighting so much. Becky’s mom sat in the front while Rhetta drove. Becky and Jeremy sat in the back with me. Becky asked me to close my eyes and turn my head for awhile, and I did. After we dropped off Becky and her mom at Becky’s house, Jeremy was humming and smiling a lot the whole way to his house. His head didn’t seem to be hurting him at all.

    I am so glad that I didn’t hurt Gerald with that spatula. The way he was screaming and rolling around on the ground, I was sure I had done some real damage. And April thank you so much for helping me pull Mrs. McGuire out of the pool. You were setting a good example for other people I shall not name, who were just standing around and muttering, “Drown. Drown.”

    Have fun shopping with your mom. I know that moms usually have a terrible fashion sense. Just make sure she doesn’t make you wear a t-shirt or tights under a dress. That would be such a fashion faux pas. You have a nice figure and you should show it off.

    I must apologize for Rhetta’s behaviour at the party. I told her all afternoon that she is not my girlfriend, but she doesn’t seem to believe me. We are back at my place now. She wants to spend the night tonight and I told her no. For some reason, that didn’t seem to bother her. She said she has some legal paperwork from her being my surety, that she wants me to sign and seal. I told her that I would do that, but then after that she has to leave. Don’t worry. I plan to read that paperwork very carefully to make sure that there are no “boyfriend” clauses in it. I will post to you after I am done with that.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    my mom gorged herself on those banana crackers i had 2 make 4 her. i didn't even get 2 have 1. neither did dad, tho he stood there w/a sad look on his face while my mom gobbled them in front of him. when he tried 2 reach 4 some, she was all "get april 2 make u yr own, tooth man!" i'm def. not gonna let her make me wear a t-shirt & tites under a dress again. that was so lame, & i won't put up w/it now that i'm a hi-school kid!

    jeremy's mom just gets all twitchy whenever ne1 mentions my name. i think if i cured cancer, she'd b like, "well, i'm sure it was april patterson's fault that there was cancer in the 1st place!"

    i cdn't understand y rhetta was saying that abt mrs. mcg. drowning. mayB she sees her as competition 4 yr affections?

    gerald. well, he rolls around like that if some1 even mentions a groin injury. he's just freaked.

    becks, did u & jeremy smooch in the car?


  • At 8:28 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Your mom’s food consumption shocks me. I remember when she ate all that borscht I made. You may have lost the banana cracker battle, but be sure to stick up for yourself with the clothes. Show your mom and dad you are a true turbulent teenager. I just remembered that I forgot to take those Grand Canyon pictures you brought to the party. Oh well, at least you taught me some of the basics of Bridge.

    You are probably right that Rhetta may have been thinking Mrs. McGuire was some sort of competition for my affections, but I don’t think Mrs. McGuire was her only target. Remember how she was when you and Gerald, Becky and Jeremy were doing chicken fights in the swimming pool versus Rhetta and me? Considering how Becky feels about Rhetta, that was probably not the best choice of games.

    I finished signing the legal papers for Rhetta and sealing them in an envelope. It looked like standard legal surety stuff. I did not see anything suspicious in the paperwork. I will have to talk to Rhetta about her choice in envelopes though. The lick and seal adhesive on that envelope tasted awful, worse than I have ever tasted. Rhetta is still here talking on her cell phone. She promises to leave after she finishes the call, but she has been talking for a long time. That adhesive has upset my stomach and I am feeling a little woozy. I think I am going to take some stomach medicine and lie down now.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:27 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh brother i just finally got free 2 post. dunc, u will not blieve what happened at the pool party 2day.

    jeremy got there early 2 help me set up an' we were having a really good time he kissed me an' promised that he wouldn't pick fights with ger or make fun of apes. so i thought the day would go real good. well it didn't. first howie came an' he wuz carrying the steaks but also yelling an' at first i couldn't understand why he wuz yelling but then i saw he had rhetta with him an' she wuz all pissed cuz howie wuz wearing his bikini an' she doesn't think that's a good look 4 her man. an' howie wuz trying 2 tell her he wuzn't her man. an' i got all upset cuz i wanted the party 2 be my howie time an' rhetta just horns in on everything with him lately. so i sed 2 rhetta i sed, "hey u ferret-faced date rapist, who the fuck invited u?" that did not go over well as u may imagine. rhetta got mad an' tried 2 pull my hair an' howie an' jeremy had 2 get between us.

    well while we were still kinda scuffling apes an' ger showed up. apes looked way hawtt in her tiny weeny bikini, but ger looked like a dumbass he wuz wearing a giant athletic cup under his speedo! neway ger saw me an' rhetta trying 2 go at it an' he got all excited an' started yelling, "let 'em go! let 'em fight! oh baby! yes! oh yes!" then suddenly he fell over on the cement clutching at his privates i guess the girlfight gave him a boner an' he's under strict orders not 2 get boners until he's healed. apes got mad an' hit him over the head with her flip-flops but it turned out he scraped himself up bad on the pavement so she stopped she felt sorry 4 him.

    well apes went inside 2 get some bandaids an' bactine from my mom an' i guess mom decided 2 come out in the backyard an' c what wuz going on that peeps were getting hurt. well while apes patched ger up mom started 2 hit on howie a little. mom has always liked how a man looks in women's clothing funny thing my dad kind of likes 2 wear them sometimes 2. so rhetta an' mom kinda got in2 it, especially when mom started licking howie all over an' yelling, "tell me when i hit the magic spot!"

    so i finally managed 2 shove mom back in the house an' things started 2 go ok. howie cooked r stakes an' they were really good. the only problem wuz when howie wuz flipping a steak an' rhetta tried 2 stick her hand down his bikini bottoms. it surprised howie an' he let go of the hot spatula an' it went flying an' hit ger rite in the crotch. he screeched like a little girl an' jumped in the pool even tho he had strict doctor's orders not 2 do anything that mite be strenuous on his dick muscles. apes hauled him out of the pool an' ger wuz gasping an' going all, "mouth 2 mouth, i need mouth 2 mouth!" but apes didn't buy it.

    ok so we had steak an' then we played chicken in the pool it wuz jeremy's brite idea which i didn't think wuz so smart but whatever. ger wuzn't supposed 2 play but he didn't want 2 look like a pussy in frunt of jermey. well we started playing me on jer an' apes on ger an' rhetta on howie's shoulders but when rhetta got close 2 me she pulled my hair! so i slapped her face real hard. then she scratched my arm an' tore my swimsuit! i jumped off jer's shoulders an' took rhetta down with me an' we were fighting underwater an' really going at it when we heard some screaming an' popped up 2 check it out. turned out ger got another boner an' almost drowned. so we all got out of the pool.

    well mom heard the screaming an' came out an' she had saw rhetta beating on me an' she goes like, "missy i have had enuff of u--get off my property!" an' rhetta goes, "howie, let's go!" an' mom grabs his arm an' goes, "no, he's staying with me!" then rhetta grabbed the plate the steaks came on an' smashed it over mom's head. well mom grabbed a pool chair an' went 2 smash rhetta with it but she got jeremy instead. he went down like a sack of bricks an' fell in the pool. rhetta took advantage of our surprise an' shoved mom in the pool too at the deep end an' every time she came up 4 air, rhetta would push her head down again. howie finally wrestled her off an' the rest of us dove in 2 get jer an' mom. all the while, rhetta wuz chanting "drown, drown" like a woman posessed it wuz fuckin' creepy.

    well i guess the neighbors saw the fighting an' called 911. our family has kind of a bad rep in the 'hood 4 the domestic violence. so the ambulance came an' they took mom an' jer an' ger off 2 the hospital. the cops wanted 2 arrest rhetta but apes took pity on her an' used her good name as a patterson to beg off 4 her. not really sure why she did that.

    neway, howie rhetta apes an' me went 2 the hospital in their car. jeremy had 2 get some stitches mom clocked him good. he's gonna have a scar above his eye but he sez that will make him look tuff. mrs. jones doesn't think its so kewl tho she is already talking about suing my mom who she sez is "a notorious drunk" even tho mom has had nothing more then beer since the nite of the uncle bill episode.

    ger just had 2 have his man-meat put back in2 traction. i thought he wuz making up this dr. schlanger person but he's real an' he is a perv! he let us all watch while he messed with ger's schlong an' he even sed 2 me an' apes, "u know, u girls could really aid in this boy's recovery i could show u some helpful techniques!" an' he actually started 2 demonstrate some on ger!!! ger seemed 2 enjoy it but mrs. jones started yelling an' sed something about reporting him 2 the ethics board. neway, he sez ger should be normal-ish again by monday.

    mom is ok they had 2 suction a bunch of water out her lungs but not 2 bad. the whole way home she wuz ranting about how first thing monday she's draining the pool an' filling it in with cement. also she started 2 talk about having rhetta "erased," saying she could have it done with just 1 phone call 2 my dad, but i asked her not 2 an' so she shut up about it. partly cuz i don't know what happens 2 howie if his surety dies, but mostly cuz rhetta wuz driving an' when mom started 2 talk like that, rhetta kinda went nuts an' i m 2 young 2 die.

    howie i m not very happy with u 4 telling that jeremy an' i had some private time 2gether on the way home. an' ok b4 ne1 starts accusing me of being roadside, all i want 2 say is that all we did wuz some kissing with tongues. i did not do ne of the other bases, or ne of the things that end in -job, or nething like that. god howie with ur big mouth my rep will get 10 times worse.

    ok time 2 sleep. it's been a long day an' it took me like an hour 2 clean all the steak out of the pool filter.

    night, becks

  • At 9:35 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friend Rebecca,

    Thank you so much for inviting me to your swell party. It was the most exciting and most unusual party I have ever been to. Though my doctor says that I will have to avoid such parties in the future for health reasons, I am very happy that I had the opportunity to attend this one. I especially enjoyed the girlfights. Also, I have never seen so much blood before. Especially not at a party.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

  • At 10:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, becks, u remember everything so much better'n i did when i posted. w/mrs. jones yellin' @ me & my mom making me bake stuff, i'd barely had a chance 2 sit down & think abt everything that had happened.

    ne-way, i didn't wanna help rhetta after the way she'd acted. but howard sed 2 me, "april, i don't know what'll happen 2 me if my surety is arrested! if there's nething u cd do 2 help, i wd b so grateful!" so i sed that patterson stuff.

    ger, yr doc is a super-perv & he shd be in jail! i don't know how he can ev. have a licence!

    ne-way, i've gotta go cuz my ma's on the other side of the door yellin' something abt recipes i have 2 try 2morrow.


  • At 10:11 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My munificent, mellifluous little marigold,

    I like Dr. Schlanger. I sometimes feel that he is the only person who truly understands me.

    Sincerely and devotedly your fiance forever and ever (until we get married, when I will be your husband), Gerald

  • At 7:23 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, u r finding a new dr. or u r finding yrself single!


  • At 7:33 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My delicious little muffin,

    I do not think it will be possible for me to dismiss Dr. Schlanger as my personal urologist. There is only one urologist at the Milborough hospital. Apparently most of the men in town have no need for a doctor specializing in the manly bits, as most of the men in town are impotent and none of the women desire sex anyway.*

    Do not worry my love, for I will probably not require his services for much longer. My "friend" is nearly healed.

    Burning with passion and love for you for eternity, Gerald

    *Except for Becky and her mom. Oh, and Dr. Schlanger says that Mrs. Poirier was quite the easy lay back in the day.

  • At 1:56 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Ger, Im coming over this aft 2 c u w/ the beat tracks I burned from my 'puter so we can jam 4 awhile. U hafta start thinking abt something else B4 u Bcome a perv w/ a lawyers bill.

  • At 2:01 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Im a day Bhind. Again.


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