April's Real Blog

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Shopping with Elly

My mom insisted we go 2 the mall brite & early 2day cuz the stores were having 70% off sales. I don't know why she ev. bothered when she knew I cdn't wear NE of those cute clothes 2 school w/our lame-o uniforms. It's like she wanted 2 torture me. Like if yr doc tells U that U have 2 have nothing but clear broth 4 24 hrs & some-Elly takes U 2 all the finest restaurants where U can watch every1 else eat yr fave foods while U slurp on yr broth. Besides, I don't know why she didn't let me get some cute little lowrisers 2 wear on the weekends & after school. I don't live in my uniform, right? And, I mean, 70% off! But the only thing Mom wd let me buy were socks. Socks. So I imagined sitting in class wearing my dull uniform and some butt-ugly but brightly coloured socks. Don't worry, I'm not actually gonna wear those.

Well, Becky's pool party turned out 2 B a huge disaster, what w/Jeremy needing stitches & Ger w/his private parts in traction fr. getting over-excited. Oh, and Ger totally needs to dump that doctor of his. Dr. Perv.

In other news, the Patterson family album has some pics of me that Rn't half bad, esp. the third one in on row 1. So why, why, why, did they have 2 make me look so dumpy in the drawing they made for the "teenage April" paper doll? Was I bad that day? In other news, Dee likes word-search puzzles. Cuz, y'know, crosswords R hard, yo! ;)

Apes

26 Comments:

  • At 7:53 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    u know what i notices about ur family album? ur mom an' dad luv u way more then mike an' liz. there r no individual pics of mike an' just 1 of liz an' that's with her cat. but there r a zillion pics of u an' even 1 pic of ur friend dunc.

    the other thing i noticed is that when u were little u had kind of a navet nose like ur mom, but then when u got older, u got that cute little nose like liz an' mike. another thing i noticed is that mike's slender little nose makes him look like a woman.

    god dee is so dumb she gives blondes a bad name. remember that time we went over 2 c their new apartment an' dee made me help her do the jumble frum the daily newspaper?! she couldn't even get 1 answer rite! i feel so sorry 4 merry that she inherited those fat lips.

    well i talked mom out of filling in the pool but she sez she will shoot rhetta on site if she sees her again.

    speaking of rhetta howie the more i think about it the more pissed i get. u should not have let her come 2 the pool party. i m tired of her horning in on your life. i think i will email kortney an' tell her what's going on she will know how 2 dispose of rhetta.

    becks

     
  • At 8:22 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i really think mike musta pissed off the 'rents. i mean, there r like 5 doggie pics. 6 if u count the 1 where it looks like dad's gettin' his butt sniffed. i'm kinda surprised i'm in so many pics, but i can't help thinking they liked me better when i was little & had that bad nose.

    the worst thing abt that jumble u helped dee w/is it was the kiddie jumble. i'm pretty sure merrie was laughin' @ her.

    apes

     
  • At 8:30 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    It's kind of nice for me that Mom and Dad are so focused on April. I would hate to have to be the star of their lives.

    I really feel for you April, but I wouldn't switch places with you for anything in the world. To be under the intense scrutiny of Mom is to be in hell. I'm really sorry Apes. Maybe she'll switch focus soon...as long as it's not on me I'll be happy for you.

    I've told Mom to keep out of my life, that I won't want all my private things exposed. I'm an adult and should be treated as such. As for Mike I know she's really angry at him, but I didn't know she was angry enough to pretty much kick him out of the Family Album. Maybe Mike finally got the hutzbah to stand up to her. Either that or she thinks he's a huge embarassment and wants to ignore him until he starts acting what she says a father should act like...Which is Dad.

    Mom loves Dee way more than Mike. I think it's because Dee reminds her of herself with two babies driving her crazy all day. The thing is I know Mike and Dee are having some marital problems. They try to play it off all nice and sweet but they are having some major issues. If they get a divorce I think Mom is going to adopt Dee and kick Mike out. Seriously.

     
  • At 8:39 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, u're rite, i'm living under a mom-n-dad microscope & it gets scaree. sumtymz i replace ma's skim milk in the fridge w/whole just so she'll gain some x-tra weight & have sumthin else 2 obsess abt. don't tell!

    dee & mom have totally bonded. i agree, if mike ever split w/her, she'd cut him loose so fast he'd b halfway 2 saskatchewan b4 he knew what hit him!

    is it true that mom backed off abt anthony, or was that more propaganda in her letter? i can't imagine she didn't try 2 grill u on the way to mtighaha.

    apes

     
  • At 8:39 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    wow a divorce! gawd ur mom is alwayz bragging how there hasn't been a divorce in the patterson or richards fams evah! seriously, every time i come over 2 dinner, an' especially since mom an' dad split. if they got divorced i bet she would totally kick mike out of the fam 4 messing up like that!

    i know what u mean about apes being unlucky 4 having all that attention on her. man she can't even sneeze without ol' jelly fatterson getting all up in her grill. "cover your mouth april! you weren't born in a barn! ladies don't sneeze so loudly! they also don't sit with their legs spread like that! or sit on the couch watching cartoons and eating doritos! look, you have powdered cheese all down your front! oh, what will the neighbors think of us! april, you are such a disgrace to the family! it must be those blasted patterson genes!"

    hey by the by u know i just found out frum my mom that it wuz actually mrs. poirier who started the "jelly fatterson" nic. funny huh? guess she got tired of jelly meddling in her love life so much.

    later, becks

    p.s.--hey liz how is mtigwaki? is jesse bugging u a lot now that ur back?

     
  • At 9:11 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, speaking of doritoes, i found an awesome recipe for cheddar crackerz, but i'm afraid 2 try it @ home, cuz u know my mom wd just eat 'em all. do u mind if i come ov. 2 yr place 2 make 'em? i'll bring the ingredients & my secret collection of season-4 trailer park boys dvd's.

    i'm not surprised abt. mrs. poirier. mom thinx they're bestest buds, but i c the way connie lks @ her when mom's not looking back.

    ger, that dr. of yrs is only telling u half truths. yeah, he's the only urologist in mboro & he obvs. wants 2 hold on2 every bit of biz he can get. which makes me think that besidez doin' perv. stuff 2 u, he mite do stuff 2 make yr healing slower just so he can stretch out yr biz. i found out that there's a urologist @ the rennie wilford memorial hospital, which is just outside of mboro & abt 4 blocks away fr. becky's. i used some of the medical databases that dee has access 2, & i found out that this doc @ rennie wilford, dr. tiede gekwalificeerd,
    not only graduated @ the top of his med-school class, but he has no complaints against him. yr doc schlanger has like 4,678 pending complaints, & he barely got thru is med-school proggy. so i think u shd sked an appt w/ dr. gekwalificeerd.

    apes

     
  • At 10:49 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Beloved April,

    I spoke to my parents about your kind concerns about Dr. Schlanger. My father was very angry when I mentioned Dr. Schlanger's unfortunate reputation. It seems that he and my father are old college chums, and Dad insists that Willy would never do anything unprofessional. He also says that for me to see another doctor would be an insult. So it seems that I will continue to see Dr. Schlanger.

    I hope this does not cause any problems between us. Besides, I will not require his services for much longer. My "package" is healing nicely and he says that I require only one more follow-up visit. After that, he says it will be ready to be delivered into your box at your earliest convenience. I'm not sure what that means, but I suspect it may be a naughty joke.

    Devotedly and with burgeoning love, Gerald

     
  • At 10:59 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok apes come on over. we can eat cheese crackers an' talk about boys.

    u know u should prolly just let ger c that pervo doctor. it's creepy but at least it gives ger some1 2 talk 2 about all his crazy desires other then u.

     
  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, becks, i'll be rite ov.

    ger, u do what u want, but mayB u shd tell yr dad what his old buddy did 2 u. yr dad mite not think that's very cube of him.

    & the box thing is a dirty joke. shut up, dr. perv.

    apes

     
  • At 12:29 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My voluptuous little vienna sausage,

    Could you please explain the dirty joke to me? I don't get it.

    I would like to take you out on a date later tonight. Dinner and a movie, perchance? I shall pick you up at 6:30 sharp. Dr. Schlanger thinks it's safe for Gerald Junior to go out on the town again, despite yesterday's unfortunate spatula accident.

    Forever your devoted slave, Gerald

     
  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i'm not allowed 2 go out when we have school the next day, u know that. mayB friday.

    "box" is a slang word 4 the girl genitals, ya foob.

    apes, fr. becky's pooter

     
  • At 1:27 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    So I have some time, I'll sit and write. Classes are in full swing which makes me a very busy woman. Gary and Viv have been keeping a close eye on me, which is a little unnerving but it's nice because the concern they give me isn't like Mom's. Jesse is being Jesse. How could he be anything else? He's a great kid though, my little spy. He keeps me up on all the gossip in Mtig.

    Anyway, I thought I'd write to you a little bit about what the Mitgwaki people are really like. If you believe Mom then you think Native people walk around in traditional dress all day, dancing all night to the beat of the drums and generally communing with nature while walking around being all noble and wise.

    Firstly, I'll tell you that the community is tight knit. Almost everyone is related to everyone else because it's just small here so they are all into everyone's business, but not like Mom. Nothing escapes their notice. They love to play noble native for tourists. They think it's pretty funny to chase tourists for rides and basically play with their heads. They said that when an outsider moves into the area they like to lay it on thick to see if the person is going to stay or leave. If they stay then they let the pressure off and all is well. Imagine how relieved I felt when I came home to Mtig and found out how much I'd really been accepted. They pestered Mom mercilessly which was kinda funny. They call her something which translates into, "The Growling Pole Cat with Large Nose and Wide Load", there is no way I can pronounce it but Mom thinks it's something noble.

    They told me about Howard's visit and what they did to him, and about a few other visitors they had this summer. Howard is fortunate they didn't know who he was at the time or he'd probably be sitting at the bottom of the lake. Jesse told me he thought pestering him was hilarious. They spent a good twenty minutes laughing about something they did to his car. I have no idea what it was and as Howard's posts haven't said anything about car trouble....I'm not really sure they did anything. Howard might check under his hood for fish or something, but it's been so long I'd think he'd have smelt it by now.

    Last night several of us went up to Spruce Narrows and got so hammered that we had to call Gary to come pick us up. Gary was a little teed off to be called at 2am. I ended up getting into a fist fight with some woman saying I'd been hitting on her boyfriend. I would have sworn she was Therese, except she had blonde hair. So, this morning I have a big black eye and am trying to figure out how to hide it from my students tomorrow.

    On the Mom front. You know darn well she pried and pried and had a lot to say about the Anthony situation, but I'm really not feeling like discussing that right now. My feelings about what happened this summer are just too hurtful right now, but yes her letter was total propaganda. I did tell her that should she start shooting her mouth, that when I got married I'd take myself, my husband and children to Timbucktu before I let her get her greedy grandma hands on them.

     
  • At 2:00 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Ger, Im coming over this aft 2 c u w/ the beat tracks I burned from my 'puter so we can jam 4 awhile. U hafta start thinking abt something else B4 u Bcome a perv w/ a lawyers bill.

     
  • At 2:12 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Treasured friend Duncan,

    I eagerly await your arrival. You're quite right about the state of my soul. My adored girlfriend is clearly afraid that I will sink into irredeemable perversitude. Please do come over so that we might "jam" to your tracks.

    My bliss-bestowing little bobo,

    I took it upon myself to call your mother and father to implore them to allow you to accompany me to yon movie theatre tonight. They agreed, so long as I get you home by 10 pm.

    I shall pick you up in my dad's LeSabre at 6:30 pm.

    Your devoted partner in amour, Gerald

     
  • At 3:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, that's so funny abt. the jokes the mtiggy ppl do. u're rite abt telling mom 2 back off.

    ger, u know what just happened? my mom just called me on my cell & yelled @ me 4 putting u up 2 calling & having the rulez bent. when i sed i didn't know u were gonna do that, she was all, "u expect me 2 believe that?!?!" so guess what? she sez u r not picking me up. we, yes, we, are meeting u @ the movie. mom's gonna sit on 1 side of us & dad's on the other.

    btw, dad heard u have been going 2 dr. schlanger & he knows all abt his "unorthodox" practices.

    so, thanx a lot, ger. mayB next time u decide 2 do sumthin' like that behind my back, just don't.

    neway, this is my last post fr. becks's pooter cuz i've gotta go home & study 4 our vocab quiz.

    apes

     
  • At 4:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I am so sorry I messed up your pool party by letting Rhetta come and I am so sorry I mentioned your special moment with Jeremy yesterday. I feel like you really hate me and I hope I haven’t lost your friendship. This thing with Rhetta has gotten really out of hand. I have lost any kind of control over the situation.

    This morning I woke up, and as I had for the previous 2 mornings, felt like someone had applied a lot of friction to my privates. The difference this morning was that I woke up wearing a suit and tie and lying in the back of Rhetta’s car. It took me a moment to get oriented. Rhetta was driving and I told her to stop the car immediately, so I could get out. She said, “We’re going to have lunch with my parents, Howie, so you are welcome to jump out of a speeding vehicle, but I don’t recommend it.” I remembered how beat up I was the last time I jumped out of a speeding car, and I did not want to repeat the incident, so I waited until we stopped. We stopped way outside of Milborough in front of this large house. Rhetta told me, “Howard. All you have to do is have lunch with my parents, and I will drive you back to your apartment.” I foolishly agreed. We met her parents, and they were all, “So this is the fine young man who saved Rhetta from that awful Mr. Shakleford” and that kind of stuff. We sat down to eat lunch, and we just started into the spinach salad, when Rhetta said, “Daddy. Mommy. Howard and I have an announcement. We’re engaged!” I jumped up and said, “No, we're not!” Rhetta’s dad said, “Of course you aren’t engaged, Howard.” I breathed a temporary sigh of relief. Then he said, “You haven’t asked for our permission to marry Rhetta.” At this moment, Rhetta said, “Can we have your permission to get married?” And then Rhetta’s mom said, “Granted.” Fortunately, Rhetta’s dad said, “No. Howard has to do the asking.” So then Rhetta grabs my jaw with both hands and opens and closes my mouth while saying in a low voice, “May I marry Rhetta, Mr. Blum?” Before I could protest, Mr. Blum said, “Well, Howard, we really need to get a chance to know you first. What can you tell us about yourself?” I said, “For one thing, I am gay. Gay. Gay. Gay.” Mr. Blum said, “Oh that’s all right. I was gay too before Rhetta’s mom converted me. It was the happiest day of my life. Wasn’t it dear?” Then I said, “I like to wear dresses and wigs.” Mr. Blum said, “I do too. I have been looking for someone with whom to compare fashions.” I said, “I am developing a real hatred for your daughter.” Mr. Blum said, “Oh, I used to hate Rhetta’s mom too. It took me years to really appreciate her.” I said, “I am out on bail for attacking 3 women and could spend the rest of my life in jail.” Mr. Blum said, “We are aware of that situation. I am sure that you will get off with just a fine.” I said, “I like to sing opera.” Mr. Blum said, “Oh my. Oh dear. I don’t know if we can have the grandchildren exposed to opera. Don’t you know any songs by Bobby Curtola?” I lied, and said no. Mrs. Blum said, “I’m sure we can overlook that detail, dear.” Mr. Blum said, “Well, I guess I give my permission then. You would be engaged except for Rhetta’s not having a ring.” Rhetta and her mother leapt from the table and ran out of the room, and when they came back they were each holding a diamond engagement ring. They started having an argument about which ring I should use for the engagement and while they were arguing, I ran out of the house and down the road. I hitchhiked back to my apartment and read the posts from today and yesterday. I really need to talk to my bud about this, but you must hate me now after what I did to you yesterday.

    Wallowing in self-pity,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 4:36 PM, Anonymous Jason said…

    Peter wanted to know when Gerald got his license and wants you to know April that he'll give you a ride to the mall or something sometime and won't be all pervy about it. He says, "Besides a 14-yo is too young for me". But he still thinks you're like way cool anyways.

     
  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, jase. gerald doesn't have his licence, cuz he's only 14 just like me. he was totally talking about his dad dropping us off, but he wanted 2 sound all kewl. that's nice of peter. i will prob. take him up on his offer sometime.

    apes

     
  • At 5:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, & i didn't mean 2 ignore yr post howard. wow, i don't know what happed 2 rhetta. she used 2 seem pretty normal when she d8ed mike. i hope u can get her 2 come 2 her senses w/out hurting yr case.

    apes

     
  • At 7:17 PM, Anonymous bethany frittata said…

    hey, this is bethany, from apes' english class. i was just @ the milboro multiplex an' what a weird thing i just saw. apes was there with gerald and, i guess, her parents (mom an' dad kinda look the same, 'cept the mom has a potato nose an' the dad has a cleft chin?).

    well, i was leaving the theatre when they were queueing up. gerald was like, "mr. p, it's ok, really, u don't have 2 stay, we'll b fine on our own, and my dad doesn't mind picking us up."

    & mr. p goes, "oh, no. no, no, no. i know all about your "doctor" (he did air quotes) with his "treatments" (air quotes) and "advice" (air quotes).

    "but mr. p. . . ."

    "it's settled."

    then they get to the box office, & gerald goes "4 tickets for 'the exorcism of emily rose.'"

    but mr. p goes, "nope. not 'emily rose.' 4 tickets for 'the 40 year old virgin'" & he glares at gerald when he says this. april was, like, slumping like she wanted 2 hide. neway, what was that all about?

    bethany

     
  • At 8:20 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Apes, my mom says that yr mom called her this aft an' asked if I could go 2 the movies w/ u, Ger an' yr 'rents 2nite. My mom said no 'cos its a school nite. Yr mom is acting a bit weird I think.

     
  • At 8:41 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I ran into your mother at the movie theatre. I got tired of waiting around for Becky to post, and decided to see a nice motion picture to take my mind off my troubles. I decided to take Kortney’s car, which I had not used since our trip to Mtigwaki. I thought it still had the odor of those nasty Mtigwakians until I found a little surprise under the hood. It was nasty, but typical of their warped and depraved sense of humour. If I never see a Mtigwakian again, it will be too soon. I decided to take Kortney’s car anyway to let it air out on the trip over to the theatre. Plus Rhetta is much less likely to recognize it than my car.

    The picture I chose was “Red Eye”, directed by Wes Craven, so I figured it was going to be a nice horror picture with that cute, little Rachel McAdams. Little did I know that it was about a woman being threatened by a guy who was trying to make her do something she didn’t want to do. It was hitting a little close to home with what had been happening between me and Rhetta, with the gender parts reversed of course. I started crying a little too hard, and people started shushing me. So, I took a little break to the popcorn stand to regain my composure. I saw your mother there, grabbing up a couple boxes of candy. She looked at me for some time and then said, “You’re Becky’s music teacher.” I acknowledged that I was. She said, “I don’t like what you’ve done with your hair. It’s far too short.” I replied, it’s not really short, it’s pulled back into a very, very tight bun.” She looked a little embarrassed and said, “Oh, then I heartily approve. You can never have your hair pulled back too tight.” Then she turned and went back into the theatre. I did not see you there, but I see from other posts that you were there too. I hope you and Gerald enjoyed your time together. He seemed like a nice fellow when I met him yesterday, at least during the times when he wasn’t screaming in pain.

    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 8:59 PM, Anonymous Buick DePré said…

    Hey, I'm a projectionist at the Milborough Multiplex. I'm up in the projection booth for "The 40 Year Old Virgin". I'm bored to tears because I've seen this flick so many times, so I've been surfing the 'net and I found this blog when I did a search on "Milborough Multiplex". Well, yeah, I told you I was bored.

    So, April, you must be the girl with a teenage boy on one side of you, a middle-aged guy on the other, and a fat-arsed middle-aged woman by the teenage boy. I don't usually notice people out in the crowd, but the boy keeps doing the "stretch an' hug" trick, and then every time he does, the mid-aged guy on the other side of you smacks his hand away and he yelps. Then the people in the theatre keep shushing him. I'm surprised the usher hasn't escorted that boy out. I think he might've fallen asleep.

     
  • At 9:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ugh, i just got home. we didn't make it all the way 2 the end cuz the usher threw us out. it doesn't really matter cuz i cd barely pay attention, what w/ger tryin' 2 feel me up every oth. second ev. tho my dad was on the other side of me smackin' ger's hand every time he tried. then he actually tried 2 put my hand in his crotch! my dad was totally watching ger insteada watching the movie, so when ger tried that, dad yanked away ger's hand & mine &, well, he kinda punched ger. yeah, there. that's when ger let out this squeeeaaaaaaaalllllllll that musta woken up that usher who kicked us out.

    yeah, dunc, i don't know why my folks didn't just say no in the 1st place. i don't know how ger managed that. but it seemz after they talked, my dad went out to make sum planz for his little train yard & ger's dad was walking by. he sed something about how ol' willy schlanger was taking such gd care of his son. my dad was like "THE willy schlanger" & ger's dad was, "yeah, of course". that's when dad ran in2 the house & he & mom changed up the planz.

    i cd say sum more abt all this but i'm 2 tired & mad & i don't ev. feel v. well prepared 4 that vocab quiz 2morrow.

    apes

     
  • At 10:04 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh boy mom made me spend the rest of the afternoon finishing cleaning up the pool area an' look what i missed.

    sorry howie i didn't get 2 respond earlier. i m not mad at u nemore an' we r still friends. i understand u r in a tough situation with rhetta being your surety so it's hard 2 just ditch her 4 being psycho. i m sorry 2 hear that she is trying 2 make u marry her. i emailed kortney about the situation 2day an' i hope she will e me back some advice. hang in there an' we will figure something out. i asked uncle ralph if he might be ur surety just in case an' he sed he'd think about it.

    well apes that sounds like a terrible date but i don't really think it's ger's fault. ok so he's a horndog but it's ur parents who r krazee an' can't let u 2 go alone 2 the movies. an' so what if he wants 2 make out in the movies with u that's normal. jeremy an' i ren't even bf an' gf an' when he came over 2nite 2 watch tv with me we kinda fooled around a little. (no still no "jobs.") u should cut him sum slack an' unbunch those granny panties ur mom makes u wear an' have some fun with ger. what happened 2 u? after grad u were way hott 4 his bod! maybe if u gave him a little he wouldn't act so krazee.

    jeremy an' i studied a little 4 the vocab quiz we played a game where we tested each other an' if he got a word rite i had 2 kiss him an' vice versa. there wuz a lot of kissing so i think we're ready.

    c u 2morrow! becks

     
  • At 1:31 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I am so glad that you are not mad at me anymore. It has been a pretty miserable day today, but now a little less miserable thanks to my bud.

    I called my lawyer about changing from Rhetta as a surety to your uncle Ralph. He said that he would prefer not to lose Rhetta as a surety, as her standing in the community looks really good in court and helps the case. Also, he said it is highly unusual for the accused to request a change in surety. If there is a change in the surety, it is usually the surety who requests the change. If I were to request a change in surety from Rhetta it would raise a lot of questions that could adversely affect my case. However, if I insist that Rhetta no longer be my surety, then I must return to custody and reapply for release.

    As for your uncle Ralph, my lawyer told me that a person needs to have no criminal record in order to qualify as a surety. This may be a surprise to you, but when your uncle Ralph disappeared for a few years and told you he was abducted by aliens, I think that was something that he told you when you were young so you wouldn’t know that he had done a little jail time. In other words, your uncle Ralph may not be qualified to be my surety. I will have to ask him and confirm my suspicion. I hope he will tell me the truth and not just whip out that volt meter on his 6th toe.

    I told my lawyer the story about being drugged by Rhetta and the tricks to try to get me engaged to her and he said that’s pretty much standard dating procedure with Milborough women. He said date rape is extremely common, but almost never prosecuted because the men are too embarrassed to press charges. He suggested that I talk with Rhetta about my concerns in a safe place where there is no food to be spiked or drugged envelopes to be licked. He also told me to look out for dart guns, drugged lipstick, sparkly fingernail polish and very shiny high-heeled shoes.

    I decided to call Rhetta instead. That seemed safer than having to outwit her in a personal meeting, where I would almost assuredly lose. When she answered, she was very upset that I had walked out on her and embarrassed her in front of her parents. I told her I would take losing her as a surety and jail time to being continually drugged against my will. That seemed to sober her up. She seemed a little more apologetic. She was saying, “But Howard. I have money. If we are married I will take good care of you.” I said it was not about money. I just didn’t find her attractive. She said, “You’re gay and unprotected by the Milborough gay community and you are stuck in Milborough as one of your bail conditions to prevent flight risk. You are going to wake up one morning in a tuxedo, with a wedding ring on, and married to some person who will not treat you as well as I will.” I told her that not all Milborough women are like that, and I mentioned you and April as examples. She retorted, “14-year-old girls in Milborough do not casually invite gay men to their pool parties. They are marking their territory in advance, in case their boyfriends run off and marry somebody they meet in university. Becky and April are really smart. I wish I had set aside a gay guy when I was their age. Then I wouldn’t be single today.” I told Rhetta she was full of beans about you and April, and she told me I was painfully naïve about Milborough women.

    Anyway, Rhetta has agreed not to drug me anymore and I agreed to keep her on as my surety. I am going to call your uncle Ralph tomorrow and check on that criminal record, just in case.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

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