April's Real Blog

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Mom Sleeping Roadside (snerk!)

Mom's talking abt her trip again this morning, saying 2 Dad how after she found the motel no longer in biz she drove off & was kicking herself 4 driving while so tired, since she alwayz tells Mike & Liz not 2 do that. Then she pulled ov. 2 the side of the road & slept in the car. Dad's all, "Elly, why didn't U just sleep in the parking lot of that old motel?" And my mom's like, "But what if Norman Bates lives there?" & Dad's like, "U R a crazee broad!"

Becky's got her court hearing this morning 2 determine custody. I begged Mom & Dad 2 let me go, cuz Becks was really freaked abt this hearing & didn't even know what she was going 2 tell the judge. But they were like, "No, Apes, U stay out of this" & handed me a juice box. Like I'm 8! Good thing I have my thermy of strong coffee. NEway, shout out goes 2 Becks, who needs our good thoughts rite now.



  • At 8:47 AM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    dunc-the-hunk, it was fun studying with u last nite. but w8, which 1 is the rhone again?

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 9:10 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well we r at court alreadee. mom an' uncle ralph an' aunt mark r all here. they're just bringing dad in now he's in a orange jumpsuit an' a bunch of chains. ol' jelly fatterson just came in lucky 4 me she brought choo-choo johnny an' he's wearing his engineer's cap so they'll prolly look super krazee 2 the judge.

    ok gotta go they're saying "come 2 order!"

    bye becks

  • At 9:16 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, becks, does dad have his fuzzy "charlie choo-choo" cuddly toy with him?


  • At 9:24 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Someone here at the courtroom let me borrow one of their cell phones so I could post to you about what has been happening so far at the family court. We had to clear the courtroom so the judge could speak to the lawyers alone, so I have time to post. Your mom is here and she just finished making a speech about why it is she wants to be Becky’s guardian. She started off by talking about Becky’s poor home life, and how she should have the opportunity to live with someone pure as the driven snow, who could give her good moral advice and teach her how to dress properly. She mentioned how she didn’t want Becky to become a lonely wandering musical crack whore living in a gutter and how Becky should be in your band and booking parties for your band instead of just for her selfish, only child self. Then she started talking about how Becky was like a trip where you drive until you are too tired to go on, and how Becky was like a dangerous nap on the side of the road. At this point, the judge stopped her, partly because she was adjusting a chair to try to take a nap during the last part of her talk, and partly because the chair she had chosen was perilously close to Becky’s mom, who had actually started growling during your mom’s speech.

    More later,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok well mom is taking away my phone now so u mite not hear frum me 4 awhile.

    bye becks

  • At 9:30 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigah, howard, i don't know y my ma can't stop talking abt driving while tired & taking naps by the road. she's such a freakazoid.

    thanx 4 the upd8.


  • At 9:53 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Well we had to take a break again in court room. Becky’s dad was talking but your father kept on interrupting him by saying things like:

    A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
    He has crooked thoughts so it’s hard for him to think straight.
    A lot of shady characters are waiting for their day in the sun.

    And some others that Becky may remember. Becky’s dad grabbed your father’s train engineer hat and was running around the courtroom with it until he was subdued. I am afraid your dad’s hat was returned a little crumpled. Your dad started crying so loudly, the judge called a recess so he could regain his composure.

    More later,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:53 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    my dad is just compulsive abt the stoopid puns.

    hey, becks got her phone back fr. her mom 4 like 5 minutes so she cd text me & let me know that howard was removed fr. the courtroom a couple of minutes after that last message he posted. lks like we won't hear ne-thing else abt what happed in ct until becks can get back on l8r.

  • At 11:02 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok grabbed the phone back during the commotion i wuz gonna ask 2 go with my dad when he gets out of jail but i guess that's screwed now. the judge just added another 30 days 2 his sentence an' yelled, "ur not fit 2 raise a child!" at him as he got hauled out of the courtroom.

    well as they were hauling dad out uncle ralph got up an' started yelling stuff about how mcguires get discriminated against an' how it's not fair they're not all criminals there were 1 or 2 lawabiding mcguires in the history of canada. then aunt mark went up 2 the front an' tried 2 bargain 4 my dad's release by flirting with the judge saying stuff like, "what u got on under those robes, big boy?" an' sticking his hand under there. the judge got mad an' sentenced aunt mark 2 30 days. then uncle ralph got real angry an' got up on top of the table that mom's lawyer wuz using an' jumped onto the judge's bench an' started pounding the judge on the head with that little hammer. so uncle ralph got 30 days he would've got a lot more then that but the judge an' uncle ralph went 2 elementary school together an' so he just gave him contempt of court not assault.

    well then great aunt jackie got up an' asked the judge if this wuz the rite place 2 petition 2 get conjugal visits with my dad. mom started 2 cry when she asked this an' i m not sure y but when i asked she sed something about thanksgiving. then jackie smacked my mom on the head an' sed, "stop crying u big baby u need 2 toughen up u always were a spoiled bratty only child!" this just made my mom cry harder. the judge wuzn't in a good mood, so he gave great aunt jackie 10 days contempt of court 2.

    the judge gave mom custody. that's not what i really wanted but that's ok way better then going with jelly an' that bawlbaby choo-choo johnny.

    crap now we have 2 go 2 the judge's chambers 4 some conference or something gotta go


  • At 11:13 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, becks, what a crazee scene. i m so sorry my mom & dad had 2 go & bring xtra crazee along.


  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, i saw becky when she came back after the hearing, but we haven't really had a chance 2 talk yet. she seemed a bit freaked fr. the whole exp. i hope u r doing better by the time u read this, becks, & can let us know how yr meeting w/that judge went.

    btw, ger hasn't been posting 2day cuz he sprained his right wrist. he doesn't want 2 tell me how he did it. he sez he'll post l8r using his left, but it will take him longer cuz he's a righty.

    @ least that's what i think he was saying. it was hard 2 understand cuz he kept gnawing on thos jawbreaker candies all day.


  • At 3:43 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am back at work now. As you are aware, I didn’t get to see the conclusion to Becky’s custody hearing. Becky’s mother spotted me and so did her great aunt Jackie and after I was severely tongued by the 2 of them, the judge removed me from the courtroom, since I did not have anything to do with the case and my presence was causing a disruption. I was sad to have to leave, and not be able to be there for Becky. However, the look on your mother and father’s faces when I was being tongued was priceless.

    I guess I will have to wait like you until Becky feels able to tell what happened in the judge's chambers. In the meantime, it’s going to be another late night at work. Let me know if you hear anything about Becky or if you find out the story on Duncan and Kimmie.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that explains y my mom was all "what do becky's mother & great aunt think they're doing licking that nice music teacher with the very proper bun? do they have a salt deficiency?"

    i keep trying 2 ask dunc abt kimmy, but when i do, he just gets this little smile on his face & starts humming 2 himself. c'mon, dunc, ppl wanna know!


  • At 3:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    btw, i am on my way 2 c grandpa & iris so gramps can have some quality time with dixie. did u know dixie's a sheltie? she's the weirdest looking sheltie i've ever seen. most of them look like mini-lassies, but dixie looks like a cross betw lassie and a rat.

    ne-way, i'm bringing the grand-c pics. i'll lk 4 u.


  • At 5:28 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I just got on a break, so I have just now read your post. I hope you haven’t already come and gone. I will go to your grandparents’ apartment to see if you are still there.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I went up to your grandparents’ apartment. Iris was there and said you and your “grampster” were out walking the dog. She asked if I wouldn’t mind going down to the convenience store to pick up some Havarti for her. Apparently, she forgot to buy some the last time she went and your grandpa likes to feed the dog cheese. So I am off. I hope to see you when I get back.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    checking in on my phone. gramps & i just got back & we r waiting for "cowie" 2 return w/the cheese. we'd better not give her 2 much, tho, cuz my mom gets upset abt the effect that stuff has on dixie's poops.

    when we were out w/dixie, gramps was singing some old songs fr. the war & saying something about how his groupie-biddies love those songs. ew.

    oh, i think i hear a knock @ the door. l8r, peeps.

  • At 6:17 PM, Blogger howard said…


    If you try to contact me about what happened to you today, I am currently on a cheese run. I had bought some Havarti cheese for April’s grandpa to feed to his dog. When I got back to his apartment, I was informed that I bought the creamy Havarti, which is not the type Dixie likes. So I am going back to the convenience store. April is at her grandpa’s and maybe when I get back I will have the time to work on her hair with her.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i m so embarrassed abt the cheese. that is such a crock abt dixie not liking the creamy havarti. dixie eats her own vomit, yo. u kno who doesn't care 4 the creamy? gramps! sorry about that, howard!


  • At 6:33 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I just got back from delivering the cheese to the “grampster.” Her grandpa fed 2 pounds of the Havarti to the dog, which I agree with April does look like a collie / rat mix and not a sheltie. After that he got out a camera to take posed pictures of me and April. He says he wants to have a record of April and her gay guy during the courtship stage. April and I are working on some different ways to do her hair now. Grandpa Jim is just chuckling about how April is so traditional by picking such an effeminate man. Iris actually seems to be quite pleased also. Dixie, however, wants attention, so whenever I try a different plait or braid on April, I have to do it for Dixie too. There is a strange buttery odor coming out of Dixie now. I hope we do not have a disaster coming.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ew, i can't believe what gramps just did. dixie started doing sum rumbly farts & gramps was all, "uh-oh, emergency!" & he dragged her out 2 the balcony & held her w/her arse out ov. the edge. yeh, u guessed what happened next. & u know who was in the line of fire? gordo! i think he might have an old auntie who lives here.

    apes, w/pretty braids

  • At 6:53 PM, Blogger howard said…


    After Gordon Mayes got his Dixie shower, he charged up the stairs and started beating on April’s grandparents’ apartment door. He was saying a lot of things (that I won’t repeat) to Iris, but when he saw me, he got really mad and said, “I should have known.” Then, he charged at me. What Gordon didn’t know was that April’s grandpa had started feeding Dixie the creamy Havarti, because “she looked hungry.” Dixie just sort of exploded into Gordon’s face and pretty much most of the apartment. Gordon got blinded and ran into a wall and knocked himself unconscious. There were some other things that happened, but April will have to fill you in on those.

    I have to go get a mop and pail now.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so i just got home. ick, ick, ick. i warned gramps that if dixie has more than, like, a slice or 2 of that stuff she gets wicked-bad runz. "i think i kno my doggie a little better'n u do, missy, even if u do think u have some super communing-with-animals-abilities." "good grief, gramps, i'm not the 1 sez that stuff abt me, it's other peeps who do."

    neway, i'm now walking dixie home w/a freakin' depends on her 2 keep her fr. making a sludge path back 2 my house.

    well, so gordo was lying on the floor unconscious when his auntie winnie stormed in & sed, "oh, gordo, i thot u were over these sicko shit gamez u used 2 b in2!" whatevs she meant like that. & she got this big staff guy ben brupello 2 drag him out 2 her place while she cleaned his face w/windex & a rag. that's all i know cuz just then my phone rang & it was dad telling me 2 hurry home cuz mom was in 1 of her "states". boy, i can hardly w8 2 find out what it is this time.


  • At 7:33 PM, Blogger howard said…


    When I got back to your grandparents’ apartment, you, Gordon Mayes and Dixie were gone. Iris said she had put one of those adult-sized Depend Fitted Briefs your grandpa sometimes uses on Dixie, so you could take her home. She is currently bathing your grandpa, while I am taking a mop and bucket to the apartment floor, walls and ceiling. I think I am going to have to get some material cleaner for the chesterfields, the rugs, and the draperies. The windows are also covered. The whole place smells of sour butter and dog.

    This is the second social occasion I have had with you that ended up in disaster. I am so sorry. It was not a very nice thank you for bringing me the Grand Canyon pictures. I hope your mother doesn’t complain too much about the part of Dixie that went on you. Maybe she will be in too much of a “state” to notice. Let me know how it goes with her.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no worries, howard, mom doesn't know a thing. dixie's all done w/the runs & i've hosed her down. i threw away the outfit i was wearing (i didn't like it neway) & showered.

    mom's state was about old pictures again. she's been looking thru the fam album @ the old pics where she had a normal nose & crying "y'd i have 2 get pregnant a 3rd time? y did i let john do his thing that nite? y oh y!" i don't know y my dad insisted i had 2 rush home 4 this, but i guess cuz it took her focus off what my dad "did 2 her" that nite & focus on how being pg w/me is what (supposedly) made her nose fat.

    i'm the 1 who feelz sorry, howard, cuz it's my grandpa's stupid thing w/dixie & the cheese that caused that gross mess u ended up having 2 clean.


  • At 8:07 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am glad that everything is all right with your mother. I am posting from the cleaning supply area now. I have to get some pliers, and a couple of screw drivers. Somehow parts of Dixie got into the overhead lighting, under the light switch covers, and in the air ventilation ducts. So I have to unscrew it all to get it cleaned up.

    When I was cleaning Dixie off of some framed pictures, I did see some of your mother when she was younger. She was quite an attractive woman in those days. Are you saying that bearing you caused nose growth to what she has today? I suspect it is really genetic. I saw some pictures of your grandpa with your natural grandmother, where her nose looks just like your mother’s does now. April, don’t take this the wrong way, but you may want to consider rhinoplasty when you get older.

    Still cleaning,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, my mom is alwayz saying that being preg w/me is what caused her nose 2 blimp, but i nev. believe it. & i'm totally getting a nosejob if that ever happs 2 me.

    ew, i can't believe the dixie poops got all in2 everything like that. next time i bring dixie 4 a visit no cheese! if gramps even tries it i'll just grab that rat-collie & run the frick outta there, i swear 2 gah!


  • At 8:22 PM, Anonymous kimmi lasalle said…

    dunc an' i passed our retake on that geography quiz. whoot! ok, so we both got a "c", but @ least we passed!!!

    dunc, it was fun celebr8ing after school 2day.


    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I have to move the chesterfields and the book shelves and clean underneath them now. Your grandpa wants me to clean up anything that even smells remotely like a bit of Dixie. Iris is taking a bath to get Dixie off of her. Meanwhile, your grandpa is shuffling around the apartment sniffing for Havarti. Anything he sniffs, I have to clean. Their apartment is starting to smell more like lemon-scented cleaner than Havarti dog, so that is a good thing. They couldn’t have slept here as it was.


    Congratulations on passing your retake test and for latching onto Duncan. I hope the two of you had a fun celebration.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:18 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes, Im home now.

    Something weird happened 2night while I was having dinner @ the Lasalles. Mrs. L. got a phone call from this lady who was screaming @ Mrs. L. an' saying that Mrs. L. shouldnt let Kimmi hang w/ me 'cos the Andersons r devil worshippers. The lady was screaming so loud I could hear her voice an' I think it was yr mom, Apes, but I dunno y yr mom would do that. NEway, I told Mrs. L. that I dont remember going 2 NE satanic rituals or ceremonies @ home or NEwhere else an' that we always go 2 church 4 Xmas an' Easter an' Mrs. L was cube abt the whole thing. L8r.

    p.s. I cant make band practice 2morrow 'cos Kimmi invited me 2 a private party.

  • At 11:41 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It sounds like you are really getting along with Kimmie and her family. Someday I hope to meet both of you.

    I am glad to hear that you are not involved with devil worshippers. I had a real problem with them during my teenage years.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:34 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, r u sure it wasn't stacey-margaret bloomstocking's mom? cuz stacey-margaret's the 1 who was going around saying that ppl fr. barbados r devil worshippers? not that my mom isn't crazee enuf 2 make weird & random calls, but since she seems 2 think of u as fam, she'd prolly b more likely 2 call yr mom & say that kimmi's 2 raodside 4 u (not that i'm saying i agree, kimmi, that's just the kinda thing my mom wd say).


  • At 9:45 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    I dunno, Apes. It sounded like yr mom 2 me.


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