April's Real Blog

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Not the only idiot?

Fun fact abt my dad: whenever my mom refers to herself as an idiot? He nev argues that she's not! Fascinating, no? NEhoodles, B4 Mom left 2 drive Liz back to Mtigwhynotanormalname, he sez he told her, "Elly, don't 4get 2 stop @ the 1st motel U see as soon U're feeling tired. Don't try 2 push it & wait 4 the next motel. U never know 4 sure the next 1 will even B open". But, according 2 Mom, she did the opp of Dad's advice, & then sat in the lot of a closed-up motel thinking "Surely I'm not the only idiot who's come by". Well, Dad's not x-actly the type who won't tell U "I toldya so", lemme tell U.

But I've gotta cut this entry short cuz Dunc is in a panic abt that European Geography Quiz. He's tuggin' @ my sleeve & saying ov. & ov. "Which 1 is Rhine & which is Rhone?"




  • At 8:04 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    dunc is screwed. he grabbed me by the lockers screaming, "what are the major rivers of france?" i think he wuz 2 busy getting it on with kimmy lasalle 2 remember 2 study.

    well every1 knows ur mom is a fatbutted turnipnosed idiot except 4 her an' maybe mike an' dee.


  • At 8:21 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i guess we shoulda told dunc abt that kissing-n-study game. then @ least he cd put that mackin' on kimmy 2 gd use!


  • At 8:28 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well if kimmy used that ky on him they were prolly doing stuff that doesn't go well with studying.

    so dunc r u a man now? :P


  • At 8:32 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    r u turning in2 a stud, dunc? :)


  • At 8:50 AM, Blogger howard said…


    When Kortney and I were coming back from Mtigwaki, that hotel where your mother stopped in front of, was open. That’s where we stayed overnight with the 7 Mtigwakians in the same room, after they tried to convince the hotel manager to give them separate rooms by paying the manager in fish. He refused. As we were leaving the next morning, I remember seeing the hotel manager and most of the staff running around frantically, but I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Now that I hear that your mother has found it to be closed I think that either (a) the Mtigwakians that were with us played some sort of disgusting practical joke on the hotel that caused it to be permanently closed or (b) thanks to the Mtigwakians, the hotel manager puts up closed signs whenever he sees a car coming from Mtigwaki or (c) the hotel manager puts up closed signs whenever he sees your mother arriving, or (d) all of the above. Did your mother tell you what happened next?

    Anyway, I am heading off to work. If I see your grandpa I will try that WAR HERO thing you suggested yesterday to try to get back into his good graces.

    By the by, if you can get Duncan to spill, I wouldn't mind hearing what he says about Kimmy. You guys' love lives are so much less complicated than mine.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:13 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i will have 2 wait until 2morrow b4 posting abt my mom some more. i can't think abt mom while i'm reviewing this european geog. stuff. i feel pretty gd about it, but ger wants 2 review again behind the bleachers during lunch.

    don't 4get 2 look very, very sincere when u ask gramps abt the war hero thing. i know u have acting exp. so u shd b able 2 pull this off v. well.


  • At 9:35 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Oh, man. Rhine, Rhone. I cant keep those rivers str8t. Im freaking here. L8r.

  • At 9:38 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, & i just remembered, dunc mite have sum advice 4 keeping the oldies distracted, cuz he had 2 read 2 them all summer.

  • At 9:55 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i'm so nervous i have 2 give a speech in english class 2day. i will prolly not post the rest of the day i need 2 get psyched up 4 it.

    also, i m gonna b out of school 2morrow i have 2 go 2 family court with my mom 2 testify about which parent i want 2 live with. i haven't decided yet. i mite ask 2 live with uncle ralph an' aunt mark. but mom's been better lately. we will c.

    i m so nervous that i think i forgot all the river names.


  • At 10:04 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    think of kissing jeremy & i'll bet those riverz will all come back 2 u!

    gd luck w/the speech & court.


    p.s. i can't believe we have 2 do "tell a story abt some1 in the room" speeches!

  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I just finished lunch with your grandpa and step-grandmother Iris, and I thought I would let you know how it went.

    I was picking up and emptying trashcans in the hallway outside your grandpa’s apartment when he opened the door and scowled at me and grumbled something about lost groupies. Just like you told me, I tried to look very sincere and said, “Mr. Richards, I have heard that you are a decorated WAR HERO!” Just like you said, he went, “No. I’m no HERO” and then he invited me inside the apartment so he could relate his war experience. We sat down on the chesterfield, and he started off about how he participated with the Royal Canadian Air Force in the Battle of Britain fighting along with the English Royal Air Force and flying the then-new Mosquito fighter/bombers against the German Luftwaffe (the German air force) over Britain and the English Channel. Then he told me about the mission where he got his DFC (Distinguished Flying Cross). Then he started talking about his old comrades-in-arms, the most famous one being Russ Bannock, who lived in Toronto. At this point, Iris brought in a lunch of baked salmon, roast corn, and acorn bread, which was really pretty good; but your grandpa groused about having to eat healthy food.

    Over lunch, he started talking about how he used to play with a group of guys in England during the war. The group was called Bangers 'n' Mash and they played for RAF dances and some officer's dinners. I thought this was an appropriate time to mention how much I loved singing with his band last night and how sorry I was that I had ruined the experience for him and that I hoped I would get to sing with him again. He grumbled at me, and Iris said, “We’ve had a nice visit with Mr. Kelpfroth, dear. He’s been here for 4 hours. Don’t you think you could let him play in your band?” Your grandpa said, “Never! I only got to sign 3 butts last night. I need to have my (b)ASS relief.” Then he chuckled at his joke. Iris said, “You were just saying last night how much you liked a good visit.” Jim said, “I was talking about a visit from my grandchildren. 2 of them haven’t visited in over 3 years, but my sweet pea April visits all the time.” Iris said, “Remember, dear, that Mike and Deanna came by with the kids last February.” Jim said, “Sitting down for 30 minutes and complaining how awful your life is, while your children run amok in the building is not a visit. That’s a torture.” Then he starting speaking in a mocking tone, “Oh, parenting is so hard. Oh, we can’t pay the bills. Oh, I have to work long hours. Oh, the neighbors are mean to us.” His tone reverted to normal, “Mike’s wife is easy on the eyes though. I would do her in an instant. Those big lips.” And then he puckered his lips and started making a sucking sound. Iris punched him and he said, “Well, anyway, April’s the only decent grandchild. Say, she’s in high school now, so she should be looking for her layaway gay. You know Coward, if you are interested I can introduce you to her. You can take her for a test spin, after all the legal age of consent in Canada is 14.” I told your grandfather that wouldn’t be necessary as I already knew you and I had seen you last Saturday at a pool party. He said, “Oh that April is a smart one. I should have known she had already picked out her gay guy. Well, when her boyfriend dies of old age, I’ll welcome you to the family.” Then his eyes closed and he started muttering, “Teenage girls at a pool party, feeding me grapes, rubbing oil into my back.” And then he was asleep. Iris showed me to the door, and said, “I’ll talk to him about the band. Last night was the first time he’s come back from a concert, when I didn’t have to massage his back.” I thanked her for lunch and went back to work. I am going to have to work late tonight, to make up the time.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ew, ew, ew, gramps. i h8 when he gets like that w/the raunchy talk. last week he was saying i need 2 use my fake id 2 start trolling the gay barz. must, must, must get out of m-boro.

    and omigod, i can't believe gerald's speech in english class was "my sweet little april shower is a may flower". my speech was abt this 1 time when becky & i were at band camp (no, i don't mean that u pervs!). becky had 2 do a piano recital & she was so nervous she thot she was gonna pee her pants! but she totally rocked it & that's when she knew she wanted 2 get serious abt her music.

    ne-way, gotta go 2 my next class!


  • At 4:46 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Good luck in family court tomorrow. I know my bud will make the right decision about where to live. I support you in whatever decision you make.

    I have to go and clean up the cafeteria now. The old people loaded up some super soaker squirt guns with prune juice and had a little fun there.

    Howard Kelpfroth

    P.S. to April. If you start getting pressured to get a backup gay guy, say you have an agreement with a man named Coward Helpforth. I will make an appearance in disguise or drag if needed.

  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, "coward", i will keep that in mind!


    p.s. i got a perfect score on that geog quiz! woohoo!!!

  • At 7:10 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Oh, man, I flunked the quiz an' so did Kimmie. We hafta write a makeup quiz in detention 2morrow. Im going over 2 c Kimmie so we can study 2gether. L8r.

  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Congratulations on the geography quiz. That kissing method of studying must really work. Did it work for Gerald too? I'm sorry Duncan flunked, but maybe Kimmie was worth it.

    I have to work late tonight to get the work done I didn’t do during the time I lost in the 4-hour conversation with your grandpa this morning. Iris took pity on me and made me supper, which I ate while your grandpa and step-grandmother were watching “Doctor Who” on the television. They seem to be really into that show. They were pretty cute when they pointed their arms at each other and said in a mechanical voice "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" several times in a row in imitation of one of the “Doctor Who” villains.

    If you are not locked in the house with homework and you want to play with any hairstyles and stuff, I will be here pretty late. You can always say you’re going to visit your grandpa. It won’t bother anyone around here. They are pretty much all asleep by 7 pm. Of course, if you are studying with Gerald again, then forget I even asked. I don’t want to interfere with a romantic study session.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:17 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    p.s. Howie, stay out of the rec centre @ Mboro Manors. Those oldies dont listen 2 nething or nebody they just yap all the time.

  • At 7:23 PM, Blogger howard said…


    That's good advice. It's a similar situation here in the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace. One time I got caught in a conversation until fortunately the old fellow dozed off mid-sentence and then I ran off. It was a narrow escape.

    By the by, when are you going to give us the details about you and Kimmie?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oops, i got yr invite 2 L8, howard, cuz i'm not supposta go out after dark on my own. i'll def take u up on that another time.

    ger got an 85%. i think he wd have done better xcept he 4got his bks in his locker & ended up L8 2 class & we were already 5 mins in2 the quiz when he started, so he had 2 rush.


  • At 9:04 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well peeps i got a 82% on the geog quiz. i think i m just 2 nervous abt everything that's going on. also when we were studying jeremy kept asking me when i wuz gonna b his gf officially an' so we werent 2 focused on the river names.

    my speech wuz titled "101 wayz a girl can get a bad reputation." i got a a+. i guess jeffo wuz good 4 something after all.

    i m really nervous abt court 2morrow. i don't know who 2 pick. plus mom, dad, uncle ralph, aunt mark, great aunt jackie, an' grandma hortense have all done jail time (actually grandma hortense is still in) an' so i don't really know if the judge will let me live with ne of my relatives. plus the court clerk called an' sed that ol' jelly fatterson filed a last minute petition with the court 2 b declared my guardian. i guess she sed in the papers that she thinks my only hope not 2 b a lonely wandering musical crack whore living in a gutter is 2 get fully pattersonized. living with apes would be kewl but living with jelly an' johnny choo-choo would totally sukk.

    so i have no idea what will happen 2morrow an' i m freaking.


  • At 9:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, becks, my mom didn't ev. tell me she was gonna do that! u r rite, it wd b cube 2 have us in our house, but i'd feel bad that u had 2 deal w/my crazee 'rents.

    i wish i cd take the day off 2 support u but i m not allowed. i saw marjee & she sed she was gonna go & support u, but that yr mom freaked out & sed no effing way.


  • At 10:12 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I know from my own personal experience that judges usually consider the mother to be the more able parent, even if she has a criminal record and a long history of violence. Unless you voice strong objections to her, that is my guess whom the judge will choose. I have worked with your uncle Ralph and met your aunt Mark a couple of times, and I know you would like living with them. My experiences with your mother have not been as pleasant, but I suspect that has more to do with me than with you. Your father would be the ideal choice, except for his currently being in jail. The night I spent with him before my bail hearing, he spoke at great length about how much he loved you and wished he was out of jail to take care of you.

    I am so sorry that I did not realize from your post this morning that the family court thing was so important to you. So many things have been happening to me lately, I must have been too wrapped up in myself to notice. I have asked the apartment manager for time off in the morning, so that I can support you as you did for me during my bail hearing. He has agreed on the condition that I work late to make up the time. The turnover rate for my position at the apartment is so high, I suspect he would agree to anything reasonable that involved me still working. Don’t worry Becky, I promise to sit in the back, far away from your mother, so as to not create a disturbance. If I see your mother getting upset with my being there, then I will exit post haste.

    As for your problem with Jeremy, when I last saw him I could tell that he was definitely interested in you, so I can’t say that I am surprised that he wants to be your official boyfriend. It is quite understandable, as you are an attractive, intelligent and very talented young lady, whom any fellow would be proud to have as a girlfriend. When it comes to love, boys are as thick as bricks. Whatever you decide about him, you will need to tell him very directly, or he will never get it. I remember when my boyfriend in the Training School for Boys wanted to break off our relationship; it wasn’t until he threatened me with a knife that I finally got it.

    I will see you in court tomorrow and I will support you no matter what you decide. I am heading home now, and if you need to post to me some more to talk, I will be available.

    Howard Kelpfroth


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