April's Real Blog: Big Stars of Tired

Friday, September 16, 2005

Big Stars of Tired

My dad seems kind of annoyed that my mom is only telling a little bit of her story each morning. On the other hand, we're sort of used 2 that. So Mom was surprised 2 find she'd been taken 2 a police station 4 the nite. She got 2 sleep in the staff rm insteada in a cell. She sez she was, like, ridiculously tired. She felt like she had big stars of tired coming out of her head or sumthin'.

Looks like things are moving pretty fast between Duncan & Kimmi LaSalle, though I think some parents R trying 2 slow them down. It also lks like Kimmi mighta gotten in2 my Blogger acct last nite. I guess "scaryelly" was 2 EZ a p'word 2 guess. I've gone & changed 2 sumthin' more random. Now, don't go trying that again, Kimmi!

In other news, wooooooooo, it's Friday! Ger & I R gonna go see that new Reese Witherspoon movie, Just Like Heaven, & then dinner @ the food court.

L8r, gators!

Apes

23 Comments:

At 8:31 AM, howard said…

April,

I woke up this morning experiencing a feeling I had felt before. I had that same drug-induced grogginess I felt at the times when Rhetta had drugged me. I woke up in a strange room, in a bed I didn’t recognize, and with a female arm draped around me. I turned over to see to whom the arm belonged. It was Becky.

She said, “Oh you’re finally awake. You need to get dressed and get out of here.” I said, “What’s going on?” Becky said, “There’s no time to explain it now. I’ll tell you what happened later.” She was helping me put on clothes and every time I tried to ask a question about last night, she shushed me and said, “Later.” I left her house, and now I am getting ready for work.

I am really anxious to get that post from Becky. The last thing I remember was drinking that sparkling grape juice and then sitting down in her living room. Have you heard anything from her?

Nervous,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 8:35 AM, April Patterson said…

i'm not sure what happened, howard, but as we were passing in the hall, becks sed sumthin' abt having found u in a bad sitch & helped u.

apes
At 8:42 AM, howard said…

April,

Becky is my bud. I knew she would help me out of a bad situation, whatever that situation was. Anyway, I am heading out for work now. Let me know if you learn anything and please tell Becky to post to me, so I know what happened.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 9:02 AM, Anonymous said…

apes, sorry about posting from ur account yesterday. i was actually really pissed about ur mom an' i was thinkin' "that elly patterson is one scary bitch". then i thought, "wdn't it b funny if april's p-word was 'scaryelly'?" so i tried it & it was! i swear i didn't do ne-thing w/ur acct. i just did my post an' i wasn't even tryin' 2 post as u, as u can tell since i signed it as me.

ne-way, dunc, 4 sum reason the principal searched my locker & took my "rainbow" of lipstix. i wonder what that was all about.

kiMMi <3 <3 <3
At 9:13 AM, April Patterson said…

that's ok, kimmi, i think u kinda did me a favour cuz every1 pretty much thinx my ma is scaree & i nev. shd have picked sumthin' so obvs.

apes

p.s. i just saw becks again & she was like "i swear 2 god howie needs a bodyguard!"
At 10:06 AM, howard said…

April,

Please tell Becky thank you for guarding me when you see her and tell her that I am sorry for being such a trouble magnet.

Iris just came in to the custodian's supply office and wants to talk to me about something. I will post to you later.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 10:47 AM, April Patterson said…

omigod, liz, i knew there was something not quite rite abt ma's story. thanx 4 filling in those deets!

apes
At 11:19 AM, April Patterson said…

wow, howard, i can't believe how often u get molested in this town! becky & i r gonna hafta start thinkin' up a gd plan 2 keep u protected.

i just saw dunc. he was muttering abt stoopid principal & nosy-ass parents?

apes
At 12:47 PM, howard said…

Becky,

I am supposed to meet with Gerald and his father after work today. Gerald is going to introduce us to each other. His dad said he wanted to meet me before agreeing to take over as my surety from Rhetta. If you could give the tape to Gerald, it might help me in convincing his dad to help me out.

I cannot thank you enough for saving me last night. You are a true friend, and I owe you big time. I thought the evening was going so well up to the point of the grape juice. I am so sorry I can’t seem to do anything without causing trouble for you. I was surprised to hear that your mother got the Rohypnol from Rhetta. Maybe all that fighting they did at the pool party was some sort of strange bonding moment for them.

Thanks a million,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:22 PM, howard said…

April,

I just finished shampooing the carpets in your grandparents’ apartment so I can post this to you. When I was talking to your step-grandmother I heard something I thought you should know. Iris summoned me to her apartment exclaiming that I did not do a good enough job getting the Dixie / Havarti smell out of the carpets. She told me that she and your Grandpa Jim were going to be out of the apartment today, so it was a good time for them to be cleaned. I asked her what she was doing and she said, “First we are going to the library. Then we are going to cruise the yard sales with my friend Doris and her daughter. Next we go to an estate sale. Then we go to the gardening store to get some more plants for my balcony garden. Then Jim needs a haircut. Then we are dropping off some hats I crocheted for the babies in the maternity ward at the hospital. Then we are going to our aquafit classes at the hospice health club. Then I have an appointment at my optometrist for my glaucoma. Then we are going with Elly and John to escort April on her date to see some movie about going to Heaven. Elly thinks it will be a good idea for us to see it to get us prepared for when we die.” Then she said to me, “Coward. You have been a little remiss in your courtship of April. So I took the liberty of sending some flowers to her school in your name with an appropriate love note. It cost 30 dollars.” Then she put her hand out. I looked at her blankly for a moment, and then opened my wallet. As they were leaving, your Grandpa Jim latched onto my arm and said, “I can’t do all these activities. She’s trying to kill me. Do something to save me, Coward!” But before I could say anything, Iris had dragged your grandpa out the door. So, if you get any flowers delivered to you at school, that’s the story about why that happened.

Have a good time at the movies tonight,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:37 PM, April Patterson said…

o. my. gah. so that explains y i got that special delivery in geography class. gerald grabbed the card away b4 i even had a chance 2 look @ it (i guess this was aft. his visit w/dr. f). & he's all, "aprilflower, who's this 'loving & devoted gay suitor coward'?" & i'm like, i dunno, but my g-rents have gotta b behind this mess.

& a whole other omigod 4 the d8 tonite. i can't believe my 'rents wanna ruin another nite 4 us! ger, mayB we can fig. out a way 2 give 'em the slip?

apes
At 2:51 PM, howard said…

Becky,

I just got a call from Dr. Forsythe, Gerald’s dad. He told me that you had given him the tape and that we were scheduled to have dinner with them on Sunday night, just like you said. I am still going to be introduced to him by Gerald after work at his office. After meeting me, he said he would make his official decision and inform us Sunday night.

He said he had listened to the tape you made, and agreed that there were certainly some incriminating statements being made by Rhetta Blum on it. He recognized her voice. I think they are both in the Rotary Club of Milborough. Then he asked me a curious question. He said, “How long has Becky McGuire been acting as her mother Krystle in phone conversations?” I said that you were just pretending in order to get information from Rhetta. Then he said, “I take it from the tape that you were drugged at Becky’s house last night.” I admitted that I was. Then he said, “Where did you wake up?” I sort of stammered and said, “Becky’s bed.” Then he said, “That’s very interesting. Did anything happen to you while you were unconscious?” I said, “Not that I know of, except some of my clothes were removed.” He said, “Do you know who removed them?” I said, “Well Becky told me her mother did.” He said, “Do you have any proof of that aside from her word?” I started getting a little angry at this point. I said, “Dr. Forsythe. Becky is my bud. She only thinks of me like a brother. I don’t like where you are going with your questions.” Then he said, “I am terribly sorry, Mr. Kelpfroth. I did not mean to offend you. It is just unusual for a 14-year-old girl to take an interest in finding a surety for someone. Unless…” Then he paused and said, “Are you a heterosexualist Mr. Kelpfroth?” I said I was not. Then he said, “Now I understand perfectly. I look forward to meeting you later today.” Then he hung up. It was a strange conversation. I hope I like him better in person.

April,

Please don't tell Gerald that Coward is really Howard. It will make things difficult when he introduces me to his father today. I hope you liked the flowers anyway. Good luck with slipping away from your parents and grandparents tonight. Before he left, your grandpa was talking about how the only thing he was looking forward to today was seeing how his sweet pea April did with a straight boy.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 3:40 PM, howard said…

Becky,

My experience with psychologists is that sometimes they think everything relates back to your relationship with your parents. Maybe that is what Dr. Forsythe was thinking about, when he asked those questions. I remember that after my parents first found me in a dress, I had a lot of visits to the child psychologist, who kept on asking me if I had, please pardon this vulgarity, “vagina envy.” My mother was convinced I had an Electra complex, which she got from some book she read and not from the movie with Jennifer Garner, where it is spelled Elektra. Your mother is right about scrubbing the tile grout for getting rid of frustrations though. I have used that method many times myself.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 4:03 PM, Anonymous said…

Dear Rebecca,

I am most displeased to learn that you have chosen to reveal the contents of my private, personal consultation with my therapist to our acquaintance at large. Have you never heard of doctor/patient privilege? This development is most distressing. A young man should be able to consult his doctor about matters of a delicate nature without having the dirty facts broadcast over the internet. Now I feel that I have no choice but to divulge the full story in order that people may judge me fairly.

Ever since grad, I have been having some dreams about my beloved April. These dreams are of a libidinous, lascivious nature, and were accompanied by a certain embarrassing physical response, to put it delicately. In other words, I was dreaming about getting to second base, and I jizzed in my sleep. Well, after this happened approximately 108 times, I consulted my father, who referred me to Dr. Schlanger. Dr. Schlanger assured me that it's normal and healthy for a young man to dream of going to second base. In fact, he was surprised I wasn't dreaming about hitting a home run, and he encouraged me to do so, saying it would be far more satisfying. I have found that this is indeed so. Since then, I have had approximately 213 nocturnal emissions. I must admit that having these dreams has become my main hobby. I often force myself to nap during the more boring classes, such as math and French, so that I can have them. I think I am developing quite the little Sominex habit.

However, my prurient interests have led me to have serious guilt, as Father O'Casey assures me a good Catholic should. In order to deal with this guilt, I often seek my father's wise counsel and reassurance. I sometimes find I need to do this three or four times per day.

However, none of this psychosexual angst will affect our little date this evening, ma petite coquette! By the by, I had my parents call your parents, and they have all agreed to sit in the back of the theatre, away from us, while we watch the movie and neck. Oh, did I mention that my parents want to come along as well? They thought it would be a swell outing.

Sincerely your passionate movie theatre "second baseman" forever, Gerald
At 4:07 PM, howard said…

Becky,

I don’t think guys believe girls use their (pardon me for using the word) vaginas like a pocket to carry tissues or hair clips or makeup or wallets or stuff you might normally carry in a purse or a pocket. I have heard of them being used for smuggling contraband. Plus there is a whole pile of dirty jokes that have to do with a guy finding unusual things in there and how it came to be there. Maybe that’s where the idea came from.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 4:13 PM, howard said…

Gerald,

I will meet you at your father’s office after I get off from work. Thank you so much for agreeing to introduce us. By the by, I hope that you are wearing something absorbent during your math and French classes when you take your naps.

See you soon,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 5:03 PM, April Patterson said…

gerald, mayB u shdn't sleep during school, cuz how r u gonna clean yrself up if u mess yrself during class? & b-sidez, u will get bad gradez if u sleep so much & u know u will b grounded if that happs.

i asked my mom y they were all going along, since we weren't breaking ne rulez this time. mom was all, "gramps was whining 2 me abt how we don't include him in enuf thingz. u r so lucky i don't make u feel guilty the way my dad does 2 me!" i'm thinking "wtf" but say "whatevs". i'm glad @ least they r letting us sit apart fr them @ least.

apes
At 5:10 PM, April Patterson said…

oh, becky, 4got 2 answer about the band stuff 2morrow. we will b there on time. don't worry abt dunc, ger & i will make sure he doesn't go on "dunc time" again.

apes
At 5:11 PM, Anonymous said…

Dear Howard and my beloved April,

Never fear. I borrow my mother's ultra-absorbent maxi pads.

Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 6:51 PM, howard said…

Becky,

I just finished having my meeting with Dr. Forsythe. It seems like good news, but there may be a problem. I need to discuss it with you.

I met Gerald at his father’s office. He will have to tell you what he said for his introduction of me to his father. I did not realize the flowery language he uses in his posts, was the way he actually speaks. I guess he was screaming in pain so much at the pool party last weekend, I didn’t get to pick up his natural speech patterns. After several minutes of introduction, he ended by telling his father that I was responsible for injuring his crotch with a spatula last weekend. I tried to explain the spatula thing was an accident, but Dr. Forsythe was nice and said, “I think that pretty much every kitchen utensil we have has injured Gerald in that area lately.”

So then I told Dr. Forsythe the whole story about the “attack” and my encounters with the Mayes family and my experiences with Rhetta Blum. He listened intently throughout all of it and then asked, “So you admit to attacking Elizabeth Patterson?” I said yes and he said, “You say that some of Milborough’s finest citizens, Gordon and Tracey Mayes, Lawrence Poirer and Nicholas Brown are actually criminals who hired you to attack Elizabeth?” I said yes and he said, “You say that Anthony Caine, who rescued Elizabeth Patterson from your attack, that you actually let him win to make him look good?” I said yes and he said, “You say that Rhetta Blum, daughter of one of Milborough’s oldest families and who put up the money for your surety so you could have your freedom, has been drugging you so she can convert you from being a homosexualist to a heterosexualist?” I said yes and he said, “Clearly, Mr. Howard you are suffering from a
Non-bizarre Delusional Disorder with Persecutory and Erotomanic subtypes. It is a shame that today’s police force chooses to persecute society’s deranged population with incarceration. I will have to discuss my financial situation with my accountant. If we are appropriately solvent, then I see no reason to prevent me from becoming your surety. I will tell you for certain at dinner on Sunday with that delightful Becky McGuire.”

During this whole conversation, Gerald had fallen asleep, but occasionally woke up moaning and in spasms. At one point, the moaning got particularly loud and Dr. Forsythe asked him to go to the waiting room. Then he said to me, “I have got Gerald seeing Dr. Schlanger for his peculiar medical problems. Dr. Schlanger said that Gerald’s real problem is that the girl he is seeing is not doing her part to help him out. I think your friend Becky McGuire is a much better choice for Gerald. Do you know if Becky already has a boyfriend?” I said that I was pretty sure that you would not be interested in Gerald, since Gerald’s girlfriend was your best friend. Then he said, “That’s not really answering my question.” Then I said I knew that there was a boy interested in you, but that he was not officially your boyfriend. Dr. Forsythe then said, “Good. Well, my wife and I are going to see what we can do during Gerald’s date tonight to make things happen.”

Then he led me to the door, and said, “I’ll see you and Becky on Sunday then Howard. It’s been good to meet you.” So then I left and came home. I would like him to be my surety over Rhetta. He is much less likely to drug and rape me. However, I feel he may have an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner on Sunday. You’re my bud, Becky, and you have done so much for me lately, I don’t want you to have to endure any more misery for me. If you decide to cancel going to the dinner on Sunday, I will completely understand.

Let me know,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:11 PM, howard said…

Becky,

You are so wonderful. I don't know how to thank you. I promise we will go to Tim Hortons and it is definitely my treat.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:20 PM, April Patterson said…

we r in the theatre now waiting 4 the prevues 2 start. ger's dad was being so weird in the movie queue. he's all, "so, miss patterson, will u give my gerald some relief soon?" & i'm like, "ger, do u have a migraine? do u want sum painkillers? i cd ask becky, cuz", & dr. f is like, "no, little patterson, not that kind of relief." & my dad is all, "i hope u r not suggesting what i think u r suggesting" & gramps is like "don't worry, april is smart enuf 2 have a reserve gay". & i'm "shut it, gramps, u don't know what u r talking abt", & mom's like, "oh, i don't know if we shd let u 2 sit by yrselves", but dad's like, "they'll b fine. we trust u, pumpindoodles." oh, prevues starting. l8r.

apes
At 7:50 PM, howard said…

April,

I am so glad to hear your grandpa survived the day. I hope the adults don't interfere with yours and Gerald's time at the movies too much.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth

April's Real Blog

Friday, September 16, 2005

Big Stars of Tired

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