April's Real Blog

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Dad's a BAD Grandpa!

Mike and Dee came by early this morning & dropped off Merrie & Robin so Dee could have a "spa day" and Mike could have a "sit around with Weed an' pretend he's still in university" day. Weird, Mike's day soundz pretty much like his normal routine.

So while Mom & I were inside playing w/Robin, Dad was showing off his choo-choos 2 Merrie. Poor kid, she wanted 2 play w/her grandpa's toys, but he kept telling her not 2 touch. Finally, she lets out a huge cry, & Ma goes out 2 C what's wrong. & Merrie's all, "Grampa won't share!!!" Me=ROTFLMAO!

Weird how sometimes Merrie, who turns 3 next month, can look like she's maybe 7 or 8. Today, she's got her hair in 2 ponytails, like how Becky useta wear her hair when we were littles. & she almost looks like a mini-Becks. Dee, R U sure U didn't have a secret baby when U were 15 & adopt her out 2 the McGuires? (JK, Becks, I know U don't wanna B related 2 Dee!)

So we had soooooooooo much fun playing @ the big Sam Driver party yesterday. We enjoyed playing 2gether as a band again, even if it's 4Sometymz insteada 4Evah.

Dunc, Ger & I will take U up on yr invite 2 meet U @ Tim Horton's. I cd def. use some of that Horny Tim's coffee! Cya @ 2!



  • At 8:13 AM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    dunc, it's just as well about the lipstix. i've got a cold sore, so i can't kiss u or rainbow u till it goez away.

    cya l8r,

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 8:59 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I am surprised that your niece could even get close to that outside train setup of your dad's. The last time I stopped by your house, I saw all that electrified wire around it with the sign that said, "No dogs! No rabbits! No cat! No vandals!"

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:00 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Check with your mom. If it’s all right with her, I will pick you up this afternoon, so we can go shopping for some show outfits. Then afterwards, we can go to dinner at Gerald’s dad’s and then go to Tim Hortons (my treat). I’ll be wearing a suit and tie for the dinner. Don’t laugh too hard when you see me.

    Just to let you know, I don’t approve of the outfits some of the young female pop stars wear today, which look like they were taken from the for sale rack at a used clothing store where the main contributors of the clothing were professional roadside gigs. That stuff is not good enough for my bud. We are going to find you some classy show dresses that will let people know that you are a great singer that just happens to have a nice figure. If you are going to be respected as an artist, you must have outfits that enhance the performance, not degrade the singer. Trust me. I have a lot of experience in this area.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:07 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok "nice figure" = good but "omg that gig so hott that i don't even listen to what she's singing = very bad." u know i want a response more like "she's very beautiful" and not so much "she has a hot bod i wanna do her." cuz ya know i don't need another jeffo.

    i kidded jelly 1 time when i wuz over there i sed, "ha u know i had a illegitimate baby an' mike an' dee adopted her since mike doesn't know where to stick it in" an' she yelled at me abt my dirty mouth, but she wuz freaked i heard her on the phone while we were all eating dessert talking to mike an' dee an' making them swear on april's life that i wuz lying. that thing about apes' life wuz kinda harsh i think i mean y her life? is it cuz i'm her friend, or cuz she's disposable like kleenex? the extra daughter? actually i would of thought liz would b the extra daughter since no 1 cares abt her except granthony but mayb that's y they couldn't use her, mike would lie if it wuz just liz who got killed. apes, ur family is fucked up.

    gotta go i need more sleep i still have circles under my eyes. jer came over after the gig an' helped me stow the sound equipment in the garage an' then we watched his tapes of that new rome show. wow there's a lot of xxxplicit sexx an' killing an' dirty talk in there!! i think that's y jer likes it. naked boobs ren't so kewl 2 me but there r some hott guyz in that show! i didn't tell jer that. the story is hard 2 follow tho. we kept having 2 rewind it 2 listen again which i think wuz ok with jer cuz he got 2 c all the sexx parts twice.

    ok gotta run mom is screaming cuz i didn't take out the garbage last nite she sed something like "if u can't do ur chores then i'll just let u go live with ur great aunt jackie, her house is a sty!" whatever.

    bye now, becks

    p.s.--howie c u at say 1 o'clock? don't worry i won't laff at the suit i know u need 2 make a good impression i think that's smart. u look super handsome in a suit so look out an' drive 2 the dinner. if we take the bus u would prolly have 20 girls' tongues permanently stuck 2 u by the time we got there.

  • At 10:39 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i totally remember that time u made that joke abt being merrie's real mom. & here's a funny thing u mite not know abt that. after my mom made that call 2 mike, dee was all, "mike, how do i know merrie is really mine?" & mike was like, "well, she came out of u, remember?" & dee blinx & goes "oh. right." lol.

    btw, that wasn't the 1st or last time my mom swore on my life. sometimes my dad yells @ her 4 it, but she just shrugs & says "april is a spare. we already have liz, my mini-me." (liz, can u believe that shizzit?)

    btw, howard, i don't know y we didn't think of this b4, but if u wanna avoid the tonguez, why don't u wear a wedding band, put some baby powder in yr hair (2 mimic the str8-guy mboro aging) & act butch when u r in potentially unsafe sitches? just a thot.


  • At 10:54 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I will pick you up at 1. We are definitely driving to the shopping and the dinner. I had the car cleaned and detailed yesterday, so I would make a good impression. Plus, I do not want to show up at Gerald’s dad’s house with saliva all over me.

    As for the dress, I know exactly what you mean. In case you were unaware of this, you are already very beautiful, no matter what you wear. Anyway, there will definitely be no roadside gig dresses for my bud. We want people to know just how talented you are.

    I haven’t seen the new Rome show, but if there are some hot guys in it, it might be worth a look. In any case, I am glad that you had an opportunity to spend some time with Jeremy. I know he really likes you.

    I have not gotten to really experience April’s home life as you have. I can tell you though, that her grandpa Jim prefers her to any of her siblings. So, there is at least one person in her family who doesn’t think of her as the extra daughter. And of course, I think April is pretty cube too.


    Thanks for the advice about the wedding ring and baby powder and acting butch. I have actually tried those things before. The wedding ring and baby powder are easy. It’s the acting butch that is difficult for me. I will be going on long just fine, scratching my crotch and burping every few minutes, but then I will goof and say something effeminate like “chartreuse” and get a tonguing. Milborough women are really hyper alert to those kinds of things. I think a lot of gay guys have already tried that trick. When Becky and I go shopping, my best protection will be that I am with Becky. They will figure that she has already converted me and claimed me. So, there should be no problem.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 11:25 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    Mom is always sending me, the daughter half of weird mother/daughter outfits. Haven't you noticed? I go along with her otherwise it's tears and a huge guilt trip or worse.

    Mom knows you are Dad's absolute favorite child, so she gets a little pissed sometimes. But you're more than a spare to her, you are her precious little baby April to dress up like a little doll.

    Poor you.

  • At 11:36 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ugh, but u know what, liz? mom luvs that doll so much more than she luvs me. she takes it out @ least 2x/wk. & she brushes its hair & sez, "my luvly, luvly little girl. u will alwayz stay little & 'full of beans'. u will never go thru puberty or talk back or let a boy despoil u. u will always b 'playin'', but not the guitar. u will alwayz cuddle & hug yr mama." then when she seez me, she's all, "oh, hi, real-time aging, flesh-n-blood april."

    yeh, i've seen the outfits mom gets 4 u. lol, remember that time when u were away 4 a while & she made michael wear 1 & a lizzie wig?


  • At 11:41 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My pretty little petunia,

    I think we should rendezvous to watch this "Rome" show and neck post haste.

    Sincerely, your horny gladiator Gerald

  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    OK, well, it's on @ 9 tonite on the movie network. let's record it & watch it after school 2morrow, k?

    c u in an hour!


  • At 3:20 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well i'm posting here frum the dressing room of the "big an' tall whore store." yeah i'm not kidding, that's its name. don't worry i'm not buying nething here since i'm not big or tall but howie couldn't resist getting sum dresses 4 himself. he just tried on a really cute black leather corset with lace trim. it looks really good on him it defines his waist but i told him he really needs 2 get his chest waxed if he wants 2 wear it out an' about.

    ok gotta go he wants me 2 check out how his butt looks in sum leather pants so he can decide what size 2 get.


  • At 4:57 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky and I are nearly done with our shopping, and I thought we would check in with you. I think the day has gone pretty well. Becky was kind enough to let me get a few things for myself. We have pretty much gotten all of her performance outfits. She wants to tell you about them herself, so I won't spoil the surprise.

    She wants to go into another store to find something for a school dance that is coming up. I think she expects Jeremy to ask her to that, but he hasn't done it yet. She wants to have something ready, just in case. After that it is off to dinner at Gerald's dad's.

    Let me tell you, it is astounding to see Becky in some of these outfits. It's like she walks into the dressing room a 14-year-old and walks out in a dress that makes her look like a 21-year-old woman. When I was 14, I would love to have to been able to achieve that effect, but I never could.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 5:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, u guyz shoulda seen dunc & kimmi 2geth. @ horny tim's 2day. u can so tell she likes him, like, a lot. & when he sang 4 her, she almost lost it! but i'll let them speak 4 themselves when they post.

    ger was nervous abt the dinner 4 some reason. he kept saying something abt how his dad's been v. weird l8ly. he keeps leaving open our mid-school yrbook 2 the page becky's on & going, "mm, mm, mm, gerald, mm, mm, mm."

    howard, i m jellus, cuz becks is a lot of fun 2 shop w/!


  • At 6:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    guess what? mike & dee 4got 2 pick up merrie & robin! so they r still here & merrie's got blocks and plastic animals all over my desk. mike was all, "oh, weren't mom & dad gonna bring 'em back?" so mike's on his way over now. he just called from his car 2 complain about how tired he is & how he has big purple bags under his eyez.


  • At 6:55 PM, Anonymous kimmi lasalle said…

    dunc, u were so cute 2day!

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 10:01 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh man i just got back frum dinner at gerald's. it wuz nuts. i have a headache tho so i will let howie tell u the story. ger can't cuz he had 2 go 2 the emergency room. don't worry apes, it's nothing fatal. just another problem with his balls. like i sed, howie will explain.


  • At 1:26 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I am sorry Becky has a headache, but I quite understand why she would have one. When Becky and I arrived at Dr. Forsythe’s house, the good doctor and his wife took me into their dining room and asked Gerald to “entertain Becky while the grown-ups talked business.” Becky seemed a little miffed at being left out, but she went along with Gerald. Within a few minutes, Mrs. Forsythe brought us out plates of food. I asked if I should call Becky for dinner, and Dr. Forsythe said, “Oh, no. Our dinner conversation will bore them. The young people will be much happier dining together, where they can talk about school and their friends.” I saw the sense in that.

    The dinner consisted of a light vegetarian fare – basically a lot of steamed vegetables. Mrs. Forsythe said, "We like to eat healthy here. You always have to watch your figure.” I agreed with her, but I thought to myself, I am definitely going to Tim Hortons with Becky afterwards.

    Dr. Forsythe then pulled out a book and started reading, “What is a surety? A surety is responsible to ensure that the accused attends court as required until the case is over. He or she is also responsible to ensure that the accused abides by the conditions of his release, including any reporting, curfew and non-contact clauses.” And he continued on and on about this subject. I was starting to fade out, when I noticed 4 people walking to the room where Gerald and Becky were having their dinner. I said to Dr. Forsythe, “Who are they?” He looked up from his book and said, “Oh I hired a string quartet tonight. Our Gerald likes ballroom dancing, so after dinner the quartet will provide music for dancing.” I got a little nervous about that, and went to the room where Becky was, and said, “Are you all right in here Becky?” She said yes, so I went back to Dr. Forsythe.

    He started into, “Forfeiture of bail. If the accused breaches his bail conditions, the Crown can go after his surety for the money acknowledged to be owed to the Crown in the recognizance.” I started to fade out again, when I saw a man and woman carrying portable tables into the room where Becky and Gerald were. I said to Dr. Forsythe, “Who are they?” He looked up from his book and said, “Oh I hired some professional massage therapists. After our Gerald does a little ballroom dancing, there is nothing he likes better than a good massage. I got a little nervous about that, and went to the room where Becky was, and said, “Are you all right in here Becky?” She said yes, so I went back to Dr. Forsythe.

    He started into, “Failure to Obey a Court Order. If the accused person fails to appear in court or breaks any other term of the bail order, the accused person may be charged with another criminal offence.” I started to fade out again, when I saw a woman carrying 2 bathing suits into the room where Becky and Gerald were. I said to Dr. Forsythe, “Why is that woman carrying those bathing suits?” He looked up from his book and said, “Oh I expect Gerald and Becky are going to get into the hot tub. After our Gerald has a professional massage, there is nothing he likes better than getting into the hot tub.” I got a little nervous about that, and went to the room where Becky was, and said, “Are you all right in here Becky?” She said yes, so I went back to Dr. Forsythe.

    He started into, “Cash Deposits. In some cases, in addition to the surety's pledge to pay a specified amount of money, the accused will be required to deposit a sum of money to the court.” I started to fade out again, when Mrs. Forsythe brought out possibly the biggest Baked Alaskan that I have ever seen. She said, “Since we were so good at dinner, we can have this nice healthy dessert.” At precisely this moment, I heard a scream from the room where Gerald and Becky were. Gerald came into the room with a portable massage table somehow bent around his exposed private areas. He was being chased by the male masseuse. Mrs. Forsythe screamed when she saw him and threw the Baked Alaskan up in the air and it landed on the same exposed area. Gerald started screaming even more and running around the room even faster. Dr. Forsythe and I grabbed him and started trying to remove the table, when Becky came into the room wearing a bikini, and covered with soapy foam. Gerald took one look at Becky in the bikini and foam and started screaming even louder. Becky saw Gerald and also started screaming. Then the female masseuse and the string quartet came in the room and started screaming. While they were all screaming, Dr. Forsythe, the male masseuse, the string bass player and I managed to get Gerald disentangled from the table just in time for the ambulance to take him to the emergency room. I drove Becky over there and she explained her version of the story.

    Apparently, after ballroom dancing, Gerald and Becky had gotten their massages. Becky’s female masseuse was finished with her massage and so Becky got into the bikini and into the hot tub, which had all that foam stuff in it, like a bubble bath. Gerald had fallen asleep on the massage table, so Becky was sitting in the hot tub waiting for him to wake up. The next thing she knew he was screaming and ran out of the room with the massage table.

    Gerald’s dad surmised that Gerald must have had one of his dreams where he “knocks one out of the park” and that his privates must have somehow pushed against the locking mechanism of the table. We don’t know for sure. Gerald said he was too embarrassed to talk about it in front of us and his parents. After all that, Becky and I passed on going to Tim Hortons, because it was late, and she has school tomorrow. That’s the whole story. Maybe Gerald and Becky can add more details, if they feel up to it.

    Howard Kelpfroth


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