April's Real Blog

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Jailbird pic

Well, Liz posted a comment yesterday abt how she heard thru the grapevine that Mom's nite @ the "cop motel" wasn't cuz she'd been sleeping @ the side of the road, but cuz she'd been weaving around on the road like a stinkin' drunk. Well, this a.m. she was continuing her story abt all this, saying how they did a joke pic of her behind bars & all 2 e-mail 2 Dad, but he was looking at her all, hm, I dunno-like.

And gah, I really don't even want 2 talk abt that so-called d8 last nite that got all ruined (again) this time cuz not only my 'rents, but Gpa Jim, Iris, and Gerald's 'rents all felt the need 2 tag along. Sure, they let us sit in front while they sat in back, but that didn't stop 'em from ruining it. But y'know, I don't ev. want 2 talk abt that rite now, other than 2 say I'm thinking hard abt running away 2 live w/Unk Phil & Auntie Georgia in Montreal. & changing my name 2 Avril.

l8r,

"Avril"

24 Comments:

  • At 9:49 AM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    april, u r not the only 1 whose fri nite was ruined. dunc came by 2 take me out 2 c "four brothers" but, like, 2 minutes after he got there, his mom showed up, grabbed him by the ear, and sed "duncan anderson, u r not going ne-where with that little slut kimmi lasalle!" an' she dragged him away like that while my mom came out from b-hind me an' yelled "no1 calls my kimmi a slut! she only tried 2 impress yr little mack daddy!"

    an' the principal won't even give me my lipstix back!

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

     
  • At 10:41 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Avril,

    A name change can be a good thing to try every now and again. There was a long time when I went by my middle name, in order to avoid association with my past.

    I think I have seen that picture of your mother you described on the internet, except some people had put some humorous captions underneath it. If you google for "navet-nose in the clink", I think you can find the website. The one I remember was "Lock me up before I lecture again!" Check it out.

    I am disappointed that you are not going to let us know what happened on your date. Maybe Gerald is more inclined to talk. Gerald?

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i think liz mighta been the 1 who started sending that pic around the 'net. hopefully she will write in soon.

    ger is over here now & we're talking abt what happed last nite. i think he'll be posting abt it l8r. i'm feeling 2 grumpy abt the whole thing 2 post rite now.

    avril

     
  • At 12:46 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Avril,

    I am looking forward to hearing whatever you or Gerald may post about last night. It would be helpful to me in preparing for Becky's and my dinner at Gerald's house tomorrow night. Does Gerald have any siblings, that might like a small gift or present?

    Also, I am really interested in hearing how things go at the Sam Driver party today. I want to know if Judge Parker shows up. He does not appear in public very often since he got married. I am curious as to whether the rumours are true that he and Sam Driver look just like twins except with different hair color.

    Did you check out the website with your mother's picture? Were there any captions you liked?

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 3:13 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Kimmi, Ill buy u some new lipstix from the $ Ill B making @ 2nites gig. C u 2morrow @ Horny Tims @ 2 pm?

    MC DunC <3 <3 <3

     
  • At 3:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger's massaging my feet while i write this. he sed, "go ahead & write abt it my little sugarplum, & i shall grace yr readers with my repartée on this matter l8r on." so i sed ok & here goes.

    we were sitting way in front & the parent-grandparent goony squad was way in the back, but we cd hear v. v. loud whispering.

    gramps: y isn't he trying 2 hug her? doesn't he know ne-thing abt courtship?

    dad: if he tries 2 go 2 far, dr. p's giving him an operation!

    dr. f.: i told him d8ing a frigid patterson girl wasn't such a great idea!

    elly: frigid? patterson women r not frigid. we, we, we're discerning.

    iris: what's this abt concerning?

    audience: sshhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

    iris: shhh yrselves, rude moviegoers.

    i snuggle up 2 ger, but he sorta pulls away & sez "i don't want my dad 2 hurt me."

    me: he won't hurt u 4 snuggling.

    ger: i dunno, i don't trust him.

    gramps: whoo, lk @ that pretty reese witherspoon! but how can she b a ghost? that doesn't make sense.

    elly: it's just a movie, dad.

    john: movies don't need 2 make "cents", just dollars.

    [laughter]

    ppl in front of them: hey, u got spittle on our necks.

    goonysquad: sorry, sorry, pardon, sorry.

    i try 2 hold hands w/ger & he pulls away. "yr dad's fist is very hard!"

    me: he won't hurt u.

    ger: i don't trust him.

    dr. f.: u know, that becky girl is very nice. what a catch. i hear she's been seeing jeremy jones. what a lucky boy he is.

    elly: jeremy jones is the troubled son of a single mother and an absent harmonica-playing father. his absent father makes him lash out. . . .

    dr. f.: but how lucky he is 2 have becky.

    elly: becky mcguire is a spoiled only child. . . .

    dr. f.: who knows how 2 spoil a boyfriend, if what i hear is true.

    elly: i need more popcorn. more popcorn ne1? just me? i'll b rite back.

    mrs. f.: i never eat popcorn. i don't wanna get fat.


    more l8r. . . .
    ,ptr

     
  • At 4:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry i cut that last 1 short. ger was sucking on my toez & i got this weird tingly feeling that made me typo! then dunc wuz knockin' @ the door, a surpryz since we thot we'd hafta go & get him. but 4 sum reason he was all hot 2 get there early 2 make a supergood impression & make sure we get paid well.

    so we r @ the party & we r alreadE done setting up! u shd see becks, she lks so gorg.

    apes/avril

     
  • At 4:20 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Avril,

    I am so jealous you get to be at the Sam Driver party. His girlfriend has a lot of money, so I am sure it is really fancy. I am glad that Duncan managed to make it out of bed for the party. Be sure to let me know how it goes.

    Thanks,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 5:23 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Friend Howard, since my dulcet darling had to depart for yon party, I shall finish regaling you with the tale of our disappointing date to the movies.

    Finally, after my many protests, and at a particularly romantic portion of the movie, my darling April became inspired. She said to me, "My parents think I'm so untrustworthy?! Well, this will give them something to complain about!" and before I knew it, she grabbed me and kissed me. And it was not just any kiss. It was the most passionate, intense kiss of our entire courtship! Her tongue explored portions of my mouth and larynx that I never knew existed! It was exquisite. I was just beginning to give in to her when she took my hand and placed it upon her breast! I jumped back in surprise, but April said to me, "They think we're so bad--let's give them what they want!" I was, of course, only too happy to play along, and we resumed the embraces of our amour.

    It was then that we heard the screaming from the back row. I will try to transcribe their remarks as faithfully as possible; bear in mind that I was most diverted at that time, and may not have remembered them accurately.

    Grandpa Jim: Woohoo! That's it! Whoa momma! Yee-haw! Striking a blow for straight boys all over Milborough!
    Mrs. P: shrieks, intelligible
    Dr. F: Wow! Looks like they're going where no Patterson girl has gone before!
    Dr. P: Well, if that boy tries to explore south of the Romulan border, he's going to go the way of all red-shirted crewmen!
    Dad: Are you threatening my boy? You know, the Patterson fear of normal, healthy sexual relations speaks of a deep-seated conflict between the id and the ego. Perhaps we should schedule a few sessions?
    Iris: Oh my, look what our little April is doing! I suppose she won't be needing that nice gay boy after all!
    Mrs. P: anguished shrieking
    Mom: Honey, be honest--do these pants make me look fat?
    Grandpa Jim: No, it's your ass that makes you look fat!
    Mom: Well, I never!
    Iris: What, you don't find my husband's frank remarks charming and witty?
    Mom: I find him to be very rude!
    Grandpa Jim: Looks like he's sliding into third!
    Mrs. P: faints
    Dr. P: That's it! I'm going down there!
    Dad: Don't! You'll set their psychosexual development back years!
    Mom: Honey, I've made up my mind--I'm having the liposuction!
    Grandpa Jim: Maybe they can suck the fat out of your head while they're at it!
    Mom: My face is fat too?!
    Iris: Hush dear. If they start talking dirty to each other, I want to be able to hear what they say.
    Dr. P: I'm going down there before Gerald goes down there!
    Dad: Relax! He was just reaching for the tub of popcorn!
    Grandpa Jim: Damn my cataracts!
    Dr. P: (to Dad) Get out of my way! I'm going to put a stop to this!
    Dad: No way! My son's balls need relief!
    Dr. P: That's not my daughter's problem!
    Dad: Not her problem?! It's all her fault! Ever since they started going out, Gerald's testicles have been in a terrible state! If April would just put out like that Becky McGuire girl, my son wouldn't be facing a lifetime of genital dysfunction!
    Dr. P: You're right! This is all Becky's fault!

    It was round about then that they all got thrown out of the theater. Of course, we had to leave then too, because they were our ride. On the way home, my parents gave me the silent treatment. April says that her parents did the same thing. All any of them will say is that they're going to take this situation "in hand." I think it sounds like they're going to do something really perverted, but April assures me that they're going to punish us severely as soon as they can think of something bad enough.

    I'm really worried about that dinner tomorrow night.

    Sincerely, your correspondent Gerald

     
  • At 5:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    we r t8ing a break now fr. playing @ the party & we r having delish mini quiches. u c fr. gerald's post how bad thingz got @ the flix. the only reason ger was able 2 b in my rm 2day is that my 'rents were taking gramps & iris 2 yard sales.

    becky wants us 2 do that jazz song "moody's mood 4 luv" next.

    apes

     
  • At 5:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    "taking a break". man, i think when ger was sucking my toez, he damaged my brainz.

    apes

     
  • At 7:11 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Gerald,

    Thank you for taking the time from sucking on Avril’s toes to finish her story about your date last night. I’m sorry you did not get to see the end of the movie. Your account was very educational for me. I learned a few discussion topics to stay far away from during the course of dinner tomorrow at your place. By the by, do you have any brothers or sisters? Sometimes little ones appreciate a little gift to make dinner parties go a little better. I want to make a good impression with your dad, so he will agree to be my surety.

    I am sure that you are with Avril, Duncan, and Becky at the Sam Driver party now, and I look forward to hearing your account of that party and seeing you at your dad’s place tomorrow night. Was Avril talking about doing “I'm In The Mood For Love” by James Moody? Becky and I worked on that song the other night, but it has some pretty sophisticated instrumentals. I am quite impressed that you guys can do it.

    By the by, if you google for "navet-nose in the clink", you will find a website with an amusing picture of Avril’s mom and a number of humorous captions to go with it.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 7:19 PM, Anonymous kimmi lasalle said…

    dunc, i m on punishment this wkend, but i will sneak out so i can meet u @ 2 2morrow afternoon. cya then!

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

     
  • At 8:26 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Sorry for taking so long to post April. I had quite a few papers to grade and then I had to prepare a new lesson plan. Yulanda didn't bring the tape by until about an hour ago. She was trying not to laugh.

    Before I continue, I have to tell you that I haven't been the one spreading mom's jail picture all over the net. I have it on good authority that Jesse and Jason Fox have something to do with that.

    The tape is grainy black and white. Mom lays down for about 10 minutes and you think she's asleep when all of the sudden she gets up. HOT FLASH! She walks around the room flapping her arms and just about disrobing. She scratches her butt...a great deal as she stands and reads the bulletin board. She gets this wicked look on her face and starts opening cabinets and drawers. She rifles around for awhile, actually taking the time to rearrainge things, and finds Sergeant La Croix's snack of cheese and crackers. After a few moments of contemplation she helps herself to the "mini-bar". Meanwhile she opens up one of the staff books and indulges in some apparently good reading as she sits and chuckles for awhile. Finally over the hot flash she stuffs the notebook in her bag along with a few pens and other office supplies. A little more butt scratching commences before she lays down. Her sleep position is typical for mom. Head back, mouth open, big snore. Yulanda told me that Steve and the other's were glad they didn't have anyone in the facility that night or they might have complained. The sound was deafening they say. I won't bore you, nor give you nightmares regarding what I saw on the tape as I fast forwarded past her sleeping. I will tell you that it wasn't pretty...but no not as bad as you think, and yes funny because I never knew you could see farts.

    When Mom woke up she went to the door and yelled for "Room SEEERRRVICE" (So Yulanda tells me Steve told her). She made all sorts of weird demands. Wanted heated towels so she could freshen up in the showers. Wanted a blueberry muffin with butter and a skim milk latte. They gave her coffee and eyed her warily. She actually left a quarter tip on the pillow before she left.

    The rest is how Steve tells the story: She wanted to call Dad, but the officers were rather fed up with her as she was walking around telling them how the police could be doing a better job and how they should fully prosecute people who litter. Finally they told her they'd take her back to her car. But first they told her they needed to search her. They found the supplies she pilfered. She was kinda sheepish and said they must have fallen in her open bag. Steven and the others were skeptical of course, so they threatened to do a complete cavity search, which may have been terrifying to her but was more so to them, so you know they didn't do it. Instead they threw her behind bars for about an hour. Finally one of them called, "Elly Patterson someone is here to see you." That's when she stood up looking all happy and they snapped the picture. Yulanda says Steve told her that Mom was really, really angry about having her picture taken. Mom wanted to call Dad again, but they told her that instead of pressing charges against her that they would just e-mail Dad explaining that she was all right and what had happened. Finally Steve presented her with a $150 citation for reckless driving and told her, "Consider it a bill for services rendered Mrs. Patterson. Next time you get sticky fingers, don't try stealing from the Police, in their own facilities, where they have cameras!" Mom just thanked them and went on her way.

    And that is the real story of what happened to Mom on the way home. Don't believe any other story, it's just her trying to make herself look loved, perfect and charmed

     
  • At 9:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, liz, that is 1 of the funniest storiez i have ever heard. i knew mom was telling us a "pattersonized" version!

    so i just got back fr. that party. that driver guy really knows how 2 have a gd time! yes, howard, that's the song i meant, & u r rite, it's a tough song 2 do. wd u believe dunc did the male vocal? i nev knew he had such a smooth voice. kimmi, u totally have 2 ask dunc 2 sing this song 2 u, it's cube, esp. 4 such an oldie. becky did the girl part, u know, "what is all this talk abt luvving me, my sweet?/i m not afraid/not ne-more/not like b4/don't u understand me?/now baby pls pull yrself 2gether/do it soon/my soul's on fire/come on & take me/i'll be what u make me/my darlin'/my dear."

    that part was hard 4 becky cuz it's in a high register, which isn't what she's comfy w/. but she sez her lesson w/u really helped & she did a faboo job. god, ger had this look on his face during that part, like he mite fall in luv w/her. but she looked @ him & rolled her eyez.

    i cd go on, but becky asked me 2 let her tell the rest. . . .

    apes

    p.s. ger asked me not 2 change my name 2 avril cuz he's really bad @ french!

     
  • At 9:18 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am glad that the Sam Driver party went well. I wish I could have heard it myself, but I know you guys did great. I don’t know if I can wait for Becky to post the answer to this question. Did you get to meet Judge Parker? Let me know that at least.

    If you can convince Gerald to stay awake in French class instead of doing that other thing he likes to do, then maybe you can change it back to Avril. Avril sounds really cube.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 9:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, there was an old guy who i thot mite be judge parker, but when i asked some1, she sed, "oh, no, that's doc davis, mark trail's friend. i herd judge parker is here, but i haven't seen him." & every1 else i talked 2 had sum other story abt where he was, like resting in 1 of the bedrooms, or out 4 a stroll. a diff. story fr. ea person. it was weird.

    apes

     
  • At 9:33 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well there's really not 2 much else 2 tell abt the party xcept that every1 played an' sang awesome. it almost made me wish i wuz back in 4evah again but i know that's not the best thing 4 me, so instead i hope we can play more gigs 2gether in the future. apes is rite dunc has an amazing voice. mayb he should b the new lead singer of 4evah?

    as 4 gerald looking at me funny well u know apes don't take it 2 personally i have noticed that even tho ger is wild 4 u that he still spends a lot of time looking at every other girl in school. prolly cuz his balls r in such an uproar all the time. i think that's all it wuz. the spotlite wuz on me an' ger couldn't help looking. don't worry ne1 can tell that u r his fave.

    well that sam driver person told me he'd pay me $500 4 the party an' i wuz gonna divide it $200 4 4evah, $50 2 my roadie jeremy, an' keep the rest. but that gloria sanchez girl who just got out of prison came over 2 me at intermission an' wanted 2 talk. well she wuz 3 sheets 2 the wind an' she tells me, she goes, "if u ask sam 4 ur money in frunt of that rich bitch abbey spencer, she'll prolly insist on giving u way more, she's always showing off her buxx." then gloria went on 2 tell me that she's been in love with sam 4 years an' years an' that it's all that abbey spencer's fault that they're not 2gether. well i didn't want 2 get in the middle of some love triangle i learned my lesson about getting involved in personal lives at my gigs frum the whole mary worth fiasco. but i did make sure 2 ask sam abt payment in frunt of abbey an' sure enuff, abbey goes, "$500, is that all u were going 2 pay this nice girl? sam, that's virtually slave labor!" then she whipped out her purse (fendi, not fake) an' takes out this giant wad of $100s an' peels off a bunch. then she stuffs the big fat wad back in her purse the stuff she took off it hardly made a dent. "here," she goes, "$2000 is a bargain price 4 such fine entertainment!!" i was totally buggin'. i ran off an' found apes rite away. so i paid each member of 4evah $200 an' i gave jeremy $200 since he's sometimes done roadie jobs 4 me 4 free an' he also comes over 2 help me work on my equipment (i know that sounds dirty but i mean it in the real music way).

    i m gonna put the $1200 i kept in2 better sound equipment an' also mayb some nice dresses 2 wear onstage. howie, u can help me with that. also i will prolly pay 4 some advertising materials so i can get my name out there. mayb it looks greedy 4 me 2 keep that much of the money but i did get the gig lined up an' i have 2 reinvest in the business. jeremy sez that's the only smart way 2 do it. he is reading business books at nite an' wants 2 b my manager.

    ok so that's the big story of the nite. i m a little disturbed 2 hear that my name got thrown around at the movie theatre last nite especially since it sounds like every1 thinks i'm like so roadside that i'm practically a guardrail or something. i m real nervous abt this dinner 2morrow.

    becks

     
  • At 9:49 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that was so awesum when u gave us all $200, becks! don't worry, i'm not freaked abt ger starin' @ u. every guy in the place was givin u "the look" when u did that piece. it's just what happens sumtymz with certain songs. when i had that solo u asked me 2 do, i even thot i saw jeremy lookin' @ me like he didn't h8 me, which almost nev. happs!

    yeah, w/the gr'ups talkin' abt u the way they were last nite? i don't know what their damage is, but they obvs. don't know u for real.

    hope 2morrow goes well 4 u.

    apes

     
  • At 10:16 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Oh, man. Kimmi, my 'rents took the $200 I got 4 the gig 4 my lawyers bill. I dont have enuf $ for lipstix 2morrow but I have enuf from my 1/2 allowance 4 coffee an' Tim Balls. Ill sing 2 u. C u 2morrow.

    p.s. Beckers, dont worry I havent heard ne1 say u r a guardrail.

    p.p.s. Apes, u might want 2 ask Ger 2 meet u @ Horny Tims 2morrow 2 'cos my dad says the choo-choo playdate is off 'cos yr 'rents r babysitting 4 Mike an' Dee.

     
  • At 10:22 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I am so proud of my bud doing so well at the Sam Driver party. I knew you would be a hit. We are definitely going to have to do some shopping. I know all about getting the right kind of dress that looks good, shows off your body, but still lets you breathe and move around the stage. If you like, we can go shopping before dinner tomorrow. Let me know.

    I am sorry you didn’t get to meet Judge Parker. He could have given you some leads into some pretty fancy parties. Did you at least get to meet Abby Spencer’s adopted daughters, Neddy and Sophie? They hang with the young, rich crowd and might be able to recommend you to some of their friends, where you wouldn’t have to play as much of the old stuff and maybe more of your own compositions.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 11:39 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i didn't meet neddy or sophie. abbey promised me sum referrals tho.

    ok all nite i have been getting hang up calls with lots of breathing on the other end i hope it's not u ger cuz if it is u will be eating ur own teeth 4 breakfast.

    becks

     
  • At 1:20 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I have been getting hang up calls for a couple of days now. The caller ID usually says it's Rhetta's number or your mom's number. What does the caller ID say for yours? Hopefully not Rhetta.

    By the by, are we on for shopping before the dinner with Gerald's dad?

    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 2:43 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    we don't have caller id mom is 2 cheep 2 pay 4 it. if we did i would know if it wuz ger or not. it's on r house phone if it wuz on my cell i have caller id on that.

    i think i will call the phone company an' ask if they can tell me who it is. ger if i find out it's u i will kick ur nuts up in2 ur stomach that's a promise not a threat.

    we r totally on 4 shopping but i don't think i want 2 get dresses that really show off my body like u sed. i m just so tired of being called a roadside gig mayb we should buy me a nun's outfit 4 me 2 wear onstage.

    nite, becks

     

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