April's Real Blog

Monday, September 19, 2005

Ma, Don't Be Pimping Liz!

So, Mom's still going on & on abt her version of what happened w/her nite @ motel del policia (I still think what Liz told us in her comments to this blog R the real deal). & so she tells us abt what seemz like a totally pointless convo reviewing the fact that she'd spent the nite @ the police station. It was late, nowhere else around 2 stay the nite, blahblahblahblahblah, like recap yrself much? When she told the male cop that she was on her way back fr. Mtighoohahananananana 2 C Liz, she pulled out the gihugic pic of Liz that she carriez around w/her alwayz. & I guess that pic musta made a big impression, cuz Liz is pretty sure she saw an "Otter County" cruise car trolling around with a cop who was kinda staring @ her. Which made her a little nervous.

Anyway, it's a new school week, & we've got a big test coming up in math class this Friday. Ew, yuck. And Gerald is missing school again today, with yet another injury 2 his boy parts, this time fr. getting them stuck in a massage table. WTG, Ger. He called me from his hospital rm 2 say he's not that badly injured & shd B back in school Wednesday. I'm supposta drop his homework off @ the hospital.

Apes out

posted by April Patterson @ 7:56 AM  

21 Comments:

  • At 8:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I've been a little quiet lately because I've been working three jobs to pay off my debt to Gordon. Since I'm assembling a good track record with payments, he lowered my interest rate to prime +16%, which is his "friends and family" rate. I bag groceries at the Food King, I'm the sanitation engineer at the Roadside, and I do a little book-keeping at Lilliputs once a week (which is a whole nother story. You wouln't believe the stuff your mom insists are business expenses. Or maybe you would).

    So I'm keeping busy. Which is good because my mom's driving me nuts. I think she's hypoglycemic, because ever time she gets some more Lik-M-Aid she's like a crazy woman for six hours.

    Anyway, the point of this is I was kind of shocked to find out your mom was handing out Liz's picture all over town. She gave me one some months back, a very pretty color 8X10 of Liz printed on photo paper. The back had a baby photo, Liz's vitals (right down to bra size! Not bad, Liz!) a dental X-ray showing that her teeth were in good condition, partial college transcript, and blood test results. I thought she was doing that just so I'd have some cool mementos.

    But I got curious because I saw her in the parking lot of the Food King one day. This black Crevasse had just pulled up and a nicely-dressed professional looking guy got out -- he hurried into the store to pick up a birthday cake -- and I saw your Mom put something on his windshield right after he went into the store. I though it was the new add for Lilliputs -- there was a $400 bill for color printing that week -- and was curious about the flyer. Well it was Liz's picture! In red magic marker she'd written "I think you're boss! Get me on the horn, hep cat, and maybe we can be circled 4-evah."

    Anyway, I've since found out that she slips them into Elly-approved volumes being bought at Lilliputs (if you're a single man buying Da Vinci Code or Bon Appetit or Atlas Shrugged she puts one in, but if you're getting Bridget Jones or an A.N. Roquelare book forget it). She's also left a few at the churches. Oh, and it appeared in the alternative weekly, with a personals ad in the "Out and About" section which I think Elly thought meant "not living in Milborough" so Liz might get some strange phone calls.

    To tell the truth, I'm a bit upset at this. I thought Elly gave me that pic because I was her "special little guy." Guess I'm just one of a hundred or so...

     

  • At 8:18 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, anthony, liz is gonna b soooooo pissed when she finds out abt this! thanx 4 letting us know. i m sure liz will give mom a piece of her mind.

    apes

     

  • At 8:55 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, liz, mayB u shd let ma think u & yulanda r an item so she'll have her mini-heart attack & then back off. but i agree warren is hott! i'd so call him if i were u.

    it's weird that mom shd give yr pic 2 some1 who resembles eric, after what u went thru w/him. then again, if mom had any sensitivity @ all, she wdn't be pimping yr pic after the summer u just had. whatta wench!

    apes

     

  • At 9:33 AM, Blogger howard said…

    AnthDad2FranMilboro,

    Your story explains that strange thing that happened to me when I was shopping at Lilliputs to buy a copy of Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code” on the way to work this morning. I had heard so much about the book, that I wanted to read what all the fuss was about.

    I went into Lilliputs and started looking around for the book in the Fiction section by the last name of the author but couldn’t find it. An older lady came up and asked if I needed help. I turned to look and saw it was Moira Kinney, the lady I had met once before when I was out to dinner with Kortney Krelbutz, some weeks ago. She said, “Oh, it’s you, Kortney’s boyfriend. I suppose you are still happy with those trains Kortney let you steal from the front show case.” I was taken aback and said, “Ma’am. I have no idea what you are talking about. I dated Kortney for only about a week, and she never had me steal any trains.” Moira looked a little surprised by that, but then said, “So you weren’t Kortney’s boyfriend last year?” I said I wasn’t and that I had only met Kortney last month for the first time. She said, “My apologies. May I help you look for something?” I told her the book for which I was looking and she smiled and said, “Oh that book is in a special display over here.”

    We passed by some shelves labeled with Paul's Picks, Rosemary's Reads, April's Faves and came to 2 shelves. One was labeled Iris’ Disgusting Choices which had a selection of bodice rippers, copies of Bridget Jones Diary and a number of A.N. Roquelare books. The other was labeled Lovely Liz’s Preferred Picks for Single Men. On this shelf were the Da Vinci Code, and other books like Atlas Shrugged and Angels and Demons (also by Dan Brown). So I took the book to the checkout counter and there was my old girlfriend Beatrice Alfarero. Moira said to Bea, “Please check out this nice young unattached single man, Beatrice.” Bea took a look at me and gasped, but recovered enough to take my money. She said, “If you are single and unattached, the owner wants me to put a flyer in that book. Are you single and unattached?” I said I was. So she handed me the flyer, which was the picture that you described of Elizabeth, and as she did her fingers lingered ever so slightly on mine. I thanked her for the picture and was looking at it as I headed toward the door.

    As I was about to reach the door, it opened and in popped Elly Patterson, carrying a muffin and a latte. She said, “Oh, good morning Becky’s nice music teacher.” I responded with good morning. Then she turned around, started running toward me and tackled me right across the mid-section knocking me to the floor, spilling latte across my legs and smearing muffin into my hair. She shrieked, “That’s not for you!” and tore the picture from my hand. Then she started rifling through her purse and gave me a picture of Elizabeth nuzzling a cat. She said, “Take this instead and be sure to come again for another fine shopping experience at Lilliputs.” She got up and went over to Bea and said, “Those pictures are for single men only, not women.” Bea looked really confused as Elly lectured her about how men do not have the very, very tight hair bun that I obviously have.

    After reading your post, what happened makes a lot more sense.

    Thanks,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 10:02 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, howard, did u happen 2 notice that mom's bun is just a little bit titer these days? she is trying so hard 2 make hers as tite as yrs!

    mom didn't want 2 let iris do that display, but gramps begged & begged & she finally gave in. when mom wasn't looking i sneaked in the story of o, venus in furs, and justine, or the misfortunes of virtue.

    apes

     

  • At 10:06 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, ok, now i know y mom was looking over a list of books with yr name @ the top & going, "no, no, nope. no, no, i don't think so. no, this won't do @ all", & scratching out 1 title aft. another. i luv how u threw in some titles abt psycho moms. lol.

    thanx 4 the warning abt mom's mood. i will try 2 find an excuse 2 extend my visit w/ger @ the hospital.

    apes

     

  • At 10:59 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I honestly did not notice your mother’s bun. After she tackled me, her hair had fallen loose, and was actually fairly attractive. I wonder if she would let me put her hair into some braids or plaits.

    When you visit Gerald in the hospital, please tell him I am so sorry that my dinner at his dad’s house last night ended so poorly for him. If he is still in the hospital, I may go visit after work.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 11:04 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, ger sez he'll b in the hospital overnite & prolly b released around noon 2morrow. then he's supposta rest @ home thru wed morning.

    apes

     

  • At 11:11 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    That's good news. Your boyfriend has been through so much lately, I am glad that he will have the time to recover. Given the nature of his injury, I would recommend that you avoid doing anything that might provoke that spot on his body. Do you have any ugly, baggy clothing you can wear?

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, liz, i almost threw up when i looked @ that! wanna know something bizarro, even by mom standards? yesterday, she came running up 2 me & was all, "oh, merrie & i just came back fr. the mall & picked out the cutest outfit 4 u"! then she reaches in2 a baby gap shopping bag & pulls out this outfit in a size 5T. & she holds it up 2 me while i look @ her w/a total wtf face. & then she's all sneery & "oh, rite, i guess u r 2 much of a 'big girl' 4 this outfit now. i guess i'll just have 2 put it aside 4 when merrie's a little older." & she stormed off muttering abt all the "stinkin' growin' up".

    where did we put those couponz 4 therapy?

    apes

     

  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, howard, i missed yr post. yes, i have some very uggo, baggy clothes my mom bought @ a yard sale for 50 cents a piece. i cd change in2 them b4 i go 2 the hospital.

    apes

     

  • At 11:57 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, yeah, it wd serv her rite if i squeezed in2 that lil outfit. she's lucky i'm not readE 2 let the world be my gyno.

    apes

     

  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I guess I was a little “modest an' demure” describing everything that happened with your boyfriend Gerald. My bud Becky’s account is a little more factual than mine. Since I know you care for Gerald a lot, I didn’t want to shock you too much. Please be kind to him and wear something really ugly, when you go see him.

    I was reading “The Da Vinci Code” over my lunch break and I got really confused how this would be a book your mother would ascribe to Elizabeth. The lead character is an aging American man and his love interest is a French woman who is quite a bit younger than he is. I could not help but to make the connection between Anthony and his wife. However, the French woman is portrayed in a positive light in the book, so I got confused.

    Anyway, the most upsetting part of the book was that one of the greatest gays in history, Leonardo da Vinci, was described as being interested in preserving worship of the “sacred feminine.” A gay guy interested in goddess worship? It was a little insulting. I will try to ignore that flaw, and enjoy the book as a murder mystery, although the secret twist villain is already pretty obvious.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 1:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, believe it or not, there were 2 fugly brown tops. the 1 @ the farm was fr. my grandma patterson & i had 2 wear it when she visited. the other fugly top fr. the shopping trip was sumthin' iris knitted. mom made me wear that cuz we were stopping by the seniors' palace on the way home. but u know what? i don't think wearing either 1 wd help ger, cuz when he sees me wearing thos hiddy thingz, he act. sez, "mm, apes, yr rack lks like delicious brownies that i must touch and taste!"

    i think i'll wear a big baggy sack dress mom bought 4 me & an ugly straw hat. hopefully that'll work, but ger tends 2 like how i lk in the weirdy-weirdest thingz.

    2 bad ger missed that lesson in bio on the male reproductive system. on second thot, mayB it's a gd thing he did.

    wow, i can't b'lieve all that happened last nite. & gah, what a freak dr. f. is. worse than i thot!

    howard, i think my mom recs that bk just cuz she heard it was "intellectual" or sumthin'. i don't think she's read it herself. she prefers browsing the cookbooks. then getting me 2 make thingz.

    apes

     

  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 filling it those deets, becks, i was wondering what was going on all that time while u 2 were off in another rm. i don't know y ger thinx i'm h8ing on him when i alwayz have a gd time w/him when he's just his normal self, like not trying 2 hard 2 b like rico suave or sooper-horndog, or, ew, patterson-punny. but i guess i just need 2 talk 2 him myself abt all this.

    i'm so glad we got 2 do yoga in p.e. today. i m sooooo relaxed now.

    l8r,

    apes

     

  • At 5:46 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I read your sister Elizabeth’s post and was amused by imagining how your mother would react to a marriage between Elizabeth and me. “I thought you said that you didn’t like women!”

    Anyway, to the point of this post. I ran into your grandpa Jim this afternoon. He was raving about what a good time he and Iris had chaperoning your date last Friday. He said it was a lot better than the last time he got thrown out of a place, and then regaled me with a story about when he and one of his fellow apartment residents Bert Wiggins did Elvis impressions during a Karaoke night at the local pub.

    Both Iris and Jim were impressed with the moves you put on Gerald. Your grandpa Jim said, “Can't expect April to have all the social graces at her age - these things take time to learn. Heck, some people my age haven't even mastered them. As soon as she learns to feel up her boy without attracting too much attention, she'll be all set.”

    Apparently your grandpa Jim told your mother that he would like to chaperone all your movie dates and he is planning to purchase a pair of night vision goggles. Iris says that night goggles are too expensive for their fixed income, and that a listening device would be a lot more practical with their vision problems. I know you are probably horrified as you read this, but I thought it was best you know as soon as possible.

    Sorry,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 6:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, that is soooo awesum! soundz like being away fr. m-boro has given u major spine growth. now i understand what was going on when i got home fr. visiting ger @ the hospital. mom was on the phone all "milborough gazette? i must speak to someone in advertising! i have 2 cancel my full-page liz advert!"

    i took all that advice abt wearing sumthing uggo. i had a hiddy sack dress made of burlap & a big ol' straw hat. but ger still thot i looked hot & he was all grabbing his crotch & ow ow ow! so the nurses made me drop off the assignments & leave.

    omg howard! if gramps thinx he's coming along on even 1 more movie d8, he's in a special deludo-world of his own. & if he gets ma 2 agree i am never going on another movie d8 until i move out or gramps diez, whichever is 1st, no joke.

    apes

     

  • At 7:14 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I guess that explains why when I went to visit Gerald after work, I was turned away. They said that he was not taking visitors. I thought the ugly clothes would work, but I guess I should never underestimate the effect of an attractive teenage girl on a teenage boy.

    I am home now. I have been having a terrible craving for Baked Alaskan all day. I went to the grocery to buy the ingredients. I have not made it before, so it will be an experiment. If you or Becky are interested in trying it too, come on over.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 7:49 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, howard, but i have loads of h'work. boo hiss!

    apes

     

  • At 8:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hllo pritty tulp an frends, i doing gd aftr hosptil hiome an cumfy bedd. drugs mak gerald feal gooooooood penis al buttr. i sleep now morfeen is th bom.

     

  • At 10:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Apes, can I borrow yr Rome tape so Kimmi an' I can watch it? I couldnt find Rome on r dish an' my dad said it was 'cos he didnt buy r dish from Gordo an' my mom told my dad 2 shut up abt Gordo's dishes.

     

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