And then. . . . Mom was home
I told my dad abt how Becky's mom's getting implants 2day w/her alimony $. & Dad tried 2 force some lame Patterson joke using "support" checques vs. "support" fr. a bra, but I must say I tune him out when he makes jokes that have NEthing 2 do w/boobs. Cuz, ew, Dad. So I'm doing my little "la la la" song in my head at the kitchen table when Ma strolls in as usual & Dad & I look @ each other wondering what 2day's installment will B. & she's actually up 2 the part where she got home & I sicced the dogs on her. "Enthusiastic reception", my rear. Actually this was Dad's idea. He wanted 2 get her back for e-mailing that hiddy jail pic. He sed he'd been looking at sum luvly, luvly train pics on the 'puter, when all of a sudden he had that show up & it just killed his enthusiasm. Or sumthin'. I don't even wanna think abt it, peeps. So Dad was like, "Elly, we know this part, Y R U reviewing this?" She looked @ him blankly & sed "I'm putting it all in context, John. Context. U never appreciate these subtleties. Now, make sure U buy more danishes, muffins, donuts, bagels, scones, tarts, tortes, pies, Napoleans, beaver tails, and beignets on yr way home fr. the clinic 2day!"
NEway, it's finally Friday, but I can't even go out w/Gerald 2nite cuz he's in the hospital in his catatonic state fr. taking 2 much Prozac. I talked 2 his mom this morning & she sez they think he'll B like that 4 most of the wkend, tho he's showing signs of improvement. His Dad doesn't want me 2 visit, but his Mom sez I can stop by rite after school & stay 4 abt 15 min. or so & Dr. Forsythe will nev. know.
Gotta go,
Apes
NEway, it's finally Friday, but I can't even go out w/Gerald 2nite cuz he's in the hospital in his catatonic state fr. taking 2 much Prozac. I talked 2 his mom this morning & she sez they think he'll B like that 4 most of the wkend, tho he's showing signs of improvement. His Dad doesn't want me 2 visit, but his Mom sez I can stop by rite after school & stay 4 abt 15 min. or so & Dr. Forsythe will nev. know.
Gotta go,
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:00 AM
6 Comments:
At 8:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear kids,
I know you are all anxious to hear about my son Gerald's medical condition. I am pleased to tell you that he has improved somewhat. His catatonia has partially remitted. He is now blinking his eyes and moving his limbs, albeit very, very slowly. He still remains alogic (unable to speak) and his affect is flat (meaning he has no feelings), but he is able to understand what we are saying to him. He is also taking semi-solid foods such as Jell-O and his mother's special Mashed Nanners.
Gerald's psychiatrist, Dr. Krazenfutz, has explained that the pharmacy made a mistake when filling Gerald's prescription. Dr. Schlanger had prescribed 100 mg of Prozac daily, which is a high dose, but still perfectly safe. However, the pharmacist who filled the prescription misread it and gave him 1000 mg instead. I have already consulted a lawyer about this matter. Apparently, the offending pharmacist, one Deanna Patterson, has quite a history of making mistakes such as this one. We will be pursuing legal action, but my lawyer says that the licensing board has always let Ms. Patterson off with a mere slap on the wrist in the past.
I know that you are all probably very concerned about how all of this will affect Gerald's already troubled psychosexual development. The experts disagree on this issue. I am cautiously optimistic. Dr. Krazenfutz, however, says he wants Gerald to attend therapy three times per week until we are sure that his sexuality is not affected. Dr. Schlanger strongly disagrees. He says he doesn't understand how falling into a catatonic state has anything to do with Gerald's penile function or psyche. Naturally, one cannot expect a mere urologist to understand the nuances of the fragile human ego.
I know you kids are all probably quite concerned about me posting on this blog. I am aware of its existence only because I monitor Gerald's internet usage closely to make sure he is viewing the appropriate amount and type of pornography for a boy with a normal libido. (One must be watchful for paraphilias, as they develop around this age.) Rest assured that I understand the importance of boundaries in the parent/child relationship. I have deliberately avoided reading any of the posts on this blog. Actually, I did try to read a little of today's entry, but I just don't understand how you kids type these days.
Yours truly,
Aloysius Emile Delaney-Forsythe, Ph.D.
Child Psychologist Extraordinaire
At 10:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, Apes! Kimmis grounded 'cos Luggie busted her 4 lifting sum lipstix from the evrything 4 a loonie store. Her mom says its my fault 'cos Im a perv whos been in trouble b4 an' says that Kimmi cant c me NEmore but her mom cant stop us. I think Kimmi an' I will B even more 2gether now 'cos weve got even more interests in common like wanting 2 sue Luggie.
BTW, did u no yr mom is coming ovr 2 my place this aft 4 another Bajan cooking lesson an' my dad is going to yr place 2 work on yr dads Halloween choo-choo display? Want 2 meet me @ Horny Tims after school? Ill bring my ipod so u can check out sum new tracks that Ive laid down an' mayB u will want 2 spoil yr appetite b4 u go home.
L8r.
At 11:54 AM,
April Patterson said…
omigah, becks, i can't believe yr mom is using child support $ 4 the new boobs! i bet yr dad is not gonna b happy abt that!
when the dogz knocked over mom that was 2 effin' funny! u shd have seen her glasses go flyin' off her face. lol!
wtf dee? were u spacing out when u filled that rx? or was it 1 of those D moments where u fig u know better than the doc & that what ger needed was a bit xtra libido killing? y do i think that soundz like sumthin' D mite do?
i m glad 2 hear ger is doing better. i'm also glad that dr. f disagrees w/dr. perv abt sumthin' cuz mayB there's a chance he will change docs.
neway, dunc, i m totally gonna meet u @ horny tim's. it's perfect cuz it's just a block away fr. the hospital. i'm gonna stop there rite after school but then i shd b @ horny tim's like 20 min. l8r. u r so rite 2 wanna b outta the house when our dads work on that holiday choo-choo display. u know how they get.
man, i can't believe that abt kimmi & her mom. if only her mom cd get 2 know u, she'd know this wasn't yr fault.
apes
At 12:31 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, there was @ least 1 ad that mom 4got 2 cancel. it ran in the hi-school paper. it sed "if you have an older brother (age 24-35) who is single, respectable, well-to-do, and looking to pair off, then i have the gal for him!" & the rest was the usual stuff fr. all her other adz. it ran 1x b4 i knew abt it, & i got the paper 2 pull the reprints.
yeh, i know mom totally thinx of ger & me as bein' engaged 2 be engaged. but i m only 14! how do i know what the future has 4 me? freakin' mboro!
becks, that soundz like a drag w/yr aunt jackie & her friendz. i hope yr mom planz 2 make this up 2 u somehow. i m glad yr mom didn't use the child support 4 the boobs, but i c what u mean abt using it all up 4 the bills now. soundz like yr mom is acting like she won a lottery.
i m glad that howard doesn't blame u abt jail. i know u were trying 2 help & not cause trub. grownups r so weird sumtymz (dr. f!). @ least yr dad, unk ralph, & auntie mark r there 2 look out 4 him.
apes
At 2:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
yuk, so not only m i grounded, but my mom an' dad have the neighbours watching 2 make sure i don't climb out my window again! i can't believe this. i m like a total prisoner. it's so unfair! :(
kiMMi <3 <3 <3
At 8:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
so i went 2 the hospital rite after school just like i planned & i was sitting w/gerald telling him abt the math test we had 2day. man, was that hard, but i think i did ok. i figured just telling him abt my day cd help & he had this lk on his face like he was interested in what i was saying. i started 2 tell him abt p.e. class. pilates again. but mrs. f. came running in, tossing her diet soda & rice cakes on2 a side table & grabbing me, yanking me out of my seat.
"mrs. forsythe! what r u doing!"
"u have 2 go!"
"but i've only been here 5 minutes!"
"yes, & dr. forsythe is early so u have to go, go, go! he can't c u here! he thinx i'm keeping u out!"
she practically threw me out! i can't believe how dr. f. blamez me 4 gerald's trubs. so unfair, peeps!
so i was really glad 2 c dunc was alreadE @ horny tim's when i got there. we kinda bonded ov. being h8ed by parents of our squeezes. (well, i dunno if dunc & kimmi r officially bf/gf or what, but u know what i mean.)
then 2 help cut the tension we both were feeling abt all that, dunc did these scary-accurate imitations of john & elly patterson. u shd ask him 2 do them 4 u next time u see him, u will pee yr pants laughing!
oh, & after my mom's l8est cooking lesson w/dunc's mom, she was all jazzed abt cooking a special dinner. again. and she screwed it up. again. dad & i ordered indian food this time. yummy.
apes
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