April's Real Blog

Friday, September 23, 2005

And then. . . . Mom was home

I told my dad abt how Becky's mom's getting implants 2day w/her alimony $. & Dad tried 2 force some lame Patterson joke using "support" checques vs. "support" fr. a bra, but I must say I tune him out when he makes jokes that have NEthing 2 do w/boobs. Cuz, ew, Dad. So I'm doing my little "la la la" song in my head at the kitchen table when Ma strolls in as usual & Dad & I look @ each other wondering what 2day's installment will B. & she's actually up 2 the part where she got home & I sicced the dogs on her. "Enthusiastic reception", my rear. Actually this was Dad's idea. He wanted 2 get her back for e-mailing that hiddy jail pic. He sed he'd been looking at sum luvly, luvly train pics on the 'puter, when all of a sudden he had that show up & it just killed his enthusiasm. Or sumthin'. I don't even wanna think abt it, peeps. So Dad was like, "Elly, we know this part, Y R U reviewing this?" She looked @ him blankly & sed "I'm putting it all in context, John. Context. U never appreciate these subtleties. Now, make sure U buy more danishes, muffins, donuts, bagels, scones, tarts, tortes, pies, Napoleans, beaver tails, and beignets on yr way home fr. the clinic 2day!"

NEway, it's finally Friday, but I can't even go out w/Gerald 2nite cuz he's in the hospital in his catatonic state fr. taking 2 much Prozac. I talked 2 his mom this morning & she sez they think he'll B like that 4 most of the wkend, tho he's showing signs of improvement. His Dad doesn't want me 2 visit, but his Mom sez I can stop by rite after school & stay 4 abt 15 min. or so & Dr. Forsythe will nev. know.

Gotta go,



  • At 8:39 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hey apes well i'm at aunt jackie's house. she lives in buffalo which is a way lame city btw. i wuz gonna sleep in cuz no school rite? well i totally couldn't aunt jackie lives in a mobile home with only 1 bedrm an' so i had 2 sleep w/ her an' she snores like a 747 at takeoff. so i got up an' m posting frum my phone. turns out that the boggle tourny doesn't start til noon. aunt jackie is just like mom she drinks all nite an' sleeps til noon. guess it's genetic. well mom has been better l8ly i guess. not feeling 2 charitable 2 her since she is spending all that money on new boobs an' i know she's totally paying all the bills frum my child support so ne new clothes other then my uni i have 2 buy myself. mom is all like "u have a job now! u can support urself!" whatever.

    glad 2 hear ger is doing better i don't like him much but i don't want him dead or nething. an' of course i don't want apes 2 have the trauma of her bf biting the green weenie. well i gotta say i hope they only cut his prozac back a little cuz i wuz just starting 2 like him what with how mellow he wuz. apes u prolly like it 2 what with him not being so horny an' all. an' i think it's prolly what he needs 2 keep his dick from getting mangled so often. i hope this dr. schlanger knows what he's doing.

    ok gotta run. aunt jackie just rolled over an' barfed in the wastebasket, then passed out again. good thing i have experience cleaning that kind of thing up.

    bye, becks

  • At 8:59 AM, Anonymous dr. aloysius forsythe said…

    Dear kids,

    I know you are all anxious to hear about my son Gerald's medical condition. I am pleased to tell you that he has improved somewhat. His catatonia has partially remitted. He is now blinking his eyes and moving his limbs, albeit very, very slowly. He still remains alogic (unable to speak) and his affect is flat (meaning he has no feelings), but he is able to understand what we are saying to him. He is also taking semi-solid foods such as Jell-O and his mother's special Mashed Nanners.

    Gerald's psychiatrist, Dr. Krazenfutz, has explained that the pharmacy made a mistake when filling Gerald's prescription. Dr. Schlanger had prescribed 100 mg of Prozac daily, which is a high dose, but still perfectly safe. However, the pharmacist who filled the prescription misread it and gave him 1000 mg instead. I have already consulted a lawyer about this matter. Apparently, the offending pharmacist, one Deanna Patterson, has quite a history of making mistakes such as this one. We will be pursuing legal action, but my lawyer says that the licensing board has always let Ms. Patterson off with a mere slap on the wrist in the past.

    I know that you are all probably very concerned about how all of this will affect Gerald's already troubled psychosexual development. The experts disagree on this issue. I am cautiously optimistic. Dr. Krazenfutz, however, says he wants Gerald to attend therapy three times per week until we are sure that his sexuality is not affected. Dr. Schlanger strongly disagrees. He says he doesn't understand how falling into a catatonic state has anything to do with Gerald's penile function or psyche. Naturally, one cannot expect a mere urologist to understand the nuances of the fragile human ego.

    I know you kids are all probably quite concerned about me posting on this blog. I am aware of its existence only because I monitor Gerald's internet usage closely to make sure he is viewing the appropriate amount and type of pornography for a boy with a normal libido. (One must be watchful for paraphilias, as they develop around this age.) Rest assured that I understand the importance of boundaries in the parent/child relationship. I have deliberately avoided reading any of the posts on this blog. Actually, I did try to read a little of today's entry, but I just don't understand how you kids type these days.

    Yours truly,
    Aloysius Emile Delaney-Forsythe, Ph.D.
    Child Psychologist Extraordinaire

  • At 9:41 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well i feel bad 4 poor ger yet another victim of dee patterson malpractice.

    apes i totally 4got 2 tell u--what u did 2 ur mom wuz EXCELLENT!!! super genius! i can't blieve u had the nerve! 2 bad the dogs didn't kill her.


  • At 10:54 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes! Kimmis grounded 'cos Luggie busted her 4 lifting sum lipstix from the evrything 4 a loonie store. Her mom says its my fault 'cos Im a perv whos been in trouble b4 an' says that Kimmi cant c me NEmore but her mom cant stop us. I think Kimmi an' I will B even more 2gether now 'cos weve got even more interests in common like wanting 2 sue Luggie.

    BTW, did u no yr mom is coming ovr 2 my place this aft 4 another Bajan cooking lesson an' my dad is going to yr place 2 work on yr dads Halloween choo-choo display? Want 2 meet me @ Horny Tims after school? Ill bring my ipod so u can check out sum new tracks that Ive laid down an' mayB u will want 2 spoil yr appetite b4 u go home.


  • At 11:54 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigah, becks, i can't believe yr mom is using child support $ 4 the new boobs! i bet yr dad is not gonna b happy abt that!

    when the dogz knocked over mom that was 2 effin' funny! u shd have seen her glasses go flyin' off her face. lol!

    wtf dee? were u spacing out when u filled that rx? or was it 1 of those D moments where u fig u know better than the doc & that what ger needed was a bit xtra libido killing? y do i think that soundz like sumthin' D mite do?

    i m glad 2 hear ger is doing better. i'm also glad that dr. f disagrees w/dr. perv abt sumthin' cuz mayB there's a chance he will change docs.

    neway, dunc, i m totally gonna meet u @ horny tim's. it's perfect cuz it's just a block away fr. the hospital. i'm gonna stop there rite after school but then i shd b @ horny tim's like 20 min. l8r. u r so rite 2 wanna b outta the house when our dads work on that holiday choo-choo display. u know how they get.

    man, i can't believe that abt kimmi & her mom. if only her mom cd get 2 know u, she'd know this wasn't yr fault.


  • At 12:08 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    Yulanda and I were going through my overloaded e-mail a lot of them were stupid pick up lines from guys in M-bro I used to know and a few I went to college with. Others were really perverted and some old guy wants to hire me to nurse him all better. I then noticed this one:

    Lovely Liz. I long to lick you lucious lips. I ache to aquire you affection. I yearn to yank you you know what. Ahhh Lovely Liz lemme lemme.

    From EPMDMEMLYOUSS@something.com.

    It creeped us out bad. Worse, it reminds me of a love poem Mike wrote for Dee once.

    Officer Moresel (as Yulanda calls him) has been spotted all over Mitg. People haven't talked to him though so I don't know what his intentions are. Otherwise, there haven't been any other repercussions from Mom's matchmaking attempts. I yelled at her again about the billboard and she swore it's been taken down. So, if you see any other averts, lemme know.

    And I hope Ger is ok April. Mom is planning for you to marry him you know.

  • At 12:18 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok aunt jacks still isn't awake an' all her boggle pals r showing up early 2 help put out the chex mix an' stuff. wtf m i supposed 2 do?? i don't know how 2 talk 2 old hags!

    wow that is sum messed up shite abt ger isn't it? i bet u r totally rite abt dee doing it on purpose. i bet when she saw the scrip she thought "oh that's april's bf an' prozac can totally kill the libido in high doses...elly is worried abt them going "all the way"..." an' decided 2 do her a solid. she prolly thought just adding a zero would look more accidental. sheesh.

    i gotta go check on aunt jacks an' make sure she's still breathing. not 2 long ago she wuz moaning an' groaning in her sleep something like "oh thorvald, mmm, yes, that's the right spot, oh yes, yes yes, wait 4 me cuz here i come!" but now she's just laying there all still an' she looks kinda gray.


  • At 12:25 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg now howie just called me with his 1 phone call. he couldn't talk long an' i wasted most of it apologizing cuz it's my fault he's in the slam. he sed not 2 worry tho cuz he's sharing a cell with dad. uncle ralph an' aunt mark r their neighbors i guess they got sum days tacked on 4 bad behavior but they cleaned up their act. i guess they were fighting a lot 4 a while an' almost decided 2 get a divorce but then they agreed that they could "see other peeps" while they were in jail an' it's going better 4 them now.

    i don't think howie's mad at me but i feel super guilty.

    well aunt jacks just woke up an' started bitching at me she wuz all like "y don't u have the boggle game set up yet?" an' "where is my bottle of black velvet?" the game starts soon so i will have 2 stop posting.

    oh apes mom didn't use child support 4 the boobs she used alimony but since she used all the alimony she is using child support 2 pay lots of the bills which suxx but i guess is kinda legal.

    ok bye now! becks

  • At 12:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, there was @ least 1 ad that mom 4got 2 cancel. it ran in the hi-school paper. it sed "if you have an older brother (age 24-35) who is single, respectable, well-to-do, and looking to pair off, then i have the gal for him!" & the rest was the usual stuff fr. all her other adz. it ran 1x b4 i knew abt it, & i got the paper 2 pull the reprints.

    yeh, i know mom totally thinx of ger & me as bein' engaged 2 be engaged. but i m only 14! how do i know what the future has 4 me? freakin' mboro!

    becks, that soundz like a drag w/yr aunt jackie & her friendz. i hope yr mom planz 2 make this up 2 u somehow. i m glad yr mom didn't use the child support 4 the boobs, but i c what u mean abt using it all up 4 the bills now. soundz like yr mom is acting like she won a lottery.

    i m glad that howard doesn't blame u abt jail. i know u were trying 2 help & not cause trub. grownups r so weird sumtymz (dr. f!). @ least yr dad, unk ralph, & auntie mark r there 2 look out 4 him.


  • At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    yuk, so not only m i grounded, but my mom an' dad have the neighbours watching 2 make sure i don't climb out my window again! i can't believe this. i m like a total prisoner. it's so unfair! :(

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 8:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so i went 2 the hospital rite after school just like i planned & i was sitting w/gerald telling him abt the math test we had 2day. man, was that hard, but i think i did ok. i figured just telling him abt my day cd help & he had this lk on his face like he was interested in what i was saying. i started 2 tell him abt p.e. class. pilates again. but mrs. f. came running in, tossing her diet soda & rice cakes on2 a side table & grabbing me, yanking me out of my seat.

    "mrs. forsythe! what r u doing!"

    "u have 2 go!"

    "but i've only been here 5 minutes!"

    "yes, & dr. forsythe is early so u have to go, go, go! he can't c u here! he thinx i'm keeping u out!"

    she practically threw me out! i can't believe how dr. f. blamez me 4 gerald's trubs. so unfair, peeps!

    so i was really glad 2 c dunc was alreadE @ horny tim's when i got there. we kinda bonded ov. being h8ed by parents of our squeezes. (well, i dunno if dunc & kimmi r officially bf/gf or what, but u know what i mean.)

    then 2 help cut the tension we both were feeling abt all that, dunc did these scary-accurate imitations of john & elly patterson. u shd ask him 2 do them 4 u next time u see him, u will pee yr pants laughing!

    oh, & after my mom's l8est cooking lesson w/dunc's mom, she was all jazzed abt cooking a special dinner. again. and she screwed it up. again. dad & i ordered indian food this time. yummy.



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