April's Real Blog

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Constable Paul Wright?

So my mom's still talkin' abt her time w/those Otter County cops, but she oughta B done soon, since she's up 2 the part where she was abt 2 leave. That guy-cop gave the Liz pic back 2 Ma & asked if she was engaged. What a weird question! Ma tells him no & that she thinx it'll B a few more yrs B4 she meets Mr. Right. Sez she noticed as she sed this that they were passing an office door with "Constable Paul Wright" on it & she just luvved this cuz it was soooo punny. Right. Wright. My family = freaks.

Mom's been trying 2 cancel all those personals ads she's been posting online & in papers, but it's like trying 2 stick a genie back in2 a bottle. Liz already has 2 change her phone # & sez she mite hafta abandon her e-mail acct & just start a new 1. This is all v. v. embarrassing 4 her!

Ger was so anxious 2 see me this morning, he actually met me @ my door & walked me 2 the bus. He didn't wanna let go of my hand & kept tellin' me ov. & ov. that no matter what his dad sez or does, I'm the 1 he's crazee abt, not Becks. & he reminded me that Becks can't stand him NEway.

NEway, I mite not B able 2 post much 2day, cuz Ma got me in2 sum "student leader" thing that meets all day. Ew.




  • At 8:35 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    April that was part of the fight Mom and I had. She kept saying. I know I'll help you find Mr. Right. I know it. Mr. Right is out there for you. Mr. Right Mr. Right Mr. Right. Little did I know she meant Mr. Wright.

    People spotted that Otter County Patrol car again. ARGH

    I have a new email Liz. I'll txt it to you.

  • At 8:35 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Ok I am out of it. I am adressing myself these days. April! New E-mail coming to you Txt Message.

  • At 9:21 AM, Blogger howard said…


    When the nice policeman said "engaged" he might have meant "Is Elizabeth engrossed or absorbed in her work?" When people ask if I am engaged, that's usually what they mean, except for single Milborough girls of course, who usually ask the question with their tongues out. Have fun with your student leader thing. You are so mature, I think you will be a great leader.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    sorry i didn't post last nite i didn't get back frum the workshop til almost midnite. i wish i had sum good stories but it was way lame. first the moms helped the daughters with their homework which wuz both a "team building exercise" an' cuz they sed we wouldn't get out of there til late which wuz a major bad sign. it sucked cuz mom didn't know ne of the answers an' she kept bitching that it wuzn't her job 2 make sure i wuz getting a good education it wuz the school's job. of course that got us singled out by the encounter leader an' she kept saying stuff like "there's no i in team" an' all that lame stuff on the posters in the locker rooms in the gym.

    well then we had 2 do this game it's hard 2 explain where there were 4 mom an' daughter pairs on each team an' we had 2 do this thing where we were all stranded on one island that wuz like a big wood box an' we had 2 get every1 across 2 another island using only this dumb board they gave us that wuzn't long enuff. i hope that makes sense 2 u. well, the first thing my mom sez is, "if this is a survival thing we should leave the kids behind u know like they did in ancient times when they couldn't afford 2 feed babies they left them out on a hill or a glacier 2 die." omfg. yes she really sed that. needless 2 say the encounter leader kept us after class 4 like 5 hours 2 lecture mom on her bad attitude. i fell asleep in the corner.

    hey liz at least now it's "mr right" who's stalking you! that's progress.


  • At 10:11 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, peeps, that student leadership thinger was gonna b way lame, but i got out of it. they herded a buncha kidz fr. all ov. ontario in2 the auditorium & did a big roll call & stuff & discovered they'd sumhow over-enrolled. they were all apologetic & asked if ne1 fr. mboro was willing 2 bow out since kidz fr. other schools wd hafta b here till their buses were readE 2 take 'em back @ the end of the day. so i raised my hand & i was outta there!

    becks, i can't believe yr mom sed that. hey, i know my mom's effed up in her own spesh way, but lemme know if u wanna camp out @ our place 2nite, 2 b away fr. yr mom.

    liz, i got yr text. thanx. i promise i will not share yr new e-mail w/mom. she cannot be trusted!

    gotta go,


  • At 10:22 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    thanx 4 the offer, apes, but i prefer my mom 2 ur mom. at least she leaves me alone 4 more than 5 minutes without nagging me. bet u wish u cld say that, rite?


  • At 11:07 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, gd point, becks. 2 bad we each have our own brand of crazee 2 deal with. mayB we should both camp out @ dunc's place.


  • At 11:47 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Your encounter workshop sounds interesting, particularly that part about being stranded on an island. It reminded me of the time my parents accidentally stranded me on Thousand Islands in Lake Ontario. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a board like you did. If you guys want, you can always camp out at my place, if Duncan’s is not available.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:35 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    I feel so bad for u, Liz. U might want to consider moving to British Columbia or Nunavut, bcause my cousin Juliet swore she saw a billboard along Rte. 17 outside Ottawa w/ur picture an' what ur interests are an' a web address. Crazy!!

    An' Gerald looks closer 2 normal, even though he's walking with a limp. Right now he must b really embarrassed bcause b/t 2nd an' 3rd periods I walked past his locker (since that's on my way 2 geometry) an' there was this shipping box from Amazon, an' an economy-sized bottle of this next to it. Gordie Durroucher, whose locker is next 2 Gerald's, asked what that was 4, an' Gerald said "uh....Dr. Schlanger prescribed this 4 me." An' then Gordie burst out laughing. NEway, I thought u'd be better off having advance notice about that Apes...lol.

  • At 12:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, howard, we mite just take u up on that sumtym, if we can sneak out of our houses.

    we did cardio-pilates in p.e. 2day. it was a pretty gd workout. 2 bad ger & dunc thot they had 2 make fart noises during the stretching. foobers!


    p.s. omg, vicks, my bf is freeeeekeee!

  • At 4:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey becks, i was just @ my gramps's place, & it lks like we cd have another gig soon. while i was there, gramps got a call from his friend robert freeman. he's got a bunch of rellies from new orleans staying w/him & his grandsons & they wanna have sum entertainment 2 take their minds off the crowding & displacement & stuff. gramps told him abt the party we just played this past weekend, & it soundz like mr. freeman is def. interested in booking us!

    howard stopped in while i was there & iris tried 2 get him 2 do chores around the house 4 her again. she's all, "coward, i think u will have 2 detail the cracks around the stove b/c of the havarti accident" & he got this lk on his face--4 just 1 second--like, "i am so screwed--again". but i am sick of how my g'rents r exploiting him, so i was like, "iris that's not true & u know it! howard is a custodian here, he's not yr personal maid!" she looked like she was gonna yell @ me, but gramps shot her a look like "don't u effing try it w/my fave g'child, u skank!" or sumthin' like that, lol!

    when howard was on a break, he did sum really cute braidz in my hair 4 me. thanx, howard! i m home now w/ger. we're sitting @ the kitchen table reviewing our math 4 friday's test. we've got a big pic of my mom on display 2 keep him from gettin exciting, iykwim.


  • At 4:27 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Thanks so much for interceding on my behalf with Iris. That was really nice of you. It was also fun working with your hair again, this time without having to undo the braids from Dixie getting into it.

    The Robert Freeman party should be fun. He has a reputation for being a little eccentric, but not in a bad way. You forgot to mention to Becky that one of the States cable networks is doing a reality TV show on the Freemans. It is supposed to air on October 2. Maybe I can see you and Becky on TV, if they show the party.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 4:43 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    apes, i dunno. i need 2 know more info b4 i can agree 2 book this gig. how would the billing b done? also is it a real party, or just like us going over an' doing a impromptu kinda sing-a-long, or what? i only want 2 book class parties cuz i m trying 2 build a rep. also do we get paid? or r we supposed 2 do this as a charity thing?

    ok here's the bottom line. i have 2 b the 1 2 meet w/ mr. freeman if i m 2 b involved. the only way i m gonna do this gig is if it's an actual party with good production values, not just sitting around on the back lawn with a guitar. an' the billing has 2 b "becky mcguire with a special appearance by 4evah." an' actually i prolly would only want 2 do it as a charity gig cuz u know they won't b able 2 pay much neway an' it would look awesome 2 have a charity gig 4 katrina victims on my rez cuz it's what all the big stars do. saying i just played at some crummy backyard campout of refugees for $20 doesn't cut it, klass wize.

    we can negotiate on exactly what the billing sez if u want, but i would feel better if it wuz me an' jer who handle the biz end of this deal since i m the one with all the experience in that area.


  • At 4:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, becks, i just forwarded an e-mail i got fr. mr. freeman. it shd be in yr inbox now. i will leave it up 2 u whether u want 2 deal w/him. i haven't met him, but gramps agreez w/howard, that he's "a little eccentric" (gramps did those air quotes).


  • At 9:58 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I have not been able to post for awhile. When I got home from work, there were a bunch of messages from Rhetta Blum. Apparently Rhetta heard that I was trying to replace her as my surety and she was not happy about it. I haven’t officially gotten a commitment from Gerald’s dad yet, so I can’t afford to have Rhetta drop me. When I talked to Gerald’s dad tonight, he said he was still trying to arrange a professional sex therapist for Gerald, and wouldn’t be able to take on being my surety until he was sure that Gerald had his psychosexual problems taken care of. I talked to my lawyer, who informed me that if Rhetta applies to the judge to be relieved of being my surety, then I have to return to custody until Gerald’s dad is ready. Then I can reapply for release. Anyway, I have been on the telephone with Rhetta trying to convince her not to drop me. I think I was successful, but we’ll see.

    I read through your posts, and I am a little surprised by your reaction to April’s grandpa getting you the Robert Freeman party. Hello! Wake up, sleepy head! TV time on a States Nationwide cable network. I know it is reality TV, but they have pop stars on those things all the time pushing their music. Negotiate a guarantee of at least 2 minutes of air time and you mentioned by name on-air verbally and with a caption, and then don’t get petty about the money for the party. National TV time of you performing can make your career. Becky, this could be your big break. I am so excited that they offered it to you. You should be kissing April’s grandpa’s feet, if they weren’t so nasty. I have seen him with his shoes off. It is not a pretty sight.

    I understand you and Jeremy want to handle the business end of this yourself, but if you are feeling overwhelmed I can recommend the agent I used back when I used to sing in nightclubs. I haven’t used her in awhile, since I decided to go to opera full time, but I am sure that she is still in the business. Let me know.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:11 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    god howie r u on the rag? u were real pissy in that post.

    ok the reason i didn't get all xxcited rite off abt the tv thing is that i heard abt it frum u, not apes, who actually talked 2 the guy who talked 2 mr. freeman. i wld kill 2 get on the tube no question but i m not going 2 get all worked up abt it til i talk 2 mr. freeman. an' neway, tube or no tube, the stuff i mentioned is still important. actually more important if we get on the tube so mayb u can understand y i want 2 get it rite? bsides i wuzn't talking abt grubbing 4 money, xxactly the opposite.

    dang howie u r my bud but mayb u r just all wound up abt rhetta giving u crap cuz u r coming off like 1 pissy bitch 2 nite. u know i can b more sympathetic if u don't unload on me.

    ok not sure if u really deserve this favor but i called dr. forsythe an' asked him what the holdup wuz an' when he sed he wuz 2 worried abt gerald's penis 2 think abt surety stuff i sed, "let me focus ur attention, doc. if u become howard's surety pronto, i will give gerald handjobs every day for the whole time u r the surety." dr. f immediately agreed 2 file papers 2morrow morning. problem solved.

    of course i m lying about the handjobs but i talked to gerald about it an' he's kewl with going along. u know ever since he started the prozac he is really ez 2 get along with.


  • At 10:15 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friends and my chaste angel April,

    I just wanted to check in with you all to assure you that I am fine. My penis and I have never felt so calm, in fact. I spent three hours this evening in deep meditation, contemplating the nature of the universe. I see now that my sexual urges were not just damaging my genitals, but also my entire spiritual well-being. I believe that doing this favor for Howard will allow me to rebalance my karma.

    April my love, I hope you will be content to merely neck for the foreseeable future.

    Sincerely and restrainedly yours, Gerald

  • At 10:41 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Problem solved? Have you gone crazy? You and I both met that nutcase Dr. Schlanger. He will want to personally verify that your hand technique is done properly so he can offer critique, and he will want to measure Gerald’s sperm count after each job and then keep metrics on your performance. He measured Gerald’s sperm count 2 times right in front of us at the hospital with that freakishly long needle. I nearly fainted when I saw it. Dr. Schlanger and Dr. Forsythe are not just going to take your word and Gerald’s that you did it.

    Plus, you do not need to give Gerald’s dad any idea that you would even do a thing like for Gerald. He is already trying to break Gerald and April up, and he doesn’t need any encouragement. What’s April going to think when she calls up Gerald’s house and his dad says, “Oh he can’t come to the phone right now. His girlfriend Becky is giving him a hand job.”

    In addition, you do not need a story like this to get out, even if it isn’t true. I heard all about how you had to deal with people talking about you and that Jeff guy at the beginning of the year, and then there was the business with Gerald, the bikini and the Baked Alaska that just happened. I don’t want people to say bad things about you any more. You’re my bud, and it breaks my heart to hear anyone talk about you that way. I want to help my bud so bad, but no matter how strong I am, I can’t stop people from talking. I would rather be in prison than to do that to you again.

    Please, please, please call Dr. Forsythe and say you were just kidding.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:52 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    sorry, no can do. ger an' i talked an' we have all the bases covered. he will handle dr. schlanger an' i already handled his dad. basically i told him that if the court heard abt our deal he would prolly wind up in the slam himself cuz of the teen sex deal an' of course my dad is waiting there 2 make his stay a "pleasant" 1. he sed he wuz willing 2 do nething 2 help ger.

    ger isn't gonna talk. like i sed, prozac makes him super ezgoing. in fact when i went over 2 his house 2 pretend 2 give him the 1st handjob 2nite, ger stared at the ceiling of his bedroom 4 like 45 minutes without talking even 1ce.

    u can thank me later.

    nite, becks

  • At 11:03 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am so sad now I can barely type. Blackmailing Dr. Forsythe? Please tell me you were joking. I don’t want this for you.


  • At 11:16 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    what's the problem? i don't get it. i talked 2 my dad about the sitch 2nite when he got his weekly phone call, an' this is what he sed 2 do. my dad is clever. he's had lots of sureties b4 so he has lots of experience 2. an' my dad only wants the best 4 me, an' he knows i only want the best 4 u, so i m sure it will all work out ok.

    i hope we r still buds cuz i m doing this all 4 u an' trust me spending this much time with ger is not much fun, even if his dick isn't malfunctioning.


  • At 11:18 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friends,

    Howard seemed so cross about our plan to help him that I told my father that I didn't really feel like having any handjobs, thank you very much, and that I told Becky she was released from her obligation. Dad said he'd call you to talk about what that means for your surety situation, Howard. He didn't seem upset or anything, but he did seem a little concerned.

    Yours in tranquil reflection, Gerald

  • At 11:44 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I cannot tell you how relieved I was when I got your post. Thank you for releasing Becky from that obligation. If there is anything I can do for you, please don’t hesitate to ask.


    We will always be buds, no matter what happens. I haven’t said this in awhile, but I need you to know that I love you and I only want the best for you. I am so happy to know that there is someone like who would be willing to do these things for me. Thank you.

    I know your dad is clever, and he has lots of experience with sureties, but I disagree with his advice. I haven’t told you a lot about my past, but I can tell you from my own experience that blackmail and hand jobs, even fake ones, are not the way to go. I paid a heavy price for doing that kind of stuff, and I would voluntarily go to prison for life than to let that stuff happen to you. You have your whole life ahead of you, with TV appearances and fabulous music in your future. I see a life of happiness and beauty for my bud.

    Your bud forever,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:08 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    yeah howie i m sorry we fought. ur rite it will look terrible if i win canadian idol an' then it comes out in the tabs that i used 2 give handjobs 2 my best friend's bf so my gay "brother" could get out of jail after he wuz arrested 4 "going after" the sister of my best friend. a career can't come back frum that. well, i think j.lo's career prolly could, but i don't want that kind of press, yo.

    luv ya! becks

  • At 12:24 AM, Blogger howard said…


    J.Lo. You're funny. It's late and you have school tomorrow. Go to sleep bud.



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