April's Real Blog

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Listening to Mom Makes Silence Sound Good, Too!

Dad & I were eating our breakfast & talking abt The Kids in the Hall. We just got our season-3 DVD's yesterday, yay! So Mom shuffles in2 the room, pours her coffee, & loads up her plate with muffins, scones, waffles, & danishes. Dad lks @ me & rolls his eyez. Then Ma sits down & she gets that look she has when she's abt 2 tell 1 of her stories. Dad kinda sighs & sez, "Lemme guess, El. U're gonna tell us sum more abt yr trip home." She smiles all britely & sez, "Y, yes! U C, on the way home, after I had that luvly nite's sleep @ the police station in Otter County*, I was listening 2 the radio & switching fr. bad music 2 bad talk 2 more bad music 2 ads 2 more bad talk. So finally I turned off the radio & had 1 of those moments of profound Elly clarity." Dad shoots me another 1 of his looks & I have 2 bite my cheek 2 keep fr. laughing. "It dawned on me that wilderness radio alwayz makes silence sound good!" & she looked @ us like she'd just imparted sum super wisdom on us. I sed, "But Ma, Y didn't U just give Liz's CD's another chance? U gave 'em like 3 seconds B4 U gave up on 'em the 1st time, right? How do U know there's nothing in there U like?" Mom just shook her head & said I missed the whole point of today's installment but she def. had more 4 us 2morrow. Dad sez, "Ooh scintillating." Then when Ma's reloading her coffee mug, he whispers, "MayB she'll tell us whether she saw NE moose on the way home. Or NE quaint highway signs or adorable hicks selling stuff by the road." Mom's all "What?" & Dad's like, "Oh, I was just telling April I can't wait 4 2 morrow's lesson", & Ma got that smug look she gets all the time.

I mentioned in my comments that Robert Freeman wants us 2 play @ his house 2 entertain the NOLA rellies, but I didn't really have deets yet. I got e-mail from his grandson Huey. It turns out that if we do it, we'll B featured on that new reality show their fam's gonna B doing on cable. He sez the network wd pay us, but he wasn't sure how much. Becky, I forwarded the e-mail 2 U & told him U're the 1 who's handling the biz end.

Mom wants me 2 help @ the store after school 2day. Alwayz such a joy (roll eyes).



*The other OC, yo!


  • At 9:05 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Sorry to break from your topic of discussion but I just got a call from my lawyer. Apparently, Rhetta Blum went to the court this morning and applied in writing to the court to be relieved of her surety duties. He said the court has issued an order for my arrest. He is going to contact Gerald’s dad, Dr. Forsythe to see if he is ready to take over being my surety.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:10 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's terrible, howard! i had no idea rhetta was so spiteful! i guess she doesn't like feeling all "scorned" & stuff. hey, mike, did rhetta lash out @ u when u dumped her 2 get engaged 2 dee?


  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    Dear Howard and my virginal angel April,

    I will speak to my father forthwith about him taking over your surety duties with all due speed.

    Sincerely and chastely yours, Gerald

  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hey peeps i spoke 2 mr freeman an' man is he a grouch! first thing he sez is "ur a perky little white girl ren't u?" i go, "well yeah" an' he sez "i don't like that kind of music and i figure ur going 2 want 2 wear all kinds of skanky clothes and simulate sex with the microphone stand and whatnot." my jaw just kind of dropped an' i go "well i try 2 perform the kinds of music that the audience wants" an' he goes "u know ne snoop dawg?" like it wuz a challenge. i go "i have listen 2 his songs but a perky little white girl is gonna look dumb trying 2 rap them" an' he laffed. then he asked me if i knew ne billie holliday songs. i do know 1 "when a woman loves a man" cuz gramma dorcas used 2 sing it when she would get drunk an' clean the house. well i sang it 4 him an' he wuz impressed he sed "i'm surprised a dippy little white girl knows billie holliday" an' i got mad an' sed "well i'm surprised a grouchy old man like u knows quality when he hears it" an' he laffed again an' asked me if we could do the gig next week. he wants billie holliday an' aretha franklin i think bcuz he thinks it will b funny or something. i booked the gig 4 next weekend cuz i'm not gonna b in mboro this weekend. i hope that's ok it doesn't give us a lot of time 4 u guyz 2 learn 2 play all new instruments. well i bet ger can do it tho since he went on prozak he has amazing focus. he already has his term paper on the punic wars done an' it's not even due til november 1!!

    well like i sed i won't b around all weekend actually starting 2morrow. mom got her big check frum dad 4 back alimony an' she decided 2 use it 2 get boob implants. yuk i know. neway, she goes under the knife 2morrow morning so she's sending me 2 great aunt jackie's house 2nite so i won't b in school 2morrow. she doesn't have a puter an' she told me she is having a 3 day boggle tournament at her house an' i'm expected 2 play. so i have a feeling i m gonna b busy all weekend.

    gotta go, bio u know


  • At 1:53 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    p.s.--that tard gerald his phone died so i loaned him mine an' he 4got 2 log me out b4 he posted. sorry.

  • At 3:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i don't think we will have a prob getting readE 4 that gig. that robt freeman guy soundz a lil kookie! o, & dunc sez he got an e-mail fr. huey saying that his bro riley found some "MC DunC" rap mp3's online & they mite ask dunc 2 do sum raps. then he sez huey was all, "p.s. don't tell gramps", so i dunno what-all that's abt.

    ger u r alreadE done w/that paper? will u help me research mine?


  • At 4:25 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg apes u will not believe what just happened! we were in bio an' ger fell over rite out of his seat! we all thought he wuz dead but the teach held her compact mirror under his nose an' it fogged up so she goes an' sends jenny fetazzio 4 the nurse. well u know ol' "fatassio" is teacher's pet but the fattest kid in school so it took like 15 minutes 4 her 2 come back with nurse horbreth. When the nurse saw ger laying there on the floor she started to kinda freak she wuz like "oh no my poor friend ger i wuz rite! his package must have exploded an' killed him! damn that april patterson!" an' then get this nurse horbreth scoops ger up in her arms an' cradles him like a baby as she carries him 2 the nurse's office! well i wuzn't gonna miss that so i followed an' told her he wuz still breathing so she called dr. f an' dr. schlanger an' they came 2 get him in dr. schlanger's private ambulance which is--get this--a converted hearse!! so they loaded ger in2 the hearse an' totally peeled rubber when they left the parking lot with sirens an' everything. dr. schlanger sed not 2 worry an' then he sed 2 b especially sure 2 relay that message 2 "gerald's auxiliary girlfriend april." wtf? that guy is cracked.

    neway, i don't really think it wuz his package ger hasn't been acting rite since he started taking all that prozac.


  • At 5:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so my mom let me go 2 the hospital after school but said i had 2 come 2 the store afterwards.

    i had a hard time getting in 2 c ger, since i'm not family, but then dr. f. saw me & was all, "auxiliary gf april! what a nice surprise!" tried telling him i'm not the "aux gf" but he brushed me off & sed, "yes, yes, let's not quibble, that's not important rite now", as he pushed me toward's ger's rm. ger's got tubes stickin' out & he's awake & all, but just sort of staring in2 the distance. the docs say he's in a "catatonic state". fr. counting the pillz in his bottle, they can tell he's been taking twice the dosage he's supposed 2. dr. f., of course, blamez me. "miss patterson, he was obviously trying 2 maximize the libido-suppressing effects of his medication. 2 please u. which is strange, since i m sure that nice primary gf becky mcguire would b happy 2 service my gerald". augggghhh!

    they let me sit w/ger 4 abt a half hr, but then they sed it was time 2 go, no exceptions, young lady!

    so i went 2 mom's store & she was getting beatrice to reshelve all the books according 2 some weird scheme. "don't divide them by subject or genre. divide them by mood and subdivide them by the astrological sign of the author." i'm all wtf & u can tell that beatrice is thinking that 2 but is 2 nice 2 say. i was like, "mom, how 'bout u take a nice starbucks break & mayB i can write up a survey 4 the customers 2 c if they like yr idea 2 reorganise the bks." ma's taken aback 4 a sec, but then, "oh. that's a gd idea, oops child. i'll c u in abt 25 minutes." & out she goes. "omg, april, thank u so much", beatrice sez. then moira comes out fr. behind the "april's faves" shelf & she's all, "yr mom is psycho." & i'm like, "tell me sumthin' i don't alreadE know!"

    so we did the survey till closing & every1 hated ma's idea, no surprise there. ma's all "mboro isn't readE 4 my brilliance." sure, yeah, that's it, eh?


  • At 5:50 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Sorry to hear Gerald is not well. I hope he gets better.

    I am going to jail in a few minutes. Gerald’s dad, Dr. Forsythe is pretty sure he does not want to be my surety. Apparently he believes that “anyone who resorts to blackmail schemes involving innocent 14-year-old girls and my son deserves jail time.” My lawyer is looking into the local Milborough Bail Program, but they may not want to take me on, due to the highly political nature of my situation. Come visit me if you can.

    Howard Kelpfroth


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