April's Real Blog

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Please let this be over soon, Mom!

Erg. So, as promised, I got back brite & early from sleeping ov. @ Becky's house last nite, cuz Mom didn't want me 2 miss a second of her story. When I got in, Dad was sitting @ the kitchen table rubbing his eyes & he sed, "April, MayB we can make a run 4 it! How does breakfast @ Tim Horton's sound?" "Great, but I don't wanna get in trouble." "Don't worry, I'll leave yr mom a note. She'll have 2 know it was my idea." So Dad wrote a note as fast as he cd & we were outta there, in the Bushwacker. (BTW, that whole part of his October letter where he goez on & on abt how rite Mom was abt the CrevASSe & how it's comfy, practical, blahblahblah? Dad sez Mom totally wrote that in herself. Cuz, y'know, she needs 2 show the world how right she is abt everything.) Well, just as soon as had we sat our butts down @ Horny Tim's, Mom was there. She's all, "Oh, good, I'm just in time, U w8 here while I get some brekky." So that of course meanz she shows up with a plate piled high & deep w/donuts. And skim milk in her coffee, natch. Then she sits, inhalez her first five donuts, gets the smug look going on that face of hers, and resumes her story abt the longest pow wow evah. This time about the hoop dancers and the fancy dancers. Jingle dresses. Hand-made moccasins. An eagle feather dropped stops the dancin' cuz it honours a dead elder or veteran. Hey, Liz, during this pow wow thingger, did Mom sit there takin' notes? WTF?

So, if U read Liz's comment that she left last nite, on my post about the October letters, U know that Mom wrote abt 90% of Lizzie's letter (the Shiimsa bit @ the end is the real deal). @ this rate, I don't know Y my mom even bothers pretending the letters R "from" us @ all. But notice how she luvs 2 slip in the Elly praise, like that bit abt the CrevASSe I mentioned alreadE. She totally wants 2 control the impression U all have abt our fam & abt how we must, like, totally worship my saintly mom. But NEway, Liz, abt Mom's going around referring 2 U as her "real daughter", I barely notice NEmore. It's like part of the background noize. Tho I wish Ger's dad wd stop thinking I'm Gerald's "auxiliary gf". That bugz me more than NEthing Mom sez or does.

So, in more xciting news, 2nite is our big performance @ the Freemans'party & our TV début on their reality-TV show. Our rehearsal last nite totally rawked & I can hardly w8!

Apes out

P.S. I finished writing this post about an hour ago, but Blogger 8 it! Thanx, Blogger. :(


  • At 9:13 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Yeah Apes, Mom was really making a nuisance out of herself at the pow-wow. There are aspects of it that well lets just say non-natives should bow out and leave alone, but Mom was right there in the thick of things. Yes, taking notes and snapping pictures like she was preparing for some National Geographic artical. I told her several times that the wasn't a performance for entertainment. They were not putting on "a show" and she said, "Don't be ridiculous Liz, of course they are". The Mitgs put up with her really well, they have a lot of patience, but seriously I do think they gave her a tapeworm or something.

    Mom loved bannock. Bannock with anything...Currants, raisins, mashed potatoes, onions, sugar, but not chocolate chips. Chocolate chips in bannock is just bleh!

    I hope Mom drops the Mitg stories, but I have a feeling this could go on for weeks and weeks. I'm sorry April.

  • At 9:23 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok apes time 2 focus. we r starting 2 practice at 9 am in my garage so get ur butt over here!!! no time 4 posting 2day!


  • At 10:02 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I won’t be able to join you and Becky for your rehearsal. Becky’s mother, Krystle called me this morning from a phone number I did not recognize, but I presume is her new boyfriend’s from the Milborough Board of Health. She asked me to take the morning shift at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. I am there now, if you need me. I am guessing Krystle never made it home last night. Becky was supposed to call me if that happened, but I guess her brain is too occupied with you guys’ television debut at the Robert Freeman party. Anyway, I am glad you were able to stay overnight with her. I had a good visit with my parents last night, catching up on all the family gossip I missed over the years. Of course, I didn’t actually miss it, since my uncle Melville and aunt Winnie have kept me up-to-date, but it was interesting to hear my parents’ perspective.

    The story your mother was telling you at Tim Hortons reminds me of when Gary and Vivian Crane were touring Kortney and me through the Mtigwakian pow-wow grounds and describing the types of dances that went on there. Gary was saying, “The dancing goes on for hours, clockwise around the central arbor.” Vivian corrected, “You mean arbour.” Gary said, “That’s what I said.” Then he continued, “It begins with the grass dancers. These young people wear outfits made of rich colored fabrics and long flowing yarn.” Vivian corrected, “You mean coloured fabrics.” Gary said, “That’s what I said.” Then he continued, “Their job is to press down the grass to make way for the other dancers.”

    Then an old man came up behind us and said, “Heh…and they think crop circles are made by aliens!” I said, “I remember a crop circle was discovered in Waterloo, Ontario last October. Are you saying that it was made by grass dancers?” Gary said to me, “Ignore him. He is a Mtigwakian elder and a total foob.” The old man said, “Well that’s a fine Boozhoo. I may be a foob, but at least I can explain about grass dancers better than you. These young people are going to think that grass dancers are called grass dancers because they stomp on the grass. The next thing you know, you will be telling them the job of the hoop dancers is to ready the basketball courts, or the job of women’s jingle dancers is to prepare the tribe for singing ‘Jingle Bells.’” Then the old man addressed us and said, “The name ‘grass’ does not come from the stomping of grass, but it comes from the old habit of tying braids of sweet grass to the dancer’s belts, producing a swaying effect. Grass dancers’ movements are supposed to resemble grass that is blowing in the wind.”

    Gary said, “Quiet old man. I have more to say.” Then he said, “There were hoop dancers and fancy dancers, and women in jingle dresses wearing hand-made moccasins. The men jumped and whirled…and, whenever an eagle feather fell, the dancing stopped. This meant that somewhere an elder or a veteran had died…their spirit was acknowledged and honored.” Vivian said, “You mean honoured.” Gary said, “That’s what I said.” The old man said, “Oh yes, Gary. That’s a good story. And the time when you dropped your whole eagle feather headdress to the ground last year, all the elders and veterans in Mtigwaki just keeled over and died.” Then he addressed us, “When an eagle feather falls to the ground, it ‘symbolizes’ a fallen warrior. So they are only picked up by the elders and the vets, who are going to ‘symbolically’ retrieve their fallen warrior, which is ‘symbolized’ by the eagle feather on the ground. The only part you got right Gary was that the dancing stops.” Vivian said, “It doesn’t count for imitation feathers, just real eagle feathers.” Gary said, “No, it’s for any kind of eagle feather.”

    While they were arguing, the old man took Kortney and me aside. He lifted up his shawl to reveal a variety of electronic devices and said, “Do you want to buy an iPod? They’re so cheap; I’m practically giving them away as gifts.” Kortney bought one, but I politely declined. Anyway, that's what your mom's story reminded me of.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:13 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, becks just called a "take 5". dunc is playing an uprite bass on some of these songs & i've got both acoustic & electric guitar w/me. it's pretty cube how we're mixing thingz up.

    oh, howard, i tried 2 post a comment last nite but i wasn't able 2 cuz blogger was being a butt. neway, yeah, my mom's pretty freaky, eh? she just thot of that "april may-rion" thing yesterday & thinx it's big funny. wrong-o, mom! & yeh, that story u tell soundz way familiar.


  • At 10:31 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I am glad rehearsal is going well. Don't wear yourselves out. You still have a party to do. Your mother is in here now requesting bannock, which I have seen, but not ever made. So I am trying to make up batches based on what I remember from Mtigwaki. She is eating everything just as I finish making it, and it is scaring the other customers. You should really get her to a doctor and see if she actually has a tapeworm, like Elizabeth thinks. In between mouthfuls, she is telling me that she has to be up early to open her store today, because you are busy with the Freeman party and Beatrice got to take a day off to go get a massage. I asked why she wasn’t at her store then and she replied, “You can’t expect me to work on an empty stomach?!!” Anyway, that’s how things are here.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:40 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Howard this might help:

    6 Cups of flour
    1 Cup of lard
    3 Tablespoons of baking powder
    1 Tablespoon of salt
    2 Cups of currants or raisins
    3 ½ Cups of water
    You’ll also need a medium sized mixing bowl.

    In the bowl, mix the flour and lard together by hand. Then add the baking powder, salt and the currants or raisins. Once this is done, add the water and work the ingredients into a dough. Next, you have two options: the camp fire or the oven. To cook over a camp fire, divide the dough into four lumps and firmly wrap each lump around the end of a four foot stick and prop securely over the fire until golden brown. To cook in an oven, spread the dough out into a 16" square cake pan. Bake at 425 degrees for about 20 minutes or until golden brown.

  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    I just got back from stopping by Becky's garage. I brought the kids some lunch because I know when Becky gets really intense about rehearsing she neglects herself. Anyway, they sound amazing! This party is gonna be so cool! Maynard & I are going to bring Vicki with us. Vicki's here at the salon with me now, and she just can't stop talking about this party tonight.

    By the way, Becky said, "Oh my God, Marjee! I'm so freaked out about rehearsing that I don't even know if Howard is going! I really want him to be there." So, Howard, if you have a chance to check in, let us know if you're going. If I don't hear from you soon, I'll stop by the bakery on my next break.


  • At 2:47 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Okay I'm posting again, but that's because I just got the mail, and in the mail was a little care package from Mom.

    She sent half a dozen cat toys for her "grand-daughter" Shiimsa (which really are appreciated). Some scone mix. Some weird singles magazines. A picture of April and Dad. A pair of knitted baby booties and 30, yes 30 pair of thong panties in assorted colors. Let us put aside the fact that I hate thongs (it's in my bio Mom!), but why 30 pair? She also sent me some weird Victoria's Secret Bra and a few other peices of sexy lingerie. And finally, she sent me a big pack of batteries and a...get this...an electric stimuliting device. I gave it to Yulanda...cause well, you know. I'd rather not get into why. But all this points to our belief that Mom is suffering from Dementia. She's going totally senial. She needs HELP!

  • At 2:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    we're on a short break now so i thot i'd check in. omg, liz, weirdest "care" package ever. yeah, i think mom's def. lost it.

    thanx 4 the food, marjee! we totally wd have skipped lunch if it weren't 4 u.


  • At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Huey Freeman said…

    So, the band's here. My man MCDunC plus the two white chicks and that really white white boy. They just finished setting up and my granddad is shouting orders at them. Riley's already requesting some 50 Cent, so I'd better get on over there before he tries to take everything over.


  • At 5:02 PM, Anonymous riley freeman said…

    what u mean b4 riley try 2 take over? riley already in charge! riley in da house!

  • At 6:15 PM, Anonymous kimmi lasalle said…

    mm, my dunky looks so delish 2nite. & tuff, 2!

    marjee, maynard, vicki, & howard r here. the freemans & their relatives from new orleans r a crayzee bunch!

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Paige Fox said…

    How come I never get invited to the cool parties?

  • At 6:48 PM, Anonymous riley freeman said…

    didn't jason give u the invitation? he told me he would!

  • At 9:14 PM, Anonymous kimmi lasalle said…

    man, i have been having soooooooo much fun here! dunc's band is hawt 2nite, esp. in the parts where dunc is singing! (no offense 2 becky, u r doing gr8!)

    i can hardly w8 2 get some time alone w/dunky after this is over.

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Paige Fox said…

    Ha! You can't depend on Jason for anything. He probably used the invite himself. He's not home right now.

    Say, there wouldn't be some little green dude running around you're party? Short. Dressed in oversized clothes. Little green head? If so, that's Jason and his iguana Quincy. If you see him tell him Mom says he better get his hiney home.

  • At 9:28 PM, Anonymous huey freeman said…

    Yeah, that little iguana dude was here. He ran outta here in a big rush flipping out about losing track of time and getting in trouble.


  • At 9:34 PM, Anonymous Luann DeGroot said…

    I think someone spiked the punch here. I'm feeling a lil loopy. Oh, shut up, Bernice! She just said, "Oh, what, more than usual?" That Gerald guy in the band is kinda cute, but he won't take his eyes off the guitar girl.

    Huey, I think one of your relatives tried to pick my pocket. When I stopped her, she was like "We just lost everything we know." So I let her have my allowance. I am so weak.


  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I just thought I would send this post to you about Becky, April, Duncan and Gerald at the Robert Freeman party. The story was that Robert was throwing this party as a benefit for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. So he was at the front door taking money into a box. It became pretty evident from some of his comments though, that the party is really to pay for his bills in putting up his cousins from New Orleans. As people would give him money, he would say, “Now that’s enough for the gas bill. And that’s enough for the cable TV bill.” Becky was a little angry when she found out and she told him, “We are doing this party for free to benefit Hurricane Katrina victims, not to fill up your wallet.” Well, Robert’s grandson Huey heard this and was all over him at this point saying, “You’re just like Bush, taking money from the Hurricane relief to pay off your rich white friends.” And Robert is like, “I’m just trying to pay the bills from these freeloaders. The Hurricane relief checks are not enough money to even pay for HBO.” Anyway, they kind of got into it. Becky was closer to the argument, so she may remember more details.

    The reality TV people were interesting. They kept on taking people aside for personal interviews about things that happened. After Robert and Huey and Becky stopped fighting, they all had to talk about it. It took a really long time for that stuff.

    It’s pretty late now, and Becky, April, Gerald and Duncan have just got started. They had to stop several times for fights that occurred and then for the reality TV people to do the personal interviews about the fights.

    The first fight that happened was when Huey Freeman and his best friend Caesar got into it about why a white girl was hired to do their party instead of him. Huey said he was a real fan of MCDunC, and Caesar was saying, “He’s not even black. Listen to that accent. He’s from Barbados. You can’t rap about the oppression of the black people, if you are from Barbados.”

    The second fight was between Kimmi LaSalle and one of Robert Freeman’s neighbours, a girl named Jazmine DuBois. When Jazmine heard that Duncan was from Barbados she was all over him saying, “I know what it is like to struggle to find your identity. My mother is one-quarter Irish, one-quarter Swedish and one-half German, and my grandmother on my father’s side is part Cherokee and my grandfather is mostly French, I think. Because he’s originally from Louisiana and his father was from Haiti. And Haiti is close to Barbados. So I feel your pain.” Kimmi did not take Jazmine’s attention to Duncan very well and there was another argument. Duncan or Kimmi will probably remember more details about these arguments.

    Becky got tired of all this controversy over Duncan and launched into her Billie Holiday set. Then Riley Freeman jumped on the mike beside her and said, “We don’t want any white music at this party. We need some 50 Cent or Public Enemy. We have to be keepin’ it real.” Well, Riley’s grandfather Robert jumped all over him and said, “White music! White music! Billie Holiday is not white music! Now tell me who Billie Holiday is?” So Riley said, “She was this woman who sang songs back in the day. She was responsible for writing that old school black holiday music for Kwanzaa.” Robert Freeman was livid and started yelling at Riley, which ended up in a long lecture and then more reality TV interviews.

    After this was done, Duncan started off with his rap numbers. April talked Becky into letting him go first in order to calm down Riley. I think Becky is starting again and I want to hear her. I will post again later.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:11 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    What a cube gig!

    In between sets, this Jazmine Dubois came up 2 me w/ a bag of lipstix. I pulled sum out an' saw Candy Apple, Electric Orange and Plum on the labels. Then Kimmi came over so I had 2 stop fishing, but I think I saw yellow, green, blue an' indigo in there 2. Jazmine goes, would u like 2 take me 2 Horny Tims aft. the gig, if u buy me sum Tim balls and a double double Ill....

    But Kimmi is here. Oh, man, I dont no what 2 do. L8r, mayB. Or mayB not.

  • At 10:50 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I forgot to thank you for the recipe for bannock earlier today. It really saved me with your mom. Thanks.

    The Robert Freeman party is still going on. Becky killed with her Aretha Franklin set. Duncan, however, is really sweating it. During his last rap set, Jazmine DuBois and Kimmi LaSalle were standing right in front of him, pulling one lipstick after another out of their purses and then applying it to their lips. They have kind of rainbow clown faces now, and Duncan looks like he is about to have a heart attack. Oh, he just went down. I will post later.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:53 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh man i don't have 2 long 2 post. i just finished my set an' we're taking 10 b4 dunc goes on again.

    well 1st thing i have 2 say is i'm never watching another reality tv show again (except mayb this 1 when it goes on the air cuz i want 2 c myself singing). this stuff is all totally rigged. ok the director guy keeps following us around with a camera trying 2 catch every1 fighting an' then when they do they make u go off 2 the side alone 2 talk abt the fight. well the 1st time they did it it wuz over the fight i had w/ mr. freeman over him selling tickets 2 pay the cable bill. after we got done fighting the director called me over an' sat me down an' started asking me questions.

    D: so, wow, mr. freeman is really an asshole, huh?
    B: i don't think i'd use that word on tv 2 describe a guy who hired me 4 a gig. that is way unprofessional.
    D: ok, so what swear word would u use 2 describe mr. freeman?
    B: i wouldn't. i prefer 2 settle my contractual disputes in private. jeremy gave me a book on business ethics an' it has a lot of really good advice in there for...
    D: yeah yeah, but we want 2 hear about the fight.
    B: well, i don't really think it's ne of ur business.
    D: but it is! the freemans signed a waiver! we can put their personal life on tape! it's ok! just relax and let your anger flow!
    B: i'm not really that mad. this party is going really well. i m singing better than i thought, an' u guyz r gonna put me on tv, an...
    D: we hear u an' ur co-star, MCDunC, have an abusive history together.
    B: huh?
    D: our sources have obtained confidential copies of police reports that state MCDunC, aka duncan anderson, spent most of the summer stalking you.
    B: well yeah but we cleared that all up.
    D: the reports say he put a video camera in your bathroom.
    B: hey u know dunc had a little crush on me, an' he went 2 far, but we get along just fine now. he learned his lesson.
    D: do you feel a dangerous criminal like MCDunC should b loose on the streets?
    B: r u nuts? dunc isn't dangerous. he's just young an' misguided. bsides, they expunged his record.
    D: i understand that there is quite a lot of bitterness btween u an' MCDunC's new girlfriend, kimmi lasalle. tell me about that. do you hate her for stealing ur man?
    B: ur krazee. dunc wuz never my man.
    D: so ur saying that it was unrequited love that sent MCDunC over the edge?
    B: ur twisting my words. we were never in love.
    D: what do u say 2 reports that MCDunC is packing heat 2nite?
    B: huh?
    D: several guests say they saw what looked like the butt of a gun sticking out the waistband of MCDunC's pants.
    B: that's krazee. the only gun dunc has is a super squirter.
    D: but with his bad-boy image, who knows, right?
    B: god what is ur problem?
    D: (annoyed) we need controversy! we need conflict!
    B: well, i need 2 get my butt back onstage, it's almost time 4 my next set.

    i will tell u the rest later. psychos, huh?


    p.s.--dunc, u don't really have a gun, do u?

  • At 12:11 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Duncan is OK. Let me tell you what happened. After Duncan collapsed, Jazmine DuBois and Kimmi LaSalle both jumped on him and started removing his pants, and saying something about personal rainbow parties. Then Jazmine jumped back and started screaming, “He’s packing a gun! I saw the butt of a gun sticking out of the waistband of his pants!” There was a lot of screaming going on, and one of Robert Freeman’s cousins came out with a big shot gun saying, “We knew how to handle this kind of problem in New Orleans” and he was headed over to Duncan, when Marjee Mahaha jumped in front of him and stopped him. She went over to Duncan and said, “I know what that is and it’s not a gun.” And she pulled out of Duncan’s pants an afro comb, with the bottom shaped like a gun butt. This got everyone laughing. Then this green-headed guy went over to Duncan and said, “I think he needs mouth-to-mouth” and he started to lean down to Duncan, when his head fell off. It turned out it was a little kid with an iguana on his shoulders. Then this girl named Luann went over to Duncan and said, “I know how to give mouth-to-mouth. My brother is a firefighter.” But Kimmi stopped her and said, “If anyone is giving my man mouth-to-mouth, it’s going to be me.” Kimmi apparently thinks that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is the same thing as open-mouthed kissing; but I would have to admit it was effective on Duncan. He was able to finish his rap set, and he never sounded better. The reality TV guys stopped the concert to interview Jazmine, Kimmi, and Marjee. They are interviewing Duncan now. Becky is about to start her third set. I’ll post later.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:07 AM, Blogger howard said…


    The Robert Freeman party is shutting down now. Jeremy and I are taking down the equipment. Maynard and Marjee left to take Vicki home. Becky is off with the reality TV people trying to talk them into doing a reality TV show with her as the star, like Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson did in the States. They don’t appear interested, but Becky can be very persuasive.

    Kimmi LaSalle has been really excited since her “mouth-to-mouth resuscitation” of Duncan. After Gerald saw that, he was talking to April about how he needed some resuscitation to be revived after being in a coma for the last few weeks. Jazmine DuBois had her lipsticks and was chasing after Huey Freeman saying she could resuscitate him, but he said to her, “No. Not until you admit you are black.” April came by and said that she and Gerald are going to talk privately around the side of the house. Then Kimmi and Duncan left for the same general direction. Then one of the reality TV cameramen took a night vision camera and went in the same direction. It’s going to get really crowded over there.

    Duncan said that he wanted to go to Horny Tims after the gig to get some Tim balls. So we may go there after we get everything cleaned up.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:54 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Thanks for keeping me updated Howard.

    April I hope you and Gerald keep it clean, if you know what I mean, out there by the side of the house. In fact, I've heard so little about what you've done at this party that I'm worried that you and Gerald are off in a closet somewhere. Now I know you're smart and you're going to do what you're going to do...but Ger has been putting an awful lot of pressure on you lately and frankly I agree with Becky that you can do better.

  • At 9:45 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I am so sorry I forget to mention April's performance to you. I kind of got wrapped up in all the controversy. Her guitar work was excellent. She was able to move back and forth between the jazz and rap styles easily, and even some pop ballad stuff for when Becky did some of her own material. You would have been very proud to hear her.

    We did end up going to Tim Hortons and then everyone went home. April and Gerald realized that the reality TV cameraman was filming them by the side of the Robert Freeman house, but not before Gerald was covered in lipstick. She must have borrowed some from Jazmine DuBois. I think I saw yellow, green, blue and indigo on his face. The lady at the counter at Tim Hortons asked us if we were from a circus, when she saw all the lip stick-covered faces. Jeremy was muttering about how they were all amateurs, but Becky told him to lighten up. I think Jeremy was a little jealous that he had spent his time moving equipment and didn't get any lip action of his own.

    As for Gerald and April, they are obviously getting along well. But, just between us girls, April did ask me last night what I thought of Jeremy's "bad boy" look?

    Howard Kelpfroth


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