Elly Patterson, Mtigshizznet Historian
OMG, I am so achy 2day fr. that truth-or-dare thing we all did last nite. I can't believe Jeremy Jones actually kissed me when Becky dared him 2! I was sure he'd rather switch 2 truth or get a penalty than do that. I wd say that Jeremy knows what he's doing when he kisses, but I won't cuz I don't want 2 get Gerald & Becky mad @ me.
So, I'm having xtra strong coffee 2day w/sum Tylenol 4 gd measure when it's Mom time again. Dad actually kicked me under the table, which was bad cuz he kicked me in 1 of my sore spots, so I kinda half leapt out of my chair & had 2 pretend it was a big hiccup. Mom was 2 wrapped up in her storytelling 2 care that much. U shd have seen the smug look on her face when she started 2day's installment. This time, she wasn't ev. talking about Liz or the Mtigyaya ppl, but instead giving a little history lesson abt how the community's been there 4 as long as Ojibway-talking peeps remember, the sacred fire's alwayz been done in the same ol' stones, blah, blah, blah, "In every way, it is a place of worship." 4 sum reason there's supposed 2 B sum kinda funny contrast betw that statement & one of the wise natives up there saying "If we can raise a bit more money, we can fix the roof", but I just don't C it, do U? NEway, all this history stuff I've already heard fr. Liz, & she told it way better than Ma just did. I don't know Y Ma wants 2 B the big "noble natives of the North" historian 2day, but I have a bad feeling she'll wanna continue @ least thru Saturday B4 she findz something else 2 talk abt.
Dunc is xtra goo-goo eyed abt Kimmi this morning since she sed sum mushy stuff 2 him last nite in that truth or dare. @ least something gd came out of it!
Apes
So, I'm having xtra strong coffee 2day w/sum Tylenol 4 gd measure when it's Mom time again. Dad actually kicked me under the table, which was bad cuz he kicked me in 1 of my sore spots, so I kinda half leapt out of my chair & had 2 pretend it was a big hiccup. Mom was 2 wrapped up in her storytelling 2 care that much. U shd have seen the smug look on her face when she started 2day's installment. This time, she wasn't ev. talking about Liz or the Mtigyaya ppl, but instead giving a little history lesson abt how the community's been there 4 as long as Ojibway-talking peeps remember, the sacred fire's alwayz been done in the same ol' stones, blah, blah, blah, "In every way, it is a place of worship." 4 sum reason there's supposed 2 B sum kinda funny contrast betw that statement & one of the wise natives up there saying "If we can raise a bit more money, we can fix the roof", but I just don't C it, do U? NEway, all this history stuff I've already heard fr. Liz, & she told it way better than Ma just did. I don't know Y Ma wants 2 B the big "noble natives of the North" historian 2day, but I have a bad feeling she'll wanna continue @ least thru Saturday B4 she findz something else 2 talk abt.
Dunc is xtra goo-goo eyed abt Kimmi this morning since she sed sum mushy stuff 2 him last nite in that truth or dare. @ least something gd came out of it!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:18 AM
26 Comments:
At 8:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
wow, i was so worried abt getting home w/out my 'rents noticing that i'd been w/dunc that i 4got all about checking this blog.
yeh, so that party got crazy, but i don't care cuz i got 2 spend time w/my dunc the hunk. we even got 2 kiss a bit after all that was over. dunc & i hid in the bushes outside my house. he asked me abt the "private rainbow party" thing again & i sed i don't know when we can since the 'rents & principal r on 2 us, but i gave him a real quick scootch u-know-where as a little "promise" b4 i ran off. ::wink, wink::
kiMMi <3 <3 <3
At 8:06 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, kimmi, u mean u touched there?
giggle.
so no wonder u seemed so happy & hopeful on the bus 2day, dunc!
apes
At 8:21 AM,
Anonymous said…
Maynard's been in a pissy mood since I said that thing about Howard last night. We yelled at each other a lot last night, until Maynard kinda passed out from drinking too much. Again. But he left on time this morning, so that's a good thing.
I don't know why Maynard's being so pissy. I mean, we promised each other to be truthful about this sex stuff, even when we're not playing truth or dare. And it's not like I had sex with Howard during my relationship with Maynard. B/c if I had, I would have told Nardo all about it, that's the basis of our open relationship. But this with Howard happened a long time ago. We met at a bar 1 nite, and be were both pretty toasted. I remember he'd been talking about how he'd broken up with a girl named Beatrice and was feeling pretty sad about the whole thing. He was questioning himself about a lot of things in his life and second-guessing everything. I'd just been dumped by a lying, cheating bastard, so I was feeling pretty bad about myself.
Anyway, we ended up at my place that night. Howard was dressed pretty butch, but he had a feather boa. Something about that combo made me let my guard down. He said he could tell I was tense, & he did like 5 diff kinds of massage on me, ending with this tickly feather he had rolled up in his back pocket. Man, I have never, ever, been so relaxed, before or since.
I sort of zoned out, but next thing I knew, we were in my bed. I was surprised because he'd said he was swearing off women for good. But once he started, neither of us wanted to stop until we had, you know, "arrived". I don't want to go into too much detail since Maynard reads here sometimes, but I'll just say Howard's got a great attention span.
But Nardo, honey, you are the one I'm with and I love you, babes. So please stop being mad.
Marjee
At 8:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
I gotta make this short, cause if my foreman catches me posting to some little girl's blog, I will be in so much trouble and so fired.
Marjee, I'm not mad anymore. Hung over, but not mad. I think I have to start those anger management classes again, eh?
Nardo
At 8:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
2day is a gr8 day, Apes! But I dont kiss an' tell.
MCDunC
p.s. I hope u got all of the Jeremy Jones spit out of yr mouth. Ill beat him up 4 u if u want me 2.
p.p.s. Kimmi, <3 <3 <3
At 8:29 AM,
April Patterson said…
lol, it's ok, dunc, no need 2 beat up jeremy. i think we had enuf violence last nite. & plus kimmi wd b upset if u got yrself bruised.
apes
At 9:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
shannon lake cud beat up that purple-lipped freak mc dunce. he thinks he iz a gangsta rapper, but he iz rilly a wanksta rapper. kimmi iz way 2 gud 4 him. i wud mack on her if becky told me 2. apeface rilly liked it. kimmi wud 2.
At 9:13 AM,
Anonymous said…
U r right, Apes. Jer would fight dirty an' Kimmi would B all pissed if a v. important piece of my body got injured. L8r.
p.s. Kimmi, <3 <3 <3
At 9:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
Whatevah, Jer. Go play w/ yr daddy's slide whistle.
At 9:20 AM,
Anonymous said…
my dad iz a real musician. keep talking an' i'll b sur 2 luk 4 u between classes MC douchebag.
At 9:29 AM,
April Patterson said…
aw, c'mon guyz, don't fite. u r just both so busy acting all tuff. don't worry so much abt being tuff, k? becky likes u ok w/out u getting in2 sum fite, jeremy. & if u get all in trub 4 fiting u won't get 2 c her as much. same w/u & kimmi, dunc. so let's try 2 chill a bit!
apes
At 9:34 AM,
Anonymous said…
ok apeface. i'll chill. but he started it.
At 1:47 PM,
howard said…
April,
I have been depressed most of the day. Ever since Becky introduced Marjee Mahaha to me weeks ago, I had been hoping that she didn’t remember me and the actual first time we met. When she told about our first meeting, it brought up a lot of old memories and feelings about Bea and me and when she broke up with me. I still don’t understand why she did it. All she told me was that I was good enough..but, not for her.
I need to think about something else. It has taken me forever to clean the bugs out of the light fixtures in your grandpa Jim’s and Iris’ apartment. Iris wanted me to do that and clean the windows, but I have been emotionally preoccupied. Your story about your mother’s trip to Mtigwaki reminded me of when Gary and Vivian Crane were touring Kortney and me around the Mtigwaki powwow grounds. He said, “Some people believe Mtigwaki has been an established community for as long as the Ojibway people can remember. They are, of course, wrong. According to oral tradition the Ojibway were originally settled up and down the East Coast. People think the migration started around 900 AD and took about 500 years to complete.” Kortney said, “Fascinating. Why are those cumulous clouds so flat on the bottom?” Vivian said, “That is a gift from the Gitchie Manitou or Great Spirit, the trickster God of the Ojibway. He was renowned for his flat bottom.” I said, “What?” Gary said, “She’s just kidding. We don’t know why the clouds look like that.” Kortney said, “What is that eagle structure carved into that tree?” Gary said, “The bird of the skies, the eagle, is the prayer carrier of the Ojibway people. When the eagle soars to the sky, one knows he is carrying the prayers to the creator.” Vivian added, “You can also buy a copy at our gift shop.”
Then Gary said, “The original structures are long gone, but the powwow grounds remain very much the same. The sacred fire is lit within the same stones placed there by the ancestors. Some people believe it is a circle. They are, of course, wrong. It is actually a 36 stone Medicine Wheel that is comprised of a central stone representing the Creator God. That stone is encircled by seven stones representing the Sun, World, Moon, and the four elements: Earth, Fire, Air, and Water. Twelve Stones going out from these in a cross pattern represent the Spirit Path. These stones connect to a large outer circle that is marked by four compass point stones: North, South, East, and West. And twelve stones representing the twelve cycles of the moon connect these four stones.” Vivian said to Gary, “Are you stoned telling them all that? What they really need to know is that in every way, it is a place of worship. If we can raise a bit more money, we can fix the roof.” Then Gary and Vivian looked at Kortney and me expectantly with their hands out. Kortney said, “This is an open air structure. If it rains and it is windy, you are going to get wet, no matter if your roof is fixed. What you really need is walls.” I remember Gary and Vivian looked a little miffed, but then continued on the tour. It was good to think about Kortney again. I feel a little better. It's time to do some windows.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol, my ma will prolly "work" l8 so she can have "xtra" pastriez fr. yr mom's shop, becks!
howard, i m not surprised that my mom got deets of her mtighooha history wrong. she was probably so busy patting herself on the back 4 interacting with nicenatives that she barely listened 2 what they were telling her.
apes
At 2:17 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Thank you bud, for setting me up with your mother's new business. You are so nice to me, I don't know how to thank you. I will definitely be there tonight. I gave my boss at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace 2 week’s notice. He was unhappy, but understood. He said he was glad I worked as long as I did. Most custodians there don’t last 2 weeks. Your mom said I can work evenings and do the overnight cooking for the next 2 weeks. April’s Grandpa Jim and Iris were less forgiving. They said, “Just because you aren’t working here after 2 weeks, doesn’t mean that we are not your surety. If you want to stay out of jail, Coward, you have stuff to do here too.” So, it looks like I am going to be working 3 jobs for the next 2 weeks. It doesn’t matter. Cooking isn’t singing, but it is still an art form. It is going to be a lot better than having to clean up after the old folks at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, howard, i cannot b'lieve the way iris is treating u. u know what, i'll bet gerald can talk his dad in2 being yr surety. now that he's not catatonic, he shd b able 2 xplain that the whole "blackmail" thing was a big misunderstanding fr. becks trying 2 help & not nething u were trying 2 do.
apes
At 2:41 PM,
howard said…
April,
I would appreciate any help Gerald can give me, but my impression of Gerald’s father is that he doesn’t take Gerald’s concerns very seriously. I have doubts as to whether Gerald can convince his dad that an adult wasn’t behind that blackmail, particularly when that adult has been accused with 3 assault charges. Anyway, Iris is a little bossy, but at least she doesn’t drug and rape me, and she only tongues me when May is around. Plus, I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but your grandpa Jim and Iris can barely get around, much less do any kind of major cleaning. Their apartment was getting really dirty before I started working there. Think of it as a good thing that I am doing for your family, even if it is under the veil of a threat. OK?
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:51 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, ok, but tell me if they push it 2 far, cuz if they do i will threaten 2 turn dixie against gramps. i've done if b4, i can do it again.
apes
At 2:59 PM,
howard said…
April,
Just mentioning Dixie gives me Havarti-flavored shivers. Brrr!!
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 3:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
sorry abt giving u bad mems. just b glad u don't hafta live w/ol' ratface not-sheltie.
apes
At 4:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
becky & i r helping her mom decorate the new bakery. i've been here abt 45 minutes & my mom's been here twice. when she noticed me helping out (after woofing down a batch of choccy cupcakes), she was all, "oh, it's nice 2 c u r being useful, spare-daughter!" then she shook of sum crumbs & sed she'd b back. lol.
oh, howard just got here & he sez he has sum decorating ideas!
apes
At 6:30 PM,
howard said…
Elizabeth,
I just thought I would let you know that April is a little upset, and may need some sisterly comfort. Here’s what happened. I got to Krystle's Kakes and Pies and saw how things were. There were no nice tables, chairs or table cloths, just a bunch of folding tables and chairs. The store is adorned with several signs printed off a computer. The new kitchen setup is not separated from the customers. When Becky’s mom Krystle saw me, she said, “Thank God you’re here. I can’t get anything done. That Elly Patterson has been keeping the ovens running nonstop since this morning.” So Krystle, Becky, April and I decided that a little shopping was in order for some furniture, table cloths, and wall decorations. I was going to man the store while the ladies went shopping, but just as they were about to leave, a man from the Milborough Board of Health came in. Krystle said she and the man had a little business to discuss and they left. I decided that we could close the store long enough to do the shopping, but then in came Elly Patterson. She said to me, “Oh Becky’s nice music teacher. Are you working here now?” I said I was. Then she said to April, “You see. Music doesn’t get you enough money to pay the bills. Even your uncle Phil had to take that job at L’Académie St-Denis. Let this be a lesson to you. Now Becky’s nice music teacher, I need some food.” So I gave her all the stuff that Krystle had already made, and started to work on making new things. I have never seen a woman eat so much so fast. Becky and April started to help me, but Elly called them over to her and told them to stay out of my way. Then they started having a really intense and angry conversation that I couldn’t hear over the noise of the ovens, except I heard the name robert freeman occasionally. Every once in awhile Elly would get up and gather together what I had made. I had gone through my recipes for Baklava, beignet, cannoli, cream puffs, crescents, Danish, éclairs, empanadas, kugels, napoleons, nut rolls, butter horns, cheese kugah, maamul, rosettes, strudel, tarts, and turnovers; when Elly paid her bill, grabbed April by the arm and said, “It’s time for you and me to leave this spoiled kid and go home so you can make me some supper. I’m starving.” I looked up and realized that April was crying as she left. Then I noticed that Becky was very upset. I asked her what was wrong, but all she did was to hold me for a long time. She may post what happened, when she calms down.
So, Elizabeth you may want to post to your sister and find out what happened,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, we r on. i don't know how she did it, but liz called mom & got her 2 change her mind abt letting me do that gig! i just heard mom's side, which was like: "oh, hello, liz! my wonderful, adventurous daughter teaching those noble--what's that? did u just tell me 2 shut up? now, young lady, nobody tells me. . . . what's that? no, april is not allowed 2 play that party because. . . . what? r u kidding me? u're not? but liz, u can't--w8, ok? slow down! now, u don't want 2 do nething rash! but. y, yes, of course. okay, i c what u. . . . yes, i know that but. . . . u can't possibly mean. liz! well, that's that, i guess. ok, i will." then she ran upstairz crying. 15 min. l8r, she came back downstairz & sed, "ok, april, u can do that gig saturday nite, but don't think u can laze around doing nothing all day sunday. & don't xpect this 2 lead 2 sum big career. this is just 4 fun. & when u see becky, tell her i sed she's a nice girl." that last part, she practically choked out, but she really did say it.
so, liz, i don't know what u sed, but i owe u one, sis!
apes
At 8:07 PM,
howard said…
Elizabeth,
You deserve a big thank you for interceding on behalf of your sister and Becky. Becky was in a lot better mood after she read April’s post about your conversation with your mom. I made you a little something and packed it in dry ice as a thank you and it doesn’t have any part of a bear in it. I’m sending it out tonight with next day service. Don’t let that Jesse Mukwa open it, or you won’t get any.
I am closing up Krystle's Kakes and Pies for the night. I went through the inventory and you would not believe how much your mother ate today. She consumed 2X a normal woman’s body weight in sugar and flour. I wouldn’t think that would be possible, but I witnessed it myself. She must have an extraordinary metabolism.
I have made up enough pastries to match your mother’s consumption from today, so with any luck, we might have enough for some other customers tomorrow. After all, if your mother got sick or got mad at Krystle, it would pretty much destroy her business.
Becky and I are going to do a little shopping for store decorations. I was going to wait for Krystle to come back from her meeting with the Milborough Board of Health man, but Becky said that she probably wouldn’t be back until late. So after we shop, I will stay with Becky until her mother (my new boss) gets home.
Thanks bunches,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 9:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear friends,
Despite my unfortunate outburst at last night's soiree, I am still feeling quite mellow today. So mellow, in fact, that I forgot to leave the school after the final bell rang. The janitor found me still sitting at my desk around 7:30 pm and sent me home. Oops.
My father says this is a clear sign of unconscious sexual longings for Mrs. Prescott. He is adding another weekly session with Dr. Krazenfutz.
Yours sincerely, Gerald
At 1:51 AM,
howard said…
April,
Please be nice to poor Gerald and make sure he gets home from school tomorrow.
It's late here at Becky's house and her mom still isn't back from her meeting with the Milborough Board of Health man. Becky wasn't worried and said that since Krystle agreed to not bring men home anymore, she frequently does not come back until the next morning. Becky went to sleep a few hours ago and I would like to also, but I am too nervous about Becky's mom. Also, your sister Elizabeth never responded to our posts, so I wonder if she is sick or something.
Nervous,
Howard Kelpfroth
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