April's Real Blog

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Elly Patterson, Mtigshizznet Historian

OMG, I am so achy 2day fr. that truth-or-dare thing we all did last nite. I can't believe Jeremy Jones actually kissed me when Becky dared him 2! I was sure he'd rather switch 2 truth or get a penalty than do that. I wd say that Jeremy knows what he's doing when he kisses, but I won't cuz I don't want 2 get Gerald & Becky mad @ me.

So, I'm having xtra strong coffee 2day w/sum Tylenol 4 gd measure when it's Mom time again. Dad actually kicked me under the table, which was bad cuz he kicked me in 1 of my sore spots, so I kinda half leapt out of my chair & had 2 pretend it was a big hiccup. Mom was 2 wrapped up in her storytelling 2 care that much. U shd have seen the smug look on her face when she started 2day's installment. This time, she wasn't ev. talking about Liz or the Mtigyaya ppl, but instead giving a little history lesson abt how the community's been there 4 as long as Ojibway-talking peeps remember, the sacred fire's alwayz been done in the same ol' stones, blah, blah, blah, "In every way, it is a place of worship." 4 sum reason there's supposed 2 B sum kinda funny contrast betw that statement & one of the wise natives up there saying "If we can raise a bit more money, we can fix the roof", but I just don't C it, do U? NEway, all this history stuff I've already heard fr. Liz, & she told it way better than Ma just did. I don't know Y Ma wants 2 B the big "noble natives of the North" historian 2day, but I have a bad feeling she'll wanna continue @ least thru Saturday B4 she findz something else 2 talk abt.

Dunc is xtra goo-goo eyed abt Kimmi this morning since she sed sum mushy stuff 2 him last nite in that truth or dare. @ least something gd came out of it!



  • At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    wow, i was so worried abt getting home w/out my 'rents noticing that i'd been w/dunc that i 4got all about checking this blog.

    yeh, so that party got crazy, but i don't care cuz i got 2 spend time w/my dunc the hunk. we even got 2 kiss a bit after all that was over. dunc & i hid in the bushes outside my house. he asked me abt the "private rainbow party" thing again & i sed i don't know when we can since the 'rents & principal r on 2 us, but i gave him a real quick scootch u-know-where as a little "promise" b4 i ran off. ::wink, wink::

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 8:06 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, kimmi, u mean u touched there?


    so no wonder u seemed so happy & hopeful on the bus 2day, dunc!


  • At 8:21 AM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    Maynard's been in a pissy mood since I said that thing about Howard last night. We yelled at each other a lot last night, until Maynard kinda passed out from drinking too much. Again. But he left on time this morning, so that's a good thing.

    I don't know why Maynard's being so pissy. I mean, we promised each other to be truthful about this sex stuff, even when we're not playing truth or dare. And it's not like I had sex with Howard during my relationship with Maynard. B/c if I had, I would have told Nardo all about it, that's the basis of our open relationship. But this with Howard happened a long time ago. We met at a bar 1 nite, and be were both pretty toasted. I remember he'd been talking about how he'd broken up with a girl named Beatrice and was feeling pretty sad about the whole thing. He was questioning himself about a lot of things in his life and second-guessing everything. I'd just been dumped by a lying, cheating bastard, so I was feeling pretty bad about myself.

    Anyway, we ended up at my place that night. Howard was dressed pretty butch, but he had a feather boa. Something about that combo made me let my guard down. He said he could tell I was tense, & he did like 5 diff kinds of massage on me, ending with this tickly feather he had rolled up in his back pocket. Man, I have never, ever, been so relaxed, before or since.

    I sort of zoned out, but next thing I knew, we were in my bed. I was surprised because he'd said he was swearing off women for good. But once he started, neither of us wanted to stop until we had, you know, "arrived". I don't want to go into too much detail since Maynard reads here sometimes, but I'll just say Howard's got a great attention span.

    But Nardo, honey, you are the one I'm with and I love you, babes. So please stop being mad.


  • At 8:23 AM, Anonymous Maynard Mahoney said…

    I gotta make this short, cause if my foreman catches me posting to some little girl's blog, I will be in so much trouble and so fired.

    Marjee, I'm not mad anymore. Hung over, but not mad. I think I have to start those anger management classes again, eh?


  • At 8:25 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    2day is a gr8 day, Apes! But I dont kiss an' tell.


    p.s. I hope u got all of the Jeremy Jones spit out of yr mouth. Ill beat him up 4 u if u want me 2.

    p.p.s. Kimmi, <3 <3 <3

  • At 8:29 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, it's ok, dunc, no need 2 beat up jeremy. i think we had enuf violence last nite. & plus kimmi wd b upset if u got yrself bruised.


  • At 9:08 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    shannon lake cud beat up that purple-lipped freak mc dunce. he thinks he iz a gangsta rapper, but he iz rilly a wanksta rapper. kimmi iz way 2 gud 4 him. i wud mack on her if becky told me 2. apeface rilly liked it. kimmi wud 2.

  • At 9:13 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    U r right, Apes. Jer would fight dirty an' Kimmi would B all pissed if a v. important piece of my body got injured. L8r.

    p.s. Kimmi, <3 <3 <3

  • At 9:15 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Whatevah, Jer. Go play w/ yr daddy's slide whistle.

  • At 9:20 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    my dad iz a real musician. keep talking an' i'll b sur 2 luk 4 u between classes MC douchebag.

  • At 9:29 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, c'mon guyz, don't fite. u r just both so busy acting all tuff. don't worry so much abt being tuff, k? becky likes u ok w/out u getting in2 sum fite, jeremy. & if u get all in trub 4 fiting u won't get 2 c her as much. same w/u & kimmi, dunc. so let's try 2 chill a bit!


  • At 9:34 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    ok apeface. i'll chill. but he started it.

  • At 1:47 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I have been depressed most of the day. Ever since Becky introduced Marjee Mahaha to me weeks ago, I had been hoping that she didn’t remember me and the actual first time we met. When she told about our first meeting, it brought up a lot of old memories and feelings about Bea and me and when she broke up with me. I still don’t understand why she did it. All she told me was that I was good enough..but, not for her.

    I need to think about something else. It has taken me forever to clean the bugs out of the light fixtures in your grandpa Jim’s and Iris’ apartment. Iris wanted me to do that and clean the windows, but I have been emotionally preoccupied. Your story about your mother’s trip to Mtigwaki reminded me of when Gary and Vivian Crane were touring Kortney and me around the Mtigwaki powwow grounds. He said, “Some people believe Mtigwaki has been an established community for as long as the Ojibway people can remember. They are, of course, wrong. According to oral tradition the Ojibway were originally settled up and down the East Coast. People think the migration started around 900 AD and took about 500 years to complete.” Kortney said, “Fascinating. Why are those cumulous clouds so flat on the bottom?” Vivian said, “That is a gift from the Gitchie Manitou or Great Spirit, the trickster God of the Ojibway. He was renowned for his flat bottom.” I said, “What?” Gary said, “She’s just kidding. We don’t know why the clouds look like that.” Kortney said, “What is that eagle structure carved into that tree?” Gary said, “The bird of the skies, the eagle, is the prayer carrier of the Ojibway people. When the eagle soars to the sky, one knows he is carrying the prayers to the creator.” Vivian added, “You can also buy a copy at our gift shop.”

    Then Gary said, “The original structures are long gone, but the powwow grounds remain very much the same. The sacred fire is lit within the same stones placed there by the ancestors. Some people believe it is a circle. They are, of course, wrong. It is actually a 36 stone Medicine Wheel that is comprised of a central stone representing the Creator God. That stone is encircled by seven stones representing the Sun, World, Moon, and the four elements: Earth, Fire, Air, and Water. Twelve Stones going out from these in a cross pattern represent the Spirit Path. These stones connect to a large outer circle that is marked by four compass point stones: North, South, East, and West. And twelve stones representing the twelve cycles of the moon connect these four stones.” Vivian said to Gary, “Are you stoned telling them all that? What they really need to know is that in every way, it is a place of worship. If we can raise a bit more money, we can fix the roof.” Then Gary and Vivian looked at Kortney and me expectantly with their hands out. Kortney said, “This is an open air structure. If it rains and it is windy, you are going to get wet, no matter if your roof is fixed. What you really need is walls.” I remember Gary and Vivian looked a little miffed, but then continued on the tour. It was good to think about Kortney again. I feel a little better. It's time to do some windows.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    look what happens when i 4get my cell in my locker! u guyz, cut it out. we should all just get along.

    ok i talked 2 my mom at lunch an' this is what she told me. she got howard 2 help her bring the stove over 2 the new bakery early this morning. she's all psyched abt the new bakery which makes me happy she hasn't been excited abt nething since dad left so i hope this will b good 4 her. neway, she gets the stove down there an' starts baking cookies she figures that will b a good start. well she baked frum like 5:30-8 am an' then went 2 open the doors 4 bizness an' guess what horrible thing she found on her doorstep? jelly fatterson wuz already standing there with her mouth an' tongue pressed on the glass an' there wuz drool running down the glass. like a whole river of it. mom opens up an' invites her in an' jelly wants 2 know what she baked 2day an' mom goes, "well all i have rite now is 8 dozen chocolate chocolate chip cookies" an' jelly goes "that's it?" like she's gonna die or something. well she bought all 8 dozen cookies an' as she's going out the door she asks mom when the next batch will b ready! after that, she came back every hour just 2 check an' c what all wuz freshly baked.

    well mom went straight over 2 the bank at lunch 2 get a small business loan an' the dude at the bank mr. gotbucks goes "well u have terrible credit but ur idea is a goldmine! approved!" so mom went out this afternoon 2 buy all sorts of giant ovens an' pastry blenders an' crap. howie, she sez u can start working whenever u want at the bakery, but preferably 2nite cuz she needs help setting up. sorry abt the short notice. she just didn't realize how fast this would take off. u get 2 b assistant pastry chef.

  • At 2:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, my ma will prolly "work" l8 so she can have "xtra" pastriez fr. yr mom's shop, becks!

    howard, i m not surprised that my mom got deets of her mtighooha history wrong. she was probably so busy patting herself on the back 4 interacting with nicenatives that she barely listened 2 what they were telling her.


  • At 2:17 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Thank you bud, for setting me up with your mother's new business. You are so nice to me, I don't know how to thank you. I will definitely be there tonight. I gave my boss at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace 2 week’s notice. He was unhappy, but understood. He said he was glad I worked as long as I did. Most custodians there don’t last 2 weeks. Your mom said I can work evenings and do the overnight cooking for the next 2 weeks. April’s Grandpa Jim and Iris were less forgiving. They said, “Just because you aren’t working here after 2 weeks, doesn’t mean that we are not your surety. If you want to stay out of jail, Coward, you have stuff to do here too.” So, it looks like I am going to be working 3 jobs for the next 2 weeks. It doesn’t matter. Cooking isn’t singing, but it is still an art form. It is going to be a lot better than having to clean up after the old folks at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, i cannot b'lieve the way iris is treating u. u know what, i'll bet gerald can talk his dad in2 being yr surety. now that he's not catatonic, he shd b able 2 xplain that the whole "blackmail" thing was a big misunderstanding fr. becks trying 2 help & not nething u were trying 2 do.


  • At 2:41 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I would appreciate any help Gerald can give me, but my impression of Gerald’s father is that he doesn’t take Gerald’s concerns very seriously. I have doubts as to whether Gerald can convince his dad that an adult wasn’t behind that blackmail, particularly when that adult has been accused with 3 assault charges. Anyway, Iris is a little bossy, but at least she doesn’t drug and rape me, and she only tongues me when May is around. Plus, I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but your grandpa Jim and Iris can barely get around, much less do any kind of major cleaning. Their apartment was getting really dirty before I started working there. Think of it as a good thing that I am doing for your family, even if it is under the veil of a threat. OK?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, ok, but tell me if they push it 2 far, cuz if they do i will threaten 2 turn dixie against gramps. i've done if b4, i can do it again.


  • At 2:59 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Just mentioning Dixie gives me Havarti-flavored shivers. Brrr!!

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry abt giving u bad mems. just b glad u don't hafta live w/ol' ratface not-sheltie.


  • At 4:32 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    howie i feel so guilty if i hadn't tried 2 hurry dr. f along by blackmailing him u wouldn't b a slave 2 grandpa jim an' iris now. i don't know how u can stand 2 stay buds with me.

    i m at mom's bakery now they r delivering the new ovens she bought. she spent the rest of the afternoon baking cupcakes. jelly came by every hour and bought a half dozen each time. by now she's eaten at least 2 dozen cupcakes. she's got crumbs all down her front an' stuck 2 her chin. she keeps telling my mom that she's her new best friend. it's creepy.


  • At 4:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becky & i r helping her mom decorate the new bakery. i've been here abt 45 minutes & my mom's been here twice. when she noticed me helping out (after woofing down a batch of choccy cupcakes), she was all, "oh, it's nice 2 c u r being useful, spare-daughter!" then she shook of sum crumbs & sed she'd b back. lol.

    oh, howard just got here & he sez he has sum decorating ideas!


  • At 6:30 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I just thought I would let you know that April is a little upset, and may need some sisterly comfort. Here’s what happened. I got to Krystle's Kakes and Pies and saw how things were. There were no nice tables, chairs or table cloths, just a bunch of folding tables and chairs. The store is adorned with several signs printed off a computer. The new kitchen setup is not separated from the customers. When Becky’s mom Krystle saw me, she said, “Thank God you’re here. I can’t get anything done. That Elly Patterson has been keeping the ovens running nonstop since this morning.” So Krystle, Becky, April and I decided that a little shopping was in order for some furniture, table cloths, and wall decorations. I was going to man the store while the ladies went shopping, but just as they were about to leave, a man from the Milborough Board of Health came in. Krystle said she and the man had a little business to discuss and they left. I decided that we could close the store long enough to do the shopping, but then in came Elly Patterson. She said to me, “Oh Becky’s nice music teacher. Are you working here now?” I said I was. Then she said to April, “You see. Music doesn’t get you enough money to pay the bills. Even your uncle Phil had to take that job at L’Académie St-Denis. Let this be a lesson to you. Now Becky’s nice music teacher, I need some food.” So I gave her all the stuff that Krystle had already made, and started to work on making new things. I have never seen a woman eat so much so fast. Becky and April started to help me, but Elly called them over to her and told them to stay out of my way. Then they started having a really intense and angry conversation that I couldn’t hear over the noise of the ovens, except I heard the name robert freeman occasionally. Every once in awhile Elly would get up and gather together what I had made. I had gone through my recipes for Baklava, beignet, cannoli, cream puffs, crescents, Danish, éclairs, empanadas, kugels, napoleons, nut rolls, butter horns, cheese kugah, maamul, rosettes, strudel, tarts, and turnovers; when Elly paid her bill, grabbed April by the arm and said, “It’s time for you and me to leave this spoiled kid and go home so you can make me some supper. I’m starving.” I looked up and realized that April was crying as she left. Then I noticed that Becky was very upset. I asked her what was wrong, but all she did was to hold me for a long time. She may post what happened, when she calms down.

    So, Elizabeth you may want to post to your sister and find out what happened,

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:15 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well here's the thing howie while u were baking jelly started telling apes that she had a whole long list of chores 4 her 2 do this weekend. an' apes did something really dumb she told jelly "i can't cuz we're playing a gig at robert freeman's house." well jelly went nuts. i guess robert freeman is always trying 2 get discounts when he brings his grandsons in 2 liliputs an' they don't get along 2 good ever since mr freeman told jelly she reminded him of a manatee he saw 1ce at sea world. also, jelly hates my guts. so we had 2 listen 2 her go on an' on abt how hanging out with robert freeman an' a spoiled little slut like becky mcguire wuz gonna turn apes in2 some kind of sick perverted spinster "just like ur sister elizabeth!" an' then where would she get more grandbabies from? apes suggested mike an' jelly went off abt how dee an' mike r 2 selfish all they think abt r their careers an' they prolly won't have nemore kids which frankly i think is a blessing since they don't even really want the 2 they already have.

    so jelly started making ultimatums she went "it's me or those 2 april, u make ur decision!" an' apes goes, "well duh mom, if u put it that way, the answer is obvious" an' jelly just assumed she meant that apes wuz picking her even when she totally wuzn't.

    so apes u need 2 let me know if ur gonna do this gig this weekend or not.


  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh btw liz ur mom raved on an' on abt how it is all candace's fault u r not married yet an' how if she had only kept u frum being exposed 2 such deviants as a kid u would b married an' have like 4 kids by now like a good daughter should.

  • At 7:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, we r on. i don't know how she did it, but liz called mom & got her 2 change her mind abt letting me do that gig! i just heard mom's side, which was like: "oh, hello, liz! my wonderful, adventurous daughter teaching those noble--what's that? did u just tell me 2 shut up? now, young lady, nobody tells me. . . . what's that? no, april is not allowed 2 play that party because. . . . what? r u kidding me? u're not? but liz, u can't--w8, ok? slow down! now, u don't want 2 do nething rash! but. y, yes, of course. okay, i c what u. . . . yes, i know that but. . . . u can't possibly mean. liz! well, that's that, i guess. ok, i will." then she ran upstairz crying. 15 min. l8r, she came back downstairz & sed, "ok, april, u can do that gig saturday nite, but don't think u can laze around doing nothing all day sunday. & don't xpect this 2 lead 2 sum big career. this is just 4 fun. & when u see becky, tell her i sed she's a nice girl." that last part, she practically choked out, but she really did say it.

    so, liz, i don't know what u sed, but i owe u one, sis!


  • At 8:07 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You deserve a big thank you for interceding on behalf of your sister and Becky. Becky was in a lot better mood after she read April’s post about your conversation with your mom. I made you a little something and packed it in dry ice as a thank you and it doesn’t have any part of a bear in it. I’m sending it out tonight with next day service. Don’t let that Jesse Mukwa open it, or you won’t get any.

    I am closing up Krystle's Kakes and Pies for the night. I went through the inventory and you would not believe how much your mother ate today. She consumed 2X a normal woman’s body weight in sugar and flour. I wouldn’t think that would be possible, but I witnessed it myself. She must have an extraordinary metabolism.

    I have made up enough pastries to match your mother’s consumption from today, so with any luck, we might have enough for some other customers tomorrow. After all, if your mother got sick or got mad at Krystle, it would pretty much destroy her business.

    Becky and I are going to do a little shopping for store decorations. I was going to wait for Krystle to come back from her meeting with the Milborough Board of Health man, but Becky said that she probably wouldn’t be back until late. So after we shop, I will stay with Becky until her mother (my new boss) gets home.

    Thanks bunches,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:50 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friends,

    Despite my unfortunate outburst at last night's soiree, I am still feeling quite mellow today. So mellow, in fact, that I forgot to leave the school after the final bell rang. The janitor found me still sitting at my desk around 7:30 pm and sent me home. Oops.

    My father says this is a clear sign of unconscious sexual longings for Mrs. Prescott. He is adding another weekly session with Dr. Krazenfutz.

    Yours sincerely, Gerald

  • At 1:51 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Please be nice to poor Gerald and make sure he gets home from school tomorrow.

    It's late here at Becky's house and her mom still isn't back from her meeting with the Milborough Board of Health man. Becky wasn't worried and said that since Krystle agreed to not bring men home anymore, she frequently does not come back until the next morning. Becky went to sleep a few hours ago and I would like to also, but I am too nervous about Becky's mom. Also, your sister Elizabeth never responded to our posts, so I wonder if she is sick or something.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:49 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    dang well howie an' i r still awake. mom hasn't come home yet which i m used 2 but howie is all freaked. i keep trying 2 tell him that mom prolly just has 2 screw this guy xxxtra good 2 get her permit but then howie sez i shouldn't talk like that an' mayb this permit guy is a psycho an' if she gets raped an' robbed an' killed it's all his fault cuz he should never of let her go in the 1st place. then he sat down in the corner in my bedroom an' pulled his knees up 2 his chest an' wrapped his arms around them an' started rocking an' humming. its kreepy. sorry howie but it's true.

    dang if i worried abt my mom over every stupid thing she does i'd b freaked 24/7.

    i think mayb i will just let howie keep my room 4 humming an' rocking an' i'll sleep on the couch.


  • At 6:15 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    April. I've always got your back.

    Right now I have something to hold over Mom's head, but I can't use it too often or she'll just cease to care about what beans I have to spill. Right now she's being nice, but she'll go back to her evil ways and just pretend all that stuff never happened. It's best if you don't talk too much about Becky and try not to be seen by Mom too much with her.

    Becky, I know April being dishonest about your friendship hurts you. But, please understand, our mother is a sick and demented individual and we all need to do what whe need to do to protect ourselves from her. So if April says things about you or pretends to hate you in front of certain company, please understand it's for you and for April's protection. She's not being weak willed or unwilling to stand up for you, she's just humoring Mom. You can't fight illogical behavior with logic. You can't be straight forward with Mom or you pay and you pay heavily, and you can only stand up to her when you either know something she doesn't want other people to know or have nothing to lose. Right now you and April have too much to lose to stand up to Mom.

    I'm sorry for rambling. And well, I think one of the Mtigians gave mom a tapeworm or something.


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