April's Real Blog

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Watch out for the bear droppings

U know that trick where U cut out pics of eyes and tape them 2 yr eyelids? So when U R so bored U don't know what 2 do U can close yr eyes but still look like U R paying v. v. close attention? Well, Dad & I decided 2 do that this morning. Cuz after yesterday, we had a feeling Ma was just warming up for a week's worth of breakfast reminiscences abt her time w/Liz up north. We were all ready 4 her when she showed up & started yakking away abt berries and bear poops, & we were totally getting away w/this whole eyelid trick. Until Dad started to SNORE. Oh, and DROOL. Boo. Mom had a total fit when she realized we'd been napping. & after she ripped our false eyes off our lids, she told her story all over again. Ugh. So apparently every1 thought it was big funny 2 warn Mom 2 watch out for the steaming mounds o' bear defecation. Now that's comedy. When yr life is terribly, terribly dull that is. Tho my mom admitted that the Jesse kid looked creepy when he laughed with his little stalker tongue sticking out.

NEway, I'm sorry my post is l8 2day. Since my mom had 2 tell her dumb story 2x 2day, I didn't get a chance 2 post B4 school. Then on the bus, Dunc wanted me 2 look @ pics he'd taken of himself & tell him which 1's made him look tough. Well, gotta go B4 I'm caught using my phone during school hrs.



  • At 10:27 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    god ur mom thinks everything natives say is so wise. "don't step in the bear poop" is not a profound statement. duh. i hate when ur mom goes 2 mtigwhatever cuz she always comes back all full of "wisdom."

    my mom is doing a lot better 2day. her pain meds finally kicked in an' she looks pretty good in the tops howard lent her tho she is kinda mad 2 find out that her boobs r now so big she has 2 wear a size 20. she used 2 b a 6 an' so proud of her figure. she is already talking abt mayb having them removed an' "getting a refund." i tried 2 tell her that boobs r a "all sales final" kinda thing but she won't listen. what a freak. neway she admitted that she got the boobs 2 try 2 win dad back. i pointed out 2 her that with all that time in jail dad wuz prolly back 2 being totally gay. this has convinced her 2 definitely get the boob implants removed. which frankly i m happy abt cuz she keeps whacking the new boobs in2 stuff around the house. she already broke that little tv in my bedroom!

    ok gotta go ger is drooling again an' i need 2 wipe his chin an' remind him 2 post. dr. krazenfutz did say he would keep getting better, rite?


  • At 10:38 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, becks, yeah, the doc did say ger wd b getting better & better. i guess he's still having sum side effects, eh?

    wow, when u & i talk abt our moms it's like 2 diff brandz of freak. i'd ask dunc if his 'rents cd adopt us, but then i remember how much they overreacted 2 his legal billz.

    actually it's kind of a shame that those "wise natives" warned my mom abt the bear poops. it wd have been much more sticky-out-tongue funny if she'd stepped ankle deep in2 a big ol' mound of it.


  • At 11:09 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Darling Flower,

    I am doing better. I can almost have feelings again. For example, my heart does that little fluttery thing when I see you. I am hoping for some more improvement though. Everyone keeps telling me that I move very slow. I get shoved a lot in the halls.

    Regards, Gerald

  • At 11:15 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Don't worry about those Mtigians. She also told her the bear poop makes a good age reducing mask. Though I guess mom will be throwing the jar of stuff she took home now that she realizes she can get senior citizen discounts. If you see her trying to give it to Connie...Well, Just give Connie a heads up because Jesse's aunt was just pulling Mom's leg.

    Mom was drooling so badly at the thought of fresh berry pie that people were kinda scared of her. And Vivian was ticked because Mom cleaned me out of food while she was here, them moved on to Viv's stash. I heard Jesse singing the following: "She Who Carries Wideload can really put away that food. She's like a bear preparing for hibernation. Oh. That's why she smells like bear $h*t."

  • At 12:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, liz, 2 funny! i will def warn connie cuz u know ma will b running over there 2 impart her new "native wisdom" abt bear sh*t. rotflmao!

    i'm not surprised ma cleaned u out like that. ever since she's been back, she's been making me bake, bake, bake, & on top of that, she sendz dad out 2 buy treats fr. the bakery. that woman is nev. full!


  • At 12:11 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    lol well u know my mom is a chef. she always wanted 2 open up her own business but she worries cuz food-related businesses go bankrupt a lot. well we were sitting around talking the other day b4 she went in 4 surgery an' she wuz saying that she thinks she's gonna go 4 it neway cuz she's tired of working 4 "the man." i suggested she open a bakery called "krystle's kakes an' pies" cuz she'll do a booming business just frum ur mom alone. she sez she's gonna get started as soon as she's feeling a little better.

    tell ur mom, apes! i really want mom's new biz 2 succeed i'm hoping it will make her a happier person. an' ur mom's cash would really make her happy.


  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, i will totally tell my mom. btw, i think there's a storefront available abt half a block fr. my mom's store. u know she'll go there abt 20x a day if yr mom opens her biz there. :)


  • At 12:18 PM, Anonymous marjee mahaha said…

    April, now I understand what yr mom was on about yesterday when I stopped by her store to buy some cards and stationery. She ran up to me and was like "Nicenativegirl! I am so happy to see you! I feel so close to you since my Liz is practically native herself, teaching all the precious yet precocious and wise native children up in Mtigwaki! You bring your purchases right up to me when you are ready, so I can give you the family discount!" And she hugged me. Weird.


  • At 2:28 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    yeah i called mom at lunch 2 tell her abt the storefront. she wuz out at her docs getting a consultation abt removing the boobs, an' she sed she'd swing by on her way home. tx 4 the tip.


  • At 3:03 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am so glad that your mother is feeling better. It was hard to see her in so much pain last night. One of the singers in the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera was a transgender who had gotten implants about the same size as your mom’s and suffered from terrible back pain, so she got them removed. It can be done, but probably not so soon after just having them put in. I told your mom last night that I would take in some of those outfits that I gave her, so she could get her waist back. I did a few this morning that you can pick up when you come for supper tonight.

    All this talk about bear feces reminded me of a few ladies I remember seeing in Mtigwaki selling dolls and figurines, with a peculiar odor to them. Kortney thought they were cute and asked what they were made of. They responded Ursidae Carnivora Faex. She was going to buy one when I told her that was Latin for bear feces. I am not surprised they made the substance into an age reducing mask. The Mtigwakians are a nasty people.

    Anyway, the septic system blew in the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace, and I have been cleaning up waste material and listening to complaining seniors all day. Old people really love their toilets. If your mom gets "Krystle's Kakes and Pies" going, I would much rather work there. I think I’ll make a few pastries tonight, so you can see if you can recommend my cooking to her. I have only done Beaver tails for you, but I can make other stuff. Let me know if you have any preferences.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:08 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    wow mom just called she signed a lease on that store u told her abt apes! apparently she told the realtor abt her idea an' he goes "with jelly fatterson down the street u will make a mint!" an' gave her a break on the rent in exchange 4 a kickback when the $$$ starts 2 gush down the street frum liliputs in2 the bakery. mom sed she just had 2 jump on that deal.

    plus now that mom is nearby we can hear a lot more krazee jelly fatterson stories!


    p.s.--i guess mom is having the boobs taken out. she sez the doc is gonna give her some cash 4 the implants i guess he can reuse them. i guess some exotic dancers like the real big sizes an' like 2 buy them used 2 save $$$. also i think mayb mom agreed 2 go on a few dates with the doc cuz she sez he's throwing the surgery in 4 free. she is so weird.

  • At 3:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, that is so cube abt yr mom getting a break on that lea$e. i hafta help @ the store 4 a little while after school 2day so i'll tell mom then. she will b so xcited. then i'll stop by yr house so we can go 2 howard's party 2gether.

    howard, i can't blame u 4 wanting 2 change jobs. that soundz so nasty @ the odefoax home. as 4 the dessert stuff, i m sure whatev u make will b good. oh, ger & dunc want 2 know if they can come 2 but they were 2 shy 2 ask themselves.

    marjee, my mom is on a total native kick now. i'm sorry she was so freaky 2 u, but i guess @ least u got a discount.


  • At 4:03 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    howie i talked 2 mom abt u going 2 work 4 her. she is ok with it but she sez she can't afford an employee rite off the bat. she sez u will have 2 wait a little while. she is starting totally cheapo just dragging her oven frum home 2 the store. it's weird she's a chef but she never, ever cooks 4 me at home.

    i guess that store has been sitting empty 4 awhile cuz they r letting mom move in rite away. she sez she will start by baking cookies 2morrow an' hanging out a sign she printed off my puter. i think she is going 2 count on the jelly fatterson cash 2 grow the business.


  • At 4:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so i'm @ becky's now helping her make signs 4 her mom. i told my mom abt the bake shop & she's totally pumped abt it, lol. mom was so busy talking abt liz & noble natives, she hardly had any work 4 me 2 do after school 2day. just unpacking some new bks & stuff like that.

    neway, becks & i will b leaving 4 howard's party soon. he called fr. the odefoax place 2 say it was ok 4 ger & dunc 2 go, so they're mtg us there.


  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am home from the grocery and have started cooking. Come on over. In addition to you, April, Gerald, and Duncan; I also invited Kimmi LaSalle, Jeremy Jones, Vicki Simone, Marjee Mahaha and Maynard Mahoney. I am going to make enough food so it won’t matter who shows up. I should have enough for you to take home for your mother, just so she can get a sample of my cooking. Did you guys need a ride to my apartment?

    By the by, I did invite your mother, but she said she was too busy setting up "Krystle's Kakes and Pies” to come. I was impressed she is getting that business going so quickly. Usually, you have to apply for a business licence and with a place where food is stored, prepared, or sold for human consumption, you have to have the place and its equipment examined before you can start. Maybe she knows a way around that stuff.

    See you soon,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so i'm posting this fr. howard's place. ger & dunc were w8ing 4 us when we got there. kimmi got here rite aft. we did (her 'rents don't know dunc is here), & marjee just walked in w/maynard & vicki. u shd see the outfit howard has on! but i will let him describe it himself. mm, he's passing out sum mini-quiches. i luv those thingz. oh, & jeremy jones just walked in. he rolled his eyez @ me but smiled as soon as he saw becks. going now. howard wants 2 do a sing-along!


  • At 6:29 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    howie, u should know by now that my family doesn't worry abt stuff like the law. bsides i heard mom on the telephone flirting with some guy an' saying something like "oh that's so kind of u 2 waive those requirements 4 me, i'm sure i can think of some way 2 pay u back," so mayb that wuz the health and license guy. that would b pretty standard 4 how mom does all kinds of business.


  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    Jesse's aunt was just playing a joke on Mom about the bear feces. I have never seen any thing made of strange substances, so I wonder if they were pulling a joke on you and Kortney.

  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    Jesse's aunt was just playing a joke on Mom about the bear feces. I have never seen any thing made of strange substances, so I wonder if they were pulling a joke on you and Kortney.

  • At 7:27 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I was reading your post and got this strange sense of déjà vu. You may be right about the bear feces dolls. I wouldn’t put anything past those Mtigwakians. They have a very odd sense of humour. I think you are a saint for educating them, with all that practical joking. It must be very trying.

    I am sorry you are stuck in Mtigwaki and can’t come to my get-out-of-jail party. So, I will let you know how the party is going. I am wearing my bright red Carmen outfit, with matching red sandals and red castanets tied around my wrist. I also have on my favorite long Carmen wig, with the hair that goes down to my waist. I look just like a slutty Senorita who works in a cigarette factory, except without the smell. I think I look pretty hot, but I am pretty sure that the guys here don’t agree.

    I tried to do a sing-along of favorite opera choruses, but only Becky seemed interested, and I think was just pretending. So, I brought out the supper, we started off with wild mushroom soup, Silesian dumplings, and the Kelpfroth family potato and cheese pierogies, and a beef tenderloin served with mushroom sauce (mushrooms were on sale at the grocery). Then I brought out my pastry tray that I made to impress Becky, so she can recommend me to her mother. We had Swans, Napoleans, Frangipane Boats, Chambord Slices, and Eclairs.

    We retired to my living room and everyone has kind of coupled up (Becky and Jeremy, April and Gerald, Duncan and Kimmi, Marjee and Maynard). I sat with Vicki Simone, so she wouldn’t feel left out. Then I suggested a good old-fashioned game of Truth or Dare.
    Kimmi started out and chose truth. I gave her the question:
    “Who is most beautiful person you know (inside and out)?”
    Kimmi blushed and said, “Duncan. He’s so kind and nice and good-looking. He sings really good and like the way his big purple lips look when he sings.” Duncan got really embarrassed by this.

    Kimmi picked Duncan next. He also chose truth and she asked him, “What is your most romantic dream?” He said, “That private rainbow party you’ve been talking about. I dream about that every night.” Then he was embarrassed again.

    Everyone took a turn and not everyone chose “truth,” but someone else is going to have to post it to you. I have to serve up some after dinner drinks.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so dunc chooses me & i say "truth." he wants 2 know the scariest thing i've ev. seen. i tell abt the time ma came running out of the shower stark naked cuz the phone was ringing & she thot no1 else was home. i didn't hear the phone cuz i had headphonez on. she nearly ran me ov. on the way 2 the phone.

    i chose becks, who also did "truth." i asked her abt her worst fear. she's afraid she'll stay in mboro & b pathetic. she then asks jeremy jones, who says "dare." but becks wants 2 tell the rest.


  • At 9:37 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok so i dared jeremy 2 kiss apes with tongue. i thought that would be funnee cuz every1 knows that jer doesn't like apes. well i wuz surprized cuz jer grabs apes an' dips her back an' kisses her like in the movies. i swear i thought his tongue wuz caught in her esophagus or something. well ger totally freaked he is still kinda spaced out but even with all that 'zac on board he still knew enuff 2 b pissed that sum other guy wuz sucking face with his lady. so ger jumped on jer's back an' started wailing on him it wuz more activity in 1 minute then ger has done in like 2 weeks. he wuz yelling something like "the a only goes 2 1st base with the c!" i have 2 admit i wuz pretty pissed 2. so i tried 2 dive in between apes an' jer an' i ended up whacking heads with both of them an' i think all 3 of us saw stars just like were coming out mom's boobs last nite. i know i did. jer fell backwards on top of ger an' that made ger fall face-first in2 marjee's lap. marjee screamed an' maynard got all mad. maynard grabbed ger by the collar an' started shaking him like a rag doll. marjee screamed "no stop ur killing him! u don't need another manslaughter charge!" but maynard wouldn't listen. he kept yelling about how "the little perv" wuz trying 2 "go down" on marjee. marjee kept yelling "maynard, he's just a child! he doesn't even know what cunnilingus is yet! for the love of god!"

    while all this wuz going on, i guess vicki freaked an' tried 2 call 911. but howie had 2 stop her cuz if the cops come 2 his house while he's out on bail he's toast 4 sure. i guess he wuz a little 2 eager 2 stop her cuz when he dove 4 the phone he tripped an' fell an' they went down like dominos howie fell on vicki an' vicki fell on marjee an' marjee fell on maynard an' maynard dropped ger, then fell on him.

    it wuz a long time b4 we all were conscious again. jeremy apologized he sed he wuz just trying 2 play a joke. i have asked him 2 please not try 2 b funny nemore. at least not until our concussions heal.


    p.s.--the food wuz super excellent tho.

  • At 9:39 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear Friends,

    Will someone please tell me what cunnilingus is?

    Many thanks, Gerald

  • At 9:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i think we're all sore after that! so i think jeremy promised not 2 try 2 do comedy nemore. wow, it seemz like all these crazee thingz alwayz happ when we all get 2gether!

    apes, who's gonna sleep well 2nite

  • At 10:11 PM, Blogger howard said…


    After our little injury session, our after dinner drinks consisted mainly of water and headache medicine. I think I was the most uninjured because Vicki, Marjee, Maynard, and Gerald cushioned my fall. April was a little angry with Becky for doing a dare with Jeremy kissing her in front of Gerald, but she got over it pretty quickly. She is very mature for her age. Maynard wanted to leave, but Marjee talked him out of it.

    I said that the new rule is that the dare cannot include any kind of physical intimacy. (That probably should have been the rule in the first place, but who knew Jeremy would actually kiss April. Not me.) It was Jeremy’s turn and he chose Vicki. Vicki chose truth. Jeremy asked her what guy in the room she would most want to be with. Vicki turned pale and said she was doing dare instead. So Jeremy said for her to eat a piece of meat, knowing that she is a vegetarian. Vicki said she wasn’t doing that. So, it was time for the penalty, when you don’t do either truth or dare. The group decided that we would go outside and that I would have to hold hands with Vicki and sing a love song to her, out where everyone could see her and what I was wearing. We went out to the parking lot and I sang Vicki this song:

    Vicki Simone
    She’s the cubest girl I’ve known.
    She’s so cute and not a crone.
    She’s strong and has a backbone.
    Her voice is sweet, not monotone.
    Deserves to be upon a throne.
    Her half-sis Marjee chaperones
    Her to concerts, she’s not alone.
    Eating meat she won’t condone.
    Her library job she bemoans.
    Ottawa used to be her home.
    Milborough now where she roams.

    It wasn’t very long before people started staring at us from their apartment windows and calling out. Vicki was really embarrassed, but I think she liked the attention a little. Maynard said he wanted some coffee, so someone else needs to post now while I brew some up.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 11:16 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becky sayz it’s my turn 2 say wut happened next. howard drove us home, an’ i am posting fr. there be4 i go 2 bed. becky iz still mad at me 4 kissing apeface. it’s not like i wanted 2. it wuz her idea, u know an’ i cd tell that apeface liked it. so i don’t know wut the big deal iz. i told that idiot geriatric forshit wut cunnilingus iz. u shd have seen the look on hiz face. “u mean u put ur mouth there?” he iz such a ‘tard. well vicki simone picked maynard an’ he chose truth. she sed, “were u really charged w. manslaughter?” an’ maynard sed, “yeah, but the police cdn’t make it stick. i wuz w. marjee the whole time. isn’t that rite marjee?” an’ marjee givez him this look like she wants 2 do manslaughter on him. it wuz so funny i laughed, but becky hit me on the shoulder. so then maynard picks marjee an’ she sayz truth. so he sayz 2 her, who’z the best man u’ve ever been w.? an’ marjee looks rite at him an’ sayz “howard.” well howard gasped at this. then marjee says, “i’m going home.” it wuz weird. that ended the party, except gerbil kept on saying, “i haven’t had a turn.” vicki left w. marjee an’ maynard an’ howard drove the rest of us home. these howard parteez r always crazee. i can’t w8 till the next 1.


Post a Comment

<< Home