October Letters
Okay, so it's that time again. October letters from my fam are up again, & again my mom's done some editing. Not 2 bad this time, but still.
My letter: "What grows around comes around!" I sooooo did not write that. Thanx 4 throwing in that lame & senseless line, Ma. Oh, & U know Y our computer has a virus? Cuz my stoopid 'rents open every friggin' attachment they get in e-mail. Duh. And also, the original version of my "Jeremy Jones" paragraph went like this:
Liz: I will let Liz write in about her letter, cuz she told me she wants 2 B the one 2 xplain it & let us know which parts Mom changed, etc.
Mom: So I'm more "headstrong" than Mike or Liz? Is that code meaning that I have a spine? Oh, & Mom? Your "but I most of them had turned" makes no sense. MayB U shd spend less energy "editing" my letter & work on yr own a bit harder. & so Mom's l8est fiction about me & Becky is that now we R only on "casual speaking terms". Whatevs, mom. & how lame is her theory abt team sports. BTW, I'll bet U won't B surprised 2 hear that Mom's big "author" breakfast was just an xcuse 4 Jelly Fatterson 2 gorge on more baked goods. She actually wrestled a danish out of Margaret Atwood's hands!
Dad: Oooh, I m soooooooooooooo rebellious! Please, as teens go, I'm pretty mild, doncha think? & Dad? Y oh Y do U keep going on & on abt this Ted guy that U barely know? Is this part of yr campaign 2 seem like U have interests other than trains? I swear that's the only reason he took up jogging, so he'd have something other than trains 2 write abt in the montlies.
Mike: Y on earth do U & Dee celebrate yr fakey-wedding anniversary insteada yr real 1? Bizarro. Oh, & yeah, we get it, U R like the best writer evah. Except in yr letters U don't seem like U can write v. well.
Dee: Oh, rite, poor, overworked Mike. Save yr energy 4 filling those scrips accurately, insteada making my bf OD on Prozac. Mike deserves about zero sympathy, if U ask me (& I know U totally did!).
Gramps/Iris: Iris bought a new dress! Zzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, & I tried that recipe of hers, but then Mom gobbled it up B4 I even had a chance to taste.
Pets: Hey, U know I had a long passage in their about Dixie & her havarti-cheese shits, but Mom cut that part out. She said the doody jokes R, like, her domain. So, boring pet letter again. I don't blame U if U wanna just skip over them.
Apes
My letter: "What grows around comes around!" I sooooo did not write that. Thanx 4 throwing in that lame & senseless line, Ma. Oh, & U know Y our computer has a virus? Cuz my stoopid 'rents open every friggin' attachment they get in e-mail. Duh. And also, the original version of my "Jeremy Jones" paragraph went like this:
A couple of days ago, when I was walking home from the store, I ran into Jeremy Jones holding hands with Becky. They looked soooooooo cute! We talked about our gig @ the Freemans coming up this weekend & Jeremy mentioned Becky's demo tape. She was kinda shy about it.I don't know Y Mom thought she had 2 go & change that, but it totally soundz like Jeremy was w/a girl other than Becks, so I wanted 2 clear that up.
Liz: I will let Liz write in about her letter, cuz she told me she wants 2 B the one 2 xplain it & let us know which parts Mom changed, etc.
Mom: So I'm more "headstrong" than Mike or Liz? Is that code meaning that I have a spine? Oh, & Mom? Your "but I most of them had turned" makes no sense. MayB U shd spend less energy "editing" my letter & work on yr own a bit harder. & so Mom's l8est fiction about me & Becky is that now we R only on "casual speaking terms". Whatevs, mom. & how lame is her theory abt team sports. BTW, I'll bet U won't B surprised 2 hear that Mom's big "author" breakfast was just an xcuse 4 Jelly Fatterson 2 gorge on more baked goods. She actually wrestled a danish out of Margaret Atwood's hands!
Dad: Oooh, I m soooooooooooooo rebellious! Please, as teens go, I'm pretty mild, doncha think? & Dad? Y oh Y do U keep going on & on abt this Ted guy that U barely know? Is this part of yr campaign 2 seem like U have interests other than trains? I swear that's the only reason he took up jogging, so he'd have something other than trains 2 write abt in the montlies.
Mike: Y on earth do U & Dee celebrate yr fakey-wedding anniversary insteada yr real 1? Bizarro. Oh, & yeah, we get it, U R like the best writer evah. Except in yr letters U don't seem like U can write v. well.
Dee: Oh, rite, poor, overworked Mike. Save yr energy 4 filling those scrips accurately, insteada making my bf OD on Prozac. Mike deserves about zero sympathy, if U ask me (& I know U totally did!).
Gramps/Iris: Iris bought a new dress! Zzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, & I tried that recipe of hers, but then Mom gobbled it up B4 I even had a chance to taste.
Pets: Hey, U know I had a long passage in their about Dixie & her havarti-cheese shits, but Mom cut that part out. She said the doody jokes R, like, her domain. So, boring pet letter again. I don't blame U if U wanna just skip over them.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 2:51 PM
7 Comments:
At 5:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol, becks, i'd h8 me 2 if i were really like that. ick. u don't hafta apologize abt that comment fr. mom. she's letting comments like that slip out all the time, so i'm, like, used 2 it.
& rotflmao abt that ring.
apes
At 6:07 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, so mom was in on the prozac-od thing, or @ least knew abt it! what an effed-up fam i'm in! becks, is yr mom adopting?
apes
p.s. i'm posting fr. becky's garage, where we r rehearsing. dunc decided 2 show up afterall. he brought gerald in a wagon!
At 6:43 PM,
howard said…
April,
Well my mommy and daddy are now also my surety. They have some strange ideas about me, but it is so much better to be talking than not talking. Anyway, this is what happened.
I met my lawyer and my parents at the courtroom. My lawyer had already arranged a court time to change sureties and the whole thing was done rather quickly. I think the judge wanted to go home for supper or something. Then we went back to my lawyer’s office to work out the details of their surety responsibilities. When we got there my mother was saying, “Oh Howard. When your father and I found out that you were arrested for sexually assaulting 3 different women, we had to be there for you.”
My father said, “Hrmph.”
My mom said, “I told your father that this is a sign that you have finally realized you were meant to be straight. 3 women sexually assaulted. Your father and I are so proud.”
My father said, “Hrmph.”
My mom said, “I just knew sending you to school in Milborough was the right thing to do. My sainted mother (May she rest in peace) told me that if you want to convert a gay, Milborough is the place to go and she was obviously right.”
My father said, “Hrmph.”
My mom said, “And your lawyer tells us you almost got married to a girl in Las Vegas. Your father and I are so glad you waited. We would have been so upset not to be there for your big day.”
My father said, “Hrmph.”
My mom said, “And your lawyer tells us that you had an affair with one of your sureties – a nice, single girl from a well-to-do family. Your father and I know that since you turned straight you must have more women than you can handle.”
My father said, “Hrmph.”
My mom said, “And your lawyer tells us that you have given up performing opera. You are so talented with the music. I am sure that you will be learning Bobby Curtola songs in no time at all.”
I said, “No. No. No. I HAVE AND WILL ALWAYS HATE BOBBY CURTOLA!!!”
My father said, “Your lawyer tells us that you have some sort of cockamamie defence about being hired by your gay former employers to assault this Elizabeth Patterson, who filed the original charges. Is that true?”
I said it was.
My father said, “Do you still wear dresses?”
I said I did.
My father said, “Do you still prefer men to women?”
I said I did.
My father said, “How many men have you been with in the last month?”
I said, “Counting men I met in jail?”
My father said, “Not counting jail time. Everybody gets it in jail.”
I said, “OK. Not counting jail time, none.”
My mother gave a little cheer. Then my father said, “And how many women have you been with in the last month, NOT counting jail time?”
I said, “Conscious or unconscious?”
My father said, “Either one. Lord knows I have slept through sex with your mother often enough.” My mother made a nervous giggling noise.
I said, “At least 2, and possibly 3.”
My mother gave another little cheer. My dad gave me a big hug and said, “Son, welcome back to the family.”
Anyway, I took mom and dad back to their hotel. I am going to get together with them after I finish working my shift at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. It has been a really good day.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:26 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I hope the rehearsal is going well. I wish I could be there to hear you, but it is probably better that I am not, since you guys will be on your own tomorrow at the Robert Freeman party.
Soon after I got here, I could tell that a change had come over your mother. She didn’t greet with as long an open mouth kiss as she usually does and she was making a Victoria sponge cake and singing to herself the Health Song.
Health Song
(Sung to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat")
Milk, Meat, Bread and Fruit
These will help me grow.
To be strong, tall, and well.
Health from head to toe.
The guy from the Milborough Board of Health came in and she gave him the Victoria sponge cake and she said, “I made this for you, my honey bunch of oats. Your favorite, Victoria sponge cake.” Then he said, “Oh that’s so sweet of you, my little sugar cake dumpling.” I said to Krystle, “Do you need me to stay overnight with Becky again?” She said, “That’s so nice of you to ask Howard, but Becky is having friends over tonight for a band practice, so you won’t need to. They’ll be perfectly fine. See you tomorrow.” Then she left with the Milborough Board of Health guy.
Anyway, I was planning to spend some time with my folks after my shift here. If your mother isn’t home after you guys finish practising, let me know and I’ll come over.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 8:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, so we r taking a break now. becks wants 2 rehearse 4 another hr & then call it a nite. i think she sounds fantastic, but u know she's a total perfectionist & she's also hard on herself. we're doing sum hard songs, but it's going well.
now that ger is adjusting his dosage he's starting 2 get pissed abt dee & that petunia chick 4 messing w/his scrip. he sez if dee ev. shows up @ megafood she'll b in such trub!
dunc had his cornrows put in rite b4 he came over here. becks sez he looks kinda cute that way, but don't worry kimmi, becks only has eyez 4 jeremy these days.
well, we're abt 2 start up again. btw, becky asked me 2 stay over 2nite & my mom sed it was ok as long as i'm back home brite & early 2morrow 2 hear more of her lame travelogue. yawnzers.
apes
At 9:18 PM,
howard said…
April,
Well I just got a late night visit from your mother. She came in to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies and said, “I need to talk to you, Becky’s nice music teacher.” I said OK, since there was no one else in the store, and plus, your mother has been single-handedly keeping the place in the black financially, so I felt an obligation to be nice to her.
She started out, “My darling extra daughter, little April May-rion called and said she was spending the night with your music student Becky tonight. John and I never know from one day to the next whether she's in the band or not, and she's only on casual speaking terms with Becky. One day her band is broken up because Becky quits, the next day they are all playing together on television. It’s very confusing.” I said that I believed that your band was playing back up to Becky at the Robert Freeman party.
Your mother went on, “Of course we’ve known Becky for a long time, and we know that she is a good kid; but I can’t help remember when Becky got little April May-rion to start acting like those awful Spice Girls. I just know that Becky is going to lead our little April May-rion to meet the wrong people. Did you know that they have a police officer in residence at their high school, and the canine unit patrols the hallway on occasion? And it’s not one of those nice canines like Edgar or Dixie or Sera. No, those dogs they use can bite someone. If my darling extra daughter, little April May-rion comes home with a dog bite, I just know it will be Becky’s fault.” I said that surely the teachers there help protect the kids from the dogs.
Your mother responded, “The teachers there at the high school have such heavy workloads that they are unable to offer kids the individual protection from bad influences they need. There were a couple of horrible stories this summer about teachers with so much work to do, they passed away in their classrooms and nobody noticed that they were missing until their end of the semester grades were due.” “How awful,” I said.
Then she went on, “Not only that but students have been expelled from the high school for violent behaviour. The school adopted their uniform policy to try to combat the wildness, but I think they forget that high school students are nothing more than big-brained apes. Also, they ignore the main culprit for all the problems in high schools today.” I said, “What is that?” Your mother said, “Team sports.” I was astounded and said, “How can that be?” Your mother said, “Team sports combine physical contact (war) with food. It is only one step away from cannibalism and total anarchy.” I was dumbfounded. Your mother went on, “I’m so glad my real daughter, Liz, teaches at her remote school; where’s there's only poverty, conflict, isolation, rampant drug and alcohol abuse and blueberry scones to deal with. Do you have any more scones?”
At this point, she ate several dozen scones and said, “It was so good talking to you again, Becky’s nice music teacher.” She got up and said, “I have to check on my husband now. He is probably in front of our house playing with his trains.” She pulled out an electronic monitoring device and said, “I always know where my husband is! Some of my friends have had to learn to love golf, others sniff shirt collars and check financial records hoping not to find what they clearly suspect is true! I prefer to use a GPS tracking system. My web designer, Stephanie, showed me how to use it.” Then she left. As usual it is always interesting talking to your mother.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 11:22 PM,
howard said…
Elizabeth,
Thank you so much for trying on my behalf. The situation in Milborough is difficult, so I understand very well why you couldn’t drop the charges.
We have come a long way since the time I first met you and assaulted you. I lost my job, my lover, my friends, my lifestyle, the opera that I truly love and I was beaten up a number of times; but it was worth it to know that you do not bear me any ill will. I admit that when I read your letter where it said, “That freak has been doing this for a while.” And” Tough luck for Howard the Jerk” I was concerned that you had a lot of pent up aggression and anger still left toward me. I hope that you have not been having nightmares about the assault, but I know I have had some. I will have to try that jogging that seems to work for you.
As for your sister April, I think that your mother does truly care for her. Otherwise she would not have gone on and on about how she is concerned for her well-being. I just wish she would stop calling her leftover and extra. I know that your mother blames April for her proboscis growth. I saw pictures of your mother when she was younger at your Grandpa Jim’s apartment, so I know the growth was significant. I have never had my nose grow like that, but I can imagine it could have damaged your mother’s self-image quite a bit. Maybe you could talk to her about rhinoplasty.
I read in your letter you had fresh baked bannock covered in blueberries. That sounds so much better than that nasty baloney I had with my bannock when I was in Mtigwaki.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
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