April's Real Blog

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Traditional iPods

OMG, 4 sum reason Mom was snoring xtra loud last nite. Her snores practically shook the whole house & U cd hear them in every room. So I didn't get NE sleep & of course neither did Dad (who was rite next 2 that buzzsaw noise all nite). So after that, I really wasn't in the mood 2 hear Mom's next installment of "Mtiggy history & culture". I cd tell Dad totally wanted 2 do the "fake eyelid" trick fr. the other day, but Mom's on2 us & she actually inspects our eyelids now B4 she starts talking.

So NEway, Mom told us abt a powwow & emphasised that they had a BIG FEAST! Liz told me that Mom tried 2 eat everything that wasn't nailed down @ that feast & the noble natives were so, so sorry she'd been invited. Liz had pointed out 2 Mom that these gatherings alwayz include a "traditional giving of gifts", & Mom practically bust a gut when she overheard that 1 of the Mtiggies had given another 1 an iPod as his "traditional gifts". Cuz, U know, modern tech meets traditional giftgiving. & I'm gonna go catch the WHATEVER train now, Ma.

So big, big thanks go out 2 Liz 4 whatever it was she sed 2 Ma 2 keep her from 4bidding me 2 play the Freeman gig this weekend. Liz totally has something on her, but she doesn't know how much play she'll B able 2 get from it. But NEway, Liz, U rock!

Well, I'd better go. I C Gerald kinda drifting down the hall & I've gotta keep a closer eye on him since he 4got 2 go home last nite until the custodian found him @ 7:30. Yikers.



  • At 2:00 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I finally got to work at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace after a harrowing night and even worse morning. Krystle never came home last night and it took forever to get Becky to sleep. She posted about that rocking thing I do to calm down. Thanks Becky. So this morning after my getting no sleep, I found that Krystle did not have any food in the house. So I took Becky to the Krystle’s Kakes and Pies shop and made her breakfast there and then took her to school. Becky called her mother’s cell phone several times and got no reply.

    So I go back to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies, thinking she might show up there for her business. I am not there for more than a few minutes when that guy she was with last night from the Milborough Board of Health comes with a couple of health inspectors. He is really mad about something and says that because of something Krystle did to him last night, he was going to make her store his personal project. I was really glad that Becky and I had put in the new stuff we bought last night and given the place a thorough cleaning. The inspectors started to say they were going to confiscate the food, when there was this horrible shriek from the door. It was your mother. She said, “You can’t confiscate the food! I need that to survive!” Then in short order she purchased every single item that I had made the previous night and said to me, “I am so glad you finally stocked the store properly, Becky's nice music teacher.” Well the health inspectors were in such a state of shock from your mother’s rate of consumption that they stopped inspecting. Anyway, Krystle has a couple of electrical wiring concerns to deal with, that I will probably look at fixing tonight.

    After all the inspectors left, then in strolls Krystle and says, “Are they all gone?” I said that they were. She said, “Well. I had a hell of a night, but you better get off to work Howard.” So I left and asked her to contact Becky to let her know she was all right. I am really tired now. I had to clean some prune Danishes out of the air filtration system. I don’t know how those seniors got them up there.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:24 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh no! now i m totally freaked what will we do if the health guys shut the store down? they sold my dad's business 2 pay the back alimony an' child support so that's it if this business goes down mom an' i r gonna b broke. i think i'm gonna have 2 try that hum-an'-rock thing u do howie.

    well i have 2 get 2 the store an' start working. apes plz make sure ger gets home.


  • At 2:27 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friends,

    I am a little concerned about my medical situation. I was hoping that the Prozac would reduce my sexual urges, but it has killed them entirely. Certain equipment has not so much as stirred ever since I started taking it. I feel no burning passionate amour for anything other than the Punic Wars and the dots in the ceiling tiles at school. Would you guys start a petition to get Dr. Krazenfutz to lower my dosage again? I would do it myself but I know it will take about 100 years at the rate I'm going. It's taken me the whole school day to just write this post.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

  • At 3:02 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky can tell you all about techniques to hide medicine and make people think that you have taken it. I was like you one time, and spent the better part of a year semi-catatonic until I learned the hiding medicine technique. Fake-swallowing is good. Hiding the medicine between your cheek and gum until you can get alone to spit it out. And of course there is the favorite of substituting candy medicine for the real stuff. All those worked for me. Give it a try. Also, when you are thinking about the Punic wars, replace the "n" with a "b" and see if that helps.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 4:11 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Your description of your mother eating at the Mtigwaki pow-wow reminded me of when Kortney and I ate at the diner there called the Moose Caboose. I went in expecting to see a menu with moose or deer meat or fish, or my personal favorite, fry bread. Instead the menu said:

    Corn soup & scone - $4
    Buffalo Burger - $5
    Indian Taco - $6
    Baloney & Bannock $4

    I asked the waitress about the items on the menu and she said that all the items were imported from the outside except for the Baloney and Bannock. So I ordered that and 2 guys came out with a portable stove, one with stringy long hair and a grungy old cap and the other with braids and a "Billy Jack" hat. The stringy haired guy started making the baloney. The braided guy started making the bannock. They were bantering back and forth the whole time saying things like, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 5 days…I didn’t want to interrupt her while she was talking!!!” and stuff like that. It was kind of funny in an odd way. After they were done cooking, Kortney said to them, “I noticed you guys have traditional native haircuts. Why do all the other men around here have their hair cut so short?” They said, “Natives and white people have many things in common, like iPods, needing to pay for roof repairs, and bad haircuts. We are just like you in every way, except we are nobler.”

    It was an interesting dining experience.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 4:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry i haven't been posting comments 2day, peeps. i have just been feeling so yuck 2day w/my no-sleep nite.

    i escorted gerald fr. our last class 2 the bus, & when i asked him whether he wanted 2 go home or come w/me 2 the store, he chose the store. ger's so not-himself that my mom didn't ev. realise it was him @ 1st & she praised me 4 making another "special-needs friend". i was gonna correct her, but i decided against it cuz i can use any "goodie" points w/her i can get.

    after i helped beatrice w/the inventory & dusted the shelves, mom sed i cd go, so ger & i went 2 krystle's kakes 2 help becks. she sed the whole thing w/that health guy was some kinda misunderstanding, but i was sorta complicated, so i will let her xplain it herself. neway, when we saw my mom abt 2 come thru the door, i ducked behind the counter & pulled ger down w/me. i tried 2 get him 2 b quiet, but he started 2 recite a buncha stuff abt the punic wars.

    mom was like, "i'll have 2 dozen bear claws, a tray of baklava, and. . . ."

    gerald (behind the counter): "the greatest naval power of the mediterranean in the 3rd century b.c.e. was the north african city of carthage near modern day tunis. the carthaginians were originally phoenicians and carthage was a colony founded by the phoenician capital city of tyre in the ninth century b.c.e.; the word 'carthage' means, in phoenician, 'the new city'. the phoenicians, however. . . ."

    mom's all,"what does this have 2 do w/pastries?" then ger stands up & mom's like, "oh, u r that 'special' boy i just met @ the store. it's so wonderful that krystle mcguire, my new best bud, gave a job 2 a nice special-needs boy". becky started 2 correct her abt gerald's specialness, but i looked up & shook my head so she stopped. after my mom left, we were totally lol.


  • At 5:36 PM, Blogger howard said…


    "no-sleep nite"? What did you do last night after Elizabeth called your mom? I thought everything was all settled between the two of you. You didn't stay up all night worried about Becky's mom, did you?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 5:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no, it was my mom's super-loud snoring that boomed through the house & kept me awake. :(

  • At 6:34 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I remember reading that now. My brain is also a little fuzzy from lack of sleep. I have to stay a little bit later at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace tonight to make up for the time I spent at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies this morning, so I don't know if I will get over there while you are still there. Your grandpa Jim has been having me put his National Geographics in Mylar bags and sorting them in chronological order. Iris had me fix an old kitchen gadget she picked up in some yard sale. They have been sitting on their balcony with Frank and May Thomas making catty comments about the neighbours most of the day. May and Iris were talking about Gerald and how bad he looked last weekend. I think that they are planning something for yours and my “courtship,” so if you get anything that an old woman would find romantic with my name on it, that’s probably the source.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, that xplains the fugly brooch i got with the card "signed yr admirer".


  • At 7:04 PM, Blogger howard said…


    The brooch must not have been too expensive. Iris only charged me $30 for it. Frank and Jim have started making lewd comments to a group of 50-something women across the street. I am going to sneak out to go to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. I’ll see you there, if you and Gerald are still there.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, iris actually charged u 4 that thing? that is so wrong!

    nope, i'm back home. we stayed about an hour, but i had 2 get back cuz ma was xpecting me 2 cook a 5-course meal. i dunno y she had "5-course meal" stuck in her head, but she did.

    i walked gerald home & his dad actually threw a shoe @ me. "get out, auxiliary girlfriend!" i wish he didn't h8 me so much.


  • At 8:31 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I don’t know why your mother is fixated on a 5-course meal. Your sister Elizabeth may be right about the Mtigwakians putting a tapeworm in her during her stay there. I have never seen a woman eat as much as she does.

    I am sorry that Gerald’s dad is throwing shoes at you. That seems a little immature to me. Maybe when Gerald is better, his dad will feel more kindly toward you. I know my first boyfriend’s parents hated me, but I think that had more to do with the way I dressed than with me as a person. You’re really nice, so I am sure Gerald’s dad will come around to like you as much as I do.

    I got to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. Krystle has taken to the habit of greeting me with an open mouth kiss, which I suppose is a better place than putting her tongue in that spot on my body where a tongue should not go. Becky gets a little upset with her when she does that, but Krystle ignores her. Anyway, I got to business fixing her electrical wiring problems the inspectors found this morning. After that was done, I was set to take over the shop so Krystle and Becky could go home when this man from the Milborough Business and Trade Licensing Unit came into the shop. Krystle said, “I have a little business to talk with him” and I said, “When are you coming back?” and she said, “Oh Howard, I like it when you get jealous. Don’t wait up. There will be plenty of me left for you when I get back.” Then she pinched my bottom and left. Becky was a little angry with me for taking that from her mother. “You should stand up for yourself! You let yourself get pushed around by everybody!” I know she’s right, but when you are out on bail waiting for a trial that could put you in jail for a long time; you are not too picky about the little stuff. I’m just happy that I have friends like you and Becky and I will try to spend time with you two for as long as I can.

    So Becky is doing her Punic War homework, while I bake tomorrow’s Elly Patterson inventory and see to the customers that like late night pastries. We are both exhausted so I know we will sleep great tonight. Based on what Krystle did last night, I am guessing I will be sleeping on a couch at Becky’s house again tonight. I know Becky can handle herself, but I feel a little better about the situation not leaving her alone. At least tonight I won’t be worried as much about her mother and I shouldn’t need to do that rocking thing to calm down.

    Your mom left a request for blueberry scones for tomorrow. According to Becky, she was talking about the great scones she ate at the Mtigwakian pow-wow. Scones are a Scottish pastry, so I am not sure why they were being served at a pow-wow, but I suppose they could have adopted it from the Scottish, like when they adopted Indian Tacos from the Navajos. Anyway, I have made up several dozen blueberry scones in various shapes including triangles, rounds, squares and diamonds. I hope your mother likes them.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, the tapeworm theory cd b true. my mom's appetite is like totally ridiculous. not only did she want me 2 do a 5-course meal, but she made a big pt abt how the meal shd b "hearty". so this is what i made:

    1. greek salad w/anchovies

    2. french onion soup w/xtra cheese & xtra bread

    3. lobster risotto

    4. lasagna, also w/xtra cheese

    5. cherry cheesecake w/whipped cream on top

    it was soooo much food that i was full halfway in2 the soup course. but my mom slurped down all that & then ate my 'overs. she was all, "that was tasty, april, but the portions were a little stingy". & she went back 2 the kitchen & finished everything that was left, licked the pans clean, & then went 2 raid the fridge.


  • At 9:39 PM, Blogger howard said…


    That meal sounds delicious. You must be quite a good cook. I would love to sample your cooking some time, that is, if there is ever any left.

    I am closing up Krystle’s Kakes and Pies now. As predicted, Becky’s mom is not back, so I am taking Becky home. We are going to work a little on her repertoire for the Freeman party before she goes to bed. She is doing some Billie Holiday numbers and she wants to get the vocal styling just right. Billie had a pretty voice, but she did not have any sort of technical training. Most of her style came from her diction and phrasing. You have to get her jazz inflections just right for some of her songs to work.

    Becky is determined to be as good as possible for her television debut for the reality TV people who are shooting the Freeman party. Saturday is really close now, and Becky is a little on edge about it. Be aware that Becky may be a little hard to be around until that party is over, so be patient with her. You are so mature for your age, I’m sure that won’t be a problem.

    Anyway, if you need us, we’ll be at Becky’s house, probably in the garage where she keeps her music stuff.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:32 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh man i m so stressed i m sorry i haven't posted 2 much but btween the party an' my mom an' my punic wars paper, i have been like totally wasted. i wish i could remember all those facts like ger does. if i were him i'd want 2 keep the drugs i think they're making him smarter.

    c u 2morrow. i will talk abt mom's misunderstanding then. i m just 2 sleepy now.


  • At 3:02 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I must have told you this 100 times tonight. Go to bed. Don't make me use my feather on you.

    Howard Kelpfroth


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