April's Real Blog

Friday, September 30, 2005

Crop circles? From DANCIN'!

Dad was cracking me up this morning by doing this "narrator" voice & talking about the history of dentistry. He threw in some stuff from Seinfeld about persecution @ the hands of the dreaded anti-dentites. "Dentists: we are a proud people with many colourful rituals. These rituals include performing a 'cleaning', checking for 'cavities', and sometimes even doing mouth x-rays! We are known for wearing special clothing, namely medical scrubs and a 'mask' across mouth and nose. Some people think dentists purposely ask their 'patients' questions during dental procedures out of a sadistic desire 2 hear them say 'rmph, blrpt, mrgl, norph', but really it is because we are a naturally curious lot and we simply 4get that our patients cannot answer us w/their mouths full". And for all those bits in "quotes", Dad does little air quotes. I am totally LMAO when Mom strolls in w/that smug look she has B4 ea of these dull installments she's been doing all wk on Mtig culture, history, & wayz. But she drops that 4 a second w/"What is so darn funny?" I'm all "Nothing, Mom", but then Dad & I look @ ea other & bust out laughing & Mom's totally miffed. But then she recovers & she's all, "Well, put aside yr immature little inside jokes & get ready 2 learn something." & she tells us abt the noblenatives doing their dances in colourful traditional garb. The 1st dancers smush down the grass 4 the rest of the dancers, sez Mom. & she told us abt this 1 guy's comment, "Heh, and they think crop circles R made by aliens!" & she was all LOLOLOLOL @ this 4 abt 10 minutes, laughing w/her eyes closed & her big, puffy tongue stickin' out. So this gave Dad & me time 2 clear our breakfast dishes & get outta there!

So, Becky, Dunc, Ger & I will B meeting @ Becky's garage after school 2day 2 rehearse 4 the Freeman gig Saturday. Becks is feeling freaked out cuz she wants 2 B perfect 4 our big TV opportunity on the reality show the Freemans R having. & on top of that, her Mom's been disappearing w/health & licencing officials 2 convince them not 2 find problems with Krystle's Kakes & Pies. Becks, just lemme know whether U want me 2 give U space 2day or if U'd rather have me around 2 talk, K?



  • At 9:39 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Im not in yet, Apes. I havent heard back from those Huey an' Riley dudes abt my contractual demands. Im meeting them @ Horny Tims @ lunch, so Ill let u no l8r.

  • At 10:09 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, c'mon, dunc, u know u wanna do this! besidez, kimmi told me u'll look soooooooooo sexxxxy onstage that she doesn't think she'll b able 2 keep her handz (& other bits) off of u after seeing u play.


  • At 10:18 AM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    april's rite, dunc-hunk. i cannot w8 2 c u singing all sexy an' smooth @ that party. my 'rents r totally lettin' me go cuz they think it's like community service 2 go 2 a katrina benefit thingger.

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Jane Kegel said…

    I have to post this quickly because this could get me into trouble with my boss. I am a pharma tech at Phantastico Pharmacy in Milborough. Recently, Gerald Forsythe came in with his parents to fill a scrip for Prozac and they brought the container from their previous fill to show the pharmacist that Gerald had been taking the medication previously.

    After they left, our pharma, Petunia LaFleur, said, "Oh, their old pharma was Dee Patterson, my old pal from uni." So she got on the phone and I heard, "Oh, so you added a zero onto his dose? Yeah, I guess that was a bit too high to go unnoticed. Yes, so I'll just switch it from 100 to 200. Yes, that will be more plausible."

    This sounded highly unethical to me, and on a whim, I did a web search on this Gerald guy. That's how I found this blog. Anyway, I thought I should try and warn him this way. I can't call because Petunia would listen in.


  • At 1:32 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Friend Jane,

    Thank you for that information. I checked the bottle and you are right--the prescribed dose is 200 mg, not 100. I will immediately start taking a half dosage. "Big Gerald" says to tell you that you are a life saver!

    Big Gerald and I have had several "pow-wows," so to speak, over the last day or so. So far he remains dormant. In other news, while my interest in the Punic Wars is fading, my interest in the Gallic Wars is rapidly increasing. Also, they are thinking of advancing me to calculus because I've done all the assignments for math for the entire year already. I'm still getting a D- in French though. I guess not even Prozac can help me in that class.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

  • At 1:34 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    sorry i haven't posted yet 2day but i m just so tired. i couldn't sleep at all last nite. mayb i will wake up enuff 2 tell u some stories after gym class.


    p.s.--better give me space til then.

    p.p.s.--you all better b ready 2 work totally hard at the jam 2nite cuz i practiced with howie last nite an' this stuff is hard!

  • At 2:40 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky was really struggling with the music that Robert Freeman had requested she do for his party. She was getting frustrated that she couldn’t get her voice to emulate the deep earthy tones of Aretha Franklin. I kept telling her that kind of sound will come with age, and worked on Aretha’s gospel style of singing, but Becky has Aretha’s recording in her head and thinks that’s the way she should sound too. As for the Billie Holiday stuff, we worked a lot and I mean a lot on the diction and style. This stuff does not come naturally to a 14-year-old white girl. By the time we were done, I think she got it, but I am not sure Becky is convinced. Anyway, I think you will be impressed when you hear her at the practice tonight. Don’t work too hard though. You have to have something left for Saturday.

    Becky is so keyed up about her TV debut, she barely slept last night. She kept on waking me up with her pacing about. Her mother did not come back all night, so I slept on the couch at Becky’s house again. I made Becky breakfast and took her to school, and just like yesterday, went to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies to see if Becky’s mom was there. She wasn’t but your mother was outside the store drooling all over the storefront and muttering “Scones. Scones.” It was kind of creepy, particularly that gleeful look she got on her face when she would stuff a dozen scones into her mouth all at one time. You know how sometimes when your mother is upset; her mouth opens up so that it is larger than half her head? Well she can do the same thing when she eats scones.

    Finally Becky’s mother showed up and your mother was calling Krystle her new best friend and launched into a story about alien crop circles actually being the work of roving bands of Mtigwaki grass dancers. After Elly left, I said to Krystle, “You should run a legitimate business where you apply for business licences like everybody else does. You don’t have to spend the night with everyone who approves a business.” Krystle said, “You are so naïve Howard. You don’t know anything about how things are done in Milborough. But that’s OK. I didn’t hire you because you were smart. Why don’t you go to work at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace and I will see you tonight?” And with that she popped my fanny and pushed me out the door.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:19 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am leaving work early. I just got a call from my lawyer who said he was contacted by my parents, to whom I have not spoken in years. They saw the weekly police report in the newspaper about my "assault" on your sister Elizabeth and my arrest and they want to become my surety. So, I don't have to use your Grandpa Jim and step-grandmother Iris anymore. I stopped clipping Iris' toenails to take the call, and I don't think I am going to finish the other foot. This could be the reconciliation I have hoped for all these years. I am so excited.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ew, i'm so sorry abt yr having 2 touch those icky feet. don't blame u 4 not wanting 2 finish them. that's gd news abt yr parents wanting 2 help. gd luck!


  • At 4:49 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    howie i m so happy 4 u i hope u an' ur parents can make up i know that's what u always hoped 4.

    ok u all have waited a long time now i will tell u abt mom's misunderstanding with the health guy. i don't know the whole story. well i guess mom wuz gonna treat him 2 dinner b4 they got around 2 the main "festivities" of the evening so he wanted 2 go 2 this place that makes traditional british food that he heard about. well things were going good but the restaurant wuz really loud. she asked the guy what he wanted 2 have (meaning 2 eat) an' he said something that she couldn't quite hear over the noise but she sed it sounded like a super perverted sex act. (she wouldn't tell me what sex act but she did say "your father an' howard would prolly b really in2 it, but i think it's sick.") so she thought he thought when she asked him what he wanted that she meant what kind of sex things he wanted her 2 do. so she wuz super freaked b/c what he sed also made her worry that he had something called "VD" which i looked up an' it means basically a gross disease u get frum sex.

    ok so mom wuz really uptight all the rest of the nite an' i guess that made the health guy kinda mad cuz he thought she would b more "friendly" 2 him if u know what i mean especially since she wuz wearing a very low-cut dress. well i guess when dinner wuz over they went 2 the cozy rest motel an' he started 2 try 2 get it on w/ her an' she started thinking abt the VD an' the nasty sex stuff he wanted 2 do an' she totally flipped an' started yelling "well if ur penis is all gunky an' rashy u should go get it checked out by a doctor an' not try 2 put it places on nice women where it doesn't belong!" then she stormed out. well he followed her an' grabbed her arm but mom started screaming an' a couple guyz came out of the nearby rooms an' came 2 c what the problem wuz. these guyz saw it wuz my mom an' i guess they were old "friends" of hers cuz they grabbed the health guy an' started 2 rough him up some.

    well after the guyz got done beating up health guy he wuz kinda sitting on the curb bleeding an' he yelled at her "i don't know what u heard abt me but i m a really nice guy! i just wanted 2 make sweet sweet luv 2 u down by the fire!" (i guess they got the honeymoon suite) they talked abt it an' finally figured out what the confusion wuz. when mom asked him what he wanted he told her he wuz gonna order "cock-a-leeky soup, spotted dick, an' bangers an' mash." but what mom heard in the noisy restaurant wuz...well...u can prolly figure it out on ur own. i can't say i blame her 4 being grossed out.

    i guess they talked yesterday an' all is 4given abt the misunderstanding. mom sez he is actually kinda nice an' mayb they will start dating regular-like.

    gotta go practice my billie holliday now i sing while i roll out pie crust. mom is busy baking a victoria sponge 4 the health guy. i think she is sweet on him.


  • At 7:14 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Ok, Im in. Huey and Riley bot me lunch @ Horny Tims an' a box of Tim balls 2 take back 2 school w/ me. They say my solo gig will B @ the postparty. An' Ill wear dreds but no afro.

  • At 7:19 PM, Anonymous kimmi lasalle said…

    dunc u r going 2 look totally hott w/the dreds!

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3


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