April's Real Blog

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Porta Potties Hate Nativewear!

This morning over pancakes & triple espressos, I was saying 2 Dad that I guess it's no use trying 2 escape Mom's next installment of the slowest, dullest story ever. He agreed abt the no escape part, but he was, like, "Oh, there probably have been slower, duller stories." So I asked him to think of 1, & he cdn't. "OK, so mayB this is the slowest, dullest story ever." I asked if he thought 2day's bit wd B more or less boring than yesterday's & he was all, "God help us if it's more boring." I said mayB we shd think of some wayz 2 get revenge, like Dad cd tell Mom sum more boring stories abt his friend Ted, & Dad was all "What do you mean?" Then Mom showed up B4 we had a chance 2 discuss that.

Mom began today w/"U know, though these noblenatives R different, they R also just like us. They kindly xplain the difference between plastic and porcupine quills, yet they choose their traditional attire thru a 'spiritual quest' involving dreams, visions, & talks w/their elders. & becoming a dancer is more of a "calling" than a conscious decision. But when all is said & done, they need 2 use those porta potties just like every1 else. & U should see them standing out in front of them, like they must B thinking 'and when get the call...U've got 2 go. ?@#?!!'" & believe it or not, my mom actually sed "question mark, swirly thing, pound sign, question mark, exclamation point, exclamation point" for that last bit, she didn't actually curse. I don't have swirly-thing keys, so I subbed an ampersand.

So, Marjee took the time to try out these diff hairstyles on my April doll. Yeah, I know Liz is rite & Mom will prolly not allow me 2 change my hair NE time soon, but just in case, do U think I'd look gd w/NE of these styles? (Thanx, Marjee!)


Marjee wanted 2 Photoshop on some tats & piercings, but I thot we'd better just start w/the hair. Becks, U R lucky 2 have such a cube sis! Oh, BTW, Luann DeGroot e-mailed me & asked where 2 go 2 make these dollies. Here ya go, Luann!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 8:24 AM  

24 Comments:

  • At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh, man, Apes. My d8 w/ Kimmi was so uncube.

    Aft we left Horny Tims, we went Bhind the DQ 'cos we thot it was 2 cold 4 ppl 2 want ice cream. Kimmi got out her lipstix an' then we heard yr mom ordering an XL dbl fudge sundae an' a banana split. We tried not 2 laugh but we did, an' then yr mom came round an' saw us, an' said 2 Kimmi, y r u w/ Duncan, u guardrail, I told u 2 stay away from him. She took Kimmis lipstix away fr her, told the DQ guy 2 hold her order, and told me 2 get in2 the car. She took me home an' told my mom. My mom sent me 2 my room, an' I could hear her an' my dad yelling -- u talk 2 him --no, u talk 2 him, yr his father -- well, u r the public health nurse 4 Mboro, u talk 2 him. NEway my dad lost an' he came in2 my room w/ a plantain an' condom. I tried 2 get him 2 talk abt his choo-choos, but that didnt work, so then I asked him whos the gr8st jazz saxophonist of all time. My dads eyes glazed ovr, and he yapped an' yapped abt jazz an' 4got abt the plantain an' condom an' I hid them under my bed.

    p.s. Apes, do u think u can get Kimmis lipstix back fr yr mom?

     

  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace. Iris, Jim, Frank, May and I have looked at your pictures and have opinions to share.

    Going left to right and then top to bottom:
    Top Row:
    Picture #1: I hate the bangs, although the hair colour is appealing. No.
    Picture #2: The natural wave of your hair could pull this one off. It does cover your neck though, and you have a graceful neckline that you should expose. No. But, May likes this one. She says it looks hip.
    Picture #3: Sort of like a ragged pixie cut and has the advantage of showing off your neck and your eyes. Yes.
    Picture #4: No. Your eyes are one of your best features and should not be obstructed.
    Bottom row:
    Picture #5: I like this one a lot. I think long hair is very feminine. Your grandpa Jim likes this one, too. He said it reminded him of some ladies he knows who feed him grapes.
    Picture #6: Definitely no. Your hair would have to be straightened to do this one. Your hair has a natural body and thickness that should be displayed. Frank said he was really into long stringy hair and liked this one best.
    Picture #7: Too much like 1960s Lois Lane. Definitely not. Although Iris tells me this is the one she likes the best.
    Picture #8: Covers your eyes and neck. No.

    I’m like Liz. I hope your mom allows you to get a cut. I’m getting one this afternoon before I go to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. Maybe you could get one before you have to work at your mother’s store. After all, once it’s done, it’s done. What can your mother do then?

    Speaking of your mother, I don’t know what Dr. McCauley would say about your mother’s health. Judging from your mother’s consumption rate at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies, the shot has been having an effect. She has dropped from 3 dozen blueberry muffins to 2 dozen. Becky’s mother Krystle was furious about this and even lost her temper in front of boyfriend Rick last night. He said something about how she was beautiful when she was angry, and I had to stop them from disrobing right there in the store in front of customers. Becky was there, and she may have more to say on the matter.

    Oh, Duncan, I have plenty of lipsticks Kimmi can use. Stop by Krystle's tonight and I will give them to you.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 12:10 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Hi Apes, Howard, Becks an' gang. Sorry I haven't posted here lately. Canadian Civilization class has been kicking my ass an' I've been w/my dad's family n Quebec these past few weekends. The party last week was a blast, even if I freaked out @ truth or dare. Howard's song was so sweet, it made my week!

    I know I'm kinda late 2 this, but I wuz surprized Mr. P made a leaf press 4 Liz. I thought he just played w/choo-choo trains n his spare time....lol.

    All those styles look tres cube, Apes, even if #2 (lol....I said #2) looks kinda high-maintenance. It's ur hair, so u decide what look suits u. Marjee'll make any style work for u.

    I can't wait to get home from the library...Marjee's gonna help me put 2gether an outfit for the Audioslave show. Should I wear all black, a concert t-shirt or look more formal? U can all let me know ur thoughts. Thanks!

     

  • At 12:22 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Vicki,

    I am so glad you liked my song. My opinion is definitely not all black. It will not bring out your lovely skin tones. Also, definitely not formal. You want to be in something comfortable to dance in. Concert t-shirts are generally poorly made, unless of course you have an Audioslave concert T. That would be acceptable. I would say, something in an earth tone, that looks good and is comfortable.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 1:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx howard & vicks 4 the feedback on the hairdo's. i do like the idea of just going ahead & having it done, which is what lizzie did when she was in hi school, tho she ended up regretting that style. mom did mention, tho, that if i tried nething like that she'd take me to milborough wigs 'n' hairpieces & get me a ponytail wiggy till it grew out. feh. mayB 2 & 5 r the best choices since i'd b able 2 do the ponytail around my mom & style it how i want otherwise.

    u know, howard, it sure is weird that i had that moment where i mistook yr aunt winnie 4 u in drag, since she really doesn't resemble u. but i think it had more 2 do w/her facial expression & demeanor. plus, i think i've seen u in the same green suit. she sure looked friendlier than she does in her "who's who" pic.

    apes

    p.s. marjee is taking me, becks, & vicks 2 that audioslave concert fri. that shd b cube! since mboro's so close 2 toronto these days, we won't even need 2 spend the nite there!

     

  • At 2:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    You know there’s something about wearing a lime-green fitted wool suit, a flowery brooch, and a tiara that makes your face look thicker and your nose look shorter. I do sometimes dress like my Aunt Winnie, when I am feeling in sort of an older woman kind of way. When I do, I get comments about my face and nose. You are right that the “who’s who” picture is definitely not one of my aunt’s better pictures. You should see her when she is bowling. She can be quite “striking.” I just got the shivers. I never used to make puns like that. I wonder if I am getting sick. By the by, Aunt Winnie said that Milborough is now closer to Toronto than Burlington. She said it was because Toronto has grown so much that Milborough is now right in the heart of the Toronto suburbs.

    Anyway, your mother’s episode of her continuing story reminded me of something that happened when Kortney and I were in Mtigwaki. We had just finished touring the pow-wow grounds, when we noticed some male native dancers in full regalia with eagle feather bustles on the back of their outfits. They had just finished practicing their dancing and were moving toward the same restaurant where Kortney and I were going, the Moose Caboose. As they approached the restaurant, their bustles were too big to get through the doorway. The first dancer said, “?@#?!!” as his bustle hit the sides of the door opening. Then another dancer tried, failed, and said, “%^&*”. Then the next dancer tried, failed and said, “~\:;{}”. Finally the fourth dancer tried, failed, and said, “Shit!” The oldest of the dancers said to him, “No. Use the ancient language handed down to us from our forefathers, the Katzenjammer Kids.”

    While they were doing this, Vivian Crane and another native lady ran over to the men and said, “What are you doing?” The older dancer answered, “Just as we received the call to become a dancer as an unconscious decision, our stomachs have received the call to eat from an unconscious hunger.” Vivian said, “Let me help you take off that bustle then.” One of the younger dancers said, “Don’t touch the regalia. I chose this attire through a spritual quest, involving dreams, visions and talks with elders. It is sacred to me.” The other lady said, “Oh baloney. You got this from your uncle when he was too old to dance anymore. Why are the men’s traditional dancers in Mtigwaki also the stupidest dancers in Mtigwaki?” Vivian said, “I don’t know, Laurie.” So, the 2 ladies took off the dancers’ eagle feather bustles and they went in to eat and we followed after them. That’s what I remember.

    Anyway, after work, I am going to Marjee Mahaha’s for a cut. I hope to see you there.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 2:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April, we could definitely style #2 so it doesn't hide your neck & #4 so it doesn't cover your eyes. I think they'd both be nice looks for you, though w/#4, you wouldn't be able to do much of a ponytail.

    BTW, after I failed to convince your mother that there's no native hex on her hair, I sold her some special "purifying" shampoo and conditioner. That seemed to satisfy her.

    Howard, I pulled aside that styling guide you asked to see for your pre-haircut consultation.

    Marjee

     

  • At 2:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    marjee & howard, I will probably come by & get either #2 or #5.

    btw, dunc, i didn't mean 2 ignore yr post. i'll try 2 find out where ma hid those lipstix. btw, keesha grant's still asking me ?'s abt u. how weird is that?

    oh, & liz, i guess mom's appy is settling a bit. she only had one "elly breakfast" this morning.

    apes

     

  • At 2:56 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Marjee,

    Thanks for getting that styling guide. It's been awhile since I have had a haircut, what with being so busy with work, running from the law, going to Las Vegas and Mtigwaki, and being in jail and stuff. I hope to see you there, April.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 3:15 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Thanks 4 the Nput, Howard! I worked 4 more hours @ the libary 2 weeks ago so I'll do some shopping @ Hot Topic tomorrow afternoon w/my extra cash. If any of u want 2 join me just let me know! I dunno why I said "formal"....I'm definitely not gonna show up @ the concert in a ball gown an' tiara! Plus, unless you're the queen of England, u look crazy wearing a tiara....lol. Kinda like that lady Estelle, that friend of Ape's step-grandma Iris @ the Mborough old folks' home.

    Kimmi, wuz that u @ the Pharmasave buying 20 kinds of Loreal lipstick an' a 2 L of Mountain Dew? I would've said hi but u looked like u were n a hurry. Oh well, check u later!

     

  • At 3:25 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Vicki,

    I would love to shop with you at Hot Topic tomorrow, but I will be at work in the afternoon. I kind of like tiaras, though. It gives me a sort of Wonder Woman kind of feeling. You should see me in that outfit. The Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera did a production of Wagner's Die Walküre, where I got to play Brünnhilde dressed as Wonder Woman. It was great fun.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear friends,

    When Julius Caesar was a young man, he was captured by pirates. Caesar remained alive only by working his wiles on the pirates. Caesar convinced the pirates that they would get more money by ransoming him back to his family than they would by selling him as a slave. During the three years it took Caesar’s family to come up with the money, he managed to stay alive by becoming the pirate king’s lover. I guess he wanted to stay alive real bad.

    When Caesar was finally rescued, he promised to return and crucify the pirates. Sure enough, he kept his promise. But, to reward the pirates’ kindness to him, he killed the pirates first so they wouldn’t have to suffer on the cross like Jesus did.

    I think the lesson is that we should be nice to our enemies, but not too nice. That’s why I helped Becky fix her computer.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 4:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becky, during lunch, gerald kept going on & on shakespeare's caesar vs. the "historical caesar" & how i shdn't fall in2 the "trap" of relying on "willy shakes" 4 a historically accurate impression of "the ceez".

    so i'm @ my mom's store now. marjee did my hair rite after she did howard's. & omg, my mom came in while howard was having his pre-haircut consultation, & she was all, "nicenativegirl, i can't thank u enuf 4 the magical, mystical, curse-removing, 'purifying' shampoo & conditioner! it did wonders!" then she noticed howard & sed, "becky's nice music teacher, pls don't ruin that very tite bun of yrs. it is the best, most proper bun i've ever seen." & howard sed, "don't worry, mrs. p, i'm just having it smoothed." then she noticed me & was all, "april! i hope u r not here 2 get sum wanton, loosely flowing style! u know, 1x when u were not quite 5, i impulsively got my hair cut, & not only was it a huge mistake, but i cdn't stop obsessing abt it until it was completely grown out!" i was like, "no worries, ma, i'm just here 4 a ponytail tuneup", & she was like, "oh, ok, well go str8 2 the store when u r done. moira & bea need yr help b/c i'm far 2 busy 2 work there 4 the rest of the day. i have other business 2 tend 2. & when she sed this, i cda sworn her mouth was watering, so watch out 4 her @ the bakeshop!

    neway, marjee did style #2, but she kinda incorporated the bangs fr. that pixie cut u like, becks, #3. i think it came out cute, & i can still put it in a boring pony 4 when i'm around ma. becks, if u get a chance, come on by the store & have a look. i've set aside yr fave mags, 2.

    apes

     

  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Washing your mouth out with soap! I didn’t know anyone still did that. I am so sorry. Anyway, I am just leaving Marjee’s shop.

    Marjee did a good job with April’s hair. It’s a really cute and feminine look, which shows off all her best features. Gerald wandered into Marjee’s shop right after she had it done and April was flipping her hair and saying, “Do you notice anything different about me Gerald?” Gerald was oblivious. He was going on and on about how Julius Caesar was not portrayed accurately in the old “Xena: Warrior Princess” TV show. So I said to Gerald, “What is the origin of the name ‘Caesar’?” He said, “The name Caesar comes from the Latin caesaries which means abundant hair, which is ironic because Caesar combed his thinning hair over his balding head in order to try to hide his epilepsy. His hair was not anywhere near as thick …and luscious …and beautiful …and luxuriant …as April’s.” Then he was trying to stroke April’s hair and she was saying, “I just had it done. Do you like it?” Gerald said, “It reminds me of Queen Cleopatra’s famed tresses. Please allow me to escort you to your next destination, oh queen of my heart.” Then April and Gerald left Marjee Mahaha’s salon. I presume they were headed to April’s mother’s store.

    My hair does not look as nice as April’s because there is only so much you can do with my prematurely receding hairline. It is not as shaggy anymore and looks nice. Marjee does a good job. I think I will come here from now on, as I am persona non grata at my old hair salon.

    I am heading over to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. If you are there, I will see you soon.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 5:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, gerald hung out @ the bookstore w/me 4 a little while, but he kept wanting 2 run his fingers thru his hair. beatrice found this v. v. distracting. while he was there, he got a call on his cell phone. it was his boss @ megafood all "where r u, delaney-forsythe!" gerald had, like, totally 4gotten he was scheduled 2 work this afternoon! he bought a biography of caesar b4 he left, tho.

    apes

     

  • At 5:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, yeah, that wuz me u saw bying the lipstix. sorry i wuz in such a hurry, but i wuz nervus cuz i wuz usin' my mom's credit card an' i didn't wanna b caught.

    i met dunc rite after an' we tried 2 find a private place 2 do our little rainbow thinggie, but between keesha grant following him around, elly patterson keeping an eye on him, & his mom showing up everywhere else we get 2 escape 2, we just cdn't do it. dunc was so frustrated he looked like he cd almost cry. (almost! u r way tuff, dunky!)

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

     

  • At 6:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oops, i ment that gerald kept wanting 2 run his fingers thru my hair, not his hair!!!

     

  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Well, either one of those could be distracting. What did Bea and (I think her name was) Moira think of your hair cut?

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Elizabeth,
    You better lock Shiimsa in a closet while she is in heat, until you can get her fixed. I know that’s what my parents did to me when I first hit puberty. That’s about the only thing that Billy Strongblood said to you that I believe. Let me go through it point by point. He said:

    (Your mom) came here and walked all over our sacred traditions by:
    (1) “Treating our pow-wow like a three ring circus!” I saw those men’s traditional dancers, when I was up there. I expect that the Mtigwaki pow-wow would be a 3-ring circus, no matter what your mom did. You were there, so you can judge for yourself.
    (2) “She was snapping pictures and taking notes.” When Kortney and I visited the gift shop beside the Moose Caboose restaurant, there were all kinds of pictures of natives in full regalia that could be purchased. If Billy Stronghold is angry with her about that, it’s only because your mom didn’t pay the price for the commercial pictures.
    (3) “She interfered with rituals and treated the works of our artisans as if they were mere toys and junk meant to impress acquaintances as Christmas presents.” When Kortney and I were in the gift shop, I picked up an item and said to the lady behind the counter, “Is this made of plastic?” She said, “Here in Mtigwaki, we are always easy to talk to and eager to answer questions. This isn’t plastic-these are porcupine quills! They have to be individually plucked out of a porcupine, treated and dyed to make these fabulous gift items. They are all made by hand and are quite reasonably priced considering.” Kortney said, “Then why do they have ‘Made in China’ marked on them?” So you can see that this point is also bogus.
    (4) “She ate our food and generally made a spectacle out of herself.” You’ve been there long enough to know that people in Mtigwaki are constantly mooching for food, so I don’t buy that point either. However, I will grant that your mom could make a spectacle of herself.
    (5) “(She was) expecting my people to carry her luggage around.” When Kortney and I were in Mtigwaki, the Mtigwakians were jumping in Kortney’s car trying to get to the luggage. So again, I don’t think this is true.
    Then he mentioned he saw the ads your mother placed. If those ads were the same as were in Milborough, with you being in the bikini, then there are few straight men who wouldn’t want to date you. Remember all those calls you got. By the by, I thought the picture of you in the bikini would have been very flattering, if it weren’t for those watermelon seeds on your back.

    Then there was that kiss. That pretty much clinched it for me. I don’t think his interest in you is all that innocent. I think he is just pretending to have cursed your mother, so you have to come back and see him. This guy is bad news. I didn’t like him when I met him, and now I don’t like him even more.

    Worried for you,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 7:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    becky. tell me where 2 meet u.

     

  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mm, becks, i know what u mean! ger is here helping me review the julius caesar stuff 4 that unit we're starting, & he is in suuuuccchhhh trub now, lol!

    liz, wow, whatta story! mom really made that billy guy mad, eh? if only the slow-story thing didn't punish me & dad, u know?

    apes

     

  • At 10:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April,

    I must confess to being confused by you. For months, when all I wanted was to round the bases with you as quickly as possible, you wouldn't let me hit more than a single. But now, with my libido has been destroyed by Prozac and "Big Ger" limp as Caesar's toga, you get all excited and try to rape me. What gives?

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 12:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    becks. thanx. ur the cubest girl i have evah known. i wuz scared when u passed out. i thot i had hurt u. i wuz glad u sed it wuz gud. i have tickets 2 the audioslave concert 4 friday. wud u go w/me? my mom’s going 2 drop me off & come back l8tr 2 pick me up. she sed it wuz no prob since Mboro iz close 2 Toronto now.

     

  • At 1:00 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Gerald,

    April is a very mature young woman, and thus is mercurial in her desires. Remember, Cleopatra secretly aided Cassius, but when Antony ordered Cleopatra to meet him in Tarsus to answer that charge, she arrived in Tarsus on a magnificent barge, dressed as the goddess Venus in a tableau, and utterly captivated him. Thus it is the same with you and April. I just got the shivers. I never used to quote Roman history like that. I wonder if I am getting sick.

    Disturbed,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

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