April's Real Blog

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

U know, my English teacher keeps talking 2 us abt audience, like how U alwayz hafta consider yr audience whether U R writing an essay, a speech, or whatev else. U wanna keep in mind what's gonna appeal 2 yr audience, rite? Well, my mom totally doesn't care abt her audience, me & dad. Here she is, two dayz in2 the 4th week of her telling us her travel story, & how can she not notice how we don't y'know, give a damn?

This time, we actually tried running away when we saw Mom coming. We had all our thingz ready & we ran out the door, but she ran after, all, "W8! U'll love this!" & she shoved @ us a buncha pics she'd rudely taken of the noblenatives in their tribalwear. Poor Lizzie musta been cringing w/Mom being so ugly tourist! She made a special big deal over 1 guy who'd painted blood red tears running fr. his eyes 2 his mouth, saying he'd told her it's 2 help him C & say the truth. Then she was all, "Oh, I wondered what truths those tears would tell." & all I cd think looking at that photo was, "Man, the truth is the guy totally h8's U mom." I mean, it totally lks like he wants 2 put a big curse on her. Or mayB infect her w/an Mtiggitastic tapeworm? Cd I B on2 something here, Liz?

So, I think since Mom's all in2 xploiting my image w/uggo little collector dolls and paper dollies w/the big child-bearing hips, it's only fair that I go ahead & come up w/my own little Apes dolly, doncha think? How bout:

Yeah, I know the uni is non-regulation, but I think it's cuter than the real 1, don't U?

Dunc & Kimmi are both out fr. school 2day, cuz Kimmi hasta go 2 court & Dunc's going 2 support her. I have no idea Y she needs 2 go 2 court, so I hope he'll write in & xplain when he has a chance.



  • At 9:59 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Your little Apes dolly is cute, but we need to work on that hairstyle. Why don't you make an appointment with Marjee Mahaha? She does a great job. We could go together with Becky and have a hair party of sorts. Mine has been getting long, and I need a cut.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:09 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u r rite, howard, i keep thinking abt getting a new haircut, but i get all discouraged cuz i know as soon as i get home ma will send me upstairs w/her "up or back" rule. mayB one of these dayz i'll do it. i luv yr idea 4 a hair party.


  • At 12:09 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    I spoke to Gary on the subject of tapeworms this morning and he became excited. He told me that he has become well versed in several kinds of parasites. He asked me to come to his house and see his "collection". Did you know that some tapeworms can reach 6 meters (that's 20 feet), in length?

    He also educated me about the fish tapeworm which often grows to lengths of 3-7 feet at maturity and are capable of attaining lengths of 30 feet. It is the longest tapeworm invading humans. The main body of the worm is virtually filled with male and female reproductive organs allowing it to produce an incredible number of eggs, often more than 1,000,000 a day, and can live in humans for 20 years. The victim can be infected by eating raw, lightly cooked, under-processed freshwater or certain migratory species of salmon, perch, pike, pickerel, and turbot. Fish tapeworms are found wherever humans, bears, and other fish-eating mammals defecate in the same lakes and streams from which this fish are obtained.
    During the acute stage of disease, about 10 days after eating raw or insufficiently cooked fish, the symptoms may be similar to other tapeworm infections. This includes symptoms such as diarrhea, abdominal discomfort and pain, flatulence, vomiting, nausea, and weakness. Chronic infestations may produce some of the same symptoms or only vague discomforts including fullness in the upper abdomen, water retention, loss of weight, and malnutrition. Some people are constantly hungry because the tapeworms are eating most of the food. There are times when the worm gets so large that it will cause a colon blockage.

    Other parasites Gary had in his "laboratory" are round worms, pin worms, hook worms, flukes. They are all gross little creatures. He has a whole menagerie of them and he says he's taught a few to do tricks. He had me look through a high powered microscope and guess what? There was this large fish roundworm sporting a Mtig logo and it seemed to be waving at me. I figured right then and there that we found our infector. So, I asked Gary how he felt about intentional human infection...I whispered something about revenge to keep him from suspecting that I suspected that he infected Mom. You should have seen him get angry. "Under no circumstances should anyone ever attempt to infect another person! That goes against my code of peacefulness. Infecting another person would be like an act of war and I don't believe in war. I am a peaceful man. I wouldn't support infecting another human and would go out of my way to cure an infection in another person. These worms here are my pets and I will not use them for evil!" He uttered all this with his eyes closed in the trademarked smug Patterson way. I asked if any of his "pets" were missing and he said it was hard to tell since they multiplied so fast. I did ask how to go about infecting someone, but he wouldn't tell me (Even though I already know how...raw fish..duh). "It's classified information that would be dangerous in the hands of someone who isn't as peace loving and gentle as myself." Finally I told him about Mom's recent behavior and the discovery of a tapeworm infection. He clammed up right away and suggested that it was time to get back to teaching.

    I don't think Gary infected Mom. I do believe he was sincere about refusing to infect someone, but that doesn't mean someone else didn't do it and that doesn't mean he doesn't know who did. Vivian perhaps? I'll continue to dig. Howard and April if you can pass on to Ted the suspicion of the Fish Broad Worm. Oh and find that jar of bear poop and burn it or something, it may be tainted...if you can call bear poop anything but tainted.

    BTW Apes, Mom will never agree to a haircut. She thinks you're already out of control. As long as she controls your hair, she feels she controls you.

  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I passed on the information about the Fish Broad Worm to Dr. McCauley. I made the mistake of telling him it was information about April’s mom, and I think he missed the word “April”. He started talking about his mom, who just passed away. It was depressing. Apparently, he is 54 years old and his mother used to do his laundry and change his bed. He said he tried talking to your dad about it, but that your dad kept on saying things like, “Now it’s time for you to get a woman. If my mom was dead, and I was single, I would be looking for some poontang, baby” and “I know we’ve had lunch together, driven to and from work on occasion, and even gone out for a beer over the course of 20 years, but I really don’t know you or consider you to be a friend” and the most irritating “That will be five cents, please, Charlie Brown.” I told him I was sorry for his loss, and I apologized for your dad’s behaviour. Anyway, he has the information and said he would look into identifying the type of tape worm from the X-rays.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    April, even if you're not ready to change your hair yet, you can stop by after school and we can play around with different styles on your "doll" image. Then you can post them to your blog tomorrow and people can let you know what they think in their comments.


  • At 1:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, marjee, i think i will take u up on that!

    howard, i can't believe the way dad's treated that ted guy. it's a wonder he put up w/that!


  • At 1:35 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I think I met that person you mentioned your mother talking about in today’s edition of her Mtigwaki story. It was when Kortney and I were being toured around the Mtigwaki pow-wow grounds by Gary and Vivian Crane with little Jesse Mukwa following behind us. We saw this guy to the side of the grounds and his appearance was unusual, so I asked Gary Crane about him. He said, “You don’t want to talk to him. You will regret it.” So naturally, Kortney and I went over to speak to the man. He had blood red tears running from his eyes and mouth. I said to him, “What is with the red on your face? Do you have the Ebola virus or a hemorrhaging retina or maybe a bad digestive problem?” He said, “No. It is paint.” I said, “Why do you have the paint on?” He said, “It is to help me see and speak the truth.” So I wondered, what truths those tears would tell and asked him exactly that. He said, “I will demonstrate.” He pointed at Gary Crane and said, “You could not make it in the white man’s world, so you came running back to Mtigwaki where you could be protected by your mother and aunt and so they could give you a job.” Gary said, “Eek! The truth!” Then he pointed to Vivian Crane and said, “You never loved Gary. You only married him to get back at your racist mother.” Vivian said, “Eek! The truth!” Then he pointed at Jesse Mukwa and said, “You stole a picture from your teacher’s purse and do naughty things with it.” Jesse said, “Eek! The truth!” Then he pointed at me and said, “You’re a fairy.” I said, “Well, duh!” I was wearing my matching lavender pants and shirt with the lacy sleeves. Then he said to me, “You like wearing women’s clothes.” I said, “Well, duh, again!” Then he said to me, “You like light opera.” I said, “Well, who doesn’t?” At this point, Kortney, Gary, Vivian, Jesse and the bloody-faced man all raised their hands. I said to the bloody-faced man, “Is that the best you have? Opera?” Then he pointed his hand at me and said, “You have a complete collection of Britney Spears recordings, including a copy of her movie ‘Crossroads’, and you dance around your apartment wearing nothing but a red wig and singing the lyrics to ‘Toxic’.” I said, “Eek! The truth!” Then he pointed his hand at Kortney and said, “You are going to beat the living daylights out of me, if I don’t leave right now.” Then he turned around and ran. Kortney said, “That’s the truth.”

    Anyway, if your mother encountered the same fellow as we, I suspect that there is a lot more to her story than she is telling you. Maybe Elizabeth has run into the same fellow and can find out more about him.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    y'know, howard, my mom did look like she was holding something back when she sed that thing abt wondering what kinda truth this guy had 2 tell. i'll bet he told her something true she didn't wanna talk abt! lol. mayB if he did, liz was close enuf 2 overhear? if so, i'd luv 2 know, liz.


  • At 2:13 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh man howie that post abt ur trip to mtigwaki wuz so f-in funny!

    well gerald an' i r going 2 my house after school. i m still having puter problems an' i wuz talking about them at lunch an' u know at first i didn't think ger wuz listening cuz he wuz rambling on about julius caesar's salad days but then when we were dumping our trays on the conveyor belt he sed "i think i can help u with ur problem. i have memorized nearly 20 computer tech manuals in the last week." so i totally took him up on it.

    don't go getting jealous, apes. i need my puter fixed. ger's prozac must still be working good cuz he didn't even try 2 get "payment" out of me. all he did was ask if he could borrow my dad's "loeb classical library." my dad wuz a classics major in college b4 he dropped out 2 join a biker gang in quebec. i didn't know that but mom sez "u knew he liked the greek stuff" an' glares like i'm supposed 2 get the joke. i don't. oh well.

    ok gotta run 2 gym class.


  • At 2:27 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    My little flower,

    When Mark Antony killed Cicero, he cut off Cicero's head and put it on a pike. This so excited Antony's wife Fulvia that she became aroused and stabbed Cicero's tongue with her golden hairpins. The text does not say, but it is highly implied that Antony and Fulvia proceeded to make hot monkey love thereafter.

    My darling, I have long sought a way to please you. Mark Antony is a legendary playboy, so I thought I would seek his counsel. Would a decapitated head on a pike work? If so, whose head shall I pluck for you?

    I'm hoping that decapitating someone will help me get "oak in my penis" again, as Caesar would say. (Well, Caesar wouldn't, because he didn't have Prozac, but you know what I mean.) On that Rome show, they eat raw goat testicles to produce "wood," but I'd rather not.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

  • At 2:28 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ger is a tard i loaned him my phone again 2 post. loozer.

  • At 2:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, ger, no, severed heads do not get me hot. pls don't b thinking ultraviolence = sexxxy, k?


    p.s. i m not jealous. & 'sides, after i meet w/marjee after school i hafta go str8 2 the store & do mom's job for her. i mean, "help out."

  • At 2:41 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It wasn't until you posted that I remembered that your dad was in a biker gang in Quebec. When I was in jail with him, he told stories about how he met and did some "dealings" with Andre Boisclair. It's a fascinating story, if you haven't heard it.

    I am sorry I am not more computer literate to help you with your computer woes, but hopefully Gerald can get his mind out of the classics long enough to fix your problem. His decapitation language makes me a little nervous though. Make sure you keep him away from anything sharp. I don't want him chopping off the head of my bud.

    Oh. I can explain your mother's Greek reference. I am quite experienced in that area. But we previously agreed not to talk about that stuff.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:49 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well i googled it an' i think it's got something 2 do with gay stuff. rite? it's ok 2 answer those questions just don't tell me 2 much detail about ur own sex life it kinda skeeves me like when i have 2 pull mom an' rick apart on the tennis courts.

    ok gotta go ger is saving me a seat on the bus.


  • At 2:59 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Google will get you the information you need. There may be some stuff that pops up that you don't want to see, if you go that route. But you are essentially right, your mother was implying that your father has been with men with her reference. In ancient Greece, the practice was commonplace and supposedly accepted (although some scholars disagree about that). So the word "Greek" is sometimes used in reference to those kinds of activities. I hope that was clean enough for you.

    Remember, keep Gerald away from the knives.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:02 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh don't worry abt ger he is harmless. we talked abt that stuff on the bus (where were u apes?) an' he sed he wuz just wondering what apes would say. i guess on that rome show some1 sed that ladies love it when u bring them the "warm, still-beating heart of an enemy." that freaked me a little cuz u know some peeps think apes an' me r enemies so i kinda covered my heart with 1 hand but he sed he thought mayb he would just buy her a valentine's car instead cuz he didn't want 2 get his backpack all bloody.


  • At 3:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, becks, keesha grant totally made me miss the bus! rite after school, she got in my face w/1 question after another abt duncan! "what does he like 2 eat? what colour lipstick does he think a girl shd wear?" & i'm like, "tim balls"; "all the colours of the rainbow." then i'm all, "keesha, i hafta go, or i'll miss the bus," & she's all, "w8, 1 more question! 1 more!" then sure enuf i did miss the bus. keesha's mom gave me a ride & dropped me off @ marjee's salon. in the car, keesha continued w/her questions, & keesha's mom was like "it's such a shame 2 hear kimmi lasalle's in trouble with the law." & i'm like, "how do u know abt that, mrs. grant?" & she's like, "word travels fast in mboro, esp. fr. one parent 2 another. u know, yr mom is rite, i think keesha & duncan r perrrrrrfect 4 ea other." wtf?

    i'm @ marjee's now. it's v. cube of her 2 help me come up w/hairdo ideas.

    oh, 4 god's sake. mom just came in all crying abt how she thinx the mtiggies mighta put a curse on her hair so it can't stay in a v. v. tite bun, & cd "nicenativegirl" help. eesh, she just saw me & sed it's gr8 that i'm learning 2 b dedicated 2 "diversity" just like her. puke.


  • At 3:31 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You meant "valentine's card" right and not "valentine's car"? I know Gerald's family has a little money, but a car for April would be a little excessive.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u know, howard, i had an interesting encounter just b4 closing @ my mom's store. this woman came in & @ 1st i thot it was u in 1 of yr "drag" outfits. but then i realized it was an older woman, wearing a lime-green fitted wool suit, a flowery brooch, and a tiara. i asked, "by ne chance r u related 2 howard kelpfroth?" & her face lit up & she sed, "y yes, that's my dear nephew! he works @ that new bakeshop down the st, & he told me he goes thru these long periods during his nite shift where he's sitting around w8ing 4 thingz 2 bake. so i'm here 2 buy him sum nice books & maggiez 2 entertain him." then she quickly snagged like 10 diff books & 20 magz & had me ring 'em up. since it was so close 2 closing time, i didn't even get a chance 2 look closely & c what she was buying. I hope she got u sum gd stuff, howard!

    my mom sez her appetite has settled down a bit, but she wants me 2 make sum shrimp scampi 2nite "& don't b stingy"! so, gotta go!


    p.s. ger, if u wanna buy me a shiny, red car, go rite ahead! ;)

  • At 9:28 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes! Gr8 day! I went 2 court w/ Kimmi, remember she got busted by Luggie 4 borrowing sum lipstix from the evrything 4 a loonie store. NEway, it was so cube 2 c the judge yell at Luggie again. The judge said 2 Luggie, dont u no this girl has no record, and Luggie says ya, an' the judge says 2 Luggie y did u charge her instead of giving her xtrajudicial measures 'cos u no she has no record an' u no that 14 yo girls who shoplift sumtimes have psycho problems an' r not real criminals, an' didnt u recover all of the stuff NEway? Luggie was all red, an' the Crown dropped the charge an' gave Kimmi xtrajudicial measures, which means she hasta write a letter of apology 2 Mr. Kim, the guy who owns evrything 4 a loonie, an' give a copy 2 the judge. Then she's done. Now we r @ Horny Tims 2 celebrate w/ double doubles an' maple dips, but 4 sum reason there r all these girls who want 2 talk 2 me. Kimmi just said 2 me, Luggie didnt find all of the lipstix, so mayB I should go w/ her an' c what Luggie didnt get. L8r.

  • At 9:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, that's gd news abt the crown dropping the charges, dunc. i'd 4gotten all abt that bit o' trub kimmi had gotten in2.

    mayB all those girls r talking 2 u cuz they know u've got both kimmi & keesha liking u. u know how that goes.


  • At 10:01 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Aunt Winnie likes mystery novels, so she got me:

    Patricia Highsmith’s The Talented Mr. Ripley, George Baxt’s A Queer Kind of Death, Tony Fennelly’s The Glory Hole Murders, Mark Richard Zubro’s One Dead Drag Queen, Grant Michaels’ A Body to Die For, Fred Hunter’s Government Gay and National Nancies, R. D. Zimmerman’s Closet, Lev Raphael's The Death of a Constant Lover, Michael Nava’s Goldenboy, Joseph Hansen’s Pretty Boy Dead, and Russell A. Brown's Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Friend of Oscar Wilde.

    The magazines were more toward my interests, so she got me the latest copies of:

    Xtra, The Advocate, Instinct, Out, Passport, Genre, Xodus, Venus, Esquire, Men’s Health, Men’s Fitness, and Instinct.

    Of course the real reason that Aunt Winnie came to visit is because, due to all the work I have been doing lately, I haven’t been up to visit them in Toronto. She said I should come up to visit. Toronto is a lot closer to Milborough than it used to be.

    I thanked her for the books and magazines, and then she showed me a note. It said, “It will be noisy on October 10 for Merrie’s birthday party. You are welcome to come upstairs for a piece of cake.” It was signed Deanna Sobinski Patterson. Winnie said, “This note showed up on our door, and then we could hear our upstairs neighbours talking. They were saying, ‘Hopefully those awful Kelps won't come to Merrie’s party, but at least we've warned them and they can't very well get cranky if they've been invited and choose not to appear.’” I said, “So what are you planning to do?” Winnie said, “Unless something goes terribly wrong, we are definitely going to be there. Your uncle Melville and I have picked out some perfect birthday presents. We have gotten them some candy cigars and cigarettes, Krishna brand Children’s First Incense, some children’s books published by the Canadian Partnership for Children's Health and Environment (Our neighbours are so environmentally ignorant. They complain about our clothesline messing up their view all the time.), and some Pura All Natural Collagen for Kids products (So they can stop giving Merrie, their daughter, those collagen lip injections.).

    I asked her how it was going in their effort to drive out their upstairs neighbours. Winnie said, “It’s going great. They talk about buying a house and moving out all the time.” Then she added, “Plus I think our landlady is on our side in driving them out. She gave them some sort of discount rate for the upstairs apartment while the wife was off from working after having her baby, but now she’s working full-time and they haven’t starting paying the correct rent. In fact, I heard them complaining to Lovey that their reduced rent was more expensive than a mortgage payment, and how they couldn’t pay for daycare and the regular rent also. Then they made a big deal about how they didn’t use their air conditioner too often, since their hydro bill was included in the rent and they were trying to be nice to her. Lovey said a lot of words I couldn’t understand after that and she came into our apartment and asked to use the broom. So, now whenever we play ‘Make Them Dance’ with the brooms each night, Lovey comes in to join us.”

    Anyway, we had a good visit and got up-to-date with each other. I am closing up Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. Oh and Kimmie, I am glad your legal difficulties are working out so well. I hope you and Duncan have a good time celebrating.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 11:08 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    I've been terribly busy today. I had several papers to grade and then Jesse was hanging around my house, not unlike Shiimsa hangs on the screen door. Shiims herself has been walking around the house meowing like something akin to the undead. My head hurts and I've felt like I have worms crawling around in my stomach all day. One thing kept going around in my mind....The pie that Jesse "stole" for me, that he really didn't steal but kinda stole for me just before school was out. You remember those left over blueberry pies? What if they were infected and now I am infected and that's how I've been most of the afternoon. Being in that state of mind I decided to go hunt down Mr. Truth himself and see if I could find some myself.

    He was sitting out near a clearing, staring out on the landscape. He looked like the demented ghost of Iron Eyes Cody. I approached him and he turned and said to me, "Elizabeth Patterson. I have been waiting for you. You have come to seek the truth and it shall be told!" Thunder rolled in the distance. I had a huge lump in my throat. I had to clear it before talking and even then my voice didn't come out the way I wanted it to. I sounded scared and I really didn't want to sound scared. "I am only looking for the truth about worms," I began, but oh no Mr. Bloody Tears McTruth had some words for me yes indeed. Am I going to share with you those words? Heck no! I'm not sure I even want to admit to myself the things which spilled from those lips. I fought back my tears and reminded myself that I was here on a mission. "I seek truth on another matter." He seemed surprised that I hadn't run away when faced with my truths. It was hard not to run home, crawl under my blankets and have a good cry, but as I said I was on a mission. "What further truth could you be seeking oh daughter of the pale face?" he asked. "My mother," I started then swallowed as his gaze became cold and steely. "She's been infected with...a..a..an illness and I need to find out how and why?" He replied, "Answer me this child of the blight on our great land. Why is the answer to your question so important? What will it solve to know who and why? Deep in your heart you know the why. Knowing why makes the who unimportant." I didn't know what to say at first. The truth is he's right. We know why Mom was infected with tapeworms. It's because she's an annoying little parasite herself. In the Mtig way of thought it's a bit of poetic justice, what comes around goes around. "Have I been infected?" I asked, "What about the rest of my family?" He looked at me for a moment like I was really stupid. The next words out his mouth shocked me beyond belief, "That will be five dollars, American please. Cash only. No credit cards accepted. No loans." I wasn't sure of the exchange rate so I just pulled a wad of cash out of my pocket (Yes I do go around with money in my pocket. Mom always drilled it into me to carry money with me just incase I was presented with the opportunity to shop). He seemed satisfied as he pocketed the money and began to speak in an ominous tone, "Many moons ago, long before you arrived..." he stopped and looked over my shoulder. "Ah $h*t. Forget it. You're not infected kid. You're loved here. Don't worry about it. Just keep your ma out of our hair." And he ran off. I turned to see what might have chased him away. Jesse was approaching carrying a whole branch! "Ms. Patterson!" he called. "I found more leaves for your leaf press! Maybe we can go back to your place and then have pressed cheese sammiches for dinner!" I told him that I had been talking to someone important and he gave me a weird look. Apparently Jesse had been watching me awhile and he didn't see Mr. Bloody Tears McTruth. So, I'm going to have to wait to ask Gary who this guy is...and that won't be until tomorrow, if I can catch him because he's been really cagey after the whole worm display.

  • At 11:55 PM, Blogger howard said…


    That was really brave of you. I get nightmares just thinking about that guy. I can't wait to hear what you find next.

    Scared $h*tless,
    Howard Kelpfroth


Post a Comment

<< Home