Shut up, shut up, shut up!
U know, my English teacher keeps talking 2 us abt audience, like how U alwayz hafta consider yr audience whether U R writing an essay, a speech, or whatev else. U wanna keep in mind what's gonna appeal 2 yr audience, rite? Well, my mom totally doesn't care abt her audience, me & dad. Here she is, two dayz in2 the 4th week of her telling us her travel story, & how can she not notice how we don't y'know, give a damn?
This time, we actually tried running away when we saw Mom coming. We had all our thingz ready & we ran out the door, but she ran after, all, "W8! U'll love this!" & she shoved @ us a buncha pics she'd rudely taken of the noblenatives in their tribalwear. Poor Lizzie musta been cringing w/Mom being so ugly tourist! She made a special big deal over 1 guy who'd painted blood red tears running fr. his eyes 2 his mouth, saying he'd told her it's 2 help him C & say the truth. Then she was all, "Oh, I wondered what truths those tears would tell." & all I cd think looking at that photo was, "Man, the truth is the guy totally h8's U mom." I mean, it totally lks like he wants 2 put a big curse on her. Or mayB infect her w/an Mtiggitastic tapeworm? Cd I B on2 something here, Liz?
So, I think since Mom's all in2 xploiting my image w/uggo little collector dolls and paper dollies w/the big child-bearing hips, it's only fair that I go ahead & come up w/my own little Apes dolly, doncha think? How bout:
This time, we actually tried running away when we saw Mom coming. We had all our thingz ready & we ran out the door, but she ran after, all, "W8! U'll love this!" & she shoved @ us a buncha pics she'd rudely taken of the noblenatives in their tribalwear. Poor Lizzie musta been cringing w/Mom being so ugly tourist! She made a special big deal over 1 guy who'd painted blood red tears running fr. his eyes 2 his mouth, saying he'd told her it's 2 help him C & say the truth. Then she was all, "Oh, I wondered what truths those tears would tell." & all I cd think looking at that photo was, "Man, the truth is the guy totally h8's U mom." I mean, it totally lks like he wants 2 put a big curse on her. Or mayB infect her w/an Mtiggitastic tapeworm? Cd I B on2 something here, Liz?
So, I think since Mom's all in2 xploiting my image w/uggo little collector dolls and paper dollies w/the big child-bearing hips, it's only fair that I go ahead & come up w/my own little Apes dolly, doncha think? How bout:
Yeah, I know the uni is non-regulation, but I think it's cuter than the real 1, don't U?
Dunc & Kimmi are both out fr. school 2day, cuz Kimmi hasta go 2 court & Dunc's going 2 support her. I have no idea Y she needs 2 go 2 court, so I hope he'll write in & xplain when he has a chance.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:30 AM
17 Comments:
At 9:59 AM,
howard said…
April,
Your little Apes dolly is cute, but we need to work on that hairstyle. Why don't you make an appointment with Marjee Mahaha? She does a great job. We could go together with Becky and have a hair party of sorts. Mine has been getting long, and I need a cut.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 10:09 AM,
April Patterson said…
u r rite, howard, i keep thinking abt getting a new haircut, but i get all discouraged cuz i know as soon as i get home ma will send me upstairs w/her "up or back" rule. mayB one of these dayz i'll do it. i luv yr idea 4 a hair party.
apes
At 12:58 PM,
howard said…
Elizabeth,
I passed on the information about the Fish Broad Worm to Dr. McCauley. I made the mistake of telling him it was information about April’s mom, and I think he missed the word “April”. He started talking about his mom, who just passed away. It was depressing. Apparently, he is 54 years old and his mother used to do his laundry and change his bed. He said he tried talking to your dad about it, but that your dad kept on saying things like, “Now it’s time for you to get a woman. If my mom was dead, and I was single, I would be looking for some poontang, baby” and “I know we’ve had lunch together, driven to and from work on occasion, and even gone out for a beer over the course of 20 years, but I really don’t know you or consider you to be a friend” and the most irritating “That will be five cents, please, Charlie Brown.” I told him I was sorry for his loss, and I apologized for your dad’s behaviour. Anyway, he has the information and said he would look into identifying the type of tape worm from the X-rays.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, even if you're not ready to change your hair yet, you can stop by after school and we can play around with different styles on your "doll" image. Then you can post them to your blog tomorrow and people can let you know what they think in their comments.
Marjee
At 1:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
thanx, marjee, i think i will take u up on that!
howard, i can't believe the way dad's treated that ted guy. it's a wonder he put up w/that!
apes
At 1:35 PM,
howard said…
April,
I think I met that person you mentioned your mother talking about in today’s edition of her Mtigwaki story. It was when Kortney and I were being toured around the Mtigwaki pow-wow grounds by Gary and Vivian Crane with little Jesse Mukwa following behind us. We saw this guy to the side of the grounds and his appearance was unusual, so I asked Gary Crane about him. He said, “You don’t want to talk to him. You will regret it.” So naturally, Kortney and I went over to speak to the man. He had blood red tears running from his eyes and mouth. I said to him, “What is with the red on your face? Do you have the Ebola virus or a hemorrhaging retina or maybe a bad digestive problem?” He said, “No. It is paint.” I said, “Why do you have the paint on?” He said, “It is to help me see and speak the truth.” So I wondered, what truths those tears would tell and asked him exactly that. He said, “I will demonstrate.” He pointed at Gary Crane and said, “You could not make it in the white man’s world, so you came running back to Mtigwaki where you could be protected by your mother and aunt and so they could give you a job.” Gary said, “Eek! The truth!” Then he pointed to Vivian Crane and said, “You never loved Gary. You only married him to get back at your racist mother.” Vivian said, “Eek! The truth!” Then he pointed at Jesse Mukwa and said, “You stole a picture from your teacher’s purse and do naughty things with it.” Jesse said, “Eek! The truth!” Then he pointed at me and said, “You’re a fairy.” I said, “Well, duh!” I was wearing my matching lavender pants and shirt with the lacy sleeves. Then he said to me, “You like wearing women’s clothes.” I said, “Well, duh, again!” Then he said to me, “You like light opera.” I said, “Well, who doesn’t?” At this point, Kortney, Gary, Vivian, Jesse and the bloody-faced man all raised their hands. I said to the bloody-faced man, “Is that the best you have? Opera?” Then he pointed his hand at me and said, “You have a complete collection of Britney Spears recordings, including a copy of her movie ‘Crossroads’, and you dance around your apartment wearing nothing but a red wig and singing the lyrics to ‘Toxic’.” I said, “Eek! The truth!” Then he pointed his hand at Kortney and said, “You are going to beat the living daylights out of me, if I don’t leave right now.” Then he turned around and ran. Kortney said, “That’s the truth.”
Anyway, if your mother encountered the same fellow as we, I suspect that there is a lot more to her story than she is telling you. Maybe Elizabeth has run into the same fellow and can find out more about him.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
y'know, howard, my mom did look like she was holding something back when she sed that thing abt wondering what kinda truth this guy had 2 tell. i'll bet he told her something true she didn't wanna talk abt! lol. mayB if he did, liz was close enuf 2 overhear? if so, i'd luv 2 know, liz.
apes
At 2:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, ger, no, severed heads do not get me hot. pls don't b thinking ultraviolence = sexxxy, k?
apes
p.s. i m not jealous. & 'sides, after i meet w/marjee after school i hafta go str8 2 the store & do mom's job for her. i mean, "help out."
At 2:41 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
It wasn't until you posted that I remembered that your dad was in a biker gang in Quebec. When I was in jail with him, he told stories about how he met and did some "dealings" with Andre Boisclair. It's a fascinating story, if you haven't heard it.
I am sorry I am not more computer literate to help you with your computer woes, but hopefully Gerald can get his mind out of the classics long enough to fix your problem. His decapitation language makes me a little nervous though. Make sure you keep him away from anything sharp. I don't want him chopping off the head of my bud.
Oh. I can explain your mother's Greek reference. I am quite experienced in that area. But we previously agreed not to talk about that stuff.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:59 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Google will get you the information you need. There may be some stuff that pops up that you don't want to see, if you go that route. But you are essentially right, your mother was implying that your father has been with men with her reference. In ancient Greece, the practice was commonplace and supposedly accepted (although some scholars disagree about that). So the word "Greek" is sometimes used in reference to those kinds of activities. I hope that was clean enough for you.
Remember, keep Gerald away from the knives.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 3:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, becks, keesha grant totally made me miss the bus! rite after school, she got in my face w/1 question after another abt duncan! "what does he like 2 eat? what colour lipstick does he think a girl shd wear?" & i'm like, "tim balls"; "all the colours of the rainbow." then i'm all, "keesha, i hafta go, or i'll miss the bus," & she's all, "w8, 1 more question! 1 more!" then sure enuf i did miss the bus. keesha's mom gave me a ride & dropped me off @ marjee's salon. in the car, keesha continued w/her questions, & keesha's mom was like "it's such a shame 2 hear kimmi lasalle's in trouble with the law." & i'm like, "how do u know abt that, mrs. grant?" & she's like, "word travels fast in mboro, esp. fr. one parent 2 another. u know, yr mom is rite, i think keesha & duncan r perrrrrrfect 4 ea other." wtf?
i'm @ marjee's now. it's v. cube of her 2 help me come up w/hairdo ideas.
oh, 4 god's sake. mom just came in all crying abt how she thinx the mtiggies mighta put a curse on her hair so it can't stay in a v. v. tite bun, & cd "nicenativegirl" help. eesh, she just saw me & sed it's gr8 that i'm learning 2 b dedicated 2 "diversity" just like her. puke.
apes
At 3:31 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
You meant "valentine's card" right and not "valentine's car"? I know Gerald's family has a little money, but a car for April would be a little excessive.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 6:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
u know, howard, i had an interesting encounter just b4 closing @ my mom's store. this woman came in & @ 1st i thot it was u in 1 of yr "drag" outfits. but then i realized it was an older woman, wearing a lime-green fitted wool suit, a flowery brooch, and a tiara. i asked, "by ne chance r u related 2 howard kelpfroth?" & her face lit up & she sed, "y yes, that's my dear nephew! he works @ that new bakeshop down the st, & he told me he goes thru these long periods during his nite shift where he's sitting around w8ing 4 thingz 2 bake. so i'm here 2 buy him sum nice books & maggiez 2 entertain him." then she quickly snagged like 10 diff books & 20 magz & had me ring 'em up. since it was so close 2 closing time, i didn't even get a chance 2 look closely & c what she was buying. I hope she got u sum gd stuff, howard!
my mom sez her appetite has settled down a bit, but she wants me 2 make sum shrimp scampi 2nite "& don't b stingy"! so, gotta go!
apes
p.s. ger, if u wanna buy me a shiny, red car, go rite ahead! ;)
At 9:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, Apes! Gr8 day! I went 2 court w/ Kimmi, remember she got busted by Luggie 4 borrowing sum lipstix from the evrything 4 a loonie store. NEway, it was so cube 2 c the judge yell at Luggie again. The judge said 2 Luggie, dont u no this girl has no record, and Luggie says ya, an' the judge says 2 Luggie y did u charge her instead of giving her xtrajudicial measures 'cos u no she has no record an' u no that 14 yo girls who shoplift sumtimes have psycho problems an' r not real criminals, an' didnt u recover all of the stuff NEway? Luggie was all red, an' the Crown dropped the charge an' gave Kimmi xtrajudicial measures, which means she hasta write a letter of apology 2 Mr. Kim, the guy who owns evrything 4 a loonie, an' give a copy 2 the judge. Then she's done. Now we r @ Horny Tims 2 celebrate w/ double doubles an' maple dips, but 4 sum reason there r all these girls who want 2 talk 2 me. Kimmi just said 2 me, Luggie didnt find all of the lipstix, so mayB I should go w/ her an' c what Luggie didnt get. L8r.
At 9:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, that's gd news abt the crown dropping the charges, dunc. i'd 4gotten all abt that bit o' trub kimmi had gotten in2.
mayB all those girls r talking 2 u cuz they know u've got both kimmi & keesha liking u. u know how that goes.
apes
At 10:01 PM,
howard said…
April,
Aunt Winnie likes mystery novels, so she got me:
Patricia Highsmith’s The Talented Mr. Ripley, George Baxt’s A Queer Kind of Death, Tony Fennelly’s The Glory Hole Murders, Mark Richard Zubro’s One Dead Drag Queen, Grant Michaels’ A Body to Die For, Fred Hunter’s Government Gay and National Nancies, R. D. Zimmerman’s Closet, Lev Raphael's The Death of a Constant Lover, Michael Nava’s Goldenboy, Joseph Hansen’s Pretty Boy Dead, and Russell A. Brown's Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Friend of Oscar Wilde.
The magazines were more toward my interests, so she got me the latest copies of:
Xtra, The Advocate, Instinct, Out, Passport, Genre, Xodus, Venus, Esquire, Men’s Health, Men’s Fitness, and Instinct.
Of course the real reason that Aunt Winnie came to visit is because, due to all the work I have been doing lately, I haven’t been up to visit them in Toronto. She said I should come up to visit. Toronto is a lot closer to Milborough than it used to be.
I thanked her for the books and magazines, and then she showed me a note. It said, “It will be noisy on October 10 for Merrie’s birthday party. You are welcome to come upstairs for a piece of cake.” It was signed Deanna Sobinski Patterson. Winnie said, “This note showed up on our door, and then we could hear our upstairs neighbours talking. They were saying, ‘Hopefully those awful Kelps won't come to Merrie’s party, but at least we've warned them and they can't very well get cranky if they've been invited and choose not to appear.’” I said, “So what are you planning to do?” Winnie said, “Unless something goes terribly wrong, we are definitely going to be there. Your uncle Melville and I have picked out some perfect birthday presents. We have gotten them some candy cigars and cigarettes, Krishna brand Children’s First Incense, some children’s books published by the Canadian Partnership for Children's Health and Environment (Our neighbours are so environmentally ignorant. They complain about our clothesline messing up their view all the time.), and some Pura All Natural Collagen for Kids products (So they can stop giving Merrie, their daughter, those collagen lip injections.).
I asked her how it was going in their effort to drive out their upstairs neighbours. Winnie said, “It’s going great. They talk about buying a house and moving out all the time.” Then she added, “Plus I think our landlady is on our side in driving them out. She gave them some sort of discount rate for the upstairs apartment while the wife was off from working after having her baby, but now she’s working full-time and they haven’t starting paying the correct rent. In fact, I heard them complaining to Lovey that their reduced rent was more expensive than a mortgage payment, and how they couldn’t pay for daycare and the regular rent also. Then they made a big deal about how they didn’t use their air conditioner too often, since their hydro bill was included in the rent and they were trying to be nice to her. Lovey said a lot of words I couldn’t understand after that and she came into our apartment and asked to use the broom. So, now whenever we play ‘Make Them Dance’ with the brooms each night, Lovey comes in to join us.”
Anyway, we had a good visit and got up-to-date with each other. I am closing up Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. Oh and Kimmie, I am glad your legal difficulties are working out so well. I hope you and Duncan have a good time celebrating.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 11:55 PM,
howard said…
Elizabeth,
That was really brave of you. I get nightmares just thinking about that guy. I can't wait to hear what you find next.
Scared $h*tless,
Howard Kelpfroth
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