April's Real Blog

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The old 4getting something excuse!

So, now, Mom's doubled back to the part of the story she's already told us. So unless she's planning to repeat all that again, she should be done. She'd have 2 really h8 us 2 retell that whole story abt sleeping @ the police station. Of course, it mite B that she does h8 us that much, & if she does, this wd mean she'll take a break 2morrow & then pick up again Monday. In which case, NE1 interested in adopting a 14yo girl? I don't eat much & I can cook pretty well. But NEway, she's like "D'oh!" supposedly just "realizing" that she left her Rx sunglasses @ the police station & doesn't know "the young officer's" name 2 get in touch. (Wasn't there also a girlcop who helped U Ma?) But duh, doesn't she know it was the Otter County police station? How hard wd that B 2 find? Then she got this evil, meddly look on her face & sed, "Well, that nice young man does know that Liz is up in Mtig, and he knows what she looks like, so mayB he'll B kind enuf 2 swing by w/my sunglasses." Dad & I looked @ each other & I sed, "Oh, so Mom, this idea only just occurred 2 U?" & she sed, "Y of course, I only just now remembered that I left those glasses there." Dad & I just looked @ ea other & rolled our eyes, but I think we both know better. So, Liz, keep an eye out 4 that cop guy w/Mom's sunglasses, K? She's totally trying 2 set up a "meet cute" 4 U.

NEway, that Audioslave show was way cube, & I also liked the opening acts, Seether & 30 seconds 2 Mars. Oh, & Chris Cornell is way cute, yo. Not as cute as Gerald, tho Gerald is cute in that fair-haired, blue-eyed way, & Chris C is cute in that dark RnR way, U know? & I'm totally wearing a scarf 2day 2 hide those hickeys Ger gave me. After the show, Gerald, Becky, Jeremy, Marjee, Vicki, & I all went 2 the 5 Alarm Diner, where Dee was w8ing 4 us, since she was stranded in Toronto. She was reading a celebrity goss mag with the cover of a pharma journal taped 2 the outside. That was kinda strange. We got cheese fries & sodas, then chocolate cake.

Well, I'll fill in some more deets abt the diner l8r. My mom's @ my door yelling @ me 2 do sum chores & if I don't publish this entry now, it'll never go up!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 9:00 AM  

28 Comments:

  • At 10:25 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I wish Becky was like you and had decided to wear a scarf to hide her hickeys from her mom. Or at least I wish I had worn a scarf to hide my hickeys. I went to work this morning at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies to open up the shop. I couldn’t sleep after being with Brenda Starr. Well my euphoria was broken when Krystle came into the shop with Becky. Krystle was in a pretty foul mood and was muttering about how Becky was turning into a roadside gig. I said, “Krystle. You know that Becky’s not that kind of girl.” She said, “I’m not stupid Howard. She was out late last night and came home with all those hickeys on her neck. The last time that happened was back last Christmas with some older boy she was dating. I know she went roadside then, because the condoms from my drawer were missing.” I said, “A hickey doesn’t mean she went roadside and you could have just misplaced those condoms. Have some faith in Becky. She’s a really nice girl.” Then Krystle saw the hickeys Brenda Starr left on my neck and she turned completely red. She started hitting me and slapping me and was saying, “She’s only a child, you pervert.” I tried to tell her my hickeys came from Brenda Starr, but Krystle said, “Right. Howard. Now tell me Madonna was massaging your feet and Shania Twain was polishing your fingernails last night. I know Becky’s spent the night at your apartment before. I trusted you, you bastard.” As soon as Becky realized what was happening she was saying, “No mom. Jeremy gave me these hickeys. Howard’s no perv. I'm going to play a party for Brenda Starr.” But Krystle would have none of it. She called us both liars, and told me I was fired and that if I ever came near Becky again, she would call the police on me.

    Anyway, I am over at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace. My 2 weeks were up from the notice I gave them, but they were more than happy to let that notice slide. I tried cleaning some things, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I told Iris, your step-grandmother the whole story when she saw me. At first she didn’t believe me about Brenda Starr, but apparently the hickeys on my neck make a little sparkle when the light catches it. When Iris saw that she said, “Those hickeys are from Brenda Starr all right. Nobody else leaves sparkly hickeys like that.” Iris is a really good listener, and it was good to talk to her, although it was distracting when she kept saying, “I wish I had some more facial tissue to give you Coward. I sure wish someone would go to the store and get me some.”

    Really sad now,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 10:44 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    whew! i just finished cleaning the house fr top 2 bottom. mom want it all spotless & perfect 4 t-giving monday.

    i've got a few minutes 2 fill in sum more deets abt the diner last nite. then i'm gonna bring the fugly dog 2 see gramps, so i'll c u 2, howard. i m so sorry 2 hear what happened @ the bakery 2day, but i have a feeling mrs. mcguire will change her mind once she cools off a bit. she still totally needs yr help doing the l8 shifts & all. i'll tell iris 2 lay off on getting u 2 do errands. tell her i'm bringing sum facial tissues when i come by with stinky, i mean dixie. & yes, i know the delicate brand she prefers.

    so, last nite. 1 of the strangest things was dee's outfit. she had one of those lingerie merry widow tops on, but with her pharma labcoat open on top of it and sensible brown pants underneath. But then u cd see she had on black fishnets & some knock-off blahnik stiletto heels.

    she was going on & on abt how she had 2 supplement their paltry income & mike thinks he's got her all brainwashed that he totally needs 2 quit the dayjob 2 write fulltime. & that he's a brilly writer who can write in ne genre. she nearly choked on her milkshake laffing abt that 1.

    ger seemed kinda distracted by what dee was wearing, & he kept running his hand up & down the outside of my thigh, whispering "u r so cute, my dulcet honeydew." then jeremy wd roll his eyes & start gnawing on becky's neck. then ger wd get inspired & gnaw on mine. which i hafta say felt really gd. marjee & vicks seemed a bit embarrassed. they both kept making jokes abt getting us rms @ the lamplighter motel. when dee heard them mention that name, she got real quiet & looked like she mite cry. but then that passed & she started 2 talk abt celebrity goss.

    well, i'd better put the leash on that doggie & take him 2 c gramps. c u soon, howard!

    apes

     

  • At 10:50 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oops, i meant "take her 2 c gramps", but u have 2 admit, dixie is pretty butch.

    apes

     

  • At 11:13 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I told Iris about you bringing the tissues for her and she said, "That April is so thoughtful. She’s going to make some gay a good wife someday. But I still need someone to go to the store for me. The cupboard is bare.” I opened the refrigerator to see and what I saw frightened me. I said, “This refrigerator is full of cheese. Havarti cheese.” Iris said, “Yes. April is bringing Dixie to visit Jim and he threw out all the leftover food last night to make room for that cheese. Don’t worry. After Dixie is gone, so will all the cheese, and there will be plenty of room for the food you get us. Here Howard, I have a list.” I said, “Don’t you remember what happened the last time Jim fed Dixie a lot of Havarti?” Iris said, “Oh Howard. That was the cheap Danish Havarti you bought. Dixie can’t stand that stuff. Jim got her the good Canadian Havarti. Dixie can eat all of that she wants. She’s a good patriotic dog.” I am going shopping for Iris now. I don’t want to be there when you bring Dixie. When I come back, I will have Iris’ food, plus a mop and a bucket.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 11:18 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, i just got 2 gramps an' iris's place & gramps was all, "my lil princess dixie! i have special treats 4 u!" & he showed us the fridge fulla havarti. u know what? i sed, nfw r u giving this dog havarti. i brought doggie biscuits w/me. u can feed her those or i can leave. yr choice." gramps looked a little teary, but he said ok. i don't trust him, tho, so i'm taking the blasted havarti 2 a soup kitchen. & i'm taking dix w/me so no funny stuff!

    apes

     

  • At 11:36 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Elizabeth,

    I just thought I would keep you up-to-date with what’s been going on here at your grandpa’s apartment. I got back from the store with the groceries for your step-grandmother Iris and a mop and bucket for Dixie. April was there with Dixie, but your grandpa Jim and Iris were just standing there glaring at her while she was feeding Dixie dog biscuits. I said, “Do you want me to put these groceries up for you?” Jim said, “There’s no room and April just said the F word to us and it was not ‘Feasible’ or ‘Freaking’” April said, “Sorry Grampster. It just came out, when I saw all that Havarti in the refrigerator. I am going to take it all to a soup kitchen when I leave.” Your grandpa was a little teary and said, “That Havarti is for Dixie. She’s a good dog and she deserves a little Havarti treat. There’s no leftover food for Dixie at your house, what with my daughter there.” Iris said to me, “You’re promised to April. Can’t you talk some sense into her?” I looked at April, but she seemed resolute. Plus I had no desire to clean up bits of Havarti Dixie again. I said, “Sorry Iris. But you know I have to do what my future wife says.” I figured she would understand that. Anyway, I told Iris I would put the groceries in the kitchen refrigerator until April takes away the Havarti. That’s where I am now.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 12:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hey, i just saw april @ the milborough cares soup kitchen, where i'm doin' community svc b/c of my trubbel w/the credit-card fraud. she just left us a bunch of havarti cheese. my supervisor sed we're gonna use this 2 make sum delicious bisk soups.

    april had that ugly dog w/her & she was saying she needed 2 prevent a big, disgusting disaster. i asked if april knew what dunc's doin' 2day, but she sed she wasn't sure.

    neway, my break's over & i've gotta help make that bisk.

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

     

  • At 12:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, i m back fr. the soup kitchen. i was gonna w8 till i left 2 take that diarrhea cheese away, but gramps kept glancing all cagey @ the fridge & trying 2 distract me by telling me 2 go look @ the view fr. the balcony. i knew he cd not b trusted. i don't know what his prob is that he's obsessed w/feeding ratface something that gives her xplosive poops. yeh, i guess it's true that he figs he doesn't have 2 clean it up himself when he can xploit howard & have him do the dirty work. but still, there's the stink & the general ew-gross of it all.

    btw, i can tell iris totally agrees w/me. when i was clearing the cheez out fr. the fridge, she whispered "thank god" & told me she has my back 2morrow when i'm supposta cook 4 every1. i guess she's pretty cube in her own way. (i don't know y i sed that abt "monday" above, since we r having our big dinner 2morrow. tho we r having sum peeps ovr 4 tea on monday.)

    apes

     

  • At 12:32 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Based on Kimmi's and your post, I guess it's safe to move Iris' food to her apartment. Thanks for saving me from a nasty clean up job and I am sure the homeless will appreciate that bisk soup. I remember back during the war, when Canadian troops landed in Brest, France; we had to live on bisk soups or bisque as the frogs called them. Of course, we didn’t use fine Canadian Havarti to make the soups. He had to use cream or buttermilk. Ah, those were the days. I just got the shivers. I never used to talk about being in World War II like that. I wasn’t even alive then. I wonder if I am getting sick.

    Anyway, April. I am glad that Iris is helping you out with Thanksgiving cooking. I am planning to have Thanksgiving with my aunt Winnie and uncle Melville. I think they invited me so that I can cook, which is OK because I like cooking up big meals. My parents said they might join us, but who knows. I haven’t had Thanksgiving with them in years, and they are not particularly fond of my aunt and uncle.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 12:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, howard, it's safe. guess what? i just rec'd a txt fr. becks saying her mom is already sorry abt what she sed & u r totally unfired if u will still have her. gramps is cranky & sez he wants 2 lie down. when u come back, i can walk w/u 2 the bakeshop if u like. becks sez her mom has a peace offering.

    apes

     

  • At 2:29 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Sorry to keep you waiting. I had a clean up in the lobby from 3 seniors fighting over a walker using their denture adhesive. They were all 3 stuck to the walls, and it took awhile to get them unstuck. I'll be right up, if you are still there.

    Toodles
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 2:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey, Apes! Did I miss NEthing? I heard my mom yelling @ me on the answering machine yesterday aft, Duncan I no your there, Duncan pick up the phone, so I did an' she goes, y r u home, the school called me @ work 'cos u missed 2 days, an' I go, u never told me I could come out of my room. My mom was quiet 4 a min, an' then she goes, I cant Blieve how stoopid u r, go 2 school. So I went 2 school but school was over by then.

    I heard my mom tell my dad this am that yr mom called my mom an' asked us 2 come over 2morrow 4 "a traditional Canadian Tgiving dinner." My mom says 2 my dad that she was surprised by the invite an' didnt no how 2 say no, but shes afraid evry1 will get salmonella fr the turkey if yr moms cooking it.

    L8r. Im meeting Kimmi @ Horny Tims 2 tell her something but I hafta tell her B4 I tell NE1 else.

    p.s. I called the travel agency an' pretended 2 B my dad an' cancelled the plane ticket 2 Barbados. No goat farm 4 MCDunC.

    p.p.s. Pls hide the chess game B4 Mike gets there.

     

  • At 2:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, i'm still here. i was reviewing sum recipes w/iris.

    apes

     

  • At 2:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, don't worry, i'm doing the cooking. my mom will take credit, tho.

    i hope u don't get in 2 much trub 4 missing so much school!

    apes

     

  • At 2:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yr secret's safe w/me, dee. i don't know how u manage 2 live w/mike. oh, dunc, i 4got 2 say. i hid the chess set behind the dictionary. mike will nev. lk there since he thinx he 2 good a writer 2 look things up in a dictionary 2 make sure he's using the rite word, lol.

    apes

    p.s. howard & i r about 2 walk 2 the bakeshop.

     

  • At 3:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, u have my total sympathy. is yr ma gonna give u credit 4 the cooking, or is she gonna take credit like my mom?

    neway, i got home a few minutes ago, & my mom handed me the menu she wants me 2 prep. it turns out she got it fr. a website. she wants me to make every single dish listed here, including the three diff turkey dishes & 4 diff desserts. no, actually, she sez that's not enuf desserts, so in addition i'm supposed 2 make sum baklava, crepes suzettes, viennese anise cookies, cream puffs, and chocolate mousse.

    i hafta do a bunch of prep this afternoon & do as much stuff in advance as i can, just like u. i'm so glad dunc will b here 2morrow so i don't need 2 b bored 2 tears.

    apes

     

  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i just saw that post after i posted. if u can, pls tell ger i'm @ home.

    apes

     

  • At 3:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest Howard,

    I do apologise for my sudden departure last night. I don't want you to think that I am that type of girl. I simply had some urgent business to attend to. However, I did not intend to cause problems in your personal life. After reading your post, I decided it would behoove me to do a little pastry shopping.

    Krystal's Kakes is a fine establishment. Becky's mother is an interesting woman to say the least. I asked after you Howard, since I knew you have been working there. The crazy bi..I mean the woman went off on me. "That pervert will never set foot in my establishment again! Do you know what he's been doing with my daughter?" I kindly introduced myself and she sputtered a moment. I then explained in delicate detail the evening Howard and I spent together. I also explained that Howard genuinly perfers to associate with people of his own persuasion and that his evening with me was a one off. It was difficult to console and convince her. It took taking her to lunch and slipping a little pill into her drink. I did disabuse her of the theory that her beautiful daughter is far from being a roadside gig and explained to her a mother's role and how she's simply been a poor mother and a poor example for her daughter, as she's constantly busy being a roadside gig herself. She is now a much happier and relaxed person and after a good nap she should be unchaining Rebecca from her duties and letting Becky have the rest of the day off. If she doesn't, please give me a call and I will visit again.

    Howard, you and I now have an invitation to and will be spending Thanksgiving at Becky's house as well as visiting at the Patterson abode.

    I went to a little bookstore down the road from the bakery and encountred a horrible shrew of a woman. I heard her mutter something about my long flowing red tresses. "Look at that hair," she muttered to her clinging flunky. "That is the mark of a very loose woman." I heard the words, "Streetwalker and roadside gig!" I turned on her angrily and said, "Do you know who you I am?" I explained to her that I am Brenda Starr famous repoter. She began fawning all over me, telling me what a fan she is and about her famous editor son and how he admires my work. It wasn't until the wretch introduced me as Elly Patterson that understanding dawned. Therefore, Howard we also have a date at the Patterson residence for dinner. I hope you have a tie.

    You will find my number on top of your fridgerator under that strange picture of the Elvis impersonator.

    Love always,
    Brenda Starr

     

  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    k, becks, i'll b there in abt 15 mins.

    apes

     

  • At 4:44 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I see why you guys like typing omg. But oh my god, I am going out with Brenda Starr to not one but two Thanksgiving dinners. I have her number and I called her. Oh my god. And she called me dearest. Oh my god.

    Becky, I know you told me not to come to your Thanksgiving, but I don’t care how many cops see me with felons if I am with Brenda Starr. Oh my god.

    I am looking forward to seeing your uncle Ralph and aunt Mark and Thorvald again. They will be so, so jealous I am with Brenda Starr. I can hardly wait to see their faces, when I show up with her. Oh my god. Plus it will be nice to meet your other relations and their little animal friends. I am a little nervous about Rita Begler though. But that is probably because she was associated with Mary Worth (scary woman). Oh, the restaurant reviewers were my idea, so don’t blame your mom. I set that up a long time ago before your mom and I had our fight this morning. I was supposed to make a pastry sampler for you to take to represent the shop at your dinner. Of course, now I am going with Brenda Starr, I can just bring it myself. Oh my god. I am going with Brenda Starr. Oh my god.

    Just to let you know, I used to work in a pet restaurant a long time ago, so I will also bring some special treats for the dog, cat and goldfish. It will be a little healthier for them than the pumpkin pie. Don’t worry about that, OK? Sometimes pets can get really particular and nasty about Thanksgiving food. I have no idea why your mom invited the liaison officer from the ministry of children and youth services, though. Maybe it’s a friend of Rick’s, since they both work government jobs. I just got your mom’s booze order and I’m dropping it by your house as you requested. After that I’m heading back to the bakery for the evening shift. I hope to see you there.

    April, I am also looking forward to having Thanksgiving at your house. I would like to meet Duncan’s parents. Plus I don’t think I have ever been formally introduced to your brother and his family. From reading Deanna posts, it sounds like she is a very traditional and supportive woman. I hope that Duncan’s special meeting with Kimmi is to invite her to your house also. That would be really cube. I saw the list of food that both you and Becky have to prepare, and just to let you know, I am more than willing to help out. Just let me know what you haven’t done, and I will make it and drop it off at your respective houses.

    Oh my god. I am going with Brenda Starr. I just can’t believe it. You may need to pinch me when I get to the bakery to make sure I am not dreaming.

    In 7th Heaven,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 5:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so i had 2 escort ger 2 his house cuz i've been baking all the desserts 2day, & based on what becky sed abt his behaviour 2day, he'd totally eat everything & i'd b so, so scrod.

    howard, dunc's 'rents r pretty nice, tho u can xpect his dad & mine 2 go off in2 their choo-choo talk, which every1 else finds totally boring. my mom is totally psyched abt brenda starr coming & so is mike. something abt how ms. starr is an important contact who can help w/mike's career.

    well, back 2 the grindstone.

    apes

    p.s. howard, mayB u cd do some of the stuffings? take a look @ that recipe link i posted b4 & let me know. if not, i'll b ok.

     

  • At 5:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ms. McGuire,

    I understand you have reservations about Howard and I attending your family Thankgsgiving dinner. Rest assured, I am quite skilled in the art of observation. You will hardly know I'm there. Additionally, I will insure that Howard remains as covert as possible. He is under my care and you need not worry about him nor stress. However, if it is too upsetting to your person, Howard and I can refrain from attendance. I do that considering your familial situation you may need emotional back up.

    That being said, I still would like to maintain our business meeting. I want to make sure all is agreeable to yourself.

    Howard, be a dear and calm yourself down darling. I'm just Brenda. Forget the Starr part for now.

    Respectfully,
    Brenda

     

  • At 6:29 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Oh my god. Brenda Starr told me to just call her Brenda. Oh my god. By the by, Ypsilanti is in Michigan in the lower 48. I doubt the Canadian government would send you there. I wouldn’t worry about the person from child services. Once they see that you have Brenda Starr at your Thanksgiving, they will know that your family is completely cube, no matter what else may happen. Oh my god. Brenda Starr.

    April, I can completely understand why your mom and your brother are excited about Brenda coming to your Thanksgiving too. Oh my god. By the by, for the andouille sausage dressing, do you want me to use the spicy smoked Cajun andouille or the milder French andouille sausage. I already have bangers, so I could use those instead, if that’s OK. Oh my god, I am making stuffing that Brenda Starr could eat. Oh my god.

    Elizabeth, I am so impressed that Brenda wants to do a "human interest story" about you. I don’t know why you are not interested. It’s Brenda Starr, for Pete’s sake. If Brenda asks me any questions, I will be sure to put in a good word for you. I hope she does. That would be so cube. When our cat, Mrs. Fluffy White Bottoms, went into heat, it took about 3-4 days for her to be done with it. Shiimsa has been in heat since Tuesday, so she should be getting close to finished. I wish you could be here with us over Thanksgiving, because Brenda Starr will be there. Oh my god.

    Very excited,
    Howard Kelpforth

     

  • At 6:57 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Just a reporter! Becky, please! If you are going to perform for Brenda Starr's party, you have to have proper respect. There is nothing inconspicuous about Brenda. The greatest music stars on the planet would gladly perform for Brenda Starr for free, and she is choosing you. Becky, I am so proud of you I could just burst.

    Brenda Starr can give you a lot more publicity than you got from the Robert Freeman party. By the by, did anyone tape the Robert Freeman reality TV show off of U.S. cable? I think it was suppose to have aired by now, but I have heard nothing. Oh well, it doesn't matter, because you are going to get to perform for Brenda Starr. Oh my god.

    Jubilant,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

  • At 8:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, the bangers r fine. liz, no worries abt merrie's bday. it's actually monday, but mom jumped the gun publicizing it. i will make sure merrie gets all her prezzies w/the proper credit 2morrow when she's here w/mike an' dee.

    brenda, i m looking forward 2 meeting u, but everything that gets sed or done @ our house 2morrow will also have 2 b off the record.

    apes

     

  • At 10:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, btw, when mom decided we were going 2 have sum ppl over 4 t on monday, she'd totally 4gotten that we'll b going over 2 mike an' dee's 4 merrie's bday then. apparently, dee had 2 remind her when they talked this evening & mom tried 2 play it like she hadn't 4gotten, but she totally had.

    so rite after she hung up w/dee, she frantically called the enjos, anne & steve, & connie & greg 2 cancel. lol.

    so, liz, i will make sure merrie gets yr gift @ her party mon.

    apes

     

  • At 12:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    howeird. the freeman reality tv show moved its premiere 2 sunday, nov. 6. becks & me r keeping up w/thingz.

     

  • At 3:19 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I had planned to have Thanksgiving with my uncle Melville and aunt Winnie, but when I told them I was going to two Thanksgivings with Brenda Starr, they said that this was not an opportunity to be missed. They understand Brenda is not a simple celebrity, but she is a cultural icon. They entirely approved of my drooling and fawning. Years ago, they got to have dinner with the late Judy Garland and they said Brenda is in the same category as Judy. By the by, they are looking forward to meeting you during Merrie’s birthday party at your brother’s place on Monday. I completely forgot that your sister-in-law Deanna had given them an invitation to come until they mentioned it. On the phone they were getting so tickled about the birthday party, I think that they have some good-natured mischief in mind. When you see them, remember not to take anything they do seriously, OK?

    After Becky left Krystle’s Kakes and Pies for her meeting with Brenda Starr, I was left to man the place by myself. Something happened that really confused me, and I need to talk to you about it. A man and a woman and 2 children came into the shop. I immediately recognized them as Gordon and Tracey Mayes. They ordered some pastries and sat down at a table with their kids and then Tracey came up to the counter. She said, “Howard Kelpfroth, it’s good to see you again.” I said, “I can’t say the same. The last time I saw you, you had a gun pointed at my head.” Tracey said, “The last time I saw you, you had your hands around my husband’s neck.” “Touché” I said. “Are you here to threaten my life?” Tracey said, “Heavens no, Howard. We’re here with our kids, Rosemary and Paul. We’re just enjoying some pastries at the hottest new pastry place in Milborough. Nothing more than that.”

    Then she paused and said, “Actually, that’s not entirely true. I did come here specifically to speak to you.” I said, “I don’t think we have anything to talk about.” Tracey said, “Howard. First of all, I must apologize for all those things that happened before. I love my husband. He is a nice man, a hard worker, a good husband and a terrific father. But he is a terrible business manager and has a weakness for gangster movies. He somehow got the foolish idea that using force was how to run a business, and he started doing things like he was a godfather of Milborough crime. What happened between him and you was not supposed to happen.”

    I said, “I do not accept your apology. In fact, I told Sgt. Renforth, RCMP and the person in charge of Operation Navette all about you and Gordon. Sooner or later, you’re going to jail.” Tracey said, “Howard. Operation Navette is a joke, and not a very good one at that. Their idea of surveillance is to have Anthony Caine put bugged flowers in a room. You can’t depend on them to keep you out of jail. I, on the other hand, can keep you out of jail. It would be very easy to get those charges against you dropped.” I said, “I can’t trust you. You threatened Rhetta Blum and her father.” Tracey said, “No. Gangster Gordon AKA Mr. Rusty Shakleford of Brampton threatened them. When I found out what had happened, I had a visit with poor Rhetta Blum’s father and explained everything. We have a nice business arrangement now, that’s legal with contracts and everything. I think both parties are quite satisfied with the outcome.”

    I said, “What do you mean, poor Rhetta Blum?” Tracey said, “Rhetta never understood how things run in Milborough and now she pays the price for it.” I said I didn’t understand. Tracey explained, “In Milborough, the women run everything. All through high school I told Rhetta to get a proposal from her boyfriend Mike Patterson, and to make sure she had a backup gay. But she wanted Mike to propose to her without being influenced to do it and now look at her – single, no prospects and no backup gay.” I said, “So Tracey, you have a backup gay in addition to Gordon.” Tracey said, “I sure do. Back in high school I set up Gordon as my straight and Lawrence Poirier as my backup gay. The smart girls all do it. In fact, I understand that April Patterson has set you up as her backup gay.” I said, “That’s just something we say to get April’s step-grandmother Iris off April’s back. April’s not planning to stay in Milborough after high school, so we’ll never actually get married.” Tracey said, “Believe what you want. I just know that there is no one else that Gordon and I consider to be mature enough or smart enough to trust to baby-sit our kids. You see Howard, I am not dangerous. Your friend April has never been afraid of me, and I feel certain that she will tell you that herself. You can ask her, if you don’t believe me.” I said I would do just that.

    Then Tracey said, “Howard. Please understand, I want to have those charges against you dropped. I need to correct the error that was made. It was never my intent for you to attack Elizabeth Patterson in order to make Anthony Caine look good.” I said, “I thought you told me that you were trying to create an air of legitimacy for your crime family by getting Anthony Caine and Elizabeth Patterson together.” Tracey said, “My husband believes childhood sweethearts should be married like we were. He really wants Anthony and Liz together. He even took Liz around to see Anthony at his house during the summer and gave her a big sob story about how Anthony wanted to love his wife Thérèse, but couldn’t. That was not my plan at all. Anthony is already married and half-dead with old age.” I said, “So what was your plan?” Tracey smiled and said, “My plan was for you to marry Liz as her back-up gay. I was tired of seeing my good friend Liz continue to date one loser after another, so I asked Lawrence for a recommendation. He told me you were a good guy and would make a great husband. But Gordon likes Anthony so much; he changed that plan around so that Anthony would rescue Liz from you. He buggered the whole thing up.” I was flabbergasted and said, “But I don’t like girls that way. Why would you think I would like Elizabeth that way?” Tracey said, “You don’t seem to understand how a back-up gay works. It’s not about sex. It’s about appearance.”

    I said, “Do you have a point to all this?” Tracey said, “Yes, Howard. The first point is that I don’t want you in jail. The second point is that you can trust me. Ask your friend April. The third point is that I want you to work for me.” I was dismayed and said, “I am not going to be your hired goon.” Tracey said, “I don’t need a goon. I need someone to run our restaurant.” I was shocked. Tracey said, “Mayes Midtown Motors has an attached restaurant that needs someone to run it and cook for it. It’s a legitimate business, but it has been losing money.

    I have been watching what you did for this dump, and I was extremely impressed with how you set up contracts for this business that did not depend on the eating habits of Elly Patterson for its continued survival. At our restaurant, you will get complete creative control and run it however you like. You will get a percentage of the profits and a guaranteed salary that will far exceed what you get paid here, which I understand is currently nothing.” I said, “Krystle will get around to paying me. She’s just been very busy.” Tracey said, “Right. As a part of this deal, I will arrange for all charges to be dropped including those from Elizabeth Patterson and I will arrange for you to be able to rejoin the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera.” I was still wary. Tracey said, “Look Howard. Monday is Thanksgiving, so this place will not be open. Ask your friend April if you can trust me. Then if she says yes, why don’t you come by Mayes Midtown Motors on Monday and I can show you the restaurant facilities? You see Howard. I am not the godmother of Milborough crime. I am just a mother and businesswoman, offering you a legitimate job and offering to put your life back the way it should be.” I said, “So you still want me to marry Elizabeth Patterson?” Tracey said, “Heavens no. You’re promised to April now. Liz is just going to have to fend for herself. Will you at least consider my offer?” I told her I would talk to you and then think about it. So, April, this is the question. Can I trust Tracey Mayes?

    Anxiously awaiting your answer,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

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