April's Real Blog

Friday, October 07, 2005

Is that the moral of the story, or does that come tomorrow?

So after allllllll that blahblahblah from Mom this week & last, she told us that when she & Liz returned from the big pow-wow, she finally understood why Liz had wanted 2 come to Mtriggerhappy, and that's cuz "It's a place where one can learn." But which "one" is she talkin' abt? She's been on & on abt everything she's learned abt native culture, but the kids Lizzie is teaching are native. They know abt this stuff already. I tried asking Mom abt this but she cut me off & told me 2 put my hair up. Yikes! With all the drama surrounding the Audioslave concert 2nite, I'd 4gotten about doing my uggo little propellor bun. So I had 2 go back upstairs 2 do that, but of course it only stayed that way until abt 5 mins in2 the busride 2 school.

So, it turns out Jeremy and Becky were rite abt Chad bein' a stoner. He was like, "So can U get sum gd stuff fr. yr bro's friend Weed?" & I was like, "No, he's called 'Weed' cuz his last name is Weeder." Then he sed, "Well what about yr big sis? Can't she hook me up w/sum Mtigwaki Gold?" & I sed "No, the only thing my sis can hook U up w/ is Elmer's glue & pressed maple leaves." & While he was takin' that in, Angelica LaSalle came up 2 us & said, "I don't know how Kimmi got the idea that her Audioslave ticket was up 4 grabs, but it's not! I'm the one driving 2 the concert & I get 2 decide who gets the ticket next 2 me, & it's not gonna B sum grade-9 stoner! I'm taking Tyrone Slothrop with me"! Tyrone's in grade 12, & he has a rep 4 being oversexed, even by a teenage boy's standards.

Ger, I don't know what world yr docs live in, but no way can I massage yr privates 4 U. Don't they know that I'm 14? & you're 14? & that massaging yr boy bits wd B, like, 3rd base? There's gotta B another way. But I M not mad @ U NEmore. U shd thank Becky 4 that & stop h8ing her so much, K?

Well, the bell just rang, so I've gotta go!

Apes out


  • At 10:02 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dearest little limesicle,

    I had an early appointment with my doctors this morning. I was fairly certain that you would reject the lingam massage idea, so I told them it would not be feasible. I explained that you and I were just not ready to go that far yet. Of course, they immediately wanted to know if my "main girlfriend" Becky would do it, so I took that opportunity to finally disabuse them of the notion that you are merely my auxiliary girlfriend. Unfortunately, they now think that you are my main girlfriend and that Becky is the auxiliary, but at least progress has been made. Perhaps soon I will get the whole matter straightened out with them.

    They decided to cut my Prozac dosage in half and to give me something called Risperdal. They said the new drug would help me overcome some of my quasi-delusional problems. When I asked Dad what that meant, he said, "It means your obsession with Julius Caesar is probably an indication that a total psychic collapse is imminent." I was quite annoyed with him at the time, but since I took my new pill, I find that I just don't care too much about stinky old Julius anymore.

    I'm not sure that my opinion of Becky has changed much. After all, she was only speaking the plain truth to you yesterday when she took up on my behalf.

    Sincerely your lover whose desire for passionate amour should return in 7-10 days, Gerald

  • At 10:08 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I had an interesting conversation with your mother this morning. She came into Krystle’s Kakes and Pies and was checking over the fresh pastries, when she said to me, “Those pastries look so good Roberta, I don’t know from which one to choose my usual 2 dozen.” Then she said, “I hope you don’t mind me calling you Roberta, your stage name. I don’t like your real name, Coward.” I said I didn’t mind. Then she said, “Why did your parents call you that?” I lied and said, “I think it was because they didn’t think I was brave.” Your mother responded, “Speaking of braves, did I tell you about my most recent trip to visit my daughter, the teacher in Mtigwaki?” I cringed in fear as I said, “No, Mrs. P.” She said, “It was a most wonderful trip. I told Elizabeth that I finally understood why she’s wanted to come to Mtigwaki to teach….It’s a place where one can learn.” She stood there for a moment, sighing. Then I said, “What do you mean? Your daughter couldn’t teach in Milborough, because you can’t learn in Milborough?” Your mother was nonplussed. She said, “Of course you can learn in Milborough, Becky’s nice music teacher. You should know that, since you teach music. I just didn’t understand why she wanted to teach over there, until that trip.” I said, “How long has she been teaching there?” Elly said, “Just over a year.” I said, “And you didn’t talk to her about why she was there until your trip?” Elly said, “Of course we did Roberta, but until I took the trip, I did not finally understand why. One can learn there.” And then there was another deep sigh.

    I had enough of the mumbo jumbo, so I said, “Well, what did you learn in Mtigwaki?” Mrs. P’s eyes got all big and she said, “I learned that the natives allow nature to take care of dead and decaying animals, by waiting for winter to freeze them.” I said, “They don’t bury them in the woods or use freezers?” Elly said, “No. That is not the native way. I learned that native bears poop in order to give the natives a friendly warning of their presence.” I said, “You mean they poop on purpose?” Elly said, “Yes. The bears in Mtigwaki are specially trained for pooping. That’s the native way. I learned that the natives keep their pow-wow grounds unchanged and unsullied from the times of their ancestors and don’t fix them or upgrade them.” I said, “Why don’t they fix them?” Elly said, “The native way is to wait until someone raises the money, which apparently never happens. This shows it is the will of Mother Earth for the structure to go unrepaired. I learned that natives think iPods are cool.” I said, “Well they are cool.” Elly said, “I learned that when the grass gets too long, the natives have special grass dancers to press it down.” I said, “They don’t have lawnmowers?” Elly said, “Lawnmowers are not the native way. Plus I learned that the grass dancers are also responsible for crop circles.” I said, “I’m glad it’s not aliens.” Elly laughed at that and then said, “I learned that natives believe in intense and passionate shopping.” I said, “So their god is a shopping god?” Elly said, “Yes, Mother Earth loooooves her shopping. I learned the difference between porcupine quills and plastic.” I said, "What’s the difference?” Elly said, “About 20 dollars. I learned that natives like to see and speak the truth.” I said with interest, “And what truth did they tell you?” Elly said, “I am the warden that saves the buttocks of the poor mongrels who are flea bitten! It was so kind and so true about how I take care of our dogs Edgar and Dixie. I learned that you have to take off your eagle feather bustle, if you are going potty.” I said, “That’s important. You wouldn’t want to poop on your bustle.” Elly said, “Yes. Pooping on your bustle is not the native way. I learned that the natives like to burn tobacco and cedar, because they are sacred plants.” I said, “Wouldn’t they want to burn the plants that weren’t sacred?” Elly said, “No. Natives like to burn the sacred stuff. They tried to tell me that my camera and notepad were sacred, but my daughter stopped them from allowing me to receive that honour. Then I learned that at sunset, all the ‘special’ guests of the pow-wow are asked to leave.” I said, “Were you a ‘special’ guest?” Elly said, “Yes I was and I was so proud, because my daughter and I were the only ones asked to leave the pow-wow grounds before sunset. It was quite an honour.” I said, “That sounds like a very educational trip. I think I finally understood what you were talking about with the learning.” Elly said, “You know Roberta, before this trip I used to be convinced that the right thing for Elizabeth to do was to marry her childhood sweetheart and live in Milborough. But now, I think the right thing for her is to marry a nice native boy and make me some half-breed grandchildren or as they call them, Metis. The whole way back from Mtigwaki to Milborough, I showed her picture to every single native man I could find.” I said, “How did you do that?” Your mom said, “Roberta, you’re a white woman, so I can tell you this trick. You park on the side of the road and take a nap. Eventually a single native man will find you and wake you up. It works like a charm, although it made the trip back home take a week.” I said, “Wasn’t that a little dangerous?” Elly said, “Yes. I was even in jail for a little bit, but I am sure that Liz will be pleased with the results.” I said, “In jail?” Then your mother opened her purse and pulled out some pictures of her behind bars. I said, “That was kind of you to go through all that for your daughter. I’m sure she appreciated it.” Elly said, “No, she didn’t. But she will in time.” And then she left. Anyway, your mother got through that story pretty quickly, so maybe she is getting better.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:53 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Oh yeah the Natives have oh so much to teach us. Yeah Ma that's why I'm up here. There not like normal people you know. Heck their poop doesn't even stink!

    I came up here to get away from suffication. I came up here so I could breath. And I'm not talking about being sufficated by the big smoke here.

    There have been several repercussions from Mom's whole ad campaign. I'm just so sick of it all that I've given up blocking it out. I check my old e-mail from time to time. The mail box has exceeded its limits so I'm leaving it that way. There have been a few men who've come looking for me but Gary and the others have managed to chase them off. But, here is the scary part, a reporter from Toronto was just up here and wanted to interview me about a human interest story they've decided to do on mother's desperate to marry off their daughters. I said, "No comment." I'm not eager to appear in anymore newspapers.

  • At 10:53 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 10:55 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Sorry about the deleted post Apes. For some reason blogger double posted me.

  • At 10:57 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, ger, i looked up the meds online & it sed that it's 4 bipolar disorder. r u manic-depressive now? i'm glad the meds r helping u, i'd luv 2 have my ger-bear back. but i think u need 2 give sum props 2 becky. u mite think it's just sayin' the truth, but becky didn't have 2 do that 4 u.

    howard, i'm glad u got mom 2 xplain just what she thinks she learned up there. when i asked her, she was like "april, it shd be obvious!" & stomped off 2 find sum scones.

    liz, i'm sorry 2 hear that mom's ad campaign is still making trub 4 u. freakydeaky mom!


  • At 11:05 AM, Anonymous dr. aloysius forsythe said…

    Dear children,

    Gerald informed me that you have some questions about his medication regimen. Therefore I am making this post. Never fear, I have not read any of the other posts on this blog.

    No, Gerald is not bipolar. Risperdal is an anti-psychotic medication, primarily used for treatment of schizophrenics. They do give it to bipolar patients on occasion, but it's usually a second- or third-line treatment, and then typically used in conjunction with mood stabilizers. They can have anti-manic effects, but this is primarily because they're sedating.

    Anti-depressant medications can, on rare occasions, cause psychotic symptoms. Gerald will only take Risperdal briefly, until his obsession goes away. He won't need it after the Prozac level in his system goes down.

    I hope this allays your adolescent concerns.

    Dr. Aloysius Forsythe
    Psychoanalyst Extraordinaire

  • At 11:22 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, ger, pls thank yr dad 4 clearing that up.


  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    so gerald is psycho. it's not like this is stunning news.

    actually he called me crying last nite saying he wuz all afraid he might of ruined his relationship w/ u apes actually he put it something like "i think the burning embers of her passionate amour 4 me may have been extinguished 4evah." i totally had 2 fight my gag reflex there. then he goes "mayb our couple has disbanded" an' then he paused like he expected me 2 laff an' i totally didn't an' then he goes "u know, like wedding bands? disBANDed!" an' i still didn't laff so he slammed down the phone so hard that i could hear it ring the bell on his phone just as the line cut off. of course he called me back like 2 minutes later an' begged me 2 help him win u back. i promised 2 help mostly cuz i m so bored rite now i haven't got ne calls 4 gigs lately.

    u will have 2 let me know what u think of ger's romantic methods. he got sum of his new moves frum me.


  • At 11:37 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i m sure whatev u have 2 teach ger, it will b better than the hokey stuff his granddad taught him during grade-8.


  • At 12:04 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    April, my darling daffodil,

    Please go peek in your locker at your earliest convenience. I left you a small token of my affection there. I would let you be surprised, but it is perishable, so I want you to retrieve it as soon as possible.

    With devotion, Gerald

  • At 12:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mm, ger, that bear claw pastry u left me was delish! it's so sweet of u 2 remember that time u were over & i made a batch of these but we nev. got 2 eat ne cuz ma still had that tapeworm & she 8 them all ev. tho it was a dubl batch.


  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Just a friendly warning. If April's mom finds out that you can make pastries, she will implant a subcutaneous GPS tracker on you. Watch out.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard is rite, ger, we'd better keep that secret fr. my mom.

    btw, it turns out that in his confusion yesterday, when ger asked vivianne 2 go 2 the concert w/him yesterday, he overlooked the lil deet that he didn't have tix. the whole idea of inviting ger in the 1st place was that kimmi sed her ticket was up 4 grabs & becks's orig. ticket was gonna go 2 maynard. but then as i mentioned in 2day's blog entry, angelica lasalle is giving her xtra ticket 2 tyrone slothrop. but gd news, ger. it turns out maynard has 2 do the nite shift 2nite @ the warehouse. i just got off the phone w/marjee & she sez u r welcome 2 her xtra ticket if u want.


  • At 1:03 PM, Anonymous marjee mahaha said…

    Hello! I didn't get a chance to catch up with yesterday's comments till now, & I see Howard wanted me to comment on "yoni massage." I don't know from yoni, but whatever it was Howard did that nite was pure heaven. (Sorry Nardo, but it's true. I still love U best, tho, my cuddly barbarian!)


  • At 1:56 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    I'm so sorry Apes an' Liz that ur mom is having another one of those Patterson Moments of Xtra Deep Profundity....lol. "It's a place where one can learn." Oh, like u can't learn things NEplace else? Marjee could tell u the same thing, that our mom gets sooo annoyed w/the attitudes of tourists who place First Nations on some sort of pedestal an' totally ignore the high levels of alcoholism an' drug abuse an' school dropout rates n the population. Sumthing about the "soft bigotry of low expectations," as she puts it.

    NEway, I'm so stoked for the show tonight! I'm debating putting purple streaks n my hair. Marjee said they'd look good w/the edgy outfit I've planned. NE ideas?

  • At 2:34 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Vicki Simone,

    I am not fond of purple streaks myself. It simply does not look good in red hair. It could look good in your hair depending on what you have chosen for your outfit. If you went with my suggested earth tones (which I doubt since it would not be edgy), then purple streaks are a definite no. Tell us what you are planning to wear and don't leave out any details.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:46 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    I'm planning on wearing a dark grey girls' Audioslave short-sleeve T-shirt w/black cargo pants an' my black Doc Martens. I prolly should bring my black Vans hoody n case it's cold outside an' if I'm chilly at a diner we all might go to after the show. I've seen some people bring backpacks 2 concerts, an' I don't wanna bring that or a purse since those get lost/stolen easily. So the pockets'll b handy 4 my wallet, lipstick, eyeliner an' breath mints n case I meet NE cute guys at the show (n my dreams, I know!).

    I took ur advice, Howard, an' made sure I wasn't wearing all black, an' I thought purple would add more colour. An' I just redyed my hair red, so I shouldn't damage it NE further, as Marjee pointed out. Plus w/longer hair it takes a while to add colour. Bring on the opinions, style gurus!

  • At 4:21 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Vicki Simone,

    The grey T and the black pants and hoody mean you are neutral on the clothes, so it will not clash with any hair streak colour you use. With red hair, you need a colour that is not a red-variant. So, I don’t recommend purple, pink or orange. Black streaks could work, and would match the outfit. With your skin tones, I think a lighter colour streak would work better, like a light blue, yellow or platinum. You’ll look hot. By the by, I have met some cute guys at concerts before. Of course, they were symphonies and not a classic power ballad band like Audioslave, so the audience was a little different. That’s my input. Others?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i did a purple streak once & i really liked it @ 1st, but i got sick of it pretty quick. so whatev u do, i'd suggest something temporary. lite blue wd be cube.


    p.s. i'll c u in 20 when we all meet up @ marjee's salon.

  • At 4:54 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Thanks, Howard an' Apes. I'll c if Marjee can put in 2 light blue streaks on each side of my hair since I part it on the left. It sounds like u listen to my dad's music, Howard, so mayB I should take him up on his offers 2 take me to the Montreal Symphony's concerts.

    NEway, I'll see u all @ the salon in 10!

  • At 5:25 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My scrumptious little bear claw,

    I'm so glad you liked your gift. Don't worry, I didn't make it myself. I told Becky what I wanted to give you, and she brought one to school this morning from her mom's bakery. I asked her to make sure it was very fresh, and not one that had been in the room while Krystle and Rick had sordid sexual relations in the bakery's kitchen.

    Yours with fanatical devotion, Gerald

    P.S. When you looked at me in health class with those big luminous brown eyes of yours, I think Big Gerald moved!

  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    u know i went 2 the shop earlee 2 get the bear claw i grabbed the 1st 1 mom got done an' i put it in that special bakery box w/ the colored string an' everything an' when i wuz going out the door, jelly fatterson came in. she smelled the yummy aroma of the fresh bear claw an' those drool streamers started down her chin i had 2 jump back 2 keep the spit frum getting on me. she goes "oh do i smell donuts?" an' i go "yeah they're almost ready" an' jelly looks me up an' down an' spies the box an' goes "what's in that box, little becky?" an' i go "school supplies" an' she goes "they don't smell like school supplies!" an' i totally had to fake left an' go right 2 get around her an' out the door. she grabbed 4 me but all she got wuz my scarf. ger u would totally owe me a new scarf xxcept jelly left it bhind at the bakery.


    p.s. can't wait 4 audioslave! i m wearing my turquoise baby doll t shirt that sez "classy dame" on it an' my black capri pants an' those blue bjorn sneaks i have that look kinda like bowling shoes but totally not.

  • At 5:52 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becks. mom wants 2 drop us off early so she won't have 2 fite traffic n toronto. if we r goin' 2 the diner w/april and vicki aftah, my mom wants 2 which 1 for when she picks us up. or we cud go sumplace else just the 2 of us. lemme know.

  • At 6:12 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Dear Becky,

    I have heard that you are quite adept at entertaining at parties. I am going to have a little soirée in a week for which I will need some, descrete entertainment.

    I am asking that you keep this on the hush as I don't want it getting out to all my cohorts at the newspaper that I'm throwing a party, especially Hank and Mr. Bottomline.

    Elly Patterson does take time to tell a story, but then so do I. A tale worth telling should often be savored, but I digress.

    I would like to set up a meeting with you to discuss wages and any performance requirements you may have. Additionally, I would like to hear a sample of your work.

    Also, please do bring along any members of your band who would like to come along, especially April Patterson.

    When you all arrive, we will discuss a little interview piece I have in mind. I'm sure exposure in a metropolitan newspaper would benefit your careers and be quite an exciting prospect for talented new-comers such as yourselves.

    Please let me know if you find my proposition for a meeting to disscuss my up comming party.

    Brenda Starr

  • At 6:27 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    Dear Miss Starr,

    I would be delighted to accept your invitation. When I make an initial contact with a potential new client, I prefer to have a one-on-one meeting. I would expect you to meet the other talent at a later date if you wanted, of course.

    Obviously, we would make a separate date for any interviews for your newspaper. I am sure we would both like to keep the party work separate from any publicity you are kind enough to give us.

    I'm sorry I had to post this business correspondence on a blog, but you did not give me any contact information.

    Sincerely yours, Rebecca McGuire

  • At 6:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so i m in marjee's car now & we're on our way 2 toronto. the concert's @ 8, but marjee wanted 2 take us out 2 dinner 1st. vicks is in the front w/marjee & ger's nuzzling my neck here in the backseat while i post this comment.

    i'm wearing black capri jeans, a purple skinny-strap tank top & black low top melrose shoes. & ger keeps telling me i smell good & mmm, stop, ger, i'm not done posting!

    thanx 4 getting that bear claw away fr. my mom, becks, i know that's not ez 2 do! after the show, we are all meeting @ the 5 alarm diner.


  • At 6:33 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Ms. McGuire

    I do regret that I must solicit your services on a blog, but you must understand that other reporters have me under constant watch in attempts to scoop my stories. My bosses as well tend to hold me back. I find operating as covertly as possible protects my interests.

    That said, I must take my time in offering contact information. Since my offer is agreeable to you, it might be wise if we could perhaps bump into each other at the mall some time Sunday. You name the store and time and I will meet you there.

    Brenda Starr

  • At 6:44 PM, Anonymous Therese Caine said…


    Pairhaps zhou can tell me why eet ees a brassiere wiz zhour name on eet 'as appeared een my undairwair drawer?

    Keep away from ma 'usband, beetch!

    Therese (MRS Anzony Caine!)

  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger Deanna Patterson said…


    If you happen to 'cruise' by Yonge, could you give me a ride? I'm at the corner of Yonge and Dundas, a 'date' is letting me borrow his 'Blackberry.' It's been a 'slow' day and I don't have the bus 'fare' home.


  • At 6:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so just now we were cruising down yonge & dee flagged us down. now i'm squished in the middle betw. dee & ger. dee sez she doesn't mind w8ing @ the diner the whole time we're @ the concert, since mike won't b home until after midnite & lovey's watching the kidz.


  • At 7:09 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    Dear Miss Starr,

    I understand the need for utmost secrecy. At the Milborough Memorial Mall, there is a store with an awning that matches your natural hair color. Meet me there in the afternoon at the hour of the day that corresponds with your real age divided by 12. (Round down.)

    Sincerely yours, Rebecca McGuire

  • At 7:22 PM, Blogger Deanna Patterson said…

    Sheesh! What a night! Thank 'goodness' April got my message in time and that this 'diner' is also an internet cafe. Have fun April, I'll be here um, reading my 'pharmacy' journals. Thanks for the 'ride!'


  • At 8:15 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Ms. McGuire,

    I have your message and will meet you at the appointed time and place. Perhaps then we can discuss how you came to know my real hair color and age.

    If you wish I will purchase you breakfast/lunch/dinner at the eatery of your choosing where we can discuss the details of our business exchange in comfort.

    I do want to add that should you accept my job offer you will be given refreshments, however; I do not serve meat therefore any fears of stately riding animals being served up as food can be allayed.


    Brenda Starr

  • At 1:30 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    the concert wuz so awesum audioslave rawked the house an' i have seven hickeys on my neck.


  • At 2:36 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    howeird. becks wants me 2 post 2 u bout the audioslave concert. the 5 alarm diner iz a net café, so becks iz bizzy googling on brenda starr 4 sunday. like becks sed. the concert rawked. the crowd sang along 2 the old soundgarden and rage against the machine stuff they played. i thot their new stuff iz bettah. i cudn’t unnerstand wut the lead singer chris cornell wuz singing ½ the time & asked their sound guy bout it, but he sed he jus mumbles a lot. i told becks, she’z a bettah singer than he iz. gud thing the lead guitarist tom morello rawks out. he wuz all ovah the stage & he’z got a great guitar sound. thass it.

  • At 3:32 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I have had a very interesting evening and I also got seven hickeys on my neck and a whole lot more. I am glad you guys had fun at the Audioslave concert. It is not really my kind of music, but I am sure that they are fine.

    I decided this evening to try to go back to one of my old haunts, "The Iron Bar" which is, as you know, a club for persons of my orientation. I found this old costume from when the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera did the “Pirates of Penzance” and figured that if I went in disguise, then I might not have any trouble. So, I went with a stripy shirt, wearing an eye patch and a fake moustache. I wasn’t in there very long when this gorgeous redhead in drag sits down at my table and says, “Basil St. John. I never know when I am going to see you again.” I was confused and said, “Excuse me, but I am not this Basil St. John guy.” The redhead looked at me carefully and said, “I am so sorry. I don’t see many men that wear eye patches. Do you mind if I sit here?” I said no, because I could use the company. It was interesting looking at the redhead because his hair sparkled and caused me to blink whenever light would catch it. It was quite alluring. It had been a long time since I had been with a man (not counting jail), so I asked the redhead to dance. So we were dancing and the redhead said, “I don’t believe I caught your name.” I said, “My name is Coward Helpforth” not wanting to say my real name, in case someone I knew was listening. The redhead said, “Coward Helpforth. That name sounds very familiar to me for some reason. My name is Brenda Starr.” I about fell over, died, had a heart attack, and kissed the ground when she said that. I gasped, “You don’t mean THE Brenda Starr?” She said, “Yes. Whenever I take a break from reporting, I like to spend time in a gay bar. Gays really like me.” She wasn’t kidding about that. You may not be aware of this Becky, but Brenda Starr is a major gay icon, like Cher or Madonna or Barbra Streisand or Tina Turner or Ann Margaret. A lot of gay guys say that if they were to ever make love to a woman, it would be Brenda Starr, and there I was dancing with her. I was completely Starr struck. I just got the shivers. I never used to make puns like that. I wonder if I am getting sick. Anyway, I was a total fan gay and was saying things about how I saw all her biographical movies including the one with Brooke Shields and how I hated Lois Lane and I thought she was a way better reporter than Lois because she got her stories without any help from Superman. She was really cube and said that she hated Lois Lane too.

    While we were dancing Brenda got this look on her face and said, “I remember where I know you from.” I said, “Where?” But she did not answer. Then she said to me, “Howard. I really have a thing for guys with eye patches. I even have a dog with an eye patch.” I didn’t believe her, but she showed me a picture. Then she said, “I think I want you to take me home.” Becky, you know I don’t really like women that way, but this was Brenda freaking Starr!! There was no way I was going to turn her down. So, I take her back to my apartment, and she is all over me. She did things I have never seen before. I said, “Where did you learn all this stuff?” She said, “Howard. I have been with men all over the world for longer than you’ve been alive. A girl has to pick up some skills to survive in the rough world of reporting.” Anyway, she wore me out and hung me out to dry. I passed out (and it wasn’t from lack of oxygen or being drugged). When I woke up she was gone. Then I looked around my apartment and all the drawers had been turned out and my computer was on where someone had gone through all my files. I think she just knocked me out, so she could search my apartment for some reason. I don’t know why, but who cares, I was with Brenda Starr. When you do that party for her, I definitely want to be invited.

    On cloud 9,
    Howard Kelpfroth


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