April's Real Blog

Friday, October 14, 2005

Cry a River For Michael P

Okay, so here's the official family script: Michael works too hard! He is just working himself ragged, w/his full-time bigboy job during the day & his writing that he does @ nite (instead of, y'know, acting like a parent or a hubby, but that's just me commenting here). The fam script sez Michael totally needs to quit that soul-crushing day job so he can pursue his destiny as Canada's best! writer! evah! Then he & Dee R supposed 2 move in2 this house, Mom & Dad R supposed 2 move in2 that smaller house w/lotsa choo-choo yard space, & I guess I'm supposed 2 live in a van by the river.

So last nite, Mom was totally coaching Dee on what she shd say 2 Mike up in his lonely lil attic o' writing an' hiding. But first Ma had something 2 get off her chest. She's all, "Deanna Sobinski Patterson, what were U doing spending time & precious $ on a frivolous 'beauty lunch'?" (Yeah, Mom did those lil air quotes even tho she was on the phone & Dee totally cdn't see her do them.) Then: "Oh. Michael bought U a gift certicate, eh? Well, that's different. That just goes 2 show I raised my boy right. Hold on one sec." (She puts her hand on the mouthpiece & yells 2 Dad.) "John! John 'Pat' Patterson! Michael bought Dee that beauty lunch. Becuz he loves her! If U luv me, U will buy me 10 beauty lunches, w/xtra lunch! U hear me?!?!" Then, back 2 Dee: "Okay, so Dee. Remember what U have 2 do this evening. U go up 2 the garrett & tell my precious boy he can't keep up these long hours. Remind him he gets up @ 6 2 get 2 work by 8:30 & then gets home by 7, shoves his food down his gullet & goes upstairs 2 write until 11 or l8r. When he tries 2 tell U that he's OK & U need the $ point out the 'irony'" (air quotes) "that U don't have 2 die in order 2 make a living." I can only try 2 guess what Dee was saying on the other line, but I heard Ma saying, "Just do it, Dee! Remember what U signed on 4 when U became a Patterson! What do U mean U've been like a single parent NEway? I won't listen 2 talk like that! U march upstairz & do as U R told, or U know what!" & she slammed down the phone. Yikers!

Well, Becky & I have had sum wild adventures getting all those samples to Ms. Brenda Starr. Thanks 4 yr update last nite, Ms. Starr. This all just gets weirder & weirder, doesn't it? I know U have a rep 4 being a gr8 investigator, so I hope U will B able 2 fig out who wd deliberately make Mboro str8 guys age prematurely. Cuz Gerald, Dunc, Jeremy, & a zillion other boyz I know don't wanna look like Gramps when they R 20!

Well, gotta run, ppl!

Apes

19 Comments:

  • At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Dagny Thoroughfare said…

    hi, april. keesha grant told me 2 check yr blog last nite & i didn't get a chance 2 post until 2day. i'm not sure if the pharmacist who told me all that stuff about birth control was yr sil. is she a blonde chick who looks like she uses a cereal bowl 2 cut her hair?

     
  • At 11:49 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yes, dagny, that's my sil dee. i'm sorry she gave u bad advice! it's a gd thing u didn't follow thru w/it.

    apes

     
  • At 12:11 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Dear Girls,

    Howard is just now waking up. He's pretty groggy. The Professer let me in on a few of his findings. Installed in Howard's 32nd molar was a GPS device, but there was something more there, something he himself is having sent out to have analyzed. Also, there was another GPS imbedded in the skin behind his ear. The Professor says that in intends on studying the devices, but for now they are no longer operational.

    As soon as Howard has it together enough to walk we're out of here. Of course The Professor wants us to stay, but we have an appointment with my old friend and it is imperitive that we make that appointment. The Professor luckily is a little frightened of my friend and is scared of said person showing up at his lab, so he's letting us go without a fight.

    This may be my last post for awhile, so don't be alarmed if you don't hear from me. All will be well.

    Love and such,
    Brenda

     
  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, brenda, the gps devices! the tooth 1 is def the 1 my dad put in, 2 track howard as his dental patient. the 1 behind the ear was prolly my mom, tracking him as her baker. my fam is crazee, no joke. i m so curious 2 know what the other thing turnz out 2 b.

    when howard comes 2, pls tell him we miss him.

    apes

     
  • At 12:35 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Dee called me last night. She was in tears. What she thought was going to be a great day, because Mr. Mememe himself had actually bought her a beauty lunch and given her time to be an individual instead of a wife and mother. Mom had reamed her out about Mike working so hard. Mom told Dee that Mike needs to quit his job so he could devote his time to what's really important, his writing. She started sobbing hysterically and told me that Mike is a very bad writer and that he's been making up stories about all his freelance work and being an editor. She went up one afternoon while Mike was at work and checked his laptop. The only work there is some strange romance novel and a little slash fan fic. She then confided in me about her license being suspended for giving bad advice. She was suspended for a year and has six more months to go. Dee says she doesn't know how they are going to survive on just her tiny salary and that Mike wants to quit so he can sit up in his "office" all day and do drugs and Weed and goof off. "If he quits Elizabeth!" she said, "Than I quit". She implored me to call Mom and see what I could do.

    Mom was not happy to have me call. I told her a man with a family to support does not quit a job that is paying bills and putting food on the table for questionable work, even if it is for his art. Artists have been known to suffer, let him suffer a little, his wife and children sure do. And what about how hard Dee works? She chewed me out and told me to mind my own business. She says, "When you are married with children of your own, then maybe you'll have room to talk girly! Mike is a precious, precious writer and, and I'll support him if I have to, just so I know that his gift is being nurtured! You'd think a man's own wife would support him!" Then she hung up. I hope she didn't call and yell at Dee more, I'll feel really bad if she did cause I don't think Dee could take it.

     
  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i don't think ma called dee again after talking 2 u. i remember her slamming down the phone & unplugging it (odd cuz it's not the only ext) & muttering abt clueless spinsters who don't "get it" (air quotes).

    mike writes slash, eh? i guess i shdn't b surprised. i'll bet he does ricky/julian slash (trailer park boys).

    apes

     
  • At 4:46 PM, Anonymous Jason Fox said…

    Hey April. All this bad writer stuff has me curious. Is Mike connected to the net? Maybe I can hack in and we can post his stuff here. Well, not the slash stuff because that's really just gross.

     
  • At 5:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, jason! i don't know if mike is online @ all. dee mite know, & sometimes she posts comments here. so if she does, mayB she'll let us know. or if she talks 2 liz again, mayB they'll talk abt it & liz will post.

    apes

     
  • At 5:28 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    sorry i wuz offline all day 2day it wuz cuz mom 4got 2 pay the internet service bill. god she is dumb sometimes. so now i m taking over paying the house bills.

    mom an' rick r making up i think. i heard her on the phone last nite talking 2 some1 she kept making kissing noises an' calling him her "snoogy woogy." she used 2 call my dad that 2 so i guess she really is serious abt this guy. i guess he's all rite he's better then uncle bill neway.

    well i got a weird phone call frum gramma eulalie the other day. she sez she loaned one of her favorite "marital aids" 2 gerald an' she wants it back. (well she sed "needs it back" but i don't think it's a real need.) so ger, u need 2 send it back, ok? here's the address:

    mrs. eulalie de la mancha
    shady pines rest home
    ypsilanti, mi

    u will have 2 look up the zip code great-gramma didn't know it cuz i guess the didn't invent zip codes until like 1963 an' she wuz already a senior citizen by then so she never really learned about them.

    ok well i gotta go mom is yelling at me 2 get my butt off my phone an' start working the front counter. i guess jelly is waiting 4 service or something.

    becks.

     
  • At 5:30 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dearest April Flower,

    Would you like to give this marital aid a try with me before I am required to send it back to Ypsilanti? Meet me behind your garage in 10 minutes.

    Devoted to you with everlasting passion, Gerald

     
  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    c u there, ger!

    apes

     
  • At 8:15 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Well, I am quite disappointed to report that my dear April Flower did not like the marital aid, so I have boxed it up and sent it back to Miss Eulalie in Michigan. I really liked your relatives, Becky, especially Miss Eulalie. If you ever go to visit her, can I tag along?

    After I got home from my meeting with April, I logged onto my computer to look for some "stimulating materials." Dr. Schlanger prescribed a strict regimen of pornography to try to stimulate Big Gerald. I find a lot of it to be kind of yucky, but my dad has been monitoring my pornography consumption and he gets upset if I don't follow doctor's orders. Lucky me I found a website that has dirty fanfiction about my favorite TV shows. That's a little less gross than the close-up pictures of the Asian girls' hoohoos.

    Anyway, I went on there tonight and there were a bunch of new stories by someone calling himself "MikeyP." This is a sample of some of the writing.

    From the story Where No Hand Has Gone Before:

    capten pickard said "number one you have been spending too many hours at work you are on duty for eight hours and then you eat and then you go to the holodeck to perfect the cadet training program and i am worried that you are wearing yourself out!" and comandir ryker said "but honey i am only working this hard to please you! and we can use the extra fedarashon credits to buy a really cute vacashon bungalow on risa! and then capten pickard put his arms around comandir ryker's neck and said "don't you see the irony number one? you don't have to kill yourself to make a living! remember, this is teh 24th centurey and we don't have mony anymore!" then they both laguhed and capten pickard kissed commandir ryker who grabbed capten pickard's furm buttoks with both hands too pull him intoo his body so he cold feal his torped tumessense. then fearfal of beeing seen by the othar offisers, they retyred to the capten's ready room noing that they were in fore som hot make up sex. except when they got in there capten pickard sed "i think maybee i am too tired for sex tonite also i have a headakche." so they just went to sleep in the capten's quarters insted with comandir ryker spooning the capten and the capten wearing his heavy terrie cloth robe.

    Could this maybe be the work of your brother, April?

    Concerned, Gerald

     
  • At 8:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, ger, i think it must b! that is sooooo scary. picard totally soundz like d, & mike luvs st:ng.

    sorry i didn't like that thingie u tried, but it kinda hurt.

    apes

     
  • At 8:34 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Sorry that I hurt you, my love. I looked at the instructions on the package again and I think we got it wrong. When they said "insert into orifice" I don't think they meant your ear. I was confused because "orifice" sounds kind of like "auricle," which was on our list of vocabulary words last week. Oh well. I already sent it back.

    Regretfully yours, Gerald

     
  • At 8:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    it's just as well, ger, cuz that soundz like it's 4 ppl who r going @ least 2 3rd base.

    apes

     
  • At 8:49 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Yeah, I know, but Miss Eulalie swore you would love it. I figured she would know. She claims to have had over a thousand lovers and says that she was deflowered by William Howard Taft at the 1912 Republican Presidential Convention. I took this as a sort of "guarantee of satisfaction."

    One other thing I forgot to tell Becky is that Miss Eulalie confided in me that she lies about her age. She's really 108, not 104. She says she shaves a few years because it helps her catch "the really hot guys."

    Sincerely and faithfully yours, Gerald

     
  • At 9:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, so i c she @ least w8ed till she was 15. but u know i'm gonna w8 till i'm 16. becks & i totally pinkyswore.

    apes

     
  • At 11:55 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    gerald e'd me that website w/ mikeyp's writing on it an' this is the next chapter of that "where no hand has gone b4" story:

    the next mourning when capten pickard woke up he rolled over to see if comandir ryker was still sleaping. sometimes comandir ryker was pretty sure the capten tryed to wake up before him every day so he cold avoyed mourning nooky. but this mourning comandir ryker was alredie awake and wateing for the capten to wake up. the capten pulld his super-wegiht terrie cloth robe titer around him and asked the comandir why he was up so earlie. teh comandir ansered "becaus i have a gift fore you sweet buns" and then he pressented the capten with a little blacke velvet box. the capten was prettie sure it was jewelrey because of the box but he pretended to be sirprized when he opened it up and fowned a pretty ring inside. it had three stones in it one saffire and two dimunds. the capten was so thankfull that he threw his arms arownd the comandir's neck and cried out "take me now, willima!" they roled about on the bed in a pashionet imbrase, their tongues slyding over one another like two wet slithery snakes. the comandir tore off the capten's terrie cloth robe and through the tatered gharment on the floor. the comandir grasped the capten's large empresive and comanding member and gave it a loveing carese. then the comandir ordered the capten "turn over" becose even thow the capten was very powerfull in real life he liked to be submissev in bed. just as the comandir was poised to begin sex for the first time in meny weaks, their was a lowd cry from the other room. it was the babye that the capten had accidentelly got pregnant with druing an experimint gone horrubly wrong with docter crusher. the comandir wasn't sure but he sospekted that the capten did it on porpoise because he new the comandir didn't want cheldrin. of coarse when he herd teh baybe crying the capten jumped up and said "the cheldrin must come first" and ran into the nursiery. the comandir was left setting on the bed thinking to himself "i think i shud get to 'come' first sometimes!"

    i think mike has serious mental problems.

     
  • At 9:33 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    o.m.g. becks! & so i guess this is what d is forced 2 let mike quit the dayjob 4. if only ma knew!

    apes

     

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