April's Real Blog

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The bill for knocking on plaster (not wood)

Sorry I'm posting this so l8, peeps! Mom was going on & on this morning abt how clever & witty Mike's "neighbour" article supposedly is. "No1 knows where the wit, the wry turn of phrase comes from, April. U shd really study yr big brother's writing. He has much 2 teach U." I'm thinking, "Yeah, how 2 flunk grade-9 English", but I don't say NEthing, cuz who wants 2 make this convo longer, U know? Then on the bus, I still cdn't do my blog entry cuz Gerald got in2 my face rite away asking me Y I hadn't sed NEthing abt our lil romantic mtg rite after school yesterday. "Is it cuz I was bad?" & I had 2 xplain that I hadn't sed NEthing cuz he was so, so good. Now don't get the wrong idea, peeps, we still stayed totally above the shoulders, but this boy has learned sum gd stuff, lemme tell ya!

Well, in case U R wondering if there's more 2 say about the Kelpfroths, well, just a little bit. Dee was listening @ the top of the stairs & she heard Lovey telling that Melville guy that she's billing him 4 the damage 2 the plaster in his hallway ceiling. (C Mike, plaster!) & he's all, well U violated the lease by letting yrself in w/out giving 24-hr notice. But Lovey had sum plaster she found in the trash outside, & she told him that was how she knew. But how wd she know it was fr. the hallway ceiling, yo? 4 that matter, how'd she know it wasn't fr. sum art project gone v. wrong? Or even fr. Michael's apt. (OK, they prolly keep their trash separate, but wd U put it past Mike 2 put trash in the wrong place?) NEway, it soundz a bit suspicious 2 me, but when D called all excited abt what she overheard, she didn't wanna hear abt NE of my "childish" questions. OK, whatever, poorest pharmacist in Ontario!




  • At 10:20 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    pssst, ms. starr! i realized after i began 2 make sum plans abt collecting samplez that i'm not sure abt sumthin'. 4 ea. person, do we need hair OR saliva, or is it hair AND saliva?



  • At 10:54 AM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…


    I apologize for makinging this so hard on you. Tissue from the inside of the mouth (buccal swab) would be best. We can make do with saliva or hair, but the folical must be intact on any hair samples you collect. Blood would be nice, but I know that would be beyond your skills.

    Howard says he's worried about Rebecca. Does her mom have her slaving away at the bakery? Don't be afraid to stop by her house and get the collection kits April. You'll find detailed instructions within. The quicker we get those samples the quicker Howard will return.

    Speaking of Howard, my friend The Professor has witnessed some strange phenomenon through their interactions together. Howard has some sort of chameleon like gifts as I think you've already witnessed. I'm going to need to watch Howard and The Professor closley to make sure things stay on track and assure The Professor doesn't try to retain Howard for further study.

    Howard just asked me to tell you that whirling around in a centerfuge can be fun. Many of the tests The Professor is running are great. He feels like he's at Disneyland. But, I fear that's only the drugs talking. He was a little depressed, but is feeling better. The Professor would like to unmedicate him so, news from home would seriously be a great boon.

    I read Michael's artical in the Clarion and all I have to say is oye vey! What editor in his right mind would print that libelous, badly written trash? Perhaps their circulation is down and they are trying to stir controversy. I can't wait to see the letters to the editor.


  • At 10:58 AM, Anonymous shawna-marie said…

    Whoo, my Leafs got their win against the Flyers last night! I'm so excited! What a great goal from Jeff O'Neill, and what a cutie he is. Gotta say, Liz and April, I do love my job at times like this. :)

    Anyway, Ms. Starr, I'm glad I could do my part w/your investigation. I hope you get to the bottom of this Milborough Rapid Aging Phenomenon (MRAP) amongst our straight guys. It really is alarming. I'm glad none of my Leafs are Milborough boys!


  • At 11:33 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wooooo! go leafs!

    brenda, becky does seem v. v. tired 2day. she fell asleep in the middle of conjuguer le verbe avoir en plus-que-parfait in french class aujourd'hui, & that just isn't like her. we haven't really had a chance 2 talk 2day, but she gave me the package & mentioned sumthin' abt having 2 work a lot @ the bakeshop.

    i will b starting phase 1 of the sample collecting after school 2day. i'll post deets after i secure the samps.


  • At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Lovey S. said…

    Ptooh! Ptooh! Meshugenehs!

    Heh heh. The Kelpforths think Lovey Saltzman is eingeshpahrt. Not true! They are not going to get one by me. No sir.

    Let me farblujet here a minute: April, you ask some very astute questions, you kolboynik, you! I have faith that the Kelpforths don't ask the same, or it will be my leveiyeh. HA!

    I have a series of closed-circuit cameras wired up. Nice little machareikehs! It's in the lease agreement (VERY SMALL print). Mike, Deanna, dears . . . don't worry, they're not activated in the upstairs. You have to trust Old Lovey that that's the truth. You all are meshpucha and I love you both.

    Shoyn genug!

  • At 12:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ha! c, dee, not so "childish"!


  • At 5:29 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i'm ok don't worry i haven't even been 2 the bakery in a couple days. mom hired some1 new an' he's doing most of the work. she has really been throwing herself in2 it also since her an' rick r not talking rite now. the reason i'm so tired 2day is that last nite jeremy an' i snuck out 2gether. i heard frum apes how good ger wuz after learning eulalie's romance tips so i wanted 2 try them out myself. well next thing i know it's dawn we were making out all nite. my neck is covered in hickies i had 2 go 2 the school nurse 2 b vetted 4 child abuse.

    also after school i wuz gonna ride the bus but this car pulled up an' this guy leaned out an' goes "becky, get in!" well the guy had his hair dyed black but it wuz totally my dad. so we went 4 a ride 2gether an' talked. actually he wanted 2 kidnap me an' take me away 2 a new life w/ him but i wuz like "my life is here an' bsides when i get famous it will totally blow ur cover." dad wuz real upset but he understood. so he gave me a ride home. when i got there, mom saw him in the car an' called the cops. i don't know if they caught him yet but my stomach hurts just thinking abt it.


  • At 5:33 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My little nannoo nannoo,

    Yesterday was blissful, my sweet treat. I hope we can reprise our amour at your earliest possible convenience. I can't tonight because I am going with my Dad to the pound. He says I can finally have a dog!

    Devotedly, your lover forever, Gerald

  • At 6:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ms. starr & howard,

    i know u r anxious 2 hear abt my progress getting samples. it's been a busy afternoon/early eve!

    after i read yr posts yesterday abt getting the samples, i started 2 think how i can get them. b4 going 2 the store yesterday afternoon, i stopped by my dad's practice & made sum chitchat w/him (he wasn't busy @ that mo). looking around the w8ing rm, i noticed the ferns, & i sed, "dad! those ferns totally made me think of lawrence!" dad: "lawrence, yes." me: "dad, isn't lawrence overdue 4 a dental appt?" u need 2 understand abt my dad: whether lawrence's last appt had been 2 yrs ago or yesterday, his answer woulda been "yes". so next thing i know, he's getting his receptionist 2 make an "emergency appt" w/lawrence 4 this afternoon, 4:15.

    so 2day, i decided 2 develop a sudden interest in dentistry, just when L happened 2 b having his appt. "dad, u mind if i observe? y'know, in case i decide 2 go in2 dentistry?" he of course 8 that rite up, & it nev. even occurred 2 him 2 make sure it's ok w/lawrence. no surprise there, he totally lets me pop in whenev.

    lawrence seemed surprised 2 c me, but then mostly ignored me 1ce dad had xplained. i gave him a real warm greeting when he arrived. "lawrence! long time no c!" (hug. get loose hair fr. shoulders. stick in2 sample baggie in back pocket.)

    so, rite when it was time 4 lawrence 2 spit in2 that lil sink, i sed, "lawrence, just b4 u spit u shd close yr eyes, cuz it's bad luck 2 c yr spit come out!" i doubted he'd believe that, but 4 sum reason he went along w/it, & I caught his spit in a baggie. (eew!)

    so that coverz lawrence. next i stopped @ iris & gramps's place. i told him he's lost his dixie privileges 4 a month cuz mom is mad abt his l8est havarti stunt (this is true btw). & while he was crying abt that, i sed 2 iris, "since gramps is crying neway, wd u mind showing me the proper technique 4 peeling & cutting up an onion? (btw, i totally know how 2 do this, but iris can't resist this kinda thing). so she started w/the onion, & rite in the middle, gramps let out a huge wail: "ohhhhhh!!!! my dear dixie!" this made iris jump & cut her finger. "ow!" i quickly wrapped it in a piece of cotton swab i "happened" 2 have (lol!) & sed, "hold this 2 stop the bleeding while i get the bandaids & antibiotic cream!" so i went in2 the bathroom 2 get that, & while there, i swapped iris's toothbrush 4 a new 1 i swiped @ dad's & got sum hair samples fr. iris's brush. i got back 2 the kitchen & chattered 2 keep iris distracted fr. the fact that i totally stashed her bloody cotton in another back-pocket baggie.

    then when i got home, mom was yelling @ me cuz i hadn't started dinner yet. i cut up an orange 4 her 2 eat while i started the prep. i knew she'd've rather had sum pastry, but mom's also not abt 2 pass up food that's placed in front of her. rite after she 8 the orange, she started 2 pick her teeth cuz of the orange pulp bits. then, "oh, i give up! i need sum floss!" she went up 2 do this, & 5 minutes after i was bagging her discarded floss, which was (eeew!) just a bit bloody. (u c, this is 1 of mom's shameful secrets. tho she's married 2 a dentist, she really doesn't floss unless she's got sumthin' bothering her betw. her teeth. like orange pulp. c what i did there?)

    well, i'd better go. mom wants apple pie.


  • At 6:33 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i got rhetta blum's sample. i thought it would b harder but it wuz a cinch. i called her up an' sed that i had a message 4 her frum howie. at first she wuz skeptical so i sed "i think it's an apology" an' then she agreed 2 meet me. i wrote a fake letter an' signed it frum howie an' we met in the park. rhetta seems really torn up abt losing howie as her gay boyfriend. she had circles under her eyes an' everything! well she read the letter an' started 2 cry so i gave her a tissue an' then she sed "i just don't know where i went wrong!" an' i go "well write him a letter an' ask" an' i whipped out some paper an' envelopes frum my backpack. so she did she sat down on the merry-go-round an' wrote some long-ass letter 2 howie. she not only licked the envelope, but she gave herself a papercut an' so there r blood an' tears on that tissue i told her i would throw away 4 her.

    ok next on the list is therese. mayb i should try 4 her since she doesn't really know me.


  • At 6:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ooh, good work, becks! oh, howard, there is something i 4got 2 mention abt lawrence.

    after his appt, he & i walked out @ the same time. he took me aside & was all, "april, i didn't wanna say nething abt this stuff around yr dad, but i feel i owe u an apology 4 those snippy messages i left on yr blog. u c, i'm deeply ashamed of the role i played in that whole conspiracy thing, & i sort of went in2 denial abt the whole thing. that's y i was holding on2 the official story the way i was." i asked him whether the plan was 2 get anthony tog. w/liz or 4 howard 2 b lizzie's "back-up gay." he rolled his eyes & sed, "honey, between gordo & tracey, the plot changed every couple of days 4 a while. frankly, i lost track." then i asked if it was true that he had been tracey's back-up gay & he snorted. "tracey thinks i was. i never consented 2 ne such thing, but then again consent never enters in2 it. i think howard can tell u a thing or 2 abt that. this whole mboro thing w/back-up gays is really sick. i breathed a huge sigh of relief when gordo married that girl, let me tell u."

    howard, he also sed he wishes he cd welcome u back in2 the mboro gay community, but that he can't 4 the same reason that liz couldn't drop her charges. he sort of looked over both shoulders & he whispered, "the milboro machine is just 2 strong april." & he looked real sad.


  • At 8:11 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg u guyz u will never blieve what i did! i m so bad!

    after dinner i called up therese an' pinched my nose so my voice would sound different an' when a girl answered the phone i go "hello is this mrs. caine?" an' the voice goes "no this is mr. caine" an' i almost lost it laffing but i totally passed it off as coughing an' i go "sorry something is stuck in my throat. is mrs. caine there?" an' when therese got on the line i told her that she wuz qualified as a professional businesswoman 2 get special disability and life insurance benefits frum my company, milboro woman's casualty insurance. therese wuz all like "oui, c'est tres important pour le WAGE-EARNING espouse a garder le LAZY WHINING mari et le SQUALLING BRATTY petite bebe!" most of that it sounded like she wuz yelling across the room not at me. i covered my mouth 2 giggle an' then i sed, "oui madame, les anglophones ne comprendent pas l'importance de l'importance du travail dur et du fardeau de la responsabilité." well i wuz never so glad i paid attention in french class cuz tomorrow i m meeting therese at her office 2 get blood an' saliva samples as part of her routine physical b4 purchasing her new policy!! m i good or what???


  • At 8:13 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh crap i just realized how hard it's gonna b 2 pull this off! crap crap crap.

    well i did buy that ecru linen suit back when i had that mary worth gig going. that should b a good costume.

    crap crap crap i wish howie wuz here 2 help me!


  • At 8:23 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    Becky, I'd be glad to fix your hair to make you look older. Just stop in.


  • At 8:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i think u can totally pull this off, but if there's sumthin' u want me 2 do 2 help, lemme know!


  • At 8:49 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…


    We can't offer you much help and really admire your courage. Call the Milborough Women's Clinic and ask for Anne-Marie. She's a plebotimist and can take blood for you and give you an air of validity. You don't have to call Anne-Marie if you think you can carry this off yourself. Also, you'll have to give her about a third of the money I sent you.


    Congratulations on your sample gathering success. The Professor says that the samples should be good, but be prepared to try again if they don't work.

    Howard is doing well. He's a little out of it at the moment. He keeps talking in his sleep to Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and says he wishes he could be Snow White. But don't worry about him. The Professer says there shouldn't be any long term affects from the medications. Howard didn't like the MRI and cat scan much. He kept crying, "I don't want to ride the Matterhorn again! God no not Space Mountain!!"


  • At 9:05 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i will call anne-marie in the morning mayb i can get her 2 come along with me 2 the appointment an' that would make me look legit.

    marjee i will totally have u do my hair in a bun an' also u should do my makeup so i look at least 30. do u know how 2 do wrinkles?


  • At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    Becks, I've done some theatrical makeup and I still have the wrinkle kit at home. I'll just bring it in, that shouldn't be a problem.


  • At 9:49 PM, Anonymous anthdad2franmilborough said…


    I'm working like three jobs and still the old glaive-guisarme calls me lazy!

    Found out something interesting about Dee. I had to take a long trip to the States to get a new medicine for my mom's condition and I stopped by Dee's pharmacy to see if they stock it, or could get it sort of under-the-table. I was surprised to see her stocking shelves, I didn't think pharmacists did that. I commented to the manager about it while I was waiting for the pickup and he said that she gave a bunch of bad advice on birth control medication to some women and it got real ugly when they got pregnant.

    And I don't even want to tell you what she told one 14 year old girl to do to avoid pregnancy! All I can say is, DON'T take any advice or sex tips from Dee under any circumstances.

    So they still let her wear the smock but she's basically a cashier and stockgirl now. I don't know what they're paying her but maybe that's why M & D are always complaining about lack of money.



  • At 10:58 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh crap! i 4got granthony an' therese post here sometimes. well granthony seems 2 dumb 2 pick up on what's going on so let's just hope therese doesn't check in here b4 tomorrow morning!


  • At 11:20 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…


    thx for the link to the doll site! i had lotsa fun trying on outfits w/o having 2 find a dressing room! it took me a long time 2 decide which hair looked most like mine, but i think i did pretty good. i even found a dog in the pets section who looks kinda like Puddles. check it out:


    omg, Anthony, Dee wasn't telling people that myth abt douching with coca-cola, was she? our teacher warned us about that story in health class, it totally will not work. i'm glad to hear she is just stocking the shelves now!



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