April's Real Blog

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Knock on plaster

Mike called his article "Knock on Wood". He totally thinx this is clever, but I said, "When the Kelpfroths are banging on their ceiling, aren't they knocking on plaster?" He says I totally don't get his clever wordplay. I say I totally get his wordplay, & "clever" isn't the word I'd ev. use 4 it. Lame? Obvious? Tedious? But he is Dad's boy, that's for sure. When I brought up the whole libel issue yesterday, Mike was, like, "But I don't use any names, so they can't prove anything." And I'm all, "But can't they prove something by being the only people who live below Michael Patterson?" He said, "Eat your cake, April. Besides, Dee & I have no money, so we're judgement proo." & Dad sez, "Don't U mean 'judgement proof'?" & Mike sighs and sez, "Oh, so that's how U pronounce it." And I'm, like, "How is it that U have no $ NEway when U R this bigshot editor-in-chief @ a glossy mag & Dee's a fulltime pharma?" & Mike's eyes glazed over rite b4 he changed the subject. Oh, & I asked him how come he's so excited about the article now when it already ran over the summer. He said, "That didn't count cuz I don't read over the summer. I never bothered to get that issue of the paper. I'll be no1 else read it then, 2. Who can read when it's so hot?"

Mike an' Dee R pretty sure that the Kelpfroths have increased their banging since the paper came out, but they're not sure if there's a connection. Yeah, whatevs.

So Dunc was hoping he cd stay home fr. school 2day since Kimmi LaSalle threw that hot coffee in his lap & he got treated 4 the burns. But his mom sez he's missed way 2 much school already. Ger keeps going up 2 Dunc & telling him "I feel yr pain, man." He also sez he can't w8 till lunch cuz he's got a few moves he wants 2 try out on me behind the gym.

Well, gotta go, class is about 2 start!



  • At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Shawna-Marie Verano said…

    Hi, April! Hey, Liz, if you're reading here today! I'm helping the kinesiology students from York U consult w/the Leafs 2day. The guys are anxious b/c they haven't had a win yet and Philly looks really strong for tonight's game. Anyway, guess who's here watching the Leafs practice? Howard! He's got a woman with him. She has the most dazzling sparkly eyes and shiny red, red hair. They've got some man with them. I think he's got an eyepatch. I only had the chance to give them a quick wave b/c I've got lots of hockey players to check out here today!


  • At 10:56 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    My weekend was uneventful. I didn't want to post anything because compared to Becky's postings and Brenda Starr showing up I just didn't feel like parading my dull life around.

    Shawna Marie are the Leaf's players hot or what? Do you get to see them working out mostly nude? Hot stuff!

    Jesse brought me a turkey he said he hunted down himself. I asked him how he explained the Butterball wrapper and he sputtered. The truth of the story is his aunt sent me the turkey. So, I'm making lots of turkey soup and pot pies and even though there is no Gerald here to scarf them down, I have Jesse who will be over at my house after school because he says he needs help with his homework.

  • At 11:39 AM, Anonymous Shawna-Marie said…

    Well, Liz, I must say this job does have its perks. I have to maintain a professional demeanor, of course, but RRRROWWWWWWRRRR!!!!

    That Jesse kid sure sounds creepy. Though I guess it's a good thing he'll help you with those leftovers.


  • At 12:01 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Dear Becky,

    I regret to inform you that Howard and I will not be able to return before Saturday. I have already sent out cards to all my guests that the party has been rescheduled. I do apologize for any unconvince this has caused you.

    Howard is doing well. I know you are probably concerned for him, but he is in my hands. As far as leaving town, I already contacted the court and was able to get a special dispensation for him to stay in Toronto with me. Your lack of communication toward me does give me the picture that you may be upset with my borrowing of Howard. I understand you are protective of him, just trust that with me he is as safe as a baby wrapped in cotton wool.

    I have a friend who is a professor at York University, as well as a first class scientist. He is going to be running some tests on Howard as well as some tissue samples from Becky's family as well as Michael and John Patterson, Anthony Caine, and Jim Richards. I also obtained tissue samples from Duncan and Gerald. I was the tissue samples I collected are an adequate cross reference of M-boro, but my friend has requested more. Howard is an important link to our research as he has been in contact with many women in M-boro as well as living an alternate lifestyle. My friend has alerted me that he requires tissue samples from the women population as well as some additonal males. I am sending several collection kits by express courier addressed to Rebecca McGuire. If you could please obtain samples from the following subjects I would be most grateful:

    Elly, Deanna, Robin and Merry Patterson. Iris Richards, Therese Caine, Gordon and Tracey Mayes, Retta Blum, Kortney Krelbutz, Jeremy Jones, Lawrence Poirier as well as Becky's mother. I do understand that some of these samples will be next to impossible to obtain and huge adventures to say the least, but if you could manage them Howard and I would be very grateful.

    Shawna-Marie was kind enough to give tissue samples via a member of the Leafs and I am hoping that Liz, if you are reading this, that you please follow suite with the kit I'm sending you. The courier will wait for you to collect your sample and return it back to me.

    Brenda Starr

  • At 12:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i don't know what ger learned @ yr house sunday, but he's suddenly become a way better kisser! yeow!

    neway, brenda, wow, getting samples fr. all those ppl? mayB u have sum suggestions on how we can get these? esp. fr. ppl who h8 us or ppl we barely ev. c? it soundz like u have experience u cd share?


  • At 12:49 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hey brenda i'm not mad at u or nething i guess i wuz just tired yesterday an' didn't read ur posts 2 carefully i didn't realize u wanted me 2 write back. i'm glad u have howie i feel better when he is supervised he can be kinda gullible.

    ok well we will try 2 get those samples but u know kortney is still in vegas i think an' i don't have ne way 2 get 2 toronto til howie comes back an' i don't think therese will talk 2 us. apes could probably get the rest of them tho.

    well i m totally bushed. time 2 go sleep thru geography class! man all this talk abt the "canadian shield" is really boring. i complained 2 mom abt it last nite an' she actually got kinda mad. i didn't get y so i asked her an' she goes "never rely on a canadian shield 2 protect u, becky. i did an' let's just say u wouldn't b standing here 2day if it wuzn't so defective!" i wuz just like "whoa mom, i don't think we're talking abt the same thing."

    jer sez he'll give a sample he's afraid of the premature aging curse since his grades r so bad he prolly won't b able 2 leave mboro 2 go 2 college.


  • At 12:51 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dearest April,

    Please rendezvous with me on the east lawn after the final bell today. I have a wonderful surprise in store for you, of the amour variety.

    Devotedly yours, Gerald

  • At 12:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    k, ger, i'll c u then!


  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Becky and April,

    Howard informed me of Kortney's whereabouts and I am sending a friend of mine who lives in Las Vegas to get a sample.

    I understand that obtaining what I need in a covert or even straight forward manner can be difficult, but you are smart girls. We have faith in you. I enclosed in the collection kits a tidy little sum which might help if you need to grease a few palms. In the cases of Therese and Retta, a tooth and hair brush will work just fine. We would perfer fresh samples if possible.

    If you could, please send us word of your exploits as you retrieve the required samples. I think Howard is getting a little stir crazy being hooked up to all the machines and could use a little entertainment and encouragment from his friends.

    Also April, I heard Becky's aunt trying to describe to Gerald how to give star hickies. Please be careful, it can be extremely dangerous if done wrong. I really should have trademarked those a long time ago.


  • At 2:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, pls let me know when u receive the kits. i m starting 2 think of sum ideas 4 collecting samples.


  • At 5:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so i have put sum planz in2 place 2 get samples fr. my mom, dee, robin, merrie, iris, lawrence, & even thérèse, but i'd better not say nething abt the deets. that leaves rhetta.


  • At 10:19 PM, Anonymous rob wilco said…

    Thanks for the kind words, Liz. Satchel says "Hi!" and Bucky...well, Bucky would say hi, if he had any manners at all. Plus, he's having a time out in his closet. He did something involving my briefcase. I just haven't quite figured out what yet. It smells very fishy, though.

    Bucky's not exactly what you'd call a cuddly cat...more of a smack-talking Siamese. He has a good side, though, you just have to dig for it. Really, really, far down.

    Oh, and April, I know what you're talking about with your grandpa feeding Dixie the havarti cheese...Satchel got a hold of some overripe feta once, and the memory still makes my eyes water.


  • At 10:38 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Well the courier came. Pretty fast travelers those people eh? I contemplated having Jesse give a tissue sample, but as this is in the interest of the men back at home and Anthony who, you never know I could end up married to, I though better of it and gave a sample. My tissue is on its way to Toronto as we speak.

    April. There is no way you're getting tissue samples from Therese. No way! You'd have an easier time getting tissue samples from one of the Kelpfroths now that they've stumbled upon Mike's lame artical.

    Rob - Has Bucky been fixed? Do male cats get as moody as female cats when it's "that time of the month"? But then again Bucky is always a little PMSy isn't he? Oh don't tell him I said that. I wouldn't want that cat hunting me down in search of revenge or anything.

  • At 1:13 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dearest April,

    You have not commented upon our passionate after-school rendezvous of amour. You seemed quite pleased by my new romantic technique, but I am not sure. Are you quite enraptured, my love?

    Eagerly and devotedly yours, Gerald

  • At 9:55 PM, Anonymous rob wilco said…

    Bucky is definitely fixed, thank goodness - one Bucky Katt is all the world can handle. His is more a case of PMF: Perpetually Misbehaving Feline. Speaking of which, I better go check on him. I hear some suspicious noises coming from the direction of the kitchen...



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