Michael Patterson. Master Writer. Speed Freak.
Hey, so when I got 2 school this morning, I saw Weed & Carleen! Weed was there 2 do our school photos, peeps, even tho he's supposed 2 B a bigshot photog sorta like how Mike's supposta B a bigshot editor/writer. They were unloading photo equipment when I was getting out of the bus, and when Weed saw me, he yelled, "Yo, April! Pipsqueak!" This was so embarrassing! NEway, I went over 2 say hi 2 them & they started raving abt Mike's article. Weed: "Yeah, so Mike stopped by 2 C us yesterday." & Carleen cut in 2 say, "2 fish 4 compliments!" Weed sed, "There was no need 2 fish, those compliments were flying rite in2 the nets." I must have had that "whatev" face of mine, cuz Weed pressed on w/"Well, that article rocks April! I even high-fived Michael over it!" And Carleen told me, "Yeah & I sed 'way 2 go!'" By now I was glancing @ my watch cuz I was worried abt being l8 4 h'room. So Weed sed he wdn't keep me much longer, but that Mike told him he's got new projects cuz of that [stupid] article, & also he's gonna B editing a movie script. Me: "But Mike doesn't even know NEthing abt writing 4 the movies. I know more than he duz cuz Becky & I made a movie @ camp when we were, like, 9." Weed's like, "Don't B jellus, Apes. But NEway, I asked him how he can take on more freelance stuff when he already works fulltime @ Portrait. 'U'll have 2 give something up!'" & he told me that Mike replied that he's given up sleep, & that just then, he noticed that Mike had huge bagz under his speed-freak eyes. Well, Mike, if U'd been honest, U'd also have mentioned that U've given up seeing yr family awake, but I wasn't gonna get in2 that, cuz I was really in danger of being way, way l8. So I just sed I gotta run & I'd C them @ pictures time. Man, I gotta say, either Carleen has totally drunk the Koolaid or she's putting on a wicked-good act of worshipping "SuperWriterMike". Puke.
I guess I shdn't B surprised that Anthony sez he saw D stocking shelves & that he found out she'd gotten in2 trub 4 giving out bad b-control advice. He mentioned something abt terrible advice she's given 2 a 14-yo. Dagny, is that how U got the idea that "doing it" upside down & then jumping up & down & then taking a bath in diet coke & decaf coffee wd keep U fr. get pg? Good think Logan McCullough dumped U B4 U had a chance 2 test that theory!
Luann, I M so glad U liked the doll-making site. Yr doll came out way cute!
Well, time 4 my next class!
Apes
I guess I shdn't B surprised that Anthony sez he saw D stocking shelves & that he found out she'd gotten in2 trub 4 giving out bad b-control advice. He mentioned something abt terrible advice she's given 2 a 14-yo. Dagny, is that how U got the idea that "doing it" upside down & then jumping up & down & then taking a bath in diet coke & decaf coffee wd keep U fr. get pg? Good think Logan McCullough dumped U B4 U had a chance 2 test that theory!
Luann, I M so glad U liked the doll-making site. Yr doll came out way cute!
Well, time 4 my next class!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:19 AM
16 Comments:
At 10:46 AM,
Anne said…
Ohmygod Apes, that's so funny about Dee! I knew I had 2 find a new pharma when she told me that drinking 2 L of V8 an' listening 2 Michael Bolton CDs would cure my migranes. Maybe that's why Mike's hardly ever home--her taste n music sucks an blows....lol.
Me an' Marjee stopped by Starbucks yesterday afternoon for chai teas, an' ur mom was n front of us n line. She got a venti skim latte an' bought the entire supply of blueberry an chocolate chip muffins. "Hi, Mrs. Patterson!" Marjee said. "Hello, nicenativegirl and nicenativegirl's half-sister. I've got to provide muffins for...our staff meeting!" she said an' then darted out the door while reaching n2 the bag an' shoving a whole muffin n her mouth. She must have a bottomless pit of an appetite, with how she's always Becky's mom's number one customer @ the bakery. @ least we had a good laugh!
At 10:53 AM,
April Patterson said…
hey, vicks! yr hair lks v. cute 2day, i meant 2 tell u in english class!
apes
At 11:09 AM,
Anonymous said…
I was at your mom's store doing accounts yesterday, April. She never showed up with any muffins!
She did, however, fall asleep in the back room. Your mom can SNORE! How does your dad deal with it?
She only woke up when we ordered pizza and breadsticks. We all got pizza, but she exercised les droits du Siegneur on the breadsticks and totally Bogarted them. When we asked her to help pay she said "I didn't have any pizza." She's fun to work for, your mom.
~Anthony
At 11:14 AM,
Anne said…
Thanks Apes! I want my hair 2 look like Vicki Lewis' (an' we have the same name....how funny), but it has 2 grow slightly longer. Ur hair looks way cooler now that u can get away w/it not being n a propeller bun!
http://online-tonight.com/images/photos/vicki_lewis.jpg
At 11:54 AM,
April Patterson said…
lol, mme petitbateau totally stopped becks in the hall, like, "ma'am, may i help u?" becks: it's becky mcguire, i'm in grade 9!" "ms. mcguire! u look all grown up! i thought it was only the str8 men in mboro who aged prematurely!" & becks was practically rotfl, & she told mme that she's in dress rehearsal 4 a play. that satisfied mme, thank goodness. becks, u totally look @ least 30. & gr8 job getting those samps fr. t.
apes
p.s. vicks, yr hair is almost there!
At 12:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Becky and April,
You both did such a wonderful job getting the samples we needed. Congratulations. The Professor can't wait to get started.
Howard enjoyed the tales of your exploits. I think he's feeling much better. Right now he's sleeping. The Professor has a plethora of probes stuck all over him. His last words were, "Ahhhh The Disney Parade of Dreams...at last". Howard wants you both to know how proud he is of you for your ingenuity. He says, "I feel like I've mothered those girls and now look at them. My little ducklings." Of course you must understand how exhausted and delierious he was at that point, but he did go to sleep happy. I'll have him read your posts again once he has come to. He'll probably want to congratulate you himself.
Becky, luckily it's close enough to Halloween that you can pass off your costume as practice for a party. You are brillant, I couldn't have done better myself. And of course now I understand why people have been so outraged at my long flowing red hair. I won't be putting it up for my stay in Milborough however, unless puttin it up will help me get the story I'm looking for. Never compromise yourself girls, for anyone.
The Professor told us that Saturday should be Howard's release day. We have a short pit stop to make somewhere and then we'll be back in Milborough. I'll keep in touch the best I can.
Love and Kisses,
Brenda
At 12:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, gd point abt the ambition. what a doubl standard in our fam! i totally hafta follow yr lead & get my arse outta mboro the minute i grad fr. h-school. i'll go someplace i can wear my hair down & ppl will admire me 4 being ambitious.
apes
At 12:48 PM,
Anne said…
Thanks 4 the encouragement, Apes!
So that explains the perverted text messages I've been getting from the school's hockey team. The guys assume I'm a gig. *rolled eyes* Well, they can bite me because unless I'm in gym class, I'm not gonna wear my hair n a bun or sensible ponytail.
At 12:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
don't feel bad, vicks, those boyz r so horny it takes almost nuthin' 2 set them off. most girls our age rn't really expected 2 follow those grown-up rulez abt buns & ponies, unless they've got freak mothers like mine. that's y becks nev. has 2 wear her hair up (unless she's in costume!).
apes
At 2:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, April, Becky, Brenda Starr, and Howard!
April, as you requested, I've kept our plan under wraps until after it's been executed. Now that it has, I can report back on it.
Yesterday, Deanna Patterson received a gift certificate while she was at work. It was for a "beauty lunch" for the busy professional woman, and signed anonymous. "Anonymous", of course, was April, but we left it up to Deanna to guess who it might be. The certificate specified "this week only" and that the bearer must call to confirm which day she would like to redeem it. So yesterday afternoon, I received a call from Deanna saying she'd like to come in at noon today.
When she came in today, she was wearing a navy blue pantsuit and a white lab coat. For some reason, she flapped her hands in her lab-coat pocket and then took a pacifier out of one of her pockets and twirled it around before she got around to introducing herself. She said, "Oh, I am so excited about this 'beauty lunch'. My Michael was sooooo thoughtful to buy it for me!" I just smiled and let her think this.
So, for the "lunch" part of the "beauty lunch", April had made some fancy sandwiches, and Becky had dropped off some pastries. I also got some lattes from Starbucks.
I asked Dee if she'd like me to modernize her look a bit, maybe adding some layers and razor-cutting the ends a bit to give it some movement. But Dee was very adamant about keeping her bowl cut. She said, "My husband loves my hair the way it is." So she just wanted me to trim off her split ends and freshen her "natural" blonde.
Of course, I was careful to collect a few loose hairs before doing the trim. While she sat with her hair colour activating, she ate the lunch. I know plastic is a bit tacky, but I used a plastic fork so I could bag it as a saliva sample for Ms. Starr. This was after Mrs. Caine came in, though. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
You see, a sharp-featured brunette came in and, in a Quebecoise accent, she introduced herself as Thérèse Caine. She said she'd met with a very nice insurance rep who, though very careful, had inadvertently mussed her bun during a consultation this morning. So she asked if I could tighten up her bun. While I was doing that, she and Dee chatted. Dee mentioned that they'd met briefly, but she reintroduced herself. At first, T. was a bit hostile: "Oh, vous are married to zhe 'usband's beetch ex-girlfriend's brother!" And Dee said, "I'm only a Patterson by marriage." T. said, "Oui, I know what vous mean, as I am a Caine by marriage", and she nearly spit on the name "Caine".
After that, they relaxed and T. talked about how hard she's been working and saying Anthony does nothing but criticize her for it. She says she comes home exhausted but still makes time for Françoise at the end of the day. Dee sort of snorted and said, "That's better than my Michael does. He works full-time at his magazine, then he hangs out at his friend Weed's studio until he knows the kids and I are long asleep, so he can sneak into bed and not have to deal with us at all. He says he's working on freelance jobs, but I'm sure he and Weed are playing video cames or watching porn. Never mind I work full-time myself. And my MIL Elly Patterson, she's always pressuring me to encourage Michael to quit his dayjob to write fulltime. I don't know how she expects we'd make ends' meet since we're barely making it as it is. I make pretty good money, but Michael's always cashing my paychecks and saying something about 'expenses'."
Oh, and I took the piercing gun Apes bought and I offered to pierce Dee's ears, even though I'd so far only practiced on a potato and Nardo (you look hot w/your new earring, babe!). Luckily, Dee said yes and I didn't botch the job. So that got me the blood sample. I've boxed everything and sent it to the courier according to Ms. Starr's instructions.
Oh, by the way, T. thought this "beauty lunch" thing was such a good idea, she bought herself one a month through the end of next year, and she's going to tell her colleagues about it! Which is hysterical, since April, Becky, and I just made this up for this sample thing. Looks like it's gonna bring some gr8 new biz to the salon, girls!
Marjee
At 2:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, April, I've followed the instructions from you and Ms. Brenda Starr and, as you requested, I will explain here what has occurred.
I work at the daycare that Meredith and Robin Patterson attend. Thank you, April, for that generous donation to my favourite charity, me. Now, I wasn't sure how I was going to go about obtaining the requested samples from these young children, and I was certain I'd have to skip the blood, but oddly they managed to take care of this all themselves.
You see, Meredith seems to be going through an aggressive phase. Well, specifically, she has been displaying aggression against one child in particular: her little brother Robin. Mostly, we try to keep them apart, especially since Robin is usually in the baby room, while Merrie is in the toddler room. But she was very determined to get to him today.
Now, this poor girl, for some reason she has this strange idea that while her mother made only "reg'lar mama's milk" for her, she made "choc'lit mama's milk" for her baby brother. I wonder what kind of a sicko planted that idea in her little head? Also, she sometimes puts a babydoll up to her chest as if she's nursing, then she yanks the baby away from her chest and shrieks, "No biting!!!!" Then she pushes the doll at a little boy and says "Michael, you take the little monkey!" Sometimes she does this in front of her brother, and when she does, he cries, so it seems this has some kind of significance to both of them.
So anyway, young Merrie got into the baby room today and she wrenched a teddy from her little brother's hands. A tug-of-war ensued, and next thing you know, she was yanking at his hair. While I got her disentangled, I was able to quickly bag some of that hair in an appropriately marked baggie, without anyone noticing. Next, Robin imitated his big sister's action, so that's how I got his hair sample. Then, Robin popped a pacifier in his mouth, because apparently his parents are in the habit of shoving one of these into his mouth whenever they want him to "shut up, faw wuv of gah, so neighbaws won' cumpayne," as Merrie sometimes chants. Merrie of course got jealous and grabbed it out. But before she had a chance to pop it in her own mouth, I bagged it and gave her a replacement paci that April had provided. I knew she'd want to take it out once she remembered she's a "big girl", so I was able to bag that a moment later. So, saliva: Check.
Then, Merrie shoved Robin, and he grasped her to keep from toppling over. This made them both capsize. Merrie scraped her knee, and Robin his elbow. So as I administered first aid, I was also able to collect samples. So everything has been forwarded to the courier as instructed.
Well, that all was very strange indeed, but your generous donation will keep me from questioning it!
Sabina Khan
At 2:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, thanx, marjee & ms. khan! so, brenda, it lks like that shd b everything!
apes
At 4:03 PM,
Anne said…
Ur right, Apes. They're just the JV team, so they've got a lot of growing up 2 do!
U guys r all so clever! I'm glad I'm not a guy, but I'll still get outta Mboro as soon as I graduate. Mayb it's the lead n the water here that does sumthing to the Y chromosome.
At 6:48 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, now i feel kinda bad if the beauty lunch has mom thinking all this stuff abt dee. all cuz of a "beauty lunch" she didn't even pay ne $ 4. but here's the best part. my mom's such a hypocrite. @ dinner 2nite, she was like, "john, y have u not bought me one of those beauty lunches? don't u luv me?" so marjee, u can xpect my dad 2 buy 1 4 my mom soon! we'll have 2 plan lots of food that day, lol!
vicks, join the club on wanting 2 get outta mboro!
apes
At 8:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, w/everything else that's been going on, i totally 4got 2 post abt those school pictures. weed wanted 2 do them all artsy w/special liting & stuff & i think he totally ended up annoying the principal 1/2way 2 death. also, becks ended up having her pix taken w/her fake wrinkles & suit!
apes
At 9:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
Vicki,
The Professor says, "Hmmmmmm interesting hypotheses that something in the water could be doing something harmful to the Y chromosome. Most likely there is a environmental free-radical which is altering the metabolic rate of the men in Milborough, I doubt that it would be ingested through the general water supply. Lead poisoning, interferes with the porphyrin biosynthetic pathways at several levels and may cause a rise in ALA levels without an increase in PBG levels. Red cell protoporphyrin levels may also be increased in lead poisoning. I fear whatever is causing the accelerated aging in the Milborough male population is a different and very rare type of porphyria. And as with any porphyria there would be those who would be genetically armed against the disorder such as women and certain men. But again, this does not explain the separation between sexual preference because there is no chromosomal or metabolic differences in sexual preference."
The Professor did go on to talk about X and Y chromosomes and active links and so on. As worldly and well versed in many subjects as I am, I'm afraid he lost me at "porphyrin biosynthetic pathways". Perhaps you'll understand what he's talking about and where his research is leading him. He does think someone is deliberately debilitating the male population. So right now the questions would be, Who? How? Why?
Howard is still asleep. The Professor says he'll wake in the morning. I'm springing Howie from this place then we're off to see an old friend of mine who spent some time down in the Amazon.
Again, good work girls!
Love and all that good stuff,
Brenda
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