April's Real Blog

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Flappy Fatterson!

Geez, Ma, how many yrs have U been going thru "the change" NEway? Flap, flap, flappity, flap, flap, flap! Sum medical journal oughta write U up as the longest case of menopause evah! LOL, & Ger found Ma in the garage using the 'cuum on reverse 2 air out her underarms. I don' even wanna think abt what he was gonna use it 4, tho. Thanx, Becks, 4 saving me the trub of tellin' Ger what a bj is. Yeah, & if NE1 tells my mom I've ev. heard of such a thing, I M totally denying it, peeps. She still thinx I'm this innocent lil ponytail-wearing kid. Dad must think I'm pretty slow 2 ask what's happening w/Mom since she's been doing this flappy shizzit 4evs, but that's the point. I thought she must B suffering fr. something new. Ah, well, that's Mom.

Dunc is coming by in a little while, since our dads have their usual Sunday playdate, so we're gonna study & jam. Ger wants 2 come by 2, but he sed something abt his mom giving him a list of chorez? I'm sure he'll post l8r & xplain. Becks sez she & Jeremy have sum quality time scheduled 2 2day!



  • At 10:57 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I was working Krystle’s Kakes and Pies this morning. I know I stopped working there in favor of working at the Mayes’ restaurant starting on Monday, but Becky’s mom, Krystle, said that she might actually pay my back wages if I worked for her today. Here’s hoping she’s not lying about this again, so I can pay my bills.

    Anyway, your mother came into the shop with your dad. They were dressed nicely, so I said, “Dr. P. Are you and Mrs. P going off to church?” He replied, “Only Easter and Christmas, and really not even then, since we don't have any kids left to make cute religious comments during the church service. No, we leave that to the Keane family these days. We are just getting some breakfast pastries.” I was confused about this, since I know you still live with them, but I let it go.

    Your mom and dad put in their order and while they are waiting for me to fill it, these wiggle lines appear over your mom’s head, her face and body turn red, and no lie, her nose starts to grow right in front of my eyes (sort of like Pinocchio, if his nose grew like someone blowing up a big, red balloon.) Then she grabs her clothes away from her body and starts moving them with her arms like a fan and these “FLAP” words starting appearing beside her body. Then she said, “AAAGH!” and her glasses leapt off of her face and were temporarily suspended in air, before returning back to her face. I suspect the glasses may have been thrust off her face by her rapidly expanding nose, but the effect was mesmerizing, like a good juggling act.

    I was immediately concerned and said, “Mrs. P. What’s wrong?” Dr. P said, “Don’t mind her. She’s always in a flap about something!” Well, I was frankly surprised by Dr. P’s lack of concern. I got a few cold packs from the freezer and gave them to Mrs. P. They seemed to help her. She told me she was experiencing a hot flash from menopause and it usually happened at least once a year. Dr. P said, “No. No. No. Ted McCauley told me that you would stop being a crazy woman after 5 years of menopause and it’s been more than 5 years. So, it cannot possibly be a hot flash. Otherwise, I would have said, ‘She’s always flashing about something’ and ‘FLASH’ words would appear beside your body. So, it is obviously your flapping condition.” Your mother looked pretty peeved at your dad after he said this. As she was cooling off and her nose was shrinking back to its “normal” size, I tried to explain to your dad that my grandmother experienced hot flashes from menopause all the way to when she died at age 95, but all he would say was, “Ted McCauley wouldn’t flap me off” or “Don’t try to tell me such flap.” Anyway, I don’t know what’s going on in your dad’s head, but please have some sympathy for your mom. These things can be quite uncomfortable.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:58 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Sorry, that last note was supposed to be addressed to you, and not Becky.

    Sorry for the confusion,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's ok, howard, ne1 witnessing my ma's strange condition wd b a lil thrown off, eh? (if i were my dad, i wd have used this as an xcuse 2 pun on the word "flap", but i'm not cruel like that!)

    i don't know y dad puts so much w8 on what dr. ted sez neway. he useta d8 connie when she was a single mom & apparently he even had her xpecting they'd marry sumday, only 2 break her poor lawrence-mothering heart. but he also useta lend my dad his broken-down cabin, so i guess that cd b part of it.

    thanx 4 xplaining a bit abt the flashing, tho, cuz it's a bit diff fr. what i learned in health class, i guess.


  • At 1:45 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hey u know i wuz thinking about this hot flash stuff an' i decided 2 email miss eulalie who knows like everything abt the female anatomy. also she went thru menopause an' lives w/ a bunch of other ladies who did at shady pines an' also there r a bunch of docs there so i figured she could tell me wether it's normal 2 go thru menopause like 10 years.

    well she e'd me back (she is like way in2 the internet, mostly 4 the porn) an' she sez it's very abnormal 2 go thru it that long an' her friend miss beulah went thru it 4 that long an' they did all kinds of tests on her an' her lady parts cuz they were sure something bad must b up. mayb ur mom shuld c a doc abt this? i know we would all b happy if she died but i think we would feel guilty if we could of stopped it an' didn't u know? maybe not. then again i'm not sure. neway, u can decide.

    well howie i had no idea that mom didn't pay ur back wages i m gonna take the $$$ out of the register an' give it 2 u then tell mom later. i looked in the ledger she wuz paying u only minimum wage so it's not even like it's that much! mom is a real jerk sometimes like rite now especially. well it turns out she did break up w/ rick an' she's got some new guy she talks 2 on the phone all nite. i asked her if she wuz making xxxtra $$ thru phone sex again but she got mad an' told me 2 mind my own biz.

    well jeremy called an' canceled r date i think we r in 1 of those off-again p hases now. oh well mayb if liz posts another hott story we'll get inspired again! lol.


  • At 2:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i tried suggesting that ma go c a doc, but she just took that attitude of, "oh, u think u know everything cuz u r a teenager, but u don't!" & how know how it is when adults r like that!

    dunc & i are making up some punk songs abt how lame it is that our dads r so choochooriffic. punk just cuz that's the mood we're in 2day. lol.


  • At 2:41 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    apes i just realized i wished death on both ur brother an' ur mom the last couple days sorry if that seems harsh but they annoy the hell outta me.

    ok ger an' i picked out another chapter of mike's star trek the next generation slash story "Where No Hand Has Gone Before" here if mike has really cleaned up his act writing-wise it doesn't show in this story but mayb it's old.

    comandir ryker looked at himsself in the meeror and stroked his beard capten pickard was naging him to shave it agen. the comandir thawt to himsself "why are the men who play the women part in relashunships always so naggy?" but then he thawt about the dirty things the capten did to him that time they went on there 'honeymoon' on risa shure the capten spent most of his thyme shoping but then at nite, wow. but evir sinse the baybe was borne, their had bin hardly any sex. the comandir had red abowt postpardum dipreshun but he was loosing his payshence.

    capten pickard came into they're qwarters just then and put his arms arownd comandir ryker from behind and asked "how was you're day?" and comandir ryker said "lowsy" because he was stuck in there qwartirs all day with the baybe and it woldn't stop criing until the comandir shook it a bunch. he knew not two tell the capten that thow becawse the capten never licked him too dew that.

    capten pickard said "oh no honey let me mak it all bettir," and runned his hands threw comandir ryker's hare the comandir moaned and leened back into the capten's strong mosculer armes. befour he new it the capten puled him two the flore and unziped his unieform all the wey down too his bellie butten and then the capten run his fengers threw the comandir's thick chest hare witch mad the comandir mown with pashun. the capten then kised him with the fyre of a thowsend suns and started to slide his hand down his bodie past the bellie button to ware no hand had ever gown befour exsept for the capten's because the capten was the first man the comandir was ever with. the comandir's large and powerfull member grew tergid with pashun.

    just then the spayce phown rang and the capten wanted two ansir it but the comandir said "let the musheen ansir it." well it did and just as the capten was kissing a bodye part were tongues shold deafinetly gow the voyce of the capten's mothir cold be herd on the musheen. the capten's mom said "honey i am coming two visit!" the comandir mowned "oh no!" and the capten got angrey and went intwo teh babye's room and locked himsself in their. this was a old argyoomint becawse the capten's mother was allways bying them stuff and they colden't fit it all in a run-down little spaceship like they'res.

    sound familiar?


  • At 3:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, this is scaring me. dunc just read that slash stuff ov. my shoulder & he can't stop laffing! i think i need 2 play sum more music 2 get my mind off the scaree!


  • At 3:41 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear April and Becky,

    I have to admit that I am perplexed by Mike's attempts at writing what you call "slash." Aren't these stories supposed to be arousing? I know I'm not gay but I tried reading it while putting "Counselor Troi" in place of "Capten Pickard" and it still did nothing for me. Well, it did give me a headache.

    I was worried this meant that the progress "Big Gerald" has made had been set back somehow, so I took the stories to show Dr. Schlanger. He finished the first story, clapped his hand to his forehead, muttered, "Heilige Scheisze!" and then set fire to the printouts with his lighter. He said something about purification through fire. (That made me kind of nervous. I hope he doesn't decide that Big Gerald and the Boys need purification.)

    Maybe you can explain it to me.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

  • At 3:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry, ger, i think yr pee-pee doc just thought it was really, really bad & wanted it not 2 exist nemore.

    & no, it's not a bad sign that u didn't find the stories arousing. i think it just shows that even when mike wants 2 write sumthin' hott he ends up bringing in his trubs fr. real life, so his main char ends up all frustrated.


  • At 7:20 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becks. i think ur way cube. i canceled r date, cuz we were up l8 getting that gps out of me & i am way bhind n skool. mom sayz i can b ur roadie, only if i get gud grades 2. if u need 2hkpw sum1 else, thass cube.

  • At 7:34 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Thanks for the money. Normally I would wait for your mom to pay me instead of taking money that you got from the register, but the bills have really been piling up. I just got my last check from the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace and it didn’t go very far. I liked spending time with you at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies, but I must admit the salary promised by Tracey Mayes for working her restaurant is fiscally appealing.

    Would it sound strange if I actually did find Michael’s slash strangely arousing? When I was dating Ross (my last boyfriend), we used to do a little Lieutenant Tasha Yar and Lieutenant Worf play-acting, where I would be Tasha Yar. I just love Denise Crosby.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:25 PM, Blogger Marc said…

    dont ever say 'cuumm again. it can be interpreted many ways.

  • At 9:54 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I will be sure to avoid the word "'cuumm" in my past, present, and future posts. Is cumin OK? It's one of my favorite spices.

    Howard Kelpfroth


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