April's Real Blog

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Drowning in the Freelance

4got 2 mention in yesterday's post that part of what Ma forced Dee 2 say 2 Michael the nite B4 was 2 show him how much she makes as a full-time pharma + Mike's freelance $. The "=" part of that math prob is supposta B Mike can quit the dayjob & they'll have enuf. Ma had prepared Dee in case Mike said "what if the freelance dries up?" Dee's line: "Then it dries up! But--right now you're drowning in it!" Aw, poor overworked Michael-poo! Please. Hey, Mom, my homework is totally getting in the way of my playing guitar & making out w/Gerald. Can I quit school? Eh? Cuz I'm soooooo tired! And Gerald is learning enuf 4 the both of us!

Oh, & of course Dee has never mentioned 2 Ma that little suspended licence & reduced pay. Six months 2 go on that, yet somehow Mike's gonna B quitting his yob, yo. Follow that bliss, baby.



  • At 12:17 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    So, I called Mike to talk to him about this nonsense and ended up talking to Dee again. I guess Mom threatened her. She brought up the Trudy the Trout stairs incident and child abuse and well I'm sure you get the gist of it. Poor Dee. I guess we can't feel too bad for her though, she did get preggers behind Mike's back.

    Dee says saying anything to Mike is useless, all he'll start talking about is flowers and trees and nature and such. Which mean's he's extra high today.

  • At 12:51 PM, Blogger howard said…


    A lot has happened to me over the last week, so I have a lot to tell you. I have been undergoing tests performed by a Professor Roy Hinkley, Jr. (but just call him Professor he said), who works at York University, which as you know is Canada's third largest university. The professor gave me a lot of literature on enrolling. Anyway, a lot of the tests the professor was performing on me, left me a little out of it, and I had these weird hallucinations that I was in Disneyland, so I was unable to post my progress. The professor is a little odd, and he kept on having me drink these odd liquids that had a lot of smoke coming out of the top of them. For some reason, he preferred to use coconut shells for containers. He said that they were more sterile than glass or plastic.

    I got to ride in a centrifuge that I powered myself with a bicycle made up of bamboo and wood. I had to eat parts of a radio to see if I could pick up radio signals. The professor kept trying to tune the signal using my ear and nose. That experiment did not work particularly well. Initially, all we could get was AM. The reception was a lot better when the professor removed those GPS transmitters that had been implanted on my body. At nights, I would sleep in a hammock in the lab with the professor and listen to 96.3 FM Toronto Classical when I opened my mouth, which he said reminded him of a better time and simpler life on the island. Brenda Starr had to interrupt the professor and remind him that he was supposed to be finding out the reason for the rapid aging affecting the straight guys in Milborough. He got distracted easily, so fortunately Brenda was there.

    After all the testing was done (the professor would have kept on going, but Brenda said my overly drugged mind had exhausted all the Disneyland and California Adventure rides and she didn’t want me to go to Downtown Disney and the House of Blues, whatever that means.), the professor told me his results. He said, “The tissue samples from the Milborough women show that they have a new and different type of porphyrias, which is an inherited or acquired disorder of certain enzymes in the heme biosynthetic pathway. This enzyme appears to develop in the Milborough women sometime after puberty, as it did not appear in the samples from Merrie Patterson. It also appears to be acquired in nonnative Milborough women, as it was also present in Iris Richards. As to its effects, you have to understand the natural aging process. Normally human cells divide about 75 times over a lifetime. Each time a cell divides the telomere (which is the protective end of a chromosome) erodes. Eventually the telomere becomes too short to protect the chromosome and the cell dies, which is called apoptosis. The enzyme secreted by the Milborough woman affects the telomere and causes it to shorten more rapidly, which causes an aging effect. Scientific study has shown that gay men have a smaller INAH 3 nucleus of the hypothalamus than heterosexual men, more like the size of a woman's. This smaller INAH 3 nucleus protects women and the homosexual men from the effects of the Milborough enzyme. However, the enzyme does have an effect on the size of the INAH 3 nucleus if it is secreted in a particular area of the male body.” I mentioned to the professor the place where I had been tongued by the Milborough women, and he said that was the place and it was definitely a place where tongues should not go. Not only that, but it was anatomically impossible for a tongue to go there. Brenda described the tongue motion of the Milborough women that she had observed when they laughed and the professor was astounded. “Perhaps, this tongue elongation is a mutation made necessary for the mating process in Milborough”, he postulated. The professor continued on with the analysis of the tissue samples. He said, “In the samples of John and Michael Patterson, their samples show a clear case of significant INAH 3 nucleus growth over time, but no telomere shortening. So, clearly they have experienced this unusual tongue placement. The sample of Lawrence Poirier and the other gay men show some, but little INAH 3 nucleus growth and no telomere shortening. So they are healthy gay men. The sample from Anthony Caine and Gordon Mayes’ show a full-sized, heterosexual INAH 3 nucleus and the definite signs of aging. The samples from Jeremy Jones, Gerald Delaney-Forsythe and Duncan Anderson also show the initial signs of telomere shortening, particularly Mr. Delaney-Forsythe.”

    I asked the professor if there was any cure. He said, “This is new and different type of porphyrias, so the cure is uncertain. For acute porphyria, the treatment of a high-carbohydrate diet is typically recommended. So, if a Milborough woman were to intake a large number of pastries, for example, it could stem the flow of this enzyme production. He also pointed out that the standard ratio of heterosexual men to homosexual men was usually 10/1 but in Milborough, it was more like 5/3.” He theorized that the enzyme may have been developed by the Milborough women as a protective mechanism to guarantee the continuation of the species. I asked the professor if my sample had shown signs of INAH 3 nucleus growth, and he confirmed what I had suspected, that it had.

    Brenda was a little dismissive of the Professor’s theory. She believes that something or someone else is at work. After we left the professor, Brenda took me to meet a friend of hers from the Amazon area. He was dressed in a mask, a hat, and a trenchcoat and had a wolf kind of dog with him, he called Devil. He said his name was Kit Walker, and then he said as an ominous footnote, “Walker, for The Ghost Who Walks.” He was kind of scary-looking, but he had a really nice body. I could tell that Brenda was a little excited about him. She said to me, “Mr. Walker is even more experienced in investigating than I am. He and I need to do some consulting.” So they went into Brenda’s apartment, while I waited outside. I occasionally heard Brenda yelling, “Basil. Basil.” Then I heard Kit Walker yelling, “Diana. Diana.” And the wolf was barking and howling a lot.

    Anyway, I knew that he wasn’t Brenda’s husband, Basil St. John in disguise, despite Brenda’s yelling. Brenda and I met up with him when we went to a Maple Leafs practice while we were getting a tissue sample from Shawna-Marie. When I discovered that he was Brenda’s husband, I was a little afraid that he was there to fight with me, because, I think I have mentioned that Brenda and I had been intimate. Instead he seemed like a nice guy and he is really good-looking, even with the eye patch. When Brenda was away with Shawna-Marie getting her tissue sample, Basil said to me, “I know you have been intimate with Brenda and you were unable to satisfy her. Her lusts are too powerful for any man to sustain. I can only satisfy Brenda when I take an extract made from the rare black orchid. The rest of my time I spend in search for more of the orchid, which is extremely rare.” I said to him, “How did you know that Brenda and I were intimate.” Basil said, “I recorded it and have marketed it as ‘One Night in the Starr’. It has been very successful and I think it will pay for my next expedition to find the rare black orchid. Would you like a copy?” I said, “Boy would I.” So, now I have a personal record of my time with Brenda. Don’t worry, I won’t show it to you. It’s a little explicit and extremely sparkly.

    Brenda said her meeting with Kit Walker was very productive and he may have given her some new leads. She dropped me off with my uncle Melville and aunt Winnie, who live in Toronto. Before she left, she gave me a really sad letter from Rhetta Blum (I am going to have to talk to her. She seemed really depressed in the letter.) Brenda also told me that she had officially accepted the job with Tracey Mayes’ restaurant on my behalf and that I would start on Monday. She said that I had been replaced by someone at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies, which is good because I feared that Becky’s mother would work Becky all night to make up for my absence. It’s also bad, because I got to spend a lot of time with Becky there and I am going to miss spending all that time with my bud. Anyway, Brenda wants me to keep a record of the comings and goings of the Mayes’ family for her investigation. I am so excited to be a part of a Brenda Starr investigation.

    I am posting from my aunt and uncle’s computer. They are royally ticked off about Lovey Saltzman and her bill for the plaster repair on their ceiling. After all, Lovey had been in their apartment and played “Make Them Dance” with the brooms too. Apparently, uncle Melville got a little too excited the last time they played and broke some plaster in the ceiling. So, they aren’t playing that game anymore until the ceiling is repaired. In the meantime, they can hear their upstairs neighbours even better than before. There is a little intrigue going on upstairs. The wife was saying to some friend of hers, a Maxine Hébert I think I heard her say, “First I fixed up Weed with Carleen, so there is always someone over at Weed’s place now to keep an eye on things over there. Now, I have to work to get him to quit his day job, so he will be working at home all the time and not out with Weed. Lovey has a series of closed-circuit cameras wired up in the apartment, and she has agreed to help by turning on the ones in the apartment when I am at work.” I don’t know what all that means, but maybe you do.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    @ least u tried, liz. gah, i can't believe the way ma controls ppl. u were so smart 2 move far, far away.

    howard! we've, like, totally missed u. the testing soundz way weird, tho i hope it helps w/the investigation. i don't want my bf 2 end up like granthony (sorry granth, but u know what i mean).


  • At 1:19 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Based on the Professor's comments, it sounds like your mother's passion for pastries may be motivated by more than simple hunger. Perhaps you could also try a high-carbohydrate diet to help out Gerald. I know you already like cheese crackers.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:23 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    wow howie u must b really smart 2 understand all that telemere stuff (is that like television?) i think i got the gist of it but i'm not sure. so the professor thinks this just happened by accident in nature? or does he think some1 made this happen on purpose?

    we really missed u howie! i talked 2 mom an' she sed that u can have ur job back if u want it we r busy enuff at the bakery 2 have a bigger staff she wuzn't trying 2 fire u or nething. but i understand if u want 2 work 4 the mayeses cuz mom can b hard 2 take sometimes.

    i gotta go cuz jeremy is here i don't think i'm gonna tell him about his telemeres or whatever i don't want him 2 get scared or upset that he's gonna die young.

    hey question how come if girls telemeres get short early 2 that they don't get old as fast?


  • At 3:07 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    Hello to all my mirthful, meddlesome, mindful, mediocre, middle-of-the-road...uh...oh, just forget it anyhow. I'm so damn tired.

    The pills are gone now. I ran out about two days ago. I haven't eaten Dee's cooking in weeks - I think she's been putting something "extra" in it. For the first time in my life, I feel like a haze has lifted and I can actually write semi-literately, but my head is freakin' pounding and I just can't see straight anymore.

    My freakin' neighbors are going to town on their ceiling like Barry Bonds on a 'roid rage, my wife is more frigid than a Titanic-trashing iceberg and knows feh about pharmaceuticals, my kids are spoiled, bothersome brats - products of poor parenting and poor planned parenting - and I can't stop with the awful alliteration. AAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!

    Look here's the deal: I don't exactly want to quit my job. Being away from "my family" during the day is the only thing that brings some semblance of sanity - why do you think I spend most of the day hidden away? Dee says that we can live on what we earn with my freelance gig and her fulltime work. Bullcrap. I do have freelance work - if you consider editing a local high school newspaper and a student movie script at the Uni freelance work - but I still need my job to make ends meet. I thought I pulled down a decent salary, but the money seems to vanish faster than breakfast danish at Mom's house.

    A house. Never mind the fact that we can't even afford a freakin' house. April will have a house before we will. Yeah, Mom keeps dropping hints about buying her place in Milborough, but what kind of kid buys his parent's house? Sure, there are good memories there, but I'd rather make new memories in a place of my own.

    So - we should continue to struggle in this tiny cramped apartment dealing with crap that no sane person should have to deal with day in and day out for the rest of our lives? Personally, death sounds like a fairly viable option right about now.

    I don't understand why Dee doesn't want to make an attempt to move and seems so against trying to scrimp and save. If things don't start looking up, I may be forced to take drastic measures. This IS a fairly old building and lathe walls and burning cigars DON'T mix. God forbid something should catch fire...

    Michael Patterson

    P.S. Brenda Starr is a washed-up hack...

  • At 3:24 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    mike, think some more about the death option. u know it could really help dee an' the kids if u have a life insurance policy. they might be able 2 get that house after all!

    btw, we all know u really do want 2 buy the family house. apes totally heard u talking 2 dee that nite u were at the house, when u were going on an' on about how it would b bliss 2 raise ur little crib lizards there. she also heard dee turn u down 4 sex 4 like the 8 millionth time.


  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I missed my bud too. Let me see if I can answer your questions. I am not really that smart, but sometimes when I was around the Professor, I would start talking like him, and then I would get the shivers and would think I was getting sick, because I had not done that before. Anyway, I had the same question to the Professor about telomere having something to do with television, and he said no. Tel-O, with an O. The Professor did not know if it was an accident in nature or if it was made to happen on purpose. His findings only showed the effects. Brenda Starr told me she believed it was on purpose, and she is investigating to find the source.

    The Professor said the reason why the enzyme secreted by the Milborough woman only affects the telomere of straight men is because both women and gay men have a smaller INAH 3 nucleus of the hypothalamus than straight men. Somehow this smaller INAH 3 nucleus protects women and the homosexual men from the aging effects of the enzyme. I didn’t really understand much more than that. As for Jeremy, I can only suggest that you might try eating a little of your mom’s shop’s high-carbohydrate stuff for Jeremy’s sake. I think the Professor is creating a cure, but it may take him awhile to come up with it. For some reason, he likes to create cures using only citrus fruits, coconuts and bamboo.

    As for employment, I am going to try the Mayes’ restaurant and see if Tracey Mayes can really get those charges dropped. Then, if she does do it, I can go back to the bakery. Plus, Brenda Starr really wants me to help her with her investigation by working there. Oh my god. I’m helping out Brenda Starr.

    Howard Kelpfroth

    P.S. Brenda Starr can write circles around April's brother with both hands hand tied behind her back and her computer crashing...

  • At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    Way to pay attention, beckster.

    "A" house to raise kids, yes; "Mom's" house to raise kids, no.

    At the time, it sounded great. At the time, everything Mom said sounded perfect. "Buy this house, Mikey." "Move in here with the Dee and the kids, Mikey." "It's too big for your father and me, Mikey." "Let me bathe you like I did when you were little, Mikey."

    And maybe I did say something about wanting to buy Mom's house - I don't really remember. It seems so hazy. But maybe Apes and Liz can back me up on this: when you're in Mom's house, don't you find yourself saying things that no sane person would normally say?

    It was the pills, I tell you.

    And whatever damn "spice" Deanna was adding to her carrots.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:18 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    actually i find living w/ my mom keeps me grounded cuz i c every day a example of what happens 2 a person who's life goes off the rails so 2 speak. but ur mom is in a whole different class so mayb it's ezier 2 go krazee around her.

    howie i m sorry i didn't understand that part of the xxplanation the 1st time but now i get it. thanx. i say definitely go 2 work 4 tracey if she can get ur charges exsponged.


    p.s.--4 some reason gerald is in my garage fiddling w/ my dad's old shop vac. i don't know what he's doing but i will keep u posted apes.

  • At 5:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, u were totally fawning over brenda starr when she was @ our house 4 t-giving. i think u r just bitter cuz she criticized yr writing. but i think she was trying 2 help, u know?

    it's true that being around mom can make u say/do weird thingz. i can back u up on that, mike.

    i m a bit scared 2 think what ger mite b doing w/the vac, becks!

    howard, i'm a bit nervous abt following that advice abt eating like ma does. cuz lk @ her arse! i hope the professor comes up w/a cure that doesn't involve porkin' out!


  • At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Dear Girls and Howard,

    I just got off the telephone with The Professor. He said the GPS devices he sent to a friend to be analyzed came back with some interesting results. It seems that one of the devices emits an pulse which speeds up the metabolic effects of the enzyme Howard has been telling you about. The Professor tells me that further investigation is needed and he'll let me know when he has more results. He also needs another device, from a Milborough male. So I am hoping that either Jeremy, Duncan or Gerald would be kind enough to comply. Though I'm sure they all are very anxious to have them removed.

    Michael Patterson,

    Thank you so much for the compliments. I am hoping that you take the sage advice I gave you at Thanksgiving. I've been in this business a hell of a lot longer than any wet behind the ears puppy such as yourself. If I happen to be a washed up hack, well at least I've had the opportunity to be washed before my hacking, many other dirty little hacks such as yourself couldn't say as much.

    I spoke to the editor if Reader's Digest Canada as you begged me to do. I faxed over your article on the Kelpfroths. I know you've not been able to get past their slush pile. The editor called me back laughing, not at the greatness of your article, but at the joke I must be playing. I was told, "Firstly, it's poorly written and fragmented. Secondly, if it were well written I wouldn't publish it, because I wouldn't want to get sued for libel. Sounds like this guy is seriously cheesed off at his neighbors, tell him to take it up with his landlord or move. Don't send me anymore of this drivel."

    Howie Darling,
    I'm still in Toronto. I'll give you a call this evening and we will talk.


  • At 7:54 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Gee Michael, if Merrie and Robbie are such bad children, as a result of bad parenting then do something to fix it, you are their parent! Otherwise go like be like Goghan and run off to the islands. As Dee said, she can take care of things on her own. I hate seeing you so miserable. Besides, who's going to stop you? Mom? Think she'll come after you with her fancy new Crevass and drag you home by the head of your hair? You're a man...a full grown man how will she do that? Then again, you are a man, so step up big bro! Really.

  • At 8:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    soundz 2 me like ms. starr & lizzie r talkin' sense, mike.

    oh, howard, becks & i missed u so much when u were away, we put tog. a special gift basket & had it delivered 2 yr apt. pls let us know if u like it!


  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Oh my god, you called me darling. I wasn’t sure how you felt about me since the time you spent with Kit Walker. By the by, do you know where I got this new tattoo of four overlapping swords, with letter P’s forming a rotating cross? I have no recollection of being tattooed. Anyway, I am waiting by the phone for your call.

    Becky and April,

    I forgot to thank you and April for all the trouble you went through to get the tissue samples for me. That was so much work. I am so proud of you girls for doing that for me. I really owe you for that. Plus the gift basket was truly darling. The rainbow aromatherapy candle holder and candles and the new feather boa were just perfect. I love them.

    As for your problem with the enzyme and your boyfriends, maybe just a few more carbohydrates in the diet might do it. I do not think anyone can match April’s mom for pastry consumption. I called the Professor to ask about it and he said that mangos, oranges, pineapples and sweetened dried and grated coconut pulp are all high in carbohydrates. He said that there were other foods too, but that they were not important.


    I am not fond of you, due to the negative things you said about my idol, Brenda Starr and the negative things you wrote about my uncle and aunt in your column in the Clarion Weekly. However, when I was at my uncle and aunt’s apartment, I overheard you talking about working on the script for the remake of the 1954 George O'Hanlon picture, “So You're Having Neighbor Trouble”. That seems a little more substantial than a “student movie script at the Uni.” So, I don’t know if you are telling the truth or are making it appear that things are worse than they are, in order to gain sympathy.

    I think the problem is the claims represented to be yours in your family’s monthly letters. Your sisters constantly complain that their letters are heavily edited by their mother, so perhaps the same is true of you. For example, in the most recent monthly letter attributed to you, it states that your freelance work includes advertisements for print and radio, a large catalog for the fashion industry, a second book of bios, and several manuscripts for editing. Perhaps you should set the record straight with your sisters about these monthly letters, and maybe you will get more understanding from them.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becks, hc. i read bout the enzyme & tol my mom. she iz taking me 2 toronto 2night 2 get that gps out. aftah tuesday nite, i know that ur worth it.

  • At 12:30 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i m so glad 2 hear it jer i know we ren't official bf&gf but just in case i don't want ur equipment 2 get old an' shriveled b4 i turn 16.


  • At 12:39 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    p.s.--i 4got 2 tell u what ger wuz doing with the shop vac. well i went out there 2 ask an' rite off he asks me "where is the reverse on this thing?" an' i'm like "well i think the switch is on the bottom" an' so he dumps the vac over an' switches the switch. then he turns it on an' a hot blast of air came out an' ger pulls out the waistband of his sweatpants an' jams the hose down in there! i wuz like "wft r u doing?" an' he's all like "i tried using mom's hairdryer but the hot air burned." i'm like "why r u blowdrying ur privates?" an' he goes "dr. schlanger recommended regular blowjobs."

    well that did it i totally ripped the hose out of his pants an' kicked him out of the garage. while i wuz chasing him out of my yard i asked him i'm like "how come u never go over 2 april's house 2 b weird?! she's ur gf, not me!" an' ger wuz all like "well, usually it's cuz the pattersons get creeped out by ne mention of my penile woes but 2day i tried going 2 their house but mrs. p wuz already using the shop vac 2 blow under her arms." that wuz when i totally lost it laffing. so i let ger come in an' i xxplained bjs 2 him so apes didn't have 2 an' then we spent the afternoon reading more of mike's slash fic. we r picking out the best 1s now so i will post some later like mayb tomorrow.


  • At 1:54 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becks. the prof iz crazee, but the gps iz out. i know we ren't official bf&gf, but aftah tuesday nite, i don’t care wut u call us. that kissing wuz ur atb.


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