April's Real Blog

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Evicted People Can Sue Too

I'm just minding my biz this morning having my triple espresso w/lemon peel, & Dad goes, "April, U know after Michael's little confrontation with that Melville Kelpfroth guy, who was threatening to sue him, Lovey Saltzman just happened to show up and serve Kelpfroth with an eviction notice! Can U believe it?" & I'm all, "Yeah, I guess. I mean, I need 2 drink more coffee B4 I try 2 talk abt this, but what's so hard 2 believe?" Dad: "Well, isn't that gr8? Problem solved!" & I'm like, "But he can still sue, can't he?" & Dad got flustered & steered the convo 2 trains.

Becks is going thru a rough time rite now & wants 2 talk 2 Dunc & me on the bus this morning. "I've gotta take my mind off it all, so let's talk abt music!" she sez. NEway, gotta go!



  • At 8:04 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i'm sorry i didn't get a chance 2 answer yr questions last nite. i'm not sure how much i can help, but i'll try.

    Is this "Trudy the Trout stairs accident" good enough material for blackmail? What do you know about it? How does your father feel about it? Does it matter to you?

    ok, well the weird thing is dee has changed the way she xplains this accident. rite after she got back fr. the hospital, she was like, "i can't believe she fell! she's used 2 the stairs @ mike's parents' place & @ my mom's." but then, in her june letter, she's all, "I really should have been watching her more closely, but I didn't think she'd find 'Tootie the Tricycle Trout' at the back of the hall closet and make it all the way out the front door while I was changing Robin. Man, that kid moves fast! But she'll be okay. The doctors and nurses questioned me really closely, and it was nerve-wracking since I was already upset, but I really can't blame them."

    c, in the 1st version it just soundz like she let merrie do whatev by the stairz cuz dee thought she was gd w/them. then suddenly there's a big story abt how she dug out the wheely toy while dee was tied up w/diapering. also, how can a 4-wheeled toy b called a tricyle? it looks like a fishlipped car, not a trike.

    it was also weird that whenev merrie told some1 she'd broken her arm, dee was all, "it's just a fracture." isn't "fracture" another word for "break"?

    my dad hasn't really sed much abt the accident other than, "isn't that a shame." it matters 2 me cuz i love my lil niece.

    On the other hand, your sister-in-law also wants your brother to quit his Portrait job, but tries to convince your sister that she doesn’t want that. I suppose this means that if your brother does quit the Portrait job, then it would look like your sister-in-law didn’t want to it to happen, when she really did. Why would she care what your sister thinks? Does your sister have some sort of special influence over your mother or anyone else? What is so bad about the job at Portrait anyway? I would love to have that job.

    i'm not sure abt all this. it's confusing. back when mike & dee stayed @ our house during their move, i overheard them talking abt how they'd both luv 2 buy the house & raise their kids there. mike then sed that he didn't think my 'rents wd ever sell the house, & also that the house is 2 far fr. portrait. the job @ the mag is, like, a job lots of ppl wd kill 4. the only thing i can think is it standz in the way of mike buying the house. & i know my 'rents really do want him 2 buy it fr. them someday.

    but y wd dee want liz 2 think she doesn't want this when she does? i really don't know. liz having influence over mom? liz mite b able 2 tell u better than i can next time she posts, but liz does have her wayz, like when she fixed thingz w/mom so i'd b able 2 play that freeman gig. but i think liz sez this has its limits.

    well, if i don't stop rite now & get going w/the school stuff i'll b in trub!


  • At 9:01 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes! Gr8 news! My manly bits shld B better by Sat an' I have a d8 w/ Keesha on Sat. C u l8r.

    p.s. Ger, mayB u shld stay away fr Dr. Schlanger. My mom wldnt let him c me again after he saw me in emerg. I heard my mom tell my dad that Willy's under investigation an' I think she means Dr. S.

  • At 9:09 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    c, ger, i knew dr. perv was bad news! telling 14yo's 2 get bj's & xtra gf's!

    gd news abt yr boy bits. i'll bet keesha's glad u r doing better!


  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    Mom has been kinda sucking up to me a bit lately because of her personal ad scam, so maybe Dee is afraid that Mom will give me the house to appease me. Though really, I don't know what's going through Dee's head. Maybe it's postpartum depression.

    Things here in Mtig have not been note worthy. Just teaching and such. I do my crafts, dress the cat and read. I actually have read through 2 whole books since I've been here! Can you believe it?

  • At 9:44 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Liz! Ill send u War an' Peace if u have finished all yr books. I dont need it NEmore 'cos I stopped doing Reading Time w/ Malcolm @ Mboro Manors.

  • At 9:52 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, liz, mayB if u dress jesse 2 match shiims, he will get scared & stop stalking ya. otoh, mayB he'd like it & stick around more. nev mind, it cd b a v. bad idea.


  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Thanks to you and Liz for answering my questions. The conversation I overheard yesterday afternoon makes more sense, sort of.

    I talked with my uncle Melville again about his conversation with his upstairs neighbour. You may remember from yesterday, that he was trying to get him to admit that the “Clarion Weekly” article was about him, so he could try his fake lawyer gag to scare the upstairs neighbour into believing he was suing. Well, this did not work. The upstairs neighbour refused to admit anything about the article. My uncle has never really seen a man so passive aggressive before. So my uncle decided to try the suing threat anyway, just to set the wheels in motion for the gag. The upstairs neighbour just turned and walked away. My uncle was shocked that the upstairs neighbour wouldn’t own up to what he had done, but my uncle was happy that he at least got that “Hey there, Melville” smirk off the neighbour’s face when he left.

    Then suddenly the landlord Lovey Saltzman appeared out of nowhere, and my uncle was completely disoriented. The wall to the right of his apartment changed to brick, and the solid floor in the hall outside his apartment changed to laid hardwood. Then Lovey handed him an eviction notice. That completely threw him off. It took him awhile to get reoriented and verify that the wall and floor had actually changed right in front of him. My uncle is a changeling, but he did not realize that he was living in a changeling.

    So, my uncle went to consult his lawyer about the notice. It was a Notice to Terminate a Tenancy Early (Form N5) which listed the reasons for termination as (1) the actions or conduct of a tenant seriously interfered with the reasonable enjoyment of another tenant or the landlord. In this case, his smoking and ceiling-banging were listed as interfering with his upstairs neighbour’s reasonable enjoyment. And (2) the tenant caused undue damage to the rental unit or property. In this case, the breaking of the ceiling plaster was listed.

    My uncle’s lawyer explained that under the Tenant Protection Act for case (1) – the smoking and ceiling-banging, he could void the notice and stay in the rental unit if they stopped the activity within 7 days and for case (2) – the broken ceiling plaster – he could void the notice and stay in the rental unit if they repaired the damage or paid the cost of repair to the landlord within 7 days, which they could do by paying the bill Lovey had presented to him. The lawyer explained that Lovey had probably waited until the ceiling had been damaged, because it would be difficult to prove what their upstairs neighbour’s reasonable enjoyment actually is. The lawyer said that my uncle and aunt could easily stay in the apartment if they wanted, by stopping smoking and banging the ceiling and by paying the plastering bill; but they are uncertain if they want to go through the trouble after being betrayed by Lovey, whom they thought was their friend. Plus that changeling building thing has really freaked them out. I think they may move. The Lovey thing has hurt their feelings and they are scared of their walls and floor.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:28 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that bldg is pretty freaky, howard. something abt it gives me the creeps whenev i visit, tho i've nev. actually seen it change like that. but i guess it shdn't be 2 surprised. i can't say i'd blame yr unk & aunt if they wanna just move. i m sure there r way nicer bldgs they cd find 2 live in.


  • At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Dear Friends,

    I must offer my apologies for being absent so long. I went back to the paper I work for and got caught up with a Mench chef. The chef was a little cute but there's just something fishy about him, besides, I find it hard to take a man in a chef's hat seriously. Howard, you're not wearing a chef's hat at Gordon and Tracy's restaurant are you?

    The Professor called me regarding the GPS device he took out of Jeremy and it was emitting the same frequency which Howard's device was using. The Professor has suggested that as many people as possible have their GPS devices removed. He will be at my party on Saturday and will be removing the devices at that time. He has requested that April Patterson sumit some blood samples for study.

    Howard, I need your assistance. Would you please configure a tropical menu? The Professor has requested it. Pineapple, coconut, papaya, banana and so on, but no banana or coconut cream pies please. He says such a menu will aid him in the removal of the GPS device. I'll get in touch with you for the other things I really need you for.

    Becky, please go to the last place you rented equipment from. I have already placed a phone call and spoken with the manager. You are to pick out any equipment you'll need to entertain as well as items with which to DJ so that you can have frequent breaks to assist Howard. Make sure to send me an equipment list so I can go over it when it's delivered on Saturday morning. I want the music to be young and hip! Also, you and your band mates and assistants need to wear formal/black tie. I will arrange the means to purchase these items. Hopefully Howard will be able to shop with you. His taste is impeccable.

    On another note, The Professor has been intrigued with Mike's changeling abilities and would like to study him. I don't believe Michael is going to be available for testing. It has been mentioned that Melville Kelpfroth also has this gift. The Professor would like to know if he would be willing to submit himself to some brief testing. Also, he has recently found out that an associate of his is a former neighbor of the aforementioned Michael Patterson and might have some curious stories to tell.

    Thank you all! I'll be seeing you soon.


  • At 12:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, we get 2 shop! yay! no prob abt giving the professor a sample if it'll help. & i'll be happy 2 get the gps device(s) removed. cuz, like, ick.


    p.s. i also meant 2 say, howard, the dishes u described fr. the restaurant sound delish!

  • At 1:14 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am so glad to hear from you. I was getting a little worried, even though I know I shouldn’t be. To answer your question, I don’t wear a chef's hat at Gordon and Tracy's restaurant. I wouldn’t mind a nice pink one, but since I work the stove, the cash register, and serve some of the guests, I really can’t make it work. No problem with the tropical menu, though. I put in the order with Blue Line, so the food supplies should arrive in plenty of time for me to prepare them by Saturday. Should I work this as a part of the Mayes Midtown Motors to get Gordon and Tracey involved with your investigation, or should it be a separate individual catering job, or should it be with Krystle’s Kakes and Pies, since you want Becky to help?

    I will be more than happy to help with the formal attire shopping. Is the party after 6 pm? It will change my colour selection, depending on the answer to that question.

    I will ask my uncle Melville, if he will submit to tests from the Professor and tell stories about Michael Patterson. To be honest, Brenda, he is sort of freaked out about changeling stuff right now. The request would go over better if you were to ask him yourself. Both he and my aunt Winnie would probably do it, if a person with your stature and reputation were to ask. I am pretty sure he would refuse me, if I asked him right now.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 5:22 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Howard my darling,

    The party is set for 6:30pm but I don't expect guests to begin arriving until 7:00pm. Remember the theme is tropical so I'd like to keep things light. To give you a hint of what I'm looking for, this is the dress I am leaning toward, it just screams my name. I am considering something in green. However, blue would offset my hair nicely.

    Tell me what you think Howard. I'll base my decision based on your opinion, which is very important to me. I will also speak to Melville, but it will have to be later in the week as I am tied up at the moment.

    The Professor is interested in meeting Elly and John Patterson. I am going to be busy Saturday with preparations for the party and Saturday is the only day The Professor can spare. Would someone like to volunteer an "accidental" meeting between The Professor and April's parents? Don't worry he won't let any thing slip. He realizes that our operation is extremely covert. Let me know ASAP and I'll give The Professor the details to meet up with you.


  • At 5:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ms. starr, my mom can't pass up bakeries. if i suggest we all go out 4 a treat @ krystles kakes & pies, i know my mom wd go 4 it. then the professor cd just happen 2 show up there 2.


  • At 6:07 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You will look smashing in whatever dress you choose Brenda. I am little afraid to tell my favourite reporter about dressing, since you are known for being a fashion leader. However, for a tropically themed party, you really need to pick a dress that has a tropical colour, something that is a little more neon in its shading. None of your suggestions really fit that bill. A dress with the colours of Magenta, Mandarin Orange, Citrine Yellow, Jewel Teal, or Quartz Purple would be more tropical.

    Since the party is after 6 and you want the musicians to wear formal / black tie attire, the male musicians should be wearing tuxedos. Becky and April would also be wearing formal wear, but formal is usually not the same as tropical. I will see what I can do to blend those two. Do you have a place in mind for them to shop, a store where you have a line of credit?


    By the by, I see from the posts today that Duncan has a date with Keesha on Saturday. You might want to see if he can rearrange his date, so he can participate with you, assuming you want him to be there. Brenda Starr has also requested that you are to DJ so that you can have frequent breaks to assist me. I don’t know if you have experience in that area, so you may want to just prerecord some dance music selections in advance to play during those breaks.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:47 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…


    I suppose I am leaning toward something too subdued. I just don't want to look as though I'm going to a garden party.

    Here is one I think may fit the bill perfectly.

    As for places I have a line of credit. I say this, "Where don't I have a line of credit?"

    As for DJ music, just avoid putting on anything you'd find on station 96.3.


  • At 7:22 PM, Blogger howard said…


    That last dress choice is lovely. I knew that it was fruitless for me to make suggestions to someone as knowledgeable as you. About the store, I guess when I was asking about it, I was really asking if there was a particular clothing store you favoured over others. I wasn't trying to suggest that there was any store that would not bend over backwards to get your business. I am feeling kind of stupid now. I have never really known anyone as famous as you before.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:41 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…


    There is absolutely no need to be embarrassed. I was just trying to let you know that you can take them anywhere you'd like. I like Neiman Marcus and Macey's, but the girl's might prefer another store.

    And remember, to you I'm just Brenda forget the Starr.

    I am a little worried about Becky though. I hear that she is having some difficulties. She will be able to play the party, correct?

    Love always,

  • At 8:20 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I'll try to forget the Starr part; but I can't make any promises. I have idolized you for so long, I don't know if can really turn that off. As for Becky, she has been having some difficulties, but I doubt she would turn down an opportunity to perform for Brenda Starr. Oops! There I go again.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:42 PM, Blogger howard said…


    This evening, your sister-in-law came into the restaurant with her 2 children Merrie and Robin and a woman I recognized as Lovey Saltzman and another man, I did not recognize. When they got there, the man said, “Are we eating here? This restaurant is schlecht. You get tziganna bibkalach and the food is trafe. I don’t want to eat here.” Lovey said, “Now Morrie. Be a mensch and not so meshungina. We won’t eat; we'll have a little nosh with Deanna is all. She is taking us out to celebrate.” Deanna said, “I have no idea what you two are saying. This place used to be bad, but I came here yesterday with Carleen and the food was terrific.” Then she said to me, “Howard, do you have something on the menu that Lovey and Morrie would like?” I said that we had some potato and cheese pierogies, Golabki and a selection of kosher meats. Lovey said, “Any rabbit? I have quite a recipe for rabbit from the old country.” I said, “No rabbits, but some good kosher Kiełbasa.” Then Lovey said, “I think I know you from somewhere. You look kentlech.” Deanna said, “Howard is my sister-in-law April’s backup gay. Maybe you know him from that?” Morrie said, “Backup gay! What kind of mishigas is that?” I sat them down to a table, while Deanna explained about the peculiarities of Milborough.

    Anyway, as I was serving their food and refilling Morrie’s glass with more Zywiec Beer, I overheard their conversation. It went something like this:

    Deanna: Lovey. This dinner is a big thank you for giving those nasty, awful Kelpfroths that eviction notice.

    Lovey: Mazel tov on the eviction. Oy, you have such a shayna punim, it was a pleasure. Plus that Melville was such a schmendrick.

    Deanna: I have no idea what you just said. Help me out here.

    Lovey: Oy gevalt. I keep forgetting you are a shikse. I was saying it was worth the effort to install those hidden cameras and go through their trash every day for 3 months, just to see the look on his face when I handed him the notice. That was a real good chochmeh of yours to wait until they finally broke the ceiling plaster. Good evidence for the Toronto Rental Housing Tribunal. A lot more tzorress than just the cigar smoking and ceiling banging.

    Deanna: Thanks, I think.

    Morrie: This food is mechaya. I’m going to get dessert.

    Merrie: Mommy. Can I have some more poutine?

    Robin: Poo-teen. Poo-teen. Poo-teen.

    Deanna: All right. If that will keep you guttersnipes quiet. Howard, bring some more poutine. (I bring some more.)

    Lovey: What schmutzics those Kelpfroths were, to think that a little smoke and noise could drive you out. You are too kreftik for them.

    Deanna: I think I agree with whatever you just said. If Michael and I wouldn’t move out when my mother so shamefully offered us a house, the Kelpfroths certainly weren’t going to do it. I don’t know who hired them, but they should definitely get their money back. The Kelpfroths must have learned their techniques from 1950’s TV sitcoms.

    Morrie: This cheesecake is geschmak. I’m going to get some more.

    Merrie: Mommy. Can I have some cheesecake?

    Robin: Sheesh. Sheesh. Sheesh.

    Deanna: All right. If that will keep you jackanapes quiet. Howard, bring some cheesecake. (I bring some.)

    Lovey: Speaking of 1950’s TV sitcoms, how did you convince Michael to take up that tape on the floor? That was a real mitzvah you did.

    Deanna: I took up the tape myself one day and told him that it was now an imaginary line. Michael believes pretty much everything I tell him these days. I can’t wait for him to quit his job at Portrait magazine. If I keep up with the nagging, it will happen any day now.

    Morrie: This second cheesecake is geschmak too. I’m going to get some more.

    Merrie: Mommy. Can I have some more cheesecake?

    Robin: Mo Sheesh. Mo Sheesh. Mo Sheesh.

    Deanna: All right. If that will keep you whippersnappers quiet. Howard, bring some more cheesecake. (I bring some.)

    Lovey: Feh! That Portrait magazine has turned your Michael into such a faigele. It’s got him all furblungit. The sooner he quits the better.

    Deanna: I think I agree with you.

    Morrie: These kids are brechn.

    Lovey: Oy gevalt!

    Deanna: What does that mean? Oh no! Not again!

    Merrie: (vomiting noises)

    Robin: (vomiting noises and exploding poop noises)

    Anyway. I had a little cleaning to do after they left. As bad as it sounds, it still was not as bad as cleaning up after Dixie.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, those poor kiddles. this makes me wanna kidnap them! v. v. interesting convo u overheard there, howard. it's weird how anxious dee is 2 have mike quit that job.


  • At 9:14 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I really don't know Deanna well enough to consider whether her behaviour is odd or not compared to what she is normally like. You would probably know better, since she is one of your family. Does she have a history of manipulating people?

    You said in an earlier post today that you thought that the Portrait job stood in the way of your brother buying your house. If that were to happen, would you live with your brother or would you move to your parents' new home? Personally, I would think your parents would wait until you had gone to university and found a job before they would sell. What's the big hurry?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Lovey S. said…

    ACH! My posts keep getting eaten. I am Fahklumpt. So, you will have to wonder what it was I had to say about the eviction, my lawyer Morrie, and the changling building.

    It was Gloib mir, believe me, but this computer and this web are Hockin me a chinick!

    Mostly, this changling talk confuses me. I do not know this term. This is not happening in my building.

    Zei Gesung,
    Minerva Mcgon..., er, Lovey

  • At 9:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u think u're confused, howard, well, lemme tella ya. u & me both. my dad's all hopped up abt this smaller house w/a bigger yard that's not even 4 sale but he figs the old folks who live there'll either die or move b4 w2 long. he's actually making decisions like this based on having a place 2 set up the blasted choo-choo displays! i really don't know deets abt the house, but i think it's got room 4 me.

    don't really know about dee & manipulating. she may b married 2 my bro, but really i don't feel like i know her well @ all.


  • At 11:08 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Wow! That is certainly confusing. I know I couldn’t base my employment decisions on making it easy to buy a house that isn’t for sale until another house that isn’t for sale comes up for sale when the persons in it die or move. After all, if the persons die, the persons who inherit the house may have decided that they will move into the house and leave whatever house they are living in as an inheritance for some other person that your parents have never met. Then your brother would have quit his job for nothing. I think.

    By the by, I didn’t know that Lovey Saltzman’s husband Morrie was also her lawyer. That must make life interesting for her.

    Still confused,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:47 AM, Anonymous Lovey S. said…

    That's right! Morrie IS Lov ... er, MY husband. Yes.

    There are starting to be some kinks in my plans. I may need to leave you Muggles behind.

    Min..., I mean, Lovey


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