April's Real Blog

Friday, October 21, 2005

Carleen speaks up!

Weed and Carleen were back @ my school 4 retakes on the school pics, & again they were there unloading equipment when I was getting off of the bus. I tried 2 slink away B4 they noticed me, but they caught me! So Weed told me, "Yr big bro convinced me 2 consider buying Lovey's bldgs w/him. He sez he & yr dad R 'reasonable carpenters' & cd do a lot of the work." OMG, I was totally sipping espresso fr. my thermos & did a major spittake when I heard that. Weed & Carleen R way lucky I wasn't pointed @ them when I did it. I just barely missed Dunc, who snatched away my thermos & told me I cd have it back after this talk of Mike & carpentry had passed. Weed looked a bit confused, & I sed my dad is OK w/the carpenter-type stuff, but that NE time he & Mike have worked tog. on a "shop" type project, it was 90% Dad undoing stuff Mike had bungled up. So, y'know, just saying. Weed told me he'd been more concerned abt where Michael wd find the time, as he already works ("works"!) 16 hrs/day, so I guess he hasn't been in on the quit talk. This is when Carleen piped in. She sed she walked in w/Dee rite after Mike got Weed 2 agree 2 think abt this stuff. "I asked them, 'Are U going 2 let the women in on this conversation, or wd U prefer 2 make a dumb decision by yrselves?' They froze in their tracks & then turned around lookin' all 'busted' or something, like we'd caught them making out. What's w/that, Jo?" & Weed was all, "I don't know what U're talking abt, woman!" Just then, Dunc tugged @ my sleeve, all, "Apes! We're gonna B l8!" So I had 2 go. I'll tell U more when I hear stuff.

NEway, Becks is OK. She & her Mom R back, & her Dad's back in jail, since he almost did an armed robbery @ that bank. Beckers is resting up 2day, then we're gonna shop w/Howard in the l8 afternoon, 4 our "Brenda Starr party" formal dresses. Shopping, peeps! :)



  • At 8:57 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear Friends,

    Please pardon my recent absence from the blog. A few nights ago, I lost my cell phone with wireless internet in a tragic maritime accident.

    You see, my parents learned that I was spending all of my designated "porno time" reading Mike's absurd slash stories and laughing. I didn't realize they'd installed that Net Nanny on my phone, too. My dad spent a few hours in a telephone conference with Drs. Krazenfutz and Schlanger. It seems he is afraid that I will turn into a) a Trekkie, b) a gay man, and c) someone who likes bad porn. I guess he's most worried about the gay thing because he knows it would condemn me to the same horrible fate that Howard suffers daily as a result of the "Milborough Backup Gay Marriage Assurance Plan."

    So I figured out how to disable the Net Nanny on the phone and locked myself in the bathroom to read Mike's slash there. Unfortunately, Dad quickly caught on to my little plan. He started banging on the door, bellering, "Gerald Millicent Forsythe-Delaney, I know what you're doing!" I was in the bathtub at the time, and I was quite startled by the noise. I dropped my phone, but fortunately it landed on the decks of the USS April Patterson.

    I grabbed it and jumped out of the tub, yelling, "What, I'm only taking a bath!" And Dad yelled back, "I have a Ph.D. in figuring out how you twisted little brats think! Don't believe for one minute that you can fool me!" Desperate for a way to fool him, I threw my cell phone in the toilet and flushed. Fortunately, it was so small that it went down.

    It turns out I flushed the phone for nothing. Dad didn't know about me disabling the Net Nanny at all. He was just upset because he knew I was in the bathtub playing with my toy boats instead of masturbating. I ended up having to replace the phone with some birthday money I got from Grandma Millicent. (It really pays to be a namesake!)

    I will post the latest Mike slash story soon. It seems that he's gotten some inspiration from April's Real Blog.

    Sincerely yours, and devoted to my little sailor April forever, Gerald

    P.S.--April honey, maybe the next time I take a bath you can come over and play Submarine?

  • At 9:06 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, ger, u still have that lil boat i gave u! that is so sweet!

    yr dad's kinda scary in how he's trying 2 control yr porn viewing & wanking. no wonder ppl alwayz say that psychs mess up their kids more than ne other 'rents do!

    i'm glad i know y u haven't been posting so much l8ly, tho, & glad u're back 2 it!

    i'd better not take a bath w/u or we wd prolly get carried away. unless, u know, we can wear our bathing suits.


  • At 9:07 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well mom an' me had a heart-2-heart. turns out the nite i heard her yelling dad's name she put her tongue in that special place an' she thought she converted him back 2 being straight. but then dad called me using his 1 phone call an' it turns out he wuz prepared 4 her an' he a piece of scotch tape over the spot so he wouldn't get converted 4 real. i guess dad mostly wanted 2 have me come live with him in his new place in the yukon an' he sez he knew mom would never give me up so he pretended 2 get converted back he also sed he knew he would "need a woman out on the frontier" to do things like "cook his dinner an' fill his pipe." i wuz like "when did u start smoking a pipe?" but turns out he really meant his bong. sheesh dad!

    well fortunately dad is only getting charged 4 inappropriately displaying a weapon or something at first they thought he would get nailed as a felon w/ a gun but dad wuz never busted 4 felonies just misdemenors. also i guess he didn't get far enuff along in his plan 4 attempt cuz when we didn't go inside that wuz like renouncing the plan or something. that's what dad's lawyer sed when he called. the lawyer also sed the prosecutor up there is super lazy he just wants 2 have as much time as possible 2 do his sideline raising sled dogs. so i guess that's not very much jail time mayb howie can research it an' tell me he is so smart on the canadian law stuff. the only law i know is frum "law an' order" reruns an' that's all american.

    i think we need 2 get 2gether an' jam 2nite.


  • At 9:19 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jam session soundz like a gr8 idea, becks! let's do it after we get those dresses w/howard.

    dunc, i just saw keesha grant in the hallway. she heard abt the brenda starr party & sez she'd like 2 go, so mayB u 2 can turn that in2 yr d8 so u can still play?


  • At 9:35 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friends,

    I know you will enjoy Mike's latest slash story, entitled "Klingons Mate For Life."

    weslie crushir was siting in his qwartirs werking on a new storie four the ship's pristeegus weeklie paper "the clarion" when that funny littel dorbel went off. welsie said "enter" and who shuld com in but weslie's fioncay lootenant wharf. weslie ummedeatlie went over two his troe love and kised him sweetlie hello. at first lootenant wharf kised back but then wen weslie tryed too use tung in the kiss he puled away and said "i thot you licked it that i am not like you sluttie humans and that klingons don't hav secks befour marrege." weslie wus very cunfuzed he said "butt you agreed we are moveing in toogethir" and lootenant wharf said "yes but that does not meen we will have secks. you will sleep on the cowch becuaze i must remayne a vergen." weslie was very upset and so he thowt of a brilyent idea. he said "let's get marryed tonite!" lootenant wharf did nto lick that ideya he said "but it will not be a propir klingon weding and i woen't get to wear my big wite dress" and weslie said "we will still have that weding layter becawze god knows we cold not stop your mothir even if we wantid two." wharf was all excited and quicklie agreed two the plan. weslie told him too go put on something pretie. when lootenant wharf left weslie quickley called jordey lufforje on his comunikador and asked "will you preform a weding ceremonie four me and wharf?" and jordey said "i am not a real minester i only wore that costoom four haloweene." weslie said "i know but wharf and i want two have a human cerimoney now in case i diey dureng the klingon one" witch jordey beleivied becawze onlie like a few humens have evir survived it. of coarse weslie was not worrieed abowt that becawze he is a reesonabil warrier and kniw he was up to suche a jygantec challingge. jordey said "okay but it won't be legil" and weslie said "yes but down't menshun that two wharf he takes it very seriusley." so jordey agreed and said he wold be they're in fifteene minuts. just then wharf came back. weslie was disuppoyntid insted of wearing his skempy red dress wharf had chosin a very matronlie heavie gray wool turtilneck dress. weslie asked him whiy and wharf said "this is a verie searius ockashun." so they had the weding witch was qwiyt boreng and jordey left and it was the weding nite. weslie tryed two unzip the dress but wharf stoped him and said "a humen weding is onlie enouthgh fore us two dry hump." weslie was tyred of argooing so he dry humped wharf franteclie witch helped weslie's urges but wharf did not seem two enjoy it. he just layed there like a lump wethout ever moveing at all. weslie then requestid a hand job. wharf forchoonently felt guiltie about weslie's urges so he preformed the handjob but wore the rubbir gloves he uses two washe dishis with. it was not very satisfiing but bettir than jakking off in the sonick shower witch chafes.

  • At 9:37 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    I would totally settle for bathing suits. Deal.

  • At 9:43 AM, Anonymous The Professor said…

    Dear Gilligan,

    Ginger left me no way to contact you. I have no e-mail address for you like I do Maryanne, so I must resort to unprofessionally contacting you here.

    I hope that it's acceptable that I show up at your work this early afternoon. I'd like to see you in action.

    Thank you,

  • At 9:55 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, ger, bathing suits it is.

    wow, that slashfic fr. mike soundz v. v. familiar! lol.


  • At 10:02 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I barely survived my night with Brenda Starr. For some reason, she wanted me to make her a dinner with Mexican and French food combined, and speak alternatively in Spanish and French as I was preparing each dish. It had something to do with some chef she saw at her office. Fortunately, I know enough of both of those languages from cooking food to be able to fake it pretty well. My language accuracy didn’t much matter. I didn’t leave the kitchen until early this morning, when Brenda finished using the last of the frijoles and crème brulé to do things I really cannot describe to you, but let’s say were very pleasing, quite exhausting and culinarily satisfying. April, I think I am in love with this woman. If she wasn’t already married, I would definitely propose. How did I get so lucky to have Brenda Starr be interested in me? I have been having trouble keeping my head on straight all morning. I hope that I will be ready by the time the Professor comes to test me at work early this afternoon.

    Anyway, I see Becky wants me to research the charges against her father, because she thinks I am so smart on the Canadian law stuff. Actually all my information came from my lawyer, but I can ask him what he knows.

    As for your encounter with Weed and Carleen, I had a conversation with my uncle Melville about something he overheard that may help explain what they were talking about. My uncle was over in the building next to where he lives, where his landlord Lovey lives. He recognized the voices as his male upstairs neighbour and the 2 people who live upstairs from Lovey. This is how the conversation went:

    Male upstairs neighbour over my uncle: Lovey wants to sell these two houses and move! She said she would sell them cheap!

    Female upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Did she actually consult with her husband Morrie before she said that, or was she just upset about the Kelpfroths and saying things she didn’t really mean?

    Male upstairs neighbour over my uncle: We could do it, Weed! You and I could put our bucks together and buy these two houses! You live here, we live there, we rent the downstairs apartments and the investment pays for itself!

    Female upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Earth to Mike: Do you know how much these houses would cost? They are “Heritage houses” and we live near Yorktown, one of the most expensive neighbourhoods in Toronto. Have you even run the figures to see if you can afford it?

    Male upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Mike, the places are falling apart! The basements are damp; the wiring is ancient-repairs alone would cost us a fortune!

    Female upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Now you’re talking sense Weed. But what about what I said about the overall cost due to the neighbourhood?

    Male upstairs neighbour over my uncle: But Weed! These are “Heritage houses”!

    Male upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Exactly!

    Female upstairs neighbour over Lovey: I just said that. Are you guys even listening to me? I am going to change my shirt from this pink one to a yellow one and then I am going to get Deanna. (leaves slamming the door)

    Male upstairs neighbour over my uncle: I thought she’d never leave.

    Male upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Someone left? Anyway, so what did Deanna say when you asked her?

    Male upstairs neighbour over my uncle: She said, “Cheap does not exist in Toronto!”

    Male upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Well, duh! This isn’t a backward little city like Milborough.

    Male upstairs neighbour over my uncle: I actually like Milborough, but there are certainly no jobs there as magazine editors or freelance jobs editing books and movie scripts.

    Male upstairs neighbour over Lovey: You said it brother. Imagine if we owned these 2 buildings. Whenever we wanted to get out, we could just say we were inspecting the building or doing a repair and no one would question it.

    Male upstairs neighbour over my uncle: It would be just like those days when we were rooming together in college. Not a care in the world and the freedom to move around as we please.

    Male upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Life would be so wonderful. If Carleen started to call me dumb or stupid, which she does more frequently every day, I could just get up and say, “I’ve got a repair to do. Bye!”

    Male upstairs neighbour over my uncle: If Deanna started complaining I was spending too much time writing and started nagging me to quit my job; I could just get up and say, “I have to speak to the tenants about their bill. Bye!”

    Male upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Once we get the Kelpfroths out and Lovey and Morrie move out, we could rent to young university girls. Pretty ones!

    Male upstairs neighbour over my uncle: Oh, I can just imagine the scent of romance in the air.

    Male upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Buying a Heritage House sounds romantic, but…

    That was all my uncle Melville heard, because just then he was knocked down by 2 women who were yelling among themselves, “Those stupid idiotic men. A flea has more brains than they have. They’re not going to ignore us any longer. Then they started singing:

    We are women, hear us roar
    In numbers two you can’t ignore
    And we know much more than you, you stupid men
    'cause we've heard you all before
    And we will knock you on the floor
    No one's ever gonna let you up again

    Oh yes we are wise
    And it's wisdom without shame
    Yes, we've paid the price
    But we will shop again
    If we have to, we will beat in your brains
    We are strong
    We are invincible
    We are women

    They were not very good singers, and my uncle was afraid they might attack him, so he left before he heard anything else. I thought this story would help you understand.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:16 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, howard, i don't know how carleen can stand it when mike an' weed ignore her like that.

    mexican & french food? what an odd combo.


  • At 2:14 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Well, Professor Roy Hinkley, Jr. or as he likes to be called “the Professor” arrived here at Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant to do some experiments on me while I am at work. Since your mom and dad came here to eat, business has picked up considerably. Fiona Brass has also been complaining considerably. “I didn’t come here to work like this. That [curse word] Elly Patterson did this. I just know it. She better invite me to Christmas dinner to make up for this.”

    Anyway, the Professor said that he can do the experiments while I am working, so that is good. It is a little disconcerting though, when he calls me Gilligan and asks why I am not wearing a white hat, a red shirt and sailor pants. I asked him if he could really do the experiment without interfering with my work, and he said, “Trust me Gilligan. After all, when lightning struck you during your bowling tournament, and your stone bowling ball became molecularly attached to your body, and then when I tried to help you, you became invisible, I was still able to fix that. This is a lot less complicated. Don’t worry.” I had no idea what he was talking about, but I went along with him.

    The Professor attached a bamboo Geiger counter to my body and had me eat some radioactive vegetables. I started moving really, really fast. Even with what I would call an enormous lunch crowd, I was able to refill all the glasses and bus tables and give change for people paying bills while still keeping track of all the food cooking in the kitchen. I said to the Professor, “This is great.” I was able to do this all through the lunch hours, and the crowd was no problem. Then the bamboo Geiger counter started going off, and the Professor said I needed to eat this homemade soup he had made to absorb the radioactivity. But I didn’t want to stop, because I was able to get so much done, while I was going super fast. The Professor said, “Gilligan. You are messing up my experiment; just like you did the time you put your ‘lucky’ rabbit's foot in the experimental robot and shorted out the robot just as it reached Hawaii. I can’t count the number of times that I could have left that island, if you hadn’t screwed things up.” He stuck his foot out to trip me, but of course, I saw it in plenty of time and walked around him, ran right into a wall and bumped my head. For some reason I suddenly started seeing everything upside down. I told this to the Professor and he said, “You had this problem before. Don’t you remember, Gilligan?” I confessed I didn’t. The Professor gave me an antidote made of keptibora berry extract, but the antidote caused me to start seeing everything in double and then after consuming more juice, I started seeing four of everything. Then I started seeing headhunters. This got me a little panicked. The Professor said, “Don’t worry. Seeing headhunters is a sign that the antidote is working.” After my normal vision returned, I said to the Professor, “Did you learn anything from the experiments?” He said, “Well, Gilligan. The GPS that was implanted in your body does not seem to have changed the effects that radioactive vegetables have on your body. Therefore, it appears that you have still maintained the bisexual status that you had before the GPS sensor. That means you can continue your sex life with both the Skipper and Ginger, and still be the backup gay for Mary Ann.” I thanked the Professor and he just left.

    Those radioactive vegetables were great, I got the whole restaurant thoroughly cleaned from top to bottom in 5 minutes, plus all the food preparation for the dinner crowd has been done. It is so far advanced, that Fiona Brass says she can easily handle the restaurant for a few hours while we go shopping for dresses after you get out of school. She is really a nice woman, your cousin.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    this prof guy sure is unusual, eh? in his e-mail 2 me, he wrote, "I know the party Saturday will be formal, which is sort of a shame, since you look awfully cute in a knotted up little blouse and shorts. Maybe you could bake one of those coconut creme pies you used to make." this confused me, since i've made apple pie, & i've made lots of other pastries cuz of my mom, but i don't think i've ev. made a coconut creme pie. shd i find sum recipes? is this something the prof needs 2 have?


  • At 2:39 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I don’t know about the coconut cream pies. Back on Tuesday, when Brenda Starr was asking me to make up a tropical menu, she specifically said no banana or coconut cream pies for the party. The professor may have some weakness in that area, and Brenda may want him to keep his mind clear for taking out GPS sensors with tropical food. I would have to ask Brenda, but I would guess no pies.

    When do you and Becky get out of school to go shopping? Will Gerald and Duncan be with us for the tuxedoes? I have not heard anything from either of them about the shopping.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard: i just talked 2 becky, ger, an' dunc, & we all can meet u @ the restaurant @ a little after 4. is that ok? dunc thought he & keesha were going 2 have a d8 2morrow nite, but then she wanted 2 go 2 the party. so now dunc is in2 playing.


  • At 3:14 PM, Blogger howard said…


    That sounds good to me. Brenda Starr had recommended 2 of her favourite stores: Neiman Marcus and Macy's. Unfortunately, those stores don’t exist in Milborough or in Toronto either, that I can tell. My opinion is that there are no decent clothing stores in Milborough. Brenda Starr said that price was not an issue. She let me borrow her card, which is unusually sparkly. I think we will go to Price Roman on Queen at Duncan in Toronto, if there’s no problem with you, Becky, Duncan and Gerald taking a road trip. We’ll do a little dress shopping and then pick up some formal wear for the boys, which shouldn’t take long. Brenda wanted standard formal black tuxes for them, so the only real decisions there are cummerbund vs. vest and notched collar vs. curved. I will see you at 4 and we can go in my car, which will hold 5 easily.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    woot! road trip, yay!


  • At 4:44 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i just got a weird email frum that professor guy here it is:

    Dear Ginger,

    Why did you dye your hair? I preferred you as a redhead.

    Sincerely, the Professor

    how come u guyz haven't picked me up yet?


  • At 4:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    we were all gonna meet @ the restaurant! we've been w8ing 4 u! but stay put, we r on our way in howard's car now!

    apes, w/howard, ger, & dunc

  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I know up there in Mtigwaki, you sometimes feel left out of the action here, so I decided to let you know how things are going in our dress-shopping road trip. After a little confusion about where to pick up Becky, we have made it to Price Roman, a very nice dress shop in Toronto. I really was unaware of how much shorter the trip is to Toronto from Milborough, until now. It used to take an hour to drive. We left from Becky’s house about 5 and we got here in no time.

    The trip over was interesting. It’s been awhile since I have seen the dynamic between Gerald, April, Becky and Duncan in a non-performance venue and when Gerald wasn’t drugged up. Becky and Gerald both called shotgun for the front seat, and there was the potential for a little conflict, until April told Gerald she wanted him to sit with her in the back.

    Becky told us the story of her flight to Saskatoon with lots of humorous asides that she left out of her story that she told on this Blog. That was going pretty well until Gerald interrupted and said, “Becky, since you are always performing with us as your back-up band, why don’t we just start 4-Evah back up? We’ll give you lots of space to do your own stuff.” Becky said, “I don’t just perform with you guys. I’ve been doing a couple of solo shows a month at places around town without you, and I have a demo tape in production.” Well, you could have heard a pin drop after she said that. Then April said, “You never mentioned this on my real Blog. I mean I think I remember Jeremy telling me that, but not you. I thought he was just kidding.” So then this caused a whole turmoil between April, Becky and Gerald. Duncan was sitting in the back, just looking around, being quiet and minding his own business. He was the smart one.

    The conversation started to get a little heated, just as we arrived at Price Roman. I said to them, “Lighten up guys. It’s time to stop talking about water that is already under the bridge and get into some major shopping. I have Brenda Starr’s card. She’s paying for one dress each for Becky and April and tuxes for you guys. We’re doing the dresses first. They’re supposed to be formal, and yet tropical.” Then we went inside. Price Roman is a dress shop, so the boys were a little bored until April and Becky started trying on dresses and I gave my opinions on what did or did not work for them. They told me they want to tell you themselves what they found. I will just say that they looked great, and the boys really liked seeing them all dressed up.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok listen i could tell u peeps were pissed w/ me over not talking abt my solo music stuff. but i m btween a rock an' a hard place on that 1. if i talk abt it i know that some peeps here (gerald an' mayb MCDuncy) will get all p.o'ed an' say i'm like bragging an' full of myself an' egotistical an' spoiled an' selfish. if i try 2 b modest an' not talk abt it, tho, u guyz get pissed cuz u feel out of the loop. what m i supposed 2 do?

    well let's try total honesty an' c if the usual becky h8ers can try 2 feel happy 4 me instead of jealous an' calling me names. i have been doing little gigs 2 like singing "o canada" at baseball games an' at this 1 restaurant that has a singer every nite on weekends. also i have gone 2 some coffee houses an' sung w/ some of the bands there a lot of times they r peeps who play guitar ok an' think they can sing but really can't so sometimes they let me sing songs that show off their guitar talent that they can't really sing themselves cuz their singing sucks.

    neway howie takes me 2 a lot of these gigs he is really kewl an' my best bud tied w/ apes. i m sorry if that hurts ur feelings apes but u know that we still have 2 pretend not 2 like each other nemore really hurts me 2 an' its like nobody cares about that i'm just supposed 2 suck it up an' not complain well i m kinda tired of that. an' howie lets me b who i m.

    like i sed i don't wanna start a fite i'm sure ger will b all like "that becky is such a witch w/ a b" but i don't care in fact i think ger hanging out at my house so much has mayb been him buttering me up 2 come back 2 the band. i m surprised i thot he would use this chance 2 bcome the leader but i guess mayb the prozac took the bossy instinct out of him. whatever it doesn't affect me.


  • At 6:21 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I know you're still a little worked up about the car conversation, but you told me you wanted describe your dress to Elizabeth, instead of me doing it. Honestly, I am having a hard time restraining myself in posting the description, because, frankly you look hot, even moreso than the last time we went shopping. What a difference money makes in quality of material.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:32 PM, Anonymous MCDunC said…

    Beckers, I couldnt care less if u play solo 'cos I want 2 do solo gigs 2 an' 4Evah is finished, an' Im ok w/ backing u up 'cos u r good unless u want 2 play that 96.3 crap thats always playing at Dr. P.'s office 'cos that crap makes me mental, but if u r getting paid 4 a gig u shld pay me sumthing 2 back u up. So shoot me some $. I no Brenda Starr paid u 'cos she said so here.

  • At 6:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, becks, until i read that post of yrs i had no idea u felt like u r in such a bind. i want u 2 know i m like totally proud of u & the only reason i got pissy 4 a bit there is cuz we're buds & all & i didn't know u had a secret like that fr. me. i'll talk 2 ger abt chilling on the h8ing & the jellussy.

    howard's rite abt yr dress. it lks totally fabulous.

    mine is really nice 2. it's sort of turquoisy & makes me lk like i have more boobage than i do! howard's a genius w/the fashion!


  • At 6:57 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok first my dress is black a floor-length sheath w/ a train. it has a gold kind of oriental style design embroidered on it. the train is gold also. it is tasteful but formfitting so i look hot but not like a ho.

    second dunc listen i don't know what ur prob is u alwayz get paid 2 play w/ me when i get paid if ur thinking of the freeman gig we didn't get paid 4 that. brenda an' i talked abt the money end of things i don't want 2 discuss the actual figures here cuz she posts here an' i know she doesn't want peeps bragging about her generosity but we r getting paid more then evah 4 this gig. she will pay us separately so u will get ur pay directly frum her.

    don't worry i h8 96.3 2. that's y i switched dentists 2 the morsel he playz all my fave bands like chunx.


  • At 7:12 PM, Blogger howard said…


    As you can tell from Becky and April's dress descriptions, we opted not to go for tropical. There simply were no formal dresses that had that look without being too Carmen Miranda.

    We have just finished in the men's formal wear store for the tuxedoes. Gerald and Duncan look nice, although they were clearly uncomfortable trying them on in front of the girls. I think the fact that Becky and April were making sort of leering comments to them as they put on each tux, sort of embarrassed them. I think the phrase they used was “Shake those “cum-er-buns baby.”

    April in particular was all around Gerald checking the “fit” of his clothes. Duncan and Becky were laughing at her and saying, “Just get a room, April.” And April got defensive and said, “He can use the tux for the school formal dance. It’s got to fit right, so we can dance that ballroom stuff he likes.” Then Becky was saying, “Sure. Dancing. I believe you. Just like I caught you ‘dancing’ together at the grad.” Then Duncan and Becky laughed some more. This time April was a little embarrassed.

    Whatever squabbles they were having before seem to be over. Since we are in Toronto, Duncan wants us to go to this new Bajan food restaurant they have here. Gerald wanted to go to Tim Hortons instead, but Duncan said that he goes to Tim Hortons all the time and there are no Bajan food restaurants in Milborough. Me personally, I want to see if there is anything I like on their menu that I can steal for the Mayes restaurant. That way I might be able to attract Duncan’s family and his relatives for regular dining and car repair.

    By the way, Duncan and Gerald said they would post the description of their tuxedoes for you. Or actually Becky and April are pressuring them to. We'll see what actually gets posted.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:51 PM, Blogger howard said…


    The Bajan restaurant was interesting. The food was served family style, which means we all got to share the same dishes. We got the dinner for 5, which had:

    A range of salads including
    Pickled Cucumber and The Plantation Garden Salad

    Hot Entrees
    Flying Fish Stuffed with bajan herbs
    Baked Supreme Chicken
    Beef Tropical
    Creole Fish

    Hot sides
    Bajan Macaroni Cheese
    Deos Peas & Rice
    Okras Vernice
    Fried Plantain
    Fried Cod Fish Cakes

    Rositas Cassava Pone
    Bajan Bread Pudding

    Duncan was really picky about the food. “The creole sauce is not spicy enough. This plantain is overcooked. This bread pudding is too dry.” I don’t think the rest of the group agreed with Duncan about the creole sauce. Gerald was drinking a lot of cold tea after he tried just one bite of the Creole fish. I just took note of the things that Duncan liked, so that I could duplicate them for the Mayes restaurant.

    Aside from trying the food, there was a band there called Plantation Roots & Rhythms and a dance floor. Duncan grabbed Becky up to dance West Indian style and they really got into it. It was the most intensity I have ever seen from Duncan. April also took Gerald up for a few dances, but he was clearly uncomfortable doing anything but ballroom and they sat down after just a few numbers. So Duncan danced with April, after he tired Becky out. Becky kept on saying that Duncan was a really cube dancer and how she wanted to work with him to put some Barbados-style numbers into her act. She wouldn’t talk about anything else.

    After Duncan tired out April, he took Becky back up to dance. While they were dancing Gerald and April started talking really intensely to each other and motioning up to Duncan and Becky. I couldn’t hear a word they were saying, the music was so loud, but I figured it was a private conversation and I shouldn’t butt in. There were a lot of cute guys that I wanted to ask to dance, but it didn’t seem to be that kind of place. So, I pretty much sat out and enjoyed the music, which was nice in a sort of rustic, raw kind of way.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    what a time we've been having! i'm embarrassed abt the whole tux thing w/ger. i cdn't help getting up close while he was trying on stuff cuz he looked so cute in his formalwear & i've nev. seen him dressed that way b4!

    i thot the bajan food was delish, tho dunc really knows his stuff cuz his mom's a way xcellent cook.

    we had so much fun taking turns dancin' w/dunc. ger got a bit sore cuz he was like "apes u looked like u were having a little 2 much fun dancing w/dunc. more than when we did our 'real' dancing @ the grade-8 grad dance." & i was like, "chill, dunc, it's diff dancing & i can't help it if the ballroom stuff just isn't as much fun. it's not like an insult against u!" but he wdn't let it rest 4 a while. then becks kinda told him off after she & dunc got back & helped him get ov. it. thanx, becks.

    we r now on our way 2 becky's garage 2 jam. she's totally in2 this idea of adding some barbados flavour in2 our act.


  • At 8:41 PM, Blogger howard said…


    We are at Becky’s garage now. Wow, Milborough is so close to Toronto. Duncan went to his house and brought over his Toni Norville CDs and the group is working to do a cover of one or two of her songs for tomorrow’s party. Duncan is trying to teach Becky and April the Barbados style. Becky thinks that it will work great with the tropical theme of the party. Gerald is making no effort to disguise his distaste for the music, as the drum beats are really difficult and very much different from the pop style he is used to. It is taking a lot out of April to keep him from blowing up, whenever he messes up. There is also a lot of pressure on him, because this style of music really keys off of the rhythm. And the other thing is that Duncan is really playing up to Becky. I have never seen him so excited. He’s talking about writing up a Barbados-style rap song tonight. I am going to have to take Becky aside and ask her to take it a little easy. Gerald is about to pop.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:58 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Wow guys, I think I'm jealouse! All I've been doing today is grading papers and fending off Jesse. I'm baking some cookies to get him out of my hair....

    Hi EvErY oNes! JeSsAY iS iN dA hAwSe! DaWg! WoOf WoOf WoOF WoOF. LiKe hi! LiZ hAd tA gO cHeCkIn oN dA cOoKies! I hIjAcKeD hEr pUtEr. DoOD hEr cOoKiEs aRe tOtAlLy hOt iF yOu kNoW wHt i mEaN! DooD! APrIl cAn ya TeLl Me HoW tO aGe mYsElF fAsT cUz LIz tHiNks I'm tOo yOuUg fOr hEr! ThAts sO WaCk! An iF i CaN gEt sOmE oF tHaT aGiNig sTuFf fRoM wHeRe yOus lIvE mAyBe I cAn mArRy hEr! WHeRe iS iT tHAt tHe tOuNgE nEeDs tO bE sTuCk sO's tHaT I cAn aGe? TElL mE pReTtY pLeAse sO's I cAn bE yOuR nEw bRoThEr iN lAw! An iF Yous DoNt TelL mE I'm gOnNa HaFtA cUt yOu dAwG!

    SiGnEd ThE CoOl DaWg In Da HoWse,
    MR. JeSsAY!

  • At 11:03 PM, Anonymous mcdunc said…

    Cube nite, guys!

    Man, I wish my family wld move 2 TO so I cld hang w/ other Bajans sumtimes but then Id miss u guys so I dunno.

    Howie said Id mite want 2 talk abt my tux so I will. Its a real tux.

    L8r. I told Keesha Id help her sort her paper clip collection.

    p.s. Beckers, I dont want 2 piss u off but we have 2 deal pro 2 pro now. When we r both famous I dont want the National Enquirer 2 run stories abt r hate 4 each other when we were in hi school.

  • At 12:32 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    dunc i'd be more worried that the enquirer will run a pic of u grabbing my ass on the dance floor an' kissing me like it wuz ur last nite on earth. dude what is up w/ u 2nite? usually u act like u hate me an' then we go dance an' ur all over me like a cheap suit. don't get me wrong it wuz kinda hot but i m not sure what's up cuz lately u mostly act like u hate me.

    so what's the deal dunc?


  • At 1:42 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Oh my god. I examined all the capitalized letters from where Jesse hijacked your computer. I noticed that they were capitalized every 2nd or 3rd letter. I converted the 2nd letter skips to dots and the 3rd letter skips to dashes and found that there was a message in Morse code that went like this: Mtigwaki blankets for sale - cheap.

    I am nervous for you Elizabeth. Please be careful.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:03 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Sorry to send a message to you so late, but I just received a frantic call this evening from my uncle and aunt. They were just heading off to bed when they heard a very disturbing conversation between their 2 upstairs neighbours. They are driving from Toronto to come over to my apartment to sleep tonight. I think I need to give you a little background information.

    You may remember I told you earlier today that my uncle got knocked down by the 2 upstairs ladies on the way to the apartment above Lovey’s apartment in the building connected to theirs. He went back to his apartment in his own building, but the yelling in that other apartment was so loud, that both he and my aunt could hear it in their apartment. It went like this:

    Female upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Are you going to let the women in on this conversation, or would you prefer to make a dumb decision by yourselves?

    Female upstairs neighbour over my aunt and uncle: Yah! After I told you that things are not “cheap” in Toronto, I find you going behind my back to set up this deal. Michael Patterson, if you didn’t get sex before, you are sure not getting sex now!

    Male upstairs neighbour over my aunt and uncle: Actually, I don’t see how that’s much of a threat.

    Female upstairs neighbour over my aunt and uncle: Shut up! Carleen told me how you come over here all the time without me. I am not in the mood for your sense of humour. How could you think that this idea would possibly work?

    Male upstairs neighbour over my aunt and uncle: Yah! It would be fine. My dad and I are reasonable carpenters. We could do a lot of the work!

    Female upstairs neighbour over my aunt and uncle: Are you serious? Putting together choo-choo train displays is not the same as doing home carpentry.

    Female upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Don’t tell me you agreed to this stupid scheme?

    Male upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Yah! I only told him I’d “think” about it! OK?

    Female upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Let me set you straight Josef Weeder. My opinion is your opinion and my opinion is that you don’t go into partnership and buy a place just because you want to get rid of the people downstairs. Now, tell me what your opinion is.

    Male upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Your opinion?

    Female upstairs neighbour over Lovey: Yah! That’s right and don’t you forget it.

    That seemed to settle things down, but then tonight, they overheard their upstairs neighbours having another conversation. It went like this:

    Female upstairs neighbour: Weed and Carleen are right, Michael. You don’t go into partnership and buy a place just because you want to get rid of the people downstairs.

    Male upstairs neighbour: I guess. (And then in a whisper to himself) that’s what Carleen made Weed agree to. Hmm! Let me see if I can freak her out. (In a normal voice) It’s just that I imagined the joy of showing them the bill of sale…and then, taking a jackhammer to the basement. And, how sweet it would be to “accidentally” keep shutting off their hot water…and to refinish their flooring with a varnish that smelled like “feet.” (And then in a whisper to himself) That should do it.

    Female upstairs neighbour: Mmm. (And then in a whisper to herself) Those are pretty good ideas. Why didn’t I think of them? I guess that’s reason why I married Mike. He’s an idea man.

    Male upstairs neighbour: (In a normal voice) I guess I really do live in a fantasy world, Deanna.

    Female upstairs neighbour: (In a normal voice) Yes, you do…and I love being along for the ride! Why don’t we do some of those things you suggested? I just happen to have a jackhammer in the closet and I know where the hot water cutoff valve is and I know a place where you can get rotten varnish late at night. The kids are already in bed asleep. Let’s have some real fun tonight, and not go through our usual boring ritual of me refusing to have sex with you and then you going off to the attic to “write.”

    Male upstairs neighbour: I guess. (And then in a whisper to himself) that didn’t have quite the effect I was hoping for. (In a normal voice) Can we have sex afterwards?

    Female upstairs neighbour: If we do all those things, I don’t think I would be able to stop myself from ravishing your body.

    Male upstairs neighbour: Whoo hoo! Let’s go. (And then in a whisper to himself) Why didn’t I think of doing this before?

    That’s what scared my uncle and aunt. They just arrived here. April, I don’t know what’s going on with your brother and sister-in-law, but I would be really careful around them. OK?

    Howard Kelpfroth


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