April's Real Blog

Thursday, October 20, 2005

What R U on about now, Mike?

Last nite, I answered the phone. Y do I do that? Well, it was Mike blathering on & on abt a convo he had w/Weed, trying 2 convince him 2 pool their $ 2gether 2 buy Lovey Saltzman's 2 houses & B co-landlords. He sez they can live in the upstairz apts & rent the downstairs & "the investment pays 4 itself." Mike told me Weed was all, "These places R falling apart! The basements R damp, the wiring is ancient--repairs alone would cost us a 4tune!" Mike sed his big comeback was, "But Weed! These R 'heritage houses'!" & Weed was, like, "exactly!" I guess that's supposta B a comment abt the cost, but I just wasn't following, & I was like, "Heritage houses? What do U mean by that?" & while I had him on the phone, I Googled the phrase. I got all these tourism sites, and this one from Ireland sez, "Heritage houses are private country houses of historic interest offering high-class accommodation." I read that 2 Mike & sed "No way R those buildings private country houses of historic interest offering high-class accommodation, so WTF gives?" He gasped & told me 2 put Mom on the phone. So I did & went 2 my room. I was really 2 busy worrying abt Becky 2 wanna bother with Mike's delusions, NEway. If U've been following yesterday's comments, U know she & her Mom R somewhere outside of Ontario w/some1 Becks is afraid 2 name. She sez she was kidnapped @ 3 AM yesterday, peeps! I'm way worried!

Well, Dunc, Ger, & I R planning 2 have a meeting betw classes 2 figure out what we shd do!

Apes

29 Comments:

  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    guess what? the web designer stephanie, who helps my mom w/her website, is @ my school 2day consulting w/our computer teachers. so i grabbed her by the arm & i was like, "steph! i totally need yr help!" & she was all, "april! i'm always happy to help! thank you for taking the time to ask me!" so i'm like, "uh, rite. neway, my friend becky. . . ." & i looked around 2 make sure no1 cd listen in, & also whispered 2 b xtra sure. "becky's in a bind. i can't go in2 deets, but she's been taken somewhere & she doesn't ev know where she is! we've gotta track her w/the gps device!" @ 1st steph was like "what gps device?" then when i made it obvs i know all abt it, she was all, "u r not licenced 2 use those devices. u can contact my licencing office 4 further assistance." i'm like, "steph! my friend cd b in danger! do u want that on yr conscience?" she thought it over, then she was, like, "meet me in the computer lab during lunch, & i'll c what i can do!"

    ardith, i didn't fig u'd ever recommend coffee 4 a 3yo. so whack! i don't know abt the hell's angels thing tho.

    apes

     
  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok listen apes don't try 2 track us down u r just gonna get us in more trub then we r alreadee in.

    i m gonna spill the beans so u don't do nething 2 make the sitch worse. as u know my mom an' dad have been talking on the fone since he went on the lam. well i guess they started flirting an' 1 thing led 2 another an' he wuz the guy i overheard her talking dirty 2 1 nite. well late on tues nite dad showed up at r house. i wuz watching the daily show when mom an' dad went in2 the bedroom they didn't think i noticed but it's hard not 2 notice when mom is screaming "oh yes, thorvald, yes yes yes!" at the top of her lungs. dad wuz like growling an' roaring an' stuff. totally gross but i wuz kinda psyched mayb mom an' dad would get 2gether again.

    well i finally just went 2 bed figuring they fell asleep. but at 3 am mom woke me up an' goes "get dressed we're going on a little trip" she alreadee had my bag packed! i barely had time 2 grab my fone b4 we were driving off in aunt arlene's car.

    mom an' dad r talking about moving 2 somewhere real remote up north an' starting r lives over where dad can use a alias an' we can b a fam again. but yesterday in the car they were alreadee having the same old arguments again. dad wuz like "where we're going there's even a chapter of my old biker gang." mom got mad an' wuz like "i thought u were gonna spend more time w/ us as a fam" an' dad wuz all like "woman ur crowding me" an' mom wuz like "u haven't changed at all!" an' dad wuz like "neither have u!" an' mom totally lunged at him an' i had 2 get btween them b4 they crashed the car.

    now dad is talking about how the ez money is in armed robbery. mom is just so ticked she's like "that's not steady work. u promised 2 get a regular job" an' dad's like "woman u r taking all the fun out of being on the lam." i think we mite b coming home soon. at least mom an' me.

    neway don't freak 2 much. i will prob c u soon.

    becks

     
  • At 10:07 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am worried about Becky now. I thought she was on vacation. Please let me know what you find out from Stephanie.

    I called Brenda Starr to let her know that she might need to find new entertainment for her party, unless you and Gerald can handle it without Becky or Duncan. Let her know what you decide about that. She still wants people to come to get those unhealthy GPS sensors out of their body and I have already agreed to cater, so I will be there.

    I talked to the cute guy Krystle hired to run Krystle’s Kakes and Pies in her absence, and he seemed unconcerned about me managing the place. I will just stop over occasionally when things are slow at the Mayes restaurant and also after the Mayes restaurant closes. I really cannot manage both places at once.

    My aunt Winnie overheard a conversation today that might help explain your conversation with your brother. One of the people who live upstairs of Lovey and Morrie Saltzman, came over to talk to her upstairs neighbour. The conversation went something like this:

    Over Lovey neighbour: Dee. I am so excited. Your husband was just over in our apartment trying to talk my Weed into going in with him to buy our two houses from Lovey. Weed is concerned the repairs will be really expensive, because, as you know, the place in which we are living is falling apart, since it’s a Heritage House. But if Weed agrees, then we will be living right next to each other for a long time to come.

    Over my aunt neighbour: What!? He’s doing that without consulting me?! I’m one-half of the marriage you know. Besides the phrase is “Heritage Home” not “Heritage House.” Why would we even live in a place that was falling apart like that?

    Over Lovey neighbour: I don’t know.

    Over my aunt neighbour’s child: Where’s the coffee mommy?

    Over my aunt neighbour: There’s a pot brewing on the stove by the pot with the boiling carrots. Step on a chair to get it.

    Over Lovey neighbour: Why should your Mike consult you, Dee? Your husband almost always comes over to our apartment without you.

    Over my aunt neighbour: What!? He visits you guys without bringing me?!

    Over Lovey neighbour: All the time. He says that since the closet is yours and you only give him access, and since he has to put the seat down on the toilet and change the sheets on the bed that is no longer his for the rest of his life, because of you; so he figures it’s only fair.

    Over my aunt neighbour: What!? He thinks the closet, the toilet, and the sheets are mine, but you guys are his? How could he think those things about me?

    Over my aunt neighbour’s child: I drank all the coffee. Do we have any more coffee mommy?

    Over my aunt neighbour: What!? You didn’t save me a cup? No coffee for you. (child crying noises)

    Over Lovey neighbour: I thought you would be excited like me. Now we can be next-door-neighbours and raise our kids together.

    Over my aunt neighbour: Of course I want that, but we have no money. When my Mike said that to your Weed, what he was really saying is that he wants Weed to pay for it all.

    Over Lovey neighbour: What!? You have no money? I thought you were a full-time pharmacist and Mike was a big-time magazine editor and he had all this freelance work. How could you have no money? And why are you trying to talk Mike into quitting his Portrait job, if you have no money?

    Over my aunt neighbour: You don’t see the irony in it, Carleen. I don’t want him to die in order to make a living. Mike is drowning in his work.

    Over Lovey neighbour: What!? That doesn’t make any sense. Irony is not the word I would use. Idiotic perhaps. Mike isn’t drowning in work. He comes over to our place all the time and if he is drowning, it’s when I serve him wine and coffee.

    Over my aunt neighbour’s child: Can I come to your place for coffee, aunt Carleen? I promise I won’t drink the last cup.

    Over my aunt neighbour’s smaller child: Gah-ee. Gah-ee. Gah-ee.

    Over my aunt neighbour: What?! How could you say that I am idiotic? I am just trying to help my husband. (Sobbing noises)

    Over Lovey neighbour: Oh Dee. I am so sorry. It’s our first fight … and it’s all because of them.

    Over my aunt neighbour: What?! My kids!?

    Over Lovey neighbour: No. Mike and Weed.

    Both neighbours: Men! (Hugging and giggling noises)

    Over my aunt neighbour’s child: Aunt Carleen. Coffee, please?

    That’s all my aunt heard. I hope it makes sense to you.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 10:12 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, becks, sorry if i went ovr the top w/freakin' out, but i was so scared 4 u! i will tell steph nev. mind. i hope u come back soon. jeremy sed something abt mayB being our backup keybd player 4 the brenda starr party if u don't get back in time, but i totally hope u will b back.

    apes

     
  • At 10:19 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, looks like we were posting @ the same time. wow, carleen soundz more sensible than the rest of 'em. poor merrie, she's more addicted 2 caffeine than i am. where's my thermos? oh, here it is, kewl! neway, it soundz like becky shd b ok. i just hope her mom decides 2 bring her back soon!

    apes

     
  • At 11:03 AM, Anonymous The Ghost Who Walks said…

    Mr. Kelpfroth,

    It has come to our attention that a friend of yours is in trouble. We have locked on to the frequency of her orally placed GPS device. Say the word and she will be retrieved and brought back to where she belongs forthwith.

    Thank you

     
  • At 12:20 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    I got a call from Mom last night. She was all excited. She was talking about Mike purchasing Lovey Saltzman's building. She said, "Just imagine how nice it will be. They can kick out those nasty Kelpfroths. Then you'll have a place to live when you marry Anthony." "I'm not marrying Anthony," I responded. "Well Anthony will have a place to live when he leaves Therese." she said, sounding all pushed out of shape. "And there are enough apartments that when Mr. Right finds you, then when the two of you get married you can move in next door to Anthony and be with Mike and help take care of his children and teach and have little babies of your own. You know I would want you closer, but it's better than Mtig. Even though those Native People are really noble and good and wise. I think they have been a good infulence on you except you're still single. When are you going to get married Liz and make me a grandma?" Finally, being able to get a word in edgewise I responded with, "You're already a grandma." Yeah not too witty I know. She went on to complain about how Dee is letting Merrie become a caffeine junky and how, "Merrie's growth is going to be stunted. And plus she's going to end up being a roadside gig just like Becky if Dee doesn't do something with that girl's hair. I've only seen it put up once and that was at her birthday."

    Gotta love Mom.

     
  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ugh, mom! once she gets an idea in her head, she holds on like a pitbull! y doesn't she get the idea that u r far away on purpose?

    "ghost," it soundz like becky's afraid tracking her wd make thingz worse. & also she seemz 2 think her mom will prob bring her home neway, so let's w8 until we hear fr her again b4 we do nething xtreme!

    apes

     
  • At 1:05 PM, Blogger howard said…

    The Ghost Who Walks,

    Thanks for your offer to retrieve Becky, but she and her family have some things to work through without interference. If you could verify that she is not in any physical danger, that would be appreciated. Oh, and are you responsible for this tattoo I have with the four overlapping swords, with letter P's forming a rotating cross?

    Curious,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 2:43 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becks. apeface iz totally taking ovah ur gig @brenda starr, if u don't get back frum where ur. thass bcm 4u. i sed i wud do keybd, to keep ur name on it. pleez come back. i don’t wanna wear a tux.

     
  • At 2:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    bcm? what's bcm?

    wow, jeremy, i don't know y u r lashing out @ me like this, saying i'm taking ovr. it's like u wanna stir up the shizzit betw me & becks. u were the 1 who grabbed me betw classes & u were all, "apes! we've gotta not lose that gig cuz it's so imp 2 becky! if she can't get back in time, i'll do keybds, u & dunc can share the vokes." & i've been trying 2 b reassuring 2 u since u r obvs worried abt becks, & so am i! so i've just been trying 2 b, like, don't worry, jeremy, if 4 sum reason becks can't b back in time (& i totally hope u r, becks), then i'll handle it & it'll b ok. that's all.

    apes

     
  • At 3:13 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well there's no point in retrieving me cuz i alreadee got retrieved by the mounties. here's what happened.

    we pull in2 saskatoon cuz mom needed 2 make a pit stop an' dad is all like "woman u r really hampering r progress when i ride w/ the boyz we can cover a thousand miles a day." an' mom goes "well i m not 1 of ur manly buddies" an' dad goes "don't think i haven't noticed" an' mom goes "what's that mean?" an' dad goes "let's just say there's a lot less yap and a lot more action when i'm snuggled up with a nice cuddly bear." that confused me cuz how do u get action frum a teddy bear but then dad sighs an' goes "what i wouldn't give 2 b going down the hershey hiway rite now instead of on this boring ass road 2 nowhere with u." an' i go "well we could go 2 pennsylvania if u want dad" an' mom's like "shut up becky."

    neway we stop an' mom gets out 2 go in2 a restaurant 2 use the bathroom an' get some food. truth b told mom is on the rag an' hard 2 cope with i think she went in for a hot fudge sunday an' a batch of fries. normally i would go w/ her but dad wuz like "r u up 4 a father/daughter adventure?" i'm like kewl so dad takes me in this big fancy building at first i thought it wuz a library but it wuz a bank. so we go in2 the lobby an' suddenly dad shoves a gun at me an' goes "u r the lookout u need 2 warn me if ne cops r on their way in. more important make sure ur mom doesn't c this." an' i'm all like "no way dad!" an' he's all like "u'll never get in2 'satan's guards' w/ that attitude" an' i'm all like "dad they don't even take women members!" an' dad's like "well then u won't get a husband frum 1 of the really good gangs i'm a bandido which is no slouch but u r pretty u could get a hell's angel 4 sure." an' i'm like "dad i don't want 2 live a life of organized crime!" an' he goes "trust me becky a life of disorganized crime pretty much sucks" an' i'm like "dad, how come u can't just go home an' run the milboro historical society again u were good at it!" an' dad sighs an' we sit down on a bench in the lobby an' he explained things 2 me.

    he twirled his gun on his finger as he told me "listen becky u r getting 2 b a woman now an' howard tells me u have learned all about the 'milboro back up gay protection plan'" an' i'm like "yeah dad" an' dad's like "well i wuz ur mom's back up gay guy after her first fiance died of extreme old age he wuz a straight guy named roger good guy but she should of married him rite away after high school but ur mom wanted 2 live it up in her 20s an' they put off getting married, an' roger died of old age. he wuz 29." then dad got all disgusted an' wuz like "i don't know what that fool woman wuz thinking every1 knows if u don't marry ur straight boyfriend rite off the aging accelerates an' they wither up an' die real fast."

    then he sez "i met ur mom when the bandidos had a rally in milboro an' ur mom came looking 4 a man. well she tried 2 get with some of the straight guyz but they didn't want 2 settle down so she lured me back 2 her place an' put her tongue in that special place an' suddenly i got all docile an' interested in women an' having babies an' boring jobs like being a historian. then we had u which wuz kewl, but then ur mom an' i broke up an' she had me sent 2 jail an' guess what that tongue thing wears off if u go back 2 having hardcore sex w/ men 24/7."

    well i wuz about to yell at dad when some mounties came in the lobby i guess the teller saw dad twirling his gun an' called them.

    so mom an' i r flying back 2 toronto 2nite i'm not going 2 school in the morning i'm 2 tired but i will do the party this weekend. looks like dad mite b in saskatoon 4 awhile. it wuz kinda funny when dad got arrested he almost looked happy he yelled out "look out boys, here i come!"

    i'm just glad this is all over.

     
  • At 3:29 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becks. tgio & ur coming back. i’m trying 2b cube w/apeface, but it's not ez. she’z all “ur lashing out @ me” & “u wanna stir up the shizzit betw me & becks” & “what's bcm?”, when all i wuz tryin' 2 do wuz tell u 2 come back so i don’t hafta wear a tux. apeface, if ur reading this, bcm = bad career move, which iz wut happens when u miss doin’ a gig w/a celeb like brenda starr.

     
  • At 4:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i m soooooo glad u r coming back 2nite & that u r ok. wow, what a crazee adventure u've had, & it was prolly total tmi fr. yr dad, eh?

    sorry if i overreacted, jeremy. i just didn't know y u were saying that abt me taking ov. when i was just trying 2 help & all.

    apes

     
  • At 4:11 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april. no need 2 say sorry atc w/our histry. ur cube.

     
  • At 4:15 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Your dad wanted you to commit a bank robbery with him? I know he wanted to go back to jail, but I never thought he would involve you in that. I am quite shocked by this news. Actually, I got really mad when I read that and had a little blackout. When I woke up I found I had broken my folding chair that I was sitting in. I am going to have to buy a replacement for the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant. It’s quite embarrassing. I’m glad no one was around to see that. Anyway, if I ever see your dad again, we are definitely going to have some words about this. Just words, though, so don’t worry about that.

    I am however glad that your dad finally told you the story about the nature of his relationship with your mother. I heard that story when we were in jail together, but Thorvald swore me to secrecy. He said that when you heard the story it should come from him and I think he was right about that. It’s been hard keeping that secret from my bud. I am so glad my bud is OK and I can’t wait for you to get back. I have really been looking forward to shopping with you and April for the Brenda Starr party.

    By the by, tell your mother I have been checking up on Krystle’s Kakes and Pies, when it has been slow here. The new cute guy she hired seems to be doing fine.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 4:38 PM, Anonymous The Ghost Who Walks said…

    Howard,

    Your tattoo signifies that you are under my protection.

    We would have protected Becky for you. Had her father continued his bank robbing plot, we would have foiled it. We were poised for action. As it were, we just followed Becky and her mother home to make sure they arrived safely.


    Thank you

     
  • At 4:49 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Ghost Who Walks,

    Thank you ever so much for making sure that Becky did not get into any trouble. The tattoo is really nice too. It looks good when I wear my strapless dresses. If there is anything I can do for you, just let me know.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 4:58 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Howard Dearest,

    I am so relieved that Becky has returned safe and sound and will be able to perform at my party on Saturday.

    Again, I am sorry for my absence. I have been stuck at the paper talking to a chef. He may be at the party Howard. Don't let him sell you anything. I will be returning this evening, I'll stop by your house later and we can....err...talk. I'll show you where The Ghost Who Walks left my tattoo.

    The Professor asked if he could run a few more tests on you while he's here. He'll arrive on Friday afternoon and I want you to myself before he tests you. That is if you are willing to submit to more testing. Please don't be alarmed, but he's started calling you Gilligan. I've corrected him a few times, but as he calls me Ginger, I realize that's just how The Professor is.

    And speaking of The Professor, he is worried about meeting any women named Lovey. He's extremely paranoid. Says every woman named Lovey he's ever met has been a royal pain in the behind. Unfortunately, Lovey will be at my party. Please everyone, refer to her as Ms. Saltzman while in the presence of The Professor.

    Loves and kisses <3 <3
    Brenda

     
  • At 6:37 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Brenda,

    Oh my god, I have missed you so much. I have been writing down the times that Tracey and Gordon have been coming in and out of the garage all week. Plus I have made a list of the members of their “family” for you. I’ll have them all ready for you when you stop by my apartment later. I can’t wait to see your tattoo. I will gladly submit to more testing from the Professor. Of course, after an evening with you, he could probably do anything to me or call me anything he wanted and I wouldn’t care. Oh, and not to be particular, but I believe that Lovey Saltzman prefers to be referred to as Mrs. and not Ms.

    Your dearest,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 7:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard & becky,

    when shd we shop 4 our clothes 4 the party? 2morrow afternoon? saturday i need 2 arrange that "accidental" mtg betw my 'rents & the professor. i got a weird e-mail fr. him where he asked if it's ok if he calls me mary ann. hm.

    apes

     
  • At 8:04 PM, Anonymous mike patttrson said…

    gretings jentle green jiants

    mike patttterson here. please xcuse my tpying the doctor jsut incraesed my dosssage bcaus dee wuz worrid abut my outbrust last week. he siad i shuld be back to normal nad rite as rian and by golly he wuz rite. i cant even understnd anythnig i rote last week. their are soooo many big wrods. and i dont no whos been hacking into my cmputre and psting my stries on this site but yuo need to just stop it and like rite now or ill rite a sotry abut you in the clairon. thtas privte proprty. plus its all not true. i mean if i wuld rite stuff like that abut star trek id rite abut wesley crusher. playing chess. hes so strong and hansome. allot of gay peeple like him cuz hes reelly reely cute. just ask howard. rite howard?

    so todya i told dee thta we culd prolly buy loveys house. she said she didnt think so that it woudl cosst to moch to do. i said look dee dreems are free. she siad somethnig abut wishing she wuz. i siad wut did u say? she said nothing, eat up. we were eting dinner at the tiem. i fond out wot spice dees been using in her cooking now. its called saltpeter. i dont no why they call it that it doesnt taste anythng like salt or a

    i shuld go.

    luv
    mike pattterson

     
  • At 8:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm not sure, mike, but i think that saltpeter stuff is supposta kill yr sexual desire.

    apes

     
  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am supposed to be tested by the Professor tomorrow afternoon, so maybe we could go shopping after he completes his tests, assuming, of course, that I am in a coherent enough mental state after the tests.

    I saw your brother’s note, where he mentioned Wesley Crusher. I prefer a Worf kind of man. Wil Wheaton. Brr! I always found him a little creepy. However, your brother is right that a lot of gay people like Wil Wheaton because he took a very active stand for same sex marriages in the States. I am not sure why your sister-in-law would be putting saltpeter into your brother’s food. It has a reputation for diminishing the male sex drive when ingested, although this is not backed by scientific evidence. There is also a hoodoo legend that using saltpeter is a method to keep your mate faithful. Since your sister-in-law is a pharmacist, I am sure she is aware these are just stories, and is using it as a food preservative only.

    Speaking of food, your mom and dad stopped into the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant for dinner tonight and became my first ever paying customers. I was so excited. I had been feeding members of the “family” or persons claiming to be members of the “family” all week for free, and wondered if this day would ever happen and it did.

    When your mom saw me she said, “Roberta” with a really cool voice. So, I said, “Mrs. P. Are you angry with me about something?” She said, “You brought that awful Brenda Starr to my Thanksgiving dinner and then I found out the reason why the quality of my pastries has fallen off is that you are here instead of at Krystle’s. I don’t know what went wrong with my GPS tracking system. I have had Stephanie working on it since last week. She thinks you may have tampered with it. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.” I said, “We have fresh-baked pies on the menu.” She said, “You’re forgiven Roberta.”

    Then your dad said, “Why are you calling him, Roberta? That’s not his name.” Your mom said, “That’s her stage name and it’s a she.” Your dad said, “No, it’s obviously a male. Look at that short hair.” Your mom said, “That’s a very tight bun. I can’t expect you know anything about proper hair. After all, you hardly know how to load a dishwasher.” Your dad was a little quiet after that and I showed them to their table.

    Anyway, as your mom and dad were eating and I was refilling your mom’s cup with more latte with skim milk, I overheard their conversation. It went something like this:

    Elly: Oh, John. I think Mike may purchase Lovey Saltzman's building and become a landlord. Then he can kick out those nasty Kelpfroths.

    John: I don’t know if the Tenant Protection Act will allow that to happen. Just because he’s the new land-“lord”, it doesn’t give him the right to overthrow the serfs.

    Elly: (Sigh). I think that this is just the right move for Michael. With that extra space, there will be a place for Liz to live when she marries either Anthony or that nice native policeman with whom I “accidentally” left my sunglasses.

    John: (Sigh). Anthony is already married. Why do you go on and on about Liz being single? After all, you are already a time-share.

    Elly: Why am I a time-share?

    John: Because time is the only thing you share with your grandkids.

    Elly: (Sigh) John, I think we need to discuss how much we are going to “help” Michael when he comes to ask us for the down payment to the house.

    John: Help? Michael is 29 years old. Both he and Deanna work full-time jobs. Why should we help? After all, Michael is really into techno funk.

    Elly: Techno funk?

    John: Yes. Because he “takes no funds” from me.

    Elly: (Sigh) I don’t know why I bother talking to you sometimes. I thank the stars that he found Deanna. Not only is she an excellent mom and supportive wife, she has a profession that could sustain the family should a drought befall them.

    John: I would like a draught to befall me. Howard, could you bring me another beer? (I did)

    Elly: I suspect that Michael will have to leave his job at the magazine in order to devote his time to writing his own material. This idea will have to come to him...on his own!

    John: (Snorting) On his own? Mike hasn’t had an original idea in years. Even that extremely funny column in the Clarion Weekly he wrote about his neighbours, he told us the idea came from Josef Weeder. And you know what they say about idea givers?

    Elly: What do they say?

    John: If an idea giver gives an idea to another, they may demand the idea back.

    Elly: (Sigh) John, I don’t know why you don’t want to give money to Michael. After all we invested in this place. If it weren’t for our investment, this restaurant would not exist. Besides, it’s important that if Michael needs money, he gets it from us and not those gift-giving Sobinski’s.

    John: (Sigh). Why do you go on and on about the Sobinski’s giving gifts? After all, there is no way they can match your largesse.

    Elly: Why thank you John.

    John: You have the “largesse” nose of any member of the family.

    Elly: (Sigh) Don’t you want to support our only son in his time of need?

    John: It took Michael 29 years just to learn how to rake leaves, without being asked…without expecting anything in return…just a kind, considerate gesture. He’s got a long way to go yet before we get him into a house that’s not ours. I am going to have to sink about it.

    Elly: You mean “think” about it.

    John: No. I need to “sink” about whether we are going to “sink” into our savings to give him that down payment.

    Elly: (Sigh) Roberta, I “sink” I need a lot of pie now.

    That was the conversation as I remember it. I hope you find it interesting.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 8:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    erg. ok, i admit i had to lol @ the time-share thing, but the rest of my dad's lines? groan! sorry u had 2 hear all that, howard. rn't u glad u don't live w/them?

    apes

     
  • At 9:04 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Compared to some of the jokes my dad used to tell around the dinner table, your dad's are entirely more pleasant, even if they are groan-inducing. I empathize with you, April, but I would trade my teenage years with yours in an instant.

    Sorry,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 11:41 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…

    hi April,

    glad you liked the doll! sorry i didn't post sooner, our history teach assigned a huge research paper and i've been super busy ever since. also my bro has been going on an' on abt his lunch w/his crush, Toni, in xtreme mtigwillywonka slo-mo. it seems like he's been talking abt it for 3 weeks, at least. i keep waiting for him to get to the part where he explains how he got beat up, again.

    i was in yr mom's bookstore yesterday getting some cliff's notes on julius caesar and the strangest thing happened. 1st, there was this lady in there who looked like her stylist cuts her hair around a bowl. she had these absolutely enormous collagen lips, too. she should sue her plastic surgeon!

    she wuz talking to yr mom abt buying sumthing called a heritage house(?). while she was doing that, this little girl comes over and starts tugging on your mom's pant leg and says 'mewwy want toy!' and pointing to the stuffed Hedwig dolls. yr mom says, 'no toys, Merrie, Grandma spends time with you, a greater gift than any other Grandma could ever give!' and turns back to the bowl-hair, giant-lip lady. then the little girl opens her play purse and pulls out this swiss army knife, and says 'mean ol' lady! stabby-wabby! stabby-wabby!' and starts jabbing at yr mom! i was all freaked out, but Bad Hair-Big Lips just says 'she's so clever!' an' yr mom didn't even notice cuz she wuz walking away to get a danish from the back rm. who lets their kid run around with a swiss army knife?

    Becky, I'm glad to hear u r ok!

    Luann

     
  • At 11:56 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I just called my aunt and uncle and told them to give your niece anything she asks for and to watch out for the Swiss army knife.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 8:48 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, luann! that was my sil & my lil niece, merrie. i will work on getting that knife away fr. her b4 she hurts some1!

    man, luann, i totally sympathize abt yr having 2 hear abt yr bro & his crush. what is it w/these long, long storiez we hafta hear in our fams?

    howard, yeah, i guess i shdn't complain so much abt my fam when it cd b way worse.

    apes

     

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