April's Real Blog

Monday, October 24, 2005

Teacher Freak-Out?

I got a frantic e-mail fr Liz, sent last night:

I'm so frazzled! I've got a curriculum to follow for five grades--and I'm running out of ideas! They're all different ages. They're all at different levels of understanding...How do I hold the interest of these kids? If I don't get a good lesson plan ready for tomorrow, I'm going to freak out in front of the whole class! That would hold their interest!


P.S. Could you send me some more of that super-strong espresso coffee you use?
Poor Lizzie! I can't imagine doing all that 4 just 1 grade level, let alone 5! & it must B xtra scary 2 run out of ideas this early in the term. Liz, I heard 1 of my teachers telling another that when she gets really desperate for ideas, she does Google searches, & usually she finds stuff she can use. MayB U shd try that. & meanwhile, if NE1 out there has gd ideas U can share w/Liz, cd U post them here? Thanx!

So Gramps doggie-napped Dixie again yesterday, & now his Dixie privs R suspended until Xmas! Gramps, chill if U wanna have doggie visitation B4 Easter, K?

Apes out


  • At 9:03 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes. I dont think Ill B in school 2day 'cos I dont want 2 C Beckers or Keesha an' then think abt my mom an' the plantain. Im going 2 the library 2 take out sum Gregorian chant CDs. L8r.

    p.s. Beckers, I dont h8 u.

  • At 9:36 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc! mayB it's not such a gd idea 4 u 2 miss more school. i don't want u 2 flunk yr grade 9!


  • At 9:43 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Elizabeth could perhaps do a lesson on the dangers of drinking too much coffee. I had an interesting conversation with my aunt Winnie this morning. She heard a knock on her door and saw the little girl who lives upstairs from her standing there with a coffee cup. The little girl said, “Coffee! I need more coffee!!” My aunt was a little taken aback, and while she was stunned the little girl ran into her kitchen and started rifling through their pantry. My aunt said, “What are looking for?” The little girl had found their coffee and then said, “You don’t have Power Blend coffee – The Bean with the Buzz”? My aunt told her no, and also said she would call her parents to come get her. The little girl said, “Mommy an’ daddy have a “how to play with your kid” curril…cyurik…book they use for almos’ five years, but they run out of ideas! I get bigger an’ turn differen’ ages an’ get a differen’ unnerstandin’, but only coffee keeps my innerest. Get me Power Blend coffee for tomorrah, or I’m gonna freak out in fronna you! That hold your innerest?” My aunt agreed to buy some Power Blend coffee before tomorrow, brewed some coffee and filled up the little girl’s cup a few times in order to coax her to leave. My aunt is now more afraid of the little girl than the crazy wife and lunatic husband that live upstairs from them. I don’t know how much longer they will continue to stay there in their apartment, before finding another place to live.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:30 PM, Anonymous anthdad2franmilborough said…


    Please pass on to Liz my hopes that she'll have a successful term with all those little wigwams. She no longer responds to my calls, emails, text messages, blog posts, peer-to-peer com, cameraphone file exchanges, Blackberry scripts, video conferencing, letters (both certified and insured), parcel posts, telegrams, panty-of-the-month club gifts, or blood written on semi-porous bricks.


  • At 3:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, poor merrie soundz totally over-the-top coffee-addicted. i know i'm pretty bad, but i'm 14! merrie's only 3. & it soundz like she's even having trub keeping track of her own age. is that what giving all that coffee 2 a toddler does? scaree!

    anth, liz checks in here on the blog, so she will prob. c yr post, but i think she'll want u 2 remember u r married & u're a dad, 2!


  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    btw, i just got an e-mail fr. sabina khan, the daycare worker who posted on here abt collecting samples fr. merrie & robin not long ago. i'd called her when i heard abt merrie having a swiss army knife, & she just wrote 2 let me know she's taken the knife away. she sez she & the rest of the staff r gonna keep a close(r) eye on merrie & robin.


  • At 6:14 PM, Anonymous ardith narayan said…

    Sorry I didn't get back to you the other day. If Grandpa Jim still needs assistance, I can come over tomorrow morning. Poor Iris, I'm glad she's accepted that they need help. Howard, you seem to know a lot about them-- which approach do you think would work better: grad student collecting oral histories of vets, or slutty 40's taxi dancer? Any advice is appreciated.

    And Anthony, how can you think of leaving your wife? I still haven't heard from my husband, and I don't like this single mother thing. Don't make me hurt you.

  • At 6:38 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Oh, man. I thot this monk deal was going 2 work out. I started 2 lay down sum cube beats 2 the Gregorian chants an' I was rilly starting 2 cook, but then my mom came home fr work early 'cos the school called her @ work Bcos of my "chronic absenteeism." I tried 2 xplain 2 her that I dont need educating 'cos Im going 2 Bcom rich an' famous fr my Gregorian hip hop chant gigs. She rolled her eyes @ me an' said its already been done, an' got out this old tape by this d00d called Enigma. My mom said if I miss NEmore school w/o a doctors note Im going 2 B suspended. An' then she said, u cant B a monk NEway u stoopid boy 'cos r church doesnt even have monks.

    So now I hafta choose Btween hermit an' goat herder. An' Im grounded 4 the rest of the week. Suxs 2 B me 2day. L8r.

  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Ardith Narayan,

    I have never met you, but if you are any kind of a reasonably attractive woman, that is pretty much all it will take with April’s grandfather. At the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace, the staff usually sends their most attractive female staff member to deal with him, and he is putty in her hands. You will just have to put up with the occasional wolf whistle and offer to autograph your pants bottom, with you still in the pants. He is harmless otherwise. Your bigger problem with be with Iris, who will not trust you if you do not dress professionally. She does need the help, but she will want to make sure that you do things her way. She is very particular about the timing of Jim’s food and medication. If I introduce you or April introduces you to Iris and Jim, then things should go well. I can meet you at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace tomorrow morning to do the introductions before I go to work. Let me know, if you are interested.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, man, dunc, u sound like u r getting depressed again. u don't hafta b a hermit or a goat herder. u just feel like those r yr only choices cuz that's the way u think when u r in a funk. i know my thinking goes all wonky when i'm having 1 of mine, so i know how u feel. 2morrow i will try 2 help cheer u up!


  • At 6:50 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Before I introduce Ardith Narayan to your grandparents, I need to know from you if she is a reputable person. I have never met her, but I will trust your opinion.

    Your mom was in here at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant for supper a few minutes ago. She had Moira Kinney and Beatrice Alfarero with her, so I guess you must have been working at your mom’s store in their absence. When I was showing them to their table, Bea turned to me and said, “Moira tells me that you are with Brenda Starr now?” I gulped and said I was. She said with a little choke in her voice, “She’s very famous. I hope you’re happy” and then she sat down. As I took their order, my mind was swirling, because, as you know, Beatrice broke things off with me a number of years ago without explanation.

    Anyway, your mom was all up in arms about how her daughter is in desperate need and she has to get teaching materials to send to her. The conversation went something like this:

    Moira Kinney: Elly, now tell me again why your daughter needs this stuff. Doesn’t the school in which she teaches buy books with which to teach?

    Elly Patterson: Elizabeth does have a curriculum to follow, but she has to come up with her own ideas, because she teaches 5 grades and they’re all at different levels of understanding and she needs something to hold their interest.

    Beatrice Alfarero: Mrs. Patterson. I don’t mean to be rude, but I thought you told us last year that Elizabeth taught 6 grades -- grades 1-4 in the morning and grades 5-6 in the afternoon. Has something changed?

    Elly Patterson: Oh, last November, Elizabeth said in her monthly letter, that she has grades 1-5 without any other word of explanation. Something went on between her and the 6th grade, but I have not been able to pry the information out of her. Now what do we have in Lilliput’s that we can send her?

    Moira Kinney: We have a number of books with teacher’s guides that can accompany the book if it is used as a teaching device. There’s the Search Inside series that covers Biology, Electronics and Reading. We could send those.

    Elly Patterson: No. We need to send Elizabeth some valuable learning. Do we have any books on how not to chew with your mouth open or not to talk on your cell phone in public, or not to blow bubbles with bubble gum in public, or not to yawn in public, or not to dribble your drink in public, or how a proper short dress should include leg warmers and a t-shirt, or how to cook the casserole without burning the butt off, or not buying clothes you can’t wear to school, or how to buy music that doesn’t go “Foomp-Boompa THUD-blat_BOOM!” or how to avoid listening to wilderness radio, or how to deal with hot flashes, or how to avoid seeing movies at the Multimegamax Cinemas and just rent “Gone with the Wind,” or how to properly introduce a strange cat to 2 dogs, or how to deal with an uncomfortable sphincter?

    Beatrice Alfarero: (stunned silence)
    Moira Kinney: (stunned silence)

    Elly Patterson: Well? I just can’t tell Elizabeth to do Google searches, like April suggested. She needs something more substantial from her mother.

    Moira Kinney: You do know that at Lilliput’s, we sell primarily hobby and children’s material? Right?

    Elly Patterson: Yes…and?

    Beatrice Alfarero: I took down all your suggestions, Mrs. Patterson and I know that Moira and I can find something.

    Elly Patterson: That’s excellent Beatrice. I think another coupon for a free massage may be coming your way.

    Beatrice Alfarero: (beaming)
    Moira Kinney: (quietly to Beatrice) Suck up.

    Anyway that’s all the conversation I heard. I hope you find it of interest, and I hope that running the shop by yourself was not too difficult. Let me know about Ardith.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:03 PM, Anonymous ardith narayan said…

    I am still interested, Howard. I'm glad I can dress professionally even if I will be getting sexually harassed every day. I still don't know what I did to drive my husband away, but I will try to make Iris aware that I still love my husband dearly, and want him to return. He was so upset about the second pregnancy...he thinks I did it on purpose, but really I guess I put too much faith in my friend Deanna's birth control advice. As Elly would say "The road to hell is paved with advice from evil career women."

    Anthony I'm sorry for threatening you, but your marriage will never get better until you stop stalking Liz. Send something nice to your wife and give up on Liz. You'll be much happier after you do!

    I have to go change diapers and stuff. See you tomorrow morning, Howard.

  • At 7:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, honestly, i have never met ardith. all i know is that mike an' dee met her in their prenatal classes when dee was pg w/merrie & ardith was pf w/kevin (pron. "keevin" 4 sum reason). & that she's since had a 2nd baby. & she usta be mike an' dee's babysitter. dee has alwayz sed ardith was good w/the kids & she's never sed nething negative abt her.

    u r rite, i had 2 work @ the store while mom had that dinner w/moira & beatrice. it was a pretty slow evening, fortunately. i had sum customers who complained abt the iris shelf w/her "disgusting" picks, but they liked my choices. yay, me.

    tracey mayes stopped by 2 get a couple of books & toys 4 her kids, & she winked @ me & sed i'd b getting a lil "surprise" fr. my back-up gay. i sed, "yay, that's gr8!" she then asked me 2 babysit sat eve cuz she & gordon have a special event 2 go 2. i sed ok.

    iris & gramps stopped in 2 get a picture book abt shelties. gramps sed it was 2 help tide him ovr during his doggie probation. when he was looking thru the pix, he was, like, "hm, i wonder if dixie is actually a mix. she doesn't really look like the shelties in this book." i muttered "she's a sheltie-rat mix", but gramps didn't hear. neway, he bought the book & left, nagging iris 2 stop @ the bakeshop & get cookies.

    marjee stopped in 2 buy sum new hairdo magz 4 the salon. she told me my mom had her bun titened again this morning. yikes.

    i'm sure liz wd find those "educational" materials ma has in mind v. v. helpful. not. thanx 4 the report, howard.


  • At 7:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    "pf w/kevin " shd b "pg w/kevin". oops.


  • At 7:18 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Ardith Narayan,

    I will meet you in the lobby of the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace at 8 am, if that's not too early for you. I have red hair and a receding hairline. How will I recognize you?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, u can c a pic of ardith here. the text is a little outta d8, cuz she's had baby #2 by now.

    in other news, mom clearly h8's me. that's the only reason i can xplain 4 her having steph the web designer post a horrid old pic of me in a ladybug costumer 4 halloween. it's like she totally h8's the fact that i'm growing up!


  • At 7:40 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Thanks for pointing me to the picture of Ardith Narayan. Based on her appearance in the picture, I don’t think she will have any trouble with your grandfather. I will take your “nothing negative” as a positive recommendation for Mrs. Narayan, depending on how she presents herself tomorrow. The fact she has an odd pronunciation of her son’s name does not bother me. As you know, my name is pronounced differently by quite a few people.

    Tracey Mayes did ask me today what I got you, and I told her the Gibson Pete Townshend Les Paul Deluxe Pilot Run Guitar. She said, “Well Howard, that’s not very romantic.” But I told her how you spent the summer playing a guitar that used to have animals living in it, so she was a little more sympathetic. She said, “I guess that’s OK. Flowers or candy would be gone too soon, and she will think of you every time she plays it. However, the next time I give you a bonus to buy something for April, give her something that will make her girlish heart flutter.” I said I would, but I honestly don’t know what would make your girlish heart flutter more than a good musical instrument. Any suggestions?

    I know about the “special event” Gordon and Tracey are doing this Saturday, since they want me to cater it and they are even paying the expenses and not expecting it to be provided for free. It is going to be a very expensive ‘family event” with quite a few exotic foods, which will really challenge my cooking skills. I hope to get lots of good notes for Brenda Starr about anything I overhear there.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    really, a hott electric guitar does make my heart flutter, cuz i'm a music geek! but if i think of something else, i will let u know.

    wow, that event soundz like a big deal!


  • At 8:27 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Hi guys. So as you probably heard I've sort of been freaking out here. Like majorly! Sometimes it hits me that I'm a teacher! Not just a teacher but a one here in Mtig with all these crazy, err I mean noble native children. I get lonely. Loneliness makes you dwell on small things. Small things become big things and then they swell up like a big fat mosquito bite on your ass and bug you all night long.

    Man, I had too much coffee! I can't even sleep!

    I love you all too. Except you Anthony. I don't love you like that. But I may have to, but I don't want to.

  • At 8:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i m sorry u r having such a tough time. it must b hard that u don't have that many other teachers u can trade ideas w/. if u get a v. weird "care" pkg fr. mom, don't let it bother u.


  • At 9:05 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    So, like April said, Elly Patterson came by the salon today to have her bun tightened. Oh, and polished too. She said she didn't want Brenda Starr to be the only one with sparkly hair.

    While Mrs. Patterson was here, she was complaining about April advising her older sister Liz to use Google to find ideas for her lessons. "Computers! They're so cold and difficult, and I still say they're a passing fad. Though I took some computer classes in case they're not. I'm always afraid I'll break something whenever I use one. I don't see what April likes about them."

    Then, she said, "Nicenativegirl, you are so wise and native. Can you teach me to cast spells on my enemies?" And I said I was sorry and that I didn't know any spells. She said "Oh, no, of course you don't," but she was looking around like she expected someone was watching and that was the only reason I said what I did about spells. Weird.



Post a Comment

<< Home