April's Real Blog

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Polaris and Shape Shifting

Liz sez her lesson plan yesterday went well, but that when she was telling the kids abt navigating by the stars, they associated "Polaris" not with the star, but with the snowmobiles. Well, girl, U R up north, eh? This all made her think, "As my best science prof. said, 'the best way to learn is by word association.'" But didn't her students show that they had, like, the wrong association going? So they kinda have 2 unlearn/relearn 4 this lesson? K, whatever. Liz told me she's been having this weird feeling that as she stands in front of her students, her body is shifting. Like mayB she looks just like Michael 4 a sec, or her forehead shrinks down 2 like an inch high. Or mayB her shoulders get all broad & she looks like a young military officer? MayB these R all related 2 the strange Mboro syndromes Brenda Starr has been investigating.

Speaking of Ms. Starr, she made arrangements with my principal so I'm missing a coupla classes this morning for a secret mission journalism project. I will post a comment abt it after it's over. Wish us luck!

Becky didn't leave NE comments yesterday, & Jeremy asked me if I know what's going on? I'll C if I can find out. Meantime, Becks? R U OK?



  • At 9:04 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I just thought I would let you know how our little expedition to Dr. Patterson’s office went this morning. As you may recollect we are trying to get those brochures on the "Johnston Institute for Better Living" that April saw in her dad’s office. I was to keep Dr. Patterson occupied with my appointment to replace some defective material in my dental work and Brenda Starr was going to keep Jean Baker the administrative assistant occupied, while April retrieved the brochures. Brenda called the school and made arrangements for April to accompany us on a special journalism project for her paper “The Flash.” We picked up April and went to Dr. Patterson’s office.

    When we went into the waiting room, Brenda Starr was immediately recognized by the people waiting on their appointments. “Oh Brenda Starr, may I have your autograph?” or “Oh Brenda Starr, may I ask you where you get your nails done?” or “Oh Brenda Starr, are you really a natural redhead?” and questions of that sort. I went to the front desk and was immediately taken back for my appointment.

    Dr. Patterson arrived in the room and said, “Well Howard, I hope our call yesterday did not alarm you. We got a report that some of the dental material we were using was defective, and so we need to replace it.” I said, “Was it a filling?” Dr. Patterson said, “No, I could eat a more.” And then he chuckled to himself. I opened my mouth and Dr. Patterson went straight to the tooth where he had previously inserted my GPS sensor that the Professor later took out and said, “That’s strange Howard. That dental material I put in here is completely gone. I wonder if a molar bear ate it.” And then he chuckled to himself again. He looked around some more and pulled the light close to my mouth and said, “No, it’s completely gone. That’s very strange, Howard.”

    Just at this time there was a loud crash from the front office. Dr. Patterson said, “I wonder what that was?” He started to get up to see. Thinking fast I said, “Dr. Patterson, What did the tooth say to the departing dentist?” He said, “Oh I know this one...Fill me in when you get back.”

    That distracted him, so he continued looking at my teeth and said, “Howard, these teeth here, (pointing at the sharp pointy teeth in my mouth) look like they have been through the Dog Days of Summer.” “How can you tell that?” I said. He replied, “Because they are your canine teeth.” He chuckled to himself again. “Actually the real name for your canine teeth is your cuspid. These teeth here (pointing) are your bicuspids. And you know what you call your tricuspid?” I said I didn’t know. “When the man you marry rides a tricycle. Get it… trike husband?” I tried to laugh, but couldn’t.

    Then there was a loud shrieking noise from the front office and people were yelling. Dr. Patterson said, “Sometimes being a dentist is like riding a roller coaster.” I said, “Why is that?” He said, “Because you have to brace yourself.” It looked as if he were bracing himself to go out, when I said, “Dr. Patterson, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?" Dr. Patterson stopped and looked thoughtful for a moment and said, “Wear a brown shirt and tie." Then Jean Baker came running through the door and said, “Dr. Patterson, we need you immediately.” Then he went out the door.

    As soon as he left, April and Brenda Starr showed up and said, “Quick, Howard. We need to go out the back.” So we did, and as we ran to Brenda’s car I noticed that April’s back was covered in toothpaste with several feet of dental floss stuck on there, like a tail. Then I looked carefully at Brenda, who was wearing a puppet on one hand that grasped a toothbrush and in the other hand she had several brochures. We left very quickly, and Brenda dropped me off at work before I could get an explanation out of her for her version of what happened with Jean Baker. Maybe she will post that story later. Also, if you see April, maybe you can ask her what happened while she was finding the brochures. Let me know what you find out.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:17 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so howard told u what was going on w/his dental appt. & ew on my dad's jokes. neway. . . .

    ms. starr is a real pro @ signing autographs. In less than a minute, she'd done an autograph 4 every1 in that w8ing rm, & ea autograph was v. sparkly.

    oh, i almost 4got, she also sed, "april, pls drop this 'ms. starr' nonsense. it's brenda!" k, so jean baker was all xcited abt that chef, rock roquefort. she bought some of his cookware @ the party & she's been watching his cooking show. so she was asking brenda a mill+1 ?'s abt him, & brenda made a waving motion 4 me 2 go look 4 that file.

    so i went in2 my dad's office, which has train photos all over the place. the only fam photo he's got is 1 where he made us all pose in 1 of his choo-choo displays. & it has duncan in it, 2.

    so dad's got many files, & he's got no obvious system 4 organizing them. they're just sort of in piles on his desk, in his drawers, on the floor. most of the files have either dental references or train catalogues. there's a really disturbing old calendar where young women who look like they're abt my age r wearing choo-choo conductor outfits & posing next 2 diff kindsa trains.

    so i finally found a file w/the brochures in it, but when i picked it up, i realized 2 late that it was hooked up 2 a lil web of dental floss attached 2 a pulley, which sent a model train down a track fr. on top of a big filing cabinet, but it came down 2 fast & crashed in2 a big bin full of old plaster casts of teeth. then it bounced out & landed on the nozzle of a huge toothpaste dispenser, which squirted @ my back. as i was trying 2 get away, i slipped & landed on my back in a puddle of the paste. just then, brenda came in & grabbed me, & yanked the brochures out of my hand. as she did, i sort of got tangled in the floss that had been attached 2 the file they came fr., & brenda mostly got me detangled, xcept 4 the floss that stuck 2 my back!

    then we got howard & we all went running out the back. after we dropped off howard, brenda took me 2 her place so i cd shower & change. good thing i'd changed in2 street clothes & stashed my uni in my backpack.

    neway, i still don't know what happened out in the reception area, cuz we had 2 rush 2 get me back 2 school in time.


  • At 10:35 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Oh, man, Apes, Ill post the deets on the assembly sumday but I dont want 2 yet. I keep barfing evrytime I think of Cing NE1 fr school. Im not going 2day. Im going 2 hang in Mboro so my 'rents cant find me if the school calls. L8r.

  • At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Andrea Sobinski said…

    Hello! I'm Deanna Patterson's sister, Andrea Sobinski. I found this blog by doing a search on my sister. I haven't heard from her in a while, and I was wondering what's going on with her. I live in Halifax, so we don't get to see one another very often.

    April, I haven't seen you since Mike and Dee's wedding! You were still a little girl then, really. BTW, I was known as Kaitlyn the last time you saw me. During the whole process of getting ready for that wedding, your mother, Elly, kept harping on how the name Kaitlyn was unsuitable, as everyone knows "K" names are evil. She did such a job on me that I ended up having my name legally changed to Andrea! Now I sort of regret it, but I'm known this way professionally, so I guess I'll stick with it.

    Anyway, I have a bit of a difficult relationship with my Mom. But I had no idea Dee and Mike were being as disrespectful as they are--I read the "Howard Kelpfroth" post from yesterday, where he quotes our mom, with horror! I will have to call Mom to make her feel that at least one of her children doesn't totally loathe her.

    Well, gotta go!

    Andrea Kaitlyn Sobinski

  • At 11:52 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    don't worry guyz. i have been kinda out of it 4 the last few dayz. i have been feeling real tired ever since i went 2 dr. p's office 2 have some cavities filled on sunday. i wuz surprized he works on sunday, but he sed something abt "emergency appointments" an' "mrs. p driving him krazee."

    i think i'm gonna go find a quiet corner in the library an' take a nap.

    later, becks

  • At 11:57 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friends,

    I was just in the library, and you'll never guess what I saw! Becky had curled up under the newspaper rack and was taking a nap. Some boys were trying to look up her skirt, so I helped her stand up and then I walked her down to the office of my old friend, Nurse Horbreth, where she now slumbers peacefully.

    Nurse Horbreth is very concerned about Becky's symptoms and has asked me to help her investigate. She asked me if Becky does drugs. I'm pretty sure the answer is no, but I told her I would ask around our "peer group" and find out if any of you have seen her doing drugs. I know it probably seems strange that I would help Becky. It is true that I don't always like Becky very much. My dad says this is because her assertive nature threatens my fragile, nascent manhood. But I know my precious little peahen April would want me to gallantly come to the aid of her best friend, even if that best friend is a bit of a gig.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

  • At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    April and Howard,

    That was incredibly fun! I was busy distracting Jean and the patients in the waiting room when we heard a large crash. Jean started back into the office but I managed to detain her by stepping in front of her. There was a hand puppet sitting on the counter. I put it on my hand and began singing a song about rotten teeth and the importance of brushing. Jean must have some sort of phobia regarding puppetry because here eyes grew big and round, like a speed freak and she started backing up. Unfortunately she backed up into the coffee table and fell backwards screaming as she went. I tried to catch her but she was like a drowning woman who pulls her rescuer down with her. We both fell over. Everyone in the room jumped up to help me and started arguing about who was going to help me and who should call for an ambulance. Everyone was grabbing me at once so before I could stop her Jean was up and running into the office I ran after her. I saw she went into the examination room, so I went after April. Poor girl was a mess. I made sure the brochures were secure. Then I had to grab my handy dandy nail file and cut her loose from all that dental floss. I could hear John and Jean in the reception area calming the patients. I knew we had to get April out of there and we weren't leaving without Howard. You all know the rest.

    All I have to say is I'm glad we were able to get Dr. Morsel to take the day off. Things would have been impossible had he been there too.

    As for the brochures, they are your typical glossy picture filled information packets. The Johnston Institute For Better Living has two facilities. There is a office in Ottawa, but the main facility is in Corbeil. The brochure reads, "Technology to make life better, For Better or For Worse." It talks about society and the family dynamic. Here is an excepert. "Here at the Institute we believe that all of societies ills can be blamed on the break down of the family dynamic and PMS. We are currently working on technologies to bring the fast pace world back to yester year. When Mom stayed home with this kids instead becoming hardened career women. When things were safer and warmer. Filled with the scents of boiled chicken and carrots. Where all the healthy man needs to be happy is chicken, couscous and fruit for desert. We invision a society where parents don't have to hug their children a little harder at night because of all the bad news out in the world."

    I could go on, the brochure is quite thick. I couldn't find any names responsible or any address. Just that it is on the Trout Lake shoreline. I'm going to call in some favors from a few influential friends and see what I can find out.

    Thanks April and Howard. You did and awesome job.

    Also April, if you can find Becky and she's all right, The Professor is still in town. He's wandering around the mall. I'm sure he may be able to find out what's wrong with Becky. Remember that he calls her Ginger.


  • At 12:23 PM, Anonymous Peppermint Patty said…

    Hiya Becks--I hope you're okay! Just be sure not to doze off when you've got a binder open. I can't tell you how many times Marcie's had to walk me to the nurse's office for that. Probably because I'm always up late watching tv or on the phone with Chuck. My mom's hardly ever around to nag me about that or eating my vegetables.

  • At 12:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, thanx 4 looking out 4 becky. u r rite that this is what i'd want u 2 do, & pls stop saying she's a gig. that hurts her feelings, u know.

    i'm going 2 check in w/becky @ the nurse's offc after i finish posting this comment. i'm going 2 take her 2 the mall after school & c if we can find the professor. thanx 4 that tip, brenda. & thanx 4 telling us more abt the crazee brochures.


  • At 12:55 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    The last few days have been a little insane here in Mitg. At least I had the kids attention with my lesson plan. Even if they are smart alecks.

    The point of my post is, I was reading the Milborough Weekly and I saw they did a piece about Mtig. Well, no it was a piece about Billy Strongblood, except he was calling himself Adam. There were several pictures of him. In one he was standing with Yulanda and she was referenced as his girl friend. I called Yulanda and she laughed. She said that Billy just doesn't trust strangers, especially white reporters. She also said it's just like Billy to lie. He tells other people's truths, but to balance things out he lies about himself.

    I thought you might find the article interesting since its a little about Mtig.

  • At 2:46 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Your story about your sister Elizabeth and her post about that creepy Billy Strongblood reminded me of something that occurred to me and Kortney Krelbutz when we visited Mtigwaki, months ago (when Elizabeth was not there) and we were being toured around by Gary and Vivian Crane and little Jesse Mukwa.

    We saw a beautiful bird on the lake next to Mtigwaki and Kortney asked Gary what kind of bird it was. Gary said, “I don’t know the bird’s name. It looks kind of like the 900 Fusion Polaris snow machine.” Vivian said, “No, I think it is more like the 340 Touring Polaris snow machine.” Jesse Mukwa said, “Are you blind? With that wingspan it looks much more like the 900 RMK 1 Deep Snow Polaris snow machine.” I said, “Snow Machine, what are you talking about? Machines that make snow?” Gary said, “Since you are from Milborough, near Toronto, you probably call them Ski-Doos or more generically snowmobiles.” I said, “So you are saying the bird looks like a snowmobile.” I couldn’t really see it, but I did not question them about it.

    When it was time for lunch, I remember asking Gary Crane where we could eat. He suggested, among other things, the Moose Caboose, but we got lost on the way. We asked two passersby where it was, and they said, “See that old train car over there, the one that looks like the Crossover 600 Switchback Polaris snow machine, that’s the Moose Caboose.” The other passerby said, “I thought it looked more like the Performance 600 H.O. Fusion Polaris snow machine.” The other passerby said, “Maybe the 2003 model, but not the 2005.”

    Anyway, your post reminded me of this story, and so I thought I would share it with you.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:49 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    apes. wen u take becks 2 the mall after school, can i come 2? i feel bad 4 becks.

  • At 3:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, jeremy, meet me @ the nurse's office & we'll get becks 2 the mall!


  • At 3:08 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    ok. myt.

  • At 3:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so jeremy, becky, & i found the professor at the food court. he was having a tropical smoothie that was in a coconut shell. he's checking becky's vital signs now.


  • At 3:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    the professor sez my dad seemz 2 have put like 4 of those gps devices in2 poor becky's mouth and that the frequencies have caused her fatigue. i'm not sure abt the deets, cuz he got in2 all this techie talk & lost me. neway, he whipped up a concoction 4 her 2 drink & now we're letting her rest on 1 of the sofas @ the furniture store. the professor told us 2 let her sit that way 4 abt 20 minutes then we can walk her home (unless she feels like shopping 1st!).


    p.s. liz, mom clipped out that article & stuck it on the fridge.

    p.p.s. howard, how freekee that the mtighooha ppl know so much abt the snowblower machines.

  • At 4:09 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    apes iz slo on the tech, but i know freqs frum setting up music equipment. the gps freqs create intermediate freqs that u can calc by subtracting the freqs frum each other. those intermediate freqs interfered w/the natural freqs in beck's brain & made her snooze city. we had 2 carry becks most of the way n the mall. she'z put on sum w8. apes iz shopping now, while becks iz resting. she saw sum dress she liked.

  • At 4:38 PM, Anonymous The Professor said…

    Dear Maryanne,

    You should be quite familiar with harmonic dissonance. Dissonance is caused when frequencies in one sound are only slightly different from the frequencies of another.

    Slight differences in frequency between two sounds produce beating as the two sounds move from being "in phase" to "out of phase" with each other. This is heard when tuning string instruments. In phase sounds have concurrent peaks and valleys and so add their amplitudes. Out of phase sounds have peaks concurrent with valleys and so cancel out each others amplitudes. If two sounds have slightly different frequencies they move in and out of phase and so cause beating at a frequency equal to the frequency difference between the two sounds. When the beating becomes to quick to be heard it produces a perception of roughness or dissonance between the two sounds

    The frequencies of the devices in Ginger's mouth were causing a conflict, a dissonance which was making her quite ill. The human body can only take so much vibration and discordant vibration will make a person quite ill. It can cause flu like symptoms and in severe cases, death.

    The whomever installed those devices was quite irresponsible. It speaks of someone who doesn't know what they are doing as they didn't take time to calibrate the frequencies. At that, not more than one device is needed unless harm is wished to be done.

    I advise everyone to seek alternate dental care.

    In the case of Maryanne, please contact me in the event that your father wishes to take a look at your faulty dental work.

    Thank you,

  • At 5:33 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    wtf. harmonic dissonance? the professor iz goofy. i donno if sound freqs r the same az transmit freqs. wen he wuz xplaining this, he kept sayin’ 2 me, remember gilligan the time wen u were a radio? becks & apes r shoppin’ now. so boring. i’d leave but i promised apeface i wud stay 2 make sure becks cud get home. she’z bettah, but still shakey.

  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becky & i ea bought a new dress. she sed that after what she'd just been thru, she totally needed "retail therapy". jeremy & i r abt 2 walk becky home & then he's gonna stay there 4 a while cuz they want sum alone time.

    professor, i will tell u if my dad wants 2 do anything w/my teeth, believe me!!!


  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I know all about harmonic dissonance. I encounter it all the time in my singing. I can attest that music that is out of tune definitely makes me ill. I still remember my music teacher saying:

    We know that the music revolves around the singer.
    Ancient singers knew the directions east and west because the singer would warm up facing the sun in the east and then perform when the sun sets in the west!
    But, more precise singing navigation was done using the opera stars!
    Now, this is what you should think of when you hear the word, “Caruso.”

    C – Classical
    A - Aria
    R – Recitals
    U - Unite
    S – Superior
    O - Opera

    As my music prof. said, “The best way to learn is by word association.”

    I cannot imagine having 4 such devices implanted in you, like poor bud Becky. I wish I could be there to help you, but I am stuck in the evening shift at work. Please take care of my bud. I don’t like it when she feels bad.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, liz, by ne chance cd u have met howard's music teacher? the way u xplained yr navigation lesson soundz really similar 2 howard's music lesson. go fig!


  • At 8:24 PM, Anonymous The Professor said…


    I only used the example of sound waves to illustrate my point. Sound has it's own wavelength. The GPS devices also work on their own wavelengths. The four devices implanted in Ginger's mouth were resonating at dissonant frequencies which were making her ill. Ironically enough this dissonance rendered the devices inoperable.

    It may take up to a week for recovery so go easy on her.

    The Professor

  • At 8:31 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    apes. the walk back 2 her house pooped becks out. she fell asleep on the chesterfield w/her head n my lap when i wuz stroking her hair. i thot we were gonna do sum kissin’ but then these zzs came out of her head frum snoring. i may b here awhile. her mom duzn’t come back from work till after the bakery iz clozed & becks needz the rest.

  • At 9:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yikes, jeremy, i knew becky was tired, but didn't know she was that tired. i'm glad u're there cuz she shdn't b alone rite now.

    @ dinner, i pretended i'd seen a news story abt ethics in dentistry & how u shdn't do nething xperimental or unexpected w/out the patient's knowledge. i hoped dad wd feel guilty or accidentally let sumthin' slip. all he sed was, "absolutely! i alwayz exercise the utmost in ethics. fortunately, i know what's best, & nething i do is 4 the patient's own gd, @ least in the long run." my mom was nodding like 1 of those bobbly toys that dips in & outta a glass of water. so that was pretty useless, i think, but i thought i'd better mention it here.


  • At 9:57 PM, Anonymous Brenda said…

    Howard Honey,

    I'm sorry I have to head to The Flash. The Professor says he wants to head up to Corbeil to see The Institute. So, as soon as you get some time off we're off on a road trip. Are you up for it?


  • At 10:49 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Oh, man. Im suspended fr school 4 a week but my 'rents dont no abt it. Aft home room was over I called the principal an' said I was my dad an' asked if I was @ school. The principal said no an' hes sending a letter by courier 2 say Im suspended. So I ran home an' waited 4 the courier an' put the letter under my mattress. An' then I threw out all the plaintains an' bananas in the kitchen 'cos I dont want 2 look @ them aft that assembly.

    I guess Ill hafta pretend 2 go 2 school so my 'rents dont no Ive been suspended. MayB Ill C if the oldies want 2 hear NEmore of War an' Peace so I can do my community service hours.


    P.S. Ger, u shldnt B asking peeps abt Beckers drug use. Im not saying NEthing abt it.

  • At 12:42 AM, Blogger howard said…


    You called me Honey. I’m going to miss you tonight, but I understand that you have your job to attend to. I was so glad that you were able to take time from the ghostwriting to lead us at Dr. Patterson’s office this morning. It was very exciting helping you get information for a real Brenda Starr story. I wish the Flash wasn’t so demanding of you. Maybe you could work for the Times or the Trib. I don’t think they would make you ghost write a chef’s book.

    I will have to check with Tracey Mayes about time off. I just started the job, so she may not be inclined to do that. Right now, Fiona Brass and I handle the morning shift at the restaurant and I handle the evening shift by myself. The restaurant is so busy now, I can barely handle it. I do have Sundays off, when the garage is also closed. Maybe we could go then, or does the Professor need it to be a weekday?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:35 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april. becks’ mom came home l8 & she wuz w/sum guy i didn’t know. she saw becks sleepin’ w/her head on my lap, looked @ me & sed, “i hope u used protection w/that little bank robber.” becks heard this & woke up. she saw the guy & told me 2 leave, cause it wuz gonna get ugly. i didn’t have 2b told 2x, so i left.


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