April's Real Blog

Friday, October 28, 2005

Completely Lost

Liz sez she has a problem when the kids ask her questions she wasn't expecting, but, yo, isn't that what kids do? She sez her lesson was going really well. Little Ellen (not Jesse) observed that when she pretends 2 B the earth spinning & staring @ the pretendy Polaris star, that the star stays in place. Liz was so excited that Ellen got this, & she said, "Yes!!! So, the sailors could alwayz find the North Star, because it did not move! Then, by measuring its position. . . ." She couldn't get her sentence out B4 she got interrupted, & the kiddles were asking, "What if it was cloudy?" & "What if they were on the south side?" & "What if up is down?" & "What if the captain fell overboard?" Sheesh, Lizzie, I've obvs never been on the other side of the desk, but if those questions make U so flustered? MayB U oughta just hand those kids a script & tell 'em they've gotta stick 2 it?

So Becky & Jeremy seem 2 B on the outs & Jeremy went out on a d8 w/Tangi Origami last nite. Things R alwayz shifting, y'know?



  • At 9:49 AM, Blogger howard said…


    It has been a madhouse here at Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant. When I got here, there was a line about 10 meters long of people waiting for the restaurant to open. Tracey Mayes was already here, wearing her hausfrau outfit and holding a sign she had made up that said, “Miracle Drink $10. No free refills. Must purchase entrée.”

    I said, “What is going on here?” She said that the line started forming this morning when the garage opened and Gordon called her to come help out. “All these people read the Milborough Weekly restaurant review about the Miracle Drink. That’s what they are here for and I can quite understand. I had a buzzing in my head for weeks until I drank the Miracle Drink at the Brenda Starr party last weekend.” I told Tracey that I could make up the drink, but with the crowd, we were going to run out of the fruits that make up the drink very quickly. She sent Fiona Brass out to local grocers to buy whatever supplies they have, and I put an order into Blue Line out of Toronto for an emergency shipment. All morning I have been making up the Professor’s drink for dismantling the GPS sensors inserted by your father. The line outside just keeps getting longer and longer and Tracey has set up some tables for eating out in the garage area. I am so glad I kept the Professor’s radioactive vegetables (nicely stored in a lead box so don’t worry) that cause me to move much faster than normal. That’s the only way I can keep up. I do have a story to tell though.

    At one point, Tracey interrupted me to go answer questions from a table full of kids about the Miracle Drink. This is what they asked:

    Kid #1: How do you measure the position of the fruits in the drink?
    My response: The distance from the tip of my finger to the first knuckle is about 3 cm. Each fruit is about 3 cm separated.

    Kid #2: What if it was cloudy?
    My response: The drink is supposed to be cloudy or steamy. That’s what gives it its unique taste.

    Kid #3: What if up is down?
    My response: Huh? I guess you would fall up and throw down.

    Kid #4: What if they were on the south side?
    My response: Huh? I guess they would have to travel to the north side to get to this restaurant.

    Kid #5: What if the captain fell overboard?
    My response: Huh? I guess there wouldn’t be any need for a mutiny.

    Kid #6: How’s the navigation project going?
    My response: Huh? I guess the intelligent questions have navigated their way out of here. Are you kids interested in learning something, or are you just looking for me to give you straight lines for jokes?
    All the Kids: Straight lines for jokes. Straight lines for jokes. Stars. We want to be comedy stars.

    Anyway it sounded a lot like what happened to your sister Elizabeth. Maybe these kids are working to a script. It's so busy today, don’t expect a lot of posts from me.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    what crayzee kids, howard! i wonder how they managed 2 get outta school 2 go 2 the restaurant? i guess mayB they were out sick cuz of the buzzing fr. my dad's "dental work". i'm embarrassed 2 b his daughter.

    neway, i'm glad u r able 2 help so many ppl w/that fruit drink. totally worth the $10/ea!

    my mom reminded me that i only have a few days left 2 get my november letter dun. i was like, "y shd i even bother when i know it's gonna b 'edited'"? she called me impudent & headstrong & sed every writer needs an editor. i sed she shd tell that 2 mike & she told me i just don't understand creative ppl. whatevs.


  • At 11:32 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    wow howie u have been having such a busy day. i m worried tho abt u eating those radioactive veggies. what if they give u cancer or make u sterile or something? i don't think brenda would like that either she sed 2 me the other day soemthing like "little starr needs a little brother or sister. howard would b a good father, don't u think?" i told her yes i think it would b way kewl if u married brenda an' had some sparkly kids. then i could b "auntie becky."

    well i talked called up my dad's lawyer here in mboro last nite an' i asked him i sed "r u sure they're gonna let dad off this ez? cuz my friend howie looked up the law 4 me an' it's much more strict." the lawyer sed something super interesting he goes "well the law in canada is relative. it's a strange and mysterious beast. 1 day you will look at it and it will seem very severe. maybe more severe than you remember. for example, the penalty for a crime might be two years even tho ur sure it wuz just 18 months a week b4. then the next day u can look up something else and find that a crime that should get a 3 year sentence only gets u community service and a stay at the halfway house. just count ur blessings that ur dad wuz sentenced on a lucky day." so i decided not 2 ask nemore questions.

    in other news, b4 school 2day, I wrote some mean stuff on jeremy's locker in black permanent marker an' then kicked the door 'til it caved in so it won't open an' he can't get his books. apes u should go by an' c what i wrote!


  • At 11:54 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Don’t worry about the radioactive vegetables. I still have the bamboo Geiger counter the Professor left and his recipe for the vegetable soup that takes away the radioactivity. I am only eating just a little of the vegetables to keep my speed up. We’re in the lunchtime hours now, and the crowd is not getting any lighter. As April mentioned in her post, it appears that parents are pulling their kids out of school to come here. Officer Luggsworth came here with his wife and 2 kids to eat and then stayed to direct traffic.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:05 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    beckette. thanx evah so much 4 the locker work. peeps have been repeating wut u rote 2 me all day. i thot “germy wormy” wuz bad, but u bring mean 2 a new level. jtluk, i got an advance disk of the robert freeman reality tv show 2 give u, but sum idiot caved n my locker where it wuz & broke the freakin’ disk. oops.

  • At 12:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, becks wrote a buncha stuff on that locker, like "jeremy 'teeny weeny' jones" & "germy wormy jones". also something that rhymes with "druthershucker" & "rickfed". she must b really really mad, yo!

    canadian law sure if confusing.


  • At 12:30 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april. omg. i went 2 make out w/tangi origami during the lunch break, but i cudn’t go 2 my usual place cause henbeck wuz there w/sum guy u know she’z been kissin’ l8ly. so i go 2 this othah place & m/r shannon lake iz there. she sez, “got…any…cig…a…rettes?”. I sed no & then she got mad & repeated the stuff reebecks rote on my locker 2 me, only rilly slow. by the time she wuz done, the lunch break wuz ovah.

  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger? becks? is there sumthin' i shd know?

    shannon, u gotta stop begging 4 ciggies. yr mom already grounded u the last time she found out u were bumming cigs!


  • At 1:47 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    chill apes. it wuz me an' dunc who were kissing. dang he iz good an' his lips taste like fine merlot. way better then germy jeremy his lips only taste like stale french fries frum the cafeteria.


  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, sorry becks. i'm a bit on edge.


  • At 2:04 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becky mcglutton, u must b starving urself. evn wen u kiss u think of food. tangi origami sez my lips taste like poutine not fries. i donno if that’s gud or not.

  • At 2:34 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    jeremy u better run cuz i talked 2 ger an' dunc an' they're gonna beat u up after school 2day! also, i caught tangi origami in the hall after 7th period an' i punched her in the face. now she's got a fat lip an' a couple loose teeth i don't think u'll b kissing her ne time soon!!



  • At 4:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, becks got called 2 the principal's office in the middle of our last class of the day! i don't know what's going on now!


  • At 5:06 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april. the principal had me, my mom, tangi, her ‘rents, becks & her mom n the office. he wuz rilly upset w/becks 4 kicking n my locker & 4 hittin’ tangi. becks’ mom wuz all like i’m gonna sue u, & how she had a lawyer who knew how 2 figger the lucky dayz 4 the law. it wuz weird. she wuz rilly proud of becky 4 fitin’. becks wuz put under in-school suspension 4 a week, which meanz she duz nuthin’ but skool work n a room w/ the iss supervisor, ms. connasse.

    tangi left w/her ‘rents 2 go 2 the dentist. she sed she goez 2c that morsel, dr. everett & i shudn’t b jealous cuz he’z a doc. sumthin bout bein’ n a girl fite got her xcited. we’re goin’ 2 the moviez 2nite 2 see “the legend of zorro” & aftah she wunts 2c my sword n acshun.

    don’t worry bout gerund & dungaree fiting w/me. they sed bonkers mcguire got a crayzee luk n her i, so they just sed they wud beat me up, so she wudn’t punch them like she did tangi.

  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg. just omg.


  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well as usual jermy is full of crap. i got out of the in-school suspension thing cuz mom promised 2 go out on a date w/ the principal this weekend. the only bad thing is that i have 2 go c a therapist again. not the same 1 tho the principal wants me 2 go c dr. forsythe. i tried 2 tell him it wuz a bad idea but mom wuz like "shut up becky an' do what ur told." so i guess i have 2 go c him. i hope he doesn't perscribe a bunch of porno 4 me 2.

    i talked 2 ger an' dunc an' told them 2 call off the pounding they were gonna give jermy i don't want them getting suspended 2. also i told dunc that we wouldn't b kissing again 4 the near future. he seemed pretty disappointed but then jazmine walked by an' he seemed 2 4get abt being bummed.

    well now i have 2 go mom is making me work xxxtra shifts at the bakery 2 make up 4 my bad behavior.


  • At 6:25 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    so batty mcguire got outa her iss. that xplains the private convo her mom wuz havin’ w/the principal wen the rest of us were leavin’. az 4 me bein’ full of it, i’m no liar. i got enuff of that w/my dad. 2 bad becks iz goin’ to geritol’s nutty dad dr. whacko. he’ll just make her crazier. poor becks.

  • At 8:16 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    The professor came to see me a few days ago. He called me Mrs. Howell and concocted some weird drink for me. I've been out of it ever since.

    I feel so weepy and lost. It's probably PMS.

  • At 9:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i'm so sorry u're feeling that way. i'm sending u a package w/treats & funny candid pix of mom!


  • At 9:16 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well this suxx. i already have my appt w/ ger's dad 4 2morrow. this is totally lame. i had 2 talk 2 him on the phone 2nite when mom scheduled it an' he is all like xxcited abt getting 2 treat "gerald's little girlfriend." man i m so not looking 4ward 2 2morrow. on the plus side tho dr. f sez he's going 2 "allow" ger 2 sit in on the appt. mayb this means he won't get 2 head-trippy on me.


  • At 9:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, becks, i hope ger's dad doesn't try 2 turn it in2 sum freakydeaky sex therapy! & he needs 2 b reminded u r not his gf. ger, u better remind him!


  • At 11:27 PM, Blogger howard said…


    We are finally closing down Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant for the night, because we ran out of fruit. We had to turn people away at the end. Blue Line food distributors are bringing in some more tropical fruit tonight, so I will be waiting up for them to arrive.

    The most fun thing to see today was Tracey Mayes. She is still here in her hausfrau outfit, and has been helping me all day. She really got into serving and being chatty with the customers, many of whom she has known since elementary school. She left briefly to pick up her kids from their school and when she returned they also helped out seating the customers until their dad took them home when the garage and car dealership closed at 8 pm. They were very cute.

    I think Tracey wants to work in the restaurant full-time. She tried to convince Fiona Brass to work evenings, so she could work days; but I don’t know if Fiona is going to go for it. All the action at the pool hall she manages is at night. We’ll see what happens there. Tracey is easy-going and pleasant to be around and the customers all seem to know and like her, but I wonder if I will still be managing the restaurant if she is working here. I suppose it doesn’t matter as long as I get paid. It was payday again today with another bonus to buy something for April as her back-up gay. It has to be something that would seem romantic to Tracey. Any ideas?

    I read through the posts today, and I didn’t know what to think of them. You’re my bud, and I know that you would never attack someone unless you thought you were in danger, like that time with your former uncle Bill. The attack on this Tangi Origami girl is not something my bud would do, so the post credited to you is an obvious fake. Did Gerald hack into your posting password, as he has done in the past, and put that up as a joke? If so, it was a very poor one. Please tell Gerald that was not a nice thing to do, and I am quite disappointed in him. I’m sure if he explains it was a posting joke, then your principal will understand and you won’t have to do the therapy sessions with Dr. Forsythe. I will be glad to talk to him, if you need me to.

    I will be here late, so if you get done at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies, you could stop by here and we can talk. I have been so busy lately, I feel like we haven’t had a good chat in a long time.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 11:29 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My precious little poppyseed,

    I have reminded my father dozens upon dozens of times of the true nature of my romantic attachments. He refuses to accept our love. I asked him once if there was some ancient feud between the Pattersons and the Delaney-Forsythes that I was unaware of--perhaps one that began when your father was in dental school and my father was at the Institute of Psychoanalysis in Vienna. I thought that a feud would explain his determination to unseat you as my rightful girlfriend. He insists that there is not a feud per se, but that Pattersons simply make mediocre to poor girlfriends. Frankly, my love--and this is no reflection on you--but if you consider your mother and your sister's behavior in their romantic relationships, past and present, you will have to conceed that my father has a point.

    Nevertheless, I will endeavor once more to correct his mistaken notions about myself and Becky.

    Sincerely your devoted love slave forever, Gerald

  • At 11:34 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    howie u bet i punched that tangi ho an' i'm not sorry either. jermy an' his skank deserve every bit of the stuff i did 2 them. it's not fair. jermy is a big ugly jerk he should have 2 die old an' alone not get with some cute girl rite away like i didn't mean nething 2 him at all. meanwhile i'm cute but i'm rotting away all alone an' single an' fat. i don't even really like dunc i wuz just using him 2 get back at jermy an' make him jellus.

    mom is rite. men r rotten 2 the core. xcept 4 u howie.


  • At 11:48 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You are my bud, and as an adult, it is my responsibility to tell you that violence is not the way to get revenge. It is much too obvious, it can get you in trouble, and is likely to give the recipient of the violence sympathy that they do not deserve. Besides, the nonviolent methods of revenge are so much more fun and devious. It is much better for the recipient of the revenge to know you did it, but not know how. If you are interested, there are many things I can tell you, but not on this Blog, in case jermy eyes are reading. Come to the restaurant tonight after you finish at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies, and I will explain the methods of grand revenge that I learned in the world of light opera. Almost every light opera plot has a lesson that can be learned about teaching errant lovers a lesson or two. Tracey is looking over my shoulder and says that she has some equipment you can borrow from her that might be helpful.

    Feeling devious,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:16 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    kewl i m on my way over.

  • At 12:32 AM, Anonymous Jason Fox said…

    So like I am up and ready to go for Halloween guys! I know it's not until Monday but I am so ready for the candy! I plan on getting a lot!

    My costume? I am a black hole this year!
    I'm excited because Paige says that the costume totally sucks, which is exactally what I was aiming for. I intend on attracting candy like Peter attracts ugly girls and Paige attracts...Wait Paige attracts nothing. She only repels. She's the total opposite of a black hole, except that she's denser than a singularity! Man that Paige is a paradox isn't she? She defies nature. No wonder she smells so bad.

  • At 2:35 AM, Blogger howard said…


    The Blue Line delivery truck has arrived and gone. The same can be said of Becky. She, Tracey and I had a good time “discussing things.” Jeremy is going to be in for a few surprises tomorrow.

    Howard Kelpfroth


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